How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 16 - Stuff - full transcript

Ted: Kids, the key to a good
relationship is communication;

You need to talk.

How about mimi's? Nah, I don't
really feel like mimi's.

Well, I'm hungry.
Let's just pick a place and go.

Oh, you know where
we should go? Cynthia's.

You love that place...
Remember what

A great time we had the last
time we were there? We did?

Yeah, yeah.
We had that crazy waiter

(french accent): Who kept going,
"you two should get married!"

You two should get married!"

It's also important to know
when to stop talking.

Come on. Then we
stepped outside.

It was raining.
It was so romantic?

How can you not remember this?

Because it wasn't me.

Oh, right!

It was... My sister.

You see, by the time
you've hit your late 20s,

You've dated a few people,

But when you're in
a relationship,

It's common courtesy
to pretend that you haven't.

Oh, my god, van helsing is on.

Remember when we went to see it?

We sat in the back row.

I've never seen van helsing.

That's right.
I saw it with my sister.

My boss just got back from maui.

He said it was really romantic.

Oh, it's so romantic.

When were you in maui?

I... Went...

With my sister.
With my sister.

Why do you always say that?

Look,

We're not 16.

We've both dated other people.

It's silly to try
to act like we didn't.

You're right.
We should just be honest.

Totally.

See that girl over there?

Three years ago,

I totally made out with her.

I don't want to hear that.

What? You said...

God, that is so insensitive.

Remember honesty...?
You're a jerk!

Well, you're...

Confusing.

Okay, so you have
to have sex with one:

Either classic mermaid; bottom
half fish, top half human,

Or inverted mermaid, top half
fish, bottom half human. Go!

I don't know. Is she fat?

Yeah, but it's a fish,
so it's the good kind of fat.

Hot off the presses!
I-I don't take flyers.

You took one two seconds
before you walked in here.

That's different.
It was for a strip club.

Two bucks off wings.

How much is your flyer
going to save me on wings?

Fine. It's a flyer
from my play.

Oh, lily, I'd love to,
but we're not in college

And I'm not trying
to sleep with you.

So anyway, this mermaid...

Hey, lily's friend asked
her to be in this play,

And it's gonna be really good.

Lily, I love you,
but we're too old for this.

Asking someone
to come see your play

Is like asking someone
for a ride to the airport

Or to crash on your couch
or to help you move.

Call a cab, book a room,

Hire some movers
and repeat after me:

Friends don't let friends
come see their crappy play.

Ted:
Okay, first of all,

I've thought about it

And top half fish.

Second of all, we need you guys

To decide something for us.

Yes, you should break up.

So, earlier tonight...

Mm, we should
get down to the bar.

I know we should,

But you just look so sexy
in my red sweatshirt.

Mm...

Mm...
Mm...

Oh, god, why is this
part of the story?

We're getting to it.

Damn, my face is so dry.

Is there any moisturizer
around here?

Yeah, there's some
in the bathroom.

Got to moisturize!

Got to keep that
pretty face moist.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no!

What's wrong with her?
She hates that word.

What word, "moist"?

No! Seriously, stop!

So, anyway, ted goes
into the bathroom

To get the moist...

Face lotion...

Wow, this is great stuff.

Now I know the secret
to your great complexion.

What are you talking about?
It's yours.

No, it's not.

Oh, well...

Then I guess it's lily's.

No, it's not.

Whose moisturizer is this, ted?

Um, my sister's.

So, in other words,
some girl you went out with.

Um... I love you.

Disgusting. You let me put on
the same moisturizer

As one of your exes?

It was probably carla's.

Her face was a train wreck.

I'm don't think ted was
dating her for her face.

Thank you, marshall.

Thank you so much.

Why is that still
in your apartment?

I don't know.
I just never threw it out.

Well, why not? Do you still
have feelings for this girl?

Yeah. I'm madly in love
with her,

And the only way
I can deal with it

Is by holding onto
a three-dollar tube of lotion.

Not three dollars! Try 14.

Why is this such a big deal?

Because I don't want to use
some whore's moisturizer!

Whoa, she wasn't a whore.

Well, she's leaving expensive
lotions all over town.

It sounds like a whore to me.

What else do you have

From old girlfriends
just lying around?

Nothing. That's it.

Well, except
for the phone booth.

And the lamp by the desk...

And the...

No.

No!

No!

Oh, ted!

Ah, the age-old
question:

After you break up with someone,

What do you do with the stuff?

Question?
Ain't no question, girl.

Obviously, he's got
to get rid of it.

Which is obviously crazy

And obviously,
I'm not gonna do it.

So we agreed that we would
let you guys decide.

Yeah, like we did
with marshall's pants.

Ah, the 2005 landmark case

Of lily v.
The joey buttafuoco pants.

Huh?

Huh?

Nice, right?

I'm gonna have to say no.

I don't want some

16-year-old girl
falling in love with you

And then shooting lily
in the face.

Yes!

I vote they can stay.

"Check out the jackass
in the parachute pants"

Is a good icebreaker.

Ted.

Ted? Ted?

Sorry, buddy, it's
a "no" for me, too.

Oh, and by the way,
bel biv devoe called.

Even they don't want
those pants back.

They were insanely comfortable!

They were like pajamas
you could wear outside.

Marshall, it's over.

We even gave you an appeal

And they didn't look any better
with combat boots.

All right, well,
let's hear the arguments.

Ted, you go first.

Okay. The fact that I still have
things from ex-girlfriends

Is no big deal.

I mean, when I see the phone
booth on the piano,

I don't think
of jeannie radford,

I think of the good times I had
backpacking through europe.

And when I see the lamp,
I don't think of allison moses.

I remember when I was broke,
just out of college,

And I really needed a lamp.

And when I see
that throw pillow,

I don't think of lauren stein.

I think of that weird
orange-brown stain

And how it got there.

Creamsicle and turkey gravy,

Not at the same time.

Well, that's adorable,

But from now on, when I
walk into the apartment,

Here is what I will see.

I'm ted's college girlfriend.

He made me 12 mix tapes.

How many has he made you?

He calls you "sweetie pie"?

He called me
"sweetie pie."

I'm stupid, but my rack
is bigger than yours.

Really?

You can't look at a pillow

Without seeing my
ex-girlfriend... a pillow!

Yes, ted, the fact
that you still have that pillow

Is creepy and gross.

Well, you're creepy and gross.

Well, your mom's creepy
and gross.

You're the...
Order! Order!

I got to side with robin.

She's your girlfriend,

And if the stuff upsets her,
you got to get rid of it.

I've got to side with ted.

Just 'cause you
still have something

An ex-girlfriend gave you doesn't
mean you're holding onto her.

Ted:
All right, barney.

It all comes down to you.

I side with robin.

What?

Ted, your place
is too cluttered.

It's like you're
living in a bennigan's.

Or a danby's.

What, they don't have
danby's in the us?

Really?

Well, then were do you get

Grizzly paw ice cream
sandwiches?

Just stop, sweetie.

Ted:
So I had no choice.

I packed up everything

I had gotten
from ex-girlfriends.

It was painful,

But not as painful as what I
had to endure later that night.

New york is famous
for its theater,

But there's many
different levels.

There's broadway, off-broadway,
off-off-broadway,

Homeless people screaming
in the park,

And then below that,
the play aunt lily was in.

Eight flights of stairs.

Who puts a theater up
eight flights of stairs?

What kind of building is this?

From the smell of it,
I'm guessing a urine factory.

Hey, where do you guys
want to sit?

I know where I don't
want to sit.

Guys, four together!

I brought a bag in case
anyone needs to puke.

Come on. It's not
gonna be that bad.

No? Okay.

Shh.

(gong sounds)

I... Am... Rage!

I... Am greed.

(gong rings)

I am rage... Envy!

(quietly):
I am outta here.

No, you're not.
You have to stay.

This is the face of consumerism!

Oh, my god.
Ted's part of the play.

(cast gasping)

Hello, greed, rage...

Envy...

And consumerism.

I...

Am your father...

America!

(cast gasping)

(cheering)

Oh, baby, that was wonderful!

Totally, I had no idea
greed was the killer.

And when it became
a play within a play,

I was, like, "now
we are really cookin'!"

Wow, lily, that sucked!

Barney!

What? It was terrible.

I mean, come on.
You guys agree, right?

Hey, sorry,
I'm just being honest

'cause, you know, we're friends.

No, friends make each other
feel good.

They build each other up
and support them.

That's what being
a good friend is about.

Yeah, if you're a smurf.

You know if you did a play,
I would sit through

The whole thing and I would
compliment you on it afterwards.

Oh, really? You would? Yes.

Bad move, aldrin, bad move.

(man clears throat)

We'll be starting

Our q&a with the director...

Yours truly...
In five minutes right here.

(chairs clanging loudly)

Can you believe barney
said that about lily's play?

I know. He can be
really insensitive.

Yeah... It was
pretty bad, though.

Oh, my god, it was so bad.

Oh, my god, you've been robbed!

Nope.

All that stuff was
from old girlfriends?

Don't you buy anything
for yourself?

What can I say?

Papa gets swag.

Mmm...

And that should've been
the end of it.

But the next day...

You know, at first
I was really bummed

About getting rid
of all my stuff.

But seeing how happy it makes
you... totally worth it.

Mm, that's kind of how I
feel when I begrudgingly

Have sex with you
when I'm really tired.

Exactly. Sometimes you gotta
take one for the team.

(growling)

Well, sit.

Sit, yeah.

So you never keep anything
your ex-boyfriends gave you?

Nope.

Well, except for my dogs.

So I had to get rid
of everything

From my past
relationships because

You don't keep things
from your past relationships

Except, uh, where are
your five dogs from?

Oh, that's right:
Your past relationships.

What's your point, ted?

Well, you know how you said

You come over to my apartment,

And all you can see
are my ex-girlfriends?

What, so when you look
at my dogs,

All you see is my ex-boyfriends?

Good boy.

I do now.

That's ridiculous.

I thought you said you got rid

Of everything
your ex-boyfriends gave you.

Well, yeah, but not my dogs.
You said everything.

But not living things.

Well, tell that to the rare
bolivian cactus I threw away.

Things with a heartbeat
can stay.

Enjoying this?

Pickles, go get your ball.

Go get your ball.

Just admit it.

It was a little
hypocritical of you

To make me get rid
of all my stuff.

Well, what do you
want me to do, ted?

Get rid of my dogs?

Guess what position
we did it in.

Yes. Yes, I want you
to get rid of your dogs.

Um, no.

Really? Well, I say

We take it to the group,
but I don't like your chances.

She's not getting
rid of the dogs.

What's the matter with you?

Even I wouldn't do that.

Yes!
Ugh!

You can ask somebody
to get rid of their iguana

After it poops in your hair,
but not their dog.

I miss jebediah.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Flyers for my new play.

Very funny.

Oh, it's not a joke.

It's my one-man show
premiering tomorrow night.

And even though it's terrible
and excruciatingly long,

I expect you all to be there
since we're such good friends.

Oh, we'll be there.

Unless, of course, you just want
to admit that you were wrong...

Never.
Good.

Okay, I gotta go rehearse.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Bring a poncho;
the first three rows get wet.

(clicks tongue)

I'm sorry I didn't tell you
where the dogs came from.

I'm sorry I asked you
to get rid of them.

That was ridiculous.

So we're-we're okay?

Yeah, we're great.

And I thought we were,

But just as it did

In the seventh act
of aunt lily's play,

Jealousy reared its ugly head.

Oh, yeah, baby, that's the spot.

♪ So messed up,
I want you here ♪

♪ But now I wanna
be your dog... ♪

Dude, I gotta pee.

♪ Now I wanna be your dog

Sorry, I... I gotta go.

♪ Now I wanna be your dog...

(door shuts)

Oh, he's really having trouble
dealing with this, huh?

Yeah, he really is.

It's got me thinking, maybe
I should get rid of my dogs.

Might be time
to send them to the farm.

You're gonna kill your dogs?!

No! No, no, no,
there really is a farm.

My aunt has a farm upstate.

Oh, thank god.

Aw, you know, if I
were five dogs,

I'd rather live on a farm than
in an apartment in brooklyn.

Yeah. I could visit
them on weekends.

My aunt is awfully
lonely up there.

It's just her
and her lover, betty.

Oh, that's perfect.
They love dogs.

"They"?
What do you mean by "they"?

Uh... Uh... Uh...

People upstate.

Oh, look, it's starting.
Shh!

Are you sure
you're gonna be okay?

I mean, you know that this
is gonna be... I know,

But I'm gonna sit
through the whole thing,

And I'm gonna say something
nice about it afterwards.

You know why?

Because that's what friends do.
Hmm.

(gong chimes)

Moist.

Moist.

Moist.

Moist.

Ted: That was the first 40
minutes of barney's show.

Moist.

And then we endured
about 20 minutes of this.

(sighs)

I have to go refill.

I'll be back in a moment.

Play's not over.

I never get picked for
audience participation.

And then it just got weird.

(makes electrical buzzing
sounds)

(staccato rhythm):
Feelings.

Inside.

Oh, no!

Barney:
Beep, beep, beep.

Beep.

(makes buzzing
and whirring sounds)

(buzzing)

Ted:
And when that didn't work...

(playing sprightly melody)

(stopping and starting)

(plays one high-pitched note
over and over again)

Okay!

Stop!

You win. Fine.

Barney, I'm sorry
I made you come to my show.

Thank you, lily.

Is there anything you'd like
to say about my show?

No.

No, I have nothing nice
to say about your show.

You were right, barney.

Let's go to the bar.

Yes!
I win!

I love winning!

Oh, lily.

Oh, lily, lily, lily.

I was just getting warmed up,
man!

If you had any idea what was
coming up in act two... Oh!

Well, I imagine it was
pretty awful, so let's go.

Pretty awful?
Pretty awful?!

It was a masterpiece of awful.

It's genius how bad it is.

I kind of wish
you guys could see it.

Yeah, well, anyway.

Act two is where
I really hit my stride.

Spoiler alert:
The robot falls in love.

How about this, barney?

How about we stay and-and watch
the rest of your show?

It's your funeral.

Five, six, one, two.

(playing high-pitched melody)

So we stayed
and let barney torture us

For another hour and a half,

'cause that's what friends do,
apparently.

Hey.

Where've you been?

I called you earlier.

I gave my dogs away to my aunt.

You what?

Yeah. Just for a few months
as a test run, but...

I think it's for the best.

Wow.

Oh, man.

Aw...

Can we go inside?

Uh, no.

Uh, let's go to the bar.
Why?

What's going on inside?
Um, the floors are gone.

What? Yeah. I-I sent them
out to get, um, fixed.

This is a terrible lie.

I'm just going to bail.

I didn't know you were getting
rid of the dogs!

You said you threw
all that stuff away!

Ted: Kids, this was the worst
fight robin and I ever had.

It was one of those fights
that last for hours

And you start to get woozy
and lose track

Of what you're fighting about.

We fought for so long,

Seasons changed
outside the window.

Pages of the calendar blew off.
It was crazy.

But, ultimately,
and I couldn't tell you how

For the life of me,
but somehow we got to here.

We're really doing this?

Yeah.

We're moving in together!
We're moving in together!

(joyous laughter)

Congratulations!
Thank you.

(staccato rhythm):
♪ robot found love

♪ confusing my circuitry

♪ my software's been hacked

♪ toaster oven,
you're the one for me. ♪

Two, three, four.

(grunting)

That's two.

Amazing finish.