How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 2, Episode 12 - First Time in New York - full transcript
Robin tries to keep her younger sister from losing her virginity while on vacation in New York, which causes everyone to reminisce about their first times.
Ted: Kids, you remember
my first date with robin.
I think I'm in love with you.
What?!
Well, here's the thing,
Normal people, you know,
people who aren't your dad,
Usually take longer
to say "I love you."
Robin went through
the usual stages.
Spider!
Spider! I left something
in the hallway.
Where?
Right there.
(sighs) got it.
First there's the moment
when you think you think it.
Whoa, still alive.
(yells)
There's the moment
you think you know it.
Oh, you don't want to
kiss me, you'll get sick.
Totally worth it.
There's the moment
where you know you know it,
But you can't yet say it.
All right, it's getting
to be that time.
I'll talk to you tomorrow?
Good night.
Good night.
Wait. Ted?
Yeah?
Good night.
Well, great, I'll see you then.
Bye, sweetie.
My sister katie is coming
to visit next weekend.
She gets in on Thursday.
That's awesome. You know
what I'm going to do?
I'm going to take
off work Friday.
We're gonna take her to
the empire state building.
Really? You'd do that?
Of course. Everyone should see
the empire state building.
And then there's the moment
when you know you know it,
And you can't keep it in
any longer.
Ted.
Yeah?
Falafel.
Falafel?
Falafel.
Instead of telling ted
you love him,
You said "falafel"?
I totally choked.
I just don't get it.
Why can't you tell
ted you love him?
Oh, come on, this
is a big deal for me.
Oh, god, you'd think you never
said it to a guy before.
No.
Okay, well, I don't
usually get this far
In the relationship.
I usually take
the three-week exit.
Don't tell me you're
actually buying into
Barney's freeway theory.
Watch your steps when you get
up, kids, 'cause I am about
To drop some knowledge.
Relationships are like
a freeway.
Wait a minute, a month ago
you told me relationships
Are like a traveling circus.
No, this is new.
This trumps that.
Freeways have exits.
So do relationships.
The first exit, my personal
favorite, is six hours in.
You meet, you talk,
you have sex,
You exit when
she's in the shower.
So every girl you have sex with
Feels the immediate
need to shower?
Actually, yeah, I get that.
The next exits are four days,
three weeks, seven months...
That's when you guys are gonna
break up, mark your calendars.
Hey!
What?
Then a year and a half,
18 years,
And the last exit... death.
Which, if you've been with the
same woman for your entire life,
It's like, "are we there yet?"
So I've never been on the
freeway this long before.
I mean, usually by now,
I find out the guy
Has some weird personality thing
That makes me want
to take the next exit.
Yeah, been there.
I once dated a guy
Who could only
go to the bathroom
When classical music
was playing.
Okay, it was marshall.
It's just things are
going so well with ted.
I just don't want
to complicate it.
Relax, it'll happen
when it happens.
Which is also the advice
I gave marshall
To get him over
the classical music thing.
Oh, here comes katie.
Aw, your sister's so cute. Yeah.
This reminds me of
when I used to see her
Coming up the driveway
from school,
With her little pigtails
and her hello kitty backpack.
Well, hello, kitty.
Oh, no.
No. No. No.
Hey, robin.
Hey.
How are you?
Oh, good. Good.
So, who is this...
Tongue person?
Oh, robin,
This is my boyfriend kyle.
Looks like hotness
runs in the family.
Oh, you said that.
Great.
So how long have
you two been...?
He's actually coming to visit
family in new york, too.
Isn't that great?
My cousin.
He's 23, kind of a wad,
But he buys me beer, so...
(chuckles nervously)
that's cool.
This is my friend lily.
Hot.
You say things!
Well, come on, let's get you
Back to my place,
we'll get you settled.
Um, actually, I'm going
to stay with kyle tonight.
Uh, no, you're not.
Oh, come on.
It's kind of a special night.
If you know what I mean.
What?
Oh. Oh...
(sighs)
I can't believe my baby sister
Is planning
to lose her virginity
To a douche with a faux-hawk.
You guys have to help me
talk her out of it.
Speech to talk a girl
out of having sex.
Yeah, I don't have any of those.
Discouraging premarital sex
is against my religion.
Please? I'm her older sister.
I'm supposed to teach her
How to make good
and responsible decisions.
It's 2:00 and you've already
had three scotch and sodas.
That's why I need your help.
Robin convinced katie to stay
with her that first night.
And the next day,
I took everybody
to the empire state building.
You guys are lucky you came here
with an architect.
Empire state building
fun fact number one:
When construction began on March
17, 1930, the framework rose
At a rate of four and a half
stories per week.
Four and a half stories
per week.
Four and a half stories
per week.
(murmuring) wow. There it is.
There it is.
Come on.
These are fun facts, guys,
let's have fun with them.
You know, katie, I have wanted
To come to the empire state
building for so long,
But I waited to come here
with someone special.
Oh, here we go.
Marshall and I have never been
To the empire state
building, either.
I waited to do something
so important
With my fiancé.
Speaking of waiting,
I signed an abstinence
pledge in high school.
It's totally cool to wait.
And stay away from drugs...
Other than pot.
You told them?
Oh, okay, yes, I told them.
But only because I think
you should hear it
From other grownups, too.
Everyone thinks
you should wait, right, guys?
Totally. You should wait.
Sex is fun.
See?
You are such a hypocrite.
You were only 16
when you lost yours.
How do you know that?
You left your diary
In your old room
slash my new room.
I'll pay you $10,000
for that diary.
Look, I've been dating kyle
for two months now.
It's like forever.
I mean, we've already
done everything else.
I mean, we've even...
Oh. La, la, la, la, la.
La, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la.
Even kyle gets to do that.
You have no right
to tell me not to do it.
But kyle?
Why can't you just wait?
Because if you wait, you can get
A nice guy, like ted.
Robin, this is happening.
Look, I already put it up
on my myspace page.
I need a clove.
You smoke now, too?
Oh, remember cloves?
No!
No "aw, remember cloves?"
This can't happen.
She's my
She should be watching
the little mermaid
And drinking yoohoo,
and not having sex.
Come on, you were only
16 when you had sex.
I was 17.
We were 18.
Barney was probably 12.
(chuckles) good one, ted.
I was, uh, six... Fourt...
How old were you again?
17.
Dude, me, too.
Barney, you okay?
Yeah, of course.
What, you don't believe me?
It was at camp, so I'm...
What camp?
This place in the catskills.
Look it up.
I was there teaching
for the summer, so...
What did you teach?
Uh, dance.
Dance?
Yeah, ted, dance.
Maybe you've heard of it.
It was just a simple summer job,
But it turned into so much more.
Barney:
Her name was frances houseman,
But everyone called her baby.
♪ Sylvia
♪ yes, mickey?
♪ How you call your loverboy?
♪ Come here, loverboy
♪ and if he doesn't answer
♪ oh, loverboy
♪ and if he still doesn't
answer? ♪
♪ I simply say, baby...
♪ oh, baby
♪ my sweet baby
That's dirty dancing.
Ted:
It was on last night.
No, it was two nights ago.
"She's like the wind"
Has been stuck in my brain
for about 40 hours.
I just got it out.
Now it's back in.
Damn you, swayze!
Do you remember our first time?
Yeah.
It was back in college.
Oh, wait, wait.
Look...
I really want to do this, but...
We should make it
special, you know?
Do this right.
Okay.
You're right.
Maybe we could go to the beach
And get a house for the weekend.
Yeah, new year's eve.
Okay.
Oh, and we'll light candles
And maybe put on
some classical music.
That's not a good idea.
Why not?
Long story.
But maybe we could
put on some al green
And take a bubble bath together.
Oh, yeah, that sounds so good.
Oh, I love you, marshall.
I'm so glad we're waiting.
Oops.
Oh, that's adorable.
Yeah, tell her
what happened next.
That was amazing.
Yeah.
Want to do it again?
Please don't.
We said we were sorry.
Yeah, well, then
why'd you do it again?
You know what,
I loaned you my walkman.
The point is
No matter what,
it's never gonna be
As perfect as you want it to be.
Well, mine was terrible.
Wait, I've never
heard your story.
Well, as you know, I was 16.
And it was
with my boyfriend, brian.
Ready?
Yeah.
Wow.
This feels so right.
Oh, I know.
Oh, robin.
Oh, brian.
Yeah, I'm gay.
I'm so sorry.
Eh, I should've known.
There were signs.
(door opens) oh, my god!
My mom's home.
Quick!
Get under my bed.
What?!
Oh, my god!
You only get one shot
at losing your virginity.
And even though I just barely
had sex, it counts.
What do you mean just barely?
Well, he didn't dive
all the way into the pool,
But he... Splashed around
in the shallow end.
Then you didn't lose
your virginity to him.
"Just barely" doesn't count.
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't count.
End of story.
Ooh, why, lily aldrin,
you saucy little harlot.
Could it be that before marshall
Took a swim,
someone else tested the water?
(chuckles): No. Nobody else
tested the water, right?
Scooter?
Who's scooter?
My high school boyfriend,
Who I did not have sex with.
I can't believe this.
We're marshall and lily...
When people see us, they say,
"oh, look at them, they've
only had sex with each other."
No, marshall, they say,
(sadly):
"oh, look at them,
They've only had sex
with each other."
Marshall:
But now
That's not true anymore...
Now you've had sex
With twice as many
people as I have.
I knew that you were
too good at it.
Know what?
I don't want to see
The stupid
empire state building anymore.
It's not stupid.
I'm going to see kyle.
Katie, please.
You only get
to lose your virginity once.
You should only be having sex
with someone who's special.
Oh, please... you've had sex
with, like, a hundred guys.
It's not a hundred guys.
(loudly):
It's not a hundred guys.
I'm sure you were madly
in love with all of them.
I had different levels
of feeling for each of the...
Very reasonable number of guys.
Really.
Well, do you love ted?
Do you love ted?
I, um...
Okay, empire state building
Fun fact number 22:
The empire state building
has tons of places
Where people can have
private conversations.
You're off the hook, okay?
Just let me explain.
You don't have to
explain anything.
You don't have to
say it... it's fine.
Okay, but if relationships
are like a freeway,
Then saying... "hm hm hm"
Is like... Getting
into the carpool lane.
And I don't want
to take an exit, but...
At the same time,
I'm not ready to get
into the carpool lane.
Because what's
in the carpool lane?
Oh, it's a big diamond,
and I'm just not ready to get...
Okay, robin, robin, stop.
It's no big deal...
You don't have to say it.
It's just, it's a big thing
to say to someone,
And I don't want
to say it too soon.
What, you mean like I did?
No. I didn't...
Yeah, like you did.
I mean, you have to admit it,
ted, it was a little weird.
Weird... Or courageous?
Pretty sure weird.
Okay.
I mean, who gives it up
on the first date?
Well, come on, it shows I'm
brave and bold, like a knight.
No, it shows that you're
an I-love-you slut.
Well, then you're an
I-love-you prude.
You know what?
I take mine back.
You... What? I take
my "I love you" back.
You can't take it back. Nah. Just did.
Got it right here.
But, you know, I'm such a slut,
I'm just gonna give it away
Hey, you, sir.
I love you.
(voice breaks):
Thank you, man.
I was going up there to jump.
Lily: Marshall, why is
this such a big deal?
Why is this such a big deal?
Oh, uh, sorry,
christopher columbus,
Guess who actually
discovered the new world.
Some dude named scooter.
Neil armstrong,
it actually goes like this:
"one small step for man,
one giant leap for scooter."
Whoa, hey, adam,
Guess who got with eve before you did...
Okay, marshall,
It's a big deal because
it rewrites our history.
No, it doesn't.
Look, have you been
to the empire state building?
No. You've only been
in the lobby.
People don't buy tickets
to get in the lobby.
They buy tickets
to get to the top.
Scooter only
Got in the lobby,
And the lobby doesn't count.
Really. Excuse me, sir,
uh, can you tell me
How to get to the empire
state building?
Um, we're in it right now.
Thank you, sir.
You're a very wise
and brilliant man.
You're right.
Why would I throw that all away?
I'm having the best day!
Katie, I'll admit,
Maybe I'm not in any
place to lecture you
On romantic
relationships, but...
But I just don't want you
To make the same mistakes
that I've made.
(laughs): Oh, believe
me, kyle is not gay.
That's not what I meant.
I just wish you weren't
in such a rush to grow up.
Please don't do this.
Ted: But, kids, later
that night katie did it,
And she got pregnant...
With quintuplets...
And she lived out her days
in a trailer park...
Where she died an alcoholic.
So the moral here, kids,
Don't have sex
until you're married.
Maybe even wait
a year or two into marriage.
Dad! Dad! Come on,
what really happened?
All right,
Here's what really happened.
Hey.
Hey.
She didn't do it.
Hey, that's great!
You got through to her.
No, I didn't. You did.
She told me that
you talked to her.
Hey, katie.
Hey.
Got another empire state
building fun fact for me?
(laughs):
No. I wouldn't bore you
With the seven million man-hours
it took to build
This 102-story testament
to human will.
So, you okay?
I don't know what everyone
is freaking out about.
Kyle, he's a really nice guy.
He could've cheated on me
With my lab partner
gretchen gwynn,
But he didn't.
Because he said
he knew I'd find out.
That's very gallant.
Well, I don't know what
Your sister's freaking
out about, either.
I was your age my first time.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah. It was, uh,
it was with this girl, molly.
I love you, ted.
Oh, I love you, too, molly.
But I didn't.
That was amazing.
Look, I got to go.
Where are you going?
My cousin got some
firecrackers from mexico.
We're going out to
the woods to light 'em...
It's gonna be awesome.
Well, will you call me?
Yeah. Yeah,
I'll totally call you.
But I didn't.
Molly?
Yeah?
Can I borrow 20 bucks?
I'll totally pay you back.
But I didn't.
And I never saw her again.
I told her I loved her, but...
I just wanted to have sex.
I-I would've said anything
to make that happen, and...
That's exactly what I did.
Oh. Look, I'm not telling you
What to do.
I'm just telling you what
all 17-year-old boys are like.
Even the nice ones.
So I told kyle I
wanted to wait...
(crying):
And he dumped me.
Oh, oh, sweetie,
I'm so sorry.
Aw, honey.
I promise everything
is gonna be okay.
And drink some yoo-hoo?
Only if you put a buttload
of kahlua in it.
Don't tell mom.
Thanks for doing that.
You're welcome.
I knew it meant a lot to you.
But, man, your story,
I mean, it doesn't
even sound like you.
Yeah, well...
I love you, molly.
Oh, I love you, too, ted.
Wow. That was amazing.
Look, I got to go.
Wh-where are you going?
Uh, my cousin got some
firecrackers from mexico.
We're going into the woods
to light them.
It's gonna be awesome.
Will you call me?
Yeah. I'll totally call you.
Oh, ted?
Yeah?
Can I borrow 20 bucks?
I'll totally pay you back.
But she didn't.
Oh, come here.
I love you.
(sighs)
(laughs) I said it.
Feels right.
I love you.
I'm gay.
Oh...
I'm kidding.
I love you, too.
Mmm...
Mmm...
Hey...
You lost your
I-love-you-ginity.
Yeah.
I guess I was just
waiting for the right guy.
Katie ended up having
a great first time in new york.
And the last thing we did
before she left
Was go
to the empire state building.
Wow, I am so glad we're
finally doing this.
What are you talking about?
We were here yesterday.
Yeah, but that
didn't really count.
Oh, crap.
Exactly!
So yesterday doesn't count
As having gone
to the empire state building.
So I lost it to you, marshall.
And I rode that elevator
to the top,
And I saw that view,
and I basked in the awesomeness.
And that's our story.
Yeah. Yeah,
that's our story.
We've only had sex
with each other.
We've only had sex
with each other.
They've only had sex
with each other.
(shudders)
Ooh, okay, in, in we go,
in we go.
Ha-ha-ha!
Okay, empire state building
fun fact number 81:
There are 1,860 steps
From this... Whoa, whoa!
(barney cackles) come on!
So, now you guys can finally say
You've been to the
empire state building.
How have you lived here so long
and never been to the top?
Well, we're usually busy...
Drinking.
Lily:
Speaking of first times,
We never got to hear your
virginity story. Oh, yeah.
That's right, I almost forgot.
Okay. I was 16,
And it was
in a baseball dugout...
I mean, I was in a subway
with a high-priced call girl...
I was accidentally
hacking into norad's computer...
That's war games, and there's
not even a sex scene in it.
All right!
I was 23, and it was
with my mom's 45-year-old
Divorced friend, rhonda.
She called me "barry"
the whole time,
And for two weeks, my comforter
smelled like menthol cigarettes.
You happy?
Hey...
Why don't you
Tell us again about
your first time
At the camp in the catskills.
Baby and her family spent
every summer at kellerman's.
Her dad did not approve
of our love.
Did anyone put baby in a corner?
Oh, god, no.
What can I say, I...
Had... The time of my life.
True story.
Mm.
♪ I had
♪ the time of my life.
my first date with robin.
I think I'm in love with you.
What?!
Well, here's the thing,
Normal people, you know,
people who aren't your dad,
Usually take longer
to say "I love you."
Robin went through
the usual stages.
Spider!
Spider! I left something
in the hallway.
Where?
Right there.
(sighs) got it.
First there's the moment
when you think you think it.
Whoa, still alive.
(yells)
There's the moment
you think you know it.
Oh, you don't want to
kiss me, you'll get sick.
Totally worth it.
There's the moment
where you know you know it,
But you can't yet say it.
All right, it's getting
to be that time.
I'll talk to you tomorrow?
Good night.
Good night.
Wait. Ted?
Yeah?
Good night.
Well, great, I'll see you then.
Bye, sweetie.
My sister katie is coming
to visit next weekend.
She gets in on Thursday.
That's awesome. You know
what I'm going to do?
I'm going to take
off work Friday.
We're gonna take her to
the empire state building.
Really? You'd do that?
Of course. Everyone should see
the empire state building.
And then there's the moment
when you know you know it,
And you can't keep it in
any longer.
Ted.
Yeah?
Falafel.
Falafel?
Falafel.
Instead of telling ted
you love him,
You said "falafel"?
I totally choked.
I just don't get it.
Why can't you tell
ted you love him?
Oh, come on, this
is a big deal for me.
Oh, god, you'd think you never
said it to a guy before.
No.
Okay, well, I don't
usually get this far
In the relationship.
I usually take
the three-week exit.
Don't tell me you're
actually buying into
Barney's freeway theory.
Watch your steps when you get
up, kids, 'cause I am about
To drop some knowledge.
Relationships are like
a freeway.
Wait a minute, a month ago
you told me relationships
Are like a traveling circus.
No, this is new.
This trumps that.
Freeways have exits.
So do relationships.
The first exit, my personal
favorite, is six hours in.
You meet, you talk,
you have sex,
You exit when
she's in the shower.
So every girl you have sex with
Feels the immediate
need to shower?
Actually, yeah, I get that.
The next exits are four days,
three weeks, seven months...
That's when you guys are gonna
break up, mark your calendars.
Hey!
What?
Then a year and a half,
18 years,
And the last exit... death.
Which, if you've been with the
same woman for your entire life,
It's like, "are we there yet?"
So I've never been on the
freeway this long before.
I mean, usually by now,
I find out the guy
Has some weird personality thing
That makes me want
to take the next exit.
Yeah, been there.
I once dated a guy
Who could only
go to the bathroom
When classical music
was playing.
Okay, it was marshall.
It's just things are
going so well with ted.
I just don't want
to complicate it.
Relax, it'll happen
when it happens.
Which is also the advice
I gave marshall
To get him over
the classical music thing.
Oh, here comes katie.
Aw, your sister's so cute. Yeah.
This reminds me of
when I used to see her
Coming up the driveway
from school,
With her little pigtails
and her hello kitty backpack.
Well, hello, kitty.
Oh, no.
No. No. No.
Hey, robin.
Hey.
How are you?
Oh, good. Good.
So, who is this...
Tongue person?
Oh, robin,
This is my boyfriend kyle.
Looks like hotness
runs in the family.
Oh, you said that.
Great.
So how long have
you two been...?
He's actually coming to visit
family in new york, too.
Isn't that great?
My cousin.
He's 23, kind of a wad,
But he buys me beer, so...
(chuckles nervously)
that's cool.
This is my friend lily.
Hot.
You say things!
Well, come on, let's get you
Back to my place,
we'll get you settled.
Um, actually, I'm going
to stay with kyle tonight.
Uh, no, you're not.
Oh, come on.
It's kind of a special night.
If you know what I mean.
What?
Oh. Oh...
(sighs)
I can't believe my baby sister
Is planning
to lose her virginity
To a douche with a faux-hawk.
You guys have to help me
talk her out of it.
Speech to talk a girl
out of having sex.
Yeah, I don't have any of those.
Discouraging premarital sex
is against my religion.
Please? I'm her older sister.
I'm supposed to teach her
How to make good
and responsible decisions.
It's 2:00 and you've already
had three scotch and sodas.
That's why I need your help.
Robin convinced katie to stay
with her that first night.
And the next day,
I took everybody
to the empire state building.
You guys are lucky you came here
with an architect.
Empire state building
fun fact number one:
When construction began on March
17, 1930, the framework rose
At a rate of four and a half
stories per week.
Four and a half stories
per week.
Four and a half stories
per week.
(murmuring) wow. There it is.
There it is.
Come on.
These are fun facts, guys,
let's have fun with them.
You know, katie, I have wanted
To come to the empire state
building for so long,
But I waited to come here
with someone special.
Oh, here we go.
Marshall and I have never been
To the empire state
building, either.
I waited to do something
so important
With my fiancé.
Speaking of waiting,
I signed an abstinence
pledge in high school.
It's totally cool to wait.
And stay away from drugs...
Other than pot.
You told them?
Oh, okay, yes, I told them.
But only because I think
you should hear it
From other grownups, too.
Everyone thinks
you should wait, right, guys?
Totally. You should wait.
Sex is fun.
See?
You are such a hypocrite.
You were only 16
when you lost yours.
How do you know that?
You left your diary
In your old room
slash my new room.
I'll pay you $10,000
for that diary.
Look, I've been dating kyle
for two months now.
It's like forever.
I mean, we've already
done everything else.
I mean, we've even...
Oh. La, la, la, la, la.
La, la, la, la, la, la,
la, la, la, la, la, la.
Even kyle gets to do that.
You have no right
to tell me not to do it.
But kyle?
Why can't you just wait?
Because if you wait, you can get
A nice guy, like ted.
Robin, this is happening.
Look, I already put it up
on my myspace page.
I need a clove.
You smoke now, too?
Oh, remember cloves?
No!
No "aw, remember cloves?"
This can't happen.
She's my
She should be watching
the little mermaid
And drinking yoohoo,
and not having sex.
Come on, you were only
16 when you had sex.
I was 17.
We were 18.
Barney was probably 12.
(chuckles) good one, ted.
I was, uh, six... Fourt...
How old were you again?
17.
Dude, me, too.
Barney, you okay?
Yeah, of course.
What, you don't believe me?
It was at camp, so I'm...
What camp?
This place in the catskills.
Look it up.
I was there teaching
for the summer, so...
What did you teach?
Uh, dance.
Dance?
Yeah, ted, dance.
Maybe you've heard of it.
It was just a simple summer job,
But it turned into so much more.
Barney:
Her name was frances houseman,
But everyone called her baby.
♪ Sylvia
♪ yes, mickey?
♪ How you call your loverboy?
♪ Come here, loverboy
♪ and if he doesn't answer
♪ oh, loverboy
♪ and if he still doesn't
answer? ♪
♪ I simply say, baby...
♪ oh, baby
♪ my sweet baby
That's dirty dancing.
Ted:
It was on last night.
No, it was two nights ago.
"She's like the wind"
Has been stuck in my brain
for about 40 hours.
I just got it out.
Now it's back in.
Damn you, swayze!
Do you remember our first time?
Yeah.
It was back in college.
Oh, wait, wait.
Look...
I really want to do this, but...
We should make it
special, you know?
Do this right.
Okay.
You're right.
Maybe we could go to the beach
And get a house for the weekend.
Yeah, new year's eve.
Okay.
Oh, and we'll light candles
And maybe put on
some classical music.
That's not a good idea.
Why not?
Long story.
But maybe we could
put on some al green
And take a bubble bath together.
Oh, yeah, that sounds so good.
Oh, I love you, marshall.
I'm so glad we're waiting.
Oops.
Oh, that's adorable.
Yeah, tell her
what happened next.
That was amazing.
Yeah.
Want to do it again?
Please don't.
We said we were sorry.
Yeah, well, then
why'd you do it again?
You know what,
I loaned you my walkman.
The point is
No matter what,
it's never gonna be
As perfect as you want it to be.
Well, mine was terrible.
Wait, I've never
heard your story.
Well, as you know, I was 16.
And it was
with my boyfriend, brian.
Ready?
Yeah.
Wow.
This feels so right.
Oh, I know.
Oh, robin.
Oh, brian.
Yeah, I'm gay.
I'm so sorry.
Eh, I should've known.
There were signs.
(door opens) oh, my god!
My mom's home.
Quick!
Get under my bed.
What?!
Oh, my god!
You only get one shot
at losing your virginity.
And even though I just barely
had sex, it counts.
What do you mean just barely?
Well, he didn't dive
all the way into the pool,
But he... Splashed around
in the shallow end.
Then you didn't lose
your virginity to him.
"Just barely" doesn't count.
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn't.
Yes, it does.
No, it doesn't.
It doesn't count.
End of story.
Ooh, why, lily aldrin,
you saucy little harlot.
Could it be that before marshall
Took a swim,
someone else tested the water?
(chuckles): No. Nobody else
tested the water, right?
Scooter?
Who's scooter?
My high school boyfriend,
Who I did not have sex with.
I can't believe this.
We're marshall and lily...
When people see us, they say,
"oh, look at them, they've
only had sex with each other."
No, marshall, they say,
(sadly):
"oh, look at them,
They've only had sex
with each other."
Marshall:
But now
That's not true anymore...
Now you've had sex
With twice as many
people as I have.
I knew that you were
too good at it.
Know what?
I don't want to see
The stupid
empire state building anymore.
It's not stupid.
I'm going to see kyle.
Katie, please.
You only get
to lose your virginity once.
You should only be having sex
with someone who's special.
Oh, please... you've had sex
with, like, a hundred guys.
It's not a hundred guys.
(loudly):
It's not a hundred guys.
I'm sure you were madly
in love with all of them.
I had different levels
of feeling for each of the...
Very reasonable number of guys.
Really.
Well, do you love ted?
Do you love ted?
I, um...
Okay, empire state building
Fun fact number 22:
The empire state building
has tons of places
Where people can have
private conversations.
You're off the hook, okay?
Just let me explain.
You don't have to
explain anything.
You don't have to
say it... it's fine.
Okay, but if relationships
are like a freeway,
Then saying... "hm hm hm"
Is like... Getting
into the carpool lane.
And I don't want
to take an exit, but...
At the same time,
I'm not ready to get
into the carpool lane.
Because what's
in the carpool lane?
Oh, it's a big diamond,
and I'm just not ready to get...
Okay, robin, robin, stop.
It's no big deal...
You don't have to say it.
It's just, it's a big thing
to say to someone,
And I don't want
to say it too soon.
What, you mean like I did?
No. I didn't...
Yeah, like you did.
I mean, you have to admit it,
ted, it was a little weird.
Weird... Or courageous?
Pretty sure weird.
Okay.
I mean, who gives it up
on the first date?
Well, come on, it shows I'm
brave and bold, like a knight.
No, it shows that you're
an I-love-you slut.
Well, then you're an
I-love-you prude.
You know what?
I take mine back.
You... What? I take
my "I love you" back.
You can't take it back. Nah. Just did.
Got it right here.
But, you know, I'm such a slut,
I'm just gonna give it away
Hey, you, sir.
I love you.
(voice breaks):
Thank you, man.
I was going up there to jump.
Lily: Marshall, why is
this such a big deal?
Why is this such a big deal?
Oh, uh, sorry,
christopher columbus,
Guess who actually
discovered the new world.
Some dude named scooter.
Neil armstrong,
it actually goes like this:
"one small step for man,
one giant leap for scooter."
Whoa, hey, adam,
Guess who got with eve before you did...
Okay, marshall,
It's a big deal because
it rewrites our history.
No, it doesn't.
Look, have you been
to the empire state building?
No. You've only been
in the lobby.
People don't buy tickets
to get in the lobby.
They buy tickets
to get to the top.
Scooter only
Got in the lobby,
And the lobby doesn't count.
Really. Excuse me, sir,
uh, can you tell me
How to get to the empire
state building?
Um, we're in it right now.
Thank you, sir.
You're a very wise
and brilliant man.
You're right.
Why would I throw that all away?
I'm having the best day!
Katie, I'll admit,
Maybe I'm not in any
place to lecture you
On romantic
relationships, but...
But I just don't want you
To make the same mistakes
that I've made.
(laughs): Oh, believe
me, kyle is not gay.
That's not what I meant.
I just wish you weren't
in such a rush to grow up.
Please don't do this.
Ted: But, kids, later
that night katie did it,
And she got pregnant...
With quintuplets...
And she lived out her days
in a trailer park...
Where she died an alcoholic.
So the moral here, kids,
Don't have sex
until you're married.
Maybe even wait
a year or two into marriage.
Dad! Dad! Come on,
what really happened?
All right,
Here's what really happened.
Hey.
Hey.
She didn't do it.
Hey, that's great!
You got through to her.
No, I didn't. You did.
She told me that
you talked to her.
Hey, katie.
Hey.
Got another empire state
building fun fact for me?
(laughs):
No. I wouldn't bore you
With the seven million man-hours
it took to build
This 102-story testament
to human will.
So, you okay?
I don't know what everyone
is freaking out about.
Kyle, he's a really nice guy.
He could've cheated on me
With my lab partner
gretchen gwynn,
But he didn't.
Because he said
he knew I'd find out.
That's very gallant.
Well, I don't know what
Your sister's freaking
out about, either.
I was your age my first time.
Oh, really?
Yeah, yeah. It was, uh,
it was with this girl, molly.
I love you, ted.
Oh, I love you, too, molly.
But I didn't.
That was amazing.
Look, I got to go.
Where are you going?
My cousin got some
firecrackers from mexico.
We're going out to
the woods to light 'em...
It's gonna be awesome.
Well, will you call me?
Yeah. Yeah,
I'll totally call you.
But I didn't.
Molly?
Yeah?
Can I borrow 20 bucks?
I'll totally pay you back.
But I didn't.
And I never saw her again.
I told her I loved her, but...
I just wanted to have sex.
I-I would've said anything
to make that happen, and...
That's exactly what I did.
Oh. Look, I'm not telling you
What to do.
I'm just telling you what
all 17-year-old boys are like.
Even the nice ones.
So I told kyle I
wanted to wait...
(crying):
And he dumped me.
Oh, oh, sweetie,
I'm so sorry.
Aw, honey.
I promise everything
is gonna be okay.
And drink some yoo-hoo?
Only if you put a buttload
of kahlua in it.
Don't tell mom.
Thanks for doing that.
You're welcome.
I knew it meant a lot to you.
But, man, your story,
I mean, it doesn't
even sound like you.
Yeah, well...
I love you, molly.
Oh, I love you, too, ted.
Wow. That was amazing.
Look, I got to go.
Wh-where are you going?
Uh, my cousin got some
firecrackers from mexico.
We're going into the woods
to light them.
It's gonna be awesome.
Will you call me?
Yeah. I'll totally call you.
Oh, ted?
Yeah?
Can I borrow 20 bucks?
I'll totally pay you back.
But she didn't.
Oh, come here.
I love you.
(sighs)
(laughs) I said it.
Feels right.
I love you.
I'm gay.
Oh...
I'm kidding.
I love you, too.
Mmm...
Mmm...
Hey...
You lost your
I-love-you-ginity.
Yeah.
I guess I was just
waiting for the right guy.
Katie ended up having
a great first time in new york.
And the last thing we did
before she left
Was go
to the empire state building.
Wow, I am so glad we're
finally doing this.
What are you talking about?
We were here yesterday.
Yeah, but that
didn't really count.
Oh, crap.
Exactly!
So yesterday doesn't count
As having gone
to the empire state building.
So I lost it to you, marshall.
And I rode that elevator
to the top,
And I saw that view,
and I basked in the awesomeness.
And that's our story.
Yeah. Yeah,
that's our story.
We've only had sex
with each other.
We've only had sex
with each other.
They've only had sex
with each other.
(shudders)
Ooh, okay, in, in we go,
in we go.
Ha-ha-ha!
Okay, empire state building
fun fact number 81:
There are 1,860 steps
From this... Whoa, whoa!
(barney cackles) come on!
So, now you guys can finally say
You've been to the
empire state building.
How have you lived here so long
and never been to the top?
Well, we're usually busy...
Drinking.
Lily:
Speaking of first times,
We never got to hear your
virginity story. Oh, yeah.
That's right, I almost forgot.
Okay. I was 16,
And it was
in a baseball dugout...
I mean, I was in a subway
with a high-priced call girl...
I was accidentally
hacking into norad's computer...
That's war games, and there's
not even a sex scene in it.
All right!
I was 23, and it was
with my mom's 45-year-old
Divorced friend, rhonda.
She called me "barry"
the whole time,
And for two weeks, my comforter
smelled like menthol cigarettes.
You happy?
Hey...
Why don't you
Tell us again about
your first time
At the camp in the catskills.
Baby and her family spent
every summer at kellerman's.
Her dad did not approve
of our love.
Did anyone put baby in a corner?
Oh, god, no.
What can I say, I...
Had... The time of my life.
True story.
Mm.
♪ I had
♪ the time of my life.