How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Duel - full transcript

Kids, before I met your mother,

When I was still
out there searching,

I learned something valuable.

That love is not a science.

Wow, that was
a great story, dad.

You see, sometimes in life
you just have to accept

That certain things
can't be explained.

And that's kind of scary.

Oh, my god.

I know, I'm still shaking.
What the...?

Joke's on you, I have a cold.

Are you guys okay?

Another round, and back it
up for me and lily!

We saw something up
in the apartment.

Something bad.

I don't know what it is,
but margaritas make me sexy.

Oh, muchos sexy.
Yo quiero, marshall.

Oh, my god.

Only the craziest,
meanest looking mouse
you've ever seen.

Mouse?

Sweetie, that wasn't a mouse.

That was a huge cockroach.

Baby, it was a mouse.

But those things coming out of
its head, those were antennae.

Marshall ran away
from a cockroach.

Oh, yeah, sorry, my bad.
You're a man.

Oh, my story is on.

Ted, pay attention.

Carl, turn it up.

I'm here with ellen pierce,

New york's premiere matchmaker.

Ellen, your company,
love solutions,

Boasts 100%
success rate.

What's your secret?

Science.

Can be broken down to ones
and zeros, even love.

All I have to do is
input the variables,

And presto manifesto, you have
a soul mate, and it works!

Just ask all
of my happy couples.

And these are just
the attractive ones.

I have more photos
in the bathroom.

Love solutions, ellen pierce.

A beacon of hope
for new york city's lovelorn.

Robin scherbotsky...

Was that chick at the end
really a client?
Yes.

We're signing up.
What?

Ted, these chicks are
desperate and hot.

That's a perfect cocktail.

Shake well, then sleep with.

I'm not going to a matchmaker.
That's like giving up.

It's the man version
of getting a cat.

No, it wasn't a cockroach.

It had fur, and only
mammals have fur.

It was a cockroach.

Come on, lily, the only way
that that was a cockroach

Is if it was wearing the skin
of a mouse it just killed.

Oh, my god.

Come on.

Ted!

Hurry! You've got to help me.
My boat is sinking!
What?

My boat is sinking!
You have a boat?

Yes, I bought a boat last year
at a police auction.

I just got a call from a guy
down at the marina

If I don't get down there right
now, it's going to capsize.

Now come on!

Your boat is sinking.

That was good.

Come on, ted.

This is an incredible
opportunity.

We'll meet our soul mates,

Nail 'em
and never call 'em again.

All finished, gentlemen?

Congratulations.

You have just taken

Your very first step.

Gosh, thanks, ellen.

I sure hope this works.

I'm so done

With the single life--

All the games,
the meaningless sex.

You deserve more.

That is so true, ellen.

I really think I'm ready
to stop being a me,

And start being a we.

Hey, is there any way
I can let it be known

That I love cuddling?

Ah, of course you can.

That is so...

Oh.

Kind of hard to talk
about with ted here,

But I just want someone
who's not afraid

To hold me at night...

When the tears come.

Ellen, can you help
me find her?

Get out.

What?

I get 15 guys like you
every week.

Jerks who just want

To meet
vulnerable women,

Nail 'em
and never call 'em again.

Oh, my god, people do that?

Do you want to do this
the easy way or the hard way?

What's the hard way?

Security roughs me up
and tosses me out?

No, that's the easy way.

The hard way is that I stomp
the crap out of you myself.

Okay, ted, let's go.
Not you. You stay.

You're cute.

You're an architect.

Good career, and you didn't use
an obvious alias

On your application,
like your friend jack package.

It's pronounced pa-codge.

Get out of here!

You I can work with.

You give me three days,

And I will find the woman
you will marry.

Uh, no, thanks.

I don't need an algorithm

To meet women.

It's new york city, you know--
plenty of fish in the sea.

Plenty of fish in the sea.

Yes, there's nine million people
in new york,

4.5 million women.

Of course, you want to meet
somebody roughly your own age.

Let's say, plus, minus,
five years.

So if we take into account
the most recent census data,

That leaves us

With 482,000.

But, uh, wait...

48% of those

Are already in relationships,

And then you have to eliminate
half for intelligence,

Sense of humor
and compatibility,

And then you
have to take out

The ex-girlfriends
and the relatives,

And, oh, we can't forget
those lesbians.

And then

That leaves us with eight women.

That can't be right.
Eight?

There are eight fish
in that big blue ocean, ted.

And if you feel confident
that you could reel one in

To your boat without me,
there's the door.

Do you take credit cards?

Okay, it's back.

And this time we got
a good look.

Hey, seriously,
you have to stop doing that.

It's bigger now.

It's been feeding.

We were just upstairs
watching tv.

Oh, gosh.

Okay, let's do this.

Shh, shh, shh.

It's okay. It's over.

Oh, god!

So did you get
a good look at it?

Yeah. It has six legs, a hard
exoskeleton, like a roach.

But it had mouse-like
characteristics.

Grey-brown tufts of fur, a tail.

So which is it:
A cockroach or a mouse?

It's a cock-a-mouse.

It's some sort of mutant
combination of the two.

It's as if a cockroach
and a mouse, you know...

Did the horizontal,
ten-legged, interspecies
cha-cha?

That's impossible.

That simply can't happen.

Oh, but it can.

And it has.
And it's pissed.

Dude, is everything okay?
You left the front door open.

There was no time.

So, love solutions?

Did you meet the love
of your life?

She said it'd take three days.
It's been five days.

Should I be worried?

Oh, just play it cool.

Don't ted out about it.

Did you just use my name
as a verb?

Oh, yeah.

We do that behind
your back.

"Ted out:"

To overthink.

Also see "ted up."

"Ted up:" to overthink

Something with
disastrous results.

Sample sentence: Billy
tedded up when he tried...

Okay, I get it.

Don't worry.

I'm not going
to ted anything up. Or out.

I should give it
a few more days.

Hi, ellen. Remember me?
I'm ted.

Ted, hi.

I, uh, meant to call you.

The computer is still
crunching the numbers.

Busy as a bee, that
little computer.

You said it was going
to be three days.

Did I?
Hmm.

Three days? Really?

Yeah, and when someone says
you're going to meet

The perfect woman in three days,

You kind of put that
in your date book, so...

How do I say this?

This is going to be
really hard.

There are absolutely
no women out there for you.

Phew, actually, I got
through that okay.

There are no women
out there for me?

I thought you said
there were eight.

I know. There are
supposed to be.

I don't know where
they are.

But... I'm an architect.

And you said I'm cute.

I'm a cute architect.

How do you think I feel?

I have a 100% success rate.

That's my hook.

I could maybe find

Somebody for you
if you were gay.

Well, I'm not.
A little bi maybe?

No!

You're messing with me, right?

Come see for yourself.

I cannot set you up

Unless you have
a compatibility rating

Of 7.0 or higher.

And look: 5.4, 4.8, 5.6.

There's a 9.6 right there.

Don't touch the computer.

Yes, sarah o'brien.

I fixed her up six months ago.

She would have been absolutely
perfect for you.

Well, what about the guy
you set her up with?

Is he a 9.6
compatibility rating?

8.5.

So he sucks.

No, 8.5 is an extremely good
match-up quotient.

Oh, sure, it's good.
It's solid, but a 9.6?

9.6 is off the charts,
but sarah is matched up.

Ted, look, I have a lunch.

Please, I
promise we will

Find you somebody.
Don't lose hope.

There are new women
turning 18 every day.

It's a whole
new species--

The cock-a-mouse.

And it's the size
of a potato.

So what, now it's a
cock-a-potato-mouse?

Don't make it
sound ridiculous.

It's a cock-a-mouse.

My god, this is incredible.
We're like the same person.

Sarah o'brien loves brunch.
She wants to have two children.

Her guilty pleasure song

Is "summer breeze"
by seals and crofts.

Wow, ted, sounds like
you're her perfect woman.

And like
the majestic seahorse,

It's hermaphroditic.

Obviously the whole thing
is shrouded in mystery.

For as much as we know
about the cock-a-mouse,

There's still so much
we don't know.

Well, we know that there's no
such thing as the cock-a-mouse.

What we don't know is what
you guys have been smoking.

So you really don't believe
in the cock-a-mouse?

Well, I believe that you saw
something perfectly normal,

But you've exaggerated it
in your mind, you know?

Like the loch ness monster.

If by "like
the loch ness monster,"

You mean totally exists
and is awesome, then yeah,

It's like the
loch ness monster.

Its diet is not unlike our own--

Grains, cereals-- and
it's awfully fond of cheese.

Okay, this is getting weird.

The similarities go on and on.

She hates phonies.

I totally hate phonies, too.

She's a dermatologist.

I have skin.

You want to be
her boyfriend.

She already
has a boyfriend.

It's uncanny.

All right.

But it wouldn't hurt
to check her out, right?

See what my 9.6
looks like in person?

As, you know, a
frame of reference.

And if she thinks she
can do 11.45% better,

Who am I
to deny her that?

That's right.

Hi.

Hi. I'm dr. O'brien.

I'm architect mosby.

Sorry, I just wanted
to say my job, too.

Hi, I'm ted.
Hi.

Right, I, uh, I have
a kind of mole on my back.

It's probably nothing,

But I'm a cautious guy.

I'm exactly the same.

♪ summer breeze
makes me feel fine ♪

♪ blowing through the jasmine
in my mind ♪

Sorry about that.

"summer breeze" is
my guilty pleasure song.

It's been stuck in my head

Ever since I heard it
this weekend... At brunch.

I love brunch.

It's the best.

As long as I don't
have to spend it

With a bunch of phonies.

I like the way you think,
architect mosby.

Hey, this may
sound weird,

But it'll definitely sound
more weird once my shirt's off.

So I'm going to ask you now.

Do you want to have dinner
with me Saturday night?

That's very sweet,

But I'm actually getting married
on Saturday.

Friday night?

Wow. You're
getting married.

Congratulations.
Thank you.

I'm really sorry
I asked you out.

It just felt like there could be

This weird connection
between us.

How crazy am I coming off here?

Only a little.

Well...

If by some million-
to-one long shot

And I'm not
rooting for this--

You wind up not getting married
this weekend,

Give me a call.

Okay.

But it's not likely.

I look damn good in my dress.

I'm sure you do.

Wow, that's a pretty
sophisticated trap.

You think the roadrunner's
going to fall for it?

Okay, we get it.
You're skeptical.

But marshall and I,
we're believers.

We believe.

The universe is mysterious
and awesome.

You've got the bermuda triangle,
ghosts, bigfoot.

Bad maps, creaky houses,
hillbilly in a gorilla suit.

Aliens.

Oh, come on,
you've got to give me aliens.

Stonehenge, area 51,

There's alien crap
all over the place.

You can't be serious.

My friend,
you just poked the bear.

So my 9.6--

Beautiful, charming,
intelligent,

Engaged.

Oh, ted.

I'm so sorry.

Yeah, it was a long shot.

I told her to call me anyway
if she changes her mind,

But I don't know.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Let's not skip over this.

Raise your hand if earlier today
you hit on an engaged woman.

Come on, lily.
Don't hate the player.

Hate the game.

"on the night of July 2, 1947,

Conditions were clear
over roswell, new mexico..."

Oh, hey, ted, there's a message
on the machine for you.

Dr. O'brien.

What?

"when suddenly an array of..."

Ted, hi, this is dr. O'brien.

About today, listen, I really
need to talk to you.

Call me.
I'll be at the office all day.

The doctor will see you now.

I should totally
go down there, right?

Don't interfere.

Some guy is expecting to marry
this woman on Saturday.

Yeah, an 8.5 guy.

Look, if I was marrying
the wrong person

And the right person was
out there and knew it,

I'd want that person to come
down to my dermatology office

And tell me so.

In that scenario,

I'm not interfering,
I'm a happy ending.

Happy ending.

Look, I have
to go down there.

I don't know what's going
to happen when I get there,

But I've got to
give it a shot.

All right, see you later.

Happy hunting.

Wait, where
are you guys going?

Don't you want to stay
and see the cock-a-mouse?

Yeah, we're going to go
make some crop circles.

Oh, my god!

Holy crap buckets.
We got it.

What do we do with it?
Calm down.

I have a plan.

I told my friend
sudeep about it.

He wants to show it to the
columbia biology department.

But it has to be alive.

Wait, no, no!

They'll do lab
experiments on it.

That's so mean.

Shouldn't we just beat it
to death with a bat?

Hello again.

I would prefer to say this
to you in person.

Go ahead, sarah.

You can tell me anything.

You have
a basal cell carcinoma.

Anything else?

Your mole.

The biopsy came back.

It's not life-threatening,

But we should excise
the rest of it.

Wait, then you're still
getting married?

Of course I'm still
getting married.

But we're a 9.6.

Excuse me?

Okay.

I went to love solutions,
and I saw

On ellen pierce's
computer,

That you and I are a 9.6.

Your fiancé is only

An 8.5.

You looked at my file?

I had to.
You're my only match.

Aren't you even
a little curious?

The woman who set you up
with your fiancé

Thinks we're a better match.

I am getting married
on Saturday.

♪summer breeze...
Ted.

Look, don't you think
you're being a little impulsive

Marrying a guy you just met
a few months ago?

Don't you think
it's a little impulsive for you

To proposition an engaged woman
you don't even know?

See?
We're both impulsive.

We're perfect for each other.

Ted, just calm down.

Calm down?!
You're my only match.

God, there was a computer

And there were eight fish
in a sea full of lesbians and...

Okay, ted, ted.

Do you honestly believe,
deep down,

That there is no one else
out there for you

Just because some computer
says so?

I didn't used to.

But there was math.
I got confused.

Love isn't a science.

You can't calculate
a feeling.

When you fall in
love with someone,

An 8.5 equals a perfect ten.

You're right.

If this thing is
what you say it is,

It could be huge for my career.

Brace yourself, dude.

This is going to
blow your mind hole.

You bastard.

I actually got excited
about this.

What?

It's empty.

Wait, but if
it's not here,

That means...

Lily.

Robin!

What?

Oh, my god.
It's real.

No, is it?

Do something.

What the hell was that?
You trying to get it drunk?

It was the only thing
I could think of.

Lily!
Thank god.

Lily, I love you.

Robin, open up the window!

Open the window! Ah!

It can fly.

Wow.
Wow.
Wow.

Be free, mutant beast.

I'll miss
this private war of ours.

I grew to admire
your tenacious...

Holy mother of god,
it's headed this way!

Hi, ellen.

I think I want
my money back.

I'm a failure.

I'm all washed up.

I tried everything, ted.

I widened the search parameters.

I tweaked the program.

Last night I stood out
on the street for five hours

Showing your photo to random
pedestrians. No takers.

Although
this transvestite hooker

Said he/she would do you
for half price

Because you kind of look like
john cusack

And his/her favorite movie
was say anything.

Come on, ellen.
I mean, a pint of ice cream,

Isn't that a bit cliché?

It's for the bourbon.

This isn't hopeless.

You're going to find
someone for me.

No, I won't.

You're going to die alone.

I'm not going to die alone.

Look at me.
I'm bright, I'm attractive.

You just got to get back
out there and keep looking.

No, you're never going
to find anybody.

And every year
you're just getting older

And it's getting
harder and harder.

You're being ridiculous.

I'm going to be up on that wall
one of these days.

No, you won't!

Yes, I will!

How do you know?

I don't know, but I believe.

Hell, if a cockroach and a mouse

Can find love
in this crazy city,

Then, damn it, so can I.

You're losing me.

The point is, something good's
going to happen to me.

Maybe your computer will help,

Maybe it won't,
but it'll happen.

So I should keep looking?

Of course you should.

And now, you're going
to do it for free.