How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 4 - Return of the Shirt - full transcript

Ted:
Kids, when you're single

All you're looking for
is happily ever after.

But only one of your stories
can end that way.

The rest end
with someone getting hurt.

This is one of those stories,
and it starts with a shirt.

A shirt?

Ted:
Just listen,

Because none
of this would have happened

If it hadn't been
for that shirt.

Whoa.

Nice shirt.

Right? Right?

Look at those colors.

Green and brown,
together at last.

Hot top, bro!
Is it new?

That's the crazy part.

I've had this shirt
for, like, six years.

Until this morning,
I wasn't into it at all,

But now, it's like
my tastes have changed.

Booger.

Yes, hello, barney.

Robin:
Barney's offered me

50 bucks to say some stupid word
on a live news report.

Not some stupid word. "booger."

But I'm not doing it.

I am a journalist.

What?! Journalist?!

You do the little fluff pieces
at the end of the news.

Old people. Babies. Monkeys.

That's not journalism.

That's just...
Things in a diaper.

For your information, my boss
is about to bump me up to...

The city hall beat.

City hall? Miss thing.

So I'm not going
to jeopardize my promotion

By saying "booger" for 50 bucks.

Of course not.

'Cause now
you're saying "nipple,"

And it's a hundred.

Step into my web.

Mmm!

Whose bourbon is this?

Ooh, I don't know.
It was here when we sat down.

Gahhh...

The point is...

I seem to like bourbon now.

I could've sworn
I hated bourbon.

First the shirt, now bourbon.

I spent 27 years making up
my mind about things, right?

The movie I saw once and hated;

The city I'll never go back to

'cause it was raining
the day I visited.

Maybe it's time to start
forming some second impressions.

You're finally gonna
watch goonies again?

"Sloth love chunk."

Not goonies. Girls.

What if there's
someone from my past

Who I thought was wrong
for me at the time,

When in fact she,
like this shirt,

Is actually a perfect fit?

Hold up.
There are only two reasons

To ever date a girl
you've already dated:

Breast... Implants.

You know, this isn't a bad idea.

Let's think...

Ted's greatest hits.

What about that girl steph?

Steph...

Okay, this is difficult to say:

Back when I lived

In I.A., I was pretty broke,

So I spent a month
making adult films.

Wow. Okay...

How... How many did you make?

175.

Say what you will
about the porn industry,

They're hard workers.

What about that
chick, um... Jackie?

And my bathing suit

Had fallen completely off.

( Both laughing )

I know the feeling.
Once,

When I was 16, I was driving,

And I hit this hitchhiker.

Don't know what

Happened to him...
just kept driving.

( Iaughing )

Uh... No.

What about natalie?

All:
Natalie...

Who's natalie?

Natalie.

I had so many
fond memories of her:

The tea candles on her dresser,

The sock monkey collection
on her bed,

That one belle & sebastian
song she always listened to,

Her smile...

Man, I haven't seen her
in, like, three years.

Well, why'd you guys break up?

I just wasn't looking for
a big commitment at the time.

Of course, now a big commitment
doesn't seem so bad.

Maybe I should call her.

What do you guys think?

You dumped a porn star?

Friendship over.

Friendship over!

( Knocking at door )

Come in!
All right,

Get back to me, then.

You wanted to see me, mr. Adams.

Yes, I did.

I need you to cover a story.

It's down at city hall.

City hall?

Oh, my god.

( Exhilarated sigh )

So, next time you're
passing city hall,

Make sure and stop by new
york's oldest hot dog cart.

Today, a delicious hot
dog will cost you $2.50.

But, back when the stand
first opened, in 1955,

You could get one
for only a nipple.

Reporting live, robin trubotsky,

Metro news 1.

I said "nipple" on the news.

That was so unprofessional!

I said "nipple" on the news!

At least it's
better than "booger."

( laughs )

Booger.

( Knocking) there she is.

Hey, is it cold in here?

'Cause I can kinda see
robin's nickels.

( Chuckling )

Now, for your next challenge...

There is not going
to be another challenge.

I don't care how much
you offer me.

Oh, search your soul, robin.

You and I both know
this wasn't about the money.

Sure, metro news 1
pays you jack,

And, hey, a little
green salad on the side

Is good for you, me,
and mr. Mcgee.

Seriously, who talks like that?

What baby really likes

Is the thrill
of pulling one over

On those bean counters
who underappreciate you,

And still haven't promoted you,

And so, for two
more hundie sticks,

Baby's going to look in
the camera and say this.

Eww!

I'm just assuming.

I gotta go back to work.

See ya.
Bye.

Baby's gonna think about it.

( Clicks tongue )

Found it!

I found natalie's number.

Hey, ted! Nice shirt!

Is it yesterday already?

I am calling her.

This is crazy.

I haven't talked to her
in, like, three years.

Wonder if she even remembers me.

( Phone ringing )

Hello.

Natalie.

It's ted mosby.

Go to hell.

She remembers me.

Why would natalie

Hang up on you?
I don't know.

Did you sleep with her sister?

No.

Did you sleep with her mom?

No.

I'm losing interest
in your story.

Well, you must
have done something.

Why did you guys break up?

He wasn't ready
for a commitment.

Uh-huh.

And her birthday
might've been coming up.

( Suspiciously ):
Uh-huh...

Okay, so I didn't want to get
a boyfriend-level gift

For a girl I was just about
to break up with.

So you dumped her
right before her birthday?

No, I didn't dump her
right before her birthday.

Uh-oh.

Natalie! Hey.

Happy birthday.

Listen...

( in rhythm):
Never break up with a girl

On her birthday!

Lily, please! The shirt!

I know!

It was a mistake!

Well, did she cry her eyes out?

I don't know.

How do you not...?!

Oh, you didn't.

Natalie! Hey, happy birthday.

Listen...

You're awesome.

You really are.

Awesome.

I'm just like super-busy
right now, so...

Maybe we should just...
Call it a day.

But you're awesome.

On her answering machine!?

Lily, come on.
And on her birthday?!

Oh, who breaks up with somebody

On their answering machine
on their birthday?!

Yeah, dude. E-mail.

Not exactly the point
I was trying to make, marshall.

That is a terrible way
to break up with someone.

Okay, in my client's defense,

Is there an unterrible

Way to break up
with somebody? No.

Personally, I'd rather hear the
bad news on an answering machine

Than face
the humiliation in person.

It's the least painful
way you can do it.

Who are you calling?

Hi, marshall. It's lily.

We're not gonna have sex
for at least a month,

But you're awesome.

Okay, bye-bye.

No, that was

A big mistake, ted.

You should've done it in person.

Thank you.

Desperate, please-don't-leave-me
sex is amazing.

Okay, it was childish
and stupid.

I just... I didn't want
to see her cry.

Well, guess what? She cried.

You just didn't have the sack
to face those tears.

That was me then, okay?

This is the new, old-shirt-
wearing, sack-having ted.

I'm gonna make this right.

You know what else?
"my younger sister

Just got married,
and I'm about to turn 30" sex.

Fantastic.

An occasion that
was supposed to be joyous

Suddenly turned tragic
when ethel and sadie margolis,

New york's oldest twins,

Suddenly passed away on this,

The eve of their 100th birthday.

I'm a dirty, dirty girl.

( Flatly ):
Ow.

Reporting live,
robin trubotsky, metro news 1.

Clear.

Joel adams wants
to see you in his office.

Before you say anything,

I just want to say I really like
working here at metro news 1.

That's great.
So, my dog keeps going

( throaty, high-pitched
growling )

What's...?
What?

You have dogs, right?

What do you think that means?

Take him to the vet?

( Sputters)

Genius.

That's one I owe you.

Was that all?

Yeah.

And nothing
about the twins story?

Oh, yeah, great job on that one.
New york loves you.

You're a superstar. Bye-bye.

That's when robin realized

No one, not even her boss,
watched metro news 1.

( doorbell ringing )

Hi.

( Knocking )

Natalie! Come on!

I just want to say I'm sorry.

I only came down here 'cause
you wouldn't take my call.

Hey, here's an idea...

Why don't you leave a message?

( Forced laugh)

Good one.

Okay, fine, I'm just going
to leave this sock monkey here.

Good-bye.

( Shrieks)
natalie... Okay! Okay!

Look, look, look.
I know you're mad, but...

Happy birthday.

Three years ago.

Oh, yeah?
Up yours three years ago.

Look, look, I was an idiot
leaving that message.

I realize how much that sucked.

No, you don't.

Maybe we should
just call it a day.

But you're awesome.

Okay, bye.

( Weakly ):
Surprise.

There was a surprise party
that night?

How come nobody told me?

People think I can't keep
a secret, but I totally can.

Sorry, not the issue.

Look, natalie, I was just
a stupid kid back then,

Terrified of commitment.

And I suppose
you're suddenly ready

To get married and settle down.

Well, yeah, actually.

I'm a different guy now.

Give me another chance, huh?

You must think I have
absolutely no self-respect.

Come on, just a cup of coffee.

( High-pitched voice):
Please, natalie.

Give the guy a chance.

Self-respect is overrated.

( Acoustic pop song plays )

( sighs)

Wow.

Maybe it was the caffeine,
but you really

Brought your game up
to a whole new level.

Thanks.

I did just start
subscribing to esquire.

They have some helpful columns.

The following is from
the October issue.

So natalie and I
started dating again.

And just like that,
it all came back.

The tea candles...

The sock monkeys...

Belle and sebastian, all of it.

It seemed like happily ever
after wasn't far off.

Well, I better run.

I have my krav maga class
in half an hour.

Krav maga. How cool is it
that she does krav maga?

Thanks, honey.

Mmm!

Bye, guys.

Bye.
Bye.
Take it easy.

Dude, what's krav maga?

I have no idea.
Some kind of yoga?

You know, that natalie,
she's good times.

Yeah, she's, like, the best
girl you've dated in years.

Yeah, ted, hold on to that one.

Yeah.
I have to break up with her.

I don't get it, man.
Natalie's awesome.

I know, she's terrific,
but I have to break up with her.

( In rhythm):
Why couldn't you leave
that poor girl alone?

I know. I hate this.

These past three weeks
have been great.

I should be in love with her,
but I'm not feeling that thing.

It's ineffable.

Ineffable.

Good word.

So when are you going to do it?

She's probably on
the subway by now.

You could call her voice mail:

Beep! "dumped."
click. Done.

No, I have to do this
face-to-face.

I just, I don't know
what I'm going to say.

"I'm not ready
for a commitment."

Oh, that's such a cliché.

It's not a cliché,
it's a classic.

It's the "stairway to heaven"
of breakup lines.

Well, I think natalie
deserves better.

Better. There's no "better"
in breaking up.

There's only "less awful."

A cliché is a cliché
for a reason.

It's comforting.

I already told her I am ready
for a commitment, so...

Oh, my god.
There's no way out.

I'm gonna have to marry her.

No, no, we're gonna
get you out of this.

Okay, how about...
"it's not you, it's me"?

Mm, mm, six words...

"you look fat
in those jeans."

You're free to go.

Ted, have you considered
telling her the truth?

( Iaughing )

Seriously, honey,
men are working here.

Ted, what is the truth?

Why do you want
to break up with her?

The truth?
She's not the one.

So tell her that.

Oh, you can't tell her that.
That's horrible.

Why? What is so
horrible about that?

Yeah, what is so
horrible about that?

She's not the one.

Why is that such
a heartbreaking thing to hear?

The chances of one person being
another person's "the one"

Are like six billion to one.

Yeah, you have better chances
of winning the lottery.

Exactly!
You wouldn't take it personally

If you lost the lottery.

All right, man,
tell her the truth.

She's gonna cry.

Yeah, and he's gonna sit there

And he's gonna
take it like a man.

I have to do the mature thing.

Want to talk mature?

I just wrapped up
a live newscast

By honking my own boobs.

And great tv was had by all.

All right, trubotsky,
new challenge,

And this one's big.

But so is the cash reward.

For $1,000...

You heard me...
all you have to do

Is get up there on the news

And do one of these.

What the hell is that?

Ted, lily, marshall:
The ickey shuffle.

And as you do it, you say this:

"elbert ickey woods,

"the bengals were fools
to cut you in '91.

"Your 1,525 rushing yards

"and your 27 touchdowns
will not be forgotten.

So coach dave shula, screw you
and your crappy steakhouse."

Just write it down for me.

What do I care?
It's not like

Anyone's watching,
anyway, right?

Man, she's gonna cry.

It's the law of love, chunk.

Thanks, lil.

So, the next night, I took
natalie out to dinner...

Look, uh, natalie, there's
something I have to say.

Oh, wait, wait.

There's something
I have to say first.

Today, at work,
I had not one, not two,

But three birthday cakes.

So tonight, can we
just skip the cake?

Today's your birthday?

Yeah. No, it's okay, I wasn't
telling anyone about it.

Today's your birthday!

I...

I didn't get you anything.

Oh, it's okay.

You know, you've already given
me the best present of all.

I can trust again.

You're welcome.

Oh, sir, much more wine.

Henry, as new york's
oldest hansom cab driver,

You've seen quite a lot.

In your past
60 years on the job,

What is your most
exciting memory?

Well...

Ah, this is it.

Oh, boy, here we go.

Everyone, everyone,

If I may direct your attention
to the television.

You are about to see
something amazing.

And then, in '72,

Mickey mantle rode my cab

For the fourth time.

Come on, baby.
Bring it home.

But the most exciting moment...

That would have to be
this one, right now.

What?

Look at me.
I'm on tv.

I never thought I'd
have my story told.

Thank you, miss robin trubotsky.

Thank you.

And right then,
aunt robin realized

How important her job truly was.

It's an honor
to tell your
story, henry.

You know, metro news one

May not be number
one in viewership,

But this reporter
takes pride in...

Whoa! Oh...!

Oh, my god, I'm covered
in horse crap!

Oh, my... It's in my hair.

You planned that?

Ow, my knee! Ow!
No, marshall.

That was beyond
my wildest dreams.

So, if you ever come to alabama,

My mom throws
these huge crawfish boils,

And she's just dying
to meet you, by the way.

Look, natalie, there's
something I have to say,

And, uh, there's
no good way to say it.

I want to break up.

I don't think
you're the one for me.

I don't want to waste your time,

Because I really like you.

I want to do right by you,

And I think the best way for me
to do that is just to be honest.

I'm sorry.

Oh, god, just let it out.

They're only tears.

Aah!

I'm not the one for you?!

I'm sorry, I just...

I-I-I thought the mature
thing to do...

It's my birthday!

Yes, I know.
I didn't realize...

It's my birthday,

And you're telling me
I'm not the one for you?!

It's really not such a big deal.

I mean, the odds...
it's like you lost the lottery.

Oh, so dating you is like
winning the lottery?!

No, no, no, no,
I didn't mean that.

Okay, so what's the problem?!

I... I... I can't explain it.

Try!

It's... Ineffable.

I'm not eff able?

No, no, no, no. "ineffable."

"ineffable" means
it can't be explained.

Oh, so I'm stupid?

Oh, god, what's going on?

Okay, what's going on
is you broke my heart

Over my answering machine

On my birthday,

Waited three years
for me to get over you,

Tracked me down, begged me
to go out with you again,

Only so you could dump me

Three weeks later,
again, on my birthday!

No, it's-it's-it's not
like that.

I'm just... It's-it's-it's...

What?!

I'm just, like,
super busy right now.

Remember when natalie said...

I have my krav maga class
in half an hour.

Turns out krav maga
is not a kind of yoga.

It's a form
of guerrilla street fighting

Developed by the israeli army.

( grunts )

This is compliments

Of those two gentlemen
at the bar.

( Mockingly ):
My knee!

It's in my hair!

But isn't it nice to know
people are watching?

Marshall:
Oh, my god.

Are you all right?

Lily:
What happened
to you?

I told the truth.

Turns out the truth has
a mean roundhouse kick.

Oh, man.

Oh, well, you did
the right thing.

I'm proud of you.

I'm bleeding internally.

Hey, ted, you know what always
picks me up when I'm down?

Other people's misfortune.

You missed something so amazing.

Please,
can we just have one person

In this whole bar
who didn't see it?

( Sighs):
Fine.

Are you okay?

I really thought I was doing it

The good way this time.

I guess there is no good way.

Sometimes,

No matter how hard you
try to do the right thing,

You just end up
flat on your back,

Flailing around in
a big pile of horse crap.

You saw it?

My phone gets the internet now.

( Chuckling)

It's okay...

And that's how
it ended with natalie.

No happily ever after,
just a whole lot of hurt.

And just like that,

All those wonderful memories
were replaced... By this one.

But, you know,
bad as that night was,

Within a year,
natalie was married.

And now she has
three beautiful children.

So that's the upside of hurt.

Sometimes it happens
for a reason.

Wow.

So you got beat up by a girl?

Is that all you're taking away
from this story?

You got beat up by a girl.

Hey, she knew krav maga.