How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 21 - Milk - full transcript

Kids, life is a dark road.

You never really know
what's up ahead.

One night you're cruising along
enjoying the ride,

And then all of a sudden,
you're 28.

And for the birthday boy,

Lasagna.
Thank you.

Careful.
The plate is very hot.

'kay.

Oh, go on, touch it.

Ah! Sweet damn,
that's a hot plate.

All right, so, barney,
are you doing this or what?

Oh, geez, barney,
don't do this.

I have to, it's my
birthday present to ted.

You don't have to.
Please, it's going
to be embarrassing

And we're going to have
to stop coming here,
which will suck...

In addition to probably
being kind of healthy.

Come on, marshall,

It's the greatest pickup line
of all time.

Barney.

Oy, gevalt.

Ah...

Happy birthday, ted.

Whoo-hoo!

Uh, excuse me, has
anyone ever told y...

Oh, my god.

What?
Oh!

Call an ambulance!

What's going on?

Try not to speak.
Here, sit down.

Just don't talk,
don't talk.

Is she okay?
I'm serious,
call 911.

What's wrong?
What's the matter?

Shh! Shh!
Just don't move.

Don't move.
Just try...

Here, have some water.
Water!

Here, drink this.

Shh! Shh!

You know, the more I watch this,

The less convinced I am

That it's the greatest
pickup line of all time.

Wait for it.

28.

Two more 'til
the big one, three-oh.

Actually, my 30th birthday
wasn't so bad.

Well, except for the goat
in my bathroom.

But I'll get to that later.

Still, you know,
another year older.

Still single.

You don't hear your
tedological clock ticking?

Nope. I hit
the snooze button.

And here come
the paramedics.

Oh, thank god, you're here.

What is going on?!

I think there might be
some internal bleeding.

Probably some fractures.

We got to get her
to the hospital.

What are you
talking about?

You've had
a terrible fall.

No, I haven't.

Really?
'cause I could swear

You fell straight
out of heaven.

Angel... Bing!

Give him your number.

What?

Give him your number.

What?
- Give him your number.

Come on,
you're embarrassing me.

Give him your number.

What are you...?
Come on.
Give him your number.

They're not going to stop
'til you give me your number.

Give him your number.
All right!

It works!

I cannot believe that
she gave him her number.

Maybe she really does
have a brain injury.

Thank you, everyone.

Thank you, everyone.
It's been fun.

It's wendy the waitress.
Tip her well.

Thanks a lot, guys.

Troilus and cressida.
Neighborhood playhouse.

Check them out,
they're good,
they're good.

I realize why
I'm still single.

I'm picky.
I'm not going to settle.

If I'm going to marry someone,
she has to be perfect.

Well, what's perfect?

It's not like
I have a list.
Oh, yes, you do.

Attractive,
college-educated,

She wants two kids--
a boy and a girl...

That's not hard.
I know at least...

I'm not done.
She likes dogs,

Otis redding,
does the crossword.

She's into sports,
but not so much so

That her legs are, like,
more muscular than mine.
That weirds me out.

And she plays bass guitar
like kim deal from the pixies.

Or kim gordon
from sonic youth.

Any kim from
any cool band, really.

Can't be too picky.

You're never going
to find this girl.

Exactly. So I'm just going
to wait for her to come to me.

I am done trying to plan
the unplannable.

So, what, you think fate's
just going to take care of it?

That's the plan.

And little did I know,
at that very moment,

Fate-- in the form of
a 600 gigahertz

Superprocessing computer--

Was taking care of it.

Whoa, you're up early.

Yeah, thought I'd whip up
some pancakes.

Does marshall know?

He's still sound asleep.

Awesome.

So awesome.

God! Best girl ever.

Screw these pancakes,

I should cover you in syrup
and gobble you up.

Please don't do that.

Hey, is this milk any good?

Oh, yeah, that totally
got me yesterday.

God, why didn't
you throw it away?

I'm going shopping
after work.

I'll pick up some milk.

Oh...!

These pancakes
are delightful.

What's wrong, baby?

This is the high point
of my day.

It was true.

See, marshall had always
dreamed

Of using his law degree
to protect the environment.

But he needed money
for the wedding,

So he'd been interning for two
months at barney's firm...

And he hated
every minute of it.

Hey, barney,
I had some questions

About filling out
these requisition forms.

Binoculars.

Second pair on my desk.

I don't have time
to be creepy, dude.

I have a lot of work to do.

Just take a look, will ya?

Okay, corner office.
Top floor.

Check out that guy.

Name's clark butterfield.

He works over at
nicholson, hewitt and west

And every morning,
he orders a sandwich

From the deli downstairs.

So?

So guess what I did
to that sandwich?

Here, I took a picture.

Oh! Sweet lord.

And now I'm e-mailing
said picture to him.

Ooh! Duck!

That is sick!

Why would you do that?

Who knows?
This feud goes so far back

I can't remember who
fired the first shot.
You?

Totally.

Well, look,
if you would just...

Help me fill out these forms,
that would be great.

What?

Butterfield is going
to retaliate

Within the next four hours.

That's been his pattern.

This is war, eriksen.

I need you to clear
your schedule,

Call lily,
tell her you'll be home late.

This is stupid.

Stu...
Come on, man,

I didn't recruit you to work
here for your lawyering skills.

I recruited you to be my
executive mischief consultant.

This is a job
for me, barney.

It's a way to make
some extra wedding
money, and that's it.

Now I'm sorry,
but I have work to do.

Tracy, could you
come in here, please?

Would you please inform
mr. Eriksen

That I'm no longer
speaking to him.

Mr. Eriksen, mr. Stinson

Is no longer...
I get it.
Thank you, tracy.

Hello?

Hello. May I speak with
a mr. Ted mosby?

Speaking.

Mr. Mosby, how you doing, sir?

Bob rorschach over here
at love solutions.

You signed up for our services
about six months ago.

Uh, yeah.

You guys never found me a match.

Right. Well...

Actually, that's why
I'm calling.

We found her, sir.

We found your soul mate.

I don't understand.
What happened to ellen pierce?

Doesn't she run this place?

Well, my firm bought
out the company.

You know, we're a high-end
meats and textiles conglomerate,

But the geniuses

At corporate decided
they wanted to diversify, so...

Here I am.

So I'm in good hands.

You found me a match?

There she is.

Your soul mate.

That'll be 500 bucks.

No way.
The last time I did this,

The girl turned out
to be engaged.

She's not engaged.

She's your soul mate.

Just read the file.

So I read the file.

And by god,
this woman was perfect.

She liked dogs, she spent
her summers in north carolina,

She played bass guitar,
she did the times crossword,

She played tennis,
she liked old movies,

Her favorite food was lasagna,
her favorite book was

Her favorite singer
was otis redding

And she wanted two kids--
a boy and a girl.

All right, fine.

Set it up.

You wanted to see me,

So I guess that means
we're talking again?

Will you taste this latte
for me?

I think they gave me decaf.

Tastes normal to me.

That's what I thought, too.

Then I got this e-mail
from butterfield.

Oh, god!

It got me as well.

Well, then why did you
have me drink it?!

Because now...

You're in.

Okay.

Don't think
I'm overlooking

The obvious fact that I
should just be mad at you.

But executive mischief
consultant marshall eriksen

Reporting for duty.

Let's make that bastard pay.

You think that we should
brush our teeth first?

Yeah, it's probably
a good idea.

So that night
I had a blind date

With my perfect match.

I was so excited,
I got there early.

But before it even started...

Lily?

Hey, ted, are you busy?

Um... Yes.

Oh, right. Soul mate.
Forgot.

Listen, could you take a cab
out to duchess county

And change a flat
on marshall's fiero?

What? No.

Can't you just call marshall?

Marshall can't know about this.

Look, ted, it's dark,

I don't know how
to change a tire,

And I've stumbled into
the beginning

Of a very scary campfire story.

Can you please hurry?

I can't, I'm waiting...

Oh, my god, is that a drifter

With a hook for a hand?

No, drifter, no!

Come on, lily.

But you see my point.

All right, stay there.

I'm on my way.

And, so,
one $90 cab ride later,

Oh, thank god.

I'm so sorry
about this.

Did you get ahold
of your date?

Yes.
And was she okay

About pushing it back?
Yes.

Because she's perfect.
So what am I doing here?

You can never
tell marshall.

Swear. Swear on the lives
of your unborn boy and girl.

I swear on luke and leia.

About a month ago,
I started getting insomnia.

Marrying marshall had been
all I wanted for a long time.

But, now that
it was really happening,

It seemed kind of huge
and scary.

Did you talk to marshall
about it?

He wouldn't have understood.

He's not exactly nervous
about tying the knot.

So I spent my nights reading,
painting,

Setting the high score
on super bomber man...

That was you? Awesome!

I know!
I just got in the zone and...

Not the point of the story.

And then I started thinking
about victoria

And how she followed her dream
to germany,

And I found
this art fellowship.

Let me guess.
It's somewhere far away.

San francisco.

But it's not like
I'm going to do it.

The dates conflict
with the wedding.

But I love painting,

And I've always wondered
if I'm any good.

This was a way to find out.

And the interview is tonight.

In new haven.

You don't want
to get married.

Of course I want to get married.

I... It's not like
I was ever going to do it.

I just... I just really wanted
to see if I could get this.

Lily, we live
in the center

Of art and culture
in america.

I'm sure you could
find a program here

That's just as selective.

But you chose one in a
city 3,000 miles away,

And you didn't
tell marshall.

I think it's pretty
clear what that means.

Okay, I was...
I was having second thoughts.

Oh, man!

But I'm not anymore.

I... I mean,
this flat tire was a sign.

I'm not supposed to do this.

I'm supposed to go home
and-and be with marshall.

You must think I'm so stupid.

I don't think
you're stupid.

I love marshall.

I know you do.
Come here.

It's okay. Look...

Marriage is big.

You're allowed
to freak out.

But why am I the only one?

How come marshall
isn't doing anything crazy?

So all we need is one
large shipping box
and 100 white mice.

All done.

Ted, let's go to new haven.

Lily, don't do this to yourself.

I just need to know
if I can get in.

If I do this interview,
and get into the program,

Then I'll know, and I can forget
all about it, and get married.

Come on!

It's an adventure.

No, it's not
an adventure.

It's a mistake.

Okay, yes, it's a mistake.

I know it's a mistake.

But there are
certain things in life

Where you know it's a mistake

But you don't really
know it's a mistake

Because the only way
to really know it's a mistake

Is to make the mistake,
and look back, and say, "yep.

That was a mistake."

So, really, the bigger mistake

Would be
to not make the mistake,

Because then
you go your whole life

Not really knowing if something
is a mistake or not.

And, damn it,
I've made no mistakes!

I've done all of this--
my life, my relationship,

My career-- mistake-free.

Does any of this
make sense to you?

I don't know. You
said "mistake" a lot.

Lily, don't do this.

Ted, I'm getting married
in two months,

And I'm freaking out,
and you're my best friend,

And you just have
to forgive me for this.

Forgive you for what?

Lily. Lily!

Hey, lily, this is ted,

The guy you left stranded
by the side of the road.

I just wanted to say
good luck with the interview,

Remember to pick up some milk...

Oh, and, when I get home,

I'm going to kill you.

And, also, I texted you
the same thing.

Hey, I need a big favor.

Anything, bro.

I need you to come up to
duchess county and pick me up.

No.

It's kind of an emergency.

What are you doing
in duchess county?

Apple picking.

Can you just get up here?

I wish I could help, buddy,
but I'm stuck here at work.

We're kind of swamped.

Is that ted?

Yeah. He's stuck
in duchess county.

Don't you have
a big date tonight?

Uh... Marshall. Hi.
Yes. Yes, I do.

So what are you doing
in duchess county?

Can't a brother go apple picking

Without getting
the third degree? Damn!

Okay, well, hang on.
I'm coming to get you.

Relax, man.
I'll take the fiero.

No, no, no. Just...
Forget it.

Ha, ha! A little prank.

I'm not in duchess county.

So that's the prank?

That you're not
in duchess county?

Yep. Gotcha! Classic!

Gotta go.

Hey, check out
this one.

It actually looks
like butterfield.

You know, over at the nrdc,

It's a bunch
of really committed people

Who take their job
of saving the earth

Very, very seriously.

Which is great,
and everything,

But I can't imagine having
this much fun over there.

You thinking about coming
to work here full-time?

Maybe.

Don't tell lily, okay?

Taking off for the night.

Thanks, tracy.

Are you guys planning on
punching some holes in that box?

Of course we are.

Were you going
to think of that?
No.

That would have been bad.
Horrible. Ooh!

Luckily, there was still
one person I could call

To get a ride home.

Need a ride, cowboy?

Sorry. I don't get in vans
with strangers.

Hmm, too bad.
I got candy.

Candy?!

So you're not going to tell
me what you were doing

By the side of a highway
in duchess county?

Nope.
Sworn to secrecy.

Oh, come on.

I like your hat.

Right. This is embarrassing.

I got highlights.

Oh, for the waiting room
of your dental practice?

Highlights
is a children's magazine.

Yeah, I got it.

I thought it might look cool.

Of course my colorist took
"highlights" to mean,

"I want to look like a tiger,"
hence the hat.

Oh. I gotta see this.

No way.

Please.

I bet it doesn't look that bad.

I bet it looks grr-eat!

So, she says,
changing the subject.

Big date tonight.

How does she rate
on the mosby checklist?

Kind of amazingly.

Uh, she's 28, like me.

Wow, I'm 28.

Hmm. Uh...

College educated-- check.

Plays tennis-- check.

Uh, favorite book is love
in the time of cholera-- check.

I read that.

More like "love in the time
of don't bothera."

You know, it's very rude
to wear a hat indoors.

I'm just saying.

We're not indoors.
We're in a van.

Vans have doors--
let me see your hair.

Never. What else?

She loves lasagna.

Barf.

You know,
I am sensing a pattern here.

What else?

Let's see what else...

Oh, she doesn't look
like a tiger-- check.

Ah!

And she's looking to get
married and have kids?

Check and check.

She wants two kids--
a boy and a girl.

Wow.

You know,
I've been thinking about this.

I think I want to have
zero kids.

Really? You don't want kids?

You know, ted, not everyone
is as much of a woman as you.

Hey. I'm driving.

Look at that.

8:56. You're early.

Hey, thanks for picking me up.

Good luck on your date.

I hope she's everything
you're looking for.

Thanks.

All right, you've clearly had
a rough night.

I want you to
go in there

With a smile on your face, so,
uh, here's what I'm going to do.

You're going to show me
your hair?

Actually, I was going
to show you my breasts,

But... Sure, we can do hair.

You just made my night.

Go.

♪ oh, mother of pearl

♪ submarine lover
in a shrinking world ♪

♪ oh, lonely dreamer

♪ your choker provokes
a picture cameo ♪

♪ oh, mother of pearl

♪ so, so semi-precious
in your detached world ♪

♪ oh, mother of pearl

♪ I wouldn't trade you
for another girl ♪

♪ oh, mother of pearl

♪ I wouldn't trade you
for another girl ♪

♪ oh, mother of pearl

♪ I wouldn't trade you
for another girl... ♪

Tomorrow morning, barney's going
to send out the package,

And butterfield's going to be
knee-deep in angry white mice.

Oh, hey, dude.

Hey, guys.

Hi.

Hey.

So, lil, did you, uh,
get the milk?

Yeah.

Yeah, I-I got it.

You think you might want to...
Drink the milk?

No.

Nope, I'm good.

I don't need any milk.

Look, guys, I know
milk is important--

It's got vitamin a,
vitamin d,

It's a great way to
start the morning--

But ted just
had a huge date.

How'd it go, dude?

I didn't go.

What? Why?

I changed my mind.
I don't want to meet her.

Why? She sounds perfect.

I don't want perfect.

I want robin.

Oh, god, not this again.

Ted, it's a mistake.

Maybe.

But it's a mistake
I have to make.

Wrong. It's a mistake
you don't have to make.

Look at the evidence.

You and robin have tried
this again and again...

Here's the thing
about mistakes.

Sometimes, even when you know
something's a mistake,

You gotta make it anyway.

Ah, sweet damn
that's a hot plate.

Hey, is this milk any good?

Even really,
really dumb mistakes.