How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 20 - Best Prom Ever - full transcript

With her wedding day fast approaching, Lily, along with Barney and Robin, crashes a high school prom to scope out a potential band for the reception.

Ted:
Kids, about eight months

Into aunt lily and
uncle marshall's engagement,

There occurred
a game-changing emergency.

Van smoot is available.

Oh, my god!

Van smoot house
was a gorgeous mansion

It had everything marshall and
lily wanted for their wedding,

But it was never available.

And then, suddenly, it was.

There was a cancellation
two months from now.

You want to have our wedding
in two months?

No. It's impossible.

It's van smoot, lily.
It's the dream!

No, there's just
not enough time.

There's no way...

Oh! Mini-vomit.

I know that it's sudden,
but check it.

Guess who's on their way
with a deposit check.

Todd and valerie?

There's always one couple
with similar taste

That seems to be
one step ahead of you.

Todd and valerie
were that couple.

We got to make a decision.

Todd and valerie are in motion.

Van smoot!

Oh! Kids, color!

Come on, baby.

Come on, come on, come on.

( All scream )

Hello, marshall.

Lily.

Todd.

Valerie.

Stairs.

I can't believe it.

We got van smoot house.

It is on. It is on!

Like the former soviet
republic of azerbaijan.

What?
You're a wonder.

Wow! You guys are getting
married in two months.

How are you going
to get everything done?

Division of labor.

Everyone's got
a job to do,
so listen up.

Okay, robin, you and ted
go to the florist.

Robin had been mad at me
since the night

I slightly exaggerated my
not-having-a-girlfriend-ness.

Was it...?
It was your girlfriend.

You might want to call her back.

Or, actually,

Robin, why don't you
go to the florist?

And, ted,

I could use your keen

Architectural eye on...
On the invitations.

Wow. That was really
awkward, lil.

And still. It's still
really awkward right now.

Hey, what about me?
What's my job?

What do I get to do?

Okay, your job is very simple.

At the wedding, do not
sleep with anyone

Even remotely related to me.

( Chuckles)

Lil, you know
I can't promise that.

Shh. Shh.

Look how cute she looks.

All tuckered out.

( Whispering ):
Hey, babe.

Hey, little one.

Hey, lily pad.

Crap! Band!
We forgot a band!

It's just gonna be
silence and then people chewing.

Shh! Shh! Baby,
don't worry about it.

I called the 88!

Who?
The 88.

They're this awesome band.

They played my law review party.

They were found guilty.

On three counts of rocking.

I saw them two months ago

At my cousin bonzo's
wedding, they were great.

John "bonzo" bonham
from led zeppelin?

Yes, lily, my cousin,
the drummer from led zeppelin,

Who died in 1980,
got married two months ago.

Look, I... I can't sign off
on a band I've never even seen.

We... We don't even know
if they can play our song.

They're... They're going to have
to come over here and audition.

Baby, the 88 don't audition.

They're, like, the wiggles
of wedding bands.

Well, then... I have to say no.

Baby, they're only
holding the date until Monday.

Well... Well, are they
playing anywhere this weekend?

Let me check their website.

What?

A wee bit intense
about this band thing.

Intense? I have
a wedding to plan

In nine weeks for 200 people.

Even if a dinosaur

Should poke his head
out of my butt

And consume this coffee table,

I need you
to roll with it, okay?

Wow.

Guys!

I just tasted
an amazing caterer.

We already have a caterer.

Oh, right.
You're getting married.

You see what I did there?

It looks like the 88 are playing

At a high school prom
in new jersey tomorrow.

A prom?
Can... Can we go to that?

Call the high school,
they'll let us

Stand in the back and watch.

Yeah. No, they won't.
Why not?

'Cause it turns out
we're not in high school.

No sweat, we'll just sneak in.

We're not sneaking in
to a high school prom.

Yes, we are.
It's the only way.

You're getting on board

With barney's idea?

Man, you really have snapped.

It's nine weeks
till the wedding.

At this point, I'd say yes
to just about anything.

Well...
No, barney.

Ted:
And so aunt lily hatched a plan
to crash a prom.

I'll go with you.

Really?
Yeah.

I never got to go to my prom.

We always had field hockey
nationals in the spring.

( Coughs )

The cough is supposed
to cover the "lesbian."

No, I'm trying to start a thing

Where the cough is separate.

Do you think we
look young enough

To blend in at a high school?

Please, I'm ageless,

Scherbatsky just needs
a good night's sleep,

And you've got "statutory"
written all over your body.

Hey, why don't we all go?

I don't know... more people
might be harder to sneak in.

We don't want
to mess things up for lily.

Yeah, you're right.

Besides, marshall and I have
been planning

On having a guy's night out
before the wedding.

Why don't we just make it
tomorrow night?

Sounds awesome.

We should go out
and just get freakin' weird.

Yeah.

'Cause, you know, you be

A bad, bad man,
and I be an outlaw.

What?
( trilling
high-pitched noises )

Barney:
Wow.

Hey, thelma, louise,

Y'all don't drive off
no cliffs now, ya hear?

Lame!

But seriously,

Leave me a message,
and we'll meet up later.

All right, what do you think?

Horrible.

You're gonna make
such a great dad.

You look so classy and nice.

You're going to stick out
like a sore thumb.

Have you seen how the kids

Are dressing these days,
with the ashlee

And the lindsay and the paris?

They all dress like strippers.

It's go ho or go home.

Well, we have to get in.

I have to see this band,

'cause we have to make
a decision by Monday,

'cause I'm getting
married in 71 days,

And we still
don't have...
Shh.

Sweetie, just focus on
one thing at a time, okay?

Have to dress like
a whore and that's it.

All right.

That's the spirit.

Now, ladies, slut up!

( Chuckles)

I never thought
this would be a bad thing,

But my wardrobe

Just isn't slutty enough.

I didn't know I still had this.

What?

The dress I wore
to my actual prom.

Dude, you are the hottest girl
at this prom, and not like

In a corporate, plastic way.

Like, truly, truly hot.
Like a hot soul.

Aw, you look great,
too, scooter.

So big news.

I heard from umpire school.
I'm in!

Oh, disco!

I am so happy for you.

You mean happy for us,
right, babe?

Scooter, you're gonna
be an umpire someday.

No, baby.

We're gonna be
an umpire someday.

Cheese.
Cheese.

Nice.

You ladies look good,

But your outfits
are missing just one thing.

No, barney, this is as far
as we're going to go.

I'm not showing anymore...

Two beautiful flowers
for two beautiful flowers.

Aw. Sweet.

Thank you.

( Chuckles)

Oh, robin, are you tearing up?

No.

I've never been
to prom before, okay?

We got to go.

See ya.
Ted:
Bye, have fun.

See you.

Oh.

They grow up into skanks
so fast, don't they, ted?

So, what, we ready for tonight?

Yeah. Just one thing
we got to do first.

Shot of jim beam?
Yeah.

Yes!
And then I promised lily

That we'd stuff
200 wedding invitations.

What?!
I'm sorry, dude,

But you saw how
stressed out she is.

Come on! You've been doing
wedding stuff nonstop.

Take a break.

Once you're married,

If we go out and you get
so drunk you throw up,

It'll be sad, but if we do it
tonight... It'll be less sad.

Okay, it'll be cool...
I'll tell you what.

We'll make a game out of it.

First one to stuff a hundred
invitations gets a big prize.

Do I look like I'm four?

All right, what kind of prize
are we talking about?

Wow, a lot more security
than when we were kids.

Is this gonna work?

Yeah. Look, when I was 17,

I used to sneak into clubs
all the time.

It's all about confidence.

Follow me.

Whee-hoo!
Happy prom, everybody.

Going to prom...
whee-hoo!

Uh, you're adults.

Okay, bye.

Okay, look,
I just need to see the band.

I'm getting married
in two months, and...

( chuckling ):
And you're just finding a band?

( Grunts ) hey, ho, hey!

I'm sorry, ma'am.

You either need to be a student
or the date of a student.

( Sighs )

Wow. "ma'am"?

Check and mate.
It's cool.

Time to activate plan b.

Scherbatsky, how comfortable
are you with a crossbow?

Scherbatsky?

Hey, guys.

Do you want to take
two hot girls to prom?

We don't have that
kind of money.

For free.

Oh, hell yeah!

Great. I'm robin,
this is my friend, lily.

Hi. Shall we?

Sure.

I knew it would happen.

This is the dream.

Oh, hey, wait.
How's barney getting in?

Don't worry about me.
I'll get in.

Oh... I'll get in.

( Upbeat rock music playing )

We're in!

Thank you. We're going
to take a break.

Oh, you're kidding me.

Hey, uh, you ladies want
something to take the edge off?

Yeah, what the hell?
It's prom.

( Coughs )

That tastes like cough syrup.

Yeah, we couldn't
get any alcohol.

Um, our fake ids
say we're only 20.

We didn't realize it
till after we bought them.

Nerds who aren't good at math?

Life's going to be rough, boys.

Hi.

Excuse me.
I was wondering

If you guys could play
"good feeling"

By the violent femmes.

I know it's probably
not in your repertoire,

But I'm getting married
and my fiancé

Wants to hire
you guys as the band,

But I can't sign off on it
until I hear you play

"good feeling"
because that's our song,

And what kind of wedding
band would you be

If you couldn't play
our song, right? Right?

Look, I'm kinda
wasted right now,

So I didn't understand
any of that.

But, uh, if you get
us the sheet music,

We'll play your song.

So, you buzzing, baby?

My phlegm feels looser.

This is pathetic.

It's guys' night.

We should be out
in a bar getting in fights.

If I got in a fight,
would you have my back?

You know it.

I'd have your back, too.

That's cool.

( Iaughs )

What, you don't think
you'd need my help?

You don't know what I can do.

I'm like...
Like a berserker.

Okay, ted.
( phone rings)

Hello.

Hey, it's robin.

Um, lily needs you to download
the sheet music

For "good feeling" and bring it
out here, like, now.

Hang on.

It's robin.

She wants me to go to prom.

Can ted come?

Wait! Don't ask!
That's so lame!

I don't even want to go anyway.

Uh, I don't know.

Things have been
so weird between us.

What'd she say?
What'd she say?

He lied and told me he broke up
with his girlfriend

To try to hook up with me.

I mean, I know
he apologized for it,

But it's just, it's not easy
to forgive.

Look, if you absolutely must
bring ted, it's, it's not like

I'm going to claw
my own eyes out if he comes.

Okay, bye.

She totally wants you to come.

All right, sheet music's
on the way.

Are you okay?

There's just so much
to do for this wedding.

My head is swirling.

It's just all moving too fast.

How is it moving too fast?

We've been together
for two years.

I just... I just don't want
everything in my life

To be decided already.

I go to umpire school,
you go to college.

We move into my dad's house
in staten island.

We have kids,
we grow old together.

What's decided? It's wide open!

Scooter, when I go off to
college, that's the end for us.

You're, you're breaking up
with me?

There's still so much
I want to do.

I want to travel,
live overseas as an artist,

Maybe have
a lesbian relationship.

Plus, I think
I was just dating you

'cause you look a little bit
like kurt cobain.

I can't believe this.

I can change. I can look
more like kurt cobain.

Please, just don't leave me.

I'm nothing without you, baby.

Please don't put that kind
of pressure on me!

It's too much!

It's just one dance, god!

What?

Well, we did promise
them one dance.

Yeah, sure, okay.

♪ Say what you say,
made up my... ♪

So andrew, what's your big plan?

What's life going to be
like after tonight?

Well, you know
I got it all worked out.

Uh, leave this place in my dust,

Four awesome years at college,

And then I'll move to prague

Or start my own video game
company or something.

No, you won't.

I won't?

No, you won't accomplish
anything you set out to.

You'll get a girlfriend
the first day of college

And you'll give up
your independence

And you'll never live abroad

And you'll wind up old
before your time

Wondering "whatever happened
to my hopes and my dreams?"

Whoa. You really think
I'll get a girlfriend?

So, uh, what's the deal here?

Am I getting lucky tonight?

Oh, sean, look,
um, you're a nice guy,

But I just don't...

( vomits )

No, you're not
getting lucky tonight.

Barney:
Okay, just be cool.
Don't look at me.

Okay.

How'd you get in here?

What's it to you, giant turtle?

It's me, barney.

Oh, hey. Where's lily?

She's in the bathroom.

Wait here, I should
go talk to the band.

All right.
How did you guys
get in here?

We just snuck in the back.

You just snu... Are you serious?

Mm-hmm.
I've been trying
to get in here all night.

I finally paid
a janitor 200 bucks

To let me borrow this
mascot costume.

But you got in.
( sighs )

Slow and steady won the race.

Hey, bro,

Have you seen my fiancée lily?

Your fiancée?

Whoa, tonight
she's with me, bro.

Unless you're looking
for trouble.

Listen, little buddy,

I understand it's prom

And the adrenaline's
pumping, but...

No, not tonight.
I've waited too long for this.

I finally got a girl
and I'm not going

To let you take her
away from me.

Whoa, whoa.

Look, let's not
get carried away.

Yah! Nunchaku!

Oh!
Ted:
I'm coming, marshall.

I can't believe
I unloaded like that

On a high school senior.

I can't believe
a high school senior

Unloaded like that on me.

I'm going to ask you something

And, um, maybe it's crazy

'cause you guys
are the cutest couple ever,

But, um, are you having
second thoughts?

Yeah.

But not about marshall.
About me.

I just keep thinking

About the girl I was
ten years ago

And wondering
what happened to her.

I don't want to be tied down.

I want to live in France
and Spain and Italy

And just soak up life
and put it on a canvas,

Being a waitress in crappy
cafés for five years,

I don't care.

I'm going to be a painter.

And I can't do any of that
with a, with a boyfriend

Shackled around my neck,
you know?

But anyway, I'm blabbering.

Way to make new friends, lily.

I'm sorry. What was
your name again?

Marshall.

Nice to meet you, marshall.

Guess we're hallmates.

Yeah.

( "Good feeling" playing )

It works.

Violent femmes.
I love this song.

Me, too.

♪ Won't you stay with me
just a little... ♪

I didn't have any
of the experiences

I set out to.

The travel, the bohemian art
life, my big lesbian experience.

I didn't do any of it.

Lily, you're marrying
your best friend in the world.

I mean, isn't that worth

All the other
experiences combined?

And look, you can still travel,
I mean, you can still paint.

And as far
as your lesbian experience...

Happy?

Yeah.

So field hockey, huh?

Shut up.

Trespassing, assaulting a minor.

This mascot costume you stole

Cost $5,000.

We can have you guys
arrested, you know that?

Oh, come on... you're the one
who let in a kid with nunchakus.

You call yourself
security guards?

I was just defending
my boy here.

I totally could have
taken that kid.

Uh, yeah, and I totally
had your back, so...

Well, I don't need it,
but thanks.

Uh, yeah, you did,
and you're welcome.

No, the kid was totally, like,
a white belt and I'm gigantic.

Listen, guys, I'm sorry.

Please, I just need to get
in there for one more song.

Absolutely not.

You guys will thank me
for this later, okay?

Listen, don, ray,
can't we all...?

( Yelling ) hey!

You know, for a turtle,
he's surprisingly quick.

This one goes out to that
redhead girl and that tall guy.

♪ Good feeling,
won't you stay with me ♪

♪ Just a little longer?

♪ It always seems
like you're leaving ♪

♪ When I need you here
just a little longer ♪

( Robin chuckles)

So how was your first prom?

You tell me.

I hated my dress,

My date got wasted
and puked on me,

There was a huge fight

And I kissed a girl.

So, basically, it was a prom.

Okay, I've missed you.

Not in a we're-going-
to-make-out way,

Not even in
an I-forgive-you way.

Just in an
I've-missed-you way.

I'll take what I can get.

Barney:
And that, my friends,

Is why you don't
get your money's worth

When you wear jeans
to a strip club.

So you got to admit,
the 88 are rocking our song.

Yeah, it's good.

Band? Check.

Two months, baby.

Two months.

Two months.

♪ La, la, la-la-la-la

♪ la, la,
la-la-la-la. ♪