How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 17 - Life Among the Gorillas - full transcript

OLDER TED; When your Uncle Marshall
was 10 years old,

he read a book called
Life Among The Gorillas.

It was written by an anthropologist
named Dr, Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez,

and it told the story of the year she spent

living among the western lowland gorillas
of Cameroon,

When Dr, Birnholz-Vazquez

came to the local community college
to give a lecture,

Marshall, the youngest member
of the audience,

raised his hand with a question,

What advice do you have
for a budding anthropologist?

So, you want to be an anthropologist?

Yep. When I grow up, I want to go live
with the gorillas just like you did.

OLDER TED; What she said next
changed his life,

Oh, that's wonderful,
but I'm afraid you can't.

They'll all be dead by then.

And if economic sanctions
and trade restrictions aren't enforced,

the destruction of the rainforests
will continue,

and over a million species
will be wiped out.

So you don't want coffee?

I'm saying that the coffee industry
is causing irreversible...

- All right, I'm pouring it out.
- Okay, one cup.

Kid needs to be alert.
First day on the job and everything.

Still can't believe you're going
all corporate on us.

The Kid has become the man.

Okay, it's just an internship
to make a little money.

After law school,
I'm still gonna work for the NRDC.

They're gonna stop global warming.

OLDER TED; Well, I mean,
they did their best,

Here's your sack lunch.

(CHUCKLING)

Okay. I love you because, one,
you made me a sack lunch,

and, two, you laugh
every time you say the word "sack."

(CHUCKLES)

- I love you, Marshmallow.
- I love you.

TED: I love you, too, Marshmallow.

Uh-oh.

- Ted?
- Oh, no!

- No, she didn't.
- Yeah. Yeah, she did.

Another care package?

OLDER TED; Another care package,

I'd been in a long-distance relationship
with Victoria for nearly a month,

Long-distance relationships are a bad idea,

- How many is that so far?
- Three.

And how many have you sent her?

In the mail or in my mind? Zero.

She's up three-zip.

Oh! Cupcakes. Great.

I bet they're delicious, too.

Yeah. They're delicious.

Damn it!

I don't deserve these delicious cupcakes.

God, I hate myself right now.

God, that is so me at 15.

OLDER TED; Marshall was going to work
for a big corporation called Altrucel,

Altrucel was most well-known
for making the yellow fuzzy stuff

on the surface of tennis balls,

I mean, this was a huge company,
so they did other things,

But mostly, they wanted the public
to focus on the yellow fuzzy stuff,

Anyway, Marshall managed to score
an internship in their legal department

because he knew someone
who worked there,

(PHONE RINGING)

Go for Barney.

Mr, Stinson,
this is Willis from lobby security,

Sorry to bother you, but we've had reports
of a Sasquatch loose in the building,

- A Sasquatch?
- That's right, sir, A Bigfoot,

We don't want to alarm you,
but he's been spotted on your floor,

(BARNEY LAUGHING)

Yes! Look at you.

You're suited in an unmistakably
upward direction.

Whoa! That is a butt-Ioad
of motivational posters.

Yeah. Hell, yeah. I got them all.
"Teamwork, courage, awesomeness."

- There's one for awesomeness?
- Yeah. I had it made.

- Sit.
- Hey, so, now that I'm working here,

are you finally gonna tell me
exactly what your job is?

(LAUGHING) Please.

- My dawg!
- My dawg!

Hey, Blauman, Bilson, this is Marshall.
These guys are in legal.

You're gonna be working with them.

Marshall Eriksen. Nice to meet you.

- Nice tie. Steak sauce.
- Oh, steak sauce. For true, though.

- Where? I don't see any...
- Marshall, sidebar.

Your tie is steak sauce. It means A-1.
A-1? Get it? Try to keep up.

Okay, Eriksen. Let's get to work.
It's 2:00 a.m. It's raining outside.

Ding-dong. What? The doorbell?

Oh, hello, Jessica Alba,
in a trench coat and nothing else.

But wait. Knock, knock.
Somebody's at the back door?

- I don't have a back door, so...
- Oh, my gosh.

Jessica Simpson? What a surprise.

Two Jessicas. You gotta pick one.
What do you do? Go.

Right, well, I'm engaged, so...

Fianc?e's out of town.
What do you do? Go!

We're still engaged, even if she's out...

Okay, fianc?e's dead. Hit by a bus.
What do you do? Go.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

- Sure you don't want one?
- How many of those have you eaten?

Fourteen.

No. Just four.

- And the icing from two more.
- Mmm.

So, anyway. Here's the problem.

Hey, it's Ted. I guess you're asleep.

Anyway, I got the care package
and it's just great.

Here, listen.

(MOANING IN SATISFACTION)

So, I'm standing there,

my mouth full of this delicious,
relationship-winning cupcake,

and I said something dumb.

Oh, and don't worry. Yours is in the mail.
I sent it a couple days ago.

And it's awesome. Really, really awesome.

Why did I say that?
I think frosting makes me lie.

Oh, Teddy boy.

Yeah. So now, whatever I send her,
she'll know I sent it after I talked to her.

So, that's the problem. You work on that.
I'm gonna eat this cupcake.

All right, here's what you do.

Put together a care package of stuff
from New York.

Some H&H Bagels,
an Empire State Building key chain,

and then, top off the package
with a New York Times, ready?

From three days ago.

- That's brilliant.
- Mmm.

You're brilliant.

You know, it's funny, not so long ago,

I was coming to Marshall and Lily
for advice on how to impress you.

That is funny.

OLDER TED; And here's why it was funny,

Little did I realize, a few weeks earlier,

here's what Robin was saying to Lily
about me,

Okay, fine! I have feelings for him.

Now, it's ironic the girl I used to like
is helping me impress the girl I now like.

The irony is clear, Ted.

- Hey! How was your first day?
- I don't want to talk about it.

The guys I work with are a bunch of jerks.

- What?
- They're jerks.

- Well, what makes them jerks?
- Forget it. I don't want to talk about it.

Well, like today at lunch.

What you got there, Eriksen?
Mommy pack your lunch?

(LAUGHING)

For your information, my fianc?e did.

Oh! Does she cut the crusts
off your sandwich, too?

(BILSON LAUGHING)

No.

- What's that?
- Nothing. Give it!

"Dear Marshmallow, good luck today.
I love you! Lilypad."

Give it!

"P.S. If you've unfolded this note,
your kiss already got out. Quick, catch it!"

Give it back! Hey, give it! Give me!
Give it!

- Oh, screw those guys. We're adorable.
- I know.

God! It's like freshman year, all over again.

Only, this time, my sweet dance moves
aren't gonna be enough to win them over.

Not even Old Reliable.

Sweetie, it would be cool
to have some extra money,

but if you're unhappy, it's not worth it.

- I quit.
- What? No. You...

We're having so much fun.
You, me, working together. It's great.

We're not even working together, Barney.
I'm in the legal department and you're...

- Seriously, what is it that you do?
- Please.

I'm sorry. Dude, this corporate thing,
it's just... It's not for me.

No, of course it's not for you.

It's for Lily.

- What?
- Marshall, Lily's a catch.

But do you really think you're gonna
hang on to a girl that great

- without the package?
- The package?

The package. The house, the car,
sending your kids to a great school.

- A vacation once in a while.
- Lily doesn't care about that stuff.

Well, no. Now she doesn't.

But how's she gonna feel
in a couple of years

when she's supporting you
on a kindergarten-teacher's salary,

while you're off in court,

defending some endangered
South American flying beaver.

I know.

- She'll be happy.
- Okay.

But will you be happy,

knowing you could have
made her a lot happier?

And all four are totally naked.
You gotta choose one.

What do you do? Go.

I guess, uh, Bea Arthur.

(IMITATING BUZZER SOUNDING)

Wrong. Betty White.

Clean this stuff up, Eriksen.

So, did she get
the awesome care package, yet?

Yep. Yesterday.

- Did she love it?
- Oh, she loved it.

So, what's the problem?

So, I was talking to her last night,
and I should tell you,

we've been talking on the phone
every other night,

for, like, an hour and a half.
Eventually, you just run out of stuff to say.

What did you have for lunch today?

Mmm-hmm.

Oh, rye bread.

Oh.

(SIGHING)

Mmm-hmm.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Oh, Teddy boy.

I'm usually so good at being a boyfriend,

but this never-seeing-each-other thing,
it's a bitch.

Maybe it just can't be done.

I think it's clear what I have to do.

It's pretty clear.

I have to go to Germany and surprise her.

Totally what I was thinking.
Get out of my head, man.

Barney, how do I get these idiots
to leave me alone?

Marshall, consider the penguins.

- The penguins?
- On the wall.

"Conformity. It's the one who's different
that gets left out in the cold."

This is a motivational poster?

Look at yourself, Marshall.
You're not happy.

And you know why?
Because you're different.

Now, I suppose you could learn
to love yourself

for the unique little snowflake
that you are.

Or you could change
your entire personality,

which is just so much easier.

Change your personality? That is so awful.
And not at all motivational.

Not necessarily.
Okay, at first, I was appalled.

But then I realized

it's just like Dr. Aurelia Birnholz-Vazquez
in Life Among The Gorillas,

No, I have to gain the acceptance
of the herd

by behaving exactly like one of them.

It's an anthropological study.
Isn't that cool?

Well, it sounds kind of like peer pressure.

No, no, no. It's totally anthropological.

And it's cool. And I'm doing it.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it's peer pressure.
We have an assembly every year.

I'm portraying someone
who succumbs to peer pressure.

All right.

But if those guys try to pressure you
to smoke, what do you say?

- Only when I'm drunk.
- Good boy.

OLDER TED; And so,
to fit in with the gorillas,

Marshall had to learn to act like a gorilla,

And that meant gorilla lessons,

Okay. I'm psyched about this.
But if I'm gonna mentor you,

I need to know
you're psyched about this, too.

Oh, I am. I'm psyched.

Yeah, but it's one thing to say it.
It's another thing to show it.

Show it.

I'm psyched.

What was that?

Marshall, I should feel
tremors of psychetude

rock my body like a seizure.

That was like a declawed, pregnant cat
on a porch swing idly swatting at a fly

on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

- Wow, that was really specific.
- Show me you're psyched!

Let's do this!

- That hurt!
- So badly!

And then you slip it to the guy
with a discreet handshake,

- and he'll get it done.
- Right.

Get what done?

- Whatever.
- Cool. And what guy is this?

- There's always a guy.
- Okay. All right. I, uh...

- I think I'm ready.
- You sure?

You want to practice your story
one more time?

All right.

So, dude, check it. I'm in San Diego
with two of my brosephs from Kappa,

and they're all,
"Yo, Eriksen, let's roll to the strip clubs!"

So, I'm like, "A-snappa-doo!"

So we find this choice nudie nest
near the airport.

And that is when the bouncer
kicked us out.

Now, I have no idea
if Svetlana ever got her green card,

but, dudes, fake diamond ring?

Worth every penny, bro.

Eriksen, that was steak sauce!

- Awesome, bro.
- Yeah. Yeah.

- Get out!
- Great story.

OLDER TED; The next morning,
I was about to buy my ticket to Germany,

when I got an e-mail,

Uh-oh.

"Hey, Ted.
Sorry I missed your call last night.

"This long-distance thing sucks, huh?

"Listen, I've been thinking
and I really need to talk to you tonight.

"I'll call you at 11:00. Victoria."

- So?
- So, she's gonna dump me.

Has anyone ever said,
"Listen, I've been thinking,"

and then followed it up
with something good?

It's not like, "Listen, I've been thinking,
Nutter Butters are an underrated cookie."

What else could it be?

What could she possibly have to say to me
that she couldn't write in an e-mail?

I cut off all my fingers.

Ted, you're a great guy. I know it.
You know it. She knows it.

I would bet you a gazillion dollars.
No, I'm even more confident.

I would bet you a floppity jillion dollars
that she's not calling to break up with you.

Thanks. You're right. I'm being crazy.

So I should still buy
that plane ticket, right?

I'd wait.

MARSHALL: 'Sup, Blauman. E-Bomb here.

We still on for karaoke?

Dope!

I'm gonna rock you on the mike so hard
your ears are gonna bleed gravy.

Catch you on the flip, butt puppet.

Okay.

- What do you think?
- Steak sauce.

- Steak sauce?
- Yeah.

Yeah, look, you know,

whatever anthropology you do at work
is your business.

But, please,
don't act like that around here.

Lily, when Doctor Aurelia Birnholz...

No, when Dr. Australia Birdbath-Vaseline
came home from the gorillas,

she didn't run around
picking nits out of people's hair

and throwing feces.

I'm begging you. Just leave it at the office.

Why?

Because you're acting
like one of those guys,

and those guys are lame.

Okay, those guys were mean at first, yes.
But they're actually good guys,

and if you got to know them,
then you would see that.

Look, come karaoke with us tonight,

and you'll see how totally
not that lame they are.

- Okay?
- Okay.

But, wait. Knock, knock, back door.

Who's there?
Angelina Jolie, wait, in a wheelchair.

What do you do? Go.

Dude, Scarlett Johansson with no arms
any day of the week!

(LILY FEIGNING LAUGHTER)

You're right. They're delightful.

So, Barney, you gonna sing anything?

(EX CLAIMS)

I'm so over karaoke.

Really? I thought you'd be totally into it.

Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm good.
The best, really.

But it's the greatest samurai
who lets his sword rust in its scabbard.

Oh, baby, they have our song.
Let's do Don't Go Breaking My Heart,

What?

Don't Go Breaking My Heart,
Elton John. Kiki Dee.

No way.

- You gotta go with some Black Sabbath.
- Oh.

Well, actually, Marshall and I have
this little dance routine we do...

Iron Man, I could do Iron Man,

- Steak sauce.
- Steak sauce, dude.

Should we tell him?

All right, Eriksen,
I've got some good news.

On Monday, Bilson and I
are gonna talk to Montague in HR.

When you graduate,
we want you working with us.

What do you say?

- Yes!
- My man!

- I told you he would.
- BILSON: We are gonna have a hoot.

- We're gonna own the office.
- Steak sauce.

Okay, that was gross.

When were you gonna tell me
you changed your entire career path?

Nothing has changed, okay?
I still want to help the environment.

I just thought that maybe
I can make some money for a few years.

We could buy an apartment,
send our kids to good schools.

You could quit your job
and focus on your painting,

I know that you say you don't need it,

but I love you
and I want to give it to you anyway.

I want to give you the package.

The package?

You've already given me the package.
You've got a great package, Marshall.

I love your package.

Lily, you're the most
incredible woman I know

and you deserve a big package.

Your package has always been big enough.

You may not realize this, Marshall Eriksen,

but you've got a huge package.

(MUSIC PLA YING)

Yeah.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- Why hasn't she called yet?

Okay, you're making yourself crazy.

It's Saturday night.
Go out and do something.

No, what's the point of going out?
I got a girlfriend. For now.

Besides, if I go out,
who's gonna watch the news?

I'm like half your viewership.

Oh, I'm flattered
you think we have two viewers.

She's not gonna break up with you, Ted.
You're awesome.

Thanks. Anyway, it's almost 11:00.
I should let you go.

Break a leg.

OLDER TED; And so, as I sat at home,
waiting for the phone to ring,

something occurred to me,

I'm actually sitting at home,
waiting for the phone to ring.

(MAN SINGING)

- Marshall.
- Hey.

Dude, I feel like I haven't seen you
in a month.

Yeah.

Yeah. How're you doing?

I think Victoria's
about to break up with me.

Oh, God. I'm sorry, man.

Yeah, well,

honestly, I'm having trouble
remembering what she looks like.

The more I try to picture her,
the more I can't.

Like, I remember how she makes me feel,
I just don't completely remember her.

It's like I'm trying to preserve something
that's already gone.

Preserving something that's already gone.

Sounds like environmental law.

I don't know.

I mean, we struggle so hard
to hold on to these things

that we know
are gonna disappear eventually.

And that's really noble.

But even if you save every rainforest
from being turned into a parking lot,

well, then,
where are you gonna park your car?

(MUSIC STOPS)

Rockupied, Dude, what,,,

Next up, Marshmallow and Lilypad,

(MUSIC PLA YING)

(SINGING)

OLDER TED; It turns out
some things are worth preserving,

But here's the real question, It's 2,{{{{{00 a, m,

Your friends are still out singing karaoke,
but you're home early,

because you're expecting a call
from your girlfriend in Germany

who was supposed to call four hours ago,

And then the phone rings,

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Hi, Ted, it's Robin.

Um, listen, I know it's late,
but do you want to come over?

OLDER TED; What do you do? Go,