How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 16 - Cupcake - full transcript

Kids, when it comes to love,
the best relationships

Are the ones
that just come naturally.

My first solo batch.

Um, I think those need to stay
in the oven a while longer.

Here's a professional tip.

If it's still runny,
it's not a cupcake.

It's a beverage.

Things with victoria were fun,
and easy,

And uncomplicated.

It was pretty great.

Um, are you coloring
in your butt?

I have a big interview
coming up,

And my suit has holes in it.

I can't sew,
I don't own navy boxers, so,

Yeah, I'm coloring in my butt.

So wear another one.
I don't have another one.

I'm flat broke.

My only other suit options
are track or birthday.

Dude, you show up to
an interview in that,

Even the hippie lawyers

From granola mountain
earth pals will hackey sack you

Straight out the door.

Okay, it's the national resource
defense council,

And it's my dream job.

Except it's only an internship,
and I won't be getting paid.

Mostly getting people coffee.

But the people
I'm getting coffee for--

Their bosses are going
to save the world.

Okay, tomorrow--
oh, and I should mention

This is going
to rock your world--

Tomorrow I'm taking you

To my personal tailor.

A tailor?

Barney, I make
negative $300 a week,

And I need every negative penny
of that for my wedding.

Relax, my guy does everything
for one third the cost.

And there is no way
you're getting married

In that sarcastic-
quotation-marks "suit."

Tomorrow, noon, my tailor.

No thanks, dude.

Noon?
Noon.

Okay.
See you then.

Hey, girls.

Hey.
Hey.

Hey. I'm on my
way to meet ted.

It's our two
monthiversary, so we're

Going out to dinner.

Great! Well, that answers

All the questions I didn't ask.

Robin!

Oh, come on.
We bust on each other.

We're just at that place
in our strong friendship.

Really? Oh.

Get off me.

Oh, see? I did it again.

What are you guys up to?
Oh, dress shopping.

You know, I make wedding cakes
for a lot of fancy bridal shops.

If you want,
I could take you shopping,

Maybe get you a discount.
Really? That'd be great.

Yeah.

Ooh.

Huh. I should
take this.

Hello.

Hey,

I thought it was going
to be just us tomorrow.

What's with inviting
punky brewster?

Robin, you've got to get over
this ted and victoria thing.

You had your chance,
and now he's moved on.

Can't you just be happy
for them?

The best I can give you
is a fake smile and dead eyes.

Sold.

Victoria, what's wrong?

I've just been offered
a fellowship

At a culinary institute
in germany.

Wait. Germany, europe?

It's for two years.

I figured I didn't have
much of a chance,

'cause they don't let
many americans in, but...

I'm in.

So, this is the europe germany?

What other germany
would it be?

The one in epcot?

Ted.

Sorry.

Congratulations.

Thank you. I don't
know if I'm going to go.

Mm-hmm. And if-if you do,
what does that mean for us?

I don't know.

I just... I don't think

That long distance
really works for anyone.

Oh, god, no.

Long-distance is a lie
teenagers tell each other

To get laid
the summer before college.

So, that leaves
us with...

Either you stay here,

Or we break up.

Wow.

Um, look, let's just see
how things progress,

And if by September,
we still feel...

I have to
leave on Monday.

Monday, September the...?

Ted.

Do you have any thoughts?

Maybe we should each take
some time

To think about what we want.

We'll meet up tomorrow
to discuss it.

It's a date.

And that's
when things got complicated.

Hey, baby,
how's the dress place?

Everything's so
fluffy and white.

It's like shopping
in a marshmallow.

How's barney's
tailor?

Um, everything here is dark

And sketchy and seems illegal.

It's like shopping
in barney's mind.

Well, good
luck, baby.

Bye.

Hey, barney,

I'm not sure about this.

A tailor in the back room
of a pet store?

Look, do you want
a quality suit and a
free rabbit or not?

Okay.

Ted, sergei says
stop moping around.

You're distracting
him from his process.

You speak ukrainian?

Eh.

Guys, I'm kind of
screwed here.

I don't want to lose victoria,

But I can't ask her to stay
just for me.

And long distance definitely
isn't an option.

No. No, no, no. No way.

You know who likes
long distance?

Girls. It's all talking
and no sex.

Kill me now.

Don't knock long-distance
relationships.

I really think they can work.

Really? You?

Absolutely.

I'm juggling
four right now.

There's lisa in madrid,
there's erica in tokyo,

There's laura in denmark,

And kelly on 34th street.

The lass thinks I'm a humble
sheep shearer from killarney.

Ted, do you
remember in college

When lily did that summer
art program in paris?

Yeah.
Well, she kept talking about
this cheesy french guy, gabriel.

So, I went out to visit,
and there was this party.

And who shows up
but gabriel.

And he's got this
weak-ass, thin
french mustache.

I'm not much of a fighter,
but I knew I could take

This weird little dude.

So, I took him aside,

And I got all creepy quiet,
I got the crazy eyes going,

And I said,

"you stay away from
lily, or I swear to god

I'll eat that mustache right
off of your ugly french face."

Yeah. No, he literally
ran away.

I think he was crying.

I never told lily about it.

To be honest,
I'm not very proud of it.

To be even more honest,

I am.

Um, other than confirming a lot
of european stereotypes

About americans, did that
little story have a point?

Yeah, the point is that even
though lily is my soul mate,

Long distance still
almost killed us.

If you think that
there's any chance

That victoria
is your soul mate,

You should ask her to stay.

Well, I don't know if she is.

It's still too early,
but yeah, she could be.

Oh, please. You
barely know this girl.

What's her favorite color?

Is she a cat person
or a dog person?

Is she open
to a three-way?

Ted, I do more research than
this before buying a cell phone.

And fyi, yes, I have
three-way calling.

Look, she can't be a cat person.

I'm a dog person, I'm attracted
to other dog people.

Are you sure?

All right.

Hello.
Hey, random question.

How do you
feel about cats?

Cats. Hated the musical,
love the animal.

Good to know.

Um, okay.
Good-bye.

She's a cat person.

I don't know this girl at all.

Oh, excellent.
We'll take this one.
Yes. Mm-hmm.

Whoa. Hey, hey,
it's my suit.

Shouldn't I be the one
to choose?

Here. Play with
this pin cushion.

Oh.

Okay.

God.

I'm going to look hot.

Marshall, I can't let you waste
a suit this nice

Fighting a losing battle
for our planet's survival.

This is a suit for winners.

I am getting you an
interview at my office.

We need good men like you
in our legal department.

We get sued a lot.

No way.

The kid does not sell out.

Oh, come on, dude! Three
months working with me,

You'll make more than
lily makes in a year.

No. I've made my decision.

So have I.

If I ask this girl
to give up her dreams for me,

And two weeks later,
it's not working out,

I'm, like, the biggest jerk
of all time.

It's just too much pressure
on a new relationship.

I'm going to tell her to go.

And so I met her that night
to tell her my decision.

All right, I've
been thinking a
lot about this...

Okay, before you say anything,

I wanted to give you...

This.

This is what happens
when you, you know,

Let them finish baking.

I want you to stay.

Everything here is dark

And sketchy
and seems illegal.

It's like shopping
in barney's mind.

Oh, good luck, baby.

Bye.

Now, what sort of dress
did you have in mind, dear?

Nothing too
huge or-or poofy.

I'm not really
a girlie girl.

But I would like to look
like a beautiful princess.

I saw a couple up
front that were nice.

By the window?

Mm.

No offense, dear,

But those are a little
out of your price range.

Where does she get off?

She doesn't know
how much money I make.

Oh, these women are experts.

They can guess
your net annual income

Just by looking
at your underwear.

Damn you old navy and your
reasonably-priced three-packs!

At least we get free champagne!

And cake.
Mm-hmm.

Speaking of which,

Victoria, have you
decided what to do

About your doughnut
fellowship?

You know, I don't know.
I mean, I want to go,

But I don't want
to lose ted.

I even thought
about long distance, as if

That ever works.

Ugh. All talking and no sex.

Kill me now.

I know it sounds lame,

But I actually think
that ted might be the one.

That's pretty hard

To walk away from.

Well, I don't know.

I'd feel a little stepford
turning down a huge opportunity

To chase some guy
I'd only known two months.

But this isn't just some guy.

This is ted.

He's amazing.

He's the best guy I know.

Yeah, in america,
but german guys? Whew!

I would let them bread
my schnitzel any day,

If you know what I mean.

I really don't...

Sex.

Oh, excuse me, ma'am.

This bastard's kicked.

Thanks.

Oh!

Oh!

It's okay, guys, I hate it.

Just horrible.
It's bad, it's really bad.

Short in front,
long in the back?

That is the mullet
of wedding dresses.

You know, victoria,

Marshall and I did
long distance once.

In college, I did

An art course in paris.

I was the only american there.

It was really lonely.

I only had
one friend,

Gabrielle.

She was kind of homely
and strange-looking,

And she was really
self-conscious

About this little mustache
she had.

Anyway,

Halfway through the semester,
she just stopped talking to me,

And I never figured out why.

And then I had nobody.

The only thing
that got me through

Was knowing that my soul mate
was back at home waiting for me.

If ted's your soul mate, then

It may be worth it
to hang onto him.

But how am I supposed to know
if we're soul mates?

It's too soon.

Ooh. Speak of the devil.

Hello.

Hey, random question.

How do you feel
about cats?

Cats. Hated the musical,
love the animal.

A cat person.

Why am I not surprised?

Bye.

Why does ted want to know
if I like cats?

Maybe he's going
to buy you one.

I did hear barking
in the background.

Maybe he was in a pet store.

Does he want us
to get a cat together?

Maybe he's using
an adorable kitty

To guilt you into staying.

That is low.

Do you really think
that's what he's doing?

Oh, I wouldn't even
wait to find out.

I would be on the
next plane to germany.

Aw.

Oh, god,

You guys are sucky liars.

Ugly, ugly, ugly.
I don't know
what to say.

You know what?

We're doing this
all wrong.

I am going to get you
one of those

Front window dresses,
just for fun.

Are you okay?

I'm fine.

Okay.

Just kind of seemed
like you're trying

To hustle victoria
out of the country.

I'm not, I'm just trying
to support her.

She got a super-important
dessert scholarship.

Stop being sarcastic.

It is a super-important
dessert scholarship.

Wow, that's hard to say
without sounding sarcastic.

Look...

I know you're not
victoria's biggest fan,

But she seems to make ted happy.

So think about that

Before you use your miles
to buy her a plane ticket.

Somebody say

"beautiful princess."

Oh, my gosh,
it's perfect! Oh!

This dress is totally going to
get me laid on my wedding night.

Oh, look how happy she is.

You know, I've always
thought of myself

As one of those
independent women

Who would never let any
guy mess with my career.

And now I'm actually
thinking about it.

I feel guilty, like it's
un-feminist or something.

I know what you mean.

You do?

Well, I'm always putting
my career

Ahead of my relationships,
and... To be honest,

There's a lot of lonely nights
in that job description.

See, that's what
I'm afraid of.

Choosing ted over your career
doesn't make you un-feminist.

Maybe it just means
that you guys

Would be happy together.

Robin...

I think that you
are the coolest.

I'm so glad that we're friends.

Oh, no way-- you're the coolest.

No, you are.

Okay, I am.

I'm going to stay.

Aw.

Oh, I am so beautiful!

Oh, don't tell me
how much it costs.

Just snap my neck now,
so I can die this pretty.

Wow, you look
incredible.

Okay, okay, how much is it,

On a scale of never
to never ever?

Never ever, ever,
ever, ever...

Times infinity.

Well, it's okay.

You know,
what makes a bride beautiful

Is that she's just happy
to be getting married.

Oh, guys, I know I look amazing,
but the important thing

Is that marshall
and I love each other, right?

Yes, you're right.

But also... You just
sat down in the cake.

But, you
know what?

It's going
to come out

Because it's only...
Chocolate and raspberry.

Okay.

Come on, get up,
let us see how bad it is.

It was like this
when I found it?

And how will you be paying
for this?

Credit card... S.

I wanted to give you...

This.

This is what happens when you...

You know,
let them finish baking.

I want you to stay.

I have to go to germany.

You're going?
Yes. I have to.

So that's what you decided?

Well, no-- I mean,
I actually came here tonight

Leaning toward staying, but
when you just told me to stay,

It made me realize
that I have to go.

What is this,
opposite day or something?

No.
So it is?

Ted, we've only been dating
for two months.

I can't let you
make this decision for me.

I was totally going
to tell you to go,

But then you gave me
this cupcake,

And it reminded me
how great you are.

Well, is there any chance

That you would move
to germany with me?

Well, that's just crazy.

Oh, okay.

So it's fine for me to make
sacrifices for you,

But for you it's crazy.

But you have a job here and a
life; I'd have nothing there.

You'd have me.
We've only been dating
two months.

Oh, it's not fair.

It's not fair
that we have to break up.

I hate this.

So... We're breaking up?

I guess so.

I guess so.

God, that sucks, man.

I'm so sorry.

It was just too much
pressure too soon.

I mean, maybe
it was silly

To even think...

Yes, marshall, I see
your new suit, and it's awesome.

Well, thank you
for acknowledging it.

It was weird that you hadn't.

Look, I understand

That you guys had to break up
eventually, but why today?

She's leaving tomorrow.

Yeah, but she's still in town.

Yeah, she...
She's still in town.

Yeah, so you spend one more
amazing day together.

Ted, think about it this way:

If you knew that you were going
to lose your leg tomorrow,

Would you sit on the couch
and cry about it,

Or would you run, and jump,
and do some awesome air kicks

While you still could?

Awesome air kicks, huh?

New pajama bottoms?

You know it.

So we can sit
around and cry,

Or we can run, and
do awesome air kicks

Before our leg
gets chopped off.

Wait, so we're
sharing the leg?

No, the leg
is a metaphor.

How could the leg be well enough
to do awesome air kicks one day,

And yet still so sick it needs
to be chopped off the next?

I don't know, ted.

Come on, we've
had a good run.

Why end on a fight?

Well, what would you
want to do?

Let's do all the stuff
we talked about doing
and never got around to.

Yeah, we'll walk across
the brooklyn bridge.

See some monkeys
at the zoo?

Go to that french-vietnamese
place we keep passing

And say we want to try?

Wow! We better get going.

Yeah, big day.
Yeah.

And, kids,

That's exactly what we did
with our last day.

The museum, the bridge,
the restaurant,

And all of those nice things.

Lily, you have
to tell him.

That dress cost a fortune.

No, I'm just gonna wait
for the next time

Marshall really screws up,

And then, I'll just
slip this in,

And it won't seem
so bad by comparison.

Well, here's hoping
he cheats on you.

Yeah, but only, like,
second base.

Look at us: Two
guys in suits.

You feel that
slight tingle?

That's every girl in
the bar wanting you,

And every guy
wanting to be you.

Actually,
it's mostly me,

But you're getting
some of the splash.

Hey, babe.

Dollar beer night, so I splurged
and got us each our own.

So, have you

Thought more about coming
to work for barney corp?

Oh, please-- your company
is not called barney corp.

Yet.

Oh, I almost
forgot.

Sergei sent me your bill.

B... Barney, this says $4,000.

I thought you said
that it was one-third price.

Yeah, must be a $12,000 suit.

Oh, well, guess you'll
have to come work at my company.

You set this up!

You set this
whole thing up!

I most certainly did...

Well, it won't work.

Even if I have to get
two extra night jobs,

I'll pay your precious tailor.

I'm not selling my soul.

Baby, I know that this
will make things harder,

But I will make
it work, I promise.

I destroyed an $8,000
wedding dress.

What time is the interview?

9:00 a.M., and you'll need
new shoes.

Don't worry, I know a guy.

Well, I'm glad we
got to spent the day

Doing awesome
air kicks.

Yeah, I was almost too tired
for all the sex.

I'm going to
miss you so much.

I'm going to
miss you, too.

Hey, you know, I mean,
if, when I get back,

We're still
single, we can...

Even if we're not.

Okay.

Look, I know it never works
for anyone, but...

...Do you want to try
long distance?

Yes. Yes!

We can beat the odds.

Odds, schmodds.

It's gonna work.

We're going
to make it work-- it'll work.

Long-distance was
and is a terrible idea,

Just awful.