How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 14 - Zip, Zip, Zip - full transcript

Hiding in the bathroom, Marshall and Lily wait for Ted and Victoria to consummate their relationship, and Barney gets the wrong idea from Robin.

♪ ba, da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da... ♪

When you meet someone special,

Suddenly life is
full of firsts.

The first night together.

The first weekend together.

For me,
all those firsts happened

Within 48 hours
of meeting victoria.

They have to come out
soon, it's Monday.

Do you think they've been
in there the whole time?

I don't know whether to be
proud or concerned.

Maybe they're not
even in there.

Good morning.
Hey, guys.

I'm just going
to ignore that.

Thank you!

I wish you could stay.

But I have to go to work,
and you have that meeting.

Call you afterwards?

I'll inappropriately
text you during.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.
Oh, victoria,
you're here...

Toot-a-loo!

Bye.

Two days straight?!

Wow, your room must smell
like a monkey cage!

Come on,
give us a number.

Lily guessed eight,

But I know my boy got
to double digits.

Zero.

What?
What?

Guys, we just met.

And we both screwed up
relationships in the past

By jumping in too quick,

And we decided
to take this one slow.

Her idea.
Totally her idea!

But, I don't know,
I'm really into this girl,

And if going slow is what
it takes to make this happen,

I say bring it on.

I don't feel so good.

It's like my testicles
mixed pop rocks and soda.

I can't believe she's making you
wait a whole month.

I would never
put up with that.

You've only had sex with
one girl in your whole life.

Burn!

Ted, the only reason
to wait a month for sex

Is if the girl is
17 years, 11 months old.

Good news: I don't
have to cover

The cat show tomorrow night.

Who's up for hanging out?

Oh, I can't,
I'm taking victoria
out for dinner.

No, no, we can't, it's
our nine-year anniversary.

Wow, nine years?

Your relationship's
a fourth grader.

Congrats.

We're going to the berkshires
for the maple syrup harvest.

It's one of new york magazine's

"top five romantic
getaways on a budget."

Who says sexual
can't be sensible?

Well, looks like it's going
to be just you and me.

Really?

Actually, I was talking
to my martini.

Ready to go?
Hell, yeah.

Nothing better than a weekend
at a good bed and breakfast.

Yeah. Waking up for breakfast
at 7:00 a.M.

Sharp.

Complimenting the odors

And their collection
of needle-point geese.

Awkward conversations
with middle-aged couples

Trying to stave off divorce.

Yeah, well,
we'd better get going,

It's like a four-hour drive.

And it's supposed
to rain tonight.

Or we could just stay home.

Maybe watch some tv.

Order in some chinese.

Oh, sichuan garden!

Are we really bailing?

Good, cause this
thing's empty.

Hundred dollars says
when you turn around,

I say "wow."

Barney, this is
the third time

You've hit on me
by accident.

It's one of the many risks
of the blind approach.

It's usually
a two-man operation

Where ted signals
that the target is hot.

But ted's too busy being
in a lesbian relationship.

Why don't you just check out
the girl's reflection

In the bar mirror?

You can't just...

Wow!

Hey?

What's taking so long?

I have to go.

Not so fast, scherbotsky.

I like the way you think.

That mirror thing.

Simple. Elegant.

Okay, limited-time offer:

I need a "bro" for
my bro-ings on about town.

How would you
like to be said bro?

Well, as tempting
as that sounds,

I'm hanging out
with my friend

Who just got dumped.

She really needs
some support...

Or a stranger's
tongue down her throat.

That seems healthy.

All right.

Guess I'm in.

So...

One more week
and it'll be a month.

Really? Are you sure?

Wow, that snuck up on me.

Oh, come on.

The 18th can't get here
fast enough.

Wait, the 18th?

Oh, crap!

I can't believe I forgot this--

I'm going to be out of town
on the 18th!

Oh.

Well, um, we can just...

I mean, the whole point was
not to rush into this.

Yeah.

Or we could do it tonight.

75th and amsterdam.

I'm so glad we decided
to just stay home.

Oh, I know.

Can you imagine
if we'd gone?

We'd be just
getting there now,

And yet we'd feel
obligated to have sex.

Yeah, for 89
bucks a night,
we're doing it.

I would like
to propose a toast.

To the most awesomely
mellow anniversary ever.

Ah...

I'm so glad you have to go
to your parents' next weekend.

I'm so glad your roommates
are out of town.

Oh, my god, what are
they doing home?

They think we went away.

Oh, it is on
for my boy, ted.

But we didn't go away,
we're in the bathroom.

All we have to do is
hide out in here

Until ted moves his mojo
into the bedroom.

But I don't want
to hide out in here.

Honey, ted has been going out of
his mind waiting for this.

If we go out there

And spoil the mood,
it's not going to happen.

Then one of us is going
to have to have
sex with ted,

And...
Not going to be me.

Okay, fine.

I guess I'll actually floss.

You suited up!

Well, I figured
if I'm going to do this,

I'm going to do this right.

Emilio?
The woman will have...

I'll have a
johnny walker blue, neat,

And a montecristo no. 2

Thanks.

Ah, the no. 2,
a.K.A. "the torpedo."

Or, as the rollers call it,
"piramide."

My father was a cigar fanatic,

It was the only way
to get his attention.

Father issues.

Hot.

I know-- I was this close
to being a huge slut.

Slut would have been better,
but I'll settle for bro.

Especially now that
ted's with victoria

And can't drink.

Because he's pregnant.

Cause he's the girl.

Oh, come on,
ted can't be pregnant.

You need to have sex
to get pregnant.

What up!

Freeze frame high five!

I think this may be
a perfect moment.

I wish we could
hold onto it forever.

No.

Because the beauty
of a moment

Is that it's fleeting.

By its very
nature, it...

Slips through
our fingers...

Making it that much
more precious.

Ugh, that is bad.

That is, like, high-school-
literary-magazine bad.

And they're not even high.

It's actually working.

Yeah, smooth but slowly.

God, close the deal, already.

It's been, like, 45 minutes--

We could have had sex
three times by now.

Yeah, try five.

What up!

Maybe we should
just go out there.

No way!

We can't go out there now,

They'll know that we've been
sitting in the bathroom

The whole time.

It'll be too weird.

Fine.

But if we're stuck in here...

I'm turning up
the volume.

Shh. Shh.

♪ ashes around me...

I want to know you.

Like, know your soul.

Ted, what makes
you cry?

Could you hold my hair back,

I think I'm going
to hurl.

What do you and ted usually do
after the cigar bar?

Are you kidding?

Ted's never been here.

You've already

Flown higher and faster
than he ever did.

Still...

What?

Eh.

There is one other thing
we could do.

If you're up for it.

I had no idea laser tag
still existed!

Yeah, well, enjoy it
before it becomes cool again.

I give it two months.

Oh, I believe it--
this is awesome!

Okay, follow my lead,
stay low,

And never underestimate
a 12-year-old with a...

Scherbotsky,
you have to focus!

You just saved my life,
didn't you?

Thank me later.

Let's keep moving.

These little bastards
are everywhere.

He's just staring into her eyes.

I don't know, we used to be
even more nauseatingly

Into each other
than ted and victoria.

Now look at us.

Now we just make fun
of people like that.

It's the circle of life.

No, I'm serious,
marshall.

I mean, we couldn't even
get it up to go on our big trip.

And now we're celebrating our
anniversary stuck in a bathroom.

Well, it's not fair to compare
us to ted and victoria.

This is their first time.

Yeah, but we could still have
some more romance.

Now, you just say,
"want to do it?"

And I say, "yeah."

Want to...

No!

Maybe we're just out of firsts.

Looks like they're
about to have theirs.

Should we take this
to the bedroom?

Yes!
Yes!

Yes.

Yes!
Yes!

No.

No, don't answer it!

You can answer it.

We have all night.

You're answering it?

He's answering it!
No!

Do her!
Do her now!

Sure.

Good luck with that.

Sorry about that.

How about a little more wine?

I'll get another bottle.

Thank you.

I need a drink.

Do we have any
cough syrup in here?

Shh...

Oh, god.

These brats have us
completely surrounded.

I counted nine, maybe ten.

I'll lay down some cover fire,
you make a run for it.

No. Leave no man behind.

Either we all get out
of here or no one does.

But I...
Don't be a hero, scherbotsky.

See you on the other side.

Damn.

Want to go get a soft pretzel?

Yeah.
All right.

Marshall, what happened to us?

We used to just stare into each
other's eyes all night long.

Have we lost that?

Maybe.

But I think I just found it.

Right here.

Baby, I'm giving you
sexy smoldering

With just a hint of crazy eyes.

Oh.

Okay, well, get ready
for my sex-ray vision.

Did you remember
to pick up the dry cleaning?

Oh, damn it.
It's all right.

We can do this.

Let's just hold hands.

This is nice.

Oh.

You love that move.

It's a classic marshall.

All right, we totally
suck at this.

We really, really need
to get out of here.

Baby, there's something
I have to do,

And if I do it in front of you,

It'll change the entire nature
of our relationship.

What is it?

I have to pee.

This is bad.
Yeah.

We've gone nine years without
peeing in front of each other.

You always think
there'll be more time.

Look at us.

We're basically
an old married couple,

And we're not even married yet.

The flame of our romance
is flickering,

And if I pee all over it,
it might go out forever.

How much longer do you think
you can hold it?

I drank a big gulp
of mountain dew

During that quantum leap
marathon.

Oh, boy.

Playing laser tag
really takes me back.

You know what game
I really miss? Battleship.

I've never lost a game.

Neither have I.

Of course I cheat.

Oh, yeah, me, too.

The trick is to bend

The aircraft carrier
so it makes an l.

Ah. I always just stacked
the ships on top of each other.

You know, we should have
a cheaters grudge match.

I think I still have a...

Hello. Target acquired.

Hottie by the jukebox.

Ooh, good eye, scherbotsky.

I got someone for you.

Two o'clock, blue shirt.

That's a woman.

Oh, my mistake.

Or is it?

Let's just focus
on your target.

Right.

I got this one.

Oh, my god.

I love your jeans.

Okay.

Is this a lesbian bar?

Because that girl
with the blue shirt just...

Oh, no.

I am all about the dudes.

Although pickings
are pretty slim tonight.

Only hot guy here is
blondie in the suit,

And he's playing hard to get.

Really?

'cause he's totally
vibing me right now.

Must be the jeans.

Well, jeans will only
get you so far.

I'm going home with him.

We'll see about that.

Oh, my god, I hate ted.

I hate him so much.

Baby, why don't you just go?

Tons of other couples have
peed in front of each other.

Because I want to keep
some of the mystery alive.

Well, you have farted
in front of me.

Yes, but I always
cover it with a cough.

You always do.

Hey.

Hey.
Let's get out of here.

Let's go somewhere else.

What happened?

Eh, you sometimes like to do

A little catch and release.

But why?

Leave no man behind.

Either we all score
or no one scores.

Right on.

Hey, you want to go
play battleship?
Hit!

Ted, I can't wait any longer.

Should we move to the bedroom?

There's no time for that.

They can suck on each other's
fingers for an hour,

But there's no time to take
two steps to the bedroom?

Baby, I can't hold it in
any longer.

It's time.

I know.

I love you, marshall.

I love you, lily.

There we go.

You know, barney, I had

A surprisingly good time
bro-ing out tonight.

You're a better ted than ted.

Hey, in fact,

You have just earned yourself

An invite
to marshall's bachelor party.

And you don't even have
to come out of the cake.

Thanks.

And, um, thanks
for sticking around tonight.

I hope you're ready
for some hard-core battleship.

Come on, boys.

Hard-core?

That's the only way I play.

I found it.

Are you ready to...

What the hell are you doing?

I'm birthday suiting up.

I'm sorry, did you
want to undress me?

No! I thought we were just
hanging out as friends.

Oh, come on, you have been

Throwing yourself at me
all night.

What?! I did the opposite!

I threw some other girl at you.

You invited me up to your
apartment to "play battleship."

Is that not an internationally
recognized term for sex?

No.

Great.

I hope you're happy.

You sunk my battleship.

I'm okay.

You okay?

I feel the same.

And yet, strangely different.

I'm happy for my bladder,
yet sad for us.

You had to do it, sweetie...

For ted.

And, hey, look, at least now

We can stay in here
as long as it takes.

Yeah.

I guess our relationship
had to take a hit

So a new one out there
could blossom.

Oh, crap!

They must have heard that.

Well, I guess we can
come out now.

I don't believe it.

They're gone.

Good.

'cause I got to take a whiz.

Okay, you and me,

That's insane.

If you even thought about it
for one second...

But I have thought about it,
and it makes a lot of sense.

We both think the marriage
commitment thing's a drag.

We both want something
casual and fun.

And we clearly
get along really well.

Wow, that actually did
make a lot of sense.

But what about ted?

I checked with ted.

Ted, so now that things with
you and victoria are going

Pretty well, I assume
you're over all the girls

I take your silence as a yes,
so say I were to hook up

With someone, say robin,
you'd be cool with that, right?

Sure.

Good luck with that.
Ha!

Totally gave us his blessing.

Really?

Really.

So ted didn't care that you
wanted to make a move on me?

Didn't care at all.

Oh.

Oh...

What?

You like ted.

I didn't say I liked ted.

You like ted.

Wow.

This is huge.

Barney, I don't like ted.

He's moved on,
and I'm really happy for...

Look, are we gonna play
battleship or what?

You're not gonna tell him,
are you?

No.

That's the bro code.

A bro doesn't tell a mutual bro

That a third bro
has a crush on him.

Just like the third bro
doesn't tell the mutual bro

That the original bro went
bare pickle in front of her.

It's quid pro bro.

A-7.

Miss.
Of course.

Well, we still have
one frontier left.

Still got the deuce.

Not making me feel better.

Well, it certainly was a first.

It was, wasn't it?

We still have firsts.

Of course we do.

And you know what, I actually
feel closer to you now.

I want to know you.

Like, know your soul.

Marshall, what makes you cry?

This moment is fleeting

Because it's being chased
by another moment.

Oh, just grab my boob already.

Come on, guys, get a room.