How I Met Your Mother (2005–2014): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Wedding - full transcript

♪ ba, da, da, da, da, da,
da, da, da, da... ♪

When you're single, and your
friends start to get married,

Every wedding invitation

Presents a strange moment
of self-evaluation:

"will you be bringing a guest,

Or will you be
attending alone?"

What it's really asking is,

"where do you see yourself
in three months?

"sitting next to
your girlfriend,

Or hitting on a bridesmaid?"

I always checked
that I was bringing a guest.

I was an optimist.

Who the hell am I gonna
bring to this wedding?

Ted, have you ignored
all my teachings?

For the most
part, yeah.

No, you don't bring
a date to a wedding.

That's like bringing
a deer carcass

On a hunting trip.

Oh, ted. Oh, ted.
No-- no date.

Deer carcass?
Really?

That's the metaphor
you're going with here?

Ted, it's a simile.

Well, it's
too late now.

If I don't
bring a date,

A $200 piece
of chicken/salmon
will go uneaten.

I got to bring
someone, but who?

Of course, I knew
who I wanted to bring.

Robin-- the big unanswered
question in my life.

Problem was, she was dating

This really rich guy
named derek.

Derek.

Well, derek and I just broke up.

Oh, no,
that's terrible!

Oh...
Are you okay?

Yeah, do you need
a drink or something?
Nah...

We never
really clicked.

I felt bad, though.
He was pretty bummed.

Ah, don't beat
yourself up.

He'll be fine.

I mean, the guy's,
like, a billionaire.

He can put
his platinum card

On a fishing line

And reel in ten chicks
hotter than you.

Thanks. I feel
a lot better.

I think I'll get
that drink now.

Okay, guys,

I got to say something.

I think my feelings for robin
may be resurfacing.

Oh, please--

They were buried
in a shallow grave.

Not again.

Come on.
Dude?

We all know
how this movie ends.

Ted falls in love,

Love kicks ted
in the sprouts,

No, you guys just have to look
at the whole picture.

Robin was into me
when we first met.

Fact:

Even though she didn't
want a relationship,

We had an amazing kiss
on the roof.

On new year's eve,
we kissed again.

Fact:

I need a date to this wedding.

Wish me luck.

What I don't get is
why is claudia marrying stuart?

She's way hotter than him.

How way?

Way way.

This wedding does sound
pretty amazing, though.

Fancy hotel ballroom,
everybody all dressed up...

Oh, here we go.

What?
We can't get

Anywhere with our wedding plans

Because I want it to be fun

And marshall wants it
to be lame.

Oh, yeah. Okay, that's
a pretty fair assessment

Of our two arguments.
I thought so.

You know what?

Excuse me if
I don't want to get married

Barefoot in the woods
next to

Lake no-one's-going-
to-drive-that-far.

Yes.

I want a ballroom,

And I want a band,
and I want shoes.

I've been dreaming
about this day

Since I was, like...

A little girl?

What up!

Okay. I'm just
saying that

It's my wedding, too,
and I should have
a say in it.

Yes, but I'm the bride,
so I win.

Well, I thought marriage
was about two equal partners

Sharing a life together.

Right, but I'm the bride,
so I win.

I mean, seriously--
claudia and stuart?

I mean,
I've hooked up

With the odd lass
who was beneath

My level of attractiveness,

But, you know, I was drunk.

There's no way claudia
has been drunk for three years.

You know,

I've always found
that the best way

To get over
a failed relationship

Is to celebrate someone
else's successful one.

Oh, it makes sense.

So, with that in mind, uh,

Our friends
claudia and stuart

Are having this crazy
black-tie wedding on Saturday.

You want to be my plus one?

Ooh... "plus one."

You make it sound
so romantic.

Fine.

You want to be my date?

Your date?

I'd love to.

How fancy are
we talking about here?

Oh, you're going to want
to bring your "a" game.

Oh, I'll bring it.

I'll bring it so hard,

The bride's going
to look like

A big white
bag of crap.

I need a dress.

You're going?
That's awesome!

Oh, my god--
four days to find a dress?

I know, it's a suicide mission.

Well, if we leave now...

We can still have
a fighting chance.

Let's do it!

Bye, babe.

Whoa!

Did you see
how fired up she was?

I don't know,

There's something
there.

And, come Saturday,
a little music,

A little dancing,
a lot of champagne...

Who knows?

Wow. Ted, you're going
to have to find

Another gender for yourself,

'cause I'm revoking
your "dude" membership.

Yeah... How was that
manicure yesterday?

Invigorating, thanks.

Okay, I wasn't going to say it
in front of the guys,

But back then I really thought
that's how it worked.

You put yourself
and a girl you like

In some romantic setting...

...The stars line up...

And shazam.

I know now that life
is never that simple.

Hey, claudia!
Huh...

Yes, I want
tahitian vanilla!

You wrote it down wrong?

No, no, no, no,
listen to me--

If I go to my wedding

And the cake is not
tahitian vanilla,

I will come down there

And burn your little shop
to the ground!

Do you want to find out
if I'm kidding?

Yeah, good-bye.

Hey!

How's it going?

My wedding is in two days,
that's how it's going.

Oh, don't worry,
it's going to be great.
I'm so excited.

Well, you should be--
lots of single girls.

Oh, well, yeah, I'm...
Bringing a date,

So I'll be
off the market.

What?

I'm bringing a date.

You're not bringing a date.

Uh... Yes, I am.

Uh, no, you're not.

I checked "plus one."
no, you didn't.

Claudia,
I'm pretty
sure I checked...

Ted, you did not
check "plus one"!

You are not bringing
a date to my wedding!

But I already
invited someone.

You are not bringing
a guest, ted!

The guest list has been
closed for months-- months!

But I checked
"plus one"!

I always check
"plus one"!

You absolutely did not
check "plus one"!
If you had checked

"plus one," I would
have called you to get
the name of your guest,

So I could have the place cards
printed up. Did I call you to
get the name of your guest?

Is there a place card
with her name printed on it?

She doesn't need
a place card.
She knows her name.

What's she eating?! Huh?!
You ordered the chicken.
What did she order?

Do you see how your story
is full of holes?

Come on, claudia,
we go way back.

Isn't there room for
just one more person?

Don't make me
hurt you, ted.

I don't believe this!

Claudia's crazy!

But, to be fair,
she's also hot.

I totally checked "plus one."
I'm sure I did.

Yeah, right.

I did!

Yeah, I don't think you did.

You know why?

Because deep down,
you didn't want

To show up
at this thing
with a date.

About being ready
for a relationship,

Deep down,
you're single.

It's your default setting.

Ted, you know what's
in the back of your brain?

Oh, great, here comes
the little barney speech.

Behind a curtain,
in a dark little room

Secretly controlling
your every move?

A little barney...

A little barney.

And you know what he said?

"Ted...

"you will bring no dates
to this wedding.

"you...

"will hit on drunk bridesmaids

With actual-size
barney."

Wow. Please stop.

I got to call claudia.
If I just explain to her...

Ted, no!
Let it go.

She's about to get married,

She's got enough
to worry about.

Then what am I going to do?

The only thing
you can do--

Tell robin
she can't come.

Just a second!

Hey!
Hey.
Listen...

Wait, two things.

I have been laying groundwork
all afternoon.

Totally subtle, totally cool,

Not pushing,
not even nudging, just:

The theme of today is,
"ted rocks."

And she's picking up
what I'm laying down.

Lily, there's a problem...
Wait, no.

Thing number two: The dress.

We got a dress.

Go.

Well?

Did I bring it, or...

Did I bring it?

I think I brought it.

Wow.

That's what I was going for.

I'm so excited about tomorrow.
We're going to have so much fun.

Yeah, about that...

I'll pick you up at 5:00.

So? The dress?

I don't have a plus one
for the wedding.
What?

I ran into claudia,
and she told me

I didn't check "plus one"
on the reply card.

Why didn't you check "plus..."?

I did check "plus one."

But robin is so excited.

I know.

And the dress!

I know.
Uh...

Okay, okay.

Well, we'll
sneak her in.

We can't sneak her in,
we're not ninjas.

Oh, I wish
we were ninjas.

I know.

You could always ask stuart.

Can I do that?

You guys have been friends
for a long time.

And it's 40% his wedding, too.

I don't know...

It's going to be
a tough sell.

Dude, no problem whatsoever.

Really?

Sure, the more,
the merrier.

Wow! Wow, thanks for being
so cool about this, 'cause

You know,
claudia said...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This morning at
the rehearsal,
claudia called

Our seven-year-old
flower girl a whore.

So, don't take it personally,

She's just
a little stressed.

Yeah, she's not usually
like that.

No.

Well, thanks, stu!

It's going to be
a great wedding.

Honey, this magazine says
more and more couples

Are opting to have
non-traditional weddings

Out in the woods.

Well, if a magazine says so,

We should go get married
in the woods,

Like a couple of squirrels.

Squirrels don't get married,
marshall.

Like you could possibly
know that.

I did it.

I did it-- I'm taking her
to the wedding.

Nice!
What? How?

I talked to stuart.

You went around
the bride.

"oh, this hornets' nest
looks harmless.

Maybe I'll poke it
with a stick."

"oh, look, some gremlins.

Let me go feed them
after midnight!"

Did you know about this?

It may have been my idea.

What?

Stuart doesn't get a say?

Ah! So you admit it--

The groom should
have an equal say.

Well, yeah, sure, on the stupid
stuff, like who comes.

So I can invite
whoever I want?

Sure, there's plenty of room
in the woods.

It's claudia.

Uh!

So it begins.

Come on, it can't be that bad.

Here, lily,

You answer it.

What? Why?

Because this whole thing was
your idea.

And... Claudia scares me.
But... But you're the...

Oh!

Ted's phone.

Oh, hi, claudia.

What?

Now I wasn't there,
but from what I heard,

It went something like this...

Oh, by the way, honey,
ted stopped by

And I told him he could bring
his date to the wedding.

You what?

...Always undermining me
at every turn...

...Try to show
a little flexibility, but no!

It's all about you!

...And your mother...

You know what?

The wedding's off!

They broke up!

Ow!

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

It's not because of me,
is it?

And my dad already paid
for this huge wedding!

Oh, he's going
to kill me!

And then he's
gonna kill ted!

Then I'm gonna
kill ted.

It's robin.

Answer it!

Uh, lily's phone.

Ted, where's lily?
I need to tell her

About these awesome shoes
I just bought.

Uh, lily's busy.

Oh, okay, well,
I just wanted to say

They're gorgeous
and ted's going to love them.

That's great, I'll tell
lily to tell me.

Uh, listen, I really
want to keep talking,

Um, but now's
not a good time,

So I'm really excited
about tomorrow,
okay, bye.

Okay, bye.

Crap, she bought
some expensive shoes.

She's really looking forward
to this.

Do you think
she's into me?
Ted, focus!

Okay, okay, sweetie,
just calm down.

Do you want to go somewhere
and talk?

I want to go somewhere
and drink!

Okay, meet me
at maclaren's.

I'll see you there.

Oh, I feel terrible.
Well, feel
terrible later.

Right now,
we gotta fix this.

Lily, you go
down to the bar
and comfort claudia.

Ted and I will go
and try to talk
some sense into stuart.

Right.
Um, tell claudia I'm sorry.

Did she seem pissed at me?

She said if there's
no wedding tomorrow,

You owe her father
$400,000.

What say we get these crazy kids

Back together?

Hi, sad eyes.

What's got you down?

Stuart and I just broke up.

Oh, god, I'm so sorry.

That's just, that's...

Two vodka cranberries, please.

You remembered I drink
vodka cranberries.

Remember?

When it comes to you,
how can I forget?

They all drink
vodka cranberries.

So... Is there anything else
you need... Sweetie?

You got $400,000?

No.

But I do have a hug.

Thank you.

Stuart, I-I don't know
what to say.

If I caused this in any way...

Ted, for all I know,
you did me

The biggest favor anyone's
ever done me.

Oh, come on, man,
you don't mean that.

No, I do-- this whole thing
has made me

Realize I miss being single.

I miss staying out late,

And making messes
and not cleaning them up.

I miss owning porn.

Dude, who doesn't?

And you know, I'll see

Some super-hot model chick,
and I'll think,

"why am I with claudia?

That's just crazy!

I mean...

You're the luckiest...

You and claudia both...

The point is I want
to get married.

I want to settle
down, but right now,

That's just not who I am.

I'm not a commitment guy;
I'm a single guy.

Stuart, you don't have to be one
or the other.

Everybody feels
this way sometimes.

Relationships aren't easy;
they're hard work.

It's about compromise,
growing together,

All that dr. Phil crap.

How would you know?
You're not even married.

Okay, ask this guy.

Nine years he's
been with lily.

He's the pro-- this
guy knows relationships.

Tell him, marshall.

Stuart,
don't get married.

Dude...
What?

Look, I'm sorry.

Being in a couple is hard.

And committing,
making sacrifices, it's hard.

But if it's the right person,
then it's easy.

Looking at that girl
and knowing she's all

You really want out of life,
that should be

The easiest thing
in the world,

And if it's not like that,
then she's not the one.

I'm sorry.

You know I don't
have $400,000, right?

Maybe we got
together too young.

Maybe that's what
the problem was.

I mean, I'm
28 years old,

And I've really only
ever been with one man.

That's just, that's...

Two more
vodka cranberries, please!

Claudia...
It's all gonna be okay.

Oh, thanks for
listening, barney.

It really means
a lot to me.

Isn't it weird
that we should...

Run into each other
like this?

Two souls, of equal levels
of attractiveness,

Both fitting together
like two pieces

Of a very
attractive puzzle.

Oh, hell, no!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

Claudia is
getting married tomorrow,

If I catch you even so much as
breathing the same air as her,

I will take those peanuts you're
trying to pass off as testicles,

And I will squeeze them so hard
your eyes pop out,

And then I'll feed them to you
like grapes!

Wait, my eyes or
my testicles?

One of each.

All right! All right!

Claudia?

Stuart.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry, too.

I love you.

I love you too, babe.

Marshall and ted
set me straight.

And when marshall told me
not to marry you,

It made me realize I...

Marshall said what?!

It's more complicated than that!

He made me realize
how much I love you.

These guys got us
back together.

Okay, I'm cool, I'm cool.

So where did we land on
the whole plus one thing?

No, no, no, no!

It took five men

And three more vodka
cranberries to subdue claudia,

But, eventually,
she graciously agreed

To let me bring robin.

Still wow.

Wow yourself.

Look who else brought it.

Oh, yeah.

I thought about
leaving it at home,

But I figured I don't want
to get there and realize

I need it and have to go
all the way back to get it.

So, yeah, I brought it.

Oh, sorry.

Hello?

Oh, my god. Tonight?

You're kidding.

They want me
to anchor the news tonight.

Really?

Like anchor anchor?

What happened to sandy?

Okay.

Okay. Sure.

What time do you need
me to... Right now?!

Oh.

Do it.

Do it.

Okay, I need like
five minutes to change,

And, um, I'll call
you from the cab...

♪ I've seen a million faces

♪ but still,
my heart embraces... ♪

So admit it.

This wedding is both
indoors and amazing.

I'll give you the crab puffs.

The crab puffs are good.

The crab puffs
were incredible.

We should totally have them
at our wedding.

Definitely... Hey.

We just agreed
on something.

Did we just start planning
our wedding?

I think that we did.

We totally have to get
that brown dipping sauce.

Ooh, I thought the red
sauce was, like, awesome.

My god, were you born
without taste buds?

What?

I love you.

♪ no, nobody

♪ like you...

Coming up, are there snakes
living in your walls?

The answer may surprise you...
After the break.

Man, you know something?

Stuart's my new hero.

If that dude
can bag a nine,

I got to be able
to bag, like, a 16.

What's a 16?

Those two eights
right over there.

Yeah.

Hi, ted.

Claudia.

We just wanted to get a picture
with the woman

Who almost ended
our relationship.

Yeah, where is she?

Um... She couldn't make it.

What's so funny?

Oh, plan a wedding.

You'll see.

Look at that.

That's how it's
supposed to be.

That right there.

Easy, simple.

It's just not like that
with robin.

It's not easy,
and on some level,

It has to just be easy.

Speaking of easy...
Bridesmaids, ted.

Bridesmaids.

By the way,

I almost forgot.

We found this.

I didn't check "plus one."

You were right.

Of course,
I was right.

I'm single.

Maybe that's just who I am.

And you know what?

I like being single.

Being single's
the best.

Yeah, stay out
as late as you want.

The whole world
full of endless possibilities.

Never having to go
to a farmer's market.

Okay.

Ah... Doing
some math here.

Table six has got
three bridesmaids:

An eight, an eight,
and a seven.

I am willing to give
you one of the eights,

Lowering myself
to a 15,

Which means
you owe me...

So there we were,
two single guys,

Doing our usual
single-guy thing.

For whatever reason,
I had let myself believe

That this night
would be a turning point,

That this was the night
my life--

My real life--
would finally begin.

The funny thing is...
I wasn't totally wrong.

♪ ba-da, ba-da-ba-ba, ba-da,
ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba... ♪

Because that night
was just beginning.