How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 2, Episode 13 - Family Business - full transcript
Sophie and her dad run a business out of Pemberton's. Charlie and Jesse meet women they like. Val and Ellen treat themselves to a fancy open house.
♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
- Hi.
I'm Nick. I think I'm your dad.
- What? How did...
- I have a camera
outside my shop.
- Greetings, sir.
It's me, your long-lost
daughter... Ah!
What up, Nick?
Who's my daddy?
You're my daddy.
A little bit about me. I...
have a great life!
Lot of good friends.
We get drinks at this place called
Pemberton's, like, every night.
But not, like, in
a problematic way.
- So, how am I your dad exactly?
My mom
is Lori Tompkins.
You guys met at Lollapalooza '91
and conceived me to Jane Says.
No judgment. I have sex
to weird songs, too.
- You're my dad. I don't
have sex. - What?
- Wait. I'm 30. I do.
Anyway, surprise!
- Wow.
You're my daughter.
With Lollapalooza Lori.
I'm sorry
to spring this on you.
- Oh. No, don't be.
I never had a daughter before.
Or a son.
I had a cat once.
That's different.
I think. Wouldn't really know.
- Um...
Wanna get a drink or something?
- I'd love that.
- I'll get you a
beer, Mr. Sophie.
- I have a better
idea. Why don't I, uh,
come to your shop tomorrow,
and we can have lunch?
- Great. Great.
But, no family discount. You can
thank your step-grandma for that.
I caught her reselling chili
dogs at her old age home, so.
- Hey, man.
- Hey...
What's up?
- Not... much...
Why
are they being weird?
- It's just Bro
Speak. I'll translate.
- Whatcha got going on tonight?
- Not much. Just... the usual.
- I was gonna go check out that new bar
on Mercer Street, if you wanna tag along.
- Sure.
- Hey, friends!
Great news.
Swish is cheating on me!
- Uh, congrats?
- This is exactly what I
was hoping would happen!
He'd lose interest, meet
someone new, and dump my ass.
- How do you know
he's cheating on you?
- Um, hey, babe, I-I
gotta get going. Um,
my study group needs
me for... finals.
- Your study group
is named Ally?
- Um, yep! It stands for...
Americans Learning
Linguistics... Yummy?
- Well, I am gonna miss being blinded
by his grandmother's rock, though.
- Oh, I know just how we can celebrate
your engagement's imminent demise.
A fancy open house!
- Oh, we have to go to this.
- Mm-hmm!
- Three floors.
Walk-in wine fridge?!
- And a servant's quarters!
These people are so fancy,
they don't even know you
can't say servant anymore.
What can I get you guys?
- Two gin martinis
with a twist, please.
- Oh. And where are we from?
- Well, London...
- Originally Cincinnati.
- Did I hear you say you're from London?
- Uh, yes, I am.
I'm Charlie. This
is my friend Jesse.
He is from Cincinnati.
Which is the London
of Ohio!
Can you
say Cincinnati again?
It sounds so elegant
when you say it.
- Cincinnati.
- You know, I call soda "pop."
If that does
anything... for you.
- Hey. How'd it
go with your dad?
- Mm...
It started off kinda awkward.
Okay. Favorite movie
on three. One! Two!
Christmas with the Kranks!
- I'm sorry. I-I don't
really watch movies.
Have you ever seen
Jay Leno's Garage?
- Hm?
- Oh.
- They say it's genetic!
You try.
- Nope. Can't do it.
Sophie...
You can't expect to bond with
your dad after just one day.
It took me, like, 30 years for
me and my dad to find our thing,
which we did last May.
We both hate wind chimes.
- You love wind chimes.
- Please don't tell my
dad. It's all we have.
- Actually, um,
I did figure out one
way for us to bond.
That's delicious.
How is this place not packed?
- Um, business has
been a little slow
since they closed the
bar across the street.
- Hm.
- We used to do huge numbers late nights.
What can I say?
Drunks love dogs.
- Okay.
So, if the drunks
won't come to the dogs,
then we need to bring
the dogs to the drunks.
We're doing a pop-up here!
Now, you say "yes." And I
say, "yay!" And then, we hug.
You wanna just skip to the hug?
- There you are!
Thanks for leaving me alone
with the giggle squad.
They made me record a voice
memo as sexy Paddington bear.
- What a dumb idea.
- Yeah, you're telling me.
Paddington isn't sexy.
I mean, he's snuggly and
sensual, maybe, but he...
- No! I mean me trying to meet women
with you and your stupid charming accent.
It's like I'm invisible.
- Trust me, Jesse, this accent is a curse.
- Ugh.
- It's all people see.
I'm just some British thing
for women to play with,
like a-a statue of Big Ben
or a tea towel with
Duchess Kate's face on it.
- What is a tea towel?
- I hate this country.
- Look, hey, here's a thought.
How about I be British
and you be American. Okay?
Women will all flock to
me, and you can be the guy
pretending to do
something on his phone.
- That's brilliant.
I think you'll find
that my accent's top-notch, old sport.
- Are you doing Michael Caine?
You're a young man, Jesse!
Right
you are, bruv. Fancy another gin?
- Not bad, my main man.
- Not bad yourself, mate.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- I'm Angelina. This
is my friend Julia.
I love your accent. Where
are you from?
- Who, me? Well, I-I'm...
from...
the town in Love, Actually.
- So, London?
- Oh, blimey!
You've heard of it!
- So, what do you do?
- Uh...
I am a bartender. Yeah.
Uh, an American bartender.
- Only 5,000 square feet?
It's a bit tight, no?
- Oh, it is. At this size,
I'd run the risk of
actually seeing my children.
Oh...
- Oh, my God.
This is
Missy Moritz's apartment!
The legendary socialite who's
known for wearing amazing hats.
She invented shapewear for dogs.
She wrote that song Ass So Rich.
- Oh!
♪ Whose ass so rich? ♪
♪ This ass so rich ♪
God, I love that song.
You don't
expect the bridge
to make you cry, but it does.
- I know.
- Val, should we
go try on her hats?
Or do you think our
heads are too big?
- I brought Vaseline.
- You always come prepared!
♪ Whose ass so rich? ♪
♪ This ass so rich, oh! ♪
- Wow.
This place is packed.
It's like Toad the Wet Sprocket
is playing or something.
- I know! I went
into Google Maps,
and I set us as an ATM
location.
- Well, hot dog.
- Oh. I think that was
your first dad joke.
- More where that
came from, kid.
- Oh.
- He called me kid!
- Put on some trousers and
say, "Thank you, Charlie."
Julia and Angelina are coming
over here for cocktails.
- Wait, really? Yes!
Oh, man. I'm really into Angie.
She's a teacher. I'm a teacher.
We both turn our chairs around backwards
when it's time to get real with the kids.
- Julie's fantastic.
I could really see
myself dating her.
- Same!
But we're locked into
these stupid accents.
It's a
bit of a pickle, innit?
Right. We're gonna
have to figure out how to switch back.
I mean, I can't be a
Yankee Doodle forever.
Oh, my God.
What if I have to choose between
my voice and my one true love?
Am I the Little Mermaid?
This is the
hat Missy wore to meet
Bo Obama!
- Excuse me!
This room is off-limits!
Which, coincidentally,
is the name of
my new single featuring
Tyga. Tell your friends.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you
are Missy Moritz!
Oh wow, you're even more
fabulous in real life.
- Aw, I know.
It's actually a problem.
It's so hard to translate
this through a camera.
Anyway, thanks. Kisses. Bye!
- We're such huge fans!
- Ah!
Both of you, get out! Okay?
I will call security,
and they are not afraid to hit
women because they are women.
- Love it.
- Change starts from the top down.
- Get out! ELLEN: Oh,
she's yelling at us!
♪ For goodness sake ♪
♪ Hippy Hippy Shake
by Chan Romero ♪
- Two dogs!
- Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
♪ Woo! ♪
- And here's some mustard!
- Oh!
- Boom! Boom! And boom!
- Yeah!
- This goes... Heyo!
- Ha!
- Oh!
- Brats.
- 'Kraut.
- Woo! Yes! Ow!
- Boom!
This is
making me want a hot dog.
- It's making me want another.
- Tonight was so fun.
- So fun.
- I really relished
doing this with you.
- Oh. Are you my dad?
- You know, this pop-up
doesn't have to be a one-off.
We could expand to other
bars. It could be our thing.
I mean, it's a family
business, right?
- Right. Except for
your step-grandma.
She opened a Wienerschnitzel
franchise down the street,
and now, she's dead to me.
- Wow. She sounds
like a real pistol.
- No, she carries a real pistol.
- God.
We look good in other
people's clothes.
- I know. Mm!
I can still feel Missy's baby
snake leather gloves on my...
- Oh, no.
Swish's grandma's
ring. It's gone!
- Shit! I bet it fell off when
we were trying on Missy's stuff!
- Okay, so you lost the
ring. We could get a fake!
I know a gal. These
earrings? Fake.
This ring? Fake.
This anklet? Nonexistent.
Because who the F
would wear an anklet?
- I can't give Swish
back a fake ring!
Come on. We-We gotta
go back to Missy's.
- We can't go back!
We were thrown out!
- Ellen, well-behaved
women rarely make history.
- Ugh. You sound like Jesse.
- I've always wanted to
be a part of a couple
known for their dinner parties
like Ina Garten and Jeff...
And Jeffrey!
Yeah,
yeah, yeah, that bloke.
'Scuse me, love.
'Ello?
What?!
Well, that
is devastating news.
- What happened to his voice?
Charlie, we can
stop practicing our accents.
They've canceled the play.
Oh, you've
got to be kidding me.
- Uh, w-what is happening?
- So sorry we couldn't
explain before,
but, uh, these are
our true accents.
You see, we are actors.
- Method actors. And we were
just using those other accents
to prepare for an upcoming play.
- But, uh, now the play's
canceled, so back to normal.
Oh.
Okay. Crazy.
- Totally.
- So, what was the play?
- It was a...
- A Tale of Two...
- Two Guys?
- Yeah! Comedy, but dark.
Also, there are
puppets.
This sounds amazing.
You guys have to
do a scene for us.
- Oh, my God, yeah, we'd love to.
- But we can't!
- No, we can't...
- Because we need... the puppets.
They're just essential
to the inner lives...
- Would these work?
- Oh, my God.
- I use them with
the kids at school.
- Great. These are...
industry standard.
We did it!
We sold out!
Having a business is so easy.
- Sounds about white.
- Uh, Sid, you just
said white instead...
I get it.
- Hey!
You thought you could
move dogs on the west side
and I wouldn't
find out about it?
- Gio. I didn't know this
was your territory, I swear.
- You didn't know?
This guy!
This guy didn't know!
- Hey!
You can't just come in here and
laugh to no one about my dad.
- Sophie, shh. Yes, he can.
This is Gio Kawalski,
the Polish Hot Dog King.
We're on his turf.
- Well, lucky for you,
I'm in a forgiving mood.
But forgiveness has a price.
- Great. I do one nice
thing for a friend,
now I'm gonna get whacked.
- Okay, who is the
Polish Hot Dog King,
and why do we have
to listen to him?
Wha... We're not even Polish!
Are we?
- Have a seat, kid.
Guess it's time for a
little history lesson.
See,
back in the day, slinging
dogs was a messy business.
Every sausage maker in the
city was in the streets.
It was open warfare.
Carts knocked
over, buns torched,
ketchup in the gutters.
- Sounds...
wasteful?
- Oh, it was. Dangerous, too.
They don't call it
"street food" for nothing.
So the Five Hot Dog
Families had a sitdown.
They divided the city
into territories.
- And we crossed
into Gio's territory.
- That's right. But don't worry.
I just have to give Gio
a taste of our action
to smooth things over. But,
sadly, our pop-up days are done.
Oh, and yeah. We're half Polish.
- Explains my love of pierogies.
- Okay! It's morning
in New York City.
The date?
September 11th,
two thousand and...
- Why would you choose that date?
- Just 2000! Just 2000!
Ha, ha! All is well!
Two... businessmen...
board a subway train.
Crikey,
I love riding the tube!
And I
love taking the subway!
- W-What are you doing
one year from today?
- What is wrong with you?
- I don't know!
- Oh, my God, I can't do this!
Jesse and I swapped accents
last night to meet women.
But we weren't expecting to meet anyone
that we liked as much as you two.
Do you hate us?
- No. Actually,
it's kind of a funny story.
- Yeah.
When we met, we were in the
middle of a scavenger hunt
for a bachelorette party.
- My bachelorette party.
- What?! You're engaged?
- Number 17 on our list was
"pick up a British guy."
We didn't actually think we'd
ever see you guys again, but...
Well, then, Julia really
liked Charlie, so...
- Do you... still like Charlie?
- I do.
- Julia, I think
I was very clear
in my detailed
bridesmaid's instructions
that no one was to say "I do"
in the month leading
up to my wedding!
Well,
Angelina, you know what?
I think this actually
worked out for the best.
Congrats to you and
the lucky fella.
- You're not my
butternut squash ravioli.
Hey, aren't you the two I found
rummaging in my closet earlier?
She remembers.
Yes! Your closet is
a dream, by the way.
- I know. It was actually designed
from a dream I had about a closet.
- Oh. Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
I-I left something
behind. A ring.
- Uh... No, I haven't seen it.
Thanks. Kisses. Bye.
- Wait, wait, wait! On your... On
your finger. Th-That's my ring.
- Uh, no, honey.
This is my ring.
And like I said,
thanks. Kisses. Bye.
- Missy Moritz stole your ring!
Wait, no, this is bad.
Exciting, but bad!
- Mm.
- What do we do?
- Uh...
Maybe we can trade
her something for it.
All my jewelry is fake, but...
this scrunchie once belonged
to Marcia Gay Harden.
We go to the same gym.
- Playtime is over. There's
something I got to do.
- Sophie, you know I hate when
you talk like Liam Neeson.
- I am going to confront
the Polish Hot Dog King
and tell him to
lay off of my dad.
- That sounds really dangerous.
- Luckily,
I've got a unique set of skills.
- No, you don't!
You have a less-than-regular
amount of skill! Soph.
Hey! I'm coming with you!
It's like you're trying
to get me murdered!
There. Eating halal on a stick.
- Ha!
And he calls himself
the Hot Dog King?
Well, wait till he
gets a taste of Sophie.
Hey! Gio!
Please don't take down my daddy.
I'm sorry.
I don't know where
this is coming from!
- It's coming from your
face. Get it together.
Lady. Lady.
You gotta stop crying.
Lady, stop crying.
I'm not Gio Kawalski.
- What?
- I was pretending to be the Kawalski
guy for my Uncle Nick as a favor.
My name's Jake.
I'm your cousin. So...
- I have a cousin...
You're not my replacement
butternut squash ravioli.
- Nope. I just wanted
to show you this.
- A picture of you in a terrific
closet with terrible posture?
No.
This. A can of red paint.
Louboutin red.
Now, why would someone
have that in their closet?
- I have no idea what
you're getting at.
- To paint the bottoms of her
janky-ass heels, that's why.
Why you're not buying red bottoms.
You're making red bottoms.
I've never even
seen paint before.
- Ooh, the gossip sites
are gonna love this.
"Cheap Missy Moretz makes
her own knockoff Loubs!"
- No! It's not what
you think, okay?
I don't want to make fake
Louboutins. I have to.
Because they don't
make a size 13!
- Oh! You're a size 13?!
- Shh! Yes! Okay?
That's why I always
wear these amazing hats.
To draw the eye up!
- How about a trade?
Our silence for my ring back.
- And you'll delete that photo?
Done.
- Pleasure doing
business, Missy.
I agree.
You know, I haven't had this much fun
since I got in a fistfight with my nanny.
Hey. I will give
you guys each a hat
for a pint of your blood.
No, no, it's not for anything
weird. Just, you know,
to keep myself looking young.
- Just a pint.
- Uh, Val?
You gotta stop giving
away your blood.
- There she is. Where you been?
- Uh, meeting my cousin.
Damn it, Jake.
I knew I should've
gotten a real actor.
Guy takes one improv class,
he thinks he's Brando.
Okay, listen.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
how to tell you that...
this pop-up thing was
really fun, but...
I don't wanna shlep into
the city all the time.
I'm happy with my shop.
- Got it.
I guess I was just looking
for a reason for us to...
keep getting to know each other
because we have nothing in common.
And if we don't have a thing,
then maybe we're just going to
drift out of each other's lives.
- Sophie.
We don't need a thing to
be in each other's lives.
Listen. I got divorced young.
I don't date much 'cause
I'm always at the shop.
I was in a toxic
on-and-off thing
with my sauerkraut supplier.
You know Sharon DiMarco?
Why would you? She's
just another lady.
The point is...
I kinda thought it
was too late for me
when it came to the whole
"having a family" thing. But...
you're a real game-changer,
kid. Best kind.
- Why wouldn't you just tell me that
you didn't want to do another pop-up?
- Oh.
I didn't want to
hurt your feelings.
What?
What kind of a person makes
up such an elaborate lie
just to avoid having a
tough conversation...
Oh, my God.
It's our first thing in common.
Last
one of the night.
I saved it for you.
Thanks for letting me pop up.
- Thanks for not
getting me murdered.
- Any time.
- Yeah, you, too.
- Hey, babe. Uh, can
we talk for a second?
- Oh, yeah.
Here we
go. Goodbye, gorgeous.
- Um, Val. Hey, look, I-I know I've
been acting really weird lately,
but there's a reason...
- I know.
And it's okay.
If you have feelings
for this Ally person...
Ally?
I-I don't have feelings for
Ally. She's my party planner.
For our engagement party that's
happening next week! Surprise!
- Am I getting married?
- What?
- We're getting married...
- We're getting married!
♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da
da-da-da ♪
- Hi.
I'm Nick. I think I'm your dad.
- What? How did...
- I have a camera
outside my shop.
- Greetings, sir.
It's me, your long-lost
daughter... Ah!
What up, Nick?
Who's my daddy?
You're my daddy.
A little bit about me. I...
have a great life!
Lot of good friends.
We get drinks at this place called
Pemberton's, like, every night.
But not, like, in
a problematic way.
- So, how am I your dad exactly?
My mom
is Lori Tompkins.
You guys met at Lollapalooza '91
and conceived me to Jane Says.
No judgment. I have sex
to weird songs, too.
- You're my dad. I don't
have sex. - What?
- Wait. I'm 30. I do.
Anyway, surprise!
- Wow.
You're my daughter.
With Lollapalooza Lori.
I'm sorry
to spring this on you.
- Oh. No, don't be.
I never had a daughter before.
Or a son.
I had a cat once.
That's different.
I think. Wouldn't really know.
- Um...
Wanna get a drink or something?
- I'd love that.
- I'll get you a
beer, Mr. Sophie.
- I have a better
idea. Why don't I, uh,
come to your shop tomorrow,
and we can have lunch?
- Great. Great.
But, no family discount. You can
thank your step-grandma for that.
I caught her reselling chili
dogs at her old age home, so.
- Hey, man.
- Hey...
What's up?
- Not... much...
Why
are they being weird?
- It's just Bro
Speak. I'll translate.
- Whatcha got going on tonight?
- Not much. Just... the usual.
- I was gonna go check out that new bar
on Mercer Street, if you wanna tag along.
- Sure.
- Hey, friends!
Great news.
Swish is cheating on me!
- Uh, congrats?
- This is exactly what I
was hoping would happen!
He'd lose interest, meet
someone new, and dump my ass.
- How do you know
he's cheating on you?
- Um, hey, babe, I-I
gotta get going. Um,
my study group needs
me for... finals.
- Your study group
is named Ally?
- Um, yep! It stands for...
Americans Learning
Linguistics... Yummy?
- Well, I am gonna miss being blinded
by his grandmother's rock, though.
- Oh, I know just how we can celebrate
your engagement's imminent demise.
A fancy open house!
- Oh, we have to go to this.
- Mm-hmm!
- Three floors.
Walk-in wine fridge?!
- And a servant's quarters!
These people are so fancy,
they don't even know you
can't say servant anymore.
What can I get you guys?
- Two gin martinis
with a twist, please.
- Oh. And where are we from?
- Well, London...
- Originally Cincinnati.
- Did I hear you say you're from London?
- Uh, yes, I am.
I'm Charlie. This
is my friend Jesse.
He is from Cincinnati.
Which is the London
of Ohio!
Can you
say Cincinnati again?
It sounds so elegant
when you say it.
- Cincinnati.
- You know, I call soda "pop."
If that does
anything... for you.
- Hey. How'd it
go with your dad?
- Mm...
It started off kinda awkward.
Okay. Favorite movie
on three. One! Two!
Christmas with the Kranks!
- I'm sorry. I-I don't
really watch movies.
Have you ever seen
Jay Leno's Garage?
- Hm?
- Oh.
- They say it's genetic!
You try.
- Nope. Can't do it.
Sophie...
You can't expect to bond with
your dad after just one day.
It took me, like, 30 years for
me and my dad to find our thing,
which we did last May.
We both hate wind chimes.
- You love wind chimes.
- Please don't tell my
dad. It's all we have.
- Actually, um,
I did figure out one
way for us to bond.
That's delicious.
How is this place not packed?
- Um, business has
been a little slow
since they closed the
bar across the street.
- Hm.
- We used to do huge numbers late nights.
What can I say?
Drunks love dogs.
- Okay.
So, if the drunks
won't come to the dogs,
then we need to bring
the dogs to the drunks.
We're doing a pop-up here!
Now, you say "yes." And I
say, "yay!" And then, we hug.
You wanna just skip to the hug?
- There you are!
Thanks for leaving me alone
with the giggle squad.
They made me record a voice
memo as sexy Paddington bear.
- What a dumb idea.
- Yeah, you're telling me.
Paddington isn't sexy.
I mean, he's snuggly and
sensual, maybe, but he...
- No! I mean me trying to meet women
with you and your stupid charming accent.
It's like I'm invisible.
- Trust me, Jesse, this accent is a curse.
- Ugh.
- It's all people see.
I'm just some British thing
for women to play with,
like a-a statue of Big Ben
or a tea towel with
Duchess Kate's face on it.
- What is a tea towel?
- I hate this country.
- Look, hey, here's a thought.
How about I be British
and you be American. Okay?
Women will all flock to
me, and you can be the guy
pretending to do
something on his phone.
- That's brilliant.
I think you'll find
that my accent's top-notch, old sport.
- Are you doing Michael Caine?
You're a young man, Jesse!
Right
you are, bruv. Fancy another gin?
- Not bad, my main man.
- Not bad yourself, mate.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- I'm Angelina. This
is my friend Julia.
I love your accent. Where
are you from?
- Who, me? Well, I-I'm...
from...
the town in Love, Actually.
- So, London?
- Oh, blimey!
You've heard of it!
- So, what do you do?
- Uh...
I am a bartender. Yeah.
Uh, an American bartender.
- Only 5,000 square feet?
It's a bit tight, no?
- Oh, it is. At this size,
I'd run the risk of
actually seeing my children.
Oh...
- Oh, my God.
This is
Missy Moritz's apartment!
The legendary socialite who's
known for wearing amazing hats.
She invented shapewear for dogs.
She wrote that song Ass So Rich.
- Oh!
♪ Whose ass so rich? ♪
♪ This ass so rich ♪
God, I love that song.
You don't
expect the bridge
to make you cry, but it does.
- I know.
- Val, should we
go try on her hats?
Or do you think our
heads are too big?
- I brought Vaseline.
- You always come prepared!
♪ Whose ass so rich? ♪
♪ This ass so rich, oh! ♪
- Wow.
This place is packed.
It's like Toad the Wet Sprocket
is playing or something.
- I know! I went
into Google Maps,
and I set us as an ATM
location.
- Well, hot dog.
- Oh. I think that was
your first dad joke.
- More where that
came from, kid.
- Oh.
- He called me kid!
- Put on some trousers and
say, "Thank you, Charlie."
Julia and Angelina are coming
over here for cocktails.
- Wait, really? Yes!
Oh, man. I'm really into Angie.
She's a teacher. I'm a teacher.
We both turn our chairs around backwards
when it's time to get real with the kids.
- Julie's fantastic.
I could really see
myself dating her.
- Same!
But we're locked into
these stupid accents.
It's a
bit of a pickle, innit?
Right. We're gonna
have to figure out how to switch back.
I mean, I can't be a
Yankee Doodle forever.
Oh, my God.
What if I have to choose between
my voice and my one true love?
Am I the Little Mermaid?
This is the
hat Missy wore to meet
Bo Obama!
- Excuse me!
This room is off-limits!
Which, coincidentally,
is the name of
my new single featuring
Tyga. Tell your friends.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God, you
are Missy Moritz!
Oh wow, you're even more
fabulous in real life.
- Aw, I know.
It's actually a problem.
It's so hard to translate
this through a camera.
Anyway, thanks. Kisses. Bye!
- We're such huge fans!
- Ah!
Both of you, get out! Okay?
I will call security,
and they are not afraid to hit
women because they are women.
- Love it.
- Change starts from the top down.
- Get out! ELLEN: Oh,
she's yelling at us!
♪ For goodness sake ♪
♪ Hippy Hippy Shake
by Chan Romero ♪
- Two dogs!
- Oh yeah! Oh yeah!
♪ Woo! ♪
- And here's some mustard!
- Oh!
- Boom! Boom! And boom!
- Yeah!
- This goes... Heyo!
- Ha!
- Oh!
- Brats.
- 'Kraut.
- Woo! Yes! Ow!
- Boom!
This is
making me want a hot dog.
- It's making me want another.
- Tonight was so fun.
- So fun.
- I really relished
doing this with you.
- Oh. Are you my dad?
- You know, this pop-up
doesn't have to be a one-off.
We could expand to other
bars. It could be our thing.
I mean, it's a family
business, right?
- Right. Except for
your step-grandma.
She opened a Wienerschnitzel
franchise down the street,
and now, she's dead to me.
- Wow. She sounds
like a real pistol.
- No, she carries a real pistol.
- God.
We look good in other
people's clothes.
- I know. Mm!
I can still feel Missy's baby
snake leather gloves on my...
- Oh, no.
Swish's grandma's
ring. It's gone!
- Shit! I bet it fell off when
we were trying on Missy's stuff!
- Okay, so you lost the
ring. We could get a fake!
I know a gal. These
earrings? Fake.
This ring? Fake.
This anklet? Nonexistent.
Because who the F
would wear an anklet?
- I can't give Swish
back a fake ring!
Come on. We-We gotta
go back to Missy's.
- We can't go back!
We were thrown out!
- Ellen, well-behaved
women rarely make history.
- Ugh. You sound like Jesse.
- I've always wanted to
be a part of a couple
known for their dinner parties
like Ina Garten and Jeff...
And Jeffrey!
Yeah,
yeah, yeah, that bloke.
'Scuse me, love.
'Ello?
What?!
Well, that
is devastating news.
- What happened to his voice?
Charlie, we can
stop practicing our accents.
They've canceled the play.
Oh, you've
got to be kidding me.
- Uh, w-what is happening?
- So sorry we couldn't
explain before,
but, uh, these are
our true accents.
You see, we are actors.
- Method actors. And we were
just using those other accents
to prepare for an upcoming play.
- But, uh, now the play's
canceled, so back to normal.
Oh.
Okay. Crazy.
- Totally.
- So, what was the play?
- It was a...
- A Tale of Two...
- Two Guys?
- Yeah! Comedy, but dark.
Also, there are
puppets.
This sounds amazing.
You guys have to
do a scene for us.
- Oh, my God, yeah, we'd love to.
- But we can't!
- No, we can't...
- Because we need... the puppets.
They're just essential
to the inner lives...
- Would these work?
- Oh, my God.
- I use them with
the kids at school.
- Great. These are...
industry standard.
We did it!
We sold out!
Having a business is so easy.
- Sounds about white.
- Uh, Sid, you just
said white instead...
I get it.
- Hey!
You thought you could
move dogs on the west side
and I wouldn't
find out about it?
- Gio. I didn't know this
was your territory, I swear.
- You didn't know?
This guy!
This guy didn't know!
- Hey!
You can't just come in here and
laugh to no one about my dad.
- Sophie, shh. Yes, he can.
This is Gio Kawalski,
the Polish Hot Dog King.
We're on his turf.
- Well, lucky for you,
I'm in a forgiving mood.
But forgiveness has a price.
- Great. I do one nice
thing for a friend,
now I'm gonna get whacked.
- Okay, who is the
Polish Hot Dog King,
and why do we have
to listen to him?
Wha... We're not even Polish!
Are we?
- Have a seat, kid.
Guess it's time for a
little history lesson.
See,
back in the day, slinging
dogs was a messy business.
Every sausage maker in the
city was in the streets.
It was open warfare.
Carts knocked
over, buns torched,
ketchup in the gutters.
- Sounds...
wasteful?
- Oh, it was. Dangerous, too.
They don't call it
"street food" for nothing.
So the Five Hot Dog
Families had a sitdown.
They divided the city
into territories.
- And we crossed
into Gio's territory.
- That's right. But don't worry.
I just have to give Gio
a taste of our action
to smooth things over. But,
sadly, our pop-up days are done.
Oh, and yeah. We're half Polish.
- Explains my love of pierogies.
- Okay! It's morning
in New York City.
The date?
September 11th,
two thousand and...
- Why would you choose that date?
- Just 2000! Just 2000!
Ha, ha! All is well!
Two... businessmen...
board a subway train.
Crikey,
I love riding the tube!
And I
love taking the subway!
- W-What are you doing
one year from today?
- What is wrong with you?
- I don't know!
- Oh, my God, I can't do this!
Jesse and I swapped accents
last night to meet women.
But we weren't expecting to meet anyone
that we liked as much as you two.
Do you hate us?
- No. Actually,
it's kind of a funny story.
- Yeah.
When we met, we were in the
middle of a scavenger hunt
for a bachelorette party.
- My bachelorette party.
- What?! You're engaged?
- Number 17 on our list was
"pick up a British guy."
We didn't actually think we'd
ever see you guys again, but...
Well, then, Julia really
liked Charlie, so...
- Do you... still like Charlie?
- I do.
- Julia, I think
I was very clear
in my detailed
bridesmaid's instructions
that no one was to say "I do"
in the month leading
up to my wedding!
Well,
Angelina, you know what?
I think this actually
worked out for the best.
Congrats to you and
the lucky fella.
- You're not my
butternut squash ravioli.
Hey, aren't you the two I found
rummaging in my closet earlier?
She remembers.
Yes! Your closet is
a dream, by the way.
- I know. It was actually designed
from a dream I had about a closet.
- Oh. Oh, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait!
I-I left something
behind. A ring.
- Uh... No, I haven't seen it.
Thanks. Kisses. Bye.
- Wait, wait, wait! On your... On
your finger. Th-That's my ring.
- Uh, no, honey.
This is my ring.
And like I said,
thanks. Kisses. Bye.
- Missy Moritz stole your ring!
Wait, no, this is bad.
Exciting, but bad!
- Mm.
- What do we do?
- Uh...
Maybe we can trade
her something for it.
All my jewelry is fake, but...
this scrunchie once belonged
to Marcia Gay Harden.
We go to the same gym.
- Playtime is over. There's
something I got to do.
- Sophie, you know I hate when
you talk like Liam Neeson.
- I am going to confront
the Polish Hot Dog King
and tell him to
lay off of my dad.
- That sounds really dangerous.
- Luckily,
I've got a unique set of skills.
- No, you don't!
You have a less-than-regular
amount of skill! Soph.
Hey! I'm coming with you!
It's like you're trying
to get me murdered!
There. Eating halal on a stick.
- Ha!
And he calls himself
the Hot Dog King?
Well, wait till he
gets a taste of Sophie.
Hey! Gio!
Please don't take down my daddy.
I'm sorry.
I don't know where
this is coming from!
- It's coming from your
face. Get it together.
Lady. Lady.
You gotta stop crying.
Lady, stop crying.
I'm not Gio Kawalski.
- What?
- I was pretending to be the Kawalski
guy for my Uncle Nick as a favor.
My name's Jake.
I'm your cousin. So...
- I have a cousin...
You're not my replacement
butternut squash ravioli.
- Nope. I just wanted
to show you this.
- A picture of you in a terrific
closet with terrible posture?
No.
This. A can of red paint.
Louboutin red.
Now, why would someone
have that in their closet?
- I have no idea what
you're getting at.
- To paint the bottoms of her
janky-ass heels, that's why.
Why you're not buying red bottoms.
You're making red bottoms.
I've never even
seen paint before.
- Ooh, the gossip sites
are gonna love this.
"Cheap Missy Moretz makes
her own knockoff Loubs!"
- No! It's not what
you think, okay?
I don't want to make fake
Louboutins. I have to.
Because they don't
make a size 13!
- Oh! You're a size 13?!
- Shh! Yes! Okay?
That's why I always
wear these amazing hats.
To draw the eye up!
- How about a trade?
Our silence for my ring back.
- And you'll delete that photo?
Done.
- Pleasure doing
business, Missy.
I agree.
You know, I haven't had this much fun
since I got in a fistfight with my nanny.
Hey. I will give
you guys each a hat
for a pint of your blood.
No, no, it's not for anything
weird. Just, you know,
to keep myself looking young.
- Just a pint.
- Uh, Val?
You gotta stop giving
away your blood.
- There she is. Where you been?
- Uh, meeting my cousin.
Damn it, Jake.
I knew I should've
gotten a real actor.
Guy takes one improv class,
he thinks he's Brando.
Okay, listen.
I'm sorry. I didn't know
how to tell you that...
this pop-up thing was
really fun, but...
I don't wanna shlep into
the city all the time.
I'm happy with my shop.
- Got it.
I guess I was just looking
for a reason for us to...
keep getting to know each other
because we have nothing in common.
And if we don't have a thing,
then maybe we're just going to
drift out of each other's lives.
- Sophie.
We don't need a thing to
be in each other's lives.
Listen. I got divorced young.
I don't date much 'cause
I'm always at the shop.
I was in a toxic
on-and-off thing
with my sauerkraut supplier.
You know Sharon DiMarco?
Why would you? She's
just another lady.
The point is...
I kinda thought it
was too late for me
when it came to the whole
"having a family" thing. But...
you're a real game-changer,
kid. Best kind.
- Why wouldn't you just tell me that
you didn't want to do another pop-up?
- Oh.
I didn't want to
hurt your feelings.
What?
What kind of a person makes
up such an elaborate lie
just to avoid having a
tough conversation...
Oh, my God.
It's our first thing in common.
Last
one of the night.
I saved it for you.
Thanks for letting me pop up.
- Thanks for not
getting me murdered.
- Any time.
- Yeah, you, too.
- Hey, babe. Uh, can
we talk for a second?
- Oh, yeah.
Here we
go. Goodbye, gorgeous.
- Um, Val. Hey, look, I-I know I've
been acting really weird lately,
but there's a reason...
- I know.
And it's okay.
If you have feelings
for this Ally person...
Ally?
I-I don't have feelings for
Ally. She's my party planner.
For our engagement party that's
happening next week! Surprise!
- Am I getting married?
- What?
- We're getting married...
- We're getting married!