How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Perfect Shot - full transcript

Previously on
How I Met Your Father...

- Send your absolute best photo,

and I'll consider squeezing
you into our New Voices show.

- I got to take
the perfect shot.

- When you're a
struggling artist,

you only get so many
chances to prove yourself.

So, when a big one
presents itself,

you can't help but wonder,

"Am I good enough?"

- I'm not good enough!

All of these photos
are terrible!



- Alright, calm down.

- Hey! Don't tell a woman
to calm down! We hate that!

- It's almost as bad as
telling us that we look tired.

You think that we don't
know that we're tired?!

We're the ones
inside of our bodies!

- Do you guys think
any of these are good?

- I love this one
of a blurry tampon.

You know, what a
powerful statement

about how we need to
focus on women's issues.

- That's a photo I accidentally
took inside my purse.

- Or... is it art?

- Woo! 'Sup, fam?

Guess who's finally
recording new music

as a solo artist?



- Did Jungkook leave
BTS and go solo?

Mm, we all saw it coming!

- No! It's me!

I finally laid down some
new tracks without Meredith.

Thank you!

- Yeah,
that's also exciting.

- Hell yeah, it is!

Jesse, I am so
proud of you, man.

Can I kiss your forehead? Mwah!
- You better.

Ugh! I'm glad you're
so psyched for me

because I did max out all my
credit cards on studio time,

and I'm going to be late
on rent this month, but...

do you need any more
back rub coupons?

- No, Jesse, I got plenty
of back rub coupons, man!

- I feel you, Jesse.

I have drained my entire bank
account on rolls of film.

But, you know what?

That's just the life of a
struggling artist, right?

Like, pour everything into
our work, live on the cheap...

Here!

Have some free fruit salad.
- Ooh! Don't mind if I do.

- That is not fruit salad!

- These are my cocktail garnishes!
- And they're delicious.

- Oh hey, can I interest
you in little, uh, BYOB?

It's one of my struggling
artist life hacks.

- Hell yes.
- Oh, can I get one of those?

- Yeah, of course.

- And I wonder why this
bar isn't profitable!

- I got to go home and change

and shoot as many
rolls as possible

before Drew's big school
fund-raiser tonight.

Wasn't that so nice of him
to invite you guys to that?

He said it's like the
Oscars of public education.

Bye!

- We're not actually
excited about this, right?

Well, well, well.

Look at you.

If it isn't the most manly man

at the Jefferson
Elementary charity auction.

- Hi, Sid.

- What are you doing
here, Meredith?

Shouldn't you be out rejecting
the proposal of a young lover,

and then fleeing to Europe with his cat?
- Okay.

Of course, I could have handled
things better with Jesse, but...

you know, there's no
instruction manual

for being blindsided
with a public proposal.

Wait...

- What are you doing right now?

- I'm working on a new album,

so I try to record stuff
whenever inspiration strikes.

Wow.

What are you doing
different to your skin?

- Well, actually, yeah,

I've been using this
new alpha hydroxy mask.

It's like...

No! No. This is what you do.

You charm people,
you suck 'em in,

and then you stomp
their hearts to a pulp.

- Okay, look, I need to talk to Jesse,
alright? And I don't have his new number.

- Is he here?
- Nope. He's on a date.

With Dua Lipa.

- Jesse is dating pop
superstar Dua Lipa.

- Correct.

They met at a Shake Shack,
ended up splitting a burger...

- Dua Lipa is a vegan!

Forget it. I'll just come back...
- No!

No, no, no. Do not
come back later.

Jesse's gonna be home
soon. I got to go to work,

so why don't you
just... wait here?

- Okay...

What's your Wi-Fi password?

- It's "Meredith sucks." All
one word, "sucks" is in caps.

Ellen? Meet me at
Pemberton's. We have a code M.

- Valentina, let's go
over tomorrow's looks.

Michelle Williams' dress?
- Steamed and ready to go.

- Harry Styles' dress?
- Steamed and ready to go.

- Tilda Swinton's armor?

- Polished and ready to go.
- And where are

J.Lo's nipple concealers?

- Right here, Fred.

- These are black.
Her dress is sheer!

Do you want J.Lo's nips

to be staring out at the
world like a coked-out ow?

- Sorry. Nobody told me.

I think we have some nude ones.

- You are an incredibly
dumb person, Valentina.

- Fred, you cannot
talk to me like that.

- Oh, honey, I'm not
talking to you. Mm-mmm.

I'm talking to my
doll Valentina.

- We both know that doll
is just a weird workaround

so you can verbally abuse
me without a lawsuit.

- No, it's not. You
stupid, stupid, worthless idiot.

Oh, sometimes,

I have fantasies about
taking you to a Knicks game

and waiting for the kiss cam to come
around and land on us, and then...

firing you in front
of the whole world!

- Fred, that was
clearly directed to me.

- Was not. I was
talking to the doll,

and you can't prove
otherwise. Bye!

- At least you got
an actual doll.

- Hey, bunny. Think we'll have
time to grab a proper dinner

before this Drew nightmare.

Apparently, they're serving
pasta made by schoolchildren,

and I am not trying to get head
lice from a plate of ravioli.

- One sec. I just need to...

swipe something from
our accessories closet.

- What do you mean, swipe?

- I promised Drew I would donate
something to the auction tonight.

I was just going to grab a
random blouse or something,

but, lucky for Drew's school...

my boss really
pissed me off today.

- Valentina, that is a beige lambskin
quilted medium Chanel 19 flap.

It's worth thousands!

Men can be bag hags, too.
You're gonna steal that?

- Not steal it.

Swipe it.

- That's just an adorable
way of saying steal!

- Chill!

Nobody will ever find out.
Fred never checks that closet.

Hey, stop looking
at me like that,

you judgmental little bitch!

- Fine. Do whatever you want.
Just don't talk to me that way.

- Oh, sorry! Oh, I was
talking to the doll.

- Now, I know what tonight's
nightmare will be about.

- Hey, you. DREW
: Hi.

I'm really excited for you to
meet all my work peeps tonight.

I told them all about you.

Anyhoo,

uh, any luck getting
your perfect picture?

- Not yet.

I almost got one of a cat and
raccoon being interspecies friends.

But, then it turned
out the cat was dead,

and the raccoon was eating it.

- Oh, ew.

Anyway, I-I really
admire your hustle.

- Thanks. Oh my god.

I think this adorable old couple

is about to kiss over a
steam vent. I-I got to go.

Whoa! Ah!

Ow...

Oh thank God, nothing's broken.

Oh...

Jesse! Hey.

You don't happen to have
a cheap dentist, do you?

Thank God.

Yes. If he gives me a free
toothbrush, you can have it.

- What took you so long?! Does
code M mean nothing to you?

- Literally nothing!
But it better be bad

because I was in
the middle of doing

that alpha hydroxy
mask you gave me,

and now, I'm only half hydroxy!

I got to go even out.
- Okay, no.

Meredith is at my
apartment right now,

and she needs to talk to Jesse.

- Do you think she's pregnant?
Did she look pregnant?

- Actually, yes. She was glowing
brighter than the left side of your face.

- Is Jesse going home before the gala?
- No.

- So, Meredith's in your
apartment waiting for no one.

- Correct.
- Very good, very good.

Then, that buys us some time.

But what's our endgame?

- Well, we don't have one.
There is no end to our game.

That is a really
tight rap lyric!

- My god, Ellen, our rhymes are lit!
- Woo-hoo!

- Meredith's not the only one
who can impromptu songwrite.

Yeah, not
bad.

Jesse's still not back,
and I really need to...

Wait...

You must
be Jesse's sister.

He used to tell me so many stories
about how close you guys were.

What is that character you used
to do whenever you drank water?

- He told you about Barbara Waters?
- Yes!

- :
Today on The View,

I will be interviewing

a delicious glass of ice water!

- Oh, that is such
a good impression!

You should audition for SNL.

- Oh, stop. I mean, it
has crossed my mind...

- Ellen, you're
getting sucked in.

Oh.

Jesse just texted me. He's
back at the apartment.

Come on, we'll walk you back.

- Fine.

- : What are we doing?
- I don't know!

- Thanks again for driving me here.
- Yeah, no problem.

I'm just looking forward
to that new toothbrush.

- I just want to get in,
get out, and get to Drew.

Yikes. This place is worse than my
waxer the day before Valentine's.

I told Drew I was
gonna be right on time.

- Uh yeah, that might be tough.

Dr. Hoffman's super popular
because he's so affordable.

The only way to get cheaper
dental care is to date a dentist.

But then you gotta
date a dentist.

Okay...

- Whether the weather be fine,
or whether the weather be not,

we'll weather the weather,
whatever the weather,

whether we like it or not.

- Move over, she's
spitting all over me.

- Sorry! Just
warming up my cords.

There's an open call
for Wicked later,

and I have a really good
feeling about this one.

But my gums randomly
bleed, so here I am.

- We're not like
these people, right?

- What? No, of course not.

- Oh, I see.

Well, thanks for reading it.

Any particular reason
it wasn't for you or...

Hello? Hello?

There goes another
six years of my life.

- Hey. Sir?

You okay?
- I'll be fine.

I just really thought this novel was
finally going to be my big break.

Hey, do you know if Dr. H still
gives out free toothbrushes?

- Mm-hmm.

- So, uh, like,

are you new to the
whole writer thing?

Like, it's a calling
you found later in life?

- No. Started right
out of college.

I finished my first manuscript

the day Reagan was elected,

and I remember promising myself,

"I'm going to be
a published author

before that man leaves
the White House!"

- Ha, ha.
- And then I made

the same promise to myself
when Bush was elected.

Then Clinton. Then Clinton again.
- Yeah... Yeah...

- Then other Bush twice.

- Oh, please stop
saying presidents!

- Now, I know you
think I'm exaggerating,

but Dr. Hoffman was the
oldest dentist I'd ever seen.

- Which one of you is Sofa?

- It's Sophie.

Sofa is furniture.

- A bit louder, sweetheart.

- Sophie!
- Sophie!

- Sophie! That's my
great-granddaughter's name.

Come in the back. I'll
give you a haircut.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Come on, I'll look
at your teeth.

- Here. The bartender
said, "Say when,"

and I just stayed silent.
- I'm gonna need a lot more

than a Big Gulp of shit chardonnay
to get me through the night.

I'm an accessory to
grand theft Chanel.

- Dude, I swear no one will
notice the purse is gone.

My boss has noticed
the purse is missing.

- Oh my god, this night
can't get any worse.

Did the kids make
the wine as well?

- Honestly, my tooth
looks better than ever.

- Totally.

You look like you could be
in a Colgate commercial,

whereas an hour ago, you looked like
you could be in an anti-meth commercial.

- Honestly, I was starting to question
all my life choices back there.

We are nothing like those
losers in the waiting room.

Ow! Oh!

What happened?
- I don't know. The car just stopped.

- Ow... Is my nose bleeding?

- No, but you did
break your tooth again.

- Huh? Ah!

- I can't stop thinking about what
will happen if we go down for this.

I'll wind up in prison,
carving soap figurines

and training crows to deliver
cigarettes to someone named Big Papa.

- We're not going to prison. I'm just
gonna take back the purse before the...

- : Who's
ready for an auction?

- auction starts.

- Alright. Let's get started
with this gorgeous Chanel purse.

The bidding will start
at $500.

: 500,
500, do I hear 500...

- I gotta bid on it to
win it back, so here goes.

- $15,000!

- And I'm out.

- My mechanic said I needed
to replace my master cylinder,

.but I thought I
had a few months.

- I found my tooth!

Why would you eat my tooth?!

- That was a Tic Tac.

No, that's a pill.

- Damn it!

What if we are not
struggling artists

on the verge of our big breaks?

What if we are going to wind up like
those sad people in the waiting room,

using old presidents to track
how long we've been failures

because I've been taking
photos since Obama...

Wah, I'm already doing it!
- Okay, okay, Sophie, stop it.

Alright, I've seen your
photos. They're fantastic.

You've got a half dozen shots

you could send in right now to impress
that hoity-toity gallery woman.

And even if for some reason
she doesn't like them,

somebody else will.

- How do you know?

- Because the way you see
the world is-is incredible!

You're like this insane little
ball of joy and hope and optimism.

I mean, even today. Y-you
were eating cocktail garnishes

and acting like it
was a lobster dinner.

That's why I love
being around you,

and it's how I know the world
is going to love your photos.

'Cause you're amazing.

- Oh...

Um...

Thank you.

- No problem.

And
that's when it happened.

My perfect shot.

- Jesse, don't move.

- Why? Is there a bee on me?

I lost my EpiPen. I
couldn't afford a new one.

Oh my god, this is
it. This is how I die.

- No bee.
You're my shot.

- Oh. Okay.
- Just keep working on the car.

- Do you want me to do that cool
pose where I look up at the sky?

- Nobody wants that.

- Okay.

- Jesse?

Jesse!

: That is so weird.
He must have just left.

- Jesus. I haven't seen acting this
bad since my nana's nursing home

put on a production
of Dear Evan Hansen.

Okay, look.

If you guys really don't
think I should see Jesse,

then I guess I can tell you
what's up and you can pass it on.

- Oh my god. Can we...
Can we handle this?

- Have you met
us? Of course not!

We couldn't even handle
the Impossible Burger

because it was too real.

- Okay, in our defense, what
kind of vegetarian meat bleeds?

- I wrote a new album, and I got
signed to a pretty major label.

And the first single's
coming out this week.

This morning, I taped a segment
on The Drew Barrymore Show, and...

she called it "a certified
Barrymore banger,"

and then a bunch of donuts
fell from the ceiling.

I really do not
understand that show.

- Drew is daytime's new
darling. Get on board.

- The single drops tomorrow,

and it's very obviously
about me and Jesse,

and I think the combo
of me having a big song

and it being about our
relationship could be,

you know, a lot for him.

But yeah, m-maybe it's
best coming from you guys.

Anyway, I'm staying at the
Bowery, if he wants to talk.

- I can't believe I was your perfect shot.

I guess my middle school art
teacher Miss Duncan was right.

I do have the body of a model.

- That is a very disturbing
story from your past.

Um...

All that stuff you
said earlier...

Thank you.

- There you are.

- Hey!

I'm sorry I'm late, and
that I look like this.

I'm hoping that the-the chipped
tooth adds more character?

Like maybe I've got a
real juicy origin story.

- Mm. You know, the chipped
tooth's kind of charming.

The, um, the bird shit on your shoulder
leaves something to be desired.

- Oh! Oh god. I...

It was a long walk here.

- It's all good. JESSE: Hm.

- You missed the superintendent
but, um, glad you're here now.

You know, Jesse, that
full-time music teacher job

we talked about comes
with full dental...

- Uh, I-I'm good,
Drew. Thanks, though.

Well, okay. I'm going
to let you two hang.

- You offered him a full-time job?
- Yep.

You know, I get that Jesse wants
time to work on his own music.

I just... I don't know,

wish he'd stop chasing
a pipe dream, you know?

- Wait...

Do you think that me
making it as a photographer

is also a pipe dream?

- Maybe... maybe we can
talk about this later?

- Actually, I-I'd kinda like
to hear your answer right now.

- Look, I-I think
photography is your passion,

and that's awesome.

But I also think there
comes a time in life

when you should
get a stable job,

so you can plan for your future.

Or afford a dentist.

- Got it.

- I gotta go say hi to
those teachers. Um...

We'll keep talking later, okay?

- Well, it's official.
Fred's going to fire me.

I've worked for
that horrible man

for five excruciating years,

and I put up with him
because I told myself

that it was a stepping stone
to something great, but now...

it's all for nothing.

He knows everyone
in this industry,

and he will make sure
that I'm known as the girl

who stole the beige lambskin
quilted medium Chanel 19 flap.

- No, he won't.

Because I am swiping it back.

- But you hate stealing.
- I know.

But I love you more.

So just promise you'll wait for me if
I get thrown in the pokey for this.

- Mm...

This is so romantic!

But I cannot, in good conscience,
commit to waiting for you.

- Well...

a lovely evening. Thank you
very much. Valentina, run!

- Maybe we give him worse
news before Meredith's news,

so it doesn't seem so bad.

- Like what?
- I don't know.

We can tell him he
has testicular cancer.

- How on earth would we
know that before him?

- Oh, I love you, Bonnie.
- I love you more, Clyde!

- Don't mind them. They're in
the middle of some very intense

outlaw-themed role-play.

Where were you guys tonight?

- Something came up.
- Oh.

Everything okay?

- Sorry, it's
the tow truck company.

My car broke down on the side of the
road. It's gonna cost me a fortune.

Something tells me they're not gonna
take back rub coupons. Be right back.

- Maybe we can just tell him tomorrow.
- Yes.

Tomorrow is a perfect
day for you to tell him.

Am I good
enough to make it as an artist?

That's the question I asked myself
a thousand times a day back then.

Except when I was around
a certain someone.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Why aren't you with Drew?

- We had a fight.

- Oh. I'm sorry.
- Yeah.

Drew doesn't believe in
what I'm doing with my life,

thinks it's time for me to
grow up and get a real job...

I guess the way he sees me is...

pretty different than
the way you see me.

- Well, maybe he's
not the guy for you.