How I Met Your Father (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Episode #1.1 - full transcript
Upbeat Theme playing...
♪ Ba‐ba‐ba‐ba,
ba‐ba‐ba‐ba ♪
♪ Ba‐ba, da‐da‐da‐da‐da‐da
da‐da‐da ♪
♪ Da‐da‐da ♪
*HOW I MET YOUR FATHER*
*HOW I MET YOUR FATHER*
Season 01 Episode 01
Episode Title: "Pilot"
Aired on: January 17, 2022.
- House, call my son.
- Lights on.
It's 2050,
how does this still not work?
Call. My. Son!
And turn down the damn lights.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, hi, sweetie!
- Oh, you look tired.
- Okay, thanks for calling.
- Are you busy?
- Not really. Just finished studying.
Good 'cause I wanna tell you
the story of how I met your father.
I already know how you met Dad.
Ah, you know the basics,
but it's time for me to tell you
the unabridged version.
How many glasses
of that wine have you had?
Just enough to include the sexy bits.
Oh good god, here we go.
Now, like a lot of
love stories back in 2022,
this one starts with a Tinder date.
Excuse me.
Actually, it starts with me
being late to a Tinder date.
Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
- Uh, Sophie?
- Yeah!
- Hey, I'm Jesse.
- This is my best friend Sid.
Don't mind him, he's just hitching a ride.
Oh! Ask me why I'm hitching a ride.
- Come on! Ask me!
- Uh, w‐why are you hitching a ride, Sid?
I'm proposing to my girlfriend tonight.
Wow, girlfriend! Not gonna be
saying that much longer!
Someone's gonna be nothing but fiancée!
Fiancée! Fiancée! Fiancée!
Sophie, be a dear and choke me out
with this charging cord, would you?
Ooh, actually, can I use it
'cause my phone's belly is hungry.
She's all,
"Feed me, Mama!"
Okay, tell me everything.
Who is she?
Okay, so her name's Hannah.
She's a surgical resident in LA,
so we've been doing
the long‐distance thing
while I'm here
running my bar, Pemberton's.
Uh, look at you,
locking down a surgeon!
How you gonna ask her?
So, she thinks we're gonna go
see Beyoncé tonight,
but really, I got all our friends
waiting at my bar to surprise her.
You think she's gonna be a little bummed
that you're not actually seeing Beyoncé?
I keep telling him
she's gonna be bummed.
Okay, a lifetime with me
is better than Beyoncé.
- Sure.
- Hm...
So, uh, what about you, Sophie?
What's going on at the Rosewood bar?
Okay, uh,
I know this might sound crazy,
but I think I've found the man
that I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life with.
- Hm.
- Yeah.
Only thing is he's from Tinder, and we
haven't actually met in real life yet.
Oh, very You've Got Mail.
More like you've got unrealistic
expectations for this date.
Okay, I‐I know how this sounds,
but I am not some wide‐eyed dope
who thinks she's found true love
every time some douchey ibanker
swipes right and texts, "'Sup?"
My last Tinder date was the worst one yet.
The guy showed up 20 minutes late.
Sophie? Sorry, I'm late.
Oh. That's okay.
Subway delay?
Uh, no, actually, I was, uh...
I was on another date
before this, and, uh,
let's just say it went well.
Like, uh...
Like really well.
Like, I just had sex.
- He told you that?!
- Why would he tell you that?!
That's not even the worst part.
He actually thought that telling me
he just had sex was charming.
He thought I'd just laugh
and smile and say,
"That's so crazy!" Because,
God forbid, a woman in this city
actually expects anything from a guy,
even if it's just the basic
decency to not tell her
he just had sexual intercourse
with someone else!
What is wrong with everyone?!
And right there, outside that bar,
I decided to quit Tinder.
But when I went to deactivate
my account...
I matched with Ian.
You matched with Ian?!
She matched with Ian.
- Yeah.
- It started with
your typical flirty banter,
you know, just getting to know you stuff.
Who was your first celebrity crush?
Tia Mowry. You?
Buzz Lightyear.
Oh, an astronaut made of plastic...
Freaky!
And then we started to
actually get to know each other.
What kind of photography do you do?
Right now,
I shoot stuff like birthday parties
and engagement photos to pay the rent,
but my heart
is in street photography.
That's when you sneak up on a stranger,
take their picture, and then run away
before they punch you, right?
That's exactly right.
- What do you do?
- I know this sounds made up,
but I'm a marine biologist.
That is 100% made up.
And before long,
we were texting all day.
All night, too.
- First kiss?
- Mabel Greyhound, seventh grade.
- You cook?
- One of my favorite hobbies.
I've been thinkin' about you all day.
Oh my god, Ian,
ask a girl out already!
I was thinking the exact same thing!
So, are you ever gonna ask me
to meet you in real life?
I'd love to,
but I'm in Australia for work
for the next two weeks.
So, we made plans to meet up
when he got back,
and that brings us to tonight,
and my last first date ever.
Wow, that's romantic as hell.
I know, right?
- What does the killjoy think?
- Hey!
Look, I got a real good
feeling about this Ian guy.
No, no. I can't do it.
No, the truth is the chances of this guy
being your soul mate are lower than low.
I mean, there's a better chance of you
giving me a five‐star review
after this rude assessment I'm making.
Speaking of which,
don't forget your phone.
Ah. Thanks.
Uh, happy proposing.
Thank you.
- What?
- Ooh... You liked her.
Did not.
- Did, too.
- Did not!
- Did not.
- Did, too‐Dammit.
Ian?
Sophie!
Hi.
Hi.
And thus began the best first date
I'd ever been on.
A date so good, you don't
even check your phone.
- Whoa.
- I know.
You know, we should go see
that new movie next week
where walking Joaquin Phoenix
plays Amelia Earhart.
And then it happened.
What?
Okay, so...
Sophie, the thing is...
I'm moving to Australia.
You just got back from there.
I know.
It was only supposed
to be a research trip,
but right before I left,
they offered me a full‐time job
on a team that's helping
endangered coral reef procreate.
Can't you just...
light a candle
and put on some soft rock?
I mean, that always works for me.
When are you leaving?
Tonight.
Tonight.
I only came back to New York
to pack and sublet my place.
I know I should have
told you this sooner.
I was just afraid
that you wouldn't come,
and...
I had to meet you, Sophie.
And so,
we decided it would be a bad idea
to start a long‐distance relationship
after just a few weeks of texting
and an amazing first date.
Goodbye, Sophie.
Goodbye, Ian.
Uh...
I kind of wanna kiss you right now.
I kind of want that, too.
Uh... I think it's best if we don't.
Maybe someday.
Yeah. Someday.
I was devastated.
But at least I was coming home
to my bestie,
Aunt Valentina!
She was just back
from Fashion Week in London.
Oh! I'm so happy you're home.
I missed you so much.
We don't have time for
"I miss yous!" Dish.
How was your date with Ian? Was he tall?
- Yes.
- Was he a good listener?
Yes.
Were his eyes as kind as his photo?
Yes!
Why aren't you jumping?
Because he's moving to Australia.
Soph, I am so sorry.
Did you bang one out anyway?
Oh, at least I still have you.
You know what? We can just be
two single New York ladies
doing it for ourselves.
We can start a podcast called
"Who Needs Men?"
Ah! Yeah! Uh, about that‐‐
We can workshop the title later.
- Oh my god!
- My god!
A pervert! A pervert!
- Please don't spray me!
- I have an extremely delicate face!
- He's not a pervert.
- This is Charlie.
Okay, he's sort of a pervert,
but in a good way,
You must be Sophie.
It's a real pleasure‐Oh my god.
I'll go round up a robe.
Y‐‐ Funny story.
We me at London Fashion Week.
Hit it off...
big time.
One thing led to another,
and now he... lives with us.
So, back to you and Ian‐‐
- Wait, what?!
- I know, this is fast,
but when he told his crazy fancy
"high society" family
that he was heading to New York
to be with a Mexican assistant stylist,
they made some very
outdated Ugly Betty jabs,
and then they cut off his trust fund!
They Meghan Markled you guys.
Although, it's for the best.
I mean, who needs
unlimited wealth and palaces?
I will get by on my charm
and my street smarts.
- I can see your penis again.
- Oh!
- Stay in there, lad.
- Hm.
There my undies are!
That's right. Completely forgot
we started out here
with all the fruit play.
You might wanna toss those, too.
These were organic!
So, I said I know this is fast,
but I am super into him,
and I decided I am not
gonna let something as irrational
as rational thinking
stand in the way of that.
And that's when I realized...
I let rational thinking stand
in the way of me and Ian.
I mean, sure, he's moving
to a different continent,
but, you know, I've got tons of miles.
We can always have Facesex.
- Whoa, what is Facesex?
- I think she's mixing up
Facetime and phone sex.
I'm the cool friend.
I have to tell Ian that
ending things was a mistake.
Yes. Yes!
Tell him. Oh, I'd love that for you!
And this is where you say you love
my "British guy moves in with us"
plan for me.
Ah! This isn't my phone.
I must've taken the wrong one
when I got out of the Uber!
I've gotta get to Pemberton's right now.
- Can we come with?
- Can't wait to see the real New York.
Can we take a subway?
I've always wanted to see
what the subway's like!
So, that's what a subway is like.
Does it always smell like that?
No! Sometimes, it's way worse.
One time, I was in a car where one guy
was peeing, one guy was pooping,
- and one guy was dead.
- Ah, the subway trifecta.
Hope you made a wish.
Surprise!
Sophie! You're not Sid.
Why are you not Sid?
Because you gave me his phone
instead of mine
when I got out of your car.
Wait, so I've been
tracking you this whole time?
Okay, guys, we do not have eyes on Sid!
Everyone, back to your hiding spots.
Okay, what is Sid's ETA?
Literally any second,
so I really need you to hide.
Good, good, 'cause I'm not sure
what time Ian's flight is,
but I've gotta talk to him
before the plane takes off.
For the love of god, hide!
I freeze under pressure!
This is why I've been hit
by three Citi Bikes!
What are you doing?
- Still smelling that train.
- It's in my hair.
There's a stranger's body odor
trapped in my hair.
Um, hello!
Sorry. Didn't see you there.
I know. That's why I said, "Um, hello."
I was feeling creepier and creepier
with every second that passed.
I'm Ellen.
I just moved here from Iowa.
- Mm.
- Oh,
and I'm Jesse's sister.
Adopted, obviously.
- I mean, it's not obvious to me.
- I have no idea who Jesse is.
Have you taken the train yet?
It's an underground freak show.
We get it. You hated the train.
So, what brings you to New York?
I'm getting divorced.
- Oh...
- Oh my god, you poor thing.
Little Crescent, Iowa,
has 600 people in it,
and she was the only other lesbian.
We both knew it had run its course,
so I moved to New York to start over,
reconnect with my brother...
and ask out Kate McKinnon.
Whoa! Do you know Kate McKinnon?
No.
Do you?
- Where the hell are they?
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Look, look.
Sid is my best friend, okay?
And if he were in charge of my proposal‐‐
Purely hypothetical,
I'm never getting married,
but he would make sure
it was perfect, alright?
So, I can't have your peeking
head ruining his big night.
Alright, alright.
Why are you never getting married?
Uh, I'm never getting married
because the one girl I wanted
to marry broke my heart, okay?
- Wait a second.
- No.
- I know you.
- And here we go.
You are the guy from the video!
The video was an unfortunate incident
that had recently gone viral.
- Jesse. I'm sorry. I...
- She's gonna say no. Oh my god.
- What a nightmare.
- This poor schmuck.
- What a loser.
- What a disaster.
Now, she's in Europe,
recording her first solo album,
and I'm known all around
the city as Mr. Proposal Fail.
You know who liked the video
last week on Twitter? Michelle Obama.
How did you forget
the Beyoncé tickets at the bar?
Surprise!
What's happening?
Hannah...
I remember the moment
I fell in love with you.
It was our first year of med school,
and we were dissecting dead bodies,
and, um,
you leaned over,
and you said to me, you said,
"Hey, you know how to get to the stomach?
You take the spleen‐ic route."
And I thought, oh...
This is the girl for me.
Aww...
Hannah, I believe we can make it
through anything together.
Even if sometimes,
we take the spleen‐ic route.
So...
Hannah...
Will you marry me?
Yes!
Yes!
Oh, I can't believe I'm getting engaged
and seeing Beyoncé!
Oh...
I can't believe I'm getting engaged!
- Look at that!
- A proposal that won't haunt
and traumatize them forever.
Good for him.
- I love you so much.
- I love you more.
And I love hilarious phone mishaps.
We swapped in the Uber.
Mazel tov, by the way.
Uh, here. It's dead,
which feels very on brand for you.
Um, I'm sorry.
Mm!
- Oh my god.
- What?
There were so many men
urinating in there at once.
Just a cacophony of piss.
Wait, now you're
too fancy for stalls?
Darling, I use stalls.
That's where we keep the ponies.
Valentina, I think I've made
a terrible mistake.
I don't think I can live
in this hellscape.
This hellscape is my daily life,
you prissy royal bitch.
Hey...
Mm!
- Mm?
- Mm! One‐one second.
Alright.
Oh my god.
A lung just became
available for my patient!
Yes! Oh!
Honey, oh...
- Oh, it's all over your shirt.
- It's okay.
Babe, I am so sorry,
but I have to get back to LA.
Hey, hey. Look, my sister's
hanging out with your friends.
She's kind of a loner, so I
really want her to meet people.
Yeah. Seems like
they're really hitting it off.
- Mm.
- Hey,
as soon as my phone powers on,
I'm out of here,
but I wanted to tell you,
you can't give up on love
just because of your proposal fail.
I know that there is
a Brooklyn Bridge girl
out there for you somewhere.
- Am I supposed to know what that is?
- Because you look like
you practically moved yourself
to tears just now,
but I have no idea
what you're talking about.
- It's this thing I made up.
- Okay.
See, I've lived in New York
since college,
but I've never walked across
the Brooklyn Bridge,
and after a while,
I waited so long
that I decided I would wait
and walk it with my soulmate.
You're one of those people whose parents
actually stayed married, aren't you?
College sweethearts,
married for 30 years sort of thing.
So you're like, if they found each other,
there must be someone
out there for everyone.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right?
Yeah. Something like that.
Must be nice.
Those of us who grew up
in the real world, not so sure.
- Looks like your phone's back.
- Yes!
Aw.
Ian sent me a pic holding his
boarding pass and looking sad.
- Aww.
- I'm gonna call him.
Wait, look.
I can see all of his flight info.
Cool. He's got TSA PreCheck.
He would!
I've always talked
about getting that.
But it's like a whole thing.
No, not the point.
I'm going to go to JFK
and tell him that we're meant to be.
- Really?
- Hey, uh, can I borrow your car?
I need to take Hannah to the airport.
- What?
- Emergency surgery calls.
Seems like the universe wants me
to take everyone to the airport.
- Alright. Let's go.
- Okay. What, are you coming?
I am! Oh!
Wait!
You can't leave me alone with Charlie.
I think I hate him.
- We live with him.
- I know!
- Valentina, don't abandon me!
- I have nowhere to go!
I'll need to sell my body to survive!
- Hey, sis!
- Uh, we're all going to the airport.
You forgot me, didn't you?
What? Who could for‐‐
Yeah. Completely forgot you. I'm sorry.
And so, we all went to JFK
to tell him that I wanted us
to be together.
There he is.
Oh god, don't let this be
the next Proposal Fail.
Wait! Aren't you‐‐
It's actually Mr. Proposal Fail,
but yes.
Ian!
Sophie? What are you‐‐
I've been on 87 Tinder dates this year.
Okay, all of them were duds.
Just to be clear, I don't do,
like, sexy stuff with all the guys.
A lot of the times, I just have
a white wine and talk.
I also want to be clear
that I am not judging anyone
who does hook up on every date.
It's just not my style.
But if it's someone else's,
that's her business,
and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
This is getting away from her.
Look, what I'm trying to say is that
we live in confusing times,
where it's really hard to meet someone
and‐and‐and connect and have it feel...
Easy.
And tonight, it felt easy.
Other than the Australia thing,
which feels insurmountably hard,
but we can get through it.
I know that we can.
What do you say?
Sophie, I'd love
to make it work, but...
it's a 14‐hour time difference,
and I'm gonna be living
out at sea for weeks
on end without service.
It'd just be way too hard.
Oh, this is brutal.
I'm really sorry, Sophie.
But, maybe someday, right?
Yeah. Maybe.
♪
But I didn't
want to wait around for some day.
I'm doing it!
I'm walking the bridge
without the love of my life!
Sounded more triumphant in my head.
You walk that bridge, girl.
That... surprisingly clean and...
actually rather majestic bridge.
You don't have to pretend
to like this for me.
I'm not pretending.
You know,
I‐I really do think it's stunning.
Brimming with...
with life and personality.
Like you.
Charlie, do you know one of
the reasons I fell so hard for you?
Because my charm is all boy,
but my body is all man?
No.
It's because I thought you were brave.
You've lived this
incredibly pampered life,
but you walked away from it all.
To take a chance on us.
Charlie...
this city is magic!
And so am I.
Do you wanna be a part
of that magic or not?
I do.
Very, very much.
If Sophie can walk across
this bridge totally alone
and Sid can have
a good attitude about
his fiancée ditching him,
and you two can try to make your...
completely doomed relationship work...
- Hey!
- Ellen!
...then I can stop obsessing
over my divorce
and ask a woman out to divorce!
To divorce. To dinner! Dammit!
You'll get there.
- This is good for Soph.
- She needed this.
- What? She's gonna be fine.
- She's got her parents' magic love story
to keep her stupidly optimistic.
- Magic love story?
- Yeah.
Sophie's mom is a party girl
who bounces around
from boyfriend to boyfriend.
Her dad wasn't even in the picture.
The only thing
magical about Sophie's life
is that she still believes in love at all.
How have I never walked
this bridge before?
I told you!
- Whoo!
- Now, we're talking!
Listen, what are we gonna do for dinner?
Because it's late...
Thanks for having us
over for drinks, guys!
Yeah, of course. I mean,
hot engagement sex,
drinks with total strangers...
Two equally good things.
Wow. Love your place!
Thanks. It was a total score.
We got it from
this old married couple
who posted it
on the Wesleyan Alumni Group.
We even got them
to leave their swords.
Wow. Nice touch.
So, that's it.
That's the night I met your father.
♪ Sooner Or Later by The Grass Roots ♪
But you guys didn't even get together.
Get together? Oh!
That's a much longer story.
Now, where was I?
Where'd I put that bottle of wine?
♪ Sooner or later,
love is gonna get you ♪
♪ Sooner or later, girl,
you've got to give in ♪
♪ Sooner or later,
love is gonna let you ♪
♪ Sooner or later,
love is gonna win ♪
♪ It's just a matter of time ♪
♪ Before you make up your mind ♪
♪ To give all that love
that you've been hiding ♪
♪ It's just a question of when ♪
♪ I've told you time and again ♪
♪ I get all the love you've been denying ♪
♪ Sooner or later,
love is gonna get you... ♪
♪ Ba‐ba‐ba‐ba,
ba‐ba‐ba‐ba ♪
♪ Ba‐ba, da‐da‐da‐da‐da‐da
da‐da‐da ♪
♪ Da‐da‐da ♪
*HOW I MET YOUR FATHER*
*HOW I MET YOUR FATHER*
Season 01 Episode 01
Episode Title: "Pilot"
Aired on: January 17, 2022.
- House, call my son.
- Lights on.
It's 2050,
how does this still not work?
Call. My. Son!
And turn down the damn lights.
Hi, Mom.
Oh, hi, sweetie!
- Oh, you look tired.
- Okay, thanks for calling.
- Are you busy?
- Not really. Just finished studying.
Good 'cause I wanna tell you
the story of how I met your father.
I already know how you met Dad.
Ah, you know the basics,
but it's time for me to tell you
the unabridged version.
How many glasses
of that wine have you had?
Just enough to include the sexy bits.
Oh good god, here we go.
Now, like a lot of
love stories back in 2022,
this one starts with a Tinder date.
Excuse me.
Actually, it starts with me
being late to a Tinder date.
Don't hit me! Don't hit me!
- Uh, Sophie?
- Yeah!
- Hey, I'm Jesse.
- This is my best friend Sid.
Don't mind him, he's just hitching a ride.
Oh! Ask me why I'm hitching a ride.
- Come on! Ask me!
- Uh, w‐why are you hitching a ride, Sid?
I'm proposing to my girlfriend tonight.
Wow, girlfriend! Not gonna be
saying that much longer!
Someone's gonna be nothing but fiancée!
Fiancée! Fiancée! Fiancée!
Sophie, be a dear and choke me out
with this charging cord, would you?
Ooh, actually, can I use it
'cause my phone's belly is hungry.
She's all,
"Feed me, Mama!"
Okay, tell me everything.
Who is she?
Okay, so her name's Hannah.
She's a surgical resident in LA,
so we've been doing
the long‐distance thing
while I'm here
running my bar, Pemberton's.
Uh, look at you,
locking down a surgeon!
How you gonna ask her?
So, she thinks we're gonna go
see Beyoncé tonight,
but really, I got all our friends
waiting at my bar to surprise her.
You think she's gonna be a little bummed
that you're not actually seeing Beyoncé?
I keep telling him
she's gonna be bummed.
Okay, a lifetime with me
is better than Beyoncé.
- Sure.
- Hm...
So, uh, what about you, Sophie?
What's going on at the Rosewood bar?
Okay, uh,
I know this might sound crazy,
but I think I've found the man
that I'm gonna spend
the rest of my life with.
- Hm.
- Yeah.
Only thing is he's from Tinder, and we
haven't actually met in real life yet.
Oh, very You've Got Mail.
More like you've got unrealistic
expectations for this date.
Okay, I‐I know how this sounds,
but I am not some wide‐eyed dope
who thinks she's found true love
every time some douchey ibanker
swipes right and texts, "'Sup?"
My last Tinder date was the worst one yet.
The guy showed up 20 minutes late.
Sophie? Sorry, I'm late.
Oh. That's okay.
Subway delay?
Uh, no, actually, I was, uh...
I was on another date
before this, and, uh,
let's just say it went well.
Like, uh...
Like really well.
Like, I just had sex.
- He told you that?!
- Why would he tell you that?!
That's not even the worst part.
He actually thought that telling me
he just had sex was charming.
He thought I'd just laugh
and smile and say,
"That's so crazy!" Because,
God forbid, a woman in this city
actually expects anything from a guy,
even if it's just the basic
decency to not tell her
he just had sexual intercourse
with someone else!
What is wrong with everyone?!
And right there, outside that bar,
I decided to quit Tinder.
But when I went to deactivate
my account...
I matched with Ian.
You matched with Ian?!
She matched with Ian.
- Yeah.
- It started with
your typical flirty banter,
you know, just getting to know you stuff.
Who was your first celebrity crush?
Tia Mowry. You?
Buzz Lightyear.
Oh, an astronaut made of plastic...
Freaky!
And then we started to
actually get to know each other.
What kind of photography do you do?
Right now,
I shoot stuff like birthday parties
and engagement photos to pay the rent,
but my heart
is in street photography.
That's when you sneak up on a stranger,
take their picture, and then run away
before they punch you, right?
That's exactly right.
- What do you do?
- I know this sounds made up,
but I'm a marine biologist.
That is 100% made up.
And before long,
we were texting all day.
All night, too.
- First kiss?
- Mabel Greyhound, seventh grade.
- You cook?
- One of my favorite hobbies.
I've been thinkin' about you all day.
Oh my god, Ian,
ask a girl out already!
I was thinking the exact same thing!
So, are you ever gonna ask me
to meet you in real life?
I'd love to,
but I'm in Australia for work
for the next two weeks.
So, we made plans to meet up
when he got back,
and that brings us to tonight,
and my last first date ever.
Wow, that's romantic as hell.
I know, right?
- What does the killjoy think?
- Hey!
Look, I got a real good
feeling about this Ian guy.
No, no. I can't do it.
No, the truth is the chances of this guy
being your soul mate are lower than low.
I mean, there's a better chance of you
giving me a five‐star review
after this rude assessment I'm making.
Speaking of which,
don't forget your phone.
Ah. Thanks.
Uh, happy proposing.
Thank you.
- What?
- Ooh... You liked her.
Did not.
- Did, too.
- Did not!
- Did not.
- Did, too‐Dammit.
Ian?
Sophie!
Hi.
Hi.
And thus began the best first date
I'd ever been on.
A date so good, you don't
even check your phone.
- Whoa.
- I know.
You know, we should go see
that new movie next week
where walking Joaquin Phoenix
plays Amelia Earhart.
And then it happened.
What?
Okay, so...
Sophie, the thing is...
I'm moving to Australia.
You just got back from there.
I know.
It was only supposed
to be a research trip,
but right before I left,
they offered me a full‐time job
on a team that's helping
endangered coral reef procreate.
Can't you just...
light a candle
and put on some soft rock?
I mean, that always works for me.
When are you leaving?
Tonight.
Tonight.
I only came back to New York
to pack and sublet my place.
I know I should have
told you this sooner.
I was just afraid
that you wouldn't come,
and...
I had to meet you, Sophie.
And so,
we decided it would be a bad idea
to start a long‐distance relationship
after just a few weeks of texting
and an amazing first date.
Goodbye, Sophie.
Goodbye, Ian.
Uh...
I kind of wanna kiss you right now.
I kind of want that, too.
Uh... I think it's best if we don't.
Maybe someday.
Yeah. Someday.
I was devastated.
But at least I was coming home
to my bestie,
Aunt Valentina!
She was just back
from Fashion Week in London.
Oh! I'm so happy you're home.
I missed you so much.
We don't have time for
"I miss yous!" Dish.
How was your date with Ian? Was he tall?
- Yes.
- Was he a good listener?
Yes.
Were his eyes as kind as his photo?
Yes!
Why aren't you jumping?
Because he's moving to Australia.
Soph, I am so sorry.
Did you bang one out anyway?
Oh, at least I still have you.
You know what? We can just be
two single New York ladies
doing it for ourselves.
We can start a podcast called
"Who Needs Men?"
Ah! Yeah! Uh, about that‐‐
We can workshop the title later.
- Oh my god!
- My god!
A pervert! A pervert!
- Please don't spray me!
- I have an extremely delicate face!
- He's not a pervert.
- This is Charlie.
Okay, he's sort of a pervert,
but in a good way,
You must be Sophie.
It's a real pleasure‐Oh my god.
I'll go round up a robe.
Y‐‐ Funny story.
We me at London Fashion Week.
Hit it off...
big time.
One thing led to another,
and now he... lives with us.
So, back to you and Ian‐‐
- Wait, what?!
- I know, this is fast,
but when he told his crazy fancy
"high society" family
that he was heading to New York
to be with a Mexican assistant stylist,
they made some very
outdated Ugly Betty jabs,
and then they cut off his trust fund!
They Meghan Markled you guys.
Although, it's for the best.
I mean, who needs
unlimited wealth and palaces?
I will get by on my charm
and my street smarts.
- I can see your penis again.
- Oh!
- Stay in there, lad.
- Hm.
There my undies are!
That's right. Completely forgot
we started out here
with all the fruit play.
You might wanna toss those, too.
These were organic!
So, I said I know this is fast,
but I am super into him,
and I decided I am not
gonna let something as irrational
as rational thinking
stand in the way of that.
And that's when I realized...
I let rational thinking stand
in the way of me and Ian.
I mean, sure, he's moving
to a different continent,
but, you know, I've got tons of miles.
We can always have Facesex.
- Whoa, what is Facesex?
- I think she's mixing up
Facetime and phone sex.
I'm the cool friend.
I have to tell Ian that
ending things was a mistake.
Yes. Yes!
Tell him. Oh, I'd love that for you!
And this is where you say you love
my "British guy moves in with us"
plan for me.
Ah! This isn't my phone.
I must've taken the wrong one
when I got out of the Uber!
I've gotta get to Pemberton's right now.
- Can we come with?
- Can't wait to see the real New York.
Can we take a subway?
I've always wanted to see
what the subway's like!
So, that's what a subway is like.
Does it always smell like that?
No! Sometimes, it's way worse.
One time, I was in a car where one guy
was peeing, one guy was pooping,
- and one guy was dead.
- Ah, the subway trifecta.
Hope you made a wish.
Surprise!
Sophie! You're not Sid.
Why are you not Sid?
Because you gave me his phone
instead of mine
when I got out of your car.
Wait, so I've been
tracking you this whole time?
Okay, guys, we do not have eyes on Sid!
Everyone, back to your hiding spots.
Okay, what is Sid's ETA?
Literally any second,
so I really need you to hide.
Good, good, 'cause I'm not sure
what time Ian's flight is,
but I've gotta talk to him
before the plane takes off.
For the love of god, hide!
I freeze under pressure!
This is why I've been hit
by three Citi Bikes!
What are you doing?
- Still smelling that train.
- It's in my hair.
There's a stranger's body odor
trapped in my hair.
Um, hello!
Sorry. Didn't see you there.
I know. That's why I said, "Um, hello."
I was feeling creepier and creepier
with every second that passed.
I'm Ellen.
I just moved here from Iowa.
- Mm.
- Oh,
and I'm Jesse's sister.
Adopted, obviously.
- I mean, it's not obvious to me.
- I have no idea who Jesse is.
Have you taken the train yet?
It's an underground freak show.
We get it. You hated the train.
So, what brings you to New York?
I'm getting divorced.
- Oh...
- Oh my god, you poor thing.
Little Crescent, Iowa,
has 600 people in it,
and she was the only other lesbian.
We both knew it had run its course,
so I moved to New York to start over,
reconnect with my brother...
and ask out Kate McKinnon.
Whoa! Do you know Kate McKinnon?
No.
Do you?
- Where the hell are they?
- Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Look, look.
Sid is my best friend, okay?
And if he were in charge of my proposal‐‐
Purely hypothetical,
I'm never getting married,
but he would make sure
it was perfect, alright?
So, I can't have your peeking
head ruining his big night.
Alright, alright.
Why are you never getting married?
Uh, I'm never getting married
because the one girl I wanted
to marry broke my heart, okay?
- Wait a second.
- No.
- I know you.
- And here we go.
You are the guy from the video!
The video was an unfortunate incident
that had recently gone viral.
- Jesse. I'm sorry. I...
- She's gonna say no. Oh my god.
- What a nightmare.
- This poor schmuck.
- What a loser.
- What a disaster.
Now, she's in Europe,
recording her first solo album,
and I'm known all around
the city as Mr. Proposal Fail.
You know who liked the video
last week on Twitter? Michelle Obama.
How did you forget
the Beyoncé tickets at the bar?
Surprise!
What's happening?
Hannah...
I remember the moment
I fell in love with you.
It was our first year of med school,
and we were dissecting dead bodies,
and, um,
you leaned over,
and you said to me, you said,
"Hey, you know how to get to the stomach?
You take the spleen‐ic route."
And I thought, oh...
This is the girl for me.
Aww...
Hannah, I believe we can make it
through anything together.
Even if sometimes,
we take the spleen‐ic route.
So...
Hannah...
Will you marry me?
Yes!
Yes!
Oh, I can't believe I'm getting engaged
and seeing Beyoncé!
Oh...
I can't believe I'm getting engaged!
- Look at that!
- A proposal that won't haunt
and traumatize them forever.
Good for him.
- I love you so much.
- I love you more.
And I love hilarious phone mishaps.
We swapped in the Uber.
Mazel tov, by the way.
Uh, here. It's dead,
which feels very on brand for you.
Um, I'm sorry.
Mm!
- Oh my god.
- What?
There were so many men
urinating in there at once.
Just a cacophony of piss.
Wait, now you're
too fancy for stalls?
Darling, I use stalls.
That's where we keep the ponies.
Valentina, I think I've made
a terrible mistake.
I don't think I can live
in this hellscape.
This hellscape is my daily life,
you prissy royal bitch.
Hey...
Mm!
- Mm?
- Mm! One‐one second.
Alright.
Oh my god.
A lung just became
available for my patient!
Yes! Oh!
Honey, oh...
- Oh, it's all over your shirt.
- It's okay.
Babe, I am so sorry,
but I have to get back to LA.
Hey, hey. Look, my sister's
hanging out with your friends.
She's kind of a loner, so I
really want her to meet people.
Yeah. Seems like
they're really hitting it off.
- Mm.
- Hey,
as soon as my phone powers on,
I'm out of here,
but I wanted to tell you,
you can't give up on love
just because of your proposal fail.
I know that there is
a Brooklyn Bridge girl
out there for you somewhere.
- Am I supposed to know what that is?
- Because you look like
you practically moved yourself
to tears just now,
but I have no idea
what you're talking about.
- It's this thing I made up.
- Okay.
See, I've lived in New York
since college,
but I've never walked across
the Brooklyn Bridge,
and after a while,
I waited so long
that I decided I would wait
and walk it with my soulmate.
You're one of those people whose parents
actually stayed married, aren't you?
College sweethearts,
married for 30 years sort of thing.
So you're like, if they found each other,
there must be someone
out there for everyone.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Right?
Yeah. Something like that.
Must be nice.
Those of us who grew up
in the real world, not so sure.
- Looks like your phone's back.
- Yes!
Aw.
Ian sent me a pic holding his
boarding pass and looking sad.
- Aww.
- I'm gonna call him.
Wait, look.
I can see all of his flight info.
Cool. He's got TSA PreCheck.
He would!
I've always talked
about getting that.
But it's like a whole thing.
No, not the point.
I'm going to go to JFK
and tell him that we're meant to be.
- Really?
- Hey, uh, can I borrow your car?
I need to take Hannah to the airport.
- What?
- Emergency surgery calls.
Seems like the universe wants me
to take everyone to the airport.
- Alright. Let's go.
- Okay. What, are you coming?
I am! Oh!
Wait!
You can't leave me alone with Charlie.
I think I hate him.
- We live with him.
- I know!
- Valentina, don't abandon me!
- I have nowhere to go!
I'll need to sell my body to survive!
- Hey, sis!
- Uh, we're all going to the airport.
You forgot me, didn't you?
What? Who could for‐‐
Yeah. Completely forgot you. I'm sorry.
And so, we all went to JFK
to tell him that I wanted us
to be together.
There he is.
Oh god, don't let this be
the next Proposal Fail.
Wait! Aren't you‐‐
It's actually Mr. Proposal Fail,
but yes.
Ian!
Sophie? What are you‐‐
I've been on 87 Tinder dates this year.
Okay, all of them were duds.
Just to be clear, I don't do,
like, sexy stuff with all the guys.
A lot of the times, I just have
a white wine and talk.
I also want to be clear
that I am not judging anyone
who does hook up on every date.
It's just not my style.
But if it's someone else's,
that's her business,
and it's nothing to be ashamed of.
This is getting away from her.
Look, what I'm trying to say is that
we live in confusing times,
where it's really hard to meet someone
and‐and‐and connect and have it feel...
Easy.
And tonight, it felt easy.
Other than the Australia thing,
which feels insurmountably hard,
but we can get through it.
I know that we can.
What do you say?
Sophie, I'd love
to make it work, but...
it's a 14‐hour time difference,
and I'm gonna be living
out at sea for weeks
on end without service.
It'd just be way too hard.
Oh, this is brutal.
I'm really sorry, Sophie.
But, maybe someday, right?
Yeah. Maybe.
♪
But I didn't
want to wait around for some day.
I'm doing it!
I'm walking the bridge
without the love of my life!
Sounded more triumphant in my head.
You walk that bridge, girl.
That... surprisingly clean and...
actually rather majestic bridge.
You don't have to pretend
to like this for me.
I'm not pretending.
You know,
I‐I really do think it's stunning.
Brimming with...
with life and personality.
Like you.
Charlie, do you know one of
the reasons I fell so hard for you?
Because my charm is all boy,
but my body is all man?
No.
It's because I thought you were brave.
You've lived this
incredibly pampered life,
but you walked away from it all.
To take a chance on us.
Charlie...
this city is magic!
And so am I.
Do you wanna be a part
of that magic or not?
I do.
Very, very much.
If Sophie can walk across
this bridge totally alone
and Sid can have
a good attitude about
his fiancée ditching him,
and you two can try to make your...
completely doomed relationship work...
- Hey!
- Ellen!
...then I can stop obsessing
over my divorce
and ask a woman out to divorce!
To divorce. To dinner! Dammit!
You'll get there.
- This is good for Soph.
- She needed this.
- What? She's gonna be fine.
- She's got her parents' magic love story
to keep her stupidly optimistic.
- Magic love story?
- Yeah.
Sophie's mom is a party girl
who bounces around
from boyfriend to boyfriend.
Her dad wasn't even in the picture.
The only thing
magical about Sophie's life
is that she still believes in love at all.
How have I never walked
this bridge before?
I told you!
- Whoo!
- Now, we're talking!
Listen, what are we gonna do for dinner?
Because it's late...
Thanks for having us
over for drinks, guys!
Yeah, of course. I mean,
hot engagement sex,
drinks with total strangers...
Two equally good things.
Wow. Love your place!
Thanks. It was a total score.
We got it from
this old married couple
who posted it
on the Wesleyan Alumni Group.
We even got them
to leave their swords.
Wow. Nice touch.
So, that's it.
That's the night I met your father.
♪ Sooner Or Later by The Grass Roots ♪
But you guys didn't even get together.
Get together? Oh!
That's a much longer story.
Now, where was I?
Where'd I put that bottle of wine?
♪ Sooner or later,
love is gonna get you ♪
♪ Sooner or later, girl,
you've got to give in ♪
♪ Sooner or later,
love is gonna let you ♪
♪ Sooner or later,
love is gonna win ♪
♪ It's just a matter of time ♪
♪ Before you make up your mind ♪
♪ To give all that love
that you've been hiding ♪
♪ It's just a question of when ♪
♪ I've told you time and again ♪
♪ I get all the love you've been denying ♪
♪ Sooner or later,
love is gonna get you... ♪