How Do You Want Me? (1998–1999): Season 1, Episode 4 - Woof - full transcript
(Squeaky yapping)
Good dog! Happy, happy, woof, woof! Yes.
Cats! Tea time! Look.
Look. Bone! Good thing.
That's it, yes. And...smile.
? (Yapping)
? Or whatever.
Wait a minute.
Jolly good.
Mmm. It's got lots of pizzazz.
And pockets.
? For things.
? It's a very good choice.
It's those checks.
It really brings out your colouring.
? Hi. Won't be long. I'm just closing a sale.
? No worries.
Don't turn round.
My mum and dad are riding up the road
on nice, shiny bicycles.
? Why?
? Dad was told to exercise. His heart.
? Your dad has a heart? Interesting suggestion.
? Ha ha.
? Greeting, smile or cool acknowledgement?
? Peggy Nolan, cool acknowledgement.
Thank you, Clarice.
Pizza triangles?
Don't get muddled. We're the League
Of Ponies, not the Pony Club.
We broke away.
We wanted something harder edged.
How were they not...? Horses with shades
and guns? Why were they not harder edged?
Oh, you know! Well, Club never took
ponies out into the community.
We want everyone to have access to a pony.
So they're like the Germany of
pony organisations and you're the Sweden.
? Pizza triangles.
? Yum yum, delish. Thanks.
No, thanks.
Thanks.
? Tizzy Leigh?Barrett went back to Club...
? Oh, no.
..which was a bit of a disaster for us financially,
so we need funds quite urgently.
We'll be there. Who's doing a turn?
The curate's finally agreed to sing Edelweiss,
which is great. And it's not funny.
? I've been working round the clock on this!
? Oh, I know. I'm sorry.
The line?up is dull, isn't it?
What about that guy who used to dance
with paint tins on his feet?
? Noel Nettles. Doesn't do it any more. I asked.
? What? Is he touring? Doing movies?
? No, he doesn't do it any more.
? Oh.
I could do my impersonation
of Mum and Dad playing badminton.
Ooh!
? Oh, thanks, no. But Ian, you can help out.
? Do you want me to do the Roy 0rbison thing?
? No but you know lots of stand?up comedians.
? Oh, no.
Could you ask one to come down
and do an act?
Oh, please. You worked with them. Ask one.
Who's that one I like?
Erm...Frank Carson.
(Irish) ''It's the way I tell 'em.'' Jimmy Tarbuck!
Helen, I ran a satirical nightclub kind of place.
Not bigots in a basket, scampi and stuff
in some lay?by off Weybridge.
Might be a really good idea, you know.
It would show people down here
that you had another career.
Exactly. Come on.
No, it's pointless.
It's too far, they wouldn't come.
Yes, they would. A day in the country!
There's a payphone over there.
Give that famous one a call, the one who
does the sketch about supermarket queues.
Just a little try.
? No.
? Please, Ian.
For the ponies.
I can ring somebody
but I can't promise anything, OK?
? Fantastic.
? Why am I saying this?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The leaves fall in the autumn,
and they crumble and become part of the soil.
And next year, the tree sucks up
all the goodness and turns it into new leaves.
Stop it!
Turn this way.
Not you! God!
Rodents.
Yes, that's it!
(Frustrated gasp)
Mmm, it doesn't actually look like that, does it,
Camilla? Try and copy what you see. That's it.
I like the colour. Good green.
Dog faeces.
Did you... Did you see any?
Oh, right. Good use of words, well done.
? All right?
? Hi, yes. Mind the...
Oh, thanks.
I did want to say, you know,
I wouldn't have come back
if I'd thought you were gonna suffer.
? I'm fine.
? Yeah?
Really.
? Why don't you come to supper next week?
? For Ian's benefit or mine?
Mine.
Yeah, OK, why not? Supper.
? Great! Would you like to bring anybody?
? Hmm.
(Child wailing) I don't like wasps!
It's only a wasp.
It doesn't sting children who draw quietly.
(Piercing scream )
''Rose bush scratches Penfold woman.''
When will the madness stop?
Will you shut up?
Next week's headline will be good.
''London comedian mentions genitals.
Village hall explodes.''
? I'm gonna tell Mark Piggott not to bother.
? Why? Don't. It's far too late.
He's very abrasive.
He usually does about half an hour
on anal sneezing.
That's gonna go well
between somebody reciting Tennyson
and a child being strangled by their accordion.
I'm sure he can tone it down.
I'm sure he'd be pleased for the work.
He's not exactly a household name.
Household names tend to be quite busy,
and a lot of the other ones
were unmoved by our pony plight.
Oh, I thought we could have a couple of people
round to dinner the day after tomorrow.
? Goody.
? I've asked Derek.
Goody goody gumdrops from the gumdrop tree
He is over me, Ian. It's about time
you two got to know each other a bit.
Oh. Well, I won't be happy till we know one
another well enough to open a little tea shop.
I was actually thinking
of inviting a blind date over for him.
(Ian ) Just blind?
(Laughter)
? Tall people are funnier than short people.
? That is not true.
Don't tell me
Morecombe wasn't funnier than Wise.
That was a double act. That doesn't count.
? I could do an alphabet of short, funny people.
? Go on, then.
Erm... A...
? Erm...Woody Allen.
? (Honor) All right, yes.
Oh, I loved Annie Hall.
Remember when you could hear
what the other one was thinking?
It was all kind of, ''Oh, my God,
what have I just said? I must sound stupid.''
You know, like in life.
? Sorry, go on. B.
? Jack Benny.
? Do we think he was short?
? Yes, he was.
Oh.
Kenneth Connor. Erm... Ronnie Corbett.
? Which one of the Two Ronnies was he?
? The short one.
Oh, God! Sorry.
Lou Costello.
All right, all right, D?
? Charlie Drake.
? (Derisive laughter)
? I'm sorry, no.
? What?
? Short. Short but not funny.
? Very interesting early stuff.
About Japanese fighting cheese and stuff.
You should check it out.
I worked with comedians for ages,
and the tall ones were all crap.
They'd all come in and go,
''Oh, I'm tall and that's my thing.''
What do you think, Derek?
I don't care about tall comedians.
It's a stupid subject.
? Well, you must learn to care, Derek.
? Ian!
Maybe we shouldn't talk about things
that are so trivial.
? Pudding?
? (Various ) Mmm. Yes.
Jill, was it busy in the shop today?
It was, quite.
Little bit busy. Yes.
In the morning.
(Lisa ) Bye.
Here she comes, society hostess Lisa Lyons.
That was jolly, wasn't it?
I had a fine time. How about you?
Derek's getting over me, Ian.
It's really painful for him.
Yeah, yeah. I think his prizewinning performance
got that across.
He certainly got my vote as best
drippy bastard at a dinner party of the year.
Still, himself and Jill made up for it
as blind dates.
I thought they were going to raise a family!
? He made an effort.
? He didn't. He didn't do anything.
Just guppy?fished his way along.
I made an effort.
? He wore me down.
? How could you, Ian?
? Derek's trapped in this village, you know.
? I'm trapped!
He's brilliant at his job and he has to work
with the woman he loved, or loves,
who ran off with a cynic.
Actually, maybe under those circumstances,
you might find it hard to make an effort.
I mean, what would you do?
I'd scuttle back to the pawnbroker's,
pick up my spine and piss off!
(Door slamming)
Piss off, Derek.
How am I supposed to see you,
appearing out of nowhere like that?
Useless V people!
So, the heart, that big muscle,
pumps the blood round the body,
giving it the energy it needs.
? Isn't that amazing?
? I'm not having this.
? Do you think this is funny?
? Copy that down.
? Ian presumably does.
? Ssh!
? He's gone to the length of...
? What?
He put this through my letterbox last night.
It's a tablecloth with a map on it,
showing routes out of the village.
? Oh, I'm sorry, Derek.
? How do you think...?
I'm trying to teach and I'm thinking about you,
what you're doing all the time.
? It's really hard for you, I know.
? It's not fair.
I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say.
I'm gonna have to go back in.
I know, it's not fair.
It really is not fair.
(As camp hairdresser) Going on holiday
this year? Somewhere nice, hmm?
Bali. I've been to Bali.
Well, I haven't actually been,
but I know somebody who's been.
Lovely food, if you like that kind of thing.
(Car roaring up, two?tone horn blaring)
Wa?hey! Matey!
? Mark!
? Come here, you cuddly old bugger.
How are you doing? Look at you!
Look at you!
? Hi, Sophie. How are you.
? Hello. Hiya.
? How have you been?
? Good.
So, how's it all going?
? It's great. It's crazy here.
? Great. What's going on?
Oh, I'm just, you know,
cutting back the old growth.
Oh, good. Why?
Let the new growth in, I suppose.
? Excuse me.
? Sorry.
? Yeah, yeah.
? Sorry.
Wife. Angry. March.
Do you like my boobs?
Erm...
? Yeah, they're great.
? I've had an enhancement.
Oh, I see. Right, 0K.
So, what...bowl are you up to now or...?
? Oh, I dunno. K? Something like that.
? Right, right, well done.
All I know is, I need to stand on a chair
if I want to come on her tits.
? Mark, you are not gonna say that at the gig.
? You know me, mate.
I'll gauge the mood. There's an old comic
saying. If you've got good material, use it!
Hmmm.
So, what's it like in the country, then?
It's great. Smell the air.
It's like...champagne.
? I'm going to Helen's.
? Why?
Well, you know, she's having a barn dance.
Why do you think?
? Don't. I'm just feeling insecure.
? I can't hear you.
? I'm insecure.
? We tried London, it hasn't worked.
We've tried here, it's not working.
Where else can we go?
Guernsey?
? Oh, hello.
? All right?
So...how about a beer?
Er... Yeah, yeah.
? All right, Sophie, get 'em out of the boot.
? I'll give you a hand in a minute.
Right, what's this? A doll's house?
Where's Barbie?
Nice one!
? Did you take that?
? What?
? That.
? Yeah.
? That's brilliant.
? Oh, no, Lisa took that one.
So, erm...
Are you going to stay down here forever, or...?
I don't know. Forever's a long time.
I mean, I er... You know.
I'm quite happy to move around a bit.
I'm Irish, I suppose.
We like wandering about. Lisa's more...
She wants somewhere with a high street
and a pond and little gingerbread houses.
Yeah, well, good luck patching it up, eh?
Well, you have to readjust
before you're happy, don't you?
I might have to kill her parents
and she might have to readjust to that.
(Mark) All right, all right, how about this, then?
The thing about the country is,
respect to anything that begins with...
No!
So, how's London, then?
Oh, you know.
Lots of houses too close together.
? I hear Barry's doing a good job at the club.
? He's having a laugh.
? Fixed the toilet.
? Yeah, I heard that.
All right, then. (Burping)
OK. Young Farmers, eh?
Young Farmers, eh!
They're having a laugh, ain't they?
I mean, they ain't young,
and they know jack shit about farming!
(Burping)
Er...all right, fox hunting.
Fox hunting! Woof!
I don't think so.
Straw. Straw!
Excuse me,
am I missing something here or what?
More?
Right, Ian, here.
Take a picture of the new me.
Tee off on that, tiger!
Oh, it'll be all right,
now you've both made your point.
I married him. What more does he want?
Maybe Ian senses
that you and Derek haven't finished yet.
That's bollocks.
Come on, Lisa, you know blokes.
Ian can't get past the fact
that Derek's...been inside you.
? Please!
? Well, it goes very deep.
Well, it does, actually. For a teacher!
? Hello.
? Oh, hi, Derek.
We've run out of wiggly shapes
for the Weather Wombat.
? Oh, I've got a stash in my classroom.
? Great, I'll come and get some.
Janice! New haircut!
? I hear you've moved in with Helen.
? Mmm.
? Is it permanent?
? No, no.
Well, I don't think so, anyway.
No, no, no way. God bless you, no.
? The way I see it...
? (Sophie ) Oh, good. Here we go.
The way I see it, the stand?up comedian
is the natural heir to the storytellers of yore.
? Where?
? Yore.
Oh, yore.
Handing down the truths in the oral tradition,
to the people gathered before them!
Have another drink, Mark.
Sorry, but I think stand?up comedians
are the natural heirs to milkmen.
They all go round
delivering the same bland, gloopy stuff,
and...and...and my analogy breaks down there,
but you know what I mean.
? (Mark burping)
? Oi, oi, oi, Ian, Ian.
Who's this, right?
It's you.
? (Dean continues laughing inanely)
? (Ian ) Yeah.
Yes. That's Dean. He's my brother?in?law.
And he's very, erm... He's very...
? There are no words.
? Right, what are you having?
I'm having visions of marital break?up,
that's what I'm having.
And drinks?wise?
I can't, Mark. I've got to go to this hall thing.
So I'll see you in a bit.
And will you do me a favour? Will you keep it
quite tight, you know, short? Ten minutes.
You know me, mate, eh?
I'll gauge the mood.
Ten minutes to an hour, safe.
? Gauge low?
? All right, take it easy.
Pair of pints. uick.
# Three blind mice, three blind mice
# See how they run
# See how they run
# They all ran after the farmer's wife
# Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
# Did you ever see such a thing in your life
as three blind mice?
# Three blind mice, three blind mice
# See how they run
# See how they run
# They all ran after the farmer's wife
# Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
# Did you ever see such a thing in your life
as three blind mice? #
Then she smacked him in the face.
# Been through the desert
on a horse with no name
# It felt good to be out of the rain
# In the desert, you can't remember your name
# Cos there ain't no one
for to give you no pain
# La la, la la la
# La la la, la la
# La la, la la la
# La la la, la la...
? Good evening.
? Good evening.
? Where's your bloke?
? He's on his way, I hope. Where's yours?
? Oh, give it a rest, Ian.
? It was a joke.
I used to be allowed a sense of humour.
When are you coming home?
(Drunken burping)
? Oh, magic.
? Let me speak to my people.
? Mark!
? Don't worry, mate, I'm sound as a pound.
Sound as a pound.
? # ..you can't remember your name
? Wait a minute. Wait. Come here! Wait!
? Good thinking.
? # La la, la la la
(Mark) Oi! (Whistles )
Piss off!
? She's all right.
? Shut up.
Well, we've heard singing blind mice,
we've heard a very long poem and some lovely
guitar playing, which I thought was super.
(Man ) Yes! Yes!
But now it's time for the lighter side of life.
Now, a lot of you will know Mark Piggott...
Wa?hey!
? Whoa, boy!
? (Mark) Wa?hey! More!
..for his... Hold on.
..for his performance on Channel Five's
Late Live Laughter Hole.
? Five!
? Yes, that's right.
My brother?in?law Ian pulled some strings
to get him here tonight.
He's a very funny man
with a very quirky attitude.
Let's have a big Snowle clap for Mark!
Cheers, love.
Nice arse. Shag you later.
(Mark laughing)
Hiya. That was a joke!
Or maybe not. I'm in the hotel...
Anyway... (Clears throat) Hello, Snowle!
(Silence, microphone feedback)
I can wait.
It's a fine line, isn't it,
between relaxed and pissed?
Duty?free shopping.
That's a weird old...bag of potatoes, innit?
? (Giggling)
? Hello! Yeah, cheers, love.
Yeah, can you run around a bit,
spread the word?
Right, ponies.
Ponies, ponies.
Pony riding, eh? What's all that about?
Torturing little horses.
Anyway... Right.
Sheep shagging.
The thing about sheep shagging is...
(Almighty clattering)
Oops.
That's the last pony benefit I'm invited to.
? How do you think it went?
? Nicely gauged. Wry but sensitive.
? Yeah. Ran out of stage.
? Really?
? I've got another ten minutes.
? Oh, goody. Let's hurry.
(Mark) I'm all right, everybody.
Do you want me to hit Ian?
? No.
? No.
No, no. Are you sure?
? No!
? Oh.
No, you're not sure,
or no, you don't want me to hit him?
(Sophie ) Oh, useless git!
(Footsteps on stairs )
? How... How is he?
? Crashed out.
Do you... Do you want a drink or something?
Do you want a...
Ian, you don't have to get me drunk, you know.
Right. Well... Oh...
OK. Yeah. Yeah.
So, do they pull you forward?
? What?
? You know, your new... Do they...?
? No.
? No, no.
Erm... It must be weird though,
when you come round after the operation,
to wake up, to feel like people have left
shopping bags on your chest?
No.
Do they give you a chart
with the different types and sizes,
so you can look at them and think, ''Oh, I quite
like that one, maybe one of those, one of...''
? Yes.
? Yeah?
It must be difficult to choose, cos there's
so many different types. You get all the ones...
Those cymbals were hired.
Imagine if they hadn't been.
? (Doorbell)
? Who's that?
? Hi, Derek. Hi.
? Sorry to call so late.
No, come in. It's all right.
So how did the thing go tonight?
Apart from the, er..
? Very well, thank you.
? Good. It's good for the Pony Club.
? No, we're the League Of Ponies.
? Oh, OK.
? Hello.
? Hi.
I'm just going to, erm...
I'm just going to root out some laundry.
I was trying to think of a present
and I remembered you liked holly berries. So...
? You shouldn't be bringing me presents.
? Well, it's only holly.
So it's not true you lose sensation
in the nipple area?
Definitely not. No.
(Panting)
Well, I don't know what to say or do now, really.
I can't think of... I don't...
Well, Ian,
do you feel relaxed with me, or...
No, no, no.
No, if I had to pick a word, I'd pick ''tense''.
Tense, really, and excited and...and unrelaxed.
So I think we're at a bit of an impasse.
So what I'm going to do is close my eyes
and you can leave the room,
and spare me the dilemma
of whether or not to commit adultery. All right?
? OK? OK?
? Yeah.
I'm going to count to five, OK?
That must be around about three now.
Ah, all right, fair enough.
? Lisa, I love you and I'd never let you down.
? I know.
And life would be simple and easy,
but that doesn't mean it has to be dull.
If we thought both of us being primary school
teachers in some way limited us as a couple...
? It's not that.
? ..I'd get a different job.
And we'd both be very happy.
Derek, I'm married.
Oh, come here.
I'm married to Ian.
Hello.
Hello.
(Heavy sigh)
Marky?
? Are you dead?
? (Incoherent rambling)
Right.
Come on, do your duty.
Someone has to.
Woof!
Do you... Do you want a lift?
Oh, no, I think we'll be all right.
? Yeah, all right, thanks.
? Great. Thanks.
Go on.
# They can paint the blackest picture of you
# They can hate everything that you do
# They can crush you under heel
# But nothing will change the way I feel
# Love's the only thing that's real
# Nothing will change the way I feel
# Love's the only thing that's real #
Good dog! Happy, happy, woof, woof! Yes.
Cats! Tea time! Look.
Look. Bone! Good thing.
That's it, yes. And...smile.
? (Yapping)
? Or whatever.
Wait a minute.
Jolly good.
Mmm. It's got lots of pizzazz.
And pockets.
? For things.
? It's a very good choice.
It's those checks.
It really brings out your colouring.
? Hi. Won't be long. I'm just closing a sale.
? No worries.
Don't turn round.
My mum and dad are riding up the road
on nice, shiny bicycles.
? Why?
? Dad was told to exercise. His heart.
? Your dad has a heart? Interesting suggestion.
? Ha ha.
? Greeting, smile or cool acknowledgement?
? Peggy Nolan, cool acknowledgement.
Thank you, Clarice.
Pizza triangles?
Don't get muddled. We're the League
Of Ponies, not the Pony Club.
We broke away.
We wanted something harder edged.
How were they not...? Horses with shades
and guns? Why were they not harder edged?
Oh, you know! Well, Club never took
ponies out into the community.
We want everyone to have access to a pony.
So they're like the Germany of
pony organisations and you're the Sweden.
? Pizza triangles.
? Yum yum, delish. Thanks.
No, thanks.
Thanks.
? Tizzy Leigh?Barrett went back to Club...
? Oh, no.
..which was a bit of a disaster for us financially,
so we need funds quite urgently.
We'll be there. Who's doing a turn?
The curate's finally agreed to sing Edelweiss,
which is great. And it's not funny.
? I've been working round the clock on this!
? Oh, I know. I'm sorry.
The line?up is dull, isn't it?
What about that guy who used to dance
with paint tins on his feet?
? Noel Nettles. Doesn't do it any more. I asked.
? What? Is he touring? Doing movies?
? No, he doesn't do it any more.
? Oh.
I could do my impersonation
of Mum and Dad playing badminton.
Ooh!
? Oh, thanks, no. But Ian, you can help out.
? Do you want me to do the Roy 0rbison thing?
? No but you know lots of stand?up comedians.
? Oh, no.
Could you ask one to come down
and do an act?
Oh, please. You worked with them. Ask one.
Who's that one I like?
Erm...Frank Carson.
(Irish) ''It's the way I tell 'em.'' Jimmy Tarbuck!
Helen, I ran a satirical nightclub kind of place.
Not bigots in a basket, scampi and stuff
in some lay?by off Weybridge.
Might be a really good idea, you know.
It would show people down here
that you had another career.
Exactly. Come on.
No, it's pointless.
It's too far, they wouldn't come.
Yes, they would. A day in the country!
There's a payphone over there.
Give that famous one a call, the one who
does the sketch about supermarket queues.
Just a little try.
? No.
? Please, Ian.
For the ponies.
I can ring somebody
but I can't promise anything, OK?
? Fantastic.
? Why am I saying this?
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The leaves fall in the autumn,
and they crumble and become part of the soil.
And next year, the tree sucks up
all the goodness and turns it into new leaves.
Stop it!
Turn this way.
Not you! God!
Rodents.
Yes, that's it!
(Frustrated gasp)
Mmm, it doesn't actually look like that, does it,
Camilla? Try and copy what you see. That's it.
I like the colour. Good green.
Dog faeces.
Did you... Did you see any?
Oh, right. Good use of words, well done.
? All right?
? Hi, yes. Mind the...
Oh, thanks.
I did want to say, you know,
I wouldn't have come back
if I'd thought you were gonna suffer.
? I'm fine.
? Yeah?
Really.
? Why don't you come to supper next week?
? For Ian's benefit or mine?
Mine.
Yeah, OK, why not? Supper.
? Great! Would you like to bring anybody?
? Hmm.
(Child wailing) I don't like wasps!
It's only a wasp.
It doesn't sting children who draw quietly.
(Piercing scream )
''Rose bush scratches Penfold woman.''
When will the madness stop?
Will you shut up?
Next week's headline will be good.
''London comedian mentions genitals.
Village hall explodes.''
? I'm gonna tell Mark Piggott not to bother.
? Why? Don't. It's far too late.
He's very abrasive.
He usually does about half an hour
on anal sneezing.
That's gonna go well
between somebody reciting Tennyson
and a child being strangled by their accordion.
I'm sure he can tone it down.
I'm sure he'd be pleased for the work.
He's not exactly a household name.
Household names tend to be quite busy,
and a lot of the other ones
were unmoved by our pony plight.
Oh, I thought we could have a couple of people
round to dinner the day after tomorrow.
? Goody.
? I've asked Derek.
Goody goody gumdrops from the gumdrop tree
He is over me, Ian. It's about time
you two got to know each other a bit.
Oh. Well, I won't be happy till we know one
another well enough to open a little tea shop.
I was actually thinking
of inviting a blind date over for him.
(Ian ) Just blind?
(Laughter)
? Tall people are funnier than short people.
? That is not true.
Don't tell me
Morecombe wasn't funnier than Wise.
That was a double act. That doesn't count.
? I could do an alphabet of short, funny people.
? Go on, then.
Erm... A...
? Erm...Woody Allen.
? (Honor) All right, yes.
Oh, I loved Annie Hall.
Remember when you could hear
what the other one was thinking?
It was all kind of, ''Oh, my God,
what have I just said? I must sound stupid.''
You know, like in life.
? Sorry, go on. B.
? Jack Benny.
? Do we think he was short?
? Yes, he was.
Oh.
Kenneth Connor. Erm... Ronnie Corbett.
? Which one of the Two Ronnies was he?
? The short one.
Oh, God! Sorry.
Lou Costello.
All right, all right, D?
? Charlie Drake.
? (Derisive laughter)
? I'm sorry, no.
? What?
? Short. Short but not funny.
? Very interesting early stuff.
About Japanese fighting cheese and stuff.
You should check it out.
I worked with comedians for ages,
and the tall ones were all crap.
They'd all come in and go,
''Oh, I'm tall and that's my thing.''
What do you think, Derek?
I don't care about tall comedians.
It's a stupid subject.
? Well, you must learn to care, Derek.
? Ian!
Maybe we shouldn't talk about things
that are so trivial.
? Pudding?
? (Various ) Mmm. Yes.
Jill, was it busy in the shop today?
It was, quite.
Little bit busy. Yes.
In the morning.
(Lisa ) Bye.
Here she comes, society hostess Lisa Lyons.
That was jolly, wasn't it?
I had a fine time. How about you?
Derek's getting over me, Ian.
It's really painful for him.
Yeah, yeah. I think his prizewinning performance
got that across.
He certainly got my vote as best
drippy bastard at a dinner party of the year.
Still, himself and Jill made up for it
as blind dates.
I thought they were going to raise a family!
? He made an effort.
? He didn't. He didn't do anything.
Just guppy?fished his way along.
I made an effort.
? He wore me down.
? How could you, Ian?
? Derek's trapped in this village, you know.
? I'm trapped!
He's brilliant at his job and he has to work
with the woman he loved, or loves,
who ran off with a cynic.
Actually, maybe under those circumstances,
you might find it hard to make an effort.
I mean, what would you do?
I'd scuttle back to the pawnbroker's,
pick up my spine and piss off!
(Door slamming)
Piss off, Derek.
How am I supposed to see you,
appearing out of nowhere like that?
Useless V people!
So, the heart, that big muscle,
pumps the blood round the body,
giving it the energy it needs.
? Isn't that amazing?
? I'm not having this.
? Do you think this is funny?
? Copy that down.
? Ian presumably does.
? Ssh!
? He's gone to the length of...
? What?
He put this through my letterbox last night.
It's a tablecloth with a map on it,
showing routes out of the village.
? Oh, I'm sorry, Derek.
? How do you think...?
I'm trying to teach and I'm thinking about you,
what you're doing all the time.
? It's really hard for you, I know.
? It's not fair.
I'm really sorry. I don't know what to say.
I'm gonna have to go back in.
I know, it's not fair.
It really is not fair.
(As camp hairdresser) Going on holiday
this year? Somewhere nice, hmm?
Bali. I've been to Bali.
Well, I haven't actually been,
but I know somebody who's been.
Lovely food, if you like that kind of thing.
(Car roaring up, two?tone horn blaring)
Wa?hey! Matey!
? Mark!
? Come here, you cuddly old bugger.
How are you doing? Look at you!
Look at you!
? Hi, Sophie. How are you.
? Hello. Hiya.
? How have you been?
? Good.
So, how's it all going?
? It's great. It's crazy here.
? Great. What's going on?
Oh, I'm just, you know,
cutting back the old growth.
Oh, good. Why?
Let the new growth in, I suppose.
? Excuse me.
? Sorry.
? Yeah, yeah.
? Sorry.
Wife. Angry. March.
Do you like my boobs?
Erm...
? Yeah, they're great.
? I've had an enhancement.
Oh, I see. Right, 0K.
So, what...bowl are you up to now or...?
? Oh, I dunno. K? Something like that.
? Right, right, well done.
All I know is, I need to stand on a chair
if I want to come on her tits.
? Mark, you are not gonna say that at the gig.
? You know me, mate.
I'll gauge the mood. There's an old comic
saying. If you've got good material, use it!
Hmmm.
So, what's it like in the country, then?
It's great. Smell the air.
It's like...champagne.
? I'm going to Helen's.
? Why?
Well, you know, she's having a barn dance.
Why do you think?
? Don't. I'm just feeling insecure.
? I can't hear you.
? I'm insecure.
? We tried London, it hasn't worked.
We've tried here, it's not working.
Where else can we go?
Guernsey?
? Oh, hello.
? All right?
So...how about a beer?
Er... Yeah, yeah.
? All right, Sophie, get 'em out of the boot.
? I'll give you a hand in a minute.
Right, what's this? A doll's house?
Where's Barbie?
Nice one!
? Did you take that?
? What?
? That.
? Yeah.
? That's brilliant.
? Oh, no, Lisa took that one.
So, erm...
Are you going to stay down here forever, or...?
I don't know. Forever's a long time.
I mean, I er... You know.
I'm quite happy to move around a bit.
I'm Irish, I suppose.
We like wandering about. Lisa's more...
She wants somewhere with a high street
and a pond and little gingerbread houses.
Yeah, well, good luck patching it up, eh?
Well, you have to readjust
before you're happy, don't you?
I might have to kill her parents
and she might have to readjust to that.
(Mark) All right, all right, how about this, then?
The thing about the country is,
respect to anything that begins with...
No!
So, how's London, then?
Oh, you know.
Lots of houses too close together.
? I hear Barry's doing a good job at the club.
? He's having a laugh.
? Fixed the toilet.
? Yeah, I heard that.
All right, then. (Burping)
OK. Young Farmers, eh?
Young Farmers, eh!
They're having a laugh, ain't they?
I mean, they ain't young,
and they know jack shit about farming!
(Burping)
Er...all right, fox hunting.
Fox hunting! Woof!
I don't think so.
Straw. Straw!
Excuse me,
am I missing something here or what?
More?
Right, Ian, here.
Take a picture of the new me.
Tee off on that, tiger!
Oh, it'll be all right,
now you've both made your point.
I married him. What more does he want?
Maybe Ian senses
that you and Derek haven't finished yet.
That's bollocks.
Come on, Lisa, you know blokes.
Ian can't get past the fact
that Derek's...been inside you.
? Please!
? Well, it goes very deep.
Well, it does, actually. For a teacher!
? Hello.
? Oh, hi, Derek.
We've run out of wiggly shapes
for the Weather Wombat.
? Oh, I've got a stash in my classroom.
? Great, I'll come and get some.
Janice! New haircut!
? I hear you've moved in with Helen.
? Mmm.
? Is it permanent?
? No, no.
Well, I don't think so, anyway.
No, no, no way. God bless you, no.
? The way I see it...
? (Sophie ) Oh, good. Here we go.
The way I see it, the stand?up comedian
is the natural heir to the storytellers of yore.
? Where?
? Yore.
Oh, yore.
Handing down the truths in the oral tradition,
to the people gathered before them!
Have another drink, Mark.
Sorry, but I think stand?up comedians
are the natural heirs to milkmen.
They all go round
delivering the same bland, gloopy stuff,
and...and...and my analogy breaks down there,
but you know what I mean.
? (Mark burping)
? Oi, oi, oi, Ian, Ian.
Who's this, right?
It's you.
? (Dean continues laughing inanely)
? (Ian ) Yeah.
Yes. That's Dean. He's my brother?in?law.
And he's very, erm... He's very...
? There are no words.
? Right, what are you having?
I'm having visions of marital break?up,
that's what I'm having.
And drinks?wise?
I can't, Mark. I've got to go to this hall thing.
So I'll see you in a bit.
And will you do me a favour? Will you keep it
quite tight, you know, short? Ten minutes.
You know me, mate, eh?
I'll gauge the mood.
Ten minutes to an hour, safe.
? Gauge low?
? All right, take it easy.
Pair of pints. uick.
# Three blind mice, three blind mice
# See how they run
# See how they run
# They all ran after the farmer's wife
# Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
# Did you ever see such a thing in your life
as three blind mice?
# Three blind mice, three blind mice
# See how they run
# See how they run
# They all ran after the farmer's wife
# Who cut off their tails with a carving knife
# Did you ever see such a thing in your life
as three blind mice? #
Then she smacked him in the face.
# Been through the desert
on a horse with no name
# It felt good to be out of the rain
# In the desert, you can't remember your name
# Cos there ain't no one
for to give you no pain
# La la, la la la
# La la la, la la
# La la, la la la
# La la la, la la...
? Good evening.
? Good evening.
? Where's your bloke?
? He's on his way, I hope. Where's yours?
? Oh, give it a rest, Ian.
? It was a joke.
I used to be allowed a sense of humour.
When are you coming home?
(Drunken burping)
? Oh, magic.
? Let me speak to my people.
? Mark!
? Don't worry, mate, I'm sound as a pound.
Sound as a pound.
? # ..you can't remember your name
? Wait a minute. Wait. Come here! Wait!
? Good thinking.
? # La la, la la la
(Mark) Oi! (Whistles )
Piss off!
? She's all right.
? Shut up.
Well, we've heard singing blind mice,
we've heard a very long poem and some lovely
guitar playing, which I thought was super.
(Man ) Yes! Yes!
But now it's time for the lighter side of life.
Now, a lot of you will know Mark Piggott...
Wa?hey!
? Whoa, boy!
? (Mark) Wa?hey! More!
..for his... Hold on.
..for his performance on Channel Five's
Late Live Laughter Hole.
? Five!
? Yes, that's right.
My brother?in?law Ian pulled some strings
to get him here tonight.
He's a very funny man
with a very quirky attitude.
Let's have a big Snowle clap for Mark!
Cheers, love.
Nice arse. Shag you later.
(Mark laughing)
Hiya. That was a joke!
Or maybe not. I'm in the hotel...
Anyway... (Clears throat) Hello, Snowle!
(Silence, microphone feedback)
I can wait.
It's a fine line, isn't it,
between relaxed and pissed?
Duty?free shopping.
That's a weird old...bag of potatoes, innit?
? (Giggling)
? Hello! Yeah, cheers, love.
Yeah, can you run around a bit,
spread the word?
Right, ponies.
Ponies, ponies.
Pony riding, eh? What's all that about?
Torturing little horses.
Anyway... Right.
Sheep shagging.
The thing about sheep shagging is...
(Almighty clattering)
Oops.
That's the last pony benefit I'm invited to.
? How do you think it went?
? Nicely gauged. Wry but sensitive.
? Yeah. Ran out of stage.
? Really?
? I've got another ten minutes.
? Oh, goody. Let's hurry.
(Mark) I'm all right, everybody.
Do you want me to hit Ian?
? No.
? No.
No, no. Are you sure?
? No!
? Oh.
No, you're not sure,
or no, you don't want me to hit him?
(Sophie ) Oh, useless git!
(Footsteps on stairs )
? How... How is he?
? Crashed out.
Do you... Do you want a drink or something?
Do you want a...
Ian, you don't have to get me drunk, you know.
Right. Well... Oh...
OK. Yeah. Yeah.
So, do they pull you forward?
? What?
? You know, your new... Do they...?
? No.
? No, no.
Erm... It must be weird though,
when you come round after the operation,
to wake up, to feel like people have left
shopping bags on your chest?
No.
Do they give you a chart
with the different types and sizes,
so you can look at them and think, ''Oh, I quite
like that one, maybe one of those, one of...''
? Yes.
? Yeah?
It must be difficult to choose, cos there's
so many different types. You get all the ones...
Those cymbals were hired.
Imagine if they hadn't been.
? (Doorbell)
? Who's that?
? Hi, Derek. Hi.
? Sorry to call so late.
No, come in. It's all right.
So how did the thing go tonight?
Apart from the, er..
? Very well, thank you.
? Good. It's good for the Pony Club.
? No, we're the League Of Ponies.
? Oh, OK.
? Hello.
? Hi.
I'm just going to, erm...
I'm just going to root out some laundry.
I was trying to think of a present
and I remembered you liked holly berries. So...
? You shouldn't be bringing me presents.
? Well, it's only holly.
So it's not true you lose sensation
in the nipple area?
Definitely not. No.
(Panting)
Well, I don't know what to say or do now, really.
I can't think of... I don't...
Well, Ian,
do you feel relaxed with me, or...
No, no, no.
No, if I had to pick a word, I'd pick ''tense''.
Tense, really, and excited and...and unrelaxed.
So I think we're at a bit of an impasse.
So what I'm going to do is close my eyes
and you can leave the room,
and spare me the dilemma
of whether or not to commit adultery. All right?
? OK? OK?
? Yeah.
I'm going to count to five, OK?
That must be around about three now.
Ah, all right, fair enough.
? Lisa, I love you and I'd never let you down.
? I know.
And life would be simple and easy,
but that doesn't mean it has to be dull.
If we thought both of us being primary school
teachers in some way limited us as a couple...
? It's not that.
? ..I'd get a different job.
And we'd both be very happy.
Derek, I'm married.
Oh, come here.
I'm married to Ian.
Hello.
Hello.
(Heavy sigh)
Marky?
? Are you dead?
? (Incoherent rambling)
Right.
Come on, do your duty.
Someone has to.
Woof!
Do you... Do you want a lift?
Oh, no, I think we'll be all right.
? Yeah, all right, thanks.
? Great. Thanks.
Go on.
# They can paint the blackest picture of you
# They can hate everything that you do
# They can crush you under heel
# But nothing will change the way I feel
# Love's the only thing that's real
# Nothing will change the way I feel
# Love's the only thing that's real #