House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 5, Episode 9 - Violent Agreement - full transcript

Marty tries to get K&A back into consideration for a buyout. Meanwhile Jeannie has a difficult time spending a day outside the office; and computer network issues lead to a discovery.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Previously on House of Lies...

I know you
got a day job,

but I'd like for you
to advise the campaign.

I represent the Kohl brothers.


We could be there

- for Phoebe in a very real way.
- Fuck yeah.

Assuming your ex-wife

- doesn't win the offer first.
- Correct.

We're gonna blow her
right out of the water.

We screw people over
all the time,

but if we're just gonna
hand the whole thing

over to Skip Galweather,

what's the point?

The point is money, Jeannie.

Skip just called,

and the Kohl brothers
are going with Monica.

Until they sign
on that dotted line,

we can still win this thing.

You still have
a connection in Cuba, right?

I don't know if Cuba's
ready for the Kohl brothers.

Let's make 'em ready.

You're creeping me out.
What's up?

Seth Buckley
is leading the polls,

and by extension...

Your penis?

- My penis.
- What a shock.

Slapping around that boy band

has turned Seth into
a social media sensation.

Can I give you a little
word of advice, Clyde?

I really came in here to gloat.
I don't care about your advice.

- Proceed with caution, my friend.
- Okay.

Social media can be
a fickle mistress.

- Mm-hmm.
- One minute, you're being called

the King of the TED Talk,

and the next, VagBreath69

is telling you to

"choke on a druid's cock."

This is the exact type
of break we needed.

See, people are taking
a closer look at him.

Seth Buckley is going
to be the new mayor.

And VagBreath69
is going to be his chief

economic advisor.

Fucking knew
it was you. Marty!

Clyde's been saying mean things
about me on social media again.

I have.


Isn't this nice?

Couple of co-workers just
easing into their morning.


Maybe reading an
online article or two.

Sippin' a nice
cup of joe.

You know what? I've actually
recently switched to tea,

and I got to say,
digestively speaking...

Pretty certain we're about
to get yelled at, Douglas.

What the fuck
is wrong with you guys?

Should I move away from you?

- If you cherish your life.
- Yeah.

- Of course. I apologize.
- Why haven't I gotten

the PowerPoint
on the fucking Cuba pitch?

- I e-mailed it to you yesterday.
- Well, I haven't gotten it.

'Cause the Internet
in this building is fucked.

- Doug...
- I-I'm on it, Marty.

I've e-mailed I. T.
a bunch of times,

I haven't heard anything...


Where's my head? I'll call them.

In the meantime, I guess,
I'll just go sit in my office

in front of the computer
and wait for the thing.

All right. We'll be in touch.

Wow, you don't
see it coming again?

Or you dickheads

could pitch it to me

right the fuck now!

Cuba strategy
for the Kohl brothers.

Let me hear it.

With the trade ban lifted,

demand for hotel inventory

is about to shoot through
the motherfucking roof.

That's 1.5 million
American visitors per year,

trying to fit into
60, 000 hotel rooms.

Yeah, resort development
is the tip of the spear.

Okay? If they can establish
a foothold in Cuba,

the Kohl brothers can
extend their tentacles

into many arenas,
such as...


energy, polymers
and paper.

A vast,

untamed frontier, just
off the coast of Florida.

Kohl brothers are gonna
eat this shit up.

Now, the tricky part is gonna be

navigating Cuban bureaucracy,
but Ron Zobel's

- got that covered, right?
- He better.


So guess who called in
sick again?

Fucking nanny.

Did she do the whole, like,

voice with the cough, like...

"Oh, I don't want
to get Phoebe sick."

No, she went with stomach flu.

I think she knows
we're hip to the fake cold.

Is that Jeannie?
Hello, Jeannie.

Yeah, Ron Zobel says hi.

Yeah, I heard.

So I checked around

and I got no hits
on a replacement sitter.

I think I'm just gonna
take a mommy-daughter day.

Yeah, that sounds good.

Uh, give Phoebe
a kiss for me, okay?

You do the same with Ron Zobel.

Ron. Just the man
I was looking for.

Oh, you want me to double
my output of PSLs?


Pumpkin spice lattes.


Uh, I'm good there.

Listen, I was wondering
about your Cuba contact.

- Mm-hmm.
- Has he been able

to arrange a sit-down?

Yeah, one second,
because, you know,

this requires focus,

and you do not want
to over-cinnamon, Martin.

God, no.

So, Ron?

Yeah, Orozco and I
have already had

our preliminary

Man, you really
need to taste this.

I don't want
a fucking latte.

Because if you've
only ever had

the kind from Starbucks,

Ron, just how preliminary
have these discussions been?

Yeah. I have not
broached the topic

of K and A's
interest in Cuba.


I mean, no sweat.

Not like there's a ticking clock

on this fucking thing.

Listen, I know
you're looking

to get Skip's dick hard
about Cuba ASAP.

But listen to me, I have put
major time and resources

into cultivating Orozco,
predating my employment here.

You hedgey motherfucker.

Come on.
I mean, obviously,

I know it'll be a huge win
if we can parlay Cuba

into an offer from the Kohls
to buy K and A.

Yeah. Because you'd be sitting
in the captain's chair, right?

If the sale goes through.

But if not,
I need some guarantee.

Um, how about I guarantee I will
stomp a mud hole in your ass

if you don't get this guy
on the phone right fucking now.

Is that the kind of guarantee
you're looking for, Ron?

I was thinking more like
a larger equity piece.

I fucking swear...

You know I've been
a good soldier.

Okay? And I've eaten
a lot of shit from you.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

But don't confuse me
with being a patsy.

Do you understand?

Cuba moves forward
on my terms

or not at all.

We clear?

Don't forget to breathe.
That's the way.

Five, four, three, two,


Right back into
standing crunches.

Five, four, three,

two, one. Almost there.

- Ha, yeah, Phoebe.
- Two more left.

Work those baby abs.

Here we go. Five, four...

No, you absolutely do not
spark joy, dress. No.

No. No.


Oh! Ow.

"What does your
favorite ice cream say

about your sexual prowess?"

Give me a break.

There's a fly in here.

Phoebe, there's a fly!

How does Rocky Road
make me a wet noodle?



Wake up.

Wake up, you lazy bum.

Phoebe, Phoebe,
Phoebe, Phoebe.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Okay, well...

we dropped Mommy's stuff
off at the dry cleaner.

We got you shoes.

Where should we go now?

I asked you
a question, young lady.

Oh, well, if that's

your attitude,
I guess we won't go anywhere.

What did you say?

"I said
I think you should go to a bar

and drink until you pass out."


That's horribly irresponsible.

It's not even noon.

"Don't be so locked
into societal conventions."

I am not locked in.

"I dare you."

Oh, you dare me, do you?


Are you leaving?

Yeah. Yes.
Yes. Sorry.


You got a gnarly piece
of malware here.

This is impressive.

Mm-hmm. Can you fix it?

That's above my pay grade.

You got to call
Cisco Security.

You got to be kidding.
So coming down here

was a complete waste of my time.

- Great.
- Well, I can tell you

the infection point is
a computer registered to

a Douglas Guggenheim.

That's you, right?

- What?
- You know, they're not

sending those sexy pics
to you personally.

Uh... yeah. No, I know that.

Tho-Those, actually,
those are from Marceline,

and I knew a Marceline
from college... uh, Harvard...

and I always thought there
was kind of an unresolved

sexual tension
between us.

What's the backstory

on you clicking on
"Quick Snatch Alert"?

What the fuck?

Don't sweat it, man.

You're into sex. That's cool.


Douche bag.

And the pediatrician said

that she'd be happy
if he never had

a glass of juice in his life.

Which is funny.

When we were kids, I feel like
all we did was drink juice.

Like, I grew up on
apple juice and orange juice.

Do you remember that,
like, concentrated

can of orange juice
you could just mix with water?

And it was fine for our parents.


what a lovely surprise.

How's work?
How are the kids?

Listen, I need for you
to arrange a meeting

for me with the Kohl brothers.

- Getting right down to it, huh?
- Yeah.

I know that your guys are
all about untapped markets.

Hey, Marty, did you ever
watch Gilligan's Island?

Did I ever watch
Gilligan's Island? What?

Man, I loved that show.

There was this one episode

where this Japanese sailor
gets washed up onshore.

He was played by this
white actor.

Coke-bottle glasses
and "ching chong" accent.

- Oh.
- Super racist.

- Yeah, hilarious.
- Uh, well, anyway,

he imprisons the castaways
because, get this,

he still thinks
it's World War Two.

It's 1965; the war's
been over for 20 years!

- Nobody told the guy. Yeah.
- Nobody told the guy.

Take off the Coke-bottle
glasses, Hirohito.

War's over.

You lost, move on.

When the Kohl brothers hear
what I have to pitch,

- they're gonna be all over it.
- No, no, no, no.

You're not quite getting it.
I'm gonna speak slowly.

This was never
a real competition.

So whatever "Hail Marty"
you're planning on throwing,

don't bother, because it won't
change a goddamn thing.

Why? Because I've got my thumb...
boom... on the scale,

and... I don't want you to win.

So all that sweet talking you
were doing at the beginning,

that was just bullshit?

Well, no.

But then you actually
started to want it,

and I couldn't resist
picking up that football.

I'm Charlie Brown?
I'm Charlie Brown?

Ah, yeah. Ha, ha, ha.

Okay, well, it's always a
pleasure to see you, Skip.

I will send you
a box of cigars

when I am building hotels
with Marriott in Cuba.

Wait, what?

"Wait, what?"

Huh? That got your fucking
attention, didn't it?

That's right, Uncle Marty has
a plan that is gonna make

the Kohl brothers' Havana Nights
wet dream a reality.

Holy shit.

Cuba, that's, like,
a billion-dollar opportunity.

I serve that up to the Kohls,
they'll lift me up on my back

and parade me
through the streets!

Viva la Galweather, baby!

Monica already brought us
Cuba this morning, slowpoke.

Oh, shit, did I yank away
that football again?

She's actually got
a very smart plan,

centering around
resort development.

Once they have established
a toehold in Cuba,

the Kohl brothers
can spread

their many tentacles
into other arenas.

Agriculture, energy,
polymers and paper.

We'll look at
the file trajectory,

determine the extent
of the malware compromise.

Hey, how's it going?

- Hey, guys. How you doing?
- Hi.

All right, listen,
if anyone asks,

you're my cousin Edgar
from out of town, okay?

What? Why?

Because I said so, Edgar.


Oh, hey! Holy shit.

I didn't, uh, think
you'd be here.

I thought you were
eating out today, JR.

No? Good. Great.

Great, great, great to see you.

This is
JR, my office mate,

my pal, my mentee.

- Not your mentee, Doug.
- Well, doesn't matter.

Uh, JR, this is
my cousin Edgar.

Um, Edgar grew up a couple
towns over from me.

Spent our formative
years together.

Even lost our virginity
to the same girl.

Can you imagine?

What was her name again?

I don't remember.

You don't remember.

Classic Edgar.

Can I get on this computer?

Yeah. Oh, God, listen to him.

Straight off the plane,
already has to check Facebook.

This guy, always with
the status updates, huh?


- All right.
- Nice meeting you.

You don't remember
her name?

Get your head
in the game, Edgar.


Okay, I like
where your head's at.


Guys. Guys.


What the fuck
are you doing?

Oh, yeah,
what are we doing?

It seems that Ron
hedged his bets

and gave Monica
our plan on Cuba.

So we are taking the measured
response of trashing his office

before we do the
very same to him.

Marty, that... that
doesn't make any sense.

Jeannie, if you're
gonna try to stop us,

you should keep in mind it is
twice as much fun as it looks.

Marty, Marty.

Marty, Ron gave you
the keys to Cuba, right?

So... why would he do that
if he's just gonna turn around

and give them to Monica?

I do not fucking know, Jeannie.

But what I know is that
Skip fucking Galweather

had details about Monica's plan
that matched ours exactly.

So if you don't mind...

- Ha!
- No, no, no, no!

- God.
- Um...

Okay, look, I don't know
if any of you heard

that my cousin Edgar is
visiting from out of town.

Truth is...

...he's not really my cousin.

Yeah, I know that, Doug.

Well, sure,
now that I told you.

Are you serious? No.

Hey, Doug?

I think I might know

how Monica figured
out our plan.

Okay, your server was
definitely compromised.

Jesus, Doug.

Of all the ways you could have
fucked over this company...

This is by far
the least surprising.

Hey, let's not forget

who brought Monica into
our lives in the first place.

I mean, fucking Monica, right?

So I'll run AMP to remove
the malicious files.

No, no, wait, hold on,
don't... don't do anything.

Just, um, leave it
in place for now.

Monica can still
read our e-mails.


Which is something you could
use to your advantage

since she doesn't
know you know.

Would you ever consider
coming to work here, Bruce?

I mean, we're gonna
have an opening soon.

No, we're not.

He's joking. He's kidding.

No, I-I... I understand
how difficult it was

for you to wrangle
this meeting,

and I-I appreciate it,
but I'm not gonna call...

I'm not gonna say it. Um...

You're the magic man.

Okay? Yep, there you go.


Um, was that the magic man?

Seems that Ron was able
to get us five minutes

- with the Kohl brothers.
- What did you have to give up?

You haven't grown too attached
to Phoebe, have you?

For five minutes with
the Kohls? Phoebe who?


Oh, hey, Dad. Hey, Jeannie.

- What was that?
- What was what?

Okay, y'all were
watching some porn. Okay.

You were supposed to be home
an hour ago, you realize that?

You know what, go do
your homework, okay?

Go on.

I'll go do my homework.

- Good night, Roscoe.
- You got it, Mr. Kaan.

I got you.
Good night, Jeannie.

Good, good.

It did not come off
insanely paranoid.

Listen, Monica hacked
into our server, okay?

You think she's above
pumping her own kid

for some insider information?

Phoebe and I had
a pretty interesting day.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

We went to the park.

And we saw
this old man,

who was, uh, in
this amazing suit.

Like, a pin-striped.

Like, Yves
Saint Laurent.

I don't know, I felt like
he must have been,

uh, a dynamo in '73.

And he...

it was like he got all
dressed up to go to work,

and there was just
no work to go to,

so he... he sat down
and fed the pigeons.

It's actually
kind of sad.

Not for the pigeons.

Not for the pigeons.

Jeannie, we're not 83.

- I know.
- And if it gets to the point

where, you know,
we're buying birdseed...

Obviously, it's not
gonna get to the point

where we're buying
birdseed, but I just...

you know, we've never had
that kind of time before.

We get bored,
we'll just go back to work.

Is that what you're
planning on doing?

Because I thought
the whole point was

that-that... that we're not
supposed to jump right back in.

Okay, then we don't.


Okay. Great.


So when would
we be going?

And how long will
we be there?

It's supposed
to rain early next week;

should I be packing
an umbrella?

I don't know, Douglas.

If it rains, you can always
buy an umbrella in Cuba.

Can I? Uh, it's
a communist country.

Are umbrellas even available?

You know I can't think
when I'm wet.

By the way, if you guys
are going this week,

I will be joining late.

Campaign has a lot
of big meetings

about the shape
of the administration,

and Seth is gonna
want my input.

Oh, well, if you're not going,

maybe we should just
skip the whole Cuba thing.

Yeah, you know what?

Let's just cancel the Kohl
brothers meeting, too.

Actually, Marty,
you better call Monica,

tell her we surrender.

You know what, fuck,
before I forget.

'Cause we have to be so careful
about our e-mail and everything,

I want to deliver this
the old-fashioned way.

Douglas, for you.

Oh, my God,
is that a snatch alert?

Very funny, Clyde.

- Very funny.
- Mm.

Boy, you really want to open
that thing, don't you?

- Huh?
- What is wrong with you?

I'm not saying it definitely is,

but there's a possibility
that is an actual snatch alert.

Okay, you know what?

I'm gonna put this exactly
where it belongs.

Right here in the, uh...

in the trash there.

Right there, yeah.

Okay... Oh.
You know what?

I'll, um, I'll meet you
downstairs. I forgot to...

Your snatch alert?

Uh, oh, no, no, no!

Last meeting didn't
go as expected?

When I was eight
and Sean was nine,

our father locked us
in our room.

Told us there was
only one candy bar.

Said whichever
one of us

was still standing
in an hour got it.

What kind of candy bar?
Doesn't matter.

We did that every night
for a year.

That's a lot of candy.

Stop talking, Doug.

Humans are animals.

World is a jungle.

Our father wanted us
to understand that.

We're not sitting here today
if not for him.

Great man.

- Oh, yeah.
- Great man.

You can tell from that
story that he sounds cool.

What's he up to?

We're vigilant about
not forgetting that lesson.

That's why you still beat
the shit out of each other.

It's always nice to hold on
to a piece of your childhood.

Are we done bullshitting?

Thought we were
talking about Cuba.

We are. May we?

Now, we understand that
Monica Talbot made you a lot

of big promises, but she
doesn't have what we have.

An actual Cuban contact.

Excuse me.

I'm so sorry, Marty.

Am I interrupting?

Marty, did you think

I wasn't gonna find out?
What is this?

A little end-around?

Little League. Excuse me.

I'm so sorry.
I apologize.

I told him it was over.

Did you tell them why?

You know,
why you insisted

on them spending
$100 million dollars

to buy Talbot & Company
as opposed to us?

You didn't tell them?

That's fine. I'll take
care of it, Skipper.

You see, Skip thinks
I'm an asshole.

And Skip is right.
He is.

Playing with
other people's money

just to pursue
a personal vendetta?

It's not cool, Skip.

Ain't cool, Skip.

You see, he doesn't
really believe

that Monica
is the smarter play.

He's just upset

because, a long time ago,
I hurt his little feelings.

I chose Monica...

- You're a fucking pussy.
- That's the word, yes.

I've been saying that
for years, thank you.

I am not a pussy.

Look, I don't give
a shit about you.

And I don't give a shit

about the skinny girl
with the whisper voice.

That's Monica.

I do give a shit

about Cuba.

Our grandfather had
substantial holdings there.

All repatriated
after the revolution.

Fucking communists
stole our birthright.

We're gonna take back
what's ours.

For Paw-Paw.

For Paw-Paw.

For Paw-Paw.

For Paw-Paw!

Whichever firm
has the balls

and the brains to help
us make that happen...

...that's who we buy.

This is great.
This is great.

Actually, but
I just need you to shorten it.

So shorten it.
Shorter is always better.

- Oh, there he is!
- Hey.

Next mayor of Los Angeles.

Hey, fingers crossed.

Hey, I'll meet you guys
inside, okay?

You what what I can't
wait to do?

- Huh?
- Trade in my boring old scissors

for those giant
ribbon-cutting ones?

- Yes.
- You know what I'm talking about?

- Yeah, of course.
- You want to grab a chai tea?

Yeah, you know what
I was thinking?

first order of business.

- If we attack strong...
- Whoa, slow down there, cowboy.

You're already talking
like I'm gonna offer you a job.

I'm gonna offer you a job.

I figured you would.

Of course you got to meet
with Josh DuVall first.

But that's just a formality.

"Josh DuVall"?

Yeah, he's gonna be
the executive director

of my economic council.
He's great.

You're gonna love him.
And Cathy, too.

She's gonna be his deputy.

Josh and Cathy.
They sound good.

Wait a sec, you...
you didn't think I was gonna...

Clyde, you have
no experience in politics.


Josh has been at this
for 30 years.

What kind of mayor would I be
if I chose you over him?

I don't know... the kind that
promised to shake things up?

The kind who's gonna
challenge the establishment

with his bold new vision...
do you remember that shit?

- You used to say that to me.
- Hey.

You're still a baby bird, okay?

- Josh is gonna teach you how to fly.
- Wow.

So I'll have his aide reach out
and set up a time...

You know what?
I'm good.

Don't even worry about it.

I'm excellent.
I'm not even some...

Oh, my...

I'm a baby bird!

It's happening.

I'm doing it!

I'm flying!

Oh, the view is amazing
from up here!

Good-bye, Seth!


Okay, all right.

- Whoa...
- All right, all right.

This is a gate change
announcement for Flight 317.

Hey, Clyde, you're here.

- Oh...
- Whoa, whoa, wait a minute!

If you're here,
who's running the city?


All right, so I'm standing
there with Seth, right?

- Uh-huh, right.
- And he's offering me this

huge position in
his administration.

But all I could
think about was

I should be on that
plane to Cuba.

'Cause at the
end of the day,

I want to be
with you guys.

- Fuck, my face.
- What?

- Goddamn it!
- Yuck.

The, uh, the last
part, right?

I was right there
with you till that part.

I mean, I really thought
you got the big job

and then you were like,
"I want to be with you guys."

That's not how
I sound like.

- That was the thing...
- It was close!

But that's not
what I sound like.

God, was there ever
even a Seth Buckley?

- Oh, my God.
- Come on.

It's all good.
Hey, we're glad you're here.

Thanks, man.

Did you hear how I did that?

- I love the way you did that.
- So smooth. - Oh.

- Was it good?
- That was nice.

When the sale goes through...

or if-if the sale goes through,

I was thinking,

I might want
to take Phoebe to Rome.

I don't know.
I also,

I've heard that Denmark
is really beautiful.

we're gonna have to discuss

how that affects
our co-parenting.

Hello, Marty?


Uh, yeah...
yeah, all that.

That you said,
whatever, it's great.

Did you hear any
of what I just said?


Why engage on this, right?


we are orbiting
the fucking payday

to end all
motherfucking paydays.

Please don't pick
this particular moment

to go scurrying
down the rabbit hole.

Uh, trying to plan
for my future

is not scurrying
down a rabbit hole, Marty.

We are far

from done...
you understand that?

Okay, I need your
head in the game

if we're gonna
win this thing.

You want to win
this thing, right?

I don't know.

Now, you don't want
to win this thing?

I didn't say I don't
want to win it.

I just said I don't know.

Jeannie, we're not gonna end
up on a fucking park bench.

Have you thought about it
for one minute?

Have you thought
about what our lives

would be like
if this happens?

Thank you.

Or what our-our daughter's life

would be like if this happens?

So we win.
Let's say we win, okay?

Great, we win.

Monica's bleeding out.

We've pounded Skip
into a fine dust.

Then what?

We mix the dust
and the blood,

put it a goblet
and drink it.


We are who we are.

Oh, that's profound.

And the payday of all
motherfucking paydays, Marty,

isn't going to change that.

The only thing
that's gonna change

is that we are not going
to have our company.

And we have been
through so much shit,

and we've come out
on the other side in, like,

a pretty good place.


I'm just saying
can we slow down for a minute

and think about this?

We're going 55 fucking
thousand miles an hour

toward Cuba right now,

and you want to slow
down and think about it.

What, what is it
that you want?

I need goddamn time.