House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 5, Episode 7 - One-Eighty - full transcript
I am actually
kind of into you...
Previously on House of Lies...
So yeah, I would
go out with you.
You can get me a TED Talk?
Yeah, the executive curator,
she's my friend.
Well, they've asked me
to give a TED Talk, so...
Are you giving a TED Talk,
or like a special TED Talk?
Could you imagine
stepping off the hamster wheel?
Are we jumping in?
Getting K and A all sexy
for Skip Galweather
and the Kohl brothers.
From this point on,
it is big game fishing only!
[Marty]
Now, kiddies,
you remember back in the day
you all had a guy in your dorm
who sold you those
sketch dime bags of weed
from his shitty hydroponic
plants he grew in his bathtub?
100%.
His name was Jonah.
I think it may have
been the closest
I've ever been
to blowing a dude.
Mmm, his name was Octavio.
- Octavio.
- I definitely blew him.
Spencer.
And I reported him.
He was a menace.
Well, I want you
to erase all memories
you have of rolling papers and
Pink Floyd posters on the wall,
'cause these Washington
State weed slingers,
[whoops] they're
like Ganja Walmart.
I got to say, even
Wall Street's taking notice.
Yeah, you're goddamn right,
and they should.
It's one of the fastest growing
industries in the nation.
$3 billion dollars in
revenue alone last year.
And that's a "B," y'all!
Sweet Jesus!
That buys a lot
of Burning Man swag.
[whispers]
Cha-ching!
[cash register dings]
[Jeannie]
Whoa. Seriously?
This is a lot less patchouli
and a whole lot
more full automatic weapons
than Jonah carried.
I'll need to see
all your IDs.
- [Clyde] Yes, sir, here we go.
- Okay.
Hi.
There you go.
Pleasant.
Well, I for one will not be
partaking while we're here.
[indistinct radio transmission]
Well, don't you
want to know why?
I'm keeping my temple pristine!
For two days from now!
Come on, the TED Talk!
I marked it in your
calendars weeks ago!
Yeah, that reminds me.
- Uh, Jeannie?
- Hmm?
While we're here,
do your best
to keep your little
temple pristine, okay?
- Yes.
- [Jeannie] Not this again.
I am fine high!
You are deeply,
deeply not fine.
You're kidding.
I'd rather get high
with Anne Hathaway.
Very cute.
Everybody gets a little chatty
when they're high!
That's like saying Octomom
got a little pregnant.
[both]
Oh...!
- Big Daddy, can I get it?
- [Doug] Alley-oop!
Jeannie, please,
do other things, okay?
Like drink or mainline heroin.
Literally anything else.
Step out of the car, sir.
Oh, okay.
No way.
I got you, Marty.
I'm gonna get footage in case
he shoots you in the back.
- Put the fucking phone away.
- Uh-uh.
Sign here.
Black lives matter.
Sorry.
[Max] Sorry for all
the military tactics.
[Marty] Come on,
who doesn't love machine guns?
[Joy] It's just that we handle
everything in cash.
Ooh, not to mention
all of this weed
just innocently sitting here.
These backwards fucking banks
won't take us on as clients,
because according
to federal law,
this whole, beautiful, uh,
spiritual, sensual operation
- is criminal!
- Crazy.
You know, the people,
they want salvation.
It's the law
that can't catch up.
- We can't have checkbooks.
- No.
We can't even
have back accounts.
[Max]
No, we are the 99%.
We are the checkbook-less.
We are unprotected.
We're naked.
Well, you're wearing
$400 sneakers,
- so you're doing okay.
- Hey, Doug?
Well, l-listen.
The man put
the people down in Ohio.
That's not gonna happen with us,
'cause we got the power
of the plant on our side.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Last year, we sold our crops
by the ton, literally.
And edibles on top of that.
The world is changing.
Humanity is changing.
And like any people's
revolution, it takes time
to change people's minds.
- Mm-hmm.
- Their hearts.
Their lives.
Their reality.
Come see my babies.
Come here! Come here!
Yeah.
Hello, bags of money.
So you guys will be good
getting all your fees in cash?
"Cash"?
- Cha-ching.
- [cash register dings]
Yeah, you smell that?
Yeah, no, excuse me,
I'm not interested.
Yeah, move.
- Oh, it's like heaven.
- Smell?
- No, no.
- You're not to smell.
That, sir, smells
like money, money, money.
Actually, that is
the smell of civil rights.
Of a movement.
Of all the soldiers
who lost their lives
- in the War on Drugs.
- And also
- it has made us millions.
- Right.
In the words of Fidel,
"Capitalism is repugnant."
It causes hypocrisy
and war and...
[groans]
I'm sorry.
Is he quoting Castro?
Didn't I see, like, a gazillion
American dollars roll by?
You guys have all heard the
term "high as a kite," right?
- I heard that one time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What's more beautiful
than a kite
flying in the sky?
- Maybe two kites?
- Jeannie naked?
Different Jeannie.
You don't know her.
[crying]
Nothing...
nothing is more
fucking beautiful!
Starshine.
Oh, honey.
- I think we should keep moving.
- Okay, yeah.
Come on, we'll show you
how revolution happens.
Starshine.
Here we have a sampling
of all of our products
that we supply
to vendors around the state.
Soon to be around the country
with a little cooperation
from Congress.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is fucking amazing!
I'm glad you can
appreciate it.
We package all our buds
by flavor.
We have White Rhino, Agent
Orange, Island Sweet Skunk.
- There's even a Kosher Kush.
- Mazel!
And our gourmet edibles,
all with a real taste profile.
I oversee the testing
and focus group research
on every one.
- Oh.
- Now, those are
our Mindbomb Truffles.
Our most potent.
Feel like I'm in Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory.
Whoa there,
Veruca Salt,
these are off-limits for you.
Clyde, I'm a big girl.
I can handle it.
Really? How many friends have
you made when you were high?
[scoffs]
For the night?
Tons.
Want a little taste?
No, don't...
stop that.
Cut it out.
It's not funny.
All right, I have one
shot with this talk.
If I get it right,
it will be downloaded
and shared on Facebook
ad infinitum.
What is that...
Latin for "throw up"?
[Doug] I could be legendary...
think about it.
I could be like that data
guy who swallowed a sword
for no reason or the most
popular TED Talk of all...
how orgasms work.
Popular entirely because
it gave a scientific basis
for jerking off.
Yeah, like you needed a reason.
Well, in the beginning, we were
trying to help cancer patients.
We were trying-trying to help
people suffering from epilepsy.
But now we are
changing the fucking world.
No, we are... mavericks.
- Yeah.
- [Marty chuckles]
But these people did not come
here for a history lesson.
Let's talk P&Ls,
shall we?
- Cha-ching.
- [cash register dings]
- Well, I feel enlightened already.
- Same.
We're gonna spend
the rest of the day
tightening up the valuations,
the modeling and then
we would love to come
back to you, uh, over dinner
and, uh, let you know
what we've come up with.
Dinner would be nice.
And by "tightening up
valuations,"
you mean we get to try
all the marijuanas, Marty?
[chuckles] Okay, look, I don't
want to be a buzzkill here.
- [Clyde and Marty] Too late.
- You already are, Doug.
But here's my concern...
if we partake in these samples,
we could be delayed for days!
- [Clyde groans]
- And I've got to get back
for, well, you know.
We get it, we get it,
we get it.
But we can't take it
on the plane.
And it'd be wasteful
not to try it,
- or rude really.
- Ah, shit.
Should've called in sick.
Marty, I feel sick.
So, kiddies,
were you picking up
on what Kush Lady
in there was putting down?
Yeah, Kush Lady
wants to get rich.
Correct, and Ron Zobel
has been working himself
to get deep
into the pocket of MRJ.
- MRJ the tobacco giant?
- And lobby.
They've been looking
for a big play from us,
and this could be
the mother lode.
Clyde, call Ron Zobel.
Tell him that we're
gonna land MRJ
at the same time
we're gonna work Kush.
Tell him that we've got the
biggest growers in the business,
and they're ready
to sit down and deal.
Are you fucking nuts?
He asked respectfully.
And he...
picks up his phone.
- Ron Zobel, please.
- You know, Marty,
he's not wrong.
I mean, the clash
between Big Tobacco and weed,
it's pretty insurmountable.
Not to mention, these people
seem very committed
to the movement... I mean,
"Capitalism is repugnant"?
Yeah, I got to say
that one hurt a little.
Kiddies, kiddies, kiddies,
have you not noticed
that in any partnership,
there's always one person
who's more swayed by greed
than the other?
With the right argument,
I believe we can get Joy
to come down off
of her husband's pot altar
and get on board
with the biggest play possible.
And the biggest play possible
is obviously Big Tobacco.
So she's been going along,
but she's itching for more.
Yes!
Clyde?
- Bring it in.
- In two days?
Children, we have been moving
the ball down the field
prepared to settle for a
bullshit VC expansion field goal
when we got Gronk in the corner
on a fade route for six.
What?
It's touchdown time, come on!
- Let's get it!
- Let's get it!
- Let's go!
- Let's go!
- Let's rock it!
- Let's rock it!
- Let's roll!
- Let's roll!
- Let's get it!
- Let's get it!
- Let's go!
- Let's go!
- Let's rock it!
- Let's rock!
- Let's go, put it in!
- Let's roll!
[all]
K and A!
And football, right?
[Clyde]
Ooh, this looks great.
[Joy]
Word to the wise?
The butter is infused.
Word to the wise.
The butter is delicious.
I typically don't eat dinner,
so nothing personal.
But don't worry, I smoked
plenty of, uh, the pot,
uh, before, so...
Oh, yeah, love me
some of that,
uh, the sweet Mary Jane.
And so I'm very high.
High as a...
- They get it. Hey, Jeannie?
- Hmm?
You do understand
that the edibles
are more potent
than the smoke, correct?
Hmm!
Ugh, it's like
a fucking horror movie.
Food and pot together
in the rabid claws
of Jeannie
van der Hooven.
[Joy]
We've seen every kind
of high there is,
and we embrace it.
[Max]
It's true.
It is our privilege
and our honor
to experience your bliss.
And she was
inside me
and then she
was inside,
and then she just came out.
[laughs]
You know, we get it,
we get it, we-we do.
Is-is she always... like this?
Oh, this is level one.
- This has just started.
- It gets worse.
This is nice.
Can we just get real for a
second, you know what I mean?
Like, fuck the
"consultantspeak."
- You know?
- We get you, Marty.
We do.
And we get that you get us.
[chuckles]
You're a fuckin' maverick.
Well, I do... and I am.
You guys,
you guys!
You guys.
I can feel you
being free
right now.
[Doug sighs]
[Jeannie]
Wait, wait.
What if everyone in the world
blinked at the exact same time?
Now.
Now.
Now.
You know, it's interesting.
What you do here
actually reminds me
of the third commandment
of TED Talk:
thou shalt reveal thy curiosity
and thy passion.
Mm-hmm.
These are broke.
These are broken.
So I feel you, bro.
Hey, can you get this guy
to shut the fuck up?
Who you talking about?
I don't think so.
Look, here's the thing:
the banks won't touch you.
Who gives a fuck?
Fuck those guys, okay?
I can find you money.
There's a lot of investors
that will back small
businesses like yours.
Sure, your competitors,
they're gonna
probably align themselves
with much bigger,
you know, consortiums,
multinationals,
that-that kind of thing.
And you... God, we hope
you don't get buried,
but the important
thing is
that your integrity
remains, right?
Your-your mission
remains intact.
The mission succeeds,
freedom succeeds.
Goddamn right.
Anyone for coffee?
Yeah.
Uh, I'll... I'll help out.
[clears throat]
I could use
some fresh air.
Yeah?
Okay.
- No, no, no, no.
- No.
Don't leave me with her.
Take care of her.
Do you want some coffee?
[scoffs]
You know why I'm in here, Joy.
Okay.
What's the better play?
[door creaks open, closes]
Hey, listen, okay?
Don't fly off the handle.
Big Tobacco.
Tobacco?
I see what you need.
Earplugs?
You and Clyde.
That's the love story.
No, I don't think so.
I see...
inner children.
And they want the same thing.
They both just want to...
fill the holes, you know,
where the love goes.
[gasps]
You could fill
each other's holes.
I mean, I'm not saying
I've never thought
about it, but no.
Does anyone have a guitar?
Big Tobacco is
a fucking monster, okay?
They're the biggest fucking
monster of them all.
- Yeah.
- But they have all the money
that you could ever want,
to do anything
that you want with.
Fuck handing out post-chemo
joints and lollipops;
you guys could
fucking cure cancer.
But we're growing, we're steady.
Oh, my God!
My eyes feel like
I just got them today.
Oh, my God,
could you please...
Doug, grab her.
Oh, Marty, I need a break!
- Just grab her.
- [Doug scoffs]
Listen, I know that
you guys are growing, okay?
But I'm talking about $100
million dollars, minimum, here.
And you can be hands-on
with the expansion
as all the state
and federal bullshit
gets worked out
and you'll have
the biggest voice behind you
to push through Congress, okay?
Big Tobacco has
the infrastructure,
you guys have the street cred
and the culture.
You'd be the
Starbucks of pot.
That's the play, Joy.
And it's the play
that Max should want, too.
They want you to think
it's about the money
and the power and the
suits and the cars...
- Fuck that.
- That's the opiate.
It's like having a Black Card
makes up for
having a black soul.
I have a fucking Black Card
and honestly
I don't think I'm happy.
Happiness...
the path to salvation...
can only come from
Earth feeding you.
Fuck, yes!
Take me through it
from the beginning.
I want to hear the whole fucking
thing... chapter one, go.
God... It just-just
feels like we're giving in
to everything
we've fought against.
I know, but don't
do that, okay?
You're letting your
feelings tell you a story.
You can't let feelings
make business decisions.
Okay? This isn't...
this isn't greed.
It's smart.
Yeah.
History's greatest
thinkers got high.
- Shakespeare...
- What?
Joan of Arc,
George Washington...
and he invented peanut butter.
Wow! Although
I don't think so.
I think that's
George Washington Carver.
Well, he wrote
the Constitution, so...
- Same thing.
- Look, the point is,
all the greatest innovations
come from the plant.
You've got
hemp clothes,
uh, hemp birdseed,
um, Bible pages
that were
written... on...
- Paper. Hemp.
- Hemp probably. Hemp.
You were talking
about hemp, yeah.
- Hemp probably. Yeah.
- Uh, but, you know,
it's a matter of time,
it is, till we got cars,
uh... airplanes...
Hey. Riddle me this.
How does hemp hold up against,
- say, straw?
- What's he doing?
[Clyde] Did Joan of Arc
wear hemp?
Because that would be insane
if it were a helmet.
Oh, I've always
wanted to know that.
No, I get it.
You guys, you bring me out here,
you get me to talk about the
mother plant while this fuck
- works my fucking wife in there?
- Oh, shit.
No, I want to talk about
your conspiracy theories.
Just hang in there.
Set both of your feet.
- All right? You're right.
- [Max] Hey.
Hey, he is filling your
head with toxic shit.
Marty, this is...
Sweetie, I know
what you're gonna say,
but tobacco's play
is unavoidable, okay?
- [dog squeaks]
- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
We don't eat dogs.
He asked me to.
You can't just eat
everything that asks you to.
[Max]
Are you selling us out?
This is our legacy, baby,
this is our fucking life.
Are you prepared
to lose our life?
'Cause that's what's
going to happen.
Look at history.
Anheuser-Busch came in
and made an empire
after Prohibition.
They totally erased the
mom-and-pop businesses like us.
I don't even
recognize you right now.
Where are you?
It's still us, okay?
We're still mavericks.
- Yeah?
- I just think we should
open our minds to it, you know?
We can use the system
to beat the system, okay?
All right, you know what? Fine.
I'll take a meeting.
Doesn't mean I'm saying yes.
And could you please
put my fucking dog down?
[growls]
Oh, hey, you would know.
Is this
a load-bearing wall, here?
You, uh, picturing
a Marty-less world, Ron?
Imagination is
actualization, Marty.
Yech. Feel like
I'm trapped in a rental car
with Mr. TED Talk
spouting his, uh, you know,
sound bite bullshit.
Don't touch my things.
T-minus two hours
and counting.
[imitates shivering,
laughs nervously]
I feel okay.
Had a bit too much coffee.
But, uh, so, listen.
Uh, good news.
I've got them to tape off
three seats for you guys,
but they're expecting
an at-capacity crowd,
so I'd get there
at least 30 minutes early.
Which part of this is
- the good news?
- Well, I got to save you...
Oh. Okay.
Well, 20 minutes early,
all right?
But then I can't guarantee
anything after...
On time.
Get there on time, you know
how to manage your schedule.
Wish me luck.
So MRJ is confirmed
for tomorrow morning.
Took some serious
arm-twisting,
since they wanted a few
months to run numbers first.
Well, that's
great, Ron.
Okay? 'Cause this is
all gonna be about timing.
Kush Vistas has too much time
to stroll down memory lane,
- we're gonna miss this window.
- Mmm.
Big Weed makin' a baby
with Big Tabaccy.
[chuckles]
How much is Skip Galweather
gonna love this
little cutie pie, eh?
Well, it's gonna be a big,
old, fat baby, isn't it?
[cackles]
Hey, Ron?
Your guys are gonna come
with their checkbooks
open, right?
Don't worry about it. No, no.
These guys are gonna
follow my lead.
See, back in the day,
I saved Syd Black's ass
during the whole
"we believe nicotine
is not addictive" phase.
Ugh, God...
You are a bad man, Ron Zobel.
Well, game recognize game, baby.
- [♪ mid-tempo music ♪]
- Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I feel like I'm
about to watch
a tiny Christian
get eaten by a lion.
Ooh...
I'm feeling funny
in my naughty place.
Hey, guys,
turn your phones off.
This is gonna be
the greatest TED Talk ever.
[♪ music continues ♪]
Big Bird's big beak... ah.
[inhales sharply]
♪ Mi mi mo mo moo ♪
♪ Mi mi mo mo moo... ♪
Tess.
Oh, my God.
- Hey.
- Hey, you okay?
Yeah. Oh, God.
No, I'm...
Because you don't look so great.
[clears throat]
You look freaked out.
[high-pitched]
Come on, no.
And your voice is
really, really high.
Oh, God, maybe I'm
a little freaked out.
- Okay. Okay.
- I don't know.
Who am I kidding?
I'm a lot freaked out.
It's all finally happening.
I can't believe it,
I've been thinking
about this moment
for so long and here it is.
- Doug...
- Hmm?
Deep breath.
You'll be amazing.
You are a dungeon master.
You are a genius.
I know that.
But what if I'm a misunderstood
genius, like Carrot Top?
- You fucking got this.
- Yeah?
And I made a reservation at
Mr. Chow after, to celebrate.
- Okay.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Ready when you are.
- Right.
- [clears throat]
- Okay.
- Okay, here you go.
- Here I go.
[sighing]
Oh, boy.
[clearing throat]
[coughs, clears throat]
Show of hands.
How-how many people
here think about orcs?
Might be having a technical
difficulty with the mic.
Are we on?
How many people here
think about orcs?
"Orcs."
Uh, okay, how about this?
Uh, you're shy,
you're nervous.
Don't be.
[chuckles]
I'll cover my eyes.
Now I can't see you.
So you can all do it.
[chuckles]
I'm sure most of you have
your hands raised.
So you can drop your h...
Okay, so not that many.
Okay.
Today, I'm going
to share with you
how to embrace
your authentic self
by defeating
the level-nine orc of doubt
that lives inside each
and every one of us.
Correction:
"level-nine orcs."
Orcs...!
[whoops]
Dougy Doug, my man!
Ah.
Are you fucking
kidding me right now?
So let's dig into Doug...
♪ Got to give the people ♪
♪ Now... ♪
Who here has ever been
defeated by an inner orc?
What's that, destiny?
I'll meet you there.
- [growls]
- ♪ Got to give the people ♪
♪ Give the people
what they want... ♪
Aah. Someone...
This is not the floor
we worked on.
♪ ♪
[laughs]
The die itself
gives birth to you.
That's what he was
building in the office.
Get out of here.
[crying, speaks indistinctly]
[crying] ...how hard
I was trying...
Please, dear God,
lubricate the bear.
Namaste.
♪ Got to give the people... ♪
- [screaming]
- [laughs]
♪ Give the people
what they want... ♪
Yeah... Fuck!
Oh! Aah!
I'm never gonna be able
to unsee this.
- [audience claps rhythmically]
- [Clyde] Yeah, do it
to the beat, do it
to the beat, Doug.
That's it!
Shit! That... No!
[music ends]
So, in closing,
if I can leave you
with just one thought,
let it be this.
In the quest to find
your authentic self,
it is better to merge
powers with an orc
than to fight it.
Oh, wasn't that fucking great?
Oh, that connected
with you?
- Hey.
- OMG.
Amazing, right?
I mean, yes, definitely.
- Aah.
- Come here.
God.
[Doug] Uh, well,
[chuckles] look at this.
Looks like I'm gonna have
to press flesh with the fans.
Okay, um...
but we should get
going, though,
if we want to make our
reservation at Mr. Chow.
Ah, yeah, Mr. Chow.
I just think I need to spend
a little more time here
and, um, [clears throat]
how about this: you go ahead,
hold the table, and I will meet
you as soon as I can break away.
If I can break away.
[chuckles]
If?
Oh, that's Lily Wu.
Producer of the talk.
I think she's looking for me.
Lily! Hey, oh, where
are you running to?
Hey, no, come
back here.
[laughs]
Yes, he's right in front of me.
I'm gonna tell him right now.
- Yes, Ron, tonight, yes.
- Wow.
Okay.
Marty, that
was Ron Zobel.
Yeah.
The meeting has
to move up, okay?
The MRJ execs are leaving
on a red-eye tonight
to go to Hong Kong, so if you
want this meeting to happen,
- it has to happen now, okay?
- [♪ synthpop music plays ♪]
Or they have a window
in eight months.
So you get it?
What do you think?
[echoing]
Marty.
♪ How you like my cut? ♪
[Clyde] [echoing]
Marty?
♪ What? How you like my cut? ♪
♪ How you like
my cut? ♪
♪ How you like my cut? ♪
♪ What? How you like my cut? ♪
♪ How you like my cut? ♪
♪ How you like
my cut? ♪
♪ What? How you like my cut? ♪
♪ How you like my cut? ♪
[CFO] We're an
American tradition.
[Max] Oh, so killing your
customers is traditional.
Un-fucking-believable.
- Marty.
- [♪ music continues ♪]
Do you have a
thought on this?
Must be nice living in a goddamn
unicorn-and-fairies wet dream.
Oh, my God, this guy.
Is this guy for real?
Yeah, well, at least
we don't sell murder.
I mean, your hair is like silk.
[Joy]
'Cause if we make the product...
- [Max] I smoke to get high.
- Marty.
- [CFO] We're done with this.
- Marty.
We're moving on to a
multibillion-dollar deal
that makes your herbal
tonics look like rat shit.
- Okay.
- Okay, you know what,
fuck these death-squad fascists.
We're out of here,
all right?
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hold it, hold up,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
I'm sorry, let me get this
straight, because I don't think
I'm quite believe I'm hearing
what I think it is I'm hearing,
which is that you guys don't
think that you need each other.
[Marty laughs]
That's beautiful.
Blockbuster?
Who knows Blockbuster?
Yeah, I remember it.
Okay, well, you remember
when Blockbuster
was hanging on by a thread?
Because it refused
to adapt to the new reality?
Guys, in every state, state
after state, day after day,
legal weed is spreading
through the states.
Spreading,
spread-spread-spread-spread.
And in those states, even on
the sidewalks in those states,
they are banning cigarettes.
And those... those,
um... those, um...
young cherubic kids that
you guys try and brainwash
with your sexy ads and your
fucking... your health denials,
they are hip to your shit, baby.
Hip to your shit.
That market share is
going bye-bye, okay?
But, no, that's cool.
You just hang in there
with your Blockbuster card
and get in line
and rent your VHS tapes.
"Uh, excuse me,
uh, might you have,
uh, the behind-the-scenes
edition of Blade Runner?"
- [laughing]
- [Marty] Fucking idiots.
No, no, no,
you-you...
uh, I meant
you also
are fucking idiots, okay?
With your
psychedelic fantasy.
You think that you can survive
without these guys?
You're back there, holed up
in your maximum security utopia,
huddled behind
your stacks of cash,
'cause you can't open
a fucking bank account?
Motherfucker, my teenager
got a bank account.
Okay.
You need these guys.
They can give you a seat
at the grown-up table.
With the bankers
and the lobbyists.
Do you get it?
Big Tobacco is coming
to the party
with their big dicks out,
and they're gonna fuck
all the hot chicks.
Now, you want
to change the world?
You better play along.
You better try
and change that shit
from the inside out.
Guys, guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys, guys.
It's not about David
versus Goliath.
No, David with Goliath.
David holding hands
with Goliath.
David giving Goliath
a-a reach-around.
[Marty moans]
[Marty chuckles]
Oh, come on, am I spitting
wisdom right now?
Yes.
Do you guys need each
other right now? Yes.
Am I high as fuck right now?
Yes.
But am I making 100% complete
total sense right now?
Yes, yes, yes, I am.
At the end of the day,
let's face it,
it is better to merge
powers with an orc...
...than to fight it.
[chuckles]
Ah-boom.
Wait a minute.
Ah-ba-boom.
[chuckles]
Okay, let's deal.
You gonna open up your
wallets and make it rain?
Fair enough.
[chuckles]
Say word.
Did we really just do that?
Mm-hmm.
[Doug chuckles]
Don't get me wrong,
I'm flattered.
I just wish Marty would
have run it by me
before he used
the whole orc thing.
But I get it, he was caught up
in the moment and carried away.
Aw, you realize he was
fucked up out of his mind
when he said it, right?
[chuckles] You'll get it
eventually, Clyde.
Hang in there.
[Jeannie sighs]
Not bad for someone
who ate enough pot
to tranquilize
an elephant.
What the fuck
just happened?
[laughs]
What the fuck
just happened
is you just scored
a touchdown
with two seconds
left on the clock.
Shit, I did?
Mm-hmm.
Ah.
[chuckles]
That's cool.
[sighs]
Oh, Marty.
[sighs]
[chuckles, sighs]
I ate all the marijuanas.
You sure did.
♪ 1612 ♪
♪ That's the code
to my heart, I ♪
♪ I go one, six, one, two ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, star ♪
♪ 1612 ♪
♪ That's the code to my heart,
I, I go ♪
kind of into you...
Previously on House of Lies...
So yeah, I would
go out with you.
You can get me a TED Talk?
Yeah, the executive curator,
she's my friend.
Well, they've asked me
to give a TED Talk, so...
Are you giving a TED Talk,
or like a special TED Talk?
Could you imagine
stepping off the hamster wheel?
Are we jumping in?
Getting K and A all sexy
for Skip Galweather
and the Kohl brothers.
From this point on,
it is big game fishing only!
[Marty]
Now, kiddies,
you remember back in the day
you all had a guy in your dorm
who sold you those
sketch dime bags of weed
from his shitty hydroponic
plants he grew in his bathtub?
100%.
His name was Jonah.
I think it may have
been the closest
I've ever been
to blowing a dude.
Mmm, his name was Octavio.
- Octavio.
- I definitely blew him.
Spencer.
And I reported him.
He was a menace.
Well, I want you
to erase all memories
you have of rolling papers and
Pink Floyd posters on the wall,
'cause these Washington
State weed slingers,
[whoops] they're
like Ganja Walmart.
I got to say, even
Wall Street's taking notice.
Yeah, you're goddamn right,
and they should.
It's one of the fastest growing
industries in the nation.
$3 billion dollars in
revenue alone last year.
And that's a "B," y'all!
Sweet Jesus!
That buys a lot
of Burning Man swag.
[whispers]
Cha-ching!
[cash register dings]
[Jeannie]
Whoa. Seriously?
This is a lot less patchouli
and a whole lot
more full automatic weapons
than Jonah carried.
I'll need to see
all your IDs.
- [Clyde] Yes, sir, here we go.
- Okay.
Hi.
There you go.
Pleasant.
Well, I for one will not be
partaking while we're here.
[indistinct radio transmission]
Well, don't you
want to know why?
I'm keeping my temple pristine!
For two days from now!
Come on, the TED Talk!
I marked it in your
calendars weeks ago!
Yeah, that reminds me.
- Uh, Jeannie?
- Hmm?
While we're here,
do your best
to keep your little
temple pristine, okay?
- Yes.
- [Jeannie] Not this again.
I am fine high!
You are deeply,
deeply not fine.
You're kidding.
I'd rather get high
with Anne Hathaway.
Very cute.
Everybody gets a little chatty
when they're high!
That's like saying Octomom
got a little pregnant.
[both]
Oh...!
- Big Daddy, can I get it?
- [Doug] Alley-oop!
Jeannie, please,
do other things, okay?
Like drink or mainline heroin.
Literally anything else.
Step out of the car, sir.
Oh, okay.
No way.
I got you, Marty.
I'm gonna get footage in case
he shoots you in the back.
- Put the fucking phone away.
- Uh-uh.
Sign here.
Black lives matter.
Sorry.
[Max] Sorry for all
the military tactics.
[Marty] Come on,
who doesn't love machine guns?
[Joy] It's just that we handle
everything in cash.
Ooh, not to mention
all of this weed
just innocently sitting here.
These backwards fucking banks
won't take us on as clients,
because according
to federal law,
this whole, beautiful, uh,
spiritual, sensual operation
- is criminal!
- Crazy.
You know, the people,
they want salvation.
It's the law
that can't catch up.
- We can't have checkbooks.
- No.
We can't even
have back accounts.
[Max]
No, we are the 99%.
We are the checkbook-less.
We are unprotected.
We're naked.
Well, you're wearing
$400 sneakers,
- so you're doing okay.
- Hey, Doug?
Well, l-listen.
The man put
the people down in Ohio.
That's not gonna happen with us,
'cause we got the power
of the plant on our side.
Mm-hmm, yeah.
Last year, we sold our crops
by the ton, literally.
And edibles on top of that.
The world is changing.
Humanity is changing.
And like any people's
revolution, it takes time
to change people's minds.
- Mm-hmm.
- Their hearts.
Their lives.
Their reality.
Come see my babies.
Come here! Come here!
Yeah.
Hello, bags of money.
So you guys will be good
getting all your fees in cash?
"Cash"?
- Cha-ching.
- [cash register dings]
Yeah, you smell that?
Yeah, no, excuse me,
I'm not interested.
Yeah, move.
- Oh, it's like heaven.
- Smell?
- No, no.
- You're not to smell.
That, sir, smells
like money, money, money.
Actually, that is
the smell of civil rights.
Of a movement.
Of all the soldiers
who lost their lives
- in the War on Drugs.
- And also
- it has made us millions.
- Right.
In the words of Fidel,
"Capitalism is repugnant."
It causes hypocrisy
and war and...
[groans]
I'm sorry.
Is he quoting Castro?
Didn't I see, like, a gazillion
American dollars roll by?
You guys have all heard the
term "high as a kite," right?
- I heard that one time.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What's more beautiful
than a kite
flying in the sky?
- Maybe two kites?
- Jeannie naked?
Different Jeannie.
You don't know her.
[crying]
Nothing...
nothing is more
fucking beautiful!
Starshine.
Oh, honey.
- I think we should keep moving.
- Okay, yeah.
Come on, we'll show you
how revolution happens.
Starshine.
Here we have a sampling
of all of our products
that we supply
to vendors around the state.
Soon to be around the country
with a little cooperation
from Congress.
- Mm-hmm.
- This is fucking amazing!
I'm glad you can
appreciate it.
We package all our buds
by flavor.
We have White Rhino, Agent
Orange, Island Sweet Skunk.
- There's even a Kosher Kush.
- Mazel!
And our gourmet edibles,
all with a real taste profile.
I oversee the testing
and focus group research
on every one.
- Oh.
- Now, those are
our Mindbomb Truffles.
Our most potent.
Feel like I'm in Charlie
and the Chocolate Factory.
Whoa there,
Veruca Salt,
these are off-limits for you.
Clyde, I'm a big girl.
I can handle it.
Really? How many friends have
you made when you were high?
[scoffs]
For the night?
Tons.
Want a little taste?
No, don't...
stop that.
Cut it out.
It's not funny.
All right, I have one
shot with this talk.
If I get it right,
it will be downloaded
and shared on Facebook
ad infinitum.
What is that...
Latin for "throw up"?
[Doug] I could be legendary...
think about it.
I could be like that data
guy who swallowed a sword
for no reason or the most
popular TED Talk of all...
how orgasms work.
Popular entirely because
it gave a scientific basis
for jerking off.
Yeah, like you needed a reason.
Well, in the beginning, we were
trying to help cancer patients.
We were trying-trying to help
people suffering from epilepsy.
But now we are
changing the fucking world.
No, we are... mavericks.
- Yeah.
- [Marty chuckles]
But these people did not come
here for a history lesson.
Let's talk P&Ls,
shall we?
- Cha-ching.
- [cash register dings]
- Well, I feel enlightened already.
- Same.
We're gonna spend
the rest of the day
tightening up the valuations,
the modeling and then
we would love to come
back to you, uh, over dinner
and, uh, let you know
what we've come up with.
Dinner would be nice.
And by "tightening up
valuations,"
you mean we get to try
all the marijuanas, Marty?
[chuckles] Okay, look, I don't
want to be a buzzkill here.
- [Clyde and Marty] Too late.
- You already are, Doug.
But here's my concern...
if we partake in these samples,
we could be delayed for days!
- [Clyde groans]
- And I've got to get back
for, well, you know.
We get it, we get it,
we get it.
But we can't take it
on the plane.
And it'd be wasteful
not to try it,
- or rude really.
- Ah, shit.
Should've called in sick.
Marty, I feel sick.
So, kiddies,
were you picking up
on what Kush Lady
in there was putting down?
Yeah, Kush Lady
wants to get rich.
Correct, and Ron Zobel
has been working himself
to get deep
into the pocket of MRJ.
- MRJ the tobacco giant?
- And lobby.
They've been looking
for a big play from us,
and this could be
the mother lode.
Clyde, call Ron Zobel.
Tell him that we're
gonna land MRJ
at the same time
we're gonna work Kush.
Tell him that we've got the
biggest growers in the business,
and they're ready
to sit down and deal.
Are you fucking nuts?
He asked respectfully.
And he...
picks up his phone.
- Ron Zobel, please.
- You know, Marty,
he's not wrong.
I mean, the clash
between Big Tobacco and weed,
it's pretty insurmountable.
Not to mention, these people
seem very committed
to the movement... I mean,
"Capitalism is repugnant"?
Yeah, I got to say
that one hurt a little.
Kiddies, kiddies, kiddies,
have you not noticed
that in any partnership,
there's always one person
who's more swayed by greed
than the other?
With the right argument,
I believe we can get Joy
to come down off
of her husband's pot altar
and get on board
with the biggest play possible.
And the biggest play possible
is obviously Big Tobacco.
So she's been going along,
but she's itching for more.
Yes!
Clyde?
- Bring it in.
- In two days?
Children, we have been moving
the ball down the field
prepared to settle for a
bullshit VC expansion field goal
when we got Gronk in the corner
on a fade route for six.
What?
It's touchdown time, come on!
- Let's get it!
- Let's get it!
- Let's go!
- Let's go!
- Let's rock it!
- Let's rock it!
- Let's roll!
- Let's roll!
- Let's get it!
- Let's get it!
- Let's go!
- Let's go!
- Let's rock it!
- Let's rock!
- Let's go, put it in!
- Let's roll!
[all]
K and A!
And football, right?
[Clyde]
Ooh, this looks great.
[Joy]
Word to the wise?
The butter is infused.
Word to the wise.
The butter is delicious.
I typically don't eat dinner,
so nothing personal.
But don't worry, I smoked
plenty of, uh, the pot,
uh, before, so...
Oh, yeah, love me
some of that,
uh, the sweet Mary Jane.
And so I'm very high.
High as a...
- They get it. Hey, Jeannie?
- Hmm?
You do understand
that the edibles
are more potent
than the smoke, correct?
Hmm!
Ugh, it's like
a fucking horror movie.
Food and pot together
in the rabid claws
of Jeannie
van der Hooven.
[Joy]
We've seen every kind
of high there is,
and we embrace it.
[Max]
It's true.
It is our privilege
and our honor
to experience your bliss.
And she was
inside me
and then she
was inside,
and then she just came out.
[laughs]
You know, we get it,
we get it, we-we do.
Is-is she always... like this?
Oh, this is level one.
- This has just started.
- It gets worse.
This is nice.
Can we just get real for a
second, you know what I mean?
Like, fuck the
"consultantspeak."
- You know?
- We get you, Marty.
We do.
And we get that you get us.
[chuckles]
You're a fuckin' maverick.
Well, I do... and I am.
You guys,
you guys!
You guys.
I can feel you
being free
right now.
[Doug sighs]
[Jeannie]
Wait, wait.
What if everyone in the world
blinked at the exact same time?
Now.
Now.
Now.
You know, it's interesting.
What you do here
actually reminds me
of the third commandment
of TED Talk:
thou shalt reveal thy curiosity
and thy passion.
Mm-hmm.
These are broke.
These are broken.
So I feel you, bro.
Hey, can you get this guy
to shut the fuck up?
Who you talking about?
I don't think so.
Look, here's the thing:
the banks won't touch you.
Who gives a fuck?
Fuck those guys, okay?
I can find you money.
There's a lot of investors
that will back small
businesses like yours.
Sure, your competitors,
they're gonna
probably align themselves
with much bigger,
you know, consortiums,
multinationals,
that-that kind of thing.
And you... God, we hope
you don't get buried,
but the important
thing is
that your integrity
remains, right?
Your-your mission
remains intact.
The mission succeeds,
freedom succeeds.
Goddamn right.
Anyone for coffee?
Yeah.
Uh, I'll... I'll help out.
[clears throat]
I could use
some fresh air.
Yeah?
Okay.
- No, no, no, no.
- No.
Don't leave me with her.
Take care of her.
Do you want some coffee?
[scoffs]
You know why I'm in here, Joy.
Okay.
What's the better play?
[door creaks open, closes]
Hey, listen, okay?
Don't fly off the handle.
Big Tobacco.
Tobacco?
I see what you need.
Earplugs?
You and Clyde.
That's the love story.
No, I don't think so.
I see...
inner children.
And they want the same thing.
They both just want to...
fill the holes, you know,
where the love goes.
[gasps]
You could fill
each other's holes.
I mean, I'm not saying
I've never thought
about it, but no.
Does anyone have a guitar?
Big Tobacco is
a fucking monster, okay?
They're the biggest fucking
monster of them all.
- Yeah.
- But they have all the money
that you could ever want,
to do anything
that you want with.
Fuck handing out post-chemo
joints and lollipops;
you guys could
fucking cure cancer.
But we're growing, we're steady.
Oh, my God!
My eyes feel like
I just got them today.
Oh, my God,
could you please...
Doug, grab her.
Oh, Marty, I need a break!
- Just grab her.
- [Doug scoffs]
Listen, I know that
you guys are growing, okay?
But I'm talking about $100
million dollars, minimum, here.
And you can be hands-on
with the expansion
as all the state
and federal bullshit
gets worked out
and you'll have
the biggest voice behind you
to push through Congress, okay?
Big Tobacco has
the infrastructure,
you guys have the street cred
and the culture.
You'd be the
Starbucks of pot.
That's the play, Joy.
And it's the play
that Max should want, too.
They want you to think
it's about the money
and the power and the
suits and the cars...
- Fuck that.
- That's the opiate.
It's like having a Black Card
makes up for
having a black soul.
I have a fucking Black Card
and honestly
I don't think I'm happy.
Happiness...
the path to salvation...
can only come from
Earth feeding you.
Fuck, yes!
Take me through it
from the beginning.
I want to hear the whole fucking
thing... chapter one, go.
God... It just-just
feels like we're giving in
to everything
we've fought against.
I know, but don't
do that, okay?
You're letting your
feelings tell you a story.
You can't let feelings
make business decisions.
Okay? This isn't...
this isn't greed.
It's smart.
Yeah.
History's greatest
thinkers got high.
- Shakespeare...
- What?
Joan of Arc,
George Washington...
and he invented peanut butter.
Wow! Although
I don't think so.
I think that's
George Washington Carver.
Well, he wrote
the Constitution, so...
- Same thing.
- Look, the point is,
all the greatest innovations
come from the plant.
You've got
hemp clothes,
uh, hemp birdseed,
um, Bible pages
that were
written... on...
- Paper. Hemp.
- Hemp probably. Hemp.
You were talking
about hemp, yeah.
- Hemp probably. Yeah.
- Uh, but, you know,
it's a matter of time,
it is, till we got cars,
uh... airplanes...
Hey. Riddle me this.
How does hemp hold up against,
- say, straw?
- What's he doing?
[Clyde] Did Joan of Arc
wear hemp?
Because that would be insane
if it were a helmet.
Oh, I've always
wanted to know that.
No, I get it.
You guys, you bring me out here,
you get me to talk about the
mother plant while this fuck
- works my fucking wife in there?
- Oh, shit.
No, I want to talk about
your conspiracy theories.
Just hang in there.
Set both of your feet.
- All right? You're right.
- [Max] Hey.
Hey, he is filling your
head with toxic shit.
Marty, this is...
Sweetie, I know
what you're gonna say,
but tobacco's play
is unavoidable, okay?
- [dog squeaks]
- No, no, no, no,
no, no, no.
We don't eat dogs.
He asked me to.
You can't just eat
everything that asks you to.
[Max]
Are you selling us out?
This is our legacy, baby,
this is our fucking life.
Are you prepared
to lose our life?
'Cause that's what's
going to happen.
Look at history.
Anheuser-Busch came in
and made an empire
after Prohibition.
They totally erased the
mom-and-pop businesses like us.
I don't even
recognize you right now.
Where are you?
It's still us, okay?
We're still mavericks.
- Yeah?
- I just think we should
open our minds to it, you know?
We can use the system
to beat the system, okay?
All right, you know what? Fine.
I'll take a meeting.
Doesn't mean I'm saying yes.
And could you please
put my fucking dog down?
[growls]
Oh, hey, you would know.
Is this
a load-bearing wall, here?
You, uh, picturing
a Marty-less world, Ron?
Imagination is
actualization, Marty.
Yech. Feel like
I'm trapped in a rental car
with Mr. TED Talk
spouting his, uh, you know,
sound bite bullshit.
Don't touch my things.
T-minus two hours
and counting.
[imitates shivering,
laughs nervously]
I feel okay.
Had a bit too much coffee.
But, uh, so, listen.
Uh, good news.
I've got them to tape off
three seats for you guys,
but they're expecting
an at-capacity crowd,
so I'd get there
at least 30 minutes early.
Which part of this is
- the good news?
- Well, I got to save you...
Oh. Okay.
Well, 20 minutes early,
all right?
But then I can't guarantee
anything after...
On time.
Get there on time, you know
how to manage your schedule.
Wish me luck.
So MRJ is confirmed
for tomorrow morning.
Took some serious
arm-twisting,
since they wanted a few
months to run numbers first.
Well, that's
great, Ron.
Okay? 'Cause this is
all gonna be about timing.
Kush Vistas has too much time
to stroll down memory lane,
- we're gonna miss this window.
- Mmm.
Big Weed makin' a baby
with Big Tabaccy.
[chuckles]
How much is Skip Galweather
gonna love this
little cutie pie, eh?
Well, it's gonna be a big,
old, fat baby, isn't it?
[cackles]
Hey, Ron?
Your guys are gonna come
with their checkbooks
open, right?
Don't worry about it. No, no.
These guys are gonna
follow my lead.
See, back in the day,
I saved Syd Black's ass
during the whole
"we believe nicotine
is not addictive" phase.
Ugh, God...
You are a bad man, Ron Zobel.
Well, game recognize game, baby.
- [♪ mid-tempo music ♪]
- Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I feel like I'm
about to watch
a tiny Christian
get eaten by a lion.
Ooh...
I'm feeling funny
in my naughty place.
Hey, guys,
turn your phones off.
This is gonna be
the greatest TED Talk ever.
[♪ music continues ♪]
Big Bird's big beak... ah.
[inhales sharply]
♪ Mi mi mo mo moo ♪
♪ Mi mi mo mo moo... ♪
Tess.
Oh, my God.
- Hey.
- Hey, you okay?
Yeah. Oh, God.
No, I'm...
Because you don't look so great.
[clears throat]
You look freaked out.
[high-pitched]
Come on, no.
And your voice is
really, really high.
Oh, God, maybe I'm
a little freaked out.
- Okay. Okay.
- I don't know.
Who am I kidding?
I'm a lot freaked out.
It's all finally happening.
I can't believe it,
I've been thinking
about this moment
for so long and here it is.
- Doug...
- Hmm?
Deep breath.
You'll be amazing.
You are a dungeon master.
You are a genius.
I know that.
But what if I'm a misunderstood
genius, like Carrot Top?
- You fucking got this.
- Yeah?
And I made a reservation at
Mr. Chow after, to celebrate.
- Okay.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Ready when you are.
- Right.
- [clears throat]
- Okay.
- Okay, here you go.
- Here I go.
[sighing]
Oh, boy.
[clearing throat]
[coughs, clears throat]
Show of hands.
How-how many people
here think about orcs?
Might be having a technical
difficulty with the mic.
Are we on?
How many people here
think about orcs?
"Orcs."
Uh, okay, how about this?
Uh, you're shy,
you're nervous.
Don't be.
[chuckles]
I'll cover my eyes.
Now I can't see you.
So you can all do it.
[chuckles]
I'm sure most of you have
your hands raised.
So you can drop your h...
Okay, so not that many.
Okay.
Today, I'm going
to share with you
how to embrace
your authentic self
by defeating
the level-nine orc of doubt
that lives inside each
and every one of us.
Correction:
"level-nine orcs."
Orcs...!
[whoops]
Dougy Doug, my man!
Ah.
Are you fucking
kidding me right now?
So let's dig into Doug...
♪ Got to give the people ♪
♪ Now... ♪
Who here has ever been
defeated by an inner orc?
What's that, destiny?
I'll meet you there.
- [growls]
- ♪ Got to give the people ♪
♪ Give the people
what they want... ♪
Aah. Someone...
This is not the floor
we worked on.
♪ ♪
[laughs]
The die itself
gives birth to you.
That's what he was
building in the office.
Get out of here.
[crying, speaks indistinctly]
[crying] ...how hard
I was trying...
Please, dear God,
lubricate the bear.
Namaste.
♪ Got to give the people... ♪
- [screaming]
- [laughs]
♪ Give the people
what they want... ♪
Yeah... Fuck!
Oh! Aah!
I'm never gonna be able
to unsee this.
- [audience claps rhythmically]
- [Clyde] Yeah, do it
to the beat, do it
to the beat, Doug.
That's it!
Shit! That... No!
[music ends]
So, in closing,
if I can leave you
with just one thought,
let it be this.
In the quest to find
your authentic self,
it is better to merge
powers with an orc
than to fight it.
Oh, wasn't that fucking great?
Oh, that connected
with you?
- Hey.
- OMG.
Amazing, right?
I mean, yes, definitely.
- Aah.
- Come here.
God.
[Doug] Uh, well,
[chuckles] look at this.
Looks like I'm gonna have
to press flesh with the fans.
Okay, um...
but we should get
going, though,
if we want to make our
reservation at Mr. Chow.
Ah, yeah, Mr. Chow.
I just think I need to spend
a little more time here
and, um, [clears throat]
how about this: you go ahead,
hold the table, and I will meet
you as soon as I can break away.
If I can break away.
[chuckles]
If?
Oh, that's Lily Wu.
Producer of the talk.
I think she's looking for me.
Lily! Hey, oh, where
are you running to?
Hey, no, come
back here.
[laughs]
Yes, he's right in front of me.
I'm gonna tell him right now.
- Yes, Ron, tonight, yes.
- Wow.
Okay.
Marty, that
was Ron Zobel.
Yeah.
The meeting has
to move up, okay?
The MRJ execs are leaving
on a red-eye tonight
to go to Hong Kong, so if you
want this meeting to happen,
- it has to happen now, okay?
- [♪ synthpop music plays ♪]
Or they have a window
in eight months.
So you get it?
What do you think?
[echoing]
Marty.
♪ How you like my cut? ♪
[Clyde] [echoing]
Marty?
♪ What? How you like my cut? ♪
♪ How you like
my cut? ♪
♪ How you like my cut? ♪
♪ What? How you like my cut? ♪
♪ How you like my cut? ♪
♪ How you like
my cut? ♪
♪ What? How you like my cut? ♪
♪ How you like my cut? ♪
[CFO] We're an
American tradition.
[Max] Oh, so killing your
customers is traditional.
Un-fucking-believable.
- Marty.
- [♪ music continues ♪]
Do you have a
thought on this?
Must be nice living in a goddamn
unicorn-and-fairies wet dream.
Oh, my God, this guy.
Is this guy for real?
Yeah, well, at least
we don't sell murder.
I mean, your hair is like silk.
[Joy]
'Cause if we make the product...
- [Max] I smoke to get high.
- Marty.
- [CFO] We're done with this.
- Marty.
We're moving on to a
multibillion-dollar deal
that makes your herbal
tonics look like rat shit.
- Okay.
- Okay, you know what,
fuck these death-squad fascists.
We're out of here,
all right?
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, hey, hold it, hold up,
wait a minute, wait a minute.
I'm sorry, let me get this
straight, because I don't think
I'm quite believe I'm hearing
what I think it is I'm hearing,
which is that you guys don't
think that you need each other.
[Marty laughs]
That's beautiful.
Blockbuster?
Who knows Blockbuster?
Yeah, I remember it.
Okay, well, you remember
when Blockbuster
was hanging on by a thread?
Because it refused
to adapt to the new reality?
Guys, in every state, state
after state, day after day,
legal weed is spreading
through the states.
Spreading,
spread-spread-spread-spread.
And in those states, even on
the sidewalks in those states,
they are banning cigarettes.
And those... those,
um... those, um...
young cherubic kids that
you guys try and brainwash
with your sexy ads and your
fucking... your health denials,
they are hip to your shit, baby.
Hip to your shit.
That market share is
going bye-bye, okay?
But, no, that's cool.
You just hang in there
with your Blockbuster card
and get in line
and rent your VHS tapes.
"Uh, excuse me,
uh, might you have,
uh, the behind-the-scenes
edition of Blade Runner?"
- [laughing]
- [Marty] Fucking idiots.
No, no, no,
you-you...
uh, I meant
you also
are fucking idiots, okay?
With your
psychedelic fantasy.
You think that you can survive
without these guys?
You're back there, holed up
in your maximum security utopia,
huddled behind
your stacks of cash,
'cause you can't open
a fucking bank account?
Motherfucker, my teenager
got a bank account.
Okay.
You need these guys.
They can give you a seat
at the grown-up table.
With the bankers
and the lobbyists.
Do you get it?
Big Tobacco is coming
to the party
with their big dicks out,
and they're gonna fuck
all the hot chicks.
Now, you want
to change the world?
You better play along.
You better try
and change that shit
from the inside out.
Guys, guys, guys, guys,
guys, guys, guys, guys.
It's not about David
versus Goliath.
No, David with Goliath.
David holding hands
with Goliath.
David giving Goliath
a-a reach-around.
[Marty moans]
[Marty chuckles]
Oh, come on, am I spitting
wisdom right now?
Yes.
Do you guys need each
other right now? Yes.
Am I high as fuck right now?
Yes.
But am I making 100% complete
total sense right now?
Yes, yes, yes, I am.
At the end of the day,
let's face it,
it is better to merge
powers with an orc...
...than to fight it.
[chuckles]
Ah-boom.
Wait a minute.
Ah-ba-boom.
[chuckles]
Okay, let's deal.
You gonna open up your
wallets and make it rain?
Fair enough.
[chuckles]
Say word.
Did we really just do that?
Mm-hmm.
[Doug chuckles]
Don't get me wrong,
I'm flattered.
I just wish Marty would
have run it by me
before he used
the whole orc thing.
But I get it, he was caught up
in the moment and carried away.
Aw, you realize he was
fucked up out of his mind
when he said it, right?
[chuckles] You'll get it
eventually, Clyde.
Hang in there.
[Jeannie sighs]
Not bad for someone
who ate enough pot
to tranquilize
an elephant.
What the fuck
just happened?
[laughs]
What the fuck
just happened
is you just scored
a touchdown
with two seconds
left on the clock.
Shit, I did?
Mm-hmm.
Ah.
[chuckles]
That's cool.
[sighs]
Oh, Marty.
[sighs]
[chuckles, sighs]
I ate all the marijuanas.
You sure did.
♪ 1612 ♪
♪ That's the code
to my heart, I ♪
♪ I go one, six, one, two ♪
♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, star ♪
♪ 1612 ♪
♪ That's the code to my heart,
I, I go ♪