House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 5, Episode 6 - Episode #5.6 - full transcript

Previously on House of Lies...

[Marty]
That's right!

- You get a partnership!
- [Doug] What?

- And you get a partnership!
- No. No way!

- [Clyde screaming]
- Are you serious?!

We are on our way
to Angeles Crest Highway.

Don't worry, I'll have Jeremiah
home by 2:00, Mr. Kaan.

I'd like for you
to advise the campaign.

All right, I want you
to be part of this.

I'm not taking no
for an answer.

- Ron Zobel? What the f...?
- [Ron] Oh, hi.



I got your message
last night, man.

And the way you talked
about working together,

I'm yours, balls deep,
my brother.

[elevator bell dings]

- [woman] Good morning.
- [Marty] Morning.

What the fuck is going...?

[beeping]

Try it now.

[elevator humming]

I forgot my key card
the other day, too.

- Key card?
- Yeah.

You know, I just keep
it around my neck.

I'll get you a lanyard.

Oh, great.



A lanyard.

[elevator bell dings]

Yeah, bye.

[indistinct chatter]

- Martin!
- [Marty groans]

Get your ass over here!
Come on!

You look rested, man.
How was the cruise?

Anchors aweigh, huh?
Anchors aweigh.

Yeah, it wasn't really
that kind of a trip, Ron.

- Sorry, all right, all right.
- Okay?

I had no idea I'd be coming
back to fucking Quantico.

I mean, what
clearance level

do I need to walk into
my own goddamn office?

Did you get my e-mails?

Yeah, I got about 200
of the fucking things.

I hired you
to mind the store.

Not turn it into
fucking Gitmo.

Yeah, well, your store is
in a sketchy hood, Marty.

And it's rampant with cyber
theft, corporate espionage.

These upgraded security measures
are how you stay in business,

not to mention put
a spit-shine on the place

up your valuation, you know,
getting K and A all sexy

for Skip Galweather
and the Kohl brothers.

Uh-huh.

Also positions you rather
nicely to take over

once I leave, huh?

Well, you know.

- Big shoes to fill, man.
- Yeah.

What, are you a size 12, 13?

[chuckles] Hey, Ron, is it hard
for you to breathe like that?

What do you mean?

You know, with your nose jammed
all the way up my ass.

[wry laugh] So I hear you're
about to close Delcour, huh?

Huh? Getting our cosmetic
index all engorged

and tingly? [spits]

[wry laugh] What the
fuck is wrong with you?

Not a goddamn thing.

Good luck today.

[Clyde]
So you think voters will

just trade in their keys
for a bus pass?

Los Angeles loses its way
as a first-class city

if we're relying on cars to
drive us into the future.

I hear you; I understand
what you're saying,

but launching major initiatives
in... what do we have?

Public transportation,

water conservation, and school
reform in your first term?

Dude, it's gonna break the bank.

Seth, please, you have
to set priorities.

They're all priorities.

What if...
one of them wasn't?

[laughs]

They're all gonna face
stiff oppositions.

I know that.

Look, that's what
I'm talking about.

I mean, in our current
political culture,

we've internalized the "no."

We don't reach for things
anymore, because

what's the point?
Nothing's gonna

come of it, anyway,
so why even try?

But when we stop shooting
for the moon,

I tell you, man, we...
we die as a society.

Oh! If I weren't
holding this bagel,

I would slow-clap

the shit out of this moment.

Um, Clyde, we're getting
ready to head out.

You two will have to continue
crafting empty promises later.

Well, now, wait a second.

What makes you think
they're empty?

Um...

I've been alive.

[Jeannie scoffs, Clyde laughs]

[Clyde] Jeannie,
do you want some more

cream cheese on your bagel?

Or are you fi... you're fine.

- Okay.
- [Clyde] Okay.

Seth Buckley,

this dignified woman is
Jeannie van der Hooven.

Jeannie, this is...

Seth Buckley,
running for mayor.

I recognize you
from the

ten million campaign flyers

plastered to my windshield
every morning.

I'm... I'm sorry, you have...

[Clyde]
To tell us

more about your concerns.

I mean, we are eager
to hear them.

- Thank you so much.
- [Seth] No, actually,

y-you have a little
bit of cream cheese...

- Uh...
- I can get that for you.

Mm?

See?

I do care about
my constituents.

[Marty]
Hey, David Plouffe,

you still work for K and A?

Yes, actually, Marty...
Marty, Marty, Marty...

I want you to
meet Seth.

Marty Kaan,
this is Seth Buckley.

Seth Buckley,
Marty Kaan.

- How you doing?
- Nice to meet you.

- You, too.
- And you know what?

- I think that is everybody.
- No, not quite everybody.

So if you want to head
on out, I'm telling you,

- you should get out right now.
- Let... excu... rude!

Doug Guggenheim.

- So nice to meet you.
- Hi.

Can we go now? 'Cause we do
have a hair appointment to keep.

- Sure.
- Great.

- Good luck with the campaign.
- Thank you.

Very good talk today.

Sincerely. Okay?

You can let yourself out?

Yeah, yeah, actually,

actually, uh,
hold on one second.

What is her story?

Who, Jeannie?

It'd be cool if I call her?

Why would you call Jeannie?

Well, why do you think
I'd call her?

I'm assuming
you have her number?

Yeah.

I got her number,
all right.

[♪ funky music ♪]

♪ ♪

[Doug] Oh, wow!

Can you believe
all these free samples?

Douglas, those products
are for black hair.

What in the fuck
you gonna do with...

curling custard?

Don't forget to use
a relaxer

before you put
the custard in.

Yeah. I know.

I'm grabbing all
these for Tess.

She gets a little kinky
in the mornings,

and I don't mean the sex.
[chuckles]

I also mean the sex.

Oh, yeah, vegetables...
not just for salad anymore.

[man] Whether she wants
a more relaxed look,

or a natural, or just
to have fun with braids,

we offer a variety of
organic conditioners

that will keep
her hair healthy.

Go ahead, baby,
give it a whip.

[thwack]

Oh... whew!

Well, snatch off your wave caps
and set down your hot combs.

We are at the annual

Braxton Brothers
International Beauty Sh...

[coughs, spits]

Jesus!

...one of the largest trade
exhibitions for black hair.

Come see the newest
trends or...

set up a booth and cash in
on the over $700 million dollars

that black folks spend every
year to get their hair did.

Let the church say, "Amen"?

[all]
Amen!

[Marty]
Mm!

Oh, and these rather anxious-
looking white folks here?

They are our clients,
executives at Delcour,

third largest beauty
company in the world,

promising to bring "Paris
runways to your driveway."

Like countless European
colonizers before them,

Delcour sees opportunity
on this dark continent.

So we are just going
to have to colonize...

...the colonizers.

Devin, we are
so excited

to relaunch your brand
under our banner.

All right.
Marty.

[chuckles] Hey. So, have
you reviewed the offer?

We have, and it's
very generous.

We're almost there.

Almost?

Hey, who's gonna see
change coming?

Me or these guys?

I cannot maintain an edge

unless I have final say

over Planet Curl's
operational budget.

We're gonna look over
the counteroffer.

- Great.
- [phone rings]

Hold on.

- [clears throat]
- [ringing continues]

I'm sorry,
I gotta take this.

- [Marty] Sure.
- [ringing continues]

And this smooth
motherfucker right here,

[wry laugh] waving his black
flag to leverage more control,

this is Devin Townsend,
CEO of Planet Curl,

and soon to be head of
Delcour's Planet Curl division.

[ringing resumes]

Marty, what is with
all these demands?

I thought we had a deal.

I guess the guy really
knows his worth.

Devin Townsend
grew Planet Curl

to $70 million dollars
in sales last year alone.

[Doug]
Oh, yeah, hands down,

that man is your best entrée
into this market space.

Correct.

I would not have flown

to this asshole you call
a city if he wasn't.

We are ready to close.

Make him an offer
he'll sign, okay?

That's what we're working on.

[golf putter hitting ball]

[Donald groans]

[chuckles]
Tough greens to read!

[Devin] Maybe she thought
there was

a second hole
past the first hole.

[Devin snickers]

[Donald laughs]

If y'all are still hungry,

I left a sack of dicks
you can munch on

back at the clubhouse.

- [Devin whoops]
- Hey, keep it up.

- All right, you too, man.
- Keep it up.

Keep it up and
that money's ours.

Start that on the green, hard.

Rita, you ever see a movie
called The Color of Money?

You know, if you're gonna
hustle somebody,

you actually have to
start making shots.

I mean, you can golf, right?

You need to chill
the fuck out, Marty.

I got this.

Just go hit another
one of your shitty ones.

[Devin]
I may skip

this Delcour deal, Marty.

I can make more money, uh,
playing golf with your friends.

[both laughing]

[Marty]
Oh, uh,

she's not my friend, okay?

She's dating my dad.

[dramatic gasp] Oh, you brought
your stepmother to play golf.

- That is so sweet.
- [Marty chuckles]

Not actually
my stepmother, either.

Okay. All right.

Change is hardest
on the children.

- [Donald] Hmm.
- [laughing]

Rita, before I forget,
my wife wants to get

something called a blowout?

Yeah, she said she wants
to keep it all natural.

Can you give me
a recommendation to a salon

or something like that?

Oh, yes, she should check out...

Well, it all depends on the
texture of the hair, you know.

No, no, go ahead,
'cause you know more

about black women's hair
than me.

Well, take Rita here,
you know?

She's got real shiny curls,

and I tell you, man,
this...

look how healthy
this hair is, really.

And the color is great, too.

You must use a deep
conditioning treatment...

something...
this is amazing.

Where did you say you
were from again? De-Detroit?

Yeah, yeah. You?

Oh, uh, Virginia.

But I heard
about this place,

um, the Carriage House...

it's supposed to have the
best soul food in Detroit.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
No, that place is the bomb.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

[Marty]
Hey, black Zagat's.

Can we golf?

[all talking at once]

Yeah, I didn't know
we was that loud.

Come on, man!

- Oh, get... get!
- Oh, no...

- Oh, man. That's not good.
- Come on, man.

- [Donald] Marty, close the face.
- Yeah, I know.

- Close the face down.
- I know.

Oh, let me line you
up here, dawg.

Nah, I got this,
big dawg.

[Devin] I got you, man!
Come, let's do it!

[Donald]
I notice you tend to put

some backspin
on that bad boy.

Uh, you might want
to check your boy.

Which one?

Devin. The white one.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

He looks black,
he says he's black,

but he ain't black.

The Carriage House
does not have

the best soul food
in Detroit.

Do you know why
I know that?

Because the Carriage
House is in Chicago.

What are you... What is this,
a Columbo act or something?

Furthermore, that fake Negro
had his hand all up in my hair.

Unless you're my stylist and
I'm sitting in your chair,

I don't give a fuck what
you do for a living...

you do not touch a
black woman's hair.

Even you know that, Marty, and
you don't even date black women.

- I...
- Stop.

[Donald]
Oh, boy, oh, boy,

- oh, boy!
- Oh, no.

It's gonna be
a long day, brah.

Oh, no, I can feel the money
just going in my pocket.

- Shimmy, shimmy. Mm-hmm.
- Mmm.

- This just feels so good.
- [Donald laughs]

Why don't we play the back nine
at, uh, $300 a hole?

- Oh, shit, by all means.
- Yeah. Yes.

- Please, let's do.
- Listen, if you want to keep

contributing to
my retirement fund,

your money's
still green.

- What the...?
- Oh, shit.

You trying... you trying
to hustle us, Marty?

A good shot.

All right, now,
which one of you ass-clowns

wants to be the mystical caddy
in my Bagger Vance?

All-time top ten.

Love that movie.

A man's grip on his club
is like his grip on the world.

- Uh-huh.
- Yes.

He just said he
loved Bagger Vance.

- Just...
- The Legend of.

[golf club swings]

[Doug]
Well, the good news is

Devin is in fact
African-American.

And the bad news?

Well, African-American
in that

his family emigrated
from Cape Town.

So... you be the judge.

I'd say his complexion's more
de Klerk than Mandela.

[Jeannie]
Sorry.

I forgot my fucking key card.

What's going on?

We have run into a little hitch
with this Delcour plan.

I wouldn't use the word
"hitch" in this case.

"Hitch" is probably
a strong word.

It's more like a
moral quandary, really.

That's a little better, yeah.

You fucking pussies,
just say...

Devin isn't black.

Not-not black how?

Johannesburg, 1972.

A country torn asunder
by apartheid...

What? Whoa.

Doug.

Oh.

Marty,

all your palling around
with this guy,

and your black-dar
never went off?

Whoa. What about your white-dar?

It's pretty fucking
defective, too.

- This guy is one of yours.
- [Doug] It's strange.

I don't know why any white
person would want to be black.

- Uh...
- Well, there's sports, of course.

You know, basketball,
marathon running, all that jazz.

- Uhp, there's another one, jazz.
- [groans]

So what are we gonna do?

Same thing we
did last time

we had a black CEO
turn out to be white.

So... no idea?

No fucking idea.

[sighs]

People are
complicated, right?

I mean, they can be
a real mix of...

good qualities
and bad qualities.

Really fucking deep, Clyde.

I brought it up

'cause I was thinking
about Seth.

Remember Seth Buckley?

On one hand, dude
is super smart

with policies and politics,
but in his personal life,

he just can't...
he can't take a hint.

You obviously hate him.

And he keeps pestering me
for your phone number,

so I told him don't
even worry about it.

I didn't give it to him.
We're good, okay?

Hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.

Seth wants to ask me out?

Yeah, but we're good.
Bullet dodged.

Seems like you really don't
want me to go out with him.

What would make you...?

Good, 'cause I'm gonna
fuck his brains out.

Are you cool
if we used your bed?

You're kidding, right?

Am I?

Jeannie. Jeannie, Jeannie.

Jeannie, listen.

Seth has a real shot
of being mayor,

of being a great mayor.

Now, I know you usually limit
your radius of human wreckage

to your tiny circle
of friends and family,

but this could have
atomic bomb repercussions

on all of fucking Los Angeles.

I don't know, Clyde, I really
like to play to a big room.

Don't fuck things up for him.

And by "him," you mean you.

Don't worry, Clyde.

I have no interest
in fucking your boyfriend.

Thank you. Thank you.

But just so you know, if you
want to fuck him in my bed,

I'm cool with that.

Marty, my man.

- Oh, hey.
- [chuckles]

- Hey.
- Thanks for coming in, man.

Absolutely, man.
Whatever you need, brother.

[chuckles]

You and Rita really ran a game
on us this morning, man.

[chuckles] Uh, speaking
of games, have a seat.

[clears throat]

- So, look, it's, uh...
- Mm-hmm.

...it's just us
talking right now.

Sure.

Um, is there anything
that you want to tell me?

About what?

I don't know.

I mean, I'm sure if
you think really hard,

something will
come to mind.

No, I-I don't think
I'm following.

Uh, yeah, I'm
just thinking,

anything about your
past, you know.

Your "blackground."

[both laugh]

I mean, your biological parents,
they were...

Wonderful people.

- Marty, what are you getting at?
- [clears throat]

Ah.

You're not black, Devin.

No, uh, I don't
understand the question.

I didn't ask you a question.

I made a statement.
You're not black.

[chuckles]

- Um...
- [chuckles] Devin,

- I know. Devin, listen...
- [laughs] Wait...

I already know, so...

You're a phony.

I mean, you're a sad clown
in a fucking business suit.

Your-your whole waking life is
like a Kabuki show in blackface

with the bronzer and
the head shaving.

Look, we're-we're still
gonna make this money,

but don't you want to

drop the whole
act for a second,

you know, all
the theatrics,

and just be real?

Hmm.

[laughs]

You know what's real, Marty?

I applied to Wharton
three times as a white guy

and was denied admission.

I checked "African-American"
the fourth time around...

- [snaps fingers]
- ...got right in.

[sighs] Man.

Will white men
ever catch a break?

You know what's worse
than discrimination?

What?

Feeling invisible.

Void of culture, guilty
of crimes I didn't commit.

I step out into the world
as a black man,

for better or for worse,
people see me.

Yeah. Being black's really
working out well for you, huh?

Me being black is working out
for a lot of people.

[laughs] Okay. You're gonna
have to run that one back.

What?

Curious,

how many black people
have you hired at K and A?

You done
any mentoring lately?

Community boards?

Church groups?

Maybe you should

thank me for all the work
that I do.

I mean, go ahead. [chuckles]

Play golf, uh,
shut out the world.

I-I'll hold it down
for the two of us.

'Cause, you see, Marty, um,

in a lot of ways,
I'm blacker than you.

Yeah, except in one small
but kind of crucial way, Devin.

You're not actually black.

But I am where it counts
the most, you feel me?

Oh, my God, please tell me

you're not talking about
your dick right now.

Oh, God. Marty.

Right here.

This is where
it counts the most.

You know, I almost wish

you were talking about
your dick right now.

Fuck, fuck, fuck
that piece of shit

Al Jolson, minstrel show,
Devin Townsend.

Pull up everything we have
on Asantewa Hair Care.

We are switching horses.

Asantewa isn't Planet Curl.

You're right. It's better.

Asantewa is an eye to the future
instead of the past.

With Planet Curl,
Delcour was paying a huge markup

for name recognition. Okay?

Asantewa is the value buy.

It's what Planet Curl was
15 years ago.

Together the two of them can
grow at a third of the cost.

It's great.

Okay, well, what happens
when Jean-Michal says,

[French accent]
"Uh, where's your pal?

"Uh, that articulate fellow
whose dick was balls deep

in your mouth for the last
four months... where did he go?"

That was good.

- Really? I don't know.
- Yeah.

I mean, I don't know shit
about French accents,

but I thought
it was pretty good.

I'll tell you what I do know.

That motherfucker Devin
is about to have

a real black experience:
unemployment.

Make it happen.

You got it, boss.

[♪ up-tempo music ♪]

[chuckles]

Well?

"Well" what?

What you mean "what"?

Was I right about
your vanilla friend?

You were right.
You were right.

Okay, so let
the jokes begin.

I'm ready.
Three, two, one.

This is no joking matter.

Thank you. Appreciate it.

Got a call from
the State Department today.

They're revoking
your black card.

[laughter]

Don't worry,
don't worry.

We are gonna help you
study for the retest.

Uh-huh.

If the cookout starts at 1:00,

what time should you arrive?

[Jeremiah]
Name your favorite

celebrity in The Wiz.

Michael Jackson
doesn't count.

Ah.

This is great stuff.

I mean, really, really good.

[laughter]

Hey.

What you doing up?

Thought you had to
get your beauty sleep

for the big modeling
gig tomorrow.

It's in two days, actually,
and I'm not gonna go.

What do you mean you're not
gonna go? Why not?

Dad, being straight edge
is more than just

veganism and abstinence.

It's about subversion
of dominant culture.

Modeling doesn't give off
the right message.

Does this have anything
to do with the fact

that your modeling gig
is for the Sears catalog?

[Rita] You know, a lot of
big models got their start

doing catalog work.

Tyra Banks.

- See?
- Marty,

she's an African-American model
of prominence.

Dad, I thought you'd be happy.

I thought you didn't
want me to be a model.

I don't.

Okay, then.

But-but wait a minute,
wait a minute.

I also don't want you
just to pack it in

because fame and success
isn't being handed to you.

Listen, sometimes you
got to eat some shit.

Okay? The trick is to figure out
the minimum amount of shit

you got to eat
and still get what you want.

[Rita] What your dad's
saying is you need to keep

your eyes on the prize.

That's a song black
people used to sing

back during the Civil
Rights Movement.

[Jeremiah]
You do know

what the Civil Rights
Movement is?

[chuckles]

Yeah. You know,

this whole new you, Pop?

I don't like it.

Don't like it.

I'm gonna be in the bedroom.

O-Okay...

- Toby or Kunta Kinte?
- [laughing]

Chess or dominoes?

[Marty]
Okay.

- [laughter]
- [door closes]

Ron, is there something...?

I'm-I'm hearing rumblings.

Now...

when I heard the rumblings...

I thought, no way.

I mean, th-this can't be right.

'Cause Marty Kaan
is ruthless.

Marty Kaan is a fucking tack,
he's so goddamn sharp.

Marty Kaan doesn't give a shit
about shit.

And he's certainly
not gonna fuck up

an $80 million dollar
acquisition deal

because some ethnically fluid
douche bag hurt his feelings!

Delcour wanted an entrée
into the black hair market.

That's exactly what
we're gonna deliver.

Uh, with Asantewa?

The earthy,

neo-Nubian start-up that offers

a free Erykah Badu download

with every bottle of beeswax?

Hey. Who doesn't like Erykah?

The Kohl brothers,

I'm thinking, right?
You remember them?

Those are the gentlemen
who are looking to put

tens of millions
of dollars in your pocket.

Ron, I'm not a
fuckin' idiot, okay?

I understand how important
Delcour is to our portfolio.

We're gonna keep them happy.

By pitching a company Planet
Curl outshines in sales index,

distribution models,
nearly every metric

by which we measure growth?

It is a value-based
approach, all right?

- It's different...
- Hey, Delcour isn't shopping

for a bargain.

Do you understand? They
want to own the market!

I will talk to Devin, and I will
tell him you've stopped pouting.

In the meantime,
okay, take your anger,

you take your pride, okay,
and you put them in a box, see,

and you tie it up in a
tight little bow, right,

you put your cock there
and set the knot,

and you take it to maybe your
Aunt Sally for Christmas

or Kwanzaa, Hanukkah,
whatever the fuck,

and you go and you close Delcour
like a fuckin' big boy!

- Ron.
- [laughs] Yeah?

Get the fuck out of my office.

[♪ mid-tempo music ♪]

- Uh, uh...
- Ron.

Hey. Jeannie.

So glad I ran
into you.

Right outside my office...
what are the odds of that?

Oh. Yeah, well,

some might call that fate.

Or stalking.

- Some people also call it stalking.
- Well,

Clyde told me that you guys
are gonna be working late,

so I thought I'd be nice
and bring you some coffee.

And you only brought two?

Well, they ran out
of those trays.

Look, I don't know
what Clyde told you,

- but I'm not...
- He told me

that you're not interested
in dating,

which... I totally respect.

Clearly, you don't,
though, 'cause you're...

- here and...
- No, I just wanted

to give you an opportunity
to say no for yourself.

Plus, this pour-over brew
is... out of this world.

Come on, look...

humor me, all right?
Don't make me walk out of here

with two cups in my hand...
that'd be so embarrassing.

You're not even in office yet,

and you're already
wasting money.

- Aw... busted.
- Yeah.

[elevator bell dings]

- [Marty] Hey.
- Oh, hey. Bad news.

They ran out of
the honey prawns you like.

We got the drunken noodles
instead.

Yeah, whatever.
Listen, game change, okay?

- We're pulling the plug on Asantewa.
- Why?

Uh, because
I said so, Clyde.

Wha... wait, wait, wait... we're
going back to Planet Curl?

[scoffs]
Are you kidding?

After working
round the clock?

Eating two-and-a-half-
star Thai food, at best?

And prepping a baseline
for Asantewa?

[clears throat] Which has
been a pleasure, by the way.

Oh, you're welcome.
Listen, I found a way

to make Planet Curl work, okay?
So meet me in my office

in five minutes, I'll get you
up to speed on the game plan.

- Hey, numb nuts, I'm talking to you, too.
- Yeah.

[Clyde]
Planet Curl, I got it.

[Seth]
No, I coach youth league,

honestly, because I
really love basketball.

It's not for press or...
a chance to stump

or anything like... it's
just... straight ballin'.

[laughs]

So you hang out in South L.A.
for the fun of it?

Well, I-I grew up not too far
from there, in Lincoln Heights.

I see a lot
of myself

in those kids.

And I don't care
if the world

has lowered
their expectations of them.

I haven't.

[groans] Oh...
I think we're being watched.

Hey.

Hey, Seth. What's up, man?
Do we have

- a meeting on the books, or...?
- No, I actually

just came by to bring coffee
for you and Jeannie,

which I then
proceeded to drink.

[laughs]

Anyway, hate to break
this up, but Marty

wants to see us
in his office, so...

Yeah, I should probably
get going anyway.

- I'll walk you out.
- I'll walk you out.

- She can walk me out.
- Jeannie, yeah, yeah, of course.

Dude, good
to see you.

I didn't really...

[♪ mid-tempo music ♪]

♪ ♪

[Doug]
So, all employees

of Planet Curl
will be absorbed

by the new entity Delcour.

Substantive changes,

like policy, benefits,
NDAs, that sort of thing,

- you know.
- Mm-hmm.

Uh, just initial here.

I heard you're having
dinner with Seth tonight.

I am.

Seriously, if you're just
doing this to fuck with me...

[groans] Relax, Clyde.
Not everything is about you.

He's actually... kind of great.

[Doug]
Merci beaucoup.

[Doug chuckles]

- And that should pretty much cover it.
- Great.

- You may now kiss the bride.
- [laughing]

[Marty]
Hang on a second, guys.

Um... I think we skipped over
the part where they say

"speak now or forever
hold your peace,"

because I had something
that I really want to add.

What is it, Marty?

Fire this cracker.

That's a joke, right?

No.

I'm sorry, what's
happening here?

You're banking
on an image, correct?

I mean,
in beauty...

[clears throat] you live or die
by how the world sees you.

So tell me, what is it...

that you see?

An attempt to force me
to answer a question

I shouldn't have to.

This-this is a high-tech
lynching.

[Clyde] Really?
It feels kind of low-tech to me.

That's just a JPEG,
Marty, right?

Oh, yeah, that's just something

we found and turned it
into a JPEG.

Come on, man, I thought
you were smarter than this.

[exhales] And I thought
you were black. Whoops.

Marty, you knew about this,
and you still had me sign

those documents...
it's un-fucking-believable.

From an ethical standpoint,
you're absolutely correct.

I'm sorry, Jean-Michal, we
should have told you earlier.

- You're fired.
- You may want to rethink that.

I mean, firing
the black consultant

who told you about the
white man you hired

pretending to be black?

It's not gonna
look good.

- No.
- Mm-mm.

[Marty]
Listen...

this asshole almost
blew us all out of the water.

Don't let him ruin
what is a perfectly good

working relationship.

[Clyde] We have three
very qualified candidates

chomping at the bit to jump
into this position.

You willing to take that risk?

When I got
to Planet Curl,

it was a garbage fire, okay?

We are now poised to hit

the $100 million dollar mark
in sales this year.

And all the candidates
are totally amenable

to doing business
the way Delcour sees fit.

I'll-I'll back off my demands
for budget control.

[Jeannie] We're gonna stay
ahead of the narrative,

showing how you both discovered
there was a problem

and then found
a solution.

No, there's no other
fucking solution.

Planet Curl

may be the chocolate
cookies, okay?

But I'm-I'm the white guts
that's holding it all together

and making it
delicious, okay?!

I'm the real Oreo!

Not a fake Oreo like Marty!

[quietly]
Wow.

Did you even hear
what you just said?

[hits table]

Okay.

- [hits table]
- Okay.

[Jeannie] I think
that's your cue to leave.

Yeah, that's what that was.

[groans]
Aw... Devin.

Don't take it
too hard, buddy.

At least you get to go
back to being white.

I'd try only one chai latte
a day, though...

you don't want to rush it.

White people,
how much NPR we thinking?

[Clyde]
Start with one hour a week

of This American Life
and figure it out.

- ♪
♪
- [camera shutter clicking]

[woman]
It's Christmas morning!

Happy, happy Christmas!

You're so happy

around the tree.

It's lovely, lovely.

Put your arm
round him, Mum.

Hey, buddy. Smile.

Uh, one second.
I-I'll be right back.

Dad, can I talk to
you for a second?

Why are you here?
I told you I'd be done by 8:00.

Come on, man, I didn't
want to miss this.

You kidding?
In fact, you know what?

Let me get a selfie.

- I'll post this on Insta...
- No, no, no, no.

They want you in the Santa hat
for this next one.

I'm not gonna wear that.

But the client specifically...

If you want to throw away the
last hour's worth of photos

and find yourself
another model,

you can do that.

But I'm not wearing
this stupid hat.

- Okay. No hat.
- [Marty] No hat.

[woman] Roscoe, love,
Christmas is coming!

- We need you back on set!
- [Roscoe sighs]

Santa's on his way.

- Dad, this is the worst day of my life.
- Aw, really?

'Cause this is the
best day of my life.

[laughing, snorting]

And here we go!

Lovely, lovely. Oh!

And we've got
some new options.

That special... oh.

No. I think that's
a little too understated.

U-Understated?

[woman] We want something
that really screams

Christmas. Yes.

That is fabulous.

♪ Rock them bells ♪

[shutter clicks]

♪ Let's rock ♪

♪ Rock them beats,
rock-rock them beats ♪

♪ Let's rock, rock them beats ♪

♪ Rock-rock them beats, beats ♪

♪ Rock them beats,
rock-rock them beats ♪

♪ Let's rock, rock them beats ♪