House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 5, Episode 10 - Episode #5.10 - full transcript

Cuba strategy for the Kohl
brothers. Let me hear it.

Previously on House of Lies...

Communists stole
our birthright.

We're gonna take back
what's ours.

[Marty] We are orbiting
the fucking payday

to end all
motherfucking paydays.

[Jeannie] Assuming your ex-wife
doesn't win the offer first.

Seven times my revenue.

When Skip buys my firm,

that's what he's gonna
put in my pocket.

Maybe we take this
away from Monica.

Well, fuck yeah.

[Ron] Skip just called,
and the Kohl brothers

- are going with Monica.
- Until they sign

on that dotted line,
we can still win this thing.

Take off the Coke-bottle
glasses. You lost.

Monica hacked into our server.

Something you could
use to your advantage,

since she doesn't know
you know.


You want to win
this thing, right?

I don't know.

[Marty] We're going
55,000 miles an hour

toward Cuba,

and you want
to slow down.

[♪ theme music plays ♪]

♪ ♪

[birds chirping]

[♪ dark music playing ♪]

♪ ♪


[♪ dark music continues ♪]

♪ ♪

- [kids chattering in Spanish]
- [soccer ball bouncing]

[♪ Cuban music playing ♪]

Where's the
goddamn hotel?

How close are we to the office
we're going to later?

Oh, no, we're not going
to an office, Jeannie.

No, the Cubans
like to do business

in cafes and
restaurants. Yeah.

- [camera clicks]
- Yeah, they're collegial people,

swashbuckling, just
impossibly romantic.

How do you shut this thing off?
Is it a button inside or...?

You know, as Graham
Greene once said,

[Cuban accent] "In Havana,
anything is possible."

Did he say it with that stupid
accent, or how did he say it?

- [whooshing]
- [crowd chatter stops]

Welcome to Cuba. [chuckles]

Oh, the perfect jewel of
newly-budding capitalism.

Like a long-dormant
socialist succulent,

one that somebody forgot
to water for 50 years.

But today, motherfuckers, today
Marty Kaan is up in this joint,

ready to make it rain for my new
best friends, the Kohl brothers,

who are gonna spend so much
of their dirty, sexy money

on buying my company that
I officially do not have to

give a fuck about another thing
for as long as I live.

Oh, yes, we are gonna put a
five-star hotel on every beach,

a world-class golf course
in every farmer's field,

fuck it, a Starbucks
on every corner,

because today, today, we start
making this Marty Kaan's Cuba,

profit-turning Cuba.

You might as well call it
"Cuba the resort,"

because by the time
I'm done with this place,

it is gonna jingle
and shine and spit money

like a five-dollar slot machine.

[crowd chatter resumes]

Ooh, nice.


Don't have any bars.

Oh, fuck no.

I know. I haven't seen
a single hybrid.

No, no, look in
fucking front of you.

Oh, great. You know,
my balls literally ascend

into my viscera
when I see her.

Mine, too.

Kaan & Asycophants, huh?

Monica, Monica, Monica.

Oh, you'd be
so much more handsome

without these warts and goiters.

You should really
have them removed.

And let's talk about
how sad it is

that you're here
pursuing business

that you're never gonna get.

Ah, well, you know, we just
wanted to see the place

before you raped
and pillaged it.


You gonna introduce us
to your friend?

- No.
- No.


- No.
- [Skip] Really?

You lose,
but you show up anyway.

I don't know,
that seems undignified.

But I guess it's the
right of the vanquished

to sift through the ashes
of their ruined village.


It's good to see
you, too, bud.

Wait a minute,
did we miss a memo?

Because I seem to remember
the Kohl brothers indicating

that this whole thing
was still up for grabs.

- And that you were a pussy.
- They did say that.

[Clyde] Also, Skip,
you look like Ricky Ricardo

fucked Justin Bieber.

- Oh!
- Just all over your shirt.

[both chatter excitedly]

You look like such a tourist.

All right, all right,
you know what?

Let's just play nice,
everybody, okay?

- It's a bountiful country.
- Sure.

- There's plenty for everyone.
- All right.

Skip, I'm gonna actually,
if you don't mind.

- [car horn honks]
- [man] Taxi!

- Wait. [chuckles]
- Oh.

What you got working, Marty?

Now, what makes you think
I got something working, Mo?

Oh, because of
your fucking tell.

You see,
quiet, humble Marty...

that means he's got
a shiv in his palm.

You know what?
Just enjoy Cuba, baby.

And thank you for letting me
know I have a tell.

Yeah, no problem.

There's plenty more
where that one came from.

What? Oh, my God,
what happened?

- What?
- The hell is wrong with you?

- What happened?
- What did you do?

- Don't you dare.
- Did someone hit you

- in the face?
- I know...

- What's wrong?
- That's so dangerous.

You can get an infection
like that.

Okay, I'm sorry.
I didn't know

- you can get an infection.
- Oh, yeah?

- I had no idea. I had no idea.
- You can get an infection.

I've taken two Ambien, okay?

And I really need to catch my
sleep window, so cut it out!

Okay. I'm sorry,
for real.

- I apologize.
- [sighs]

No, I'm sorry.
Maybe I overreacted, but...

I didn't know it was gonna
wake you up, first of all.

- For real, I'm sorry.
- Well, it did wake me up.

Excuse me.


Ugh. I'm a child.

That's my problem;
I don't fucking grow up.

Got to learn.

- No way. Twice? No.
- I don't believe it.

- You know what?
- What, it happened again?!

I can't be near you.
I can't...

- It wasn't me that time!
- Don't follow me.

For real,
it wasn't me that time.

You are a child.

You're a child.


Hello. Pardon me.
Do you mind terribly

if I sit here?

Oh. Well, of course
you can sit here.

Oh, thank you.

- [Clyde] Hey.
- [Marty] Hey.

[clears throat]
Just trying to

focus on this, you know,
make sure we're bulletproof

on all this Cuba stuff.

I think we're in
pretty good shape.

- [scoffs] You do?
- Yeah.

Well, if we can secure
these long-term leases

in our first meeting, and
then, you know, walk that into

our meeting with the
Secretary of Commerce,

with all that
nailed down,

then we might be
all right, yeah.

Everything good?

You want to be
more vague?

With you and Jeannie.

I mean, you're not
sitting next to each other.

She's got her headphones on;
she only does that

- when she's pissed off.
- Hey, Clyde.

So, mind my own
fucking business.

Copy that. You got it.

- Bueno.
- Sorry. Bueno.


What about you though?


What are you gonna do
with all that cheddar?

All the time
on your hands?

- You mean if we win this thing?
- Correct.


Guess I'd live the dream.

What does that
look like?

I have no fucking idea.

- Correct.
- [Jeannie] Guys?

I'd probably build houses for
people who can't afford houses.

- [laughing]
- That's probably me, right?

- No, I don't...
- Guys?

- Oh, no, I'm not gonna do that.
- No.

I'm definitely not gonna do
that. Sorry. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- Guys!
- What?

Oh, fuck.

[both panting]

Oh, memory, please
do not hit "record."

I got it.
Don't even worry about it.

- Thank you, Ambien.
- [phone beeps]

[Marty] Isn't this one
of those situations

where, you know,
we should

say something to save him
the embarrassm...

- No!
- No! No, no.

I wonder if we'll have time

to see Ernest
Hemingway's house.

That simpleton?

Seriously, Doug?
Ernest Hemingway?

All those
five-word sentences?

"Word senten..."
That's a five-word sentence!

- So pretentious.
- Two-word sentence.

- You cut the fat a bit.
- How about you guys shut

- the fuck up and listen, okay?
- Sheez.

Guy we're meeting is
named Samuel Orozco.

Zobel seems to think
he's a real asset, okay?

Managed to make a pretty good
dent in the marketplace here.

Yeah, but a dent's not gonna
do it for the Kohl brothers.

They're gonna want to eat
Cuba for breakfast.

And we are going to feed
it to them, all of it.

Oh, kind of like
how you fed your tongue

to Granny on the plane.
Do you remember?

- Oh, God, ugh.
- Mmm.

Look, I don't remember too much,
thanks to the Ambien,

but what I do remember
was pretty hot.

Ah, I don't know. She kind of
made a beeline for the exit

the second we landed.

Where are you,
my sweet mystery lover?

Ah, probably dead of
natural causes by now.

- Oh! Let's go that way.
- Okay.

So what does phase one

of your Kohl brothers
project look like, Doug?

Well, my initial projection
is 18 hotels and resorts,

four of their hotel brands

across all the mid-to-upper
price points.

Ooh, I'll take a hotel
on Atlantic, Pennsylvania

and Park-o Place-o,
por favor.

You know what?
A fun Cuba fact

is that the classic
Parker Brothers game Monopoly

is actually illegal here.

Wow. Irrelevant and
who gives a fuck?

- Well...
- You really think

if we kiss this guy
into the deal,

he'll help us
make this happen?

- Well, we'll see.
- [Samuel] Marty!

I mean, you got another play?

[band singing Cuban music]

[band continues singing
Cuban music]

♪ ♪

You feel it?

Uh, well, I feel...

You feel something.

But you're no longer
really on point.

Your agenda is cloudy.

You have a feeling that
you left something behind,

but in that way where you really
have no idea what that thing

- that you left behind is.
- [Doug] Yes.

[chuckles] Oh, my God,
get out of my head,

- Cuba man.
- [Clyde] Okay.

That's very accurate,
but I am also

a little bit drunk, so...

Me three.

It's this place.

For good and bad,
it'll redirect you.

Let me guess...
you've done your little

consultant regression models

that project that you can
build this many hotels

and lease this much land,

and that your market growth
will be equal "X"

and that your profit
will be "Y," yes?


Pretty much.


Well, here's the thing.

All of that... [whistles]
throw it in the ocean.

You can't quantify
anything here.

In Cuba, nothing will go
the way you think.

Nothing will match
your charts and projections.

If you want to do business here,
you have to surrender.

The guiding worldview
of contemporary Cuba:

"No es fácil."

"It's not easy."

Nothing here right now is easy.

That doesn't mean that it's
not worthwhile or good,

just... that it's not easy.

And that's after you
turn yourself inside out.

Everything that you believe in
and you stake your business on,

here it's a bad word.

"Capitalism," "free markets,"
"trickle-down economics."

Cuba exposes all of that for
the pile of bullshit that it is.


So sometimes
it'll be a disaster,

and sometimes it won't.

[chuckles] Sometimes you'll
be so happy that you cry.

But none of it... none of it...
will be what you expect.

Señor, uh, everything
in business is quantifiable.

Assuming that there is
a series of constants.

But in Cuba,
the only constant...

Is that nothing is constant.

La rubia wins the prize.

Bueno. Enjoy the rest
of your evening.

Tomorrow, the leasing company.

Buena noche.

Uh, buena noche.

♪ ♪

[Clyde] So we walk out
of this morning's meeting

with a commitment
for the long-term leases.

[Marty] And we walk that
into the big meeting

with Commerce tomorrow.

[Jeannie] We're prepared.
Why do I feel dread?

[Marty] Guys, we're late.
All right, showtime.

- [Samuel] Ready?
- [Marty] Listos.

- [door closes]
- [Jeannie] Fuck.

Didn't even finish the pitch.

Well, that was horrible.

[Clyde] Our meeting
with the Commerce people

has to go better than that.

[Marty] [scoffs]
Fucking shit show.

- [Samuel] Marty...
- [Marty] I know. I know.

"No es fácil."

How did you think
it would go, eh?

Did you think Cuba just spreads
her legs and lets you take her?

Guess she's not
like Jeannie.

Fuck you,

[♪ Cuban folk music playing ♪]

♪ Ugh ♪

♪ Lengua mía está
llamando arriba'Nganga ♪

♪ Arriba e'Sarabanda,
arriba e'Siete Rayos ♪

♪ Cuando lengua mía
está llamando ♪

♪ Tó los mundeles de la tierra
vienen a trabajar ♪

♪ Cuida'o que te quemas ♪

♪ Te quemas ♪

♪ Agua pa fuera ♪

♪ Pa'la calle ♪

♪ Aye no mas, aye ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Yo vo'a casa e'Chabaleta ♪

♪ Que hay un toque de bembé ♪

♪ Allí está Má Teresa Hagasín ♪

- ♪ Ya usté'va a vé ♪
- [laughter]

♪ Cuando allá empieza
la fie'ta ♪

♪ Se toca bembé na'má ♪

- ♪ Y ya pa'la medianoche ♪
- [laughing]

♪ Pa' mayombe se virá ♪

♪ To'los negros
allí se juntan ♪

♪ Reviven su religión ♪

♪ Cantándole a los orishas ♪

♪ De su lejana nación ♪

♪ Y ya para terminar ♪

♪ Que la noche está 'cabando ♪

♪ Lo'negro' empieza'a cantar ♪

♪ "Cañaveral 'tá quemando" ♪

♪ Cañaveral
'tá quemando ♪

♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando ♪

♪ Cañaveral
'tá quemando ♪

♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando ♪

♪ Cañaveral
'tá quemando ♪

♪ Con licencia e'to'mi ganga ♪

♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando... ♪

♪ Vacuna son de cunañanga ♪

♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando... ♪

♪ Que vo'a llamar a Carabela ♪

♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando... ♪

♪ Camposanto tiene luto ♪

♪ Cañaveral 'tá quemando... ♪

♪ Ahora mi'mo tú va ve'... ♪

[both speaking Spanish]


Mucho gusto.

Hi. Hola, hola.


Wow, look at this, huh?

gracias, Pedro.

Gracias, señor.

Do you have any
idea where we are?

Yeah, lost.

[band playing Cuban folk music]

Hey, you know what, I think it's
around the corner back here.

- Let's... let's go this way.
- Hola.

No, thank you.


Hello, Jeannie?
Let's go.


What do you mean "no"? We're...

We're in the middle
of somebody's wedding.

You understand that? Okay?

A bunch of people
you don't even know.

Maybe I want to be here, Marty.

Maybe I want to be in
the middle of this wedding,

because these people seem
very happy, and I'm not.

Great, so you want
to stay here at a wedding

that we weren't invited to and
hang out with a bunch of people

- that we don't know?
- Yes, asshole!


I do.

And I'm going
to stay here,

and I'm gonna dance with
these beautiful people,

and if you don't
like it, tough shit.

Go back to the hotel
and review your spreadsheets.

Jesus, Jeannie, why don't
you stop being so dramatic

right now.

Fuck you, Marty!

Fuck you!


[speaking Spanish]

Yes, thank you.

Oh, you...

you're very naughty.

Ah, you're very drunk.

Perfect relationship.


So, Martydaddy, are you
gonna fuck my thing up?

'Cause I worked really
hard on this acquisition,

and I feel like I won
fair and square.

Oh, God, honestly,
Monica, I am over it.

Really, I'm over it.

I mean, Cuba was never gonna go
for the Kohl brothers, right?

- Fuck it, really.
- Yeah.

I like it here.

I like the people.

I-I like
the-the music.

[chuckles] The food,
the culture, everything.

I-I... I like the pace,
the slow, sustainable growth.

Oh, really?

'Cause I like rapid growth.

And that is a great example
of rapid growth.

[translating in Spanish]

But nobody goes
from zero to hero

like the Chinese, though.

- Am I right?
- [Skip] Nobody.

Ch-China no pro-problemo

[Monica] I mean, sure,
they've got billions of people,

but it's not about that.

It is about a willingness,

a willingness to fully
exploit your labor force,

your natural resources.

It is a willingness to actively,
aggressively deregulate

and reach a climate
of maximum growth potential.

Are you saying it exactly
like I'm saying it?

I try.

Of course.

My clients, the Kohl brothers,
can make this happen for you

by rolling out the most
extensive private capital

foreign investment plan
in contemporary history.

- [speaks Spanish]
- That's enough.


[speaks Spanish]


- [man speaks Spanish]
- [translator] This is...

an affront to everything
we stand... for...

I'm sorry, I can't,
I can't hear you.

...and on top of that,
it's a bad business.

- We're finished.
- [Monica] "About business"?

No, no, I don't think you
understand what I'm saying.

- It's, uh, bueno business.
- What I... in... conversely,

what I'm trying
to say is that...

Told you they'd
never go for it.


[Monica] ...China is
the opposite model

of what we want
to pursue here in Cuba.

- Calling me a liar?
- I think that

- it's getting lost in transla...
- Liar.

I don't know if you're,
I don't know if you're saying it

- exactly like I'm saying it.
- Maybe I am, fuckhead.

I can hear you. I can hear you,
and I don't know if it's...

Nobody calls me a liar without
spilling some blood, liar.

Well, maybe we need...

you and me need to spill
some fucking blood...

Fucking motherfucker.

- [everyone chattering]
- Liar.

Uh, siéntate, por favor.

No, it's just...

[indistinct shouting]

Don't translate
what they're saying.

Just stick with what I'm saying.

What I'm saying is, China...

Come back. Okay...

- Yeah, yeah, you want to go?!
- Fucking liar, I'll fuck you up!

- You want to fucking go?
- Progress is the enemy

in-in that way.

[indistinct shouting]

[speaks Spanish]

China is not the focus.


[under her breath]
Fucking Marty.

♪ ♪


[both grunting]

No, no, no,
no, no, no!

Fucking Marty!

You fuck!



[indistinct chatter]

[guitar playing gentle music]

That's great, thanks.

- This is good.
- I like it here.

Yeah, it's nice.

No, I mean...

here, you know, Cuba.



It's nice, too.

But it doesn't want
the Kohls, does it?

18 brand-new
luxury hotels... courses, Starbucks,

fucking TGI Fridays.

Would you want that for it?

Ah, fuck.


Yeah, fuck.

No es fucking fácil.


[Marty] Cuba was never gonna go
for the Kohl brothers, right?

Fuck it, really.

And you know what?
I like it here.

I like the people and the,
the food, the music,

culture... all of it.

I like the pace.

The slow,
sustainable growth?

Oh, really?

'Cause I like rapid growth.




No, no, no, no, look.


You don't want...

you-you got what you want.


- Huh.
- It's another one of your tells.

What is that?

Not fucking me.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

So you told her the truth?

Told her the truth.

And now we just...

- That is correct.
- Mmm...

[clears throat]
Wait, I'm confused.

I told her the truth.

And now we are
going to tell her

- "the truth."
- On Opposite Day.

Oh, Opposite Day!

- I love Opposite Day.
- Ding, ding, ding.

- I mean I hate Opposite Day.
- Ding, ding, ding!

Feed her an e-mail
that she will promptly hack.

See, you're welcome.

If it weren't
for my intellectual curiosity,

we would never be able
to manipulate Monica like this.

Oh, my God.

- "Intellectual curiosity"?
- Yes.

Are you fucking kidding me?
You opened up dirty spam!

You tried to jerk off
in the office!

- To jerk off in the office.
- So sorry, Doug.

Thank you for being
a horny idiot.

You're a hero.

We send the counter-hack
detailing how Cuba

is in the mood
for a China-style, balls-out

- expansion, everything.
- Yes.

Just exploit the labor force.
Fuck the environment.

Yep, all of that.

And then we watch her.

And then
we watch her...

[explosion sound effect]

But wait, hold up.

If that's a bad strategy,

then what's our play,
because outside

of some sexy details,
it's sounding an awful lot like

- what we were going in with.
- Yeah.



about that.

[inhales deeply]

I think I'm gonna
like this very much.

I fucking knew it.
I fucking knew it!

So, just so I'm...
We're adjusting our strategy.

No, dum-dum, we're not
selling to the Kohls.

Wait, what?!

On-on Opposite Day,
though, right?

Doug, forget Opposite Day.

Remember Opposite Day...
that's what you mean!

- Doug, Doug, it's over.
- Remember Opposite Day!

- No!
- It's over.

Listen, Cuba was never
gonna go for any version

of what the Kohl brothers want.

And do you really want
to subject this country

to that particular form of...

aggressive imperialism?

"Imperialism," really?

Or is it just passion?

I get it Dougie,
you want the money.

- I will buy him out if he shuts the fuck up!
- Deal.

- On Opposite Day.
- On Opposite Day.

[band playing Cuban music]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪



Jeannie, Jeannie.


I think you should marry me.

- That's not funny, Marty.
- [exclaiming in Spanish]

[crowd cheering]

God, you're such an emotionless
robot, that's not...

I think
we should get married.

[speaks Spanish]

- I thought you were...
- [translating in Spanish]


I'm serious.


You're asking me
to marry you right now?

- I am.
- And you're not fucking with me?


I'm not.


O-Okay, you get that I'm not
fucking with you or...?

Okay, yes, okay.

I would like to marry you.

[crowd cheering]

But I think
we should acknowledge that,

that we, we are...

we're working people.

- We will, we...
- We work, we, we work.

- We, uh...
- [translating in Spanish]

We work.

We're not gonna
sell the business

that we worked our asses off
to build all these years.

Not yet.

We're not gonna just
stay home and raise a kid.

That's nothing
to be ashamed of.

I mean, it won't be easy,
but we can, we can do both.

That's right.

So I guess we tell
the Kohl brothers...

To fuck off.

I mean, in better words
than that,

but yeah.



[crowd cheering]

I love you, Jeannie.

[band playing Cuban music]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]

♪ ♪

Oh, shit!

Watch your briefcases, guys!

Marty, please, please!
Just two minutes.

- Oh...
- Two minutes!

Okay, but I smell
some despair.

Yeah, I smell it now.
[smacking lips]

- Pungent.
- Ha, ha, I get it, listen.

Now, I don't blame you
for rubbing my nose in it.

I really don't...
Marty, I have a real offer!

- Aw.
- No.

- But, look, the Kohl brothers...
- Skipper, Jesus Christ.

- Sorry, excuse me.
- Just go, will you?

The Kohl-Kohl brothers
know you're the guy.

they've always known it.

What about this?
I bring you back

in the door
and then we-we, we both win!

- We all win, we all...
- Yeah, I mean, we all would win.

The problem is,
you don't lose, you know?

And you see,
my old fuck buddy,

your losing is
tantamount to a win.

You see, Skip?

- It's win-win-lose.
- Yeah.

It's a win for you.

- On Opposite Day.
- On Opposite Day.

Vámonos, señor.

- All right, Skip.
- Adiós, Skip.

Fantastic to see you, buddy.


[seagulls cawing]



Oh, Marty.


Good morning, Mrs. Kaan.


Marty, did you marry me
last night?

Yep, yep, I think I might've.

Did you steal
this car last night?


no, that was you.

You stole the car.



[both chuckling]

[♪ Cuban hip-hop playing ♪]

♪ ♪

[indistinct chatter]


♪ ♪

[crowd cheering]

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪