House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 4, Episode 10 - Praise Money! Hallowed Be Thy Name - full transcript

A pitch to a CEO of a fast food chain causes conflict between Marty and Denna.

Previously on House of Lies...

Take Kaan and Associates and,
like, ten other management firms

and put them in a blender
and strain the fat.

It's nice when dreams work out, huh?

You wanted me to own
you, and now I do.

Handbags, purses.

And you're making
this kind of bank?

Not bad.

But you're gonna give it a rest, right?
I will.

Clyde has feelings for her.
Okay, so stop fucking her.

I have mad respect for a guy

who'd give up top-shelf
genius vag for friendship.

Just 'cause you want back in

doesn't mean I'm gonna
stop sleeping with Clyde.

Isn't this what we discussed--
making K and A huge?

Which victory means more to you?

Saying "fuck you"
to my turnaround artist,

or making serious
"fuck you" money?

(elevator bell dings,
bell rings)

Come on.

Okay, watch your step.

Yeah, right there.

Okay, look, don't peek.

If you... if you're peeking,

you're gonna ruin it.

Just keep coming, keep coming.

I'll tell you when you can look.

Hold on, hold on.




Three boutique consulting
firms acquired.

Six more slated for acquisition
within the fiscal quarter.

Double-digit market share
growth within the month.


Welcome to the golden age
of Kaan and Associates.

A true Renaissance
where I am da Vinci,

uh, Copernicus...

Uh, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Come... Did... did you
just look me in the eye?


Get your fucking shit
and get out.

Kick rocks, motherfucker,
you're fired.

You're not...

You're joking, right?

Yeah, I'm joking.

What, am I gonna fire you just
'cause you looked me in the eye?

Get the fuck out of here.


Phew, no.

I'm firing you because
you're habitually late,

your client optics
are sub-optimal,

and HR says you're something
of a sexual predator,

so, yeah, freak,
get the fuck out.


Run, don't walk, motherfucker.

(clears throat)

Okay, where was I?

Oh, yeah,
and Machia-fuckin'-velli

all rolled up into one.

Oh, shit, you see me limping?

Yeah, that's 'cause
my balls are so big.

Whoever said
it was lonely at the top--

thank you, sweetheart--

never sat here.


♪ Let's not stall, y'all ♪

♪ How 'bout a booty call ♪

♪ You got a man, ah ♪

♪ I won't tell at all ♪

♪ Night long ♪

♪ Quick Draw McGraw ♪

♪ Finest thing I've seen ♪

♪ No flaws ♪

♪ Let's not stall, y'all ♪

♪ How 'bout a booty call ♪

♪ You got a man, ah ♪

♪ I won't tell at all ♪

♪ Night long ♪

♪ Quick Draw McGraw ♪

♪ Finest thing I've seen ♪

♪ No flaws ♪

♪ Lina, Tina, Gina, Nina ♪

♪ A few were Latina ♪

♪ Some Filipina ♪

♪ All a little keener ♪

♪ Check the demeanor ♪

And that's a real Hermès?
What do you think?

Look at the stitching.


Good morning.

Um, morning,
Mr. Andrews.

How's your day so far?

It's okay.

That's good.

Mine? Not great.

Let me tell you why.

I just spent the better portion
of the morning talking

with Debbie Nichols' mom.

Well, I say "talking."

It was more her lecturing me

on the devastating effect
that counterfeit handbags have

on the fashion industry.

I have just so much newfound
wisdom to impart to you.

Shall we?

Okay, so if we're all good
with the basic layout,

I can have the design coding
done in a couple of weeks.

Sounds great.

All right.

Uh, where you going?

I should make an appearance
at my day job.

If I don't show up
for a few weeks,

the party app guys
start to notice.

What's this?

Happy birthday, Kels.

Uh, I...

I was just about
to say the same thing.

Happy birthday, um,
from me as well.

Uh, my gift was supposed
to arrive yesterday.

Fucking USPS.
Two tickets to The Dirty Projectors?

What are The Dirty Projectors?

Are you f...? You
went on this huge rant

about how they're genius.

And how math rock is coming...

You're fucking
with m... (groans)


This is awesome, thank you.

It's okay, kind of generic.

we got it covered, okay?

Yeah, see you this afternoon.

Uh, let me guess--
another doctors appointment?

that's convenient.

I know, right?
It's almost like

she's having
a baby or some shit.

MARTY: Literally didn't hear
a word you guys just said.

Recon lunch, let's go.

Oh, right.


See you tonight?
Yes, yeah, yeah.

(clears throat)


(clears throat)


Oh, my God.

KELSEY (giggling):
Oh, oh, okay.

Bye, Doug.
Yeah, that's...

Hey, unbelievable gift
coming your way.

You just passing
them out, or...?


Hey, hey, wait.

So both of you guys
are still...?

You know,

knocking that out?

How's that working?

It is beyond great.
It's fucking terrible.

That's two different answers.
Are you crazy?

I love it. Not only do
I get to have mind-blowing

commitment-free sex,

the fact that Clyde is sharing
a similar experience

is only bringing us that
much closer together.

And you say?
It absolutely has not.

And can you stop wearing

that fucking cologne
to her place?

That shit lingers for days.

Afraid I can't do that, Clyde.

Why, Doug? Why can't you do that?
(elevator bell dings)

Well, because it's
my fucking cologne.

Oh, I'm gonna throw up.

Because Doug has a fucking cologne?

- Oh, my God. - You mean a cologne
he wears while he's fucking?

Don't you fucking...
Wh-What's it called?

It's called Uninvited Guest.

This could be our Holy Grail.
After 35 years,

150 locations,

a cult-like following,

the Southern California

known as Shags Burger Shack

is finally ready
to expand nationally.

And now that CEO and founder

Samuel Sullivan
is six feet under,

son Luke Sullivan is
the newly-appointed

Shag Godhead.

And he is looking for a Moses

to take his people
out of the SoCal desert.

Marty, can we be that Moses?

I think we are that
motherfucking Moses.

You can't curse here, though.

Uh, sorry, decent people.

Quick question, if you don't mind.
Yeah, mm-hmm?

The fact that
Luke Sullivan is an outspoken,

denier of gay rights,

a woman's right to choose?

It's unfortunate,
but it doesn't mean

his money is any less green.

Welcome to Shags Burger Shack.

What can I get you?

how are the tacos?

They're two for 99 cents.
Not what I asked.

And yet you still
answered my question.

It's a simple menu,
just order something.

Greasy food wreaks
havoc on my system.

You know that.
Marty Kaan.

Hey, hey.
Back at the Shack.

Never thought I'd see this.

Do you still have time
for us to talk?

Absolutely. Mm?
Yeah, great, great.

- Uh, you know what? I'm just
gonna take my chances... - Doug.

...yeah, with a-a salad.

I'm afraid
we don't offer a salad.

What does that mean?
You don't have lettuce?

We have burger lettuce.

What on Earth

is burger lettuce?

It's the lettuce
we put on burgers.

The lettuce that they put on
burgers. They don't

have s... J...
I'm s-I'm sorry,

forgive me for my friend.

He'll have a number one combo...

...or a bullet to the temple.
It's his choice.

I'll get the number one, please.

And a Diet Coke.

You get your own drink.

Of course you do.

Come on, Charles.
Yeah, I need it.

This is taking too long,
Charles, come on.

It's here somewhere.
Okay, yeah?

Look, we really
appreciate your insight

on this pitch, but we are
under a time crunch...

Found it.

There you go.

Teenage Marty.
Oh, wow.

It is more beautiful
than I dreamed, Charles.

Look at the embarrassment
in your eyes.

The shame.
Flipping burgers.

So depressing.


May-Maybe it was pride.

Let me see it again.

Oh, yes, that's what it is--
it's probably pride.

This is really good, sir.
Hey. Okay,

Charles, can we...

Serious as ever.
Okay, inside intel.

You know Luke Sullivan
is looking to maintain

the same level
of product quality

and customer service
Shags is known for?

Yeah, but franchising
at the level

that he's suggesting
makes that impossible.

I know that's true,
you know that's true.

Hell, deep down, I bet even he

knows it's true.
But Luke Sullivan

doesn't want
to be told the truth.

He wants to be told
what he wants to hear.

I mean, that's... good.

I guess it's helpful, but

is there anything else?
I mean, something

that really gives us an edge?

That is your edge.

You stick to that,

you'll be a top contender.

So his big piece of advice

was to tell the client exactly
what they want to hear,

which is basically
what we do with every client.

Well, I'm so glad I made
myself a prime candidate

for heart disease for that.
Oh, you're smiling.

You know I love it when you're
smiling after a meeting, Marty.

Well, listen, every
other consulting firm's

gonna give him what he wants.

So let's reframe it.
Give him

what he doesn't know he wants.
And that is?

Well, if I knew what
that was, then you two

could take the afternoon
off instead of

going back and drilling
down deep on Shags,

which is what you're gonna do.

Get Jeannie in on it as well.

Okay, and while
we're busting our ass

you'll be, what?


Oh, my God, I'm so sorry. That
burger-- that's what it was.

I-It's got my blood sugar
all over the map, and so I don't

- know what that was. Ooh, let me
get that, Marty. There you go. - Okay.

Buckle up.

You got enough money for gas?

It's an electric car, you idiot.

Great, okay, uh, drive safe.

Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I... Yes. Of course,

we will see you in the morning.
All right, bye.

Sorry about that.

Sounded fun.
Uh, seems that my son's

been caught turning
his passion for purses

into a rather lucrative
black market business.

That is shameful.

Let me know if he ever
wants a summer internship.

Have you decided?
Uh, yeah, Salad Nicoise.

Yeah, I'm good

with coffee, thanks.

Had a double Shag burger.

'Cause why eat in a

Michelin-rated restaurant
when you can stop off for a

Shag burger?

Oh, you must be in the running
for their franchising consult.

Yeah, we pitch tomorrow.

Be a huge win for you guys.

Significant media attention.
You'd be part of the story.

Got to win it first.


I need you to not.

I've got
a multi-billion dollar deal

brewing with a certain
fast food competitor.

I can't say who it is,

but here's a hint:

their arches are golden.


And if they were to read
about the Shags expansion

being spearheaded by a company

under the Global umbrella...

I don't need to finish
that thought, right?

You want us out of the running?

Well, I can't afford
your consulting for Shags

to become newsworthy.

But if you were to go in there

and convince Luke Sullivan

that now's not the time
for national expansion,

make a strong case
to stay the course,

shore up the SoCal market...

Can't imagine
that'd be newsworthy.

You could even
take credit for, um,

you know, having some back room
influence on suppressing their

national expansion.
I hadn't thought of it that way,

but... I like it.

It's a layup.

Uh, there is one problem.

A stay the course strategy,

that is a guaranteed loser.

No such thing.

Not when Marty Kaan's
doing the pitching.

So we good?

Oh, yeah, we're good.
We're all good.

Hey, you know
I'd have been happy

to split the cost
of those tickets with you.


Any idea what I should get her?
No. Nope.

Come on. Why don't you help
an Eskimo brother out, huh?

You know what?
I'm just gonna get her flowers.


Well, Kelsey doesn't
want flowers, Doug.

Okay, I know a lot of girls say
they don't want flowers, Clyde,

but trust me,
every girl wants flowers.

Unless they're allergic.
Which Kelsey is. So...

I feel like she may
not want flowers.

Aw, shit.




I'm so afraid.

When one door closes...


I got it, even better.

I'm gonna get her
a sexy teddy bear.

CLYDE: What the fuck is

a sexy teddy bear? Yes.
Don't... look at him.

You're encourage...

Why am I even
helping you with this?

Why is "sexy bear" taking
me to all these gay sites?

How long are you gonna
be okay with, uh,

that sticking

that in your girlfriend

on a regular basis?
She likes us both.


we've been digging
into Shags and...

Got a change of plans.

Okay? We're going with
a stay the course strategy,

so I need you to start
building decks to support it.

Stay the course? Why would we...
MARTY: Just do it.

So how was that lunch
with Denna?

It's the play we gotta make.

I don't have a choice.

Okay, okay.

Will you just not "okay"
me to fucking death

and tell me what it is
you came in here to say?

I just...

wanted to say I'm sorry.

You're sor... Jeannie.

Why are you sorry?

I don't know what happened...


...or why, exactly,

but I do know we have people

to answer to now.

And I know

taking a dive like that

is gonna make you

fucking miserable, and...

that's why I'm sorry.

Ah, gang's all here...
and we're drinking.

Take it easy
on your brother, Marty.

He's had a rough day.

Network passed on his pilot.

- Mm-hmm. Then the girl he just
started seeing dumped him. - What?!

Funny how now that
I'm not a TV star,

I'm suddenly "full of shit."

You were never a TV star, and
you've always been full of shit.

Well, I think

it's her loss.


Oh, okay. So?

Drink it.

So you want to
explain what happened?

After I specifically told you
to stop selling purses.

Dad, they're not purses.

I wouldn't be correcting

your father's choice
of words right now,


Thank you.

A couple months ago,
I sold a handbag

to Deep Throat Debbie.

Deep Th...
He said what?

Yeah, that's what
everybody calls her.

She gave it to her mom
who's a fashion designer.

Dad, she's probably just
pissed because it took her

this long to figure out.
Okay, well, here's what's gonna happen.

We're gonna go down
to that school tomorrow,

and you're gonna apologize
to the girl, and

give the money back, and then
pray they don't suspend you.

For real? That's the advice
you're gonna go with?

Come on, Marty.

Oh, Roscoe, you got
to fight this thing.

Hey, Malcolm...
Oh, you bet your ass if.

Thurston Howell III's
son got caught

selling handbags, they'd be
throwing all kinds of parades

and shit celebrating his
entrepreneurial skills.

You got to fight this.
Listen. Roscoe broke the rules.

Yeah, and he got caught.

And now he's gonna
pay the price.

Guess nobody can accuse you
of being a hypocrite this time,

huh, Dad?

Mm, that's 'cause
you went to jail.

(door closes)

He went to prison.

There's a smell.

There's a terrible...
Wha... Oh.

And I fucking...
Fuck. I know.

I know, I washed 'em yesterday.

Can you say something to Doug?

Yeah. Okay.

I need to get away from it,
though, because... Yeah.

Here, yeah, let's switch.

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, no.

Wha... What?

I can't. I ref... No.

What? The bear?

It's a fucking teddy bear
wearing lingerie!

How does that make
any fucking sense?!

Kelsey, that's not even
the fucking problem.

Okay, if you're unhappy
with our arrangement...

Yes, I'm unhappy
with our arrangement.

I will tell you
I've been unhappy

with our arrangement
the entire fucking time.

I thought you said you'd been
in open relationships before.

I have, but not with Doug.

I mean, I share an office
with the guy. That's enough.

Well, it seems like
you really decided

to put your foot down
about this.

All right, you know what?

Um, I should go.
I'm gonna go.


And it's not

just that I don't want
to share you

with someone
that I see every day.

I don't want
to share you with anyone.


Okay. All right.


Oh, my God,
you are so insecure. No.

Okay, I won't fuck Doug anymore.

Or anybody else.

Oh. Hmm. You know what?

(laughs) That actually feels
like a lot of pressure.

(laughing): Oh. Fuck off.
It's a lot at once.

It feels like
you want to move in,

it feels like you want
to get fucking married

right off the bat.

Oh, yeah.

Hey, you want to know
what the worst part is?

Guess which political pundit
they gave a show to instead?


Alfonso Ribeiro.

Alf... Carlton?

from the Fresh fucking Prince.


That's what they want.

I mean, how is anyone supposed
to take this guy serious?

You know, Carlton.


(laughing): No.

...the idea
of affirmative action

is reverse discrimination
is racism personified.

Break it down.
You're stupid.

Oh, my God.
Break it down. Break it down.

Break it down.
Hey, for real.

I'm-I'm really sorry you had
such a shitty day, Malcolm.

You don't...

Okay. Really? (sighs)

Look, I know you're drunk,

I know you just got dumped,

but I'm gonna go to bed
with your father now,

and try to forget this
little thing just happened.


Excuse me.

Too young for me anyway.

Fucking Carlton.

Here's your money back.

I'm sorry.

A hundred dollars?

That's all for what you claimed
to be an original Valentino?

That's all I charged Debbie.

We had an arrangement.

Dad, it was her idea.

Okay, you two, get to class.

Hmm. Well,
I can't even

begin to imagine what
drove him to this.

You know, he must
have really had a

tough go of it.

No, not really.

Kids just do stupid
shit sometimes.

Well, in my day, it
was a stolen six-pack.

You know, maybe a little weed.

You feel me?
Oh, I feel you.

Definitely wasn't designer drugs
paid for by selling illegal

knockoff handbags.
(Marty laughs)

Wait a minute.
Who said anything about drugs?

Oh, I'm hearing rumors

about very well-funded parties.

Wow. Well, I've heard a couple
rumors about rainbow parties,

but other than that...

I should be going.

Whatever is decided here,

I'm sure Roscoe will
land on his feet.

Thanks for the concern.

Yikes, huh?

Could she be a little more
fucking cryptic?

For better or worse--

usually for worse--

she has a lot of influence
in our school community,

and she wants Roscoe expelled.

Ex...? He sold a couple
of fucking fake purses.

Are you kidding me?

Roscoe really hit a nerve here.

Marty, I'm telling
you this as a friend.

Oh. A friend?

Okay. Fantastic.

Now, why don't you just
fucking say it?

Maybe it would be
best for Roscoe

if he were to finish
his education elsewhere.

Yeah. Certainly be a lot less

for the school, right?

He wants to be here, okay?

He likes it here.
I want him here.

So, you know what? Maybe
we're gonna fight this thing.

Maybe we're gonna get loud.

We'll tell our side of the story
to the diversity committee.

How about that?

I'm mean, that shouldn't
be too hard

for them to squeeze us in,
right? You got what,

like a dozen black families

I got to tell you, John.

For a school that charges
a shitload of money

based on the promise of a

progressive education,

that number seems
pretty low to me.

Okay. I get it.

You do? 'Cause
I haven't even started in

on the whole "persecution of the
gender fluid teen" aspect.

But that's coming.

You want to get loud?
That's your right.

You can turn this whole
thing into a circus,

you can make Roscoe's

as public as possible.

Or Roscoe can have

a fresh start somewhere else.

Play it either way,
but one way or another,

Roscoe's gone.

Wait, so she told you
we were over before telling me.

I'm sorry you had
to find out that way,

all right, buddy.

And, boof,
judging by your stench,

you were planning
on seeing her tonight.

So, this has got to be tough.

Shag time. Let's go.

All right, it's Shag time,
Doug. I'm sorry, man.

Well... you know what,
I'm just going to call her.

Just to be sure.
Yeah, you should call her.

That's actually a good idea.

Oh, my God, you're serious.

I don't un-understand.
Things were going so well.

You're making a scene. Calm down.
I'm not.

You are making a scene.
Hold on,

can't we just talk about it, please?
Doug, it's over.

in the conference room.


Hey, Jeannie, do me a favor.

Tell me something to make me
feel good about this.

Even if we did try,

we might not have won
their business.

Come on, something real. Shit.

If I had to work for this
backwards-thinking asshole,

I would never stop
bitching about it.

See? There you go.


Mr. Sullivan,

I think you can see here that
by pursuing a modest build up

in states where Shags
already has an established

brand presence, we can
confidently project

an overall regional sales
growth of about...

4.8 percent.
Oh, come on!

I-I'm sorry,

but I've got to say,
this is... disappointing.

A status quo strategy?

I was expecting more
from the great Marty Kaan.

So unless there's
anything else...


Um... can you pull up
the median real estate

price differentials
for red states versus blue.

One moment, Mr. Sullivan.
CLYDE: I'm on it.

I can make... You sure?
All right. It's okay, it's fine.

No, it's fine.

Uh... Mr. Sullivan,

we like to be thorough.

We like to present our clients
with all of their options, but...

yes, I'm afraid
we've been wasting your time.

Because contrary to everything
you've been hearing today,

Shags Burger Shack is ready to
compete on the national level.

You know this,

we all know this,
but with expansion

comes more scrutiny.

More people to answer to.

And do you know what those
people will be telling you?


your controversial mouth shut.

Do you want to keep
your mouth shut?

No, I do not.

I didn't think so.

And you don't have to.

Because there is a way
for you to be who you are,

without sacrificing
your bottom line.

Take a look at Jeannie.



About to experience

the miracle of childbirth.

And when Jeannie

gets those midnight cravings,

where does Jeannie send
her husband?

Shags Burger Shack.

Uh... Shags Burger Shack.

Because not only does
she want a product

that's quality,

with the freshest ingredients,

she likes what you stand for.

So does my father,

the Pastor Jeremiah Kaan.

And so do I.

Because it is these same values

that this born-again father

fights to instill
in his son every day.

Well, I'm happy to hear
you've been saved,

but what does this have to do

with our expansion?

Well, we feel that by
focusing your build out

in areas where the majority
of the population,

you know,
supports our shared views...

Which is a vast majority
of the country.

MARTY: will more than
offset any diminished earnings

from the blue markets.

Listen, you keep speaking
to truth,

and people will flock
to eat at Shags Burger Shack

because in so doing,
they're making a statement.

A statement that says,

I stand for values.

I stand for family.

For God.


Hallelujah, I stand for God.

And an added bonus...

the median real estate prices
in red states versus blue states

are lower by an average...

8.7 percent.

There you go-- lower overhead,
bigger profits.

And do you think we could
still compete with the majors?


They're going to be Mic-shitting
in their pants.

(shocked murmuring)
(laughs): Okay, no, no.

(laughs): Sorry, no, I got excited.

I'm sorry. Forgive me.
No, no, no, no, no.

It's fine.

you say whatever you want,
whenever you want.

And after you've devoured
the heartland,

after you've become
so unstoppably huge

that you are undeniable,

you march into those
liberal markets

like a conquering hero.

Do you like what you're hearing
so far?

Very much.

You told me this was
a real Miu Miu.

I wore this fake piece of shit
to a charity event.

Did you really give
Deep Throat Debbie a discount?

Enjoy your expulsion, asshole.

Hey. Molly.

What's up guys?

Is everyone still going
to Avery's later?

Um, I don't think so.

We're all pretty tired.

Closed it in
the motherfucking room!

Uh-huh. Boom...
round the room.


Some masterful shit
in there, Marty.

I like to think of myself
as merely a vessel

for a higher power.

It's like my father
used to say...

The great Pastor Jeremiah Kaan.
The very good pastor,

he would say, "Son,"
he liked to call me son.

He'd say, "Son,

get yourself
motherfucking paid,"

and they we'd go, rah, rah,
Rah, rah.

rah, rah!
Praise money!

Hallowed be thy name.

Whoo, hallelujah!

As much as I hate to break up
this revival meeting,

but I did promise the hubby

we'd go imaginary
house hunting, so...

Oh, well,

I hear the real estate prices in
Randland are at an all-time low.


The, uh, the mythical land

in the Wheel of Time series,
written by...

Oh, why do I bother?

Gee, how bad do you think this
fallout with Denna is gonna be?

Oh, don't worry about that.

We'll-we'll figure it out.

Marty, Luke Sullivan
for you on one.

Ah... probably calling to say
thank you very much.

(Jeannie chuckles)

Yes, sir.

Mr. Sullivan.

No, I-I'm sorry, could you...

I don't understand.

No, we do share a comm...


Uh... (sighs)

apparently they've had
a change of heart.

They've decided to go
with a firm

whose true core values
are more in line with theirs.

True core values?

How did they switch so...


How'd it go with Shags?


Till you killed the deal.

Now why does everyone just
assume I'm this all-powerful,

omnipotent deity who can
eviscerate major deals

the moment they happen?

Okay, you got me.

I did enjoy

hearing about Jeannie's husband
and your pastor father.

But Luke was shocked to learn
that a religious man

such as yourself would not only
have a baby out of wedlock,

but a gender bending son.

You involved my son in this?

So, that's it?

I don't even get the courtesy
of a bullshit excuse?

I mean, you know,

"I didn't realize what
you were asking me to do.

I was confused."
Oh, you weren't subtle.

You know what's really
disappointing here?

I thought we were having fun.

You got to play
king of the mountain,

it didn't cost me anything,
so I was happy to let you do it.

But somewhere along the way,
you convinced yourself

that you had real power.

And now you're a problem
I have to solve.

(phone buzzing)

(clears throat)

This is important,
so if there's nothing else?

(phone continues buzzing)


No, now's a perfect time
to talk.

♪ With a heavy heart ♪

♪ And now you're picking
a fight ♪

♪ With the world's
strongest man ♪