House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 3, Episode 8 - Brinkmanship - full transcript

Previously on House of Lies...

Oh, shit!

Lex, you're out of here!

This fucking
dating thing is dead!

If you ever mix a
25-year-old single malt of mine

with Hawaiian Punch again,

I'm putting you up for
adoption immediately.

Wait, you stopped
using birth control?

I did!

Why-why would you do that?

Uh, because I want
us to have a baby?



I've been withholding orgasms

since she decided
to... we decided

to, uh, get pregnant.

She got fired.

I'll make some calls, okay?

I got your back, Mon.

Two coworkers having
a smoke and, uh,

getting to know each other.

I can help save it for you.

Promise? Pinky promise.

In two weeks, the
McClintock Media Empire

will be jizzing money

into this office. Ew.

You really think
you can bring in



the entire McClintock
Media Empire?

I know I can.

It's McClintock.

Hand-delivered by Judas.

Fucking hate sand.

Hey, Marty, I'm
squinting real bad.

Do I have time to go
back, get my sunglasses?

Yes, Doug, go get your sungla...

Get a volleyball, too, buddy.

Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.

Look at us kicking
up dirt again, huh?

Who would've thunk it?

You and me making shit happen

without even
putting our shoes on?

Uh, my fucking shoes
are on, Clyde, okay?

It's a metaphor.
And just take it easy.

I mean, what's this
Zannino's angle anyway?

Zannino doesn't have an angle.

Oh, right, billion-dollar
hedge fund manager, no angle.

He's old friends with Marissa.

Yup, he used to
stick his dick in me

on a semi-regular basis.

Mm, that's romantic.

Of course, she has moved
on to the big leagues now.

You're the big leagues, Clyde?

Oh, Jeannie Beannie, I
am the very big leagues.

If you know what I mean.
Yes, we know what you mean.

Talking about my D. He does.

He does have a big dick.

It's good; it's solid.
You guys seen it?

No. I have not. Jesus!

Yeah, a few times.

What?

Occasionally we share a
room together on the road.

I mean, I'm sure he's seen mine.

No. Why would I look
at your dick, Doug?

Oh, how could you miss it?

"How could you miss it?"

Hey, this is, uh, quite
a pull for you, Oberholt.

Mm. Nice.

Is dating you, like,

one of her 12 steps or
a penance thing or...?

Jeannie Beannie, once
Zannino's on board,

Marissa gets her life back.

At which point, she will shower
money on Kaan and Associates.

So what I think what
you're trying to say is...

She's gonna dump your
ass when she gets rich again.

You're welcome.

That, boys and girls,

is our whale.

How you doing, sweetheart?

So he's a handsome

jet-setting billionaire?

You have a two-bedroom apartment

that is convenient
to a major freeway.

You're good.

You know I used to
partake on occasion,

but to hear my brother
and sister talk about it,

it's like I was giving
out blowies for crack.

So they had her put
under conservatorship

so they can get their hands
on Mediawolf's online revenue.

Well, it's good to
know Suzanne and Joel

are still tremendous
cocksuckers.

I thought my family was fucked.

Seriously, Jules, they
Raising Arizona-ed me.

Snatched my fucking baby.

Yeah, her highly trafficked
digital media baby.

It is second only to Huff Post
in online hits in that sector.

All right, so you want
me to call a judge

and get you out
of conservatorship?

No, no, it's not just
about Mediawolf.

You know what would
make me so goddamn wet?

I have some recollection, yes.

To be sitting atop the entire
McClintock Media Empire...

The newspapers, the
TV stations, everything.

That'd make us all wet. Doug.

And once I'm on top, first
order of business is pushing

Joel and Suzanne's tight
asses out a fucking window.

Hey, watch yourself; you do
not want to get on her bad side.

Dude, she could kick my ass.

It's your bad side

that we're actually counting on.

I mean, by all accounts,
you're a scary motherfucker.

You say "boo," CEOs tremble.

So you want me to
say "boo" to McClintock.

You don't have to buy anything.

Julian Zannino
sitting in the room,

literally just fucking
sitting there?

We'll have them shaking in their
boots about a hostile takeover.

I like your new boyfriend.

He's cute, right? Thank you.

If they don't want

their beloved newspaper
slipping out of family control,

they're gonna give
Marissa whatever she wants.

There is no risk
to your investors.

And we'll handle
all the positioning.

Look, guys, you
can stop selling.

Let's go fuck some
assholes. All right!

Yes! Please! I guess
we're fucking assholes.

Thank you, brother. Shit.

You know, the one and only time

Grandpa took me camping,

we had some strange
bearded hippie guy who, uh,

stripped naked every
time we made a campfire.

It was the '70s, all right?

Besides, we hiked to Big
Basin and made it back safely.

Well, if by "safely" you mean

forever associating
s'mores with strange penis,

then, yeah, we did.

Packed an extra mascara?

Your leggings?

Dad, what are you, like,
five years old right now?

Oh, it talks! It talks. God!

I knew it did something
other than stuff food in there.

Hey, Chantelle.

Hey. Jeremiah told
me what happened.

Aw, that is great to know
that he's keeping everybody

abreast of what's
happening in our family.

Well, she's coming
camping with us.

She's gonna find out.

Must've been a tough call, huh?

Not really, no.

Lex is no good for him, okay?

And in time, he's
gonna understand...

Why the fuck am I
explaining this to you?

I'm just curious
if it was difficult

telling Roscoe that you
don't trust his choices.

Oh, my God, she's
trying to shrink me.

Well, her focus is
child psychology.

Oh!

That's so funny.

Hey, look.

This trip might help
Roscoe clear his head.

You gonna be able to manage
by yourself for a few days?

Hey, Grandpa, let's
get out of here soon

before Dad tries
to break us up, too.

That was... Yeah,
I'll manage by myself.

Yeah, that was
good, that was good.

Uh, da Bears!

Chicago.

Oh, God, I just love Chicago.

Have you been? No.

No? It's windy I hear.

Because it's the Windy City.

Oh, my God, that's
good, that's good.

Hey, listen, um...

While I think of it,
uh, there's an artist,

Terrell Moore, has an exhibit
up at the Hauser Gallery

when we're there...
Oh, my God, he is great.

He is great.

Um, well, a few of us were
thinking of checking him out.

You're more than
welcome to join.

Sure.

That sounds really fun. Okay.

Great. All right.

Aah! Excuse me.

"A few of us were
thinking of checking it out"?

Very slick, Douglas.

Firstly, my suspenders
are not a toy.

And secondly, "slick"?
What does that mean?

God, sometimes
it's so hard to tell

if you're playing dumb
or if you're actually dumb.

I'm talking about the fact

that you just asked
Caitlin out on a date.

I'm a married man. I know.

A married man who just
asked Caitlin out on a date.

No, no, no!

We are two coworkers
who happen to share

a common interest in art
who may take in a gallery.

It's called "culture," Jeannie.

Wow, or it's called "a date."

That's what I call it. No.

Please, don't call it that.

It shouldn't be too hard to
make it look like Zannino's

sniffing around for a
new business to buy.

I mean, it's what he does
for a living anyway, right?

I have public bid
submissions ready to go

just as soon as
you say the word.

Well, hang on a second.

What, you got something?

Yeah, I went digging around

through Mediawolf's
financials. Check it.

Depleted revenues for
Mediawolf's Web traffic

are in the exact same
amount as makegoods

for the Chicago and
Indianapolis newspapers.

Marissa's
oh-so-concerned siblings

are pumping Mediawolf's tits.

Sucky, sucky.

Mm-mm.

Jesus Christ. Why?

That's got to constitute an
abuse of conservatorship access.

Absolutely.

Yeah, the judge would definitely
have a frowny face about that.

Wow, that is interesting.

Why-why is that interesting?

It's another way in.
It's a punier way in.

We don't need it. We
got Zannino, remember?

We think we have
Zannino. We... Thank you.

You know, why don't you
shut the fuck up, Omega Mu?

That's the sorority from
Revenge of the Nerds.

Marty, it's gonna work.

All right? Trust me.

Trust you? Yeah.

The plan is gonna work.

Well, you know what?

Clyde says we
have a foolproof plan.

So let's just... I didn't
mean to say that.

No, no, it's good.
Let's just take the rest

of the day off and go
see a movie or something.

Oh, oh! Maybe we could
do that company outing

at Magic Mountain. Yes!

I have wanted to do
Magic Mountain in forever.

I'm not... It's sarcasm.

- Yup.
- I wasn't saying

that it's the
absolute perfect...

What were you saying?

Fine.

Whatever you want to do. Good.

Well, somebody's sweet on Will.

Yeah.

I'm trying to clean up this
DollaHyde mess right now.

You want to get right to it?

Yeah, what was that in there?

With Clyde?

You don't think that, uh,

we should be considering
every alternative?

Marty. Zannino is
a wild card, okay?

Zannino is a scary
corporate raider

with washboard abs.

Since when does
that shit rattle you?

Zannino fucks Marissa
over, we get fucked.

This guy likes to
chew up companies

and spit out the pieces.

How you know that's
not gonna happen here?

Zannino is the play.

You know that.

And it's the play you're
ultimately gonna make.

You just want to
rub Clyde's nose

in the shit pile first.

Move on, Marty.

Oh, coming from the expert

in moving on.

I-I'm not holding
on to anything...

with you.

If that's what
you're insinuating.

Seriously, Marty, I'm not.

Oh, well, as long as
you said "seriously."

I just don't want to
leave money on the table

because you can't get past it.

Oh, my God, Jeannie,
you're a partner.

Okay? You want to
back Clyde's play?

Go with God.

Great chat.

Yes, it was.

Hi. Sorry. No.

The line at the gyno
was fucking ridiculous.

Yeah? There was a line?

Ugh! It's, like, don't
make more appointments

than you have time for.

If you can only see
five vaginas in an hour,

don't schedule ten vaginas.

Thank you. Right?

I'm sorry. Yeah.

How are you? Great, great.

Good. How about you?

I'm good. Yeah?

Dr. Caplan saw a
surge in my L-H levels,

and I'm at peak fertility
for the next two days.

Yeah, I don't think so.

Oh, okay. So you don't think so?

I don't think so.

Well, that's really
interesting, Dr. Guggenheim.

I booked myself a
ticket to Chicago.

Ooh.

Wait, what?

Please don't worry.

I'm not gonna get in
the way of your work.

Um... I'm gonna be
quiet as a church mouse.

You know, I'm just
there for the nookie.

Okay, great. I-I
love the nookie.

Yes, I know.

Um, but I just...
Here's my thing.

I don't think your L-H
levels are peaking right now.

We made that
calendar with your cycle,

and that's pretty spot-on.

Okay, that's cute, but I
just went to the doctor,

and he says I'm peaking.

Yeah, Dr. Caplan.

I like Dr. Caplan.

Babe, he went to
med school at Tufts.

That's a good school, Doug.

You go to med
school at Tufts so that

when people say, "Where'd
you go to med school?"

you could say, "This
school outside Boston."

And then when they
walk away, they say,

"Ooh, I wonder if he was
talking about Harvard."

But he wasn't, was
he? No, no, no, no, no.

He was talking about Tufts.

Do you not want
me to go to Chicago?

What?! Of course I want
you to come to Chicago.

Come on. No, I just... I
know w-we'll be working a lot.

I know. So how 'bout this?

How about you and me...

slip into the bathroom and
have a quickie right now?

Oh, horrible offer.

I don't want to conceive my
baby in a restaurant bathroom.

Are you crazy?

I just think it'd
make a funny story.

No, it won't. Yeah?

I've got Purell on
me. I'll wipe you down.

Oh, my God. I just...
I think that we could

take care of business
before I leave.

Tonight, tomorrow
morning. Plus, we could get

a refund on that plane ticket.

I know they say no
refunds, but if you know

how to work the system...

Oh, my God, Doug!

You are such a cheap bastard!

No!

That's what this is about? No.

My God, our baby isn't
even worth $1,200 to you?

$1,200?! Are you... Oh.

What? Okay, all right.

Who's flying the plane,
Richard Branson?

I'm coming to
Chicago. End of story.

Good. Chi-town.

L'chaim!

♪ ♪

Hey.

Actually facing each other.

We haven't done that in a while.

Is that a problem?

Not a problem.

Where did Jeremiah
get this kimono?

Mm. I like it.

But I do have to ask,

how short is it on him
when he is wearing it?

Oh, in a word? Yuck.

Oh, but speaking of balls,

you met Lex.

Oh, boy.

Yes.

She is a firecracker...

He's a firecracker.

I think you made
the right call though.

What happened exactly?

Well, you know,
wasn't just one thing.

But I got to say, I
hated watching her

lead Roscoe around by the nose.

Way back when, I used to
lead you around by the nose.

The fuck out of here.

That's true. You know that.

Well, I guess if you
swapped out the high-tops

for some Louboutins

and I got a really
good squint on, yeah.

Hello?

Earth to Monica.

Where'd you go? You all right?

Oh...

I just... I don't know.

I-I would just... I'd really
like it if people would stop

fucking around with my shit.

You are joking, right?

No, I'm serious.

Yeah, right, 'cause
detonating a hate bomb at work

is the exact same thing

as the whole world
conspiring against you.

Fuck you.

Come on, baby,
that's what you do.

You hobble the ladder,
and then you want

to blame somebody
else when you fall.

It worked pretty
good for a little while.

What about you?

What about me?

You got everything you
want, but you are still

alone and unhappy.

I don't remember
saying I was unhappy.

Well, you called me here, so...

Baby, life is good.

Okay.

We're too fucked up.

There's no fixing us, right?

I... yeah, maybe.

Enough of this
introspective shit.

How about you get me out

of this kimono and
we give your neighbors

something to talk about?

How about it?

Oh, I like that one.

Sorry, Jeremiah.

Oh, you better make it worth it.

Oh, that's cute. They're
becoming friends.

I wonder what
they're talking about.

A potential three-way
with Doug maybe.

I mean, how would you do that?

Would you jump on top of
both? Would you throw it in...

Hey, how dare you
besmirch Caitlin!

And Sarah.

And Sarah. And Sarah.

And, obviously, it
goes without saying.

And Sarah. Sure, Sarah.

Hey, sweetie! There
you... I told you to stay put.

I like her.

She great, right?

Doug loves her.

We all do. She's a
sweet kid. Super cute.

She mentioned that
your pod is going

to an art gallery tonight?

Art gallery?

Which seemed weird.

Oh, yeah! Oh, that thing?

Yeah, we'll see who shows up.

You know, we were
thinking maybe popping by

after we do our thing, but...

Oh, Jesus, Doug.

Oh, you can come if you want.

I just figure you'd want
to have your legs up after.

You don't want to have Doug Jr.

Trickling down your
thigh, right? No. Ugh!

Dr. Caplan said that
that is not a thing.

Tufts.

Whatever, okay?

I'm tired, so I'll
probably bail anyway.

Yeah, catch some Z's. Good call.

You know, I did hear it's
gonna be a fantastic exhibit.

Oh, yeah. I'm definitely
thinking about going,

and I fucking hate art. Yeah.

But this guy's like,
"This is the one

if you're gonna go to
any one." This exhibit.

"You have to see this exhibit."

Which guy? Which guy?
The man. The exhibit guy.

Really? You know what? Fuck it.

I'll sleep when I'm dead.

Oh! Oh, no. That's extreme.

Sleep when you're tired.

Let's do it. Sleep tonight.

Marty, Marty, hey,
look, soft pretzel?

Cinnamon sugar?

Uh, no, I'm good.

Hmm? It's soft.

Yeah, I got both
descriptions. Still good.

You had sex last night.

Oh, my God.

Marty, please, when
can I be your wingman?

My wingman?

Yes.

Uh...

How does Nev-uary
the 5th work for you?

Did I just make his list?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, the list.

Hey, Marty, I just
want to say thanks

for sticking with
the Zannino plan.

Don't thank me.

Thank the boss lady
over there. It was her call.

Okay. Yeah, no, I will.

Great.

Cinnamon sugar pretzel? Oh.

I knew you were gonna do that.

Bought two... dick.

Hey, what's up, brother?

You guys have all met
Julian Zannino before.

Love what you've
done with the place.

Mr. Zannino has an eye
toward investing in clean energy.

Wind, solar.

Owning your fleet of newspapers

will go a long way
toward connecting him

with elected
officials in the region.

Agribusiness leaders, too.

Plus, ever since my buddy Jeff

bought the
Washington Post, I said,

I got to get me one of those.

You know, his offer
would be pretty enticing,

even to preferred stockholders.

If that were true, you
would have made it already.

So what do you really want?

I'm happy you asked. Douglas?

Look, we know you want to
keep McClintock Media Group

in the family.

But there's really
only one person

who can keep Mr. Zannino at bay.

And, look, I know my brain is
all mush 'cause of the drugs,

and I'm, like, la-la-la,

but I'll try to string a
few words together.

You think you'd back
down if I asked you to?

Only if you say
"please," darling.

Aw, that's sweet.
Go to the board.

Tell them you're stepping
aside for personal reasons

and ask that they vote Marissa
to be the new chairwoman.

And just turn everything
over to our little junkie sister

who treats rehab

like winter vacation?

Oh, we're gonna need
to move this along,

'cause this is usually
when I shoot up.

All right, your
"junkie little sister"

has managed to take her company

well into the black.

Well, you already
know this. I mean,

you've been moving ones
and zeros off of her books

and onto yours for sometime now.

Do you want your old
media holdings to thrive

in the digital age?

Why don't you turn the
keys over to someone

who actually knows how to
grow a business in-in this century.

Or you can let a big
corporate raider swoop in

and break up your family legacy.

Your call.

Hey, no, no, no, no.
No, this is a good time.

Um, if you'll excuse me.

Doug?

Okay, well, now, we've drawn up

several modes for the
transfer of equitable shares...

Hey, Julian?

Hey, I got to call you back.

Congratulations,
looks like you're

well on your way to
becoming a media mogul.

Yeah, Joel and
Suzanne are gonna bite.

They're fucking cowards.

Yeah, but either way,

the company is
vulnerable to a buyout.

I mean, sure, there's
gonna be some work

to be done... you
have to restructure,

figure out what to
keep, what to get rid of.

What, you're talking like
I'm actually gonna buy it.

And... if I were to
buy the company,

that's something you
could help me with.

Absolutely, for a nominal fee.

Hey, it's not love that makes
the world go round, right?

Goddamn right; you
cannot buy a private jet

with a pocketful of love.

So, you think that's
the move? Listen.

If I were you, I would
walk right back in there...

You would fuck over a friend
for a couple extra bucks?

Take somebody you care about,

assure her that you're
gonna be there for her,

and then yank the
rug from under her feet.

It's a good thing you're not me.

And I'm sure as
hell glad I'm not you.

I mean, look at
this-this piece right here.

Oh, yeah.

Gosh, he really does just
seem tortured, doesn't he?

That's the perfect word, wow.

Hey, Sarah. Hi.

We were just talking
about this painting.

Ugh. What do you think?

I'm sorry, it just
doesn't move me.

I don't know. Wow.

Wow.

Well, there's a certain
grace and solemnity

that you're probably
missing, I think.

No, I think I'm seeing
the whole thing.

Yeah? I just don't find
it all that fascinating.

No, God... Yeah, I
mean, God, who are we

to define what
great art is really?

Yeah. Well, it's not
all subjective, is it?

What kinds of stuff do you like?

Uh, well, a friend and I saw

these really cool
interactive proto-pop collages

at MOCA a few weeks ago.

Oh, yes, I heard about those.

They were very
physical, and-and...

Mm-hmm, right, right, right.

But is it art?

Hmm, up for debate, I think.

Ooh, my God.

I just got a hit from
this one right here.

Oh, for goodness sake.

Sarah, there is nothing going
on between me and Caitlin.

Yeah, like you
could even get her.

Wow.

I'm sorry to interject.

But you think Caitlin's
too good for Doug,

and you thought I
had a thing for Doug?

No offense, Jeannie, but
you do like to pass it around.

Yeah. Hi.

Nope.

I came here... Oh, God.

To make a baby with you

and to connect, and you
just treated me like shit.

Sarah, can we please
not talk about this now? No!

Actually, Doug, I
don't want to whisper

because I'm fucking
angry with you!

Why? Baby, I don't care

that you don't understand
abstract postmodernism.

Oh, my God. You know what?

This isn't about
last night. What?

This has been
going on for weeks.

What has? You're acting weird.

No, I'm not, I'm
not. Yes, you are.

You're pulling away.
And you know what?

I know that you're not coming
every time that we have sex.

Like I don't know what
a hot load feels like?

Oh, wow, you know,

you can totally have
my seat if you want.

Oh, that's okay,
I'm fine in coach.

Um...

You know how
sometimes the acoustics

in a small space
can... I heard "hot load."

"Hot load," yeah.
That's what I heard.

That's what I thought.

No, no, no, no, no.

- Jeannie's seat.
- No, go for it, Clyde.

I'm fine over here.

Oh, thanks, Jeannie.

"Hot load," man.

Yeah.

Do you have any idea how much
money I made your company today?

'Cause it feels fucking
good on this side.

Yeah, well, how about
we let the check clear

before we start cupping
each other's balls?

Welcome aboard.

Now that the captain has
turned off the fasten seat belt sign,

you may now move around and...

Is everything okay?

Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, that Sarah
stuff, that'll blow over.

I'm gonna grab a drink.

Can I get you anything? Mm.

No root beer?
Nothing like that? No.

Okay.

Anything else, just let
me know. Thank you.

Appreciate it.

Hey.

Do you not want to be with me?

What? Why would you say that?

If you're not happy, then,
um, let's just end this.

Whoa, hold on, "end this"?

Wh-Wha...

Where is this coming from?

Okay.

It-It's just a lot of...

new... all at once, right?

The speedy marriage,

the trying to have a
baby, the things at work.

It's... it's confusing.

I'm... um, yeah.

It's confusing.

Either you're in
it or you're not.

Which is it?

It's only two options?

I'm asking, I...

One of us needs
to make a decision.

And until you can...

get your shit together,

we're done.

Hold on.

Hey... No. Please don't.

Can I come in?

Okay, can we just
fucking talk about this?

'Cause I've had enough, man.

Yes, I stole the Carlson
business from you.

But you know what?
You fucking pushed me.

Oh, I get it. It's my fault. I'm
not saying it's totally your fault,

but you got to take some...
Clyde, wait a second, wait a second.

Have you heard of honor
among thieves, Clyde? Okay?

We fuck them over.

We can't do that if we're
spending all our time

trying to fuck each other over.

Yeah, but you sold me out.

Come on. Don't say "come on."

We were friends and
you fucking sold me out.

Now, I'm not saying
that justifies what I did,

but that's still fucked.

Yeah, but you did it anyway.
We both fucked up. Both of us.

Don't forget that.

I can take
ownership for my part.

Now I'm bringing you this
big, fancy piece of business

as a peace offering,
as a way for us

to start over, but I don't
even know if it's possible, man.

Is it? Can we start over?

I... I mean...

Like Obamacare
reboot start over?

Do you know how
much work that is?

It's a lot of work, yeah.

Yes, like Obamacare.

I want it to be like Obamacare.

Yeah, good work today, man.

That's all I wanted to
hear. How pathetic is that?

That's literally all
I wanted to hear.

Pretty sad.

Want a drink?

If I drink, what
happens? You get naked.

Right, can't we just fuck?

Just some snacks.

♪ Well, this is a game ♪

♪ I wish it wasn't so ♪

♪ Oh, before we get started ♪

♪ There's one thing about
it that you should know ♪

♪ Well, this is a game ♪

♪ Please remember my words ♪

♪ And don't get upset ♪

♪ When you don't get what
you think you deserve, oh. ♪

Meow.