House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 3, Episode 5 - Soldiers - full transcript

Previously on House of Lies...

I pulled the goalie.

Wait, you stopped
using birth control?

I did!

Jeannie, Sarah wants
to have a baby.

Hey!
That's my fucking car, man!

Getting the old band back
together for a reunion tour?

So you asked me
to bail you out of jail

so you could hit me up for a job?
No, that's not...

You're fucking amazing.

So, listen, since you're
playing catch-up,



I'm gonna take
the lead at DollaHyde.

The meeting was at 10:00.
Who cares?

They need us to put a shitload
of paper in they pocket.

- Why don't you shut the fuck up?
- Attitude.

- I like it.
- Drug dealers.

So DollaHyde's seed money...

Did not come from
a venture capital firm.

And I'd gotten so used to consulting
for white-collar criminals.

I want him out.

Any way you can
convince him to sell?

Lukas is all,
"DollaHyde my baby."

Well, DollaHyde my baby, too.

And he's gonna fuck us up.

No, he's not.



Oh, hey, Dad, coffee's on.

Oh. Hey.

I just really need some water.

Hello.

Is that my shirt?
Huh?

Oh!
Yeah, I think it is.

Sorry, you can have it back.

Lea-Leave it on,
leave it on.

Leave it on.
Jesus Christ.

Oh, hey, Chantelle.

Oh! Hey.

"Hey, Chantelle..."
Wait a minute.

What in the...

Grandpa's new friend.

Oh.

Grandpa's new friend.

Do your parents know you've been
out on a school night, Chantelle?

I did hear you were funny.

Ah.

And I've heard
nothing about you.

Where's that water, kitten?

I'm parched.

Whoa.

Whoa!

Need it to wash
down that Viagra?

Will you be cool?

Are you kidding me?

This is appropriate to you?

What the fuck is going on?

What's it look like's going on?

Look, this is ridiculous.

I think she's a little young

even for me, Pop.

Oh, well, good.

Name is Chantelle.

Yes.
Yeah.

I got that piece
of information.

Where'd you meet her?
Spearmint Rhino?

At a talk I gave.
Mm-hmm.

She's a therapist.

Yeah... she's
a therapist

finishing up her doctorate.
Ooh.

I want her to feel welcome.

Well, I think you
already handled that.

All right?

Welcome, Chantelle.

See you kids later.

And, Chantelle...

my house is not
clothing-optional, okay?

Go put your Garanimals on.

Oh, boy.

This day just gets
better and better.

Hey, Mom.

You, uh, you trolling for pussy

at, uh, Color Me Mine, Marty?

She's a little young,

even for you.

She's not with me, okay?
She's with...

I could not care less.

Yeah, that makes two of us.

She's with me.
Ugh.

Sweetie, come on.

Actually, I haven't had
breakfast yet, Mom.

We'll get a frappuccino
on the way to school. Yay.

- Love you, Grandpa.
- Bye, Chantelle. - Bye.

Wow.

Gross. Come on.

- Ah...
- No, you don't get it.

You've never worked for a
top-tier consulting firm before.

That's true.
Right.

So you would have no idea
about the pressures.

If I could get back
to my old boss...

Marty, right?

You think he's the answer?

Yes. Yeah.

Yeah. I just need

one big fucking move.

Clyde, when you go through
a break like you did,

you need to do some hard work
with what you feel is the reason.

How's business here,
by the way?

'Cause I could show you
and your partners

how to blast open
those profit margins.

It looks like you could
use it a tiny bit.

Obviously, that's not an option.

Oof!

Almost went over.
That's 50 minutes.

All right, Clyde.

Now, if I could just see

your court card.

Yeah, of course.

Yeah, and if you can just
throw me that little script

for Wellbutrin you want me on.

And then throw in some Xanax

there as well, that'd be great.

I am gonna up that Wellbutrin,

and no Xanax.
No Xanax?

You good with that?
That's fine.

Okay.
Okay.

Okay.
Mmm...

I'm ready now.
Yeah, yeah.

Put your baby juice in me.
What?

I can feel a life

starting with every thrust.

Really?
Do it!

Can you see our adorable child?
Uh... yeah...

He's being made
right now, babe.

And he has your eyes.

And he's got a cute
little penis...

Oh, God.
...just like his father.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

That was...
felt so good. Mmm.

Honey?
Mm-hmm?

Did you come?
What?

Because it totally d...
it didn't seem like you did.

What are you talking about?

No, I-I made
the noise and everything.

Of course I came.

I didn't come.

Oh...

I've been withholding orgasm

since she decided...
we decided to, uh, get pregnant.

Why don't you just tell her

that you don't
want a baby, Doug?

I mean, instead of telling me.

Because I want to want a baby.

I just...
it's odd,

and it's all happening so fast.

Hey, I mean, I hear you.

Who wants to be a milk machine

for a bunch of
teeny-tiny assholes?

Not me, but...

Just tell her.

I don't know. There's still
so much I haven't done.

Like spelunking.

Or-or participating

in an authentic
sweat lodge ritual.

Or hanging out with Marty more.

Marty's never gonna
hang out with you, Doug.

That's mean.

Ah, shit. Oh, God.

J-Jeannie, Jeannie,
Jeannie, wait.

See, the problem is,
I got interrupted,

so it really hurts, you know?

Sarah's got these moves
that really get me there,

so I'm right on the verge of...
Yuck.

Yuck. Listen.

Why don't you just jerk off
at home in the shower?

Uh, yeah, like a savage.

Are you kidding me?

That requires preparation.

Uh, lighting.
Props.

A little Maroon 5.

Oh, God, I wish Clyde was here.

To jerk you off?

What? Of course not.

No, because he would understand.

You know, it's a guy thing.

It's not funny, Jeannie.

This hurts.
Well, great.

Well, why don't you just
do it here before we go?

Uh... yeah, okay.

Are you gonna stay, or...?

You can if you want.

Not in my office, Doug.
Right! No.

Of course not.
You meant in the building.

Okay.

Do not take
a mental picture of me.

I wasn't.

Hey.

All right, kids.
Oh, God.

It's time to make moves

so we can go do our
little sell job on Lukas

and get him up
out of that com...

Everything okay down there?

Oh, yeah, fine.

He's withholding orgasm.

Right.
Oh.

My man Marty.

You got serious game.

I got game?

Is this what we pay you for?

To watch my black ass?

I've had worse engagements.

I know players.

And you are a player,

Miss Jeannie Van Der...

whatever the fuck your name is.

I know how you people do.

You throw around
a lot of jargon,

try to confuse me,

make me think I can't live
without your wisdom.

You don't trust us?

Aw...

Well, that's all right.
I don't trust you, either.

But you do like me.

Hey, Spanky,
quit eye-fucking me!

What? I-I wasn't.

I was looking at the hole.

For the hole.

she grabs a letter opener,

stabs her in fucking leg.

But the good thing is

that if I stab her ass now,

there's been a precedent set,
you know what I mean?

Like it's a viable option.

Get the fuck out of here.

Yeah, well, women, I...

can't get in love with them,

can't cli-climax
in them.

All right, Dre,
come on, man, you're up.

I'll be down there in a second.

Yeah, good luck, Doug.

Hey, Marty.
Um...

I thought the goal of today
was to be working Lukas,

not making goo-goo eyes
at your new BFF.

Goo-goo eyes?

I mean, you're
cute together, but...

Did you forget that
Dre was a client?

Oh. Dre's a client.

That's right.
Right.

How many clients do you
clear your entire schedule

to go golfing with?

Or tell intimate details
of your life to?

You hate everybody, Marty.

Except your new bro.

Oh, wait a minute.

Are you saying
because he's a black guy

I'm-I'm friends
with him now?

Racist!

What I'm saying is that

because Dre is
becoming your friend,

he is literally different

than every other person
on the planet.

And how many friends
does Jeannie have?

Let me see.

Two, seven, 46...
carry the nine...

zero.

I don't need friends, Marty.

I'm pretty.

Here we go.

Oh.
Ooh.

Well, look like this
six-figure membership

didn't come with any skills,
did it, Dre?

Hey, I got skills, motherfucker.

I got skills.

I just can't find 'em right now.

I would check your back pocket.

You're up.

No, no, no, no.

Jeannie-bean? The-the ladies'
tees are up front.

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

I like it.

Welcome.

for $400.

IQ stands for...

Marissa?

Mm?

You have a visitor.

Uh... hi...

Clyde.

Clyde!

Hi, Clyde.

I will leave you to it.
Thank you.

I like the house.

So...

You were surprised to see me?

Yeah.
Yeah.

It's been a long time, right?

Hope we could relate
a little bit,

because I have actually been in

a little bit of a mess myself.

Mm?

I was in one of
those meetings, um...

court-mandated meeting
because there was

an arrest involved.
Oh.

Yeah, there's nothing
violent, nothing like that.

But when I was there, someone
told me that you were here.

I'm telling you, the second...

the second they said
your name to me,

I just thought that I could
just turn your life around.

And I think I can get
your business back for you.

Oh, my God.

I know. It would
be like heaven, right?

No, Clyde.

You're a bottom-feeder.

No, you're not getting
my intention...

I mean, I'm at
my lowest point here.

I'm trying to survive.

I mean, look at me.
I'm-I'm shaking.

And here you are, some guy

that I hooked up with
once at New Year's...

It was Hanukkah.

taking advantage
of my vulnerability

to make a buck. Come on.

Now, that's not fair, okay?

I'm not trying to take advantage
of anything. At the very least,

I'm making sure you're okay.

I'm just fucking with you. God!

You're just fucking with me?

Okay.

I am so fucking bored in here.

You want to see where
they make us pee in a cup?

Yes, of course.
Yeah, let's go.

Yeah.

Uh, tee box is full.

All right, crackers, come on.

Get your ass out the way.
We playing through.

Not now, right now.

Sorry, white people.

Sorry for what?

So, since you are literally
charging us by the second,

why don't you let us
hear what you got.

Uh, we ran an 80/20
statistical analysis

on the Walmart expansion,

and, um... it's
potentially lucrative.

Now wait one goddamn minute.

Would you run that back
to me one mo 'gin

without all the fancy

bullshit consultant rhetoric?

You were right.

Whoo! Goddamn it!

Sound even better
than when I say it.

Now why don't you tell me
how much you billed me

to tell me that I was right?

Uh, we had to do
a little more than that.

You see, we had to run
a side-by-side analysis

of the Walmart expansion given
your current brand recognition

in key demos.
And survey says!

You got to expand the brand

if you want Joe Six-pack
to know he's got to have it.

Now, we ran some ideas
for said expansion.

And a very cool backpack
and carrying case line

is the frontrunner.

What? Luggage?

Right.

Fuck out of here.
I like it.

I bet you do like it,

you fucking Barney's-wearing
motherfucker you.

Hey, I'm not gonna be
too many more motherfuckers.

Lukas, their revenue
projections are off the charts.

And it can be tailored
to the DollaHyde brand,

so graffiti artist
tablet covers

and titanium
laptop roller bags.

I mean, dope!

No, Doug.

Listen, Lukas,

DollaHyde may actually
be able to do

something that no other
clothing line

has been able to crack yet.

Hey, man, this all
the fuck you got?

Let me let each and every last one
of you in on a little secret.

DollaHyde sells lifestyle.

That said lifestyle has
jack shit to do with luggage.

Get the fuck out my way.

Yeah, of course.

So there's the garden,
whatever.

Okay, listen, here's the thing.

You have a ticket out of here.

You pioneered one of the top
Web sites in the world.

Mediawolf is major currency,
and that's your fucking baby.

Well, hate to break it to you,
but it's not mine anymore.

Point for my siblings!

I know. I know
your family...

And now I live here
with dreamcatcher lady

and the other one who sold
her kids' schoolbooks for crack.

It's my family's fun little game
of defaming me

for their own amusement;
they have conservatorship.

It's like I can't have a drink
in my personal time...

Right, right.
...like an adult

Or a fucking eight ball.

Yes, exactly!
Yes, I get it!

They just expect you
to be a pretty face

and have the occasional
three-way with Paris Hilton.

But fuck that.
You made good.

So good, that with your family's
expiring media empire

hitting a wall, they put you
here so they can get their hands

on your fucking beautiful
Internet cash cow.

Mm. You rehearse that
on the way over?

Listen, you're here because
they want Mediawolf.

There's no other reason.

Truth.

I'm here because I can
help save it for you.

And I can get you out of this
fucking place, which is insane.

Mm. I forget,
do you like anal?

You speak Korean?

Okay...

I just... I want
to know you.

God, are you kidding me?
No.

Marissa, I can get you
not only the Web site,

I can get you the whole
fucking family nut.

But you have to do exactly
what I tell you to do.

You're pretty cute
in that suit.

You don't stop.

And if I remember correctly,

your thing was going downtown.

Mm.
That was your thing, right?

This what you want to talk about?
Yeah.

I find you insanely fuckable.

And I fully intend to get

in some Korean anal with you
the second I have a chance.

Promise?

Oh, God, here, pinky promise.

Can't break a pinky promise.

I never will.
Okay.

Professionally, I'm extremely
disappointed in you,

Jeannie Van Der
Whatever-the-fuck.

I thought that you would
be into the idea.

I misjudged.
What can I say?

What could you have said?
You could have said sneakers.

What's up with your man?
Sneakers?

Yeah, sneakers. The little white
motherfuckers with the laces.

You wear 'em on your feet.

Don't you think that's the first
thing that we trotted out?

Don't you think
that's the first thing

that every broke-ass
hip-hop line tries?

Those broke-ass hip-hop lines,
they're fucking shit.

And you're what,

a fucking sneaker genius?

You just know that your sneakers
are gonna work, right?

For once, Marty Kaan, you just
happen to be absolutely right.

I am a fucking genius,
and my sneakers will absolutely

fucking work.

You cannot expose
DollaHyde's bottom line

right before the IPO;
it's way too risky.

He's right.

Well, Marty, I mean, they did
break through with DollaHyde.

Hey, I like this guy.
He's a visionary.

No, no, that was at a time

when everybody was
looking for a funky alternative

to The Gap
or Abercrombie, okay?

Absolutely.
Sneakers are blown out.

Yeah, but what if we built
a firewall in between

DollaHyde and
the sneaker entity?

That would quarantine the risk.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You talking about splitting
the company?

We'd have two companies
rolling in the dough

instead of one
when it finally hits.

Yeah, but if what when it hits,
it doesn't make enough noise?

Do I look like a motherfucker
that has a problem making noise?

Never. I'm the loudest
motherfucker you know.

I'm turned all the way up...
knob broke, no remote.

You understand that?
Decision's been made.

We doing it.

Hit your fucking ball,
Marty Kaan.

Oh, yeah.

Are you fucking kidding me?

Whoo!

And the deed... is done.

Don't give me any more details.

I don't want a visual on this.

Hey, look, I don't know what you
guys looking so shook for, man.

Sneakers are gonna make us
a lot of money.

I just run the numbers,
you make the call.

You goddamn right.
You can thank me later.

Luggage.

Fucking idiot.

Oh, not an idiot, but...

All right, folks.

Don't forget your seatbelt!

Shut the fuck up, Doug.

Okay.

DollaHyde, fool!

Now that was some
next-level shit, my man.

Oh, well, you gave me
the sneakers.

We just had to make him
think it was his idea.

Uh-huh.

So now what?

Well, now

all the capital stays
with the clothing line,

and Lukas gets 100%
of nothing but a shoe.

And DollaHyde?

DollaHyde is squeaky clean.

All bright and shiny for
that groundbreaking IPO,

and all yours.

That's what I'm talking about.

Yes, sir.
You do not

disappoint, my friend.

Marty Kaan!

Whoo! Love it when you say that
with the black power fist.

Oh, you know what?

You should come over
to my place tomorrow.

Uh, yeah, I would love that.

I'm pretty sure
he's talking to me.

I want you to meet my fam.

You should bring Roscoe.

Oh, all right, great.

OMG, what are you gonna wear?

You're welcome.

It's a great day
for Kaan and Associates.

Job well done.

Yes...

Ooh, shoot.

Oh, Doug. Oh, God,
Marty, please!

It's fine. A little
club soda will get that out.

Ooh, boy, yeah, it was kind of
like Mt. Vesuvius in there.

Real buildup.

Doctor says the damage
isn't permanent,

but it's still tender,
and that's what worries me.

Oberholt!

Clyde! Clyde, oh, my God.

How are you?

Did you get my flowers?
I thought it was

a nice, masculine arrangement.
What did you think?

I actually came to see Marty.

I'm gonna drop
a little intel on him.

Huh?

He is probably getting

a bikini wax
for his date with Dre.

'Cause he so wants
to fuck that guy.

Okay.
Ooh, hey, did you see the redhead?

Which one is this?

The one I told you about, Caitlin.
Yeah.

Yeah. Or as I call her,
"Chiara."

Why do you call her Chiara?

That's her name in Italian.
It's kind of a thing we have.

Every time I see her,
I'm like, "Ciao, Chiara."

And she's just like,
"Hi, Doug."

So she talks normally,

and you talk like a big idiot.

No, it's like a thing we have.

You and Marty still aren't
in the best place, Clyde.

Are you sure you want to...?

Okay, Jeannie, you know what?

You're way less cute
when you worry.

So do me a favor,
chill the fuck out.

It's all good.

Okay, whatever you say.

Bye.

Hey, buddy.
Hmm?

I mean, she might have a point.

Shouldn't you be
taking it easy,

after everything
that's happened?

It doesn't even matter.
That's in the past, okay?

I'm looking towards the future.

And all I need is one minute
with Marty.

No, what you need is to worry
about your health, all right?

The little kid inside here.
Oh...

The world can be a scary place
for mavericks like us.

Mav...? Are you
fucking kidding me?

What?

Don't.

Dude, you kill it at work,
at this fucking place.

You're fucking brilliant.

And now you have Sarah.

Man, you have a fucking wife,
someone who loves you.

You're probably gonna have
some beautiful nerd family,

okay?

I have nothing.

You have everything,
and you don't even see it.

Yeah.

Right?

Yeah.

I need to get back here.

All right.

Marty's fucked up just like me.

He gets me.

I do?

You really think

you can bring in the entire
McClintock media empire?

I know I can.

Was that...?

Did I miss something?

Was that the whole thing?
This is a big whale,

and I can bring it
to your doorstep.

Oh, wow, I am so sorry

you wasted your time
and bus fare.

Take care of yourself.

Try to stay out of trouble.

Marty. Marty.
And buh-bye.

Marty, we need this.
If he's...

Jeannie, he is
not here to help us.

You understand?
He's here to help himself.

Again.
It's McClintock.

Hand delivered by Judas.

I'm in the shit, right?

But I have been punished.

Working for your ex-wife.

By fucking going to jail.

Listen, I will
never make the mistake

that I made with you before.

Come on, Marty.

What, are you gonna
punish him forever?

For one thing that he did?

What? You guys can't
just start over?

I will not fuck this up.

This would be huge for
Kaan and Associates.

We need the revenue.

And we need the profile.

Boss lady says it's a yes,
so I guess it's a yes.

That's what I'm talking about.

Thank you very much, and I will
prove myself to you, okay?

Thank you, boss lady.

Weirdly emasculated boss man.

Man, get the fuck out of here
and get the money.

Thank you, sir.
I got this, okay?

It's so good, baby.

All right.
Mm-hmm.

Yeah, oh, yeah.

Yeah, okay.

You have everything,

and you don't even see it.

Oh, yeah, uh-huh!

Whoa, oh!

Oh, my God, I did it!

I think I just put
a baby in you!

Yeah, you did.
Yeah!

Oh, sweet thing.

Yeah.

FYI...
Yeah?

Only one of us came.

Oh, yeah, no, right, of course!
Cool.

No, oh, of course.

Yeah.

They think they can
just get rid of me?

I was the linchpin
behind that shit show.

Whoa, whoa.

Monica.

What the hell's going on?

She got fired.
Oh.

What happened?

Supposedly, I create

a hostile work environment.

You? Oh, no, do they
have the right gal?

But, uh...
that cretin that stabbed me?

She's just... somehow she's, uh,

she's related
to the treasury secretary.

Fuck them.

Right?
Listen.

I can make some calls, okay?

I got your back, Mo.

Uh...

I have pills for that.

Thanks though.

Well, I am off to meet Lex
at the skate park.

Negatory.
You are coming with me,

and we are going to Dre's house.

Oh, awesome, yeah!

Can-can I bring Lex though?

Uh, no, no.

We are not bringing our family
circus to a client's house.

I'm sorry.

Because if I'm going,
Lex is going.

Whoa, did I miss the part
where you're moving out?

Huh?

'Cause as long as you live under
this roof, you don't lip off to me.

So I should just
act like you then?

Uh, you better act like
you're gonna get ready, okay?

Before you and I have
a real problem.

But, Dad, we do have a problem.

You're calling
me and Lex a circus.

I mean, Grampa would say
I could bring Lex.

You know what?
Grampa's not here, okay?

And I'm not gonna
turn on the news to see

if there's an Amber Alert
out to find him.

Now, go get ready,
and get your mind right.

Whatever.

The fuck?

Sometimes, I...

Wow.

Wait, let me... let me...
let me say it again

with the right
em-pha-sis.

Wow!

I am a lucky motherfucker.

Wait, hold on, scratch that.

An extremely handsome
and lucky motherfucker. Ah, yes.

You know what I'm talking about?
Let's get the order correct.

But you know
on the real to real,

sometimes I get this
nagging feeling.

You know, that just
one little tremor

or shift of the earth...

all of this...

can just fucking go poof.

Mm.
You know?

You feel it, too.

I can tell.

Oh, and by the way,

you are now a new
member of the club.

Stop playing games.

No wait list.

I hooked it up.

My man, my man.

Let's get something to eat.

Like, just standing outside
a grocery store

with a clipboard,

making people resent you
and hate your cause...

Hate the cause.
...is not gonna change the world.

Nope. Sorry.

So, let me get this straight...
you are for

the wholesale destruction
of the rain forest.

Exactly. I love it.

Hey, what the hell
y'all talking about?

Ah, who am I kidding?

I always sign.

Oh, your wife's a big softie.

So, it must be awesome
having a dad

that really spends
time with you.

And Dre Collins?
Oh, God.

How lucky, right?

Oh, I'll get it.
All right.

Why does he always
get to answer?

I want to answer!

All right, baby,
I'll let you do it next time.

- Okay?
- Can I just tell you

this is probably
the best meal I've had ever.

Thank you.

Baby, you are the best cook.
Oh, God.

I don't even want to know

what karma your mother
is gonna send my way

when she hears you say that.

It's Uncle Lukas.
He wants to take me

to a Clippers game tomorrow.

They're floor seats.
Can I please go?

You got your science project
to prepare, sweetie.

Next time. Take Roscoe upstairs
and show him your guinea pigs.

Okay.
Go ahead.

Well, thank you.
I mean, I love your house

and how nice you guys
have been to me.

You're welcome.

So, how's that?

Yeah, how do you think it is?

My-my suggestion is you hold them
underwater before they hit their teens.

I mean, it's not exactly what
I thought I would be fielding,

but I love him.

He's-he's a great kid.

You know, I just want to...

Just want to keep him safe.

Yeah, exactly.
Yeah.

You know, from everything.

Mm, beautiful.

Thanks, baby.
Got you.

More wine?

Yeah.

Now, don't laugh, but, uh...

this is from my vineyard.

Oh, will you stop
bragging already?

Yes, Marty.

I also have a vineyard.

Uh, yes, Dre,
I heard you the first time.

You know, maybe Lukas is right.

Maybe I am a little
bougie at times.

Yeah, a little bit.
Just a little something something.

A little something something.
Not too crazy, but just sometimes.

Yeah, so, uh, about Lukas.

I mean, he's family, right?

Depends on how you look at it.

Okay.
What?

Are we now having second
thoughts, Marty Kaan?

No, no, no,
I'm not saying that.

I just saying that...

you know,
what we're about to do...

This isn't just some guy
you work with.

There's no coming
back from that.

You guys have a history
together, right?

A-A life basically together.

My life...
it's in there.

That woman is the reason
why I'm still alive.

Now, look... I ain't
trying to disrespect you.

You know what I'm saying?

I ain't trying to be
disrespectful at all, but...

I didn't come up like you.

Every day was like
a war for me.

And I fought that war for her,
and now for my kids.

And they make me want to
keep fighting that war for them.

Lukas is dangerous to all that.

You don't have
a lot of options.

With everything in
my fucking heart, all I know is

I've got to protect this.

You know how that feels?

I do.

Then let's do this.