House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 3, Episode 3 - Boom - full transcript

Stearn is back at the Helm of G-S. Jeannie's position is now at risk, but a Shark is born when she leverages a partner position at Kaan and sabotages G-S on the way out. Clyde walks out on Monica who's recuperating at home.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it -
Previously on House of lies...

This was supposed to be
a game-changer for me,

and he just does
whatever the fuck he wants.

I know. Classic Marty, huh?

What do you want, Marty?

- We miss you at the new shop.
- I really want to thank you,

julianne-- I am learning
a tremendous amount from you.

- I enjoy mentoring.
- It looks like

gil has been using
a statistical

methodology that's been
outmoded for years.

Good luck with that dod account.
It's in your hands now.

Marty's ex-wife, she's 100%

Sic semper tyrannis!

Just fucking fire me, please.
Just fucking get me out of here.

I am gonna keep you here for the
re of your mediocre career!

Robert Tretorn, free range
You are never

gonna find heirloom seaweed at
that white-trash colossal foods.

How drunk are you?
You take colossal foods,

I take free range.

It'll keep them on the hook


Oh, this is so good.

This is like a roller coaster,
you know?

Like full throttle
at magic Mountain or...

Oh, sooperdooperlooper
at hersheypark. Fuck.

Oh, God, you're
so fucking stupid.

Wait, why would you say that...
Oh, shu... shh!

Shh! Shh! Shh. Oh. Oh.

Big day, Kitty cat.

Do you want some coffee?

I have a coffee maker.


Didn't you move in, like,
seven months ago?

Yes, well, I'm not
exactly hattie homemaker.

So I guess no fresh baked
muffins either?

No. Sorry.

Hey, uh, what time is
your meeting at colossal foods?

Uh, we land in
Phoenix at noon, so...

By 1:00, Ted Lasky will think

that converting a fleet
of stores

into a healthy-
living brand

was his idea.

You always been
this fucking cocky?

I just hope you can pull it off
on your end.

Because rumor on the street
is that you've lost a step.

And I'm imagining this rumor
was started by...

Somebody had to.


Coffee maker.

Do you have any coffee?

No, I do not.
No, you do not.

Doesn't matter. I'll pick
some up from free range.

Robert tretorn, on his latest
jaunt into the amazonian

rain forest, has discovered a
bean that will make you question

everything you ever thought
about hot beverages.

Why do I get the feeling
you're gonna love

ruining Tretorn's day?

'Cause I'm gonna love ruining.

Tretorn's day.

Come on!

An existential threat to his...

Pretentious baby?

Oh, God.
Gonna be like...

Christmas fucking morning.

Yeah. And a, uh, full
frontal attack from colossal,

with a deep pocket like that, is gonna
send him scrambling.

I know. It's gonna be a
beautiful thing. Mm-hmm.

Cleanup on aisle five,

six, seven.

You gonna open the door or...?

Yes, I'm gonna get the door.

You can just...
Help yourself

to... anything.

Hey. Sorry. I left my, uh...

Yep. Oh, there it is.

What up? Hey, what's up,
bro? What's going down?

How you doing, man?
He came straight from softball

last night, so...

I'm a catcher.

You don't say.

Yeah. All right,
you know what?

I should get going.
Duty calls, so...

All right.
Hey, stay awesome.


Don't leave him hanging.
Pound it out.

Thank you.
All right.

Bye. Okay.

Oh, I think
he might be the one,

Jeannie. Right, because every girl

you've ever fucked is
a theoretical physicist.

So, he's a catcher.

Now, what position does he play
on the softball team? Oh, no.

You do not get to have the
Jeannie-with-a-strap-on fantasy.

Sorry, Marty, you had
your chance-- you blew it.

Yeah, uh, look,

I know we never had
a real conversation

about anything that... you
know what? I have so much to do

before I get on this flight.

Yep. I got to get Roscoe
to school.

Tell me you're not gonna
fuck me over on this.

Are you kidding me?

Jeannie, come on. What...

Whatever you think about me,
why would I do that?

From a purely
financial standpoint.

Jeannie, this is gonna be huge
for both of us, okay?

My brand-new company gets
a steady cash infusion,

and you get to waltz
right back into Galweather

as a conquering hero.

I already have julianne

like a ballerina in a music box.

This is a win, Marty,
but I certainly don't need it.

So why are you doing it?

Maybe I'm gonna fuck you over.

Yeah. Maybe.

My office.
Oh, Jeannie.

I couldn't sleep last night.

And normally
I'm an amazing sleeper,

but last night, I was,
like, mwah, you know?

I mean, I was just raised
with certain values.

You get what I'm saying.
I mean, I think

our childhoods are
pretty similar, actually.

Our families lived
paycheck to paycheck.

Christmas was a homemade scarf
and an extra slice of ham.

And while the rich kids were off
skiing and horseback riding,

we were developing
strong moral character.

I mean, we're not saints,

but we're what my aunt Helen
would call good people.

Benita, I have absolutely no
idea what you're talking about.

The work we're doing.

For the defense department.

: Why are you
whispering? Because I think

we've crossed some legal
and ethical boundaries.

When we first started,

I was focused
on the statistical models.

But now, seeing the breadth
of the data mining,

it goes well beyond
what the FISA court

deemed constitutional. Okay,
I'm getting every other word,

so if you could just condense what
you... I'm sorry. You have justeen

such an amazing mentor.
What? She's not your mentor.

And I am on the horns of
a real dilemma.

I mean, I consider
myself a patriot.

I love my country.
I love my country.

And, I mean, I definitely
wouldn't want for there

to be another 911.

What? Who calls it 911?

It's 9/11. A lot of
people died that day, Doug.

Does it really
matter what we call it?

Hey. A guy who once dated
my aunt

worked at cantor Fitzgerald, so
don't you... no. Okay. All right.

Don't you dare give me the
high hat. It's okay. No...

Well, now you said
"give me the high hat."

He brings it out in me.
I don't mean to.

Oh, yeah. Doug, I wish so
much for us to be friends.

That's the bird. He just
flipped me the bird, Jeannie.

Really, Doug? Really?

Telling stories. Jeannie... excuse me.

Can I help you with something?


I'm good.



Okay. Yeah.

It's privacy violations
up the wazoo.

Come on. And it's not
just illegal, it's wrong.

And I'm not just saying this.
I mean, even us good girls

have our moments, too-- look,
I'm-I'm not ashamed to admit

I may have sent a topless selfie
or two in my day.


And I wouldn't be opposed
to letting the government

have a peek if I thought
it would aid national security.

: If these
silver dollars could thwart

the international
terrorist effort,

God bless you.
Otherwise, I say,

"eyes to yourself,
federal agents.

Unless you're cute and drive
a nice car.

Jeannie, they need you

in the conference room.


Did they say why?

Beautiful day, isn't it,

It's okay.


Gil, my man.

Good to see you again.
You, too, you big bear.

It is good to be here.

Hey, Jeannie.

Why don't you...

Find a seat.

I'm back!

I can't believe
we're at fucking.

Monica's house.
Feel like we're errand boys

while she's off doing
her morning ablutions, man.

This is a fucking shit show.

Life's a fucking shit show.

Aw, thank you so much,
r-rated Charlie brown.

I'm happy you're here.

I'm not Charlie brown.
You're exactly

Charlie brown, except for
that cute little red-haired girl

just plunged a knife
into Lucy's thigh

and you're acting
like it's business as usual.

This should've been
a call to revolution.

Should've been the stab
heard 'round the world.

You can't hear a stab. It's a fucking
metaphor. Of course you can't hear a stab.

You look like shit.

Not get any sleep last night?

Fuck sleep. You know
what we should be doing?

We should be tanking shit.

You're not serious.
If we do it subtle,

if we miss a number here
or there, if we do it right now,

we can pull it off. Absolutely. If
we all work together, you are serious.

If we all rise up at the
same time, we can take her down.

I guarantee
we can take her down.

Monica's our boss.
Crazy powerful,

and I mean that not in the sense
of "very powerful,"

which she is, but literally
bat-shit out of her mind.

Let me plug that data

in here.

Oh. It says, "good luck
working again, dumb-ass."

You're fucking useless.

You're trapped by a lion.

You don't say, "fuck you, lion."

You play dead and pray to God
it doesn't eat you.

When have you ever been around
a lion in your life? Sir Clyde.

I thought that was you in here.
Look at this.

Little Marty. Or should I say

little Marty?
What's good, man?

Nothing much. You know,
I am sing someone.

Oh, you're seeing someone.
You know, I was actually

getting something started
with a woman myself,

but she ended up stabbing
your mom.

It's always something, right?


Oh, hey, dad.

Hey, man. Go get your stuff. All right.

Didn't expect to see you.

Well, when your fucking wife
has been...

Yeah. I thought you
would've been somewhere

lost in an eight-ball
on kinsley's dime.

Maybe I could be
recuperating properly

if you hadn't fucked me
with colossal foods.

Fuck that.

These goddamn
millennials, right? I mean,

back in my day, when you shivved
your crazy-ass boss,

you went for a vital organ

and you twisted that fucker.
You didn't... the thigh?

Not the thigh.
What is that?

Mmm. Uh...

You would miss me if I was dead,


Ready, dad. Bye, mom.

Later, Clyde.
Bye, baby. Mwah.

Bye, Roscoe.

For real? Oh, my God. Excuse me.

I don't even feel anything.

It's crazy.

There'll be some restructuring,

of course, as we, you know,
integrate the...

New faces with the old ones.
There'll be

some shifting
of responsibilities

and some shuffling of offices.

But you know what? All that
can wait for another day.

Today is about celebration,
as we triumph in this company's

return to its glory days.

To Galweather stearn, the way

that God intended it.

Hear, hear.
Hear, hear.

Now go forth and jihad!

Oh, Jeannie.

Uh, Jeannie, Jeannie, hey.

Can I have a word?

You know, for most of the last
year and a half, I've been a...

A goddamn pariah.

My friends, they wouldn't
even be seen with me,

let alone, you know, hire me.

I had to sell my vineyard.

Did you know that?

My lawyers tell me

I can't even fire

the stupid little cunt
that made all this happen.

I... can I just say one thing?

Mm-hmm. These friends
that couldn't hang

with your dehumanization of--

what was the final number--
16 women?--

maybe they weren't your real friends
to begin with. Look, you know what?

Don't feed me
that coercion bullshit.

I didn't hold a gun
to any of your heads.

You wanted to.

Oh, God, yes.
The too-tight shirts,

the thick, fetid breath,

the snow white bush,

we all just had to have it.

I mean, what girl doesn't dream
of blowing Santa claus?


I liked fucking you.

But I'm gonna...


Like fucking you.

I have a plane to catch.

Colossal foods.

Oh, right.

Well, go make Santa
a shitload of money.

How did this happen?

You think gil reached out?

I don't know. Maybe.

I mean, even so,

the rainmaker?
That doesn't make any sense.

It makes perfect sense, Doug.


You know how a-a,
a football team

will go through
a rebuilding phase?

No, not...
A basketball team?

Not really.
A baseball team?

I don't get that game.

Any team?
I'm more of a squash guy.

Yeah. I can get
into squash. Or crew.

Does the... does the
analogy fit... teams...

Sometimes try to change the
ethos of the locker room

by going to a youth movement or
bringing in "character guys."

They lose a few too many games,

and the next season
they open up their wallets

and they buy a bunch
of all-stars.

The rainmaker and his
cronies. Correct, Doug.

Okay. The rainmaker and his cronies.

All right, so what do we do?

I mean, apart from obviously
killing it today at colossal.


I don't know.

Hey. Here's a thought.

What if I request a transfer
to gil's pod?

He's close to the rainmaker.
That way, I can keep my eyes

and ears out for you, make sure

there-there are no nasty
surprises headed your way.

Wow, your loyalty is
so impressive, Doug.

Okay. I was just...
I get it. All right.

No jumping ship. Enough said. Yeah.

With you to the bitter end. Thank you.

I mean, unless you
say otherwise... Doug.

Okay. It's fine.

So, I was just in the restroom.
I got to thinking... gross.

Julianne was obviously

a political animal, very much
the accommodator type, but maybe

this rainmaker person would be
willing to play hardball

with the dod to get us into
compliance with federal law.

We do great work. The dod
would not want to lose...

Shut up. Please,
benita, just shut up

and do your job. Okay?
Shut up.

Why is that such a difficult
concept for you to grasp?

Huh? Do what you were hired to do. Why?

Mind your own business.

Now sit the fuck down.


Holy shit.

So, these rumblings,

are theyust rumblings
or what? No, no, no.

Ted Lasky has fast-tracked
his senior managers on this.

Colossal foods will have
a new brand up and running

by early next year. They don't
give a shit about the earth.

I give a shit about the
earth. I know, I know.

I have made it my life's mission
to protect the earth.

I don't think Ted Lasky
even knows

that's the planet we're on. Look,
don't worry about it, Robert, okay?

We got you.

Colossal is
a free market succubus

with a slavish devotion
to the bottom line.

Mm-hmm. And this guy's $40
million in salary last year

is just the earth's
way of saying thank you.

No, this experiment of theirs
is gonna go up in flames.

They have no feel for organics.

There's no artistry there.

No, let 'em burn.

We're gonna keep doing
what we're doing,

and we're gonna dance on their
ashes. Whoa. Wait-wait a minute.

Uh, Robert, now, clearly
they're philistines. Yeah.

They're pretenders.

That's right.
Ted Lasky

wouldn't know a goji Berry
from a dingle Berry.

But... do not help me.

But the people are gonna see
a brand-spanking-new store

at the end of their street.
It's gonna be called,

I don't know, fresh and organic
or golden meadows

or whatever the fuck
their high-priced market testers

spit out of their
word-combining algorithm.

The design of the store,

the signage-- it will look
like free range foods.

And they're gonna set their
prices just a little bit lower

than yours, and they're
gonna keep 'em there

until the only fresh produce
you have in the store's gonna be

that tumbleweed rolling down
the aisle where the frozen food

used to be. Nah, the
consumer's smarter than that.

Come on.

They're gonna see through it?

Come on.

Are you kidding me, Robert?

Fucking sheeple?

Come on... Americans--
fucking everywhere-icans,

they're gonna go for the lowest
common denominator every time.

You know that.

Listen, when you started
this company,

you took the people by the hand. Yeah.

That's right. You introduced
them to quinoa

and-and kombucha and twig tea.

You opened their eyes.

The revolution isn't over, baby.

Let us help you.

Okay? Because better
still matters.

Let's give it a shot.


the fuck are they?! That's it.

Which one of you stole
my fucking drugs?

That's professional.

Huh? I know
it was one of you.

Turn your pockets inside
out. I want to see oh, my God.

What is inside your pockets.
Hey, crazy lady,

nobody stole your fucking drugs,
all right?

Is it possible that maybe

you just forgot
where you put them?


Open up your pockets.


Are you seriously
taking your pockets?

That's it.

I'm done.
You're fucking insane,

okay? I'm out. Have a good life.

You should probably wait
for an actual offer from booz

before you quit this job.

Yep. I know about
your interview,

and I think that they're gonna
hire somebody else.

Call it a hunch.

You will learn to love me.

Or not.
Either way,

you're mine forever!

Where the fuck are my drugs?!

Will, you are making
my scone uncomfortable.

Those brown bits,
are they bacon?

I skipped breakfast
or I'd give it to you.

I wasn't asking. It's cool.

The orange on top though,
that's cheddar?

Cheddar. Mmm.
Cheddar. Yes,

it compliments...
All right, kiddies,

what do we got? Talk to me. All
right, free range should threaten

to drop their small providers
if they sell to the new entity.

We wrap our fingers around all their

scrawny little necks.

And just squeeze.

Yeah. Um... anything?

We identify where colossal
intends to convert stores

and build new free ranges

in those areas. Wow.

Wait. Question:

How much longer
do you think it would take

to find a new location,

purchase it, build a store,

as opposed to just, you know,

an existing supermarket?

A lot longer.

A fuck of a lot longer. Okay?
That's one point

for will. One point for Jeffrey,
not because

you added anything
of any value, really,

but just because, you know,

you legitimately scare the fuck
out of me.

And one big ol' giant, organic,
cage-free goose egg

for the cutie from Connecticut.

If you're not gonna eat that,
I will take it.

You idiot!

You fucking moron!
Hold it. What's the problem?

Colossal isn't doing
a brand conversion.

They are wrapping us
in a goddamn

bear hug!

Holy fucking... a bear hug?

Okay, kiddies,

a bear hug
is a hostile takeover bid

in which a big scary
fucking company...

makes an offer
for a smaller company...

that far exceeds
that company's value.

Now, the little guy
has a fiduciary obligation

to take care of
shareholder interests,

and with so many of these
things floating in the air...

the little guy has no choice

but to accept the deal.

At which point

the big ol' scary bear,

his tummy full,

curls up for
a nice winter's nap,

and the little guy...

What the fuck, Jeannie?


What... the... fuck?

Okay, just...
Just take it easy, Robert.

All is not lost.

Let me make a phone call...

No, how about instead
you eat my ass!

It is organic, right?

It's not the moment for that.



Oh, motherfucker!

That's a...

Hi, you've reached Jeannie...



That's weird, I have two
missed calls from Marty.

Why would he be calling me?

Oh, my God, maybe he heard
about the rainmaker.

Jeannie, he could be
offering us a lifeboat.

Or... he could be calling
for social reasons.

I mean, I have dropped a few
subtle hints over the years

that a get-together

outside of work
could be intriguing.

Do you think it's possible

he's finally responding?
I don't know, Doug.

Why don't you ask him yourself?

Whatever the question is,

the answer is "yes."

Doug... God, you look
good. It's good to see you.

That was...
Doug, um...

Marty and I
need a minute, okay?

Why don't you go
buy yourself a soda?

Uh... I'm not
an eight-year-old,


We'll talk later.

Come on.

You should hold up a sign
with my name on it.

I almost walked right past you.

How was Phoenix?

Cold. I mean, I understand it's January,

but still, you figure it's
Phoenix... cut the shit, Jeannie.

Hostile takeover?

That's how we're doing it now?

You fucking kidding me?

When I said the words
"bear hug" to Ted Lasky,

it gave him a huge
business boner.

He hates your guy.

Yeah, well, he's not
my guy anymore.

I figured as much.

Ted Lasky, on the other hand...

He thinks I am a fucking God,

and not one of
the minor gods, either.

A serious deity.

Athena was a big one, right?

You know what?
Fuck you, Jeannie.

You and the rainmaker
deserve each other.


God, what's your new pod,
a bunch of sailors?

My point-- if you'll
let me finish, Marty--

is that Ted Lasky

would follow me to hell.

Or even Kaan & associates.

You know, you might've
led with that.

I like watching you squirm.

I've kept an office
open for you, so...

That's kind of pathetic.

Well, you're filling it,

so let's just say it
was forward-thinking.

Yeah. Let's not get
ahead of ourselves.

I have terms.
I know.

You were grossly underpaid
at Galweather stearn...

I'm not looking
for a giant payday.


I want what you have.

I want parity.

You want the same equity
in the firm as me?


Good, you know what parity is.

I had someone check
into your books.

Congratulations, Marty.

You are pulling in
a considerable amount

in fees.

Very impressive top line
for a baby startup.

Thank you.

But you still are
a tiny, baby startup,

and I know you're
shelling out a fortune

to give that place
the shine you need

to sell success.

Losing free range
will be devastating.

You'd have to make
significant layoffs,

or dig deep in your pockets
to keep the firm afloat,

and colossal would more
than offset that loss.

But... that's not why

you should give me
the keys to the candy shop.

You left your flank open.

I could've gutted you.

I did gut you.

Colossal and its
$30 million in fees aside,

you need someone at that firm

who will have their eyes
open when you don't.


Shark Jeannie has teeth.

Is that a yes?

Well, if she has to ask,

maybe shark Jeannie's
just little minnow Jeannie.



Come on, let's go celebrate.

There's a quiznos
in terminal...

I just want to be
clear, Marty....

that this is
a business decision.


While our interests
coincide at the moment,

I will not hesitate
to throw you under the bus

if it serves me in the future.

So no toasted subs?


Heard about colossal foods.
Big win.


You know what amuses me?

It's what I find goddamn
hysterical, actually.

You think that this
is gonna save you.

You are off colossal.

You are off dod.

You are off fuckin' everything.

I get it.

I have been...

a bad little girl,

and I just hope
that there's some way

I can win back your trust.


I'm sorry.
Were we done?




I want to apologize
for what I said.

The changes around here
just got me all out of sorts.

You don't have to...

I do. I do.

This business,

and the things we do,

and the people
that we work with...

It's almost impossible

to get out of it unscathed.

It's certainly hardened me.

I don't want to give
you a big head,

but I do see a little bit

of who I used to be in you.


I wish I could get that...

Girl back.

She's still in there, Jeannie.

Look, the department of defense

is not gonna change
the way they do business

just because we ask them to.

And knowing the rainmaker,
he's not gonna ask.


Let me see your phone.




My college roommate
is a great girl.

You would love her.

She works at
the New York times.

She's a reporter, and if you

tell her even half

of what you told me
about the dod's

flagrant disregard
for the U.S. constitution,

it... it would
be front page.

But I...

I mean...

This could take down
Galweather stearn.

They made their bed, benita.

Now, I know what
I'm asking you to do

takes a whole mess of courage,

but for girls
like us... I mean,

is there any other choice?

We are women of good character,

and if we lose sight of that...

God save our souls.

♪ I've been thrown off ♪

♪ since you twisted me
get busted ♪

♪ I've been listening ♪

♪ to people that I've trusted ♪

♪ and I don't know ♪

♪ if I could believe you ♪

♪ believe you ♪

♪ I don't know ♪


♪ Who says it ever is about ♪

♪ what came before you? ♪

♪ won't get obsessed with it
and I get to ignore you? ♪