House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 3, Episode 12 - Joshua - full transcript

Previously, on House of Lies...

Rich little
14-year-old over here

thinks he got the moves.
Biter?

Biter.

Listen. I don't care

what your grandpa said.

When I tell you
to do something, you...

You take Colossal Foods,
I take Free Range.

We share a little intel,
play both companies

against the middle,
keep them on the hook

forever.



I just landed us
a multi-year contract

with the Department of Justice.

That is huge.

And the small caveat

is that we need
to dump DollaHyde.

Oh. See, that's a big caveat.

What if I could deliver some

incriminating financial records

on Lukas Frye and Dre Collins?

Could we trade that
for the DOJ contract?

Absolutely.

Hey...

What?

I love you.



Hey.

You're here.

Yep.

It's my house.

Right.

Are you making me breakfast?

I am.

Pancakes.

Look at this.

See? You gotta whip the shit
out of these eggs whites.

Uh-oh.
What?

I just got very turned on

when you said that.

Oh.

Marty?

Yeah?

Whatever this is,
I really like it.

Me, too.

Can we keep doing it?

Yeah, we can keep doing it.

Let's keep doing it.

For a really long time.

Okay.

We're gonna do this, right?

I mean, we gotta do it.

I don't think I can,

again.

I mean, I want to...

but I don't...
honestly, I don't

think I can handle it.
Oh, come on.

You-you know
what I meant.

Okay. Yes.

You're saying yes
to a real date?

A real date.

For reals.

Tonight.

Tonight.

Jeannie, I will make

a fucking reservation, okay?
Okay.

Make it.
I'll be there.

Okay.

Okay.
I'm serious.

No, don't...

I got to, I got to.

Come on.

Dougie.
No Doug.

Sorry, Doug.
Mama says no.

Oy.

Busy.

Doug again.
No.

No.
We already had this discussion.

It's Clyde.

Doug, again.

Hey.
Hi, Doug.

Clyde, slow down, man.

Are you crying?

What?

Bullshit.

Fuck me.

No unauthorized personnel...

Yeah, these...

Do you have any idea
what this is about?

No.

I have no idea.

Hey.

Excuse me.

Do you mind telling me
what the fuck is going on?

Actually, yeah, I do.

Who the fuck are you?

Watch yourself.
I'm... Jesus.

I'm Marty Kaan.

This is my company.

And... and hers.

Could I see some ID?

Some ID.

Man of the hour.

My professional opinion,

you are deeply fucked.

This doesn't say what
it is specifically

that you're looking for.

What do you think
I'm looking for?

Seriously, Columbo?

How 'bout you just
tell me what it is

you are looking for?
Then maybe I can

help you guys find it.
Marty,

I think we just need
to call Ben Hyam.

Yeah, or you and your friends

can get the fuck
out of my office

until we can reach counsel.
How about that?

You don't have
that luxury, Mr. Kaan.

I'm just here
executing a warrant.

You can go in
the conference room

and wait with your associates.

Or not.

I didn't give you a choice.

You can do that now.

Okay.
Let's go.

What did they say?

We can't leave.
We can't leave.

What is going on, huh?
Who did this?

Was it your fucking
crazy bitch ex-wife?

Is that who did this?

Well, you know, I'm not
actually experiencing

an enemy shortage at this point,

but if I was guessing,

I'm gonna say...
It's gotta be about DollaHyde.

It's 100%...
No, no. We have no exposure on that.

They're not gonna prosecute you

for killing Lukas's dog.
We don't know that, Clyde.

Really? The FBI is gonna be here
I have blood on my hands.

'Cause you gave a little bit
of chocolate to a fucking dog.

Hey, hey, do we need to do
this right now? Please?

Okay, I'm fine.
That's not all.

I probably need to...
air something out

that may or may not
come to light in the course

- of this investigation.
- Spill it, Guggenheim.

Here goes. Okay, Marty,
you know that I-I-I tend to be

a little...
what, humorous,

devil-may-care, uh, hell,
even insouciant in my e-mails.

Okay. And, uh, so I may or may not
have referred to you

as a "Stalinesque man-child
who's threatened

by my Ivy League education."
Okay.

So humorous.

- Right, yeah.
- Yeah.

So it's a joke.
It's a joke.

Great.

And, uh, Jeannie as
a "come-guzzling backwater

gutter slut."
Jesus.

In context,
it's-it's funny.

And I like Stalin.
So let's not forget that.

The man stopped Hitler,

so big fan, right?
And there may be more.

Lots and lots and lots more, okay?
But I want you all to know

that it's all in good fun.

And I know that you're,
you know, suffering

and worried about
your business surviving,

and blah, blah, blah,
but my novel was

on my hard drive...
Oh, I'm sorry, what...

I'm sorry, it sounded like
you said your "novel."

Yeah, that's right, Marty, some
of us have literary ambition,

and, uh, well, I would thank you
not to besmirch that.

No, no, 'cause that
would be Stalinesque.

- Ho-ho-ho!
- So, Doug, we are trapped here

in this fucking conference room,
and we do need

a little diversion... and because
Please don't.

You will never,

ever have another
chance to do this,

because literally, at any
other point in our lives,

we'd rather be eating
shit-encrusted razor blades

than listen to this bullshit.
Marty...

Oh, let's...
elevator pitch.

What's your novel about?

Yeah. Okay. Okay.

You have to get on that side of the
table to pitch it? Would you please, Clyde!

Imagine, if you will,
in the sci-fi/fantasy realm...

and now please understand that

I use the genre
to mask its profound

social relevance...

a deeply erotic exploration
of interplanetary love,

a multi-galactic
Romeo and Juliet

probing, if you will...
pun intended... the semiotics

of love, sex,
the burden of genius...

- uh, in a dystoptian society. Now,
- Nope.

We open... That's a wrap.
You got a couple words in,

though... that's good for you.
Are you kidding me?

You just said that
I could do it.

You just said "dystopian."
What the fuck is that?

Marty, do you have any of those shit-
encrusted razor blades?

Because I am fuckin' starving.

Okay, well,
I got one right here.

Pop it in my mouth.

There we go.
Oh, it's shit, though.

But I want another.
Got another.

The dedication page says:

"To Doug Guggenheim,
for doing it."

Hey. I left you a message.

What the fuck, Samantha?

I mean... what the fuck?

Jeannie...
No! Goddamn it, I told you about DollaHyde,

but I never sent you
the goddamn books,

and I decided
not to move forward, and...

you f... you fucked me?

Uh, in case you were unaware,
one of the subjects

of this investigation was
murdered since we last spoke.

Yes, I am very well aware,
because I got his fucking brains

Jeannie...
all over my new shoes. Thanks.

You of all people should
understand blind ambition.

But...

I have...

a very good thing...

I had...

a good thing going,
and this is...

Look, Jeannie,
I told you when this came up

it was a rough road to take, and
you said you wanted to take it.

And just so you know,
it'll probably get a lot worse.

I'm gonna try to protect you,
but we shouldn't speak.

There is nothing
It'll compromise this investigation.

To...

Samantha?

Fuck.

Oh, yeah, I hear you, Jimmy.

No, no, no, I hear you,
and if I were you,

I would feel
exactly the same way.

But thankfully, I'm not you,

and I can see
the bigger picture.

Let me paint it for you, 'kay?
In one week,

this thing is a
blip on the radar,

and you, in that panicky way
that you are undoubtedly working

with your therapist on, realize
that you have shit-canned

the best fucking consultants
on the planet,

who will never,
ever take you back

in a million years after your

cowardly act of abandonment.
And then you are left

with that old, so familiar
feeling again, Jimmy: Oh, no,

I fuckin' blew it,

I fuckin' hate myself,

I am a piece of CEO shit

at the far reaches
of the CEO universe!

Or, alternate painting:
You stick with K&A,

and as our loyal client you soar
to the top of the pile,

K&A works harder for you
than ever before,

platforming you into bigger
and better market positions.

Pretty soon, you're making
so much fucking money that,

quite frankly, you're
a little embarrassed, Jimmy.

But your young, sexy wife
is literally doing backflips

on your Cialis-engorged cock.

And... yes, I know,
I've seen the missus...

and your children, oh,
they-they actually worship you

as their godhead.

You want to pick up
that third crib? Get it.

Oh, the yacht with the helipad?
Pick that shit up, too.

Your cojones are the size
of fucking basketballs

and you're a goddamn winner,
Jimmy.

Now you tell me,
which painting do you...?

Oh, you like the second one?
Okay, you're welcome.

Ah!

Ha!
Okay?

Doug, that's what
this is gonna look like

for the next, you know...

Marty, I can't do that.

Doug, you and Clyde
just fucking find out

who brought the hammer down,
okay, and squash this shit.

I need to know
if it's an internal thing.

Jeannie and I are gonna focus

on keeping the clients from
jumping ship.

Should we be taking Will
and his pod off the road?

No, we need to be in Act As If
Mode for the foreseeable future.

Anybody inside
the business asks,

things are great.

Just... fucking...
great.

Great.

Great. Yeah.
Great.

So, what, you don't need
consultants anymore, Blaine?

What are you gonna do,
you gonna go to Kinsley?

Are you kidding me?
That fucking toxic...

You-You gonna go
to the wreckage of Galweather?

No, you're gonna stay with me,

Marty fucking Kaan.
Are you joking?

It's a loyalty issue, Blaine.

You know, back in the day,

everything we did
was because of loyalty.

Yeah. You shit all over
Skip Galweather,

I stayed loyal
as a goddamn spaniel.

You did, you did,

and I was very
appreciative of that.

But this is fucking end of days.

In this environment,
you go with a Marty Kaan

because he's a winner...
That's right.

Not because of loyalty.

So what are you trying to fucking
tell me, Blaine?

Marty...

you're not a winner anymore.

I'm not a winner.

Are you kidding me?

Whoa! A finger?
Really?

That necessary?

Power-walking fuck.

Uh-huh, and how's the baby?

Absolutely, 11 is not at all
a baby... anymore.

Um, but you know,
she'll always be your baby.

He. He will always be
your baby.

Go ahead. So?

So, as I was saying,

Marty, you made a real point of
never confusing

this business relationship
for a friendship.

I mean, there was

a moment there where
we both thought...

New fuckin' bestie, brah.
Yeah.

No, but you wanted

to keep it straight up
bid-ness, homie.

And we respect that.

Much respect.

So in that same spirit, Marty...

Wait for it.

Wait for it.

You're fucking fired.

Dismissed.

Boo!

Are you fucking kidding me?

I'm getting fired by the guys
who brought me vagina perfume?

It's a new low.

New low.
New low.

New low.
New low.

Aw, Marty.

Marty! Do not pass go,
do not collect Dushkin dollars.

Oh, why so serious?

Marty, Marty, we're totally
fucking with you, man. Come on. Yeah.

It's us, it's us. Come on back,
come on back. No, you're still fired!

You're f... Oh!
Oh!

Oh, hey, Dad.

Uh-huh. Where you going?

Just to shoot around.
Hey, Grandpa, come on. Let's go.

I'm coming, I'm coming.
Shoot around? Who's gonna be there?

I don't know.
Whoever's ballin'.

Just whoever?
I don't know.

Maybe Ethan, Coltrane.

Maybe Lex.

Dad, what does it matter?

No, Roscoe.
Are you forgetting the tears,

the mascara all over my shirt?

Dad. Dad. You want to go through that
again? Because this is where

it's headed.
You understand that? Hey.

I-I told him
that he could go.

Look, I-I feel
it's important for him

to work this out for himself.
Oh, you feel?

Can I talk to you
over here for a second?

Pop, I tell him he can't go.

Then you tell him he can go.
Okay, don't you think

that undermines my authority
a little bit?

No, no. You're right.
You're right.

When you're right,
you're right, okay?

But I was just thinking that,
you know, Roscoe and Lex

need to go through this
for themselves.

We can't help 'em with that.
Grandpa,

can we please go now?

You have to ask your father.

Oh.

Yeah, go ahead, man.

Thanks, Dad.

Lex, come on!

What's with you, fat ass?

Go out! Go out! Go out!

Foul for touching.

Ah.

Oh. Ah!

Hey!

I need a screen!
Give me the ball,

give me the ball, give me the ball.
You're not open!

Damn it.

Who's the big dog now, huh?

Hey, Lex, overcompensate much?

Oh, shut up, Ethan.

Ooh, I'm scared.
I said

shut the fuck up!
Hey! Can we just

chill for a second?
We done playing?

I'm definitely done.

Yeah, pussy boy's done.

Relax.

Fuck you.

I think I'm gonna head home.

Wait.

Your turn.

What?
You kiss him.

The hell? No. Get off of me. Kiss him.
You want to. Do it. You've been wanting to

for months now.
Lex, what the fuck?

Just fucking do it!

What? Can't handle the truth
being shoved in your face,

faggot?
Fuck you, Lex!

Sorry, guys.

I'm just fucking with y'all.
Jesus.

I got to go.

Me, too.

Fuck.

It's like, I don't want to be

in your fucking book club,
you know,

and talk about Jonathan Franzen
until I blow my brains out,

but now I can't say that
to her, so...

now I'm in the fucking
book club.

And...

I know.

You know,
this got me through today.

It really did. Thank you.

Me, too, Marty.
I'd close my eyes and...

you know, just thinking
about these past few days

with you

and where we're headed and...

I'd just kind of drift away from
the fucking misery, you know?

It's like I didn't even care

they were carrying the computers
out the door.

I'm really happy to be here
with you.

All this bullshit
that we've been through,

I think... that somehow I knew
that we were gonna wind up...

here,

something real, you know?

It's fucking amazing, right?

It is.

I don't...

Are you all right?

Yeah.

I just keep thinking,
what if this all gets...

I don't know...
goes to hell?

With this investigation thing?

What if they really
blow it wide open?

This amazing company.

It won't. But what if it does?
And what if...

I-it takes the... this...

company and destroys it?

I really...

I r...

Fuck me.

Wow.
Okay.

Well, that was the world's
shortest relationship.

No.

I'm kidding.
No, no.

I... That's not...
Jeannie, I was kidding.

I don't feel good. My stomach...

Oh. D-Do you want to go?

Yeah, probably.

Okay.
Sorry.

It's all right. Excuse me.
Could-could you find our server?

I think we're gonna take off.

Hi. I need to, um...
L-Let me go first, okay?

Uh, at we need is an index

of all our accounts and where we
stand in terms of keeping them.

That's a good idea. Okay, and then
we just build a model that predicts

the statistical likelihood of us
keeping or losing the account.

Then we just put
in the requisite time and effort

based on the outcome. I think that's great.
I-I just need two minutes

of your uninterrupted attention.
Hey.

Hey, guys. Um...
Okay.

We have some info.

Uh, all right.
You say it.

- I... No, I'll say it.
- All right,

you tell the first part...
Will you guys fucking please?

We're in the clear on DollaHyde.

They came in looking for two
sets of books they thought we had

and they found
absolutely nothing.

Right, because we had nothing.

That's great.

But-but, um,
they-they did find

some pretty incriminating paper

on the Colossal Foods
and Free Range deals.

Fuck.

Collusion, conspiracy.

- No.
- Now the CEO of Free Range

wants to see you cooked
in a vegan casserole.

Who the fuck let the Feds in on
this thing in the first place?

I mean, how'd they even know
about the two sets of books?

We have absolutely no idea.
We've been searching. No idea.

Jeannie, what did your friend
at the DOJ say?

Um...

Um...

I told her about the books.

What do you mean you
told her about the books?

I mean I told her.

Wait, what am I missing?

Wh-What's the play? Why?

Because I wanted the DOJ gig,

and I...

offered her the DollaHyde books.

But I never...

After Lukas got killed,

she... she just fucking did it.

Can you guys give us
a minute, please?

I've never been
an honest person, Marty.

It's... I just...

Never seemed like
a viable option.

Me, either.

It's okay.

It's okay.

Please, Marty.

Jeannie, this was not easy,

but you're in the clear.
They're letting you skate.

You have the right
to remain silent...

Call Ben Hyam, all right,
tell him... tell him to meet me

downtown with a bail agreement.

All right, get back to work.

All right, nothing's changed.

Things to do.

Don't talk to the fucking press,
everybody.

Here he comes.

Hey.

Hey.

Uh, thanks, you know.
I appreciate...

Mm. Yeah. Get in.

Okay, uh, usually I sit...

She called shotgun. You want to get in
the car before they change their mind?

Get in the car. We got
to make it to the Valley.

What's in the Valley?
Get in the car.

So...

I, uh, spent a decent amount
of time with my lawyer,

and things are not looking
too good for me.

Everything points to a pretty
aggressive prosecution,

followed by a deadly bankruptcy
of Kaan and Associates

unless I'm effectively removed
from the company.

In all likelihood,

I'm gonna get worked over
pretty good in the courtroom,

but if I want the company
to survive,

I have to be out completely,

not hanging around
on the sidelines

in some advisory capacity,

but gone.

I guess I taught you
well, huh, Jeannie?

You out-Martied Marty Kaan.

Keys to the kingdom are yours.

Marty, I never meant to...

All I wanted... all I want...

Is what?

You.

Meow.