House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 3, Episode 1 - Wreckage - full transcript

Ready for this shit storm that's coming?

Previously on House of Lies:

This aggression of yours will no longer

be tolerated.

Is that straight enough for you?

- I'm leaving the company.
- Soak it all in,

'cause by this time tomorrow,
we don't work here anymore.

To Kaan and Associates.

Kaan and Associates.

That's it.

You got to think about
the little ones. Doug.



Clyde.

Oh, my God, those are the
exact names I picked out!

- Hey, hey, Jeannie, can I talk to you for a second?
- No.

- Shut the fuck up, Doug.
- Shut the fuck up, Doug.

'Cause the people you work
with don't respect you.

The fact that you don't see it
kind of makes you seem like a putz.

Why would you hit on my girlfriend?

I feel truly sorry for you.

Is this what you're like when
you start getting laid, man?

Let's get married in Vegas tomorrow.

I have decided to stay at Galweather.

I thought my thing with Marty

was just on a whole nother
level, man, I thought

as friends, but he doesn't
give a fuck about me.



Why should I?

Because I'm about to make
you mountains of cash.

Who's your spy, Mike?!
Who's your fucking spy?!

- I fucking told 'em.
- What?

So why don't you get
the fuck off my client?!

I love you.

Jesus, Jeannie.

Jesus, Jeannie...

Hey, Jeannie, I can't do
this without you, okay?

I can't do any of it without you.

So stop being a baby.

You're a fucking idiot.

Hey, man.

All right, thanks so much.

Marty. Marty Kaan!

Marty, I need five minutes.

Oh, I need 'em more.

- Hi.
- Hey.

Jeannie?

Hey.

How'd you get in here?

I have powerful connections.

No, I'm serious. What are you doing here?

I thought you wanted me here.

Of course I want you here,

but you haven't answered
any of my phone calls or...

Are you coming back or what?

I'm already here. Now.

Right in front of you.

So what are you gonna do about it?

Fuck!

Jeannie, what's going on?

This is exactly where we're supposed to be.

Just stay here. Stay with me.

Jeannie?

Are you all right?

There's some turbulence.

Who's Jeannie?

Uh, yeah, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Robert.

Robert! Okay, about to
be fired. Pod, keep up!

Trying.

Robert, buddy?

Marty, do I have two
minutes to buy some duck?

Robert?

Where the fuck is Caitlin, Will?

Caitlin, let's go!

Oh, goddamn it! Uh! I broke a heel.

Heels? That's a fucking great choice.

Well, I thought we were going to
a boardroom, not a fucking bazaar.

- Girls...
- That's a dead octopus.

Knock that off the fucking list.

Oh, hey, hey, hey, it's not just seaweed.

Heirloom seaweed.

Heirloom seaweed? Why is
it, why is it heirloom?

Oh, the nuance,

the subtleties.

And as soon as you mention "heirloom,"

you justify a 40% markup.

Say word.

What?

That is a great reason to go with heirloom.

Well, you are never gonna
find heirloom seaweed

at that white-trash Colossal
Foods, I'll tell you that.

You're goddamn right.

And it's things like that
that set Free Range apart.

That's right.

Fuck the Wonder-Bread-
and-food-stamps crowd, am I right?

Right!

Hijiki... that is the wave of the future.

The Asians love a sea vegetable.

What China eats today,

we'd better fucking learn to love tomorrow.

Say that shit two times.

Hey, you got to try
this. It is a revelation.

No, no! Huh? Come on.

Oh, motherfucker!

Shit tastes like the ass of a sick fish.

Now is the winter of our discontent

made glorious summer by an
uptick in housing starts.

Everything is beautiful, baby!

The economy is in recovery!

Jobs just falling out the sky.

Nobody wants for anything!

Another round of drinks

and a shiny new Tesla
for all my friends, right?

Wrong.

Here's what Daddy got to deal with.

Robert Tretorn, Free Range Foods,

coming up fast on the food megagiants.

Saw the whole organic food
thing jumping off in the '70s,

decided to assimilate
it into the mainstream,

make it all go down easy as a decaf organic

two-pump chocolate laxative.

Started with one little shop in Boulder,

grew the fucker to 1,200 stores.

So I travel 6,000 fucking
miles just to pitch it!

But I guess this is what owning

your own joint looks like, right?

You end up chasing every
nutbucket across the earth

hoping he might... just
might... hire your sorry ass.

If we land this whale,
we feast on the blubber

until we land the next
one; feast on that blubber,

sell the ivory till we land
the next one and the next one,

and so on, and so ad in-fucking-nitum

until we get some fat;

acquire some blubber of our own.

But until that day, you
do what you gotta do, baby.

You eat sick fish ass.

That is amazing!

Right, huh? I told you.

And I'm gonna own that market!

Oh, yes, you are.

And you're gonna teach
the world to love it.

That's right. That's right.

That is exactly what I'm gonna do.

Yeah. I mean, if...

If... if what?

- What?
- Well,

look, you want to crush that
behemoth Colossal Foods, right?

I mean, unless you're happy

in your little faux,
dead-end hippie niche market.

No judgment.

Well, what are you saying, huh?

You saying that, uh,
Free Range is plateauing?

Hey, I do show your last three
quarterlies dangerously flat.

Well, that's 'cause the economy...

Flat is death in this economy.

Flat is death in this economy, Robert.

Bobby...

Fuck it! Look, do you want
to be fucking 'roid rage huge?

I have a 20-year expansion rollout plan

that I'm very happy with.

Robert, 20 years? Are
you fucking kidding me?

The polar ice caps will
have melted in 20 years.

We'll all be dead in fucking 20 years.

We'll be drowning in our last
million barrels of crude oil.

These assholes aren't
gonna live through the week.

What are you willing to do today?

Not in 20 years, man.

How are you gonna carpe
de fucking diem today?

Today!

- To-fucking-day!
- Today.

All right! How about it, huh?

- Bing! Bong!
- Seaweed!

Oh, my God! I thought
I'd completely lost you.

Oh, that's not bad.

Anyone get, uh, tickets to Days of Hope?

"Anyone, duh, get tickets to Days of Hope?"

What do you think?

Of course not. It's been sold out forever.

I know everybody talks
about it all the time,

and I know everybody really wants to
go, but what is the actual charity?

What exactly are they raising money for?

- I have no idea.
- I don't know.

- Who cares?
- Not me.

Word on the street is that the
CEO of Coke is firing DeMark,

and everyone wants to go
suck up and get the gig.

"Word on the street"?

Which one, Sesame Street?

Sesame Street...

Mmm, I normally hate those
fucking things, but I did scam

the one Galweather ticket.

Really?

Uh... hey, could I be your plus-one?

I don't get a plus-one.

Oh... But let me be clear:

if I did get a plus-one,
it would not be you.

You're funny.

She's funny.

Hey,

do you think Marty's gonna be there?

- It's very possible, Doug.
- Okay, okay.

Well, not saying anything...

It just seems a bit cynical, that's all.

Vying to get invited to a charity event

without knowing or caring
who the money is going to...

Well, hey, Benita, what
would you say if I told you

I might be able to get you a ticket?

- Oh, really?
- No.

You see, that's my point.

If you had a ticket, you'd
show up at a Hitler charity.

- That's mean, Doug.
- Well...

And you know I'm anti-Hitler.

I can't stand it. I just

- can't stand it.
- What is it now, Doug?

What do you think?

- I have... honestly, I...
- That.

Her.

Jack Skellington.

Benita.

She is driving me crazy.

She's hideous.

What do you want me to say, Doug?

I mean, she's a great analyst.

I'm... sorry that she doesn't
fit your arousal template.

You know, I used to look
over and... and be...

I don't know, inspired by your

generic Midwestern hotness.

It's true, but now...

Oh, God, now I look over at your old desk

and I see that...

that Sasquatch.

And...

I feel sick, physically sick.

I can't work, my regression
models are going to hell.

Judge not lest ye be judged, Doug.

Christ. Seriously, JC?

If you quote one more
piece of Bible porn at me,

- I...
- Doug, drop it.

JC, stop staring at my ass.

I wasn't.

I'm not.

Yeah, yeah, right, okay.

Or did you forget, Jeannie,
that, uh, JC doesn't like girls.

What? I like girls.

Oh, yeah, you just don't
like to have sex with them.

By choice.

My girlfriend and I are
waiting until marriage.

We... made a chastity vow.

How convenient.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

You... you don't have any...
genital contact whatsoever?

Not even when you're alone?

- You don't, you know...
- Whoops.

Well, you have to answer now.

She's your boss.

And remember...

he's listening.

Sometimes. I...

Your call is starting.

Thank God.

I mean... "your call is starting"?

I'm sorry, Jeannie,

I am, I'm sorry,

I just miss the old gang, that's all.

- Doug, please.
- I can't help it.

I mean, do you ever think

Marty talks about me to his new pod?

- Nope.
- "Nope."

See, that's what I'm talking about.

That back and forth, the good old days.

Do you remember how fun it was?

Clyde and me goofing around.

Marty always telling me to,
you know, "Shut the fuck up."

- Shut the fuck up, Doug.
- Exactly.

And you and Marty?

God, remember that?

How confused and tortured

and out of control that whole thing was?

Probably not so fun for you, but, uh...

Yeah, for me...

Yeah, we're both busy, so...

Hey.

Seems like a long way to go

for a mid-sized grocery chain.

Maybe that's what working for a startup is:

running halfway across the world

for a new account.

I really can't tell if our
company's a huge success

or about to go under.

I thought working for Marty Kaan

would be way more glamorous.

Because I really,

really, really need to find someone

who's willing to date me.

Okay, well, for a start,

that kind of desperation's a huge turn-on.

Have your sport.

But Marty and his pod have always been

legend when it comes to ladykilling.

Somehow, when you say that,

it actually sounds like
you are killing ladies.

Yep. Well...

I guess, when I came over from Kinsley,

I thought he'd have some bigger moves, too.

I mean, Monica talks about him

like he's fuckin' Voldemort.

I can hear every fucking
word you're saying.

Hey, Dad.

Hey, buddy.

Can you make me a macchiato?

Can I make you a what?

A macchiato.

Yeah.

Boop!

You are a macchiato.

But for real, I need energy.

I have basketball tryouts today.

You're trying out for the basketball team?

Splash.

Not bad.

Let's see how you do with
a little defense on you.

Uh... you want... you want it?

Come on. Roscoe Kaan, three seconds left.

Three... two...

fouled and won!

Okay, now,

do you guys ever play
with a real basketball?

When you, you know, do this?

You know, maybe we should
get a real basketball,

and I'll show you my suh-erious skills.

And I'll take you down, old man.

Oh, you didn't just say "old man."

- Old man.
- I think what you meant is "master... "

... and you want a clinic.

- The clinic?
- That's what I'm hearing.

- Let's go.
- Okay, posting up his dad.

Let's see it. Uh! Fake!

- Dunked on you!
- Swatted.

What?!

- Whoops.
- It's in the second row, son.

- Who do you think you are?
- What the hell is going on out here?

Young Roscoe is trying out

for the basketball team today.

Basketball basketball?

Well, all right!

All right. I'm in the game.

- All right. I got you.
- Yeah!

So how was China?

Uh, you know, brief, Chinese...

Hey, Dad, did you see the Peking Opera?

That makeup is fly.

Nah, I was just there 24 hours,

I didn't really have time to...

take in a show or anything.

24 hours for a job

you don't even have yet.

- You got to be careful what you ask for, huh?
- Yeah.

Big man's off the bench.

I'm not complaining.

- I know you miss your old pod.
- Nope.

The new pod is just fine.

- Come on. Here we go.
- Pass it here! Got it.

I got a mean skyhook!

- Skyhook?
- Ooh, yeah!

- He has a sky...
- Dad, Dad, what is this, 1974?

We don't have big huge Afros

and play with red, white and blue balls.

In short shorts.

- Oh... what?
- Lookit here,

double-teaming the old man.

Short shorts...

Give it here. Here, here, here, here we go.

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha, let's go.

I know it's gotta be weird

traveling without Jeannie

at your side, huh? Or Clyde?

Or Doug? Here.

You know, Dad,

I would want Jeannie definitely by my side.

Well, Jeannie's not by my side,

and she's not going to be by my side.

- Okay?
- It's fine. I miss her, too.

- I didn't say that I missed...
- Here.

Boink!

- Here we go.
- This is stupid.

Come on.

- I got you, Dad.
- Excuse me.

Come on, Dad.

That's all right.

Ah, cookies!

Oh, stole the ball!

Got it, got it...

Three...

two...

one...

So...

I was thinking,

we have had this Montana
account for... two weeks,

and if I'm not mistaken,

not one of you mouth-breathers have
volunteered to quarterback it yet.

Pussy much?

You know what?

I was born to QB. Put me in, Coach.

I thought you were a kicker.

Hope you're getting that
these are sports metaphors.

We're not talking about
actual football, dude.

Oh, okay, good.

Because I'm pretty sure you'd get crushed.

Huge football fan.

Really?

Me, too.

Really?

Please shut up.

I was just...

Christy, stop hanging out
outside the boys' club.

Do you remember what we talked about?

Ah, I'm so sorry, Monica.

Pussy power.

- Yeah!
- I'm sorry, did you just say "pussy power"?

- What is that?
- Yeah.

I think she just said "pussy power."

Ugh. Kicker, get it done.

It's so confusing.

It's like sometimes she's my mentor,

and other times I feel like

she's torturing me.

That is the result

of a steady diet of Dalmatian puppies.

Thanks, Clyde.

Listen, I'm just a guy

trying to let a girl know

that it's gonna be okay.

Okay. Well...

I got to get something working,

but thank you. Truly.

- It's just the person...
- Christy!

- I try to be.
- Yeah! Coming!

Does that shit really work for you, man?

What do you think?

I want to say...

no.

All right, here's your marching orders.

Caitlin, I want this deal
with Free Range to make,

so I need you to push on legal.

- Got it.
- Jeffrey, listen.

Start, you know, roughing
in that journeyline, okay?

Make it look like we're
saving them from bankruptcy.

We will save them, sir.

Young William.

Now, when you were at Kinsley,

how did Monica service
the Colossal Foods account?

I don't really know.

I mean, she was always pretty
secretive about her accounts.

Yeah,

but you must've seen her do that old trick

of recycling PowerPoints
and just, you know,

changing the names.

I... um...

I feel like if I tell you,

she'll hunt me down and kill me.

Okay. I don't want... that.

Or I could just kill you right now.

You could... here... or
that. You... you could...

So...

did she do that with Colossal Foods?

Uh... she might've.

- Will...
- Yes. She did.

Anybody ever find out?

Never.

Never.

- This is awesome.
- Nice digs, right?

It's... it's really nice.

- Get out.
- Okay.

Monica.

Don't move.

I'm gonna freeze this
moment. This feels right.

Okay, this here is perfect.

So good to see you, buddy.

I missed this. I really did.

- Good to see you, yeah, man.
- Clyde, so good to see you.

- Yeah.
- God, I missed you. I did.

Do you know what I miss, though?
The cheap espresso over here.

- Come on, don't do that.
- It is so expensive where I am.

Clyde, you can say it, you
can say you miss me, too.

It's all right. Men can say that.

- Men in suspenders can do that.
- Men, period.

All right? Men are also loving
and feeling human beings.

All right?

The ladies do not have
that market cornered.

Speaking of women... Jeannie, Jeannie!

Be-doop-ba-dee!

Look who stopped by.

Hi, Clyde.

Jeannie...

Van Der Hooven!

- Stop it.
- I will.

This is great.

This is so great... the three of us,

the old gang back together.

I mean, everyone except for, uh,

He Who Shall Not Be Named.

Doug. It's good to see you, Clyde.

Yeah.

- So, how is it over here?
- It's great!

- You guys getting business?
- Yeah, tons.

- You're getting work?
- Tons, tons, tons, too much.

I'm fucking slaying it at Kinsley.

- Oh, yeah?
- It's insane.

It's good to finally be
at the number one firm.

'Cause when you walk in
the building, you're like,

- Yeah, that must carry you.
- "Oh, this is what number one feels like."

Yeah, don't have to
work as hard? I get that.

No, but that's it,
though, I don't even feel

like I'm getting challenged that much.

- Yeah, it sounds terrible.
- No, if there were some

intriguing possibilities elsewhere

at any place, honestly even...
I know it sounds stupid,

but even here.

Here? Oh, God, don't bother.

This place sucks without Marty.

And you... you, you and Marty.

Is that... ?

Yeah, that's what I was...

She was at the...

Uh, you're, uh, you're kind
of in my, uh, my desk, bro.

Bro?

It was kind of his desk
before it was your desk.

Right, but, see, now it's, uh,

now it's my desk.

So, is this Clyde, whom
we've heard so much about?

That's whom I am.

- Nice to meet you, Clyde.
- Nice to meet you, too.

And you've got to be Benita,
whom Doug talks about constantly.

- So sweet.
- No, not really.

Can I get my desk back?

I don't even care, maybe
you guys can help me

understand better how this
big a fuck-up happened!

I don't, I don't know
because I'm... I'm back there

doing what I'm supposed to be doing!

What the fuck are you guys doing?!

Don't just stare back at me like roadkill.

Let's get in the solution.

Right? Now!

Hi!

I'm so glad you were able

to make it back to work.

You look rested.

Thank you so much.

So, let me catch you up to
speed since you've been gone

for the past three hours?

I was gone for, like, two...

Seems that Colossal Foods,

those old douche bags,

have called me into a meeting in Phoenix.

"That's weird," I say to myself.

So I do a little back-channel digging.

Turns out that there is a
nasty rumor floating around

that I have given them bogus numbers.

That I've repurposed PowerPoints.

But you... you brag about doing that.

That's not the point.

- That's not the... ?
- The point is,

we could be counseled out.

And by the way, everybody does it.

Well, you're the first
one I've ever heard of.

Aw, Everett, you big idiot.

I think...

I think you told them.

I definitely didn't tell them.

Why would I tell them?

I didn't even know.

Stop making your stupidity
sound like a virtue, sweetie.

Monica...

If you could just use the tits and ass

that God gave you

and blow the occasional CEO,

maybe, just maybe, we wouldn't be

in the fuckhole that we are in right now!

I want ten

of the best ideas

to save this account by tonight.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

I have to go to the Days of Fucking Hope

to save sick kids.

Or animals.

Or genocide.

That happened.

Hey, you all right?

Don't touch me!

Oh, my God, are you... ?

Don't touch me, Clyde,

or I will call HR right now

and I will bury you.

Okay, okay.

Did she say something to
you? Is that what this is?

'Cause she does it all the time.

She tries to pit us against each other.

It's like a sport to her.

She likes to see us
fucking fight and go nuts.

That's exactly what she said you'd say.

Oh, it's exactly what Monica said?

Yeah, "Monica said," Clyde.

We talk, we share things.

She thinks that I am a... a rising star.

She just asked you to blow a CEO.

I'm not gonna have this
conversation with a rapist.

Uh... who's a rapist?

You are.

Or "alleged."

Rape accusations are like quicksand.

The more you fight, the worse they get you.

Everett, shut the fuck
up! I'm not a rapist.

You know, you know that I'm not a rapist.

Just 'cause you were acquitted
doesn't make you innocent.

- Oh, okay, so I was acquitted?
- Were you?

No! How can you be acquitted
when you've never done... ?

- Don't pick up the phone!
- All right, I'm calling...

- Christy, look at me!
- Don't... don't touch me!

Oh, my God.

Is there some way that you can help
me understand the fucking stupidity

of the human race? Maybe
there's an app for that?!

- Is there some kind of a pie chart we can refer to...
- Christy, put down the phone.

That can explain to me
the way you fucking think?!

Put the... Oh, my God!

Is that possible?!

Is there something that I could look at

where it could make some
fucking sense to me?!

Oh, my, you're moonlighting
as a limo driver.

You look nice.

I look nice.

But I'm not nice.

Me neither.

Now, I figured you'd be going
to this Days of Hope dinner.

I thought maybe you'd like a ride?

What do you want, Marty?

We miss you at the new shop.

And there's still a place there for you.

I mean, I don't know

- if any of that matters...
- That's right.

- I... I... I brought you a peace offering, Jeannie.
- Marty?

I would love to stay and listen.

But I want to get to the CEO of Coke

before anyone else does.

See, I have a plan.

Most people have a few drinks

and they wait till they
have enough liquid courage

to make a move, typically after dinner.

But I, being smart and calculating,

got a little shitfaced
all alone in my kitchen.

Wow.

I think you were going for clever,
but that came off as really sad.

Whatever, Marty. I'll see you around.

Oh, God, I thought I
taught you better than that.

Jea... you are running around
on the same shitty information

as all those other dipshits out there.

The CEO of Coke threatens

to fire DeMark every three years.

But he's never gonna do it.

Because the account manager
is his brother-in-law.

But, by all means,

go ahead.

I hear they serve an
amazing rubber chicken.

And drunk driving, Jeannie?

That's super smart.

You know your shit, Marty.

What do you got? What?

Colossal Foods.

Go on.

They're wide open.

Yours.

I'll give you everything
you need to close them.

That's a big account.

Why are you not taking them?

Daddy just closed Free Range.

That's a conflict of interest.

And why are you giving them to me?

How drunk are you?

You take Colossal Foods, I take Free Range.

We share a little intel.

Play both companies

against the middle, keep them on the hook.

Forever.

That is...

so illegal.

No.

Not the way we're gonna do it.

This doesn't change
anything, though, Marty.

- That's... it's... I'm not getting...
- Right.

That's completely over, Marty.

This, us, we're not...

- Okay, listen, listen. Okay?
- I'm not getting...

I will give you a ride to Days of Hope.

If you are not fully on board
by the time we get there,

I'll just, you know, kill you

and throw your dead carcass in the trunk.

That's very sweet.