House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 10 - Exit Strategy - full transcript
Marty covertly makes strides with his future in mind. However, his most trusted colleague, Jeannie, questions her own future when presented with a great career opportunity. Doug must ...
MARTY:
Previously on House of Lies...
So, you and Doug met
on a dating Web site?
They're a great way to
weed out douche bags.
I feel like, um... we're really
dancing around each other.
Let it remain really awkward.
What do you want, man?
Why are you here?
Dad was in a pretty bad
car accident two weeks ago.
You told Kevin
we're sleeping together?
What are we doing?
I'm out.
I'm gonna start
my own shop.
We are promoting our very own
Jeannie Van Der Hooven.
Management... that doesn't
even mean anything. What?
Leave right now. Spend the
rest of the afternoon with me.
Did the Dildo King
find his Dildo Queen?
I mean, I-I like him.
Cool.
MALCOLM:
Marty, Marty, they're demolishing public housing
to make room
for a goddamn Wal-Mart,
with their outsourced,
sweatshop-made,
faux-Christian bullshit,
selling it to the people
and the public like it's...
economic growth.
Hypocrites.
Right. And meanwhile,
the people who are most in need
of the jobs this creates
get shipped 20,
30 miles away.
Marty, even you can see
how fucked-up this shit is, man.
Hey, Malcolm, man.
All right, all right,
my bad, Lil' Man.
My passion gets the better
of me sometimes.
It's cool. Call it
as you see it.
Do you know what else
would be cool?
If we could
play some cards.
You know, Squirrel,
I got to say
that I'm a little stumped,
you know,
at the fact that you're taking
the city's side.
Especially after
all the shit
they did to you.
I'm not taking
the city's side, okay?
Well, you know what? Not taking
a side is taking a side.
You are a bottomless pit
of lame clichés.
What, you fist-bumping him
on that?
You know what?
Twenty-five.
(groans)
I fold.
Yeah, man, who's
shuffling these cards?
(laughs)
All right, youngster,
looks like it's just
me and you. Heads up.
Let's go. Pay to play, baby.
Why can't we bet
with real money?
Because somebody at the table
doesn't have any... real money.
Har har har.
Should I call?
Well, look, you got
to work it through.
Now, your uncle
just raised,
so maybe he has a good
hand, maybe he doesn't.
What's important
is he's got a big-ass stack,
and he's leveraging
it against your stack
and he's also in position,
and that's what you want to be
in any good negotiation.
Remember that.
MALCOLM:
It's how the rich get richer.
Always at the expense
of the little guy.
Right, Marty?
Remember that, too.
So should I call or not?
It's up to you.
Totally up to you.
(chuckles)
Twenty-five.
MARTY: Oh!
He said he ain't scared.
Ooh.
He ain't gonna get bullied.
Okay.
I like that.
I like that, Lil' Man.
Okay, all right.
All right.
Game on.
What about you, Big Squirrel?
You interested
in contributing
some of your big stack
to the cause?
Oh, you want some pretzels?
You can have all the pretzels.
No, no, I'm talking
about the real money.
Oh, oh, the real money.
No, no, no, no, no. Yes.
Ah... I'm in.
Like I thought.
Pop.
No, Dad,
there's no way
Yeah, I'm in.
I'm taking money
from you.
(confused, startled grunt)
(laughs)
(clears throat)
I'm going all in.
(scoffs)
I'm not gonna let Uncle Malcolm out-leverage...
Wait, wait, wait, wait...
Uh, you should fold.
Because your uncle is the
king of the slow play.
It's what he does-- he draws
you all the way down the river,
and then he
sucks you dry.
Look at that.
(Jeremiah whistles)
That's a full house.
That's dirty.
Pay up, baby.
Just take your pretzels.
CLYDE:
So, I get these tickets, right?
Fucking floor seats.
Amazing tickets.
The kind of tickets you
would kill your mom for.
I think that says more about
my relationship with my mother
than the quality
of the tickets,
but go ahead.
So I call Marty to offer him up
the other ticket,
but he never gets back to me.
He doesn't call me back,
he doesn't text me.
I have no idea what
the fuck is... What?
I always thought
that smug arrogance
was your most off-putting
quality.
I had no idea
it was tween girl insecurity.
Fuck off.
There's the Clyde I'm comfortable with.
I don't come across
as insecure, do I?
DOUG:
Yeah, hey,
Marty, it's me. Again.
Uh, Doug.
Uh, I need to talk to
you about something.
Kind of important,
actually,
so can you call me
back when you, uh...
when you get a second?
Please, I'm begging you.
Uh, it's Doug Guggenheim.
All right, bye.
(sighs)
God.
Hey, has Marty seemed a little
distracted to you guys lately?
Even fucking Doug agrees
with me. Yeah.
Even Doug agrees with you.
God, I know. It's weird.
I've called him, like,
five times today, and he always
calls me back. Always.
You know? Even if
it's just to say,
"Yo, Doug,
quit blowin' up my phone." JEANNIE: What?
Don't.
I'm sorry. Please don't
tell him I did that. CLYDE: No.
Do you have any idea
how racist that is?
We're gonna have to tell him.
We have no choice.
No. No, I'm not
an impressions guy.
I'm just worried
if he's okay.
Should we be
calling hospitals?
I didn't want
to have to do this,
but you leave me no choice.
Hey, I'm heading into a thing.
What's up?
Sorry. I butt-dialed you.
Oh.
No, don't hang up.
Oh, shit.
Hang on.
All right.
We got him. We got him now.
(line ringing)
He is alive.
We know that.
(stammers, sighs)
Voice mail again.
Are you kidding me?
(sighs)
Damn.
It is fucking
hot in here.
So, what do you think?
Well...
what I think is,
you're asking me to leave one
of the top firms in the country
to follow you to some
rinky-dink start-up.
That's what I think.
Eric, come on.
We've been in this game a
long time. You could see this.
Galweather Stearn's
a sinking ship. And what?
You're the lifeboat?
I'm the fucking Coast Guard.
(chuckles)
I'm just
messing with you, Marty.
Why would you do that?
Come on, man.
Hey, look, you're my guy,
so of course I'm in.
Great. Now,
look, no one...
No one can know.
What?
You think this is
my first exodus
or something, man?
Nah, you're a champ.
Hey. Come here.
Oh, let's just shake on it.
Nah,
come here, you.
(chuckles)
Marty Kaan and Associates.
Yeah. Goddamn,
that's exciting, man.
(chuckles) Ooh. Yeah.
You, um, wanted to...
JULIANNE: Has Marty
finished his Projections
of Practice Growth and Sources
Quarterly Report yet?
...see me?
(chuckles)
It was due yesterday.
Those deadlines have always
been, um, more like suggestions.
Well, now they're a deadline.
Understood. I will let him know.
Great.
So, um...
...where is Marty, anyway?
He is meeting
with a prospective client. Oh.
Well... that's
very exciting.
Mm-hmm.
Huh.
You know, Jeannie,
I have, um, been
giving an awful lot
of thought to the future
of this company.
To the, um, kind of people
that I would like to see
leading us. People like you.
Are you about to give me another
promotion that changes nothing?
Fair enough.
(laughs)
Yeah.
Actually,
I was thinking that it was time
for you to run your own pod.
Official offer
is going to be
on your desk by end of day.
So what do you
say, Jeannie?
Are you ready to step up?
(elevator dings)
Hey! Marty. Hey.
Hey.
It's "phoh."
Do you like "phoh"?
I love "phoh."
"Phoh" is my bro.
(chuckles)
"Phoh" sho.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Actually think it's
pronounced "phah." Is it?
Yeah.
Oh. Well.
Then, um, pho...ck me.
(chuckles)
So, you don't remember me,
is what I'm... I do not.
(laughing):
Okay.
I mean, did we, uh...
I'm Doug's girlfriend.
Oh.
I'm Doug's girlfriend.
We met at the retreat.
The retreat.
That's right.
Right.
Made Doug come
like a foghorn. Well...
that's private.
(chuckles) (elevator dings)
See you.
Yep, real pleasure.
How'd it go
with Steam Bath Willie?
He showed me his business,
we made a deal.
Wow. Hope those two
weren't mutually exclusive.
Does that give, uh, us
enough money to make the move?
No. I mean, not if we...
not if we want to do it right.
You got to make
a list, okay? Your people.
People that we can poach,
but, you know,
people that can also keep
their mouths shut. Okay.
Um, yeah, I'll start
to reach out.
No, no. Don't-don't reach out.
No, just-just make a list.
Okay.
Uh, Julianne is looking
for your PPGS's. Oh, fuck.
I-I don't have time to deal
with that bullshit paperwork.
Jeannie, please,
can you just do it for me?
Okay.
Thank you.
Something else?
Yes, actually.
Julianne has offered
me my own pod.
I thought you
were coming with me.
I am.
So, what, then?
What does... what does...
what does it matter?
I don't know. It's just a
nice vote of confidence.
I'm just... it's...
it's nice to feel
that your hard work
is appreciated.
I'm just sharing.
Uh-huh. You hedging?
Jea... look, Jeannie, if you...
if... if you think
that you're better off...
I'm not hedging.
...staying here, then...
Okay.
(ringtone plays)
I swear to God,
if this fucking asshole Doug
calls me one more time,
Jeannie...
Oh, I got to answer
for Doug now?
He and Clyde have been asking
a lot of questions, Marty.
You have to...
Just make the...
Just make the list,
please,
and take care
of whatever bullshit it is
that Julianne needs.
I got to go look
at some office spaces, okay?
Okay.
Um, I-I'll run by
and talk to the
idiot before I go.
Oh, shit.
Hey, there you are.
Hey, Marty, uh, guess who.
(laughing):
Yeah, it's me again.
So I don't know
where you are,
but, uh, call me when...
He's here.
He is here.
Who? Marty is here?
Mm-hmm, yes.
Oh, I guess you're here.
That's great.
Okay, well, you know what?
I'm gonna swing by.
I got to talk to you
about something.
I'll see you soon. Bye.
Doug.
Yeah.
What is
the big emergency?
Oh, uh, a friend of mine
from HBS put me in touch
with the CEO of TRACER,
this heat-seeking software
company in the Bay Area.
Okay.
He's looking for a possible expansion consult.
He wants
to sit down with me,
so I got to get
the big guy up to speed.
Okay, hold on, he wants
to sit down with you.
Yeah.
So why do you need Marty?
Well, it's a potentially
huge client for us,
and, uh, you know,
Marty's a closer.
You know, it's
a no-brainer.
Well, Doug, when are you going
to stop letting other people
take the credit for all
of your hard work?
What? Is that what you think?
Pretty simple question.
Yeah-- no, but
it's not like that.
No, we're a team, you know.
Okay, mm-hmm.
We work together. It's easy.
Okay, so if Marty signs this guy,
is it a win for the team or
is it really a win for Marty?
These are your contacts,
you did all the prep work,
so go out there
and take what's yours.
Doug, why don't you quit
blowing up my phone?
What is it?
Um...
Uh... nothing.
No, I...
Nothing? Really?
It was something...
but never mind.
I Googled it,
and I was able to... I'm out.
MONICA: You look amazing.
TAMARA: Thank you.
MONICA:
You know the last time that we saw each other?
Uh, oh, my God, it was
the night after graduation
when we did all that Ecstacy.
Remember that?
Fucking seriously?
TAMARA:
Not really.
Oh, yeah, it's probably
for the best.
(all laugh)
Probably.
God, Monica, I love
when you hang out over here.
I'm sorry.
Who are you?
Are you fucking s...?
I'm Clyde Oberholt.
Top 25 under 30, huh?
Hey, Monica.
Hi. How are you?
What are you doing here?
I don't know.
I was in the neighborhood,
and I-I realized
I hadn't welcomed Tamara
back to the workforce.
Oh.
Welcome.
Thank you.
Oh, really?
That's surprising
because, back
in "B" school,
I'm pretty sure you
guys hated each other.
We did not.
We were just competitive.
Oh, and you were the
girl that just partied
all night, slept
through microeconomics
and still aced
those exams.
I kind of fucking hated you.
(both laugh)
Guilty.
Well, I'm still
taking you to lunch. Okay.
Oh, what's this?
That's weird.
Oh, okay, why don't
we check it out?
2012 Top 25 under 30.
And who's that gentleman?
I don't know, olive complexion,
really Jewish.
Clyde Oberholt.
Number 25.
That's a good job.
It's way down the list.
It's not
in a specific order.
So, shall we?
Uh, yeah. Why don't we?
TAMARA:
Oh, you're gonna join us.
Okay.
Are you sure you have time?
Got nothing but time.
And who loves
a trip down memory lane
more than Marty Kaan?
Literally everyone.
Oh, and what do we have here?
"Clyde Oberholt is a force
to be reckoned with
in business and in life."
Hot.
Am I coming with
you guys to lunch? You're not.
I'll make a sandwich.
MONICA:
Mmm.
MARTY:
Monica, what... what are we doing here?
I mean, what...
what-what-what's going on?
What? What do you mean?
Come on, this bullshit,
th-th-the casual lunch,
the waxing nostalgic
about the good old days.
Come on.
You're right-- I do.
I have an ulterior motive for
inviting Tamara to lunch today.
Of course you do.
I was on Facebook
the other night.
Sometimes I like to go on there,
see how fat people are getting.
(chuckles)
One guy that's looking just
fine, though, is your husband,
but I was really
sad when I saw that
his relationship status
changed to "it's complicated."
Are you stalking Kevin
on Facebook?
Uh-uh. I'm worried
about you.
Oh, don't worry
about me, Monica.
Your ex-husband's
been doing a...
great job helping me through
this very difficult time.
Hmm, aw, that's super sweet.
Hey, Monica,
the jealousy thing...
(scoffs)
Since when have I ever been jealous
of one of your fuck buddies?
MARTY:
When, uh,
you realized it might be
something more?
Please, I mean,
I think we both know
you're incapable
of making that happen.
(Tamara groans)
You know what? Speaking of which,
how is your little foray
into the...
(trills)
...going?
Wow.
Yeah, n-n-n-no,
look, Monica
is a lesbian now.
Seriously?
(chuckles)
I think that's...
I don't want... it's done.
It's done?
Yeah, done,
I'm done with that. Fuck, Jesus, that was quick.
I guess that explains
your headfirst dive
off the vegan wagon.
Well, if I learned
anything from
this experience...
And I'm sure you have not.
...it is that there
is no substitute
for a good piece of meat.
Ch-ch-boom!
Mmm.
And she's back.
Let's do a toast.
To Marty and Tamara.
May both of you come out
of this thing unscathed.
There's a first time
for everything.
(exhales)
You got this, buddy.
You got this.
Come on.
Make it rain.
Just make it rain.
Rainmake.
Just come on, fucking do it.
(exhales)
Okay, let's make it rain.
No.
It's a "B."
What?
There's a "B" on the sign.
A fucking
"B," Sarah. Okay.
Hey, calm down.
You can do this.
I can't do it. I'm not meant
for the spotlight, Sarah.
This is not me, all right?
You're not dating Prince.
You're dating one of
the faceless members
of the Revolution.
God, I'm calling Marty.
No, no, you are
not calling Marty.
You're gonna go in there, and
you're gonna do this yourself.
No.
Get in the car.
No, I have to call...
Get in the fucking car, Doug.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, okay.
And this brings us back
to the lobby.
What'd you think?
It's nice. I mean, it's
a really nice place, yeah.
Well, if you're
interested,
I'd suggest putting in
an offer today.
Today?
(scoffs)
Wow, you're just gonna
shove it right in, huh?
No foreplay?
Not at this orgy.
I've got three competing
bids in already.
Ah.
Huge players.
Should I include yours?
SARAH:
You have an IQ of 144.
Yeah.
You are a proud graduate of
one of the most prestigious
business schools
in the country. Yes.
Okay?
Mm-hmm.
Your regression models
are the stuff of legend.
(grunting)
You are the wielder...
Okay.
...of powerful
financial instruments.
Okay, that's right.
Okay, it's gonna happen, yeah, it's gonna happen.
Don't get any
on my suit.
I would never get any
on your beautiful head.
(moaning deeply)
♪ She never mentioned
that she's still holdin' on ♪
♪ But my intuition made me feel
she's the only one... ♪
Oh. Of course.
♪ And goes off to the sky
♪ Off to the sky ♪
♪ Off to the sky.
MALCOLM:
You got to just keep the movement going.
ROSCOE: Mm-hmm.
You know what I mean?
It's really important
to just, you know,
always stay the course,
stay focused with this, man.
Mm-hmm.
You got it, man.
Hey, what's up?
Hey.
Hey, Dad, check this out.
Uncle Malcolm--
he took me
to his rally today.
(protesters chanting
indistinctly)
What they're doing
to those people
in public housing
is fucked-up.
Roscoe, I'm not going to tell
you again about your language.
It... it is.
Knock it off.
Can't you donate
something to the cause?
Grandpa did, and he has
a lot less money than you.
Really?
Can I talk to your uncle
alone for a second, please?
Okay.
You know, Dad, you're either
a part of the solution...
Or I'm a part of the problem,
I know. ...you're
(door closes)
What?
What?
He wanted to
come down.
What was I supposed
to tell him?
You... you're supposed
to tell him no, Malcolm,
because you're the adult
and he's a kid.
I told you I don't want him
involved in this shit.
You can't keep
his eyes closed forever.
And what happened
to not taking Pops' money?
Roscoe showed him the video,
and he insisted.
I wasn't gonna embarrass
him in front of your son.
(laughs)
What are you doing?
What's the number?
What?
Just tell me the number,
okay, Malcolm?
Oh, wow.
You know, don't go pretending
like you don't lean on Dad.
He's practically
raising Roscoe by himself.
$5,000?
Know what?
Fuck you, Marty.
Okay. Uh... okay.
I'm sorry.
That was an insult of an offer.
$10,000.
How about,
I don't want your money?
Right, 'cause you're a...
a not-for-profit entity.
Is that it?
So, this is where
you leverage me out, huh?
Just open up
your checkbook... Malcolm...
and write it,
it's just that simple.
Malcolm, just...
look at me, man.
Okay, our whole thing
is supposed to be about
how different we are, right?
We're... we're the same.
That is bullshit,
and you know it.
Okay, it's not.
Look, we're just...
we're just working
different sides of the cash cow.
I know you,
because you're me.
We're both just trying
to do our thing, right?
So I'm gonna
write this check.
Maybe it's here tomorrow,
maybe it's not.
Maybe you're here tomorrow.
(rips check out of checkbook)
But either way, bro,
it's-it's... it's okay.
Really.
(door closes)
(sighs)
CLYDE:
So I told him, "Make it about the kids."
Sweet guy, Matt Damon.
He's my friend.
You know, we should all
hang out before...
Jeannie Beannie,
what are you doing here?
Finishing up a project.
Who is your friend?
Oh, my God,
I can't believe you noticed her.
I'm so embarrassed.
This is Samantha.
She's a business
major over at UCLA,
and her biggest turn-on
is corporate America.
Can you believe it?
(both laugh)
So, which office is yours?
That huge one. You see
that huge one over there?
Mm-hmm.
Go up there. Do whatever you want.
(Samantha giggles)
Unless you want to hear
what it sounds like
when I have sex
with a half-Asian girl,
I suggest you
get out of here.
Hmm...
(makes vomiting sound)
(makes vomiting sound)
Are you sucking a dick
or throwing up?
Throwing up.
Throwing up. Okay.
PPGS's?
Doesn't Marty usually
deal with those?
Yep.
The fuck is this?
Hold up, are they giving you
your own pod?
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna take it.
Of course you're gonna take it.
Why the fuck
wouldn't you take it?
This is huge, Jeannie.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Your office is locked.
Yeah, we're gonna head out.
So let's go.
Why does it say "Marty Kaan"
on your door?
It's my nickname, okay?
Let's just go.
(Jeannie typing)
♪ ♪
(door opens)
Morning, Pop.
Morning.
Malcolm show up yet?
No, not yet.
Not yet, huh?
Well, I wouldn't
get my hopes up.
What's that
supposed to mean?
I gave him a charitable
donation last night.
I over-donated.
You paid him to leave?
No. I gave him
a choice,
and he chose.
(mutters):
Can't believe it.
The fuck is wrong with you?
Wait, wait...
Pop, doesn't this just prove
that his whole desire
to reconnect with his family
was just a bunch of bullshit?
What it proves
is what a manipulative person
you can be.
Wait a minute.
He conned you out of
I don't know how much money.
He didn't con me
out of any money. Okay.
Whatever. I-I'm the
manipulative one?
Pop, you're a grown man.
You can do whatever you want
with your money.
Hmm.
But he's trying
to use Roscoe, okay?
I'm-I'm just supposed
to be cool with that?
Well, no, 'cause that's
your domain.
What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?
What it means is you've been
trying to get your brother
to leave here since
the minute he came,
so you used me
and your son
to justify this shitty,
shitty thing you've done.
Congratulations, Martin.
Pop.
Pop.
(exhales sharply)
(clears throat)
Hey, uh...
Clyde, you-you never asked me
how my, uh, meeting
went yesterday.
Yeah, it's 'cause
I don't give a fuck.
(chuckles)
How'd your meeting
go yesterday, Doug?
Went as smooth
as butter on a baby's ass.
Why would you put butter
on a baby's ass?
It's a figure of speech.
(chuckles)
Jeannie, can you do me a favor
and put a bullet in my head?
In a minute.
Finally got your PPGS's.
Here is a list of people
that I think you
can poach, and...
Yeah, you know what,
you-you call them.
Now you want me
to call them?
Yeah, they're your contacts.
But they've always
been my contacts.
What's changed, exactly?
Jeannie, what do you
want me to say?
I don't want you
to say anything...
Okay, then...
JULIANNE: Oh.
Look at this,
here are my all-stars.
MARTY:
Hey.
You know, a little bird told me
that you gave this one
her own pod.
I did.
(chuckles)
What, don't you think
she deserves it?
Well, honestly, I think
she deserves your job.
(laughing)
Marty, you know,
at the end of the day,
I have got to decide what's best
for the future of this company.
No, absolutely, but our pod
kind of keeps
the company afloat,
and I can't do that
without her. I mean...
Jeannie's not somebody
I can just replace.
So, I understand you
having to make
the hard decisions,
but in the future, Mm-hmm. Yes.
it would be great
if you just gave
old Marty a heads-up.
Okay, well,
you know what I think?
I think, Marty, that you and I
should continue
this discussion later.
I...
In private.
Yeah.
Okay.
I look forward to that.
Me, too.
Good to see you.
Yeah.
Great.
That was a jump ball.
What, you think I'm afraid
of Julianne Hofschraeger?
She scares the
shit out of me.
Yeah, me, too.
Hmm.
So, you ready for this
shit storm that's coming?
Bring on the shit.
(chuckling):
What are you doing?
I don't know. Isn't
that how you do it?
All right.
Get on those calls, okay?
I actually have
a dinner tonight
with Nate...
that I can cancel.
I'm-I'm happy to cancel.
Oh.
Uh, no, that's cool.
I can cancel it.
I really... Hey.
Nate.
Hey, Nate.
Have you met Marty?
Hey. The Dildo King,
at your service.
What?
Yeah.
That is what
you guys call me, yes?
Yeah.
No, nobody says that.
I... I'm pretty sure
it's what you guys call me.
I told him.
I've been called a lot worse. It's okay.
Uh, you ready to go?
You need more time?
Um, I think I need...
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Okay.
I'll just be down there.
Okay.
Hey. Nice meeting you, DK.
There it is.
We're on a good road, right?
Like, this will
work itself out?
Oh, yeah.
We're... just blue skies
from here on out.
Okay.
Okay.
What... are you doing?
I'll be back.
♪ Never thought
that you'd ever get caught ♪
♪ With your hand
up in the cookie jar ♪
Don't dildo anything
I wouldn't dildo.
♪ Playing spades
with the devil now ♪
♪ Boy, what you have to go
and do that for? ♪
♪ Now I lay me down to sleep
♪ I pray the Lord
♪ My soul to keep
♪ And if I die before I wake
♪ Well, if I die before I wake
♪ It's got to ♪
♪ Got to be a mistake
♪ Lord, take me back
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Take me back ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ I don't need this ♪
♪ I don't deserve it ♪
♪ It ain't my fault ♪
♪ Ain't nobody perfect ♪
♪ This ain't justice ♪
♪ And I didn't do it ♪
♪ Do it over again ♪
♪ Do it
over again ♪
♪ Start it over again. ♪
Meow.
Previously on House of Lies...
So, you and Doug met
on a dating Web site?
They're a great way to
weed out douche bags.
I feel like, um... we're really
dancing around each other.
Let it remain really awkward.
What do you want, man?
Why are you here?
Dad was in a pretty bad
car accident two weeks ago.
You told Kevin
we're sleeping together?
What are we doing?
I'm out.
I'm gonna start
my own shop.
We are promoting our very own
Jeannie Van Der Hooven.
Management... that doesn't
even mean anything. What?
Leave right now. Spend the
rest of the afternoon with me.
Did the Dildo King
find his Dildo Queen?
I mean, I-I like him.
Cool.
MALCOLM:
Marty, Marty, they're demolishing public housing
to make room
for a goddamn Wal-Mart,
with their outsourced,
sweatshop-made,
faux-Christian bullshit,
selling it to the people
and the public like it's...
economic growth.
Hypocrites.
Right. And meanwhile,
the people who are most in need
of the jobs this creates
get shipped 20,
30 miles away.
Marty, even you can see
how fucked-up this shit is, man.
Hey, Malcolm, man.
All right, all right,
my bad, Lil' Man.
My passion gets the better
of me sometimes.
It's cool. Call it
as you see it.
Do you know what else
would be cool?
If we could
play some cards.
You know, Squirrel,
I got to say
that I'm a little stumped,
you know,
at the fact that you're taking
the city's side.
Especially after
all the shit
they did to you.
I'm not taking
the city's side, okay?
Well, you know what? Not taking
a side is taking a side.
You are a bottomless pit
of lame clichés.
What, you fist-bumping him
on that?
You know what?
Twenty-five.
(groans)
I fold.
Yeah, man, who's
shuffling these cards?
(laughs)
All right, youngster,
looks like it's just
me and you. Heads up.
Let's go. Pay to play, baby.
Why can't we bet
with real money?
Because somebody at the table
doesn't have any... real money.
Har har har.
Should I call?
Well, look, you got
to work it through.
Now, your uncle
just raised,
so maybe he has a good
hand, maybe he doesn't.
What's important
is he's got a big-ass stack,
and he's leveraging
it against your stack
and he's also in position,
and that's what you want to be
in any good negotiation.
Remember that.
MALCOLM:
It's how the rich get richer.
Always at the expense
of the little guy.
Right, Marty?
Remember that, too.
So should I call or not?
It's up to you.
Totally up to you.
(chuckles)
Twenty-five.
MARTY: Oh!
He said he ain't scared.
Ooh.
He ain't gonna get bullied.
Okay.
I like that.
I like that, Lil' Man.
Okay, all right.
All right.
Game on.
What about you, Big Squirrel?
You interested
in contributing
some of your big stack
to the cause?
Oh, you want some pretzels?
You can have all the pretzels.
No, no, I'm talking
about the real money.
Oh, oh, the real money.
No, no, no, no, no. Yes.
Ah... I'm in.
Like I thought.
Pop.
No, Dad,
there's no way
Yeah, I'm in.
I'm taking money
from you.
(confused, startled grunt)
(laughs)
(clears throat)
I'm going all in.
(scoffs)
I'm not gonna let Uncle Malcolm out-leverage...
Wait, wait, wait, wait...
Uh, you should fold.
Because your uncle is the
king of the slow play.
It's what he does-- he draws
you all the way down the river,
and then he
sucks you dry.
Look at that.
(Jeremiah whistles)
That's a full house.
That's dirty.
Pay up, baby.
Just take your pretzels.
CLYDE:
So, I get these tickets, right?
Fucking floor seats.
Amazing tickets.
The kind of tickets you
would kill your mom for.
I think that says more about
my relationship with my mother
than the quality
of the tickets,
but go ahead.
So I call Marty to offer him up
the other ticket,
but he never gets back to me.
He doesn't call me back,
he doesn't text me.
I have no idea what
the fuck is... What?
I always thought
that smug arrogance
was your most off-putting
quality.
I had no idea
it was tween girl insecurity.
Fuck off.
There's the Clyde I'm comfortable with.
I don't come across
as insecure, do I?
DOUG:
Yeah, hey,
Marty, it's me. Again.
Uh, Doug.
Uh, I need to talk to
you about something.
Kind of important,
actually,
so can you call me
back when you, uh...
when you get a second?
Please, I'm begging you.
Uh, it's Doug Guggenheim.
All right, bye.
(sighs)
God.
Hey, has Marty seemed a little
distracted to you guys lately?
Even fucking Doug agrees
with me. Yeah.
Even Doug agrees with you.
God, I know. It's weird.
I've called him, like,
five times today, and he always
calls me back. Always.
You know? Even if
it's just to say,
"Yo, Doug,
quit blowin' up my phone." JEANNIE: What?
Don't.
I'm sorry. Please don't
tell him I did that. CLYDE: No.
Do you have any idea
how racist that is?
We're gonna have to tell him.
We have no choice.
No. No, I'm not
an impressions guy.
I'm just worried
if he's okay.
Should we be
calling hospitals?
I didn't want
to have to do this,
but you leave me no choice.
Hey, I'm heading into a thing.
What's up?
Sorry. I butt-dialed you.
Oh.
No, don't hang up.
Oh, shit.
Hang on.
All right.
We got him. We got him now.
(line ringing)
He is alive.
We know that.
(stammers, sighs)
Voice mail again.
Are you kidding me?
(sighs)
Damn.
It is fucking
hot in here.
So, what do you think?
Well...
what I think is,
you're asking me to leave one
of the top firms in the country
to follow you to some
rinky-dink start-up.
That's what I think.
Eric, come on.
We've been in this game a
long time. You could see this.
Galweather Stearn's
a sinking ship. And what?
You're the lifeboat?
I'm the fucking Coast Guard.
(chuckles)
I'm just
messing with you, Marty.
Why would you do that?
Come on, man.
Hey, look, you're my guy,
so of course I'm in.
Great. Now,
look, no one...
No one can know.
What?
You think this is
my first exodus
or something, man?
Nah, you're a champ.
Hey. Come here.
Oh, let's just shake on it.
Nah,
come here, you.
(chuckles)
Marty Kaan and Associates.
Yeah. Goddamn,
that's exciting, man.
(chuckles) Ooh. Yeah.
You, um, wanted to...
JULIANNE: Has Marty
finished his Projections
of Practice Growth and Sources
Quarterly Report yet?
...see me?
(chuckles)
It was due yesterday.
Those deadlines have always
been, um, more like suggestions.
Well, now they're a deadline.
Understood. I will let him know.
Great.
So, um...
...where is Marty, anyway?
He is meeting
with a prospective client. Oh.
Well... that's
very exciting.
Mm-hmm.
Huh.
You know, Jeannie,
I have, um, been
giving an awful lot
of thought to the future
of this company.
To the, um, kind of people
that I would like to see
leading us. People like you.
Are you about to give me another
promotion that changes nothing?
Fair enough.
(laughs)
Yeah.
Actually,
I was thinking that it was time
for you to run your own pod.
Official offer
is going to be
on your desk by end of day.
So what do you
say, Jeannie?
Are you ready to step up?
(elevator dings)
Hey! Marty. Hey.
Hey.
It's "phoh."
Do you like "phoh"?
I love "phoh."
"Phoh" is my bro.
(chuckles)
"Phoh" sho.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Actually think it's
pronounced "phah." Is it?
Yeah.
Oh. Well.
Then, um, pho...ck me.
(chuckles)
So, you don't remember me,
is what I'm... I do not.
(laughing):
Okay.
I mean, did we, uh...
I'm Doug's girlfriend.
Oh.
I'm Doug's girlfriend.
We met at the retreat.
The retreat.
That's right.
Right.
Made Doug come
like a foghorn. Well...
that's private.
(chuckles) (elevator dings)
See you.
Yep, real pleasure.
How'd it go
with Steam Bath Willie?
He showed me his business,
we made a deal.
Wow. Hope those two
weren't mutually exclusive.
Does that give, uh, us
enough money to make the move?
No. I mean, not if we...
not if we want to do it right.
You got to make
a list, okay? Your people.
People that we can poach,
but, you know,
people that can also keep
their mouths shut. Okay.
Um, yeah, I'll start
to reach out.
No, no. Don't-don't reach out.
No, just-just make a list.
Okay.
Uh, Julianne is looking
for your PPGS's. Oh, fuck.
I-I don't have time to deal
with that bullshit paperwork.
Jeannie, please,
can you just do it for me?
Okay.
Thank you.
Something else?
Yes, actually.
Julianne has offered
me my own pod.
I thought you
were coming with me.
I am.
So, what, then?
What does... what does...
what does it matter?
I don't know. It's just a
nice vote of confidence.
I'm just... it's...
it's nice to feel
that your hard work
is appreciated.
I'm just sharing.
Uh-huh. You hedging?
Jea... look, Jeannie, if you...
if... if you think
that you're better off...
I'm not hedging.
...staying here, then...
Okay.
(ringtone plays)
I swear to God,
if this fucking asshole Doug
calls me one more time,
Jeannie...
Oh, I got to answer
for Doug now?
He and Clyde have been asking
a lot of questions, Marty.
You have to...
Just make the...
Just make the list,
please,
and take care
of whatever bullshit it is
that Julianne needs.
I got to go look
at some office spaces, okay?
Okay.
Um, I-I'll run by
and talk to the
idiot before I go.
Oh, shit.
Hey, there you are.
Hey, Marty, uh, guess who.
(laughing):
Yeah, it's me again.
So I don't know
where you are,
but, uh, call me when...
He's here.
He is here.
Who? Marty is here?
Mm-hmm, yes.
Oh, I guess you're here.
That's great.
Okay, well, you know what?
I'm gonna swing by.
I got to talk to you
about something.
I'll see you soon. Bye.
Doug.
Yeah.
What is
the big emergency?
Oh, uh, a friend of mine
from HBS put me in touch
with the CEO of TRACER,
this heat-seeking software
company in the Bay Area.
Okay.
He's looking for a possible expansion consult.
He wants
to sit down with me,
so I got to get
the big guy up to speed.
Okay, hold on, he wants
to sit down with you.
Yeah.
So why do you need Marty?
Well, it's a potentially
huge client for us,
and, uh, you know,
Marty's a closer.
You know, it's
a no-brainer.
Well, Doug, when are you going
to stop letting other people
take the credit for all
of your hard work?
What? Is that what you think?
Pretty simple question.
Yeah-- no, but
it's not like that.
No, we're a team, you know.
Okay, mm-hmm.
We work together. It's easy.
Okay, so if Marty signs this guy,
is it a win for the team or
is it really a win for Marty?
These are your contacts,
you did all the prep work,
so go out there
and take what's yours.
Doug, why don't you quit
blowing up my phone?
What is it?
Um...
Uh... nothing.
No, I...
Nothing? Really?
It was something...
but never mind.
I Googled it,
and I was able to... I'm out.
MONICA: You look amazing.
TAMARA: Thank you.
MONICA:
You know the last time that we saw each other?
Uh, oh, my God, it was
the night after graduation
when we did all that Ecstacy.
Remember that?
Fucking seriously?
TAMARA:
Not really.
Oh, yeah, it's probably
for the best.
(all laugh)
Probably.
God, Monica, I love
when you hang out over here.
I'm sorry.
Who are you?
Are you fucking s...?
I'm Clyde Oberholt.
Top 25 under 30, huh?
Hey, Monica.
Hi. How are you?
What are you doing here?
I don't know.
I was in the neighborhood,
and I-I realized
I hadn't welcomed Tamara
back to the workforce.
Oh.
Welcome.
Thank you.
Oh, really?
That's surprising
because, back
in "B" school,
I'm pretty sure you
guys hated each other.
We did not.
We were just competitive.
Oh, and you were the
girl that just partied
all night, slept
through microeconomics
and still aced
those exams.
I kind of fucking hated you.
(both laugh)
Guilty.
Well, I'm still
taking you to lunch. Okay.
Oh, what's this?
That's weird.
Oh, okay, why don't
we check it out?
2012 Top 25 under 30.
And who's that gentleman?
I don't know, olive complexion,
really Jewish.
Clyde Oberholt.
Number 25.
That's a good job.
It's way down the list.
It's not
in a specific order.
So, shall we?
Uh, yeah. Why don't we?
TAMARA:
Oh, you're gonna join us.
Okay.
Are you sure you have time?
Got nothing but time.
And who loves
a trip down memory lane
more than Marty Kaan?
Literally everyone.
Oh, and what do we have here?
"Clyde Oberholt is a force
to be reckoned with
in business and in life."
Hot.
Am I coming with
you guys to lunch? You're not.
I'll make a sandwich.
MONICA:
Mmm.
MARTY:
Monica, what... what are we doing here?
I mean, what...
what-what-what's going on?
What? What do you mean?
Come on, this bullshit,
th-th-the casual lunch,
the waxing nostalgic
about the good old days.
Come on.
You're right-- I do.
I have an ulterior motive for
inviting Tamara to lunch today.
Of course you do.
I was on Facebook
the other night.
Sometimes I like to go on there,
see how fat people are getting.
(chuckles)
One guy that's looking just
fine, though, is your husband,
but I was really
sad when I saw that
his relationship status
changed to "it's complicated."
Are you stalking Kevin
on Facebook?
Uh-uh. I'm worried
about you.
Oh, don't worry
about me, Monica.
Your ex-husband's
been doing a...
great job helping me through
this very difficult time.
Hmm, aw, that's super sweet.
Hey, Monica,
the jealousy thing...
(scoffs)
Since when have I ever been jealous
of one of your fuck buddies?
MARTY:
When, uh,
you realized it might be
something more?
Please, I mean,
I think we both know
you're incapable
of making that happen.
(Tamara groans)
You know what? Speaking of which,
how is your little foray
into the...
(trills)
...going?
Wow.
Yeah, n-n-n-no,
look, Monica
is a lesbian now.
Seriously?
(chuckles)
I think that's...
I don't want... it's done.
It's done?
Yeah, done,
I'm done with that. Fuck, Jesus, that was quick.
I guess that explains
your headfirst dive
off the vegan wagon.
Well, if I learned
anything from
this experience...
And I'm sure you have not.
...it is that there
is no substitute
for a good piece of meat.
Ch-ch-boom!
Mmm.
And she's back.
Let's do a toast.
To Marty and Tamara.
May both of you come out
of this thing unscathed.
There's a first time
for everything.
(exhales)
You got this, buddy.
You got this.
Come on.
Make it rain.
Just make it rain.
Rainmake.
Just come on, fucking do it.
(exhales)
Okay, let's make it rain.
No.
It's a "B."
What?
There's a "B" on the sign.
A fucking
"B," Sarah. Okay.
Hey, calm down.
You can do this.
I can't do it. I'm not meant
for the spotlight, Sarah.
This is not me, all right?
You're not dating Prince.
You're dating one of
the faceless members
of the Revolution.
God, I'm calling Marty.
No, no, you are
not calling Marty.
You're gonna go in there, and
you're gonna do this yourself.
No.
Get in the car.
No, I have to call...
Get in the fucking car, Doug.
Yeah, okay.
Yeah, okay.
And this brings us back
to the lobby.
What'd you think?
It's nice. I mean, it's
a really nice place, yeah.
Well, if you're
interested,
I'd suggest putting in
an offer today.
Today?
(scoffs)
Wow, you're just gonna
shove it right in, huh?
No foreplay?
Not at this orgy.
I've got three competing
bids in already.
Ah.
Huge players.
Should I include yours?
SARAH:
You have an IQ of 144.
Yeah.
You are a proud graduate of
one of the most prestigious
business schools
in the country. Yes.
Okay?
Mm-hmm.
Your regression models
are the stuff of legend.
(grunting)
You are the wielder...
Okay.
...of powerful
financial instruments.
Okay, that's right.
Okay, it's gonna happen, yeah, it's gonna happen.
Don't get any
on my suit.
I would never get any
on your beautiful head.
(moaning deeply)
♪ She never mentioned
that she's still holdin' on ♪
♪ But my intuition made me feel
she's the only one... ♪
Oh. Of course.
♪ And goes off to the sky
♪ Off to the sky ♪
♪ Off to the sky.
MALCOLM:
You got to just keep the movement going.
ROSCOE: Mm-hmm.
You know what I mean?
It's really important
to just, you know,
always stay the course,
stay focused with this, man.
Mm-hmm.
You got it, man.
Hey, what's up?
Hey.
Hey, Dad, check this out.
Uncle Malcolm--
he took me
to his rally today.
(protesters chanting
indistinctly)
What they're doing
to those people
in public housing
is fucked-up.
Roscoe, I'm not going to tell
you again about your language.
It... it is.
Knock it off.
Can't you donate
something to the cause?
Grandpa did, and he has
a lot less money than you.
Really?
Can I talk to your uncle
alone for a second, please?
Okay.
You know, Dad, you're either
a part of the solution...
Or I'm a part of the problem,
I know. ...you're
(door closes)
What?
What?
He wanted to
come down.
What was I supposed
to tell him?
You... you're supposed
to tell him no, Malcolm,
because you're the adult
and he's a kid.
I told you I don't want him
involved in this shit.
You can't keep
his eyes closed forever.
And what happened
to not taking Pops' money?
Roscoe showed him the video,
and he insisted.
I wasn't gonna embarrass
him in front of your son.
(laughs)
What are you doing?
What's the number?
What?
Just tell me the number,
okay, Malcolm?
Oh, wow.
You know, don't go pretending
like you don't lean on Dad.
He's practically
raising Roscoe by himself.
$5,000?
Know what?
Fuck you, Marty.
Okay. Uh... okay.
I'm sorry.
That was an insult of an offer.
$10,000.
How about,
I don't want your money?
Right, 'cause you're a...
a not-for-profit entity.
Is that it?
So, this is where
you leverage me out, huh?
Just open up
your checkbook... Malcolm...
and write it,
it's just that simple.
Malcolm, just...
look at me, man.
Okay, our whole thing
is supposed to be about
how different we are, right?
We're... we're the same.
That is bullshit,
and you know it.
Okay, it's not.
Look, we're just...
we're just working
different sides of the cash cow.
I know you,
because you're me.
We're both just trying
to do our thing, right?
So I'm gonna
write this check.
Maybe it's here tomorrow,
maybe it's not.
Maybe you're here tomorrow.
(rips check out of checkbook)
But either way, bro,
it's-it's... it's okay.
Really.
(door closes)
(sighs)
CLYDE:
So I told him, "Make it about the kids."
Sweet guy, Matt Damon.
He's my friend.
You know, we should all
hang out before...
Jeannie Beannie,
what are you doing here?
Finishing up a project.
Who is your friend?
Oh, my God,
I can't believe you noticed her.
I'm so embarrassed.
This is Samantha.
She's a business
major over at UCLA,
and her biggest turn-on
is corporate America.
Can you believe it?
(both laugh)
So, which office is yours?
That huge one. You see
that huge one over there?
Mm-hmm.
Go up there. Do whatever you want.
(Samantha giggles)
Unless you want to hear
what it sounds like
when I have sex
with a half-Asian girl,
I suggest you
get out of here.
Hmm...
(makes vomiting sound)
(makes vomiting sound)
Are you sucking a dick
or throwing up?
Throwing up.
Throwing up. Okay.
PPGS's?
Doesn't Marty usually
deal with those?
Yep.
The fuck is this?
Hold up, are they giving you
your own pod?
Yeah.
I think I'm gonna take it.
Of course you're gonna take it.
Why the fuck
wouldn't you take it?
This is huge, Jeannie.
Congratulations.
Thanks.
Yeah.
Your office is locked.
Yeah, we're gonna head out.
So let's go.
Why does it say "Marty Kaan"
on your door?
It's my nickname, okay?
Let's just go.
(Jeannie typing)
♪ ♪
(door opens)
Morning, Pop.
Morning.
Malcolm show up yet?
No, not yet.
Not yet, huh?
Well, I wouldn't
get my hopes up.
What's that
supposed to mean?
I gave him a charitable
donation last night.
I over-donated.
You paid him to leave?
No. I gave him
a choice,
and he chose.
(mutters):
Can't believe it.
The fuck is wrong with you?
Wait, wait...
Pop, doesn't this just prove
that his whole desire
to reconnect with his family
was just a bunch of bullshit?
What it proves
is what a manipulative person
you can be.
Wait a minute.
He conned you out of
I don't know how much money.
He didn't con me
out of any money. Okay.
Whatever. I-I'm the
manipulative one?
Pop, you're a grown man.
You can do whatever you want
with your money.
Hmm.
But he's trying
to use Roscoe, okay?
I'm-I'm just supposed
to be cool with that?
Well, no, 'cause that's
your domain.
What the fuck is that
supposed to mean?
What it means is you've been
trying to get your brother
to leave here since
the minute he came,
so you used me
and your son
to justify this shitty,
shitty thing you've done.
Congratulations, Martin.
Pop.
Pop.
(exhales sharply)
(clears throat)
Hey, uh...
Clyde, you-you never asked me
how my, uh, meeting
went yesterday.
Yeah, it's 'cause
I don't give a fuck.
(chuckles)
How'd your meeting
go yesterday, Doug?
Went as smooth
as butter on a baby's ass.
Why would you put butter
on a baby's ass?
It's a figure of speech.
(chuckles)
Jeannie, can you do me a favor
and put a bullet in my head?
In a minute.
Finally got your PPGS's.
Here is a list of people
that I think you
can poach, and...
Yeah, you know what,
you-you call them.
Now you want me
to call them?
Yeah, they're your contacts.
But they've always
been my contacts.
What's changed, exactly?
Jeannie, what do you
want me to say?
I don't want you
to say anything...
Okay, then...
JULIANNE: Oh.
Look at this,
here are my all-stars.
MARTY:
Hey.
You know, a little bird told me
that you gave this one
her own pod.
I did.
(chuckles)
What, don't you think
she deserves it?
Well, honestly, I think
she deserves your job.
(laughing)
Marty, you know,
at the end of the day,
I have got to decide what's best
for the future of this company.
No, absolutely, but our pod
kind of keeps
the company afloat,
and I can't do that
without her. I mean...
Jeannie's not somebody
I can just replace.
So, I understand you
having to make
the hard decisions,
but in the future, Mm-hmm. Yes.
it would be great
if you just gave
old Marty a heads-up.
Okay, well,
you know what I think?
I think, Marty, that you and I
should continue
this discussion later.
I...
In private.
Yeah.
Okay.
I look forward to that.
Me, too.
Good to see you.
Yeah.
Great.
That was a jump ball.
What, you think I'm afraid
of Julianne Hofschraeger?
She scares the
shit out of me.
Yeah, me, too.
Hmm.
So, you ready for this
shit storm that's coming?
Bring on the shit.
(chuckling):
What are you doing?
I don't know. Isn't
that how you do it?
All right.
Get on those calls, okay?
I actually have
a dinner tonight
with Nate...
that I can cancel.
I'm-I'm happy to cancel.
Oh.
Uh, no, that's cool.
I can cancel it.
I really... Hey.
Nate.
Hey, Nate.
Have you met Marty?
Hey. The Dildo King,
at your service.
What?
Yeah.
That is what
you guys call me, yes?
Yeah.
No, nobody says that.
I... I'm pretty sure
it's what you guys call me.
I told him.
I've been called a lot worse. It's okay.
Uh, you ready to go?
You need more time?
Um, I think I need...
Yeah.
Absolutely.
Okay.
I'll just be down there.
Okay.
Hey. Nice meeting you, DK.
There it is.
We're on a good road, right?
Like, this will
work itself out?
Oh, yeah.
We're... just blue skies
from here on out.
Okay.
Okay.
What... are you doing?
I'll be back.
♪ Never thought
that you'd ever get caught ♪
♪ With your hand
up in the cookie jar ♪
Don't dildo anything
I wouldn't dildo.
♪ Playing spades
with the devil now ♪
♪ Boy, what you have to go
and do that for? ♪
♪ Now I lay me down to sleep
♪ I pray the Lord
♪ My soul to keep
♪ And if I die before I wake
♪ Well, if I die before I wake
♪ It's got to ♪
♪ Got to be a mistake
♪ Lord, take me back
♪ Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh ♪
♪ Take me back ♪
♪ Whoa ♪
♪ I don't need this ♪
♪ I don't deserve it ♪
♪ It ain't my fault ♪
♪ Ain't nobody perfect ♪
♪ This ain't justice ♪
♪ And I didn't do it ♪
♪ Do it over again ♪
♪ Do it
over again ♪
♪ Start it over again. ♪
Meow.