House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 2, Episode 1 - Stochasticity - full transcript

Welcome to the new economy, America.

You open your mouth, and the damage

just spills right out.

My name is Marty kaan

and I'm a management consultant.

How do you make improvements
on a masterpiece?

Me and my team talk people
into thinking

they really need us...
Just enough

to sell them some more.

We're paying out the ass
for top-tier consulting firms.

Why not acquire one?
You will be ours.



With this potential merger coming up,

all of our asses are on the line.

Our asses are on the
line because of you.

Clyde oberholt has just been
named in the 25 under 30

of management consultants.

Boom!
You think I don't see all

your fucking teacher's
pet ass kissing every day?

What?

What do you mean, "what?"
Marty's my mentor.

No, he's not, Doug. He's not.

You go home and do what you can
to cope with the shift.

Hey, dad?
Huh! Yeah?

What's mom doing here?

Don't ever fuck your ex-wife.



Our son is a tranny for life.

Be expecting a call from my lawyers.

I want custody of Roscoe.

She can't take him, dad.

She didn't take him.
He went.

There's an 87% likelihood

that we're gonna sleep together, so...

Oh, my God.
What?

Certain partners have been using

their considerable influence
to bang the hotter,

younger elements of the company.

He promised my fast rise to partner.

The merger's dead.

Namaste!

You are sluticus!

I've been behaving badly.
Seriously?

So you blew up your life for the job.

You blow up your life
every day for the job.

To the...
Motherfucking...

Blower...
Uppers.

Still don't know what it is we do?

Hmm, then I guess we're doing it well.

♪ steady, are you ready? ♪

♪ steady are you ready
for me? ♪

♪ steady, are you ready? ♪

♪ steady, are you ready
for me? ♪

♪ come a little closer ♪

♪ take another bite ♪

♪ steady, are you ready
for my rocket tonight? ♪

♪ come across the ocean... ♪

Hey, Jeannie.
Marty.

Well, you look rested.

Seriously?

Uh, no. I was just being polite.
You look like shit.

Ah, there he is.

No, but seriously,
how-how you doing? How you been?

You know, I fucked my boss,
told the whole company,

left my handsome rich fiancé

and got kicked out of our
stunning downtown loft,

was forced to take a
two-week paid vacation

to think about what a
naughty girl I've been,

and decide whether or not
I want to sue my employer.

I think that's everything.

Am I leaving out...?
Oh, chlamydia.

Wow. So...

- Work?
- Uh, for... Yeah, let's go.

Yeah. Let's,
probably go to work.

But you don't really
have chlamydia, do you?

I wish I was joking.

Um, Marty,
I-I don't really...

Because a lot of weird stuff
happened that night.

I mean a lot yeah.

Of really weird shit went down

with the rainmaker, with you, with me.

And when I left the hotel,

I didn't have any underpants.

Wow. There's people
right there.

And I'm not sure if, um, we...

Did we...?

Here's the thing.

I'm just gonna.

Be honest right now, Marty.

I blacked out, so I don't know if...

Did we...?

I'm not saying for a fact that we did,

- but did we?
- Well, you know what?

You know what? I'm
sure that we didn't.

This is a conversation
that we definitely need to have.

We need to have this discussion,

but I don't know if we need
to do it at this moment.

Okay.

At this point, Marty, I'm not even sure

who I am anymore, so if, um...

Yeah, right.
There's a lot of people.

Okay, but if we could just get
this one little thing cleared up.

Saying it more quietly doesn't help.

There's a lot of people.
I know.

Yeah, there's a lot of people
in the elevator.

Marty?

Marty, did we...?

Jeannie, please,
can we just focus, okay?

We got to step into this meeting

- with the new queen of galweather,
- I know.

In, like two minutes, all right?

I know, I know, I'm just
trying to figure out...

Because I think...

I mean, the board is
convinced that this one,

she's gonna turn this place around,

take the stink off of it.

Which makes a lot of sense
because she did spend

$100 million of her own dollars

to try and buy
this gubernatorial election.

Didn't work. Shit the bed.
I know, I know.

- Excuse me.
- But I really don't care how much...

So that's the board's wisdom.

Marty, please, can you not just...?

Marty!

Marty!

Jeannie, I don't remember either.

- Hey, hey, hey.
- Welcome back, pass-around Patty.

Thank you, Clyde.
You're welcome.

- That means so much coming from you.
- Yeah, well, I missed you, too.

But you two haven't seen each other

since you've been sidelined,
have you, Jeannie beannie?

- I...
- I mean, not like socially or,

I don't know-- I'm gonna throw
it out there-- fucking?

- Oh, yeah!
- Just like weird, drunk,

sweaty fucking.
Because there was

that night, do you remember, Doug?

- I do. Yeah.
- Do you remember that night?

We were all drinking--
all of us were drinking--

then you two just
disappeared--

that's what I remember--
then there's a gap of time.

Right. Ooh!

I have no idea what you
filled that gap with.

- You know what? We have a pool going.
- Yes.

And right now we're
at five-to-one you guys did it.

- Are you serious? Is this model sound?
- Uh-huh.

Marty's given us no information,

so it is not sound, but we are

gathering data.
We need data.

Meeting, meeting, meeting.

Let's go.
Shit.

Uh, my goodness,

this is quite
a good-looking bunch.

But I'm not being inappropriate
or harassing.

Very good.

I want to introduce myself.

My name is julianne hofschraeger,

and I am the interim ceo here
at the new galweather stearn.

For those of you who are
unfamiliar with my cv,

I turned around a few little
Internet companies

you may have heard of.

I had a very,
just wonderful run for office

that didn't work out exactly
as I had planned.

Shake that off.

Gotta shake it off.

We are building a new company here

based on a fresh ethical reality.

This is the era of women at galweather;

we are bringing in some new
management-level gals,

and internally, we are promoting
our very own

Jeannie Van Der hooven...

Are you kidding me?

To engagement manager.

Manager? That doesn't
even mean anything.

What? Wow!
Congratulations.

Thank you so much.

Well, you know what?
That's enough talk.

Let's get to work
moving this company forward.

Look at you, huh?

Jeannie! How's it feel?

You got the big 'ol
"please don't sue us" promotion.

Also known as the non-promotion
promotion.

Ding-ding.
Fuck!

I like her.
She seems dynamic.

You're a big idiot.

- Marty, that night...
- You know how to running man?

You know how to running man.

You, you did the running man.

See it?

Absolutely, absolutely.

Go, Marty. Go, Marty.

Mm, no, you did

the running man.

I don't know how to do the running man.

Jeannie, do the running man.

Yeah, I know that now.

What else, Marty?

Oh, my God, Marty, what else?

Marty, you and your pod have
a 9:45 conference call

with Mr. Pincus.

Thanks. Who set up Pincus?

Don't look at me.
I don't...

- What do you mean?
- Okay. Yeah, I'm on it, I'm on it.

- Are you guys fucking kidding me?
- I don't have pinc...

See? There! You see?

The new galweather stearn
off to save the day.

You go get 'em, sister.

Marty,

You know that
we're hemorrhaging business

- with the big guys leaving, right?
- Mm.

You're the new Jesus Christ,
and I am counting on you

to close like a motherfucker.

Yeah, well, I can do that,
Ms. hofschraeger.

Oh, come on.
You're kidding, right?

It's julianne.
Julianne.

What was I thinking? Oh!

Okay okay.

A little extra bonus.

Who the fuck is Pincus?

Tell me that somebody has some notes.

Who the fuck is Pincus?

I have no idea, Marty.
I swear to you, I don't know.

He's not mine. I've never heard
the name Pincus before in my life.

Me either. And he's not on our
client docket at all.

Google the fuck out
of this motherfucker.

I'm doing it now.

Jeannie, are you sure
you didn't set this?

No. I have been on
a bullshit vacation, remember?

Great. I have 65 Pincuses in

leadership positions in the U.S.
did his area code come up?

It's a blocked number.
He's on the phone right now.

- This second, he's on.
- We gotta take the call. We can't...

Okay, shock and awe. Doug,

start a goddamned database
right now. Go.

Here we go.

Hello. Am I speaking
with Mr. Pincus?

This is Pincus.

Yes, sir, we'd really like to
thank you for taking this call.

Should we call you
"Mr. Pincus,"

or would you prefer...?

Who am I talking to? Is this
the group from galweather?

Yes, it is, sir.

Call was supposed to start
five minutes ago.

Exactly.
So let's dig right in.

We wanted to get your point of view

on the deliverables, um,

and both the scope
of the short-term work

and, uh, the endgame scenarios.

Uh-huh.
And, sir, I had

a quick question--
how is the weather...

Over there?

It's fine. Go on.

Uh, we always want to make sure

that our journeyline is, uh, on track.

So, what do you think?

What do you we think...

is a very direct way to begin.

So let's just start there.

Thank jumping Jesus you're
not charging me for this

initial consult or you'd be
hearing a goddamn dial tone.

And we would deserve to hear
that djal tone, sir, but, uh,

let's just step back
and admire the problem

as it were, um, because we want
to make sure we're aligned,

and that there's no disconnect
at the end of the day,

we're trying to get
an idea of what it is

you're expecting
to get out of this engagement--

net-net, uh,
end state vision.

I already discussed that
with the first guy.

So, why would you bother
sharing it with us?

Understood.

- Sir, this is what I'm thinking...
- Stochasticity.

What?

Stochasticity, sir.

Randomness, entropy.

Uh, the second law--
as my chaos theory Professor

at Harvard would call it.

You know, really it
governs our whole lives.

Uh, the beautiful chaotic,
utterly unpredictable world

that we inhabit,
all that we can rely on, sir,

is a random series of zeros and ones...

I thought this meeting was...

Try to stay with me, Mr. p.

This stuff isn't easy, but
the one and only thing

that we can truly count on
in this random universe

is that occasionally that randomness

can present itself as, well, fate.

What is your name, son?

Uh, Guggenheim, sir.

Uh, Guggenheim with a g.

Mr. G.

Uh, yes, sir.

I want you to shut the fuck up
for the remainder of this call.

Yes, sir.

Uh, listen, Mr. Pincus,
you sound like you're

a no-bullshit kind of a guy
to me-- is that right?

Yeah, with a very strong
bullshit detector.

And you probably can tell
we're dancing around

quite a bit right now.

You're like Jennifer grey, son.

All right, what Doug Guggenheim

just said to you is absolute bullshit.

Because as much as we've
been working and thinking

and crunching these numbers,

we really need to sit down with you

and get a 360 vision of the horizon

from where you sit, sir.

People are more than just a random set

of numbers, all right?

We are flesh and blood.

And until we can look you in the eye,

and you can look us in the eye

and find out what
kind of people we are,

it's all bullshit.

That's the first thing anyone's
said that makes sense.

All right, fantastic.

So, listen, why don't we
just fly out and, uh...

We could also drive.

Easily take a train

or something like that.
Boat.

Probably won't take a boat.

Probably not gonna be a boat, sir.

Mr. Pincus?

I'll be in L.A.
tomorrow morning.

You people need to deliver
something I can understand.

Okay.

You guys think you can find out
who this motherfucker is?

- Yeah.
- Hey, Doug?

- Mm-hmm?
- You want to have

- a chat with me in my office?
- Sure.

Doug, can I just say that was
fantastic, wonderful work.

You really took it out there.

Mr. G.

Do you want to smell?

Don't do that!

A little harder then.

Don't be a bitch, hit me harder.

Oh, shit.

Oh, fuck.

You broke my face.

Whoa, wow...
Look.

- You don't punch like a bitch.
- Jeannie. Jeannie.

Hey, Jeannie?
What?

What the hell happened to you?

Nothing. I don't know.

Do you remember when I was
the one everyone thought was

on the zipline to partner?

That was fun.
I think people still do.

I doubt it, but

it's just a lot more complicated now.

Maybe.

I think you'll be fine.

At least now you can fuck
anybody you want, right?

Got rid of that stupid fiancé--
you can do anything you want.

Yeah, I guess that's true.

Like Marty, you could fuck Marty again.

Jesus Christ, Clyde.

Can you not maintain
the illusion of niceness

for like longer than 60 seconds?

I usually Max out around 40.

So... but did you
fuck him though?

Oh, come on, dad.

Roscoe, I'm not saying
that your mom's place

is not a good place for you to be.

Oh, no, you'd never say that.

What I'm saying is I think...

Dad, I know what you're saying.

How do you know what I'm saying?

- You...
- You won't even let me finish a sentence.

You think your house is
a better place for me to be,

but you keep not
showing up for me, dad.

Not showing up? Are we not
sitting here right now?

Dad, seriously?
Listen, Roscoe.

I was distracted, buddy.

I'm sorry.
I'm a kid.

I already apologized for that.

I'm a kid, dad--
I shouldn't have

to be the one to figure
all this out or make a rational

decision based on my findings.

That should be my parents' job.

Uh, it is your parents' job.

And as your parent, I feel...
Dad, it's

not about what you feel...

Really?
I got to do

what I got to do-- my life.

Keep your voice down--
don't disrespect me.

Hello, I hear we have a
carpenters fan at the table.

It's not a good time. No.

Absolutely not.

Buzz off.

Fuck.

Could you just go with it, please?

I'm right on the bubble at this job,

and my manager is, um,

over there.

Your manager looks like
escaped from a mental ward.

Dad,

just... it's-it's fine.

She's on the bubble.

Thank you.

♪ why... do... birds suddenly ♪

- ♪ appear every time ♪
- I love this song.

♪ you are near ♪

♪ just like me, they long
to be close to you? ♪

♪ why do stars ♪

♪ fall down from the sky ♪

♪ every time you walk by? ♪

♪ just like me ♪

♪ they long to be ♪

♪ close to you... ♪

She's not bad.

Yeah, as bumblebees go.

♪ the angels got together ♪

♪ and decided to create
a dream come true ♪

♪ so they sprinkled ♪

♪ moon dust in your hair
and golden starlight ♪

♪ in your eyes ♪

♪ of blue ♪

♪ that... is... ♪

♪ why all the girls in town
girls in town ♪

That's right.

♪ follow you follow you ♪

♪ all around?
All around ♪

♪ just like me ♪

♪ they long to be ♪

♪ close to you.
Close to you. ♪

- Very nice.
- Good job!

Not bad, Bumblebee, not bad.

- Hey.
- Oh!

Hi, you must be Marty!

Yeah, hi...
Hi, hi!

Hi, hi.

Tessa, did you make tempeh?

Hells yeah, sister.
Awesome.

I think you guys might
be in bedtime trouble.

Seriously?
Yeah.

Don't worry, I think madame
will let it slide this once.

Are you leaving?
Yeah.

Oh, hello, gentlepersons.

Hey, mom.
Hey.

I put the tempeh in the fridge
and the quinoa's

still cooling, so if you'll put
it away before you go to bed.

Okay, yeah, thank you.

Later, dude.

So great to meet you, Marty.

Uh, yes.

You, too.

Here's the deal.

I will not get mad if you go straight

to your room, you read for ten minutes.

Ooh, I'm terrified.

Hey.
Ooh.

You had her sing that
carpenters song, didn't you?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Night, daddy.
Good night.

Night, mom.
Night, baby.

So, hey, Monica.

Hey, Marty.

Okay, what the fuck?

What?

Wh-what... What the fuck
is all of this?

You know, you got
your cute little vegan chef,

and you're all domestic and...

Homey and stay-at-home-mommy-y.

Mm.

I mean, come on,
this isn't you, Monica.

Really, Marty, so you know me
better than I know myself?

Is that... is that what it is?

No, I think we both know Monica
pretty well by now, right?

You know what, let's not.

We just go round and round--
let's just not do it.

I shared about this exact thing

at my meeting last night.

You shared about me
at your 12 step meeting?

That is so awesome.
Yeah.

Yeah, it's okay, I mean, that's
why they call it "anonymous."

No, I'm not worried about that,

I just, uh... I just don't know

what's really going on, I mean,

is this some sort
of a legal custody grab?

He's already here, Marty.

Then what the fuck is
really going on, Monica?

Maybe it seems impossible
to believe but people grow,

and then they change and
that's what's happening to me.

Oh.

I'm not angling for anything.

I'm not trying to win you back.

I'm moving forward, I'm happy.

I wish you could move forward, too.

Mm-hmm.

Marty, I love you.

Oh, I love you, too.

And I want... I just...

No, I don't... we should
definitely not do anything.

This is not...
Let's do this.

No, I don't...

Oh, fuck.

Oh, God.

Mm.
Oh...

We should not...
We should...

No, no. No.

What? Wh-what? What are...

We should not.
What do you mean?

We're already doing it,
what are you talking about?

We're not... no. Maybe
if it was last night,

when I was unbearably horny...

- You were unbearably horny last night?
- No...

- You should've called me.
- That's not what I'm saying.

Listen to me. Go.
Monica.

You gotta go.

- Be fucking serious...
- You gotta go.

I am serious.

Monica, stop fucking around.

Come on...
Marty. Stop.

Monica...

Monica.

♪ not gonna roll my eyes ♪

♪ if the trains aren't running ♪

♪ not gonna get mad ♪

♪ if the money stops coming. ♪

Thank you.

♪ I've got time ♪

hello.

♪ I've got time... ♪

Dude...

My God, Marty.

This is Luna.

Hey, Marty.
Hey, Luna.

I can't believe I'm actually
getting to meet you.

Uh... me, too.

Oh, and this...

This is Jo.

Hi, Jo.
Hi, Marty.

Oh, hi.

Two, three, give him four.

Oh! Baroom!

Clyde was right about you.

He was?

Mm-hmm, totally.
Totally.

So, um, what's...

When you called me...
Yeah?

I was with my girls, so I figured

- why not bring 'em over...
- Wait, wait, wait.

"Your girls"?
Oh, my goodness, yes.

Oh, I must not have
told you. We all date.

We're like a couple,
but there's three of us.

Oh, that's really well put,

- baby.
- Totally.

Wow. So you're in a committed
relationship with two women.

I mean...

Yeah.
Yes?

Yeah.
Right?

Like, for example, Marty,

if, um,

you know, me and you wanted to...

Oh, well, why wouldn't we?

Exactly.

Uh...

I don't mean to be a stickler,

because it sounds awesome...
It is awesome.

- It's awesome.
- Yeah, it's amazing.

But why go through the trouble
of calling it a relationship

if you guys are with each other

but you're also with

whoever?

Hmm.

Oh...

No idea.

I don't know.

Don't even think about...

I think you're getting off track.

What Luna was trying to say

is if you guys ever wanted to fuck...

Yeah... Fucking go for it, man.

But that would then

put me in kind of
a relationship with you,

right?

Uh...

- I guess kind of.
- Yeah.

Oh, my God, baby.

You were right.

He is super smart.

Oop, guess what I just figured out?

What?
Reached my boundary.

Wait, which is what?
Oh, any scenario

that involves me potentially
waking up in bed next to Clyde.

Haven't said no yet.

Oh. No yet.

Oh...

It's your loss.

Bourbon.
You pick it.

Um, wait.

So are we still in a
committed relationship?

Yes, yes.
Like, us three are committed.

One hundred percent.

- That's not what he said.
- He doesn't understand.

I don't even get what he said.

When do I get to fuck Jo?

Wait, you guys can fuck
each other anytime.

? I've got time.

Uh, well, oh, hey!

Thanks for joining us,
Mr. Guggenheim.

- Slippers?
- Yeah.

Pulled an all-nighter, Marty.

People need to know.

Okay, so, here's what

we found out.

A whole bunch about our friend Pincus.

We know he's obviously threatened
by Harvard-educated men.

- Fuckin' drop it, Doug.
- What? It might help us forensically.

- It's not gonna help us in any way.
- We don't know that yet.

Are you saying you still don't know

who Pincus is?

Problem is, he's not
in the system, okay?

So any partner or consultant who made

the initial contact
didn't provide any record of it.

I'm sure that when you Google the man,

something comes up, right, Doug?

You do get something.
All right.

So Mr. Ivy-league-hating Pincus

is either an elusive shipping magnate,

a video game software ceo,

an innovator in
fire-retardant sleepwear,

a third-tier casino owner,

or a vodka distiller.

Yeah, uh, and only two
of those have photographs.

Five fucking names.
You don't know shit, Doug.

- I wouldn't say that.
- No, you don't know shit.

That's as narrowed down
as you got the list?

So how much of that all-nighter
did you spend just sleeping?

Well, I'm a wreck without
at least seven hours.

Okay, so that's
not an all-nighter.

- You got a full night's sleep.
- Except I was here all night.

That's not the way an
all-nighter works, okay?

Marty.

Did we do... some
sort of exercise?

No. Definitely not.

I think we did.

In fact, I'm almost
positive that we did.

Wait a minute.

Did I do a shitload
of push-ups?

Oh...

I remember that.
Yeah.

Mr. Pincus is here.

What... what are
you talking about?

- Here, now?
- Now.

Wait, what does he look like?

Uh, like... oldish.

That doesn't... hold on.

Did he say anything about me?
Shah Guggenheim.

- Fuck off, Doug.
- Just-just tell him...

- Just tell him we're on our way, okay?
- All right, all right.

What do we do?

Well, we're not gonna panic.

- I disagree; I think we should panic.
- We should panic.

Yes.
All right.

Here you are, sir.

Mr. Pincus.

So good to finally meet
you in the flesh, sir.

That's quite a grip.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Uh, sorry I'm late.

I was on the phone with the Chinese.

You know how they can yammer on.

Uh... anyway,

I'm sure the team's already titr'd you,

so I'm just gonna jump right in.

Um, in your
industry--

well, in any
industry, really--

uh... environmentals
can disrupt bau--

business as usual--
and we just wanted to, you know,

get your take on these, moving forward.

That's why I'm talking to you.

Well, of course that's
why you're talking to us.

- Of course.
- No, of cour.

We were just wondering
if we could get an idea

of your data point.
Have a seat.

Please. Please.

Thank you.

Mr. Pincus, we know.

We know about everything.
All of it.

We know you're under siege, sir.

Your technology is outmoded.

It's ancient.

I know. I... I know.

The sad truth, sir,

is that you're losing touch.

You're affected by international

banking failures.
You're telling me?

You're not sleeping.

You're desperate.

Mm.

You're right.

I am.

We know that you've even considered...

- God, I don't even want to say it.
- Don't, then.

Don't do it.
No.

Well, I'm ashamed to say, yes, I have.

The whole thing...

Oh, it's-it's slipping away.

But we got your back, sir.

You can take a breath, friend...

For the first time in years.

We are going to take your business

back to heights you never thought

were possible, and then beyond.

To a new paradigm, a new reality,

a new place where your friends,

your-your family,

your employees...

They're gonna see a new Pincus.

A new Pincus?

Forgive me, sir.

A "now" Pincus.

I like the sound of that.

A now Pincus.

A better, more hopeful Pincus.

A Pincus who once again has
the world by the fuckin' balls.

Yes, goddamn it, yes.

That's the spirit!
Okay.

So now that you've heard all this,

what are we gonna do together?

I think that's pretty obvious.

Well...
No.

- Say it anyway.
- You gotta say it, though, right?

- It'll be fine.
- Let's go, come on.

Obvious is obvious, but don't
you want to put it out there?

Just-just say it.

Because we all love shipping.

- Right? Or...
- What?

Or pajamas. Pajamas?

And it is...

Gotta say it out loud.

Let's go, baby.

We're gonna build
a better goddamn casino.

Casino!
You're goddamn right!

We're gonna build a better

casino.
Casino!

Marty...

Marty.

Now that you've got
them thinking about it,

I'm afraid they're going
to break up with me.

Excusez-moi,
mesdemoiselles.

And then there was trois.

You know, Clyde was,
uh, telling me that

you're all in an open relationship.

That you could, essentially,
have a menagé a Gugg, oui?

No.

Oh, no.

Clyde, they like you so much

they can even resist Doug
Guggenheim speaking French.

One of his better moves.

Jeannie, put down the water and t

a real drink.

Because we're going
to fucking Vegas, baby!

Yeah, Vegas!

Yes!

♪ would it be enough
for you... ♪

Stop. Jeannie, stop.

Taxi!

Whoa!

Do it right!

I did it!

♪ in another life ♪

♪ we go unnoticed. ♪

Uh-oh.

♪ running naked through the streets ♪

I love you.

♪ in another life ♪

♪ you're catching roses ♪

♪ from all the people that could have ♪

What?

♪ fallen at your feet ♪

no. No, no, no, no, no, no.

- No?
- ♪ in another life ♪

♪ we are eternal hmm ♪

♪ wear no shoes upon our feet ♪