House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 4 - Mini-Mogul - full transcript

Yeah, I know, I know.

But let me just
lay out the case.

The case... you have
an engagement in San Francisco.

At the last minute,
your father zooms off

to speak to a bunch of swooning
Jungian analysts is taos.

Jesus!

So you call your
ever-dependable/psychotic

ex-wife.

Dependable, that is,
in her psychosis.

So next thing you know,

you're taking him
to work with you.



And there it is.
Case solved.

Shit!

Frisco's got
the best food trucks.

I am so ready to try
some street meat.

Okay, let's
rephrase that, all right?

Now, listen. You're gonna be
meeting some people in there,

and I want you to remember
that home stuff is private.

I gotcha, dad.

I'm just happy to be
skipping school.

- Yeah, about school...
- Great.

Grandpa told you?
Yeah, he told me.

You didn't.

What's going on in school?
Nothing.

Roscoe.



A couple of kids started
this thing about me at lunch.

- Who?
- Nobody.

I got to call principal Gita.

No Gita, please.

I just want to go to Frisco
and chill, okay?

Okay, then we'll chill.

But don't say "Frisco,"
all right?

Only losers say Frisco.
We're not losers. Am I right?

- Right.
- All right, give it up.

Switch.

So now that we're engaged,

I think we should have a party.

My mom will love that shit.

- Your mom will love anything
with free-flowing booze.

I bet your dad has to
piss vodka to get a blowie.

Poor guy.
My God, really?

My mom giving my dad a blow job

before I've even had my eggs?

Yeah. Sorry.

But really, who cares
what your mom loves?

We're not doing this for them.

Just family and friends.

Like, I can finally
meet all these guys

I share you with every week.

If you met them, you'd rethink.

And you're gonna miss
your flight.

Shit.

- Okay. I love you. Bye.
- Bye.

- Think about it.
- I will.

- I... I... I am listening to you.
- You're not.

It's impossible not to.
Listen... you're yelling...

- Blanca is a ten-pointer.
Hello.

- No. No, no, no.
Because a ten-pointer requires

a ruling from
a disinterested party.

- You're an idiot.
- That's all I'm saying.

Wait, Jeannie?
Completely uninterested.

- Perfect.
- And we have our judge.

Thank you so much, Jeannie.
Subject, Blanca Garcia,

AKA one hot piece of TSA ass.

Now, as you know,
Blanca's TSA status

automatically makes
my odds of success

exponentially lower than some
sort of airport bar pickup.

So why don't you go ahead
and give me...

- Three points. Yeah.
- Three points.

Now, her initial response
was "no,"

which I could not believe
'cause I got all this...

- I can believe it.
- And all this.

All right, get to the point,
Clyde.

I dusted off my backup game...
shush, shush.

Turned that no into
a coy little,

"I get off at 5:00."

Now, as you know,
reversing a "no" is worth...

Three points.
Would you get to the end?

Later on that night,
came back to my place,

I straight up rocked her world.

Once, twice...
Okay.

- Paused... three times.
- I don't believe you.

- You don't believe it?
- Absolutely not.

Okay, fine.
She sent me this video.

- Holy shit, man!
- Yeah.

Two points for the clothes,
two for the video.

And the judge rules...

Ay, Dios mio.

Blanca's a ten.
Yeah.

- Forward that to me.
- I can forward it to you easy.

For those keeping score
at home,

I'm officially up 23 points.

All right, listen,
do you want to know why

your score is so high?

Because you try to hump anything
with a Jinny, all right?

- Douglas, you say Jinny?
- Yes.

Regardless, the reason why
I'm winning is because

I don't get bogged down
in the romance.

- I like romance.
- What I do is

I tap that ass,
shake it off, and move on.

- You're a sex offender.
- I tap and move, grasshopper.

Just tap it...

What are we tapping?

Team, this is Roscoe.

Roscoe, this is...
this is the team.

Hey, you looking forward
to Frisco, little man?

I heard you absolutely
slayed it as Rizzo.

Yeah.

I brought the house down.
Okay?

- Okay.
- Okay.

We're playing Jacks
with another kid this week.

20-year-old CEO
Alex Katsnelson

of NinjaKatz Technologies.

Created the security software
NKT.

Yeah, the best hacker
since Meitzer.

A Harvard man too, so check it.

No one's gonna check it.

Now, the board wants to
expand internationally

without Alex.

But Alex wants us to prove
that he's an asset. The asset.

Okay?
Got to skin this pig.

Afterwork. Afterwork.
Jiggity-jig.

Is this how you roll
on the road?

Big pimpin', right?

Yeah. I could definitely
get used to it, but...

What exactly do you guys do?

That is the one question that we
management consultants hate.

So we have become
lords of the dance.

See, companies hire us
to solve the case,

you know, fix whatever it is
that's making them suck.

So we come in
and we give 'em advice.

It's something we call wags.
Wild-ass guesses.

- You good at it?
- I'm very good at it.

Hey, you know what, buddy,
you cannot come in here...

Let me give you a couple bucks.

Get some stuff
out of the machine.

You're hungry, right?
Yeah.

Not too much sugar.
Stay right there.

- Go on ahead.
- Don't say shit.

So... a chick, a Jew,
a WASP, and a black guy

walk into an office.

You are a charmer.

I'm Marty Kaan.

We're the team from Galweather,

and we are charging you
a king's ransom,

so we don't want to waste a lot
of time playing games. Okay?

- That's fine with me.
- Here's the deal.

NKT was revolutionary.
This is truth.

You were positioned to take over
the international market,

and now the board wants to
kick you off the fuckin' train.

Ridiculous.

You. The one who started this
whole thing from your dorm room

while spankin' the monkey
before your 8:00.

- God, he's taking me back.
- Me too.

Marty, let's get
something straight.

I don't want to have
some sort of

corporate capitalist
dick fight with the board,

'cause that's not me.

- Clearly.
- No.

But I want you to
make them see that I am ninja.

- You, you're ninja. Yeah.
- It's him.

Because those corporate
assholes,

they'll listen to
corporate ass kissers.

That's for sure.

Well, sir, you're in luck,

because we are
those ass kissers.

Hell, Mr. Katsnelson, if you
want us to lick ass, we will...

I mean, we're kind of cut
from the same cloth.

All right, look,
here's what we're gonna do.

Why don't you guys... why don't
you guys work off-site.

Let's keep suspicions down.

But if you guys
really want to know

what ninja's all about,
I think,

somebody should probably
roll with me.

I'm thinking blondie...
Guess I'm rolling with you.

You? Okay. That works.

Right. Well, who's gonna
look after the kid?

- Not it.
- Not it as well. Shit.

Hey, so, Roscoe,

you playing a little
arcade game there

on the... on your thing?

Yeah. I'm gonna go
to the bathroom.

Yeah. Okay.

But do you want me to...
Come with?

Dude, I'm ten.

Right. Of course.

Okay, well, hey, pound it out.

Don't leave me... hanging.
You left me hanging.

Fuck, even your kid game
is weak.

- It is not.
- It is.

Not.

Yeah, I designed
this whole thing myself.

I was going with sexy tech.
Girls love the sexy tech.

Trust me on that one.

So down here is basically
just, like,

special-Ops team.

It's, like, 100 Alexes
walking around

making me mon-ay!

Cha-motherfuckin'-ching, baby!

It's just dumb!
Come on. Let's go in here.

There she is.

- Hello there.
- Hey, baby.

I brought some very nice pieces

from our store collection.

Yeah, I see that.

And perhaps you're interested
in purchasing

a piece of jewelry, mister...

Marty Kaan.

How 'bout I make you two drinks

while you guys take a look?

You know what,
that sounds great.

You know where
the bar is, babe.

- I do.
- Thank you so much.

So you don't have any allies
on the NinjaKatz board.

No. They all
stopped talking to me

after the Matrix deal.
Bunch of crybabies, right?

Can you believe that?

Two years ago, a girl like that
wouldn't even talk to me.

Look at me now, right?
Yeah, she's all over you.

It's probably because
I got the black in the pants.

I have no idea
what you're talking about.

The black card.

Yeah, that shit's
a pussy magnet, I'm telling you.

And I'm, like, this close
to just... mm!

Hittin' that.
You know what I mean?

Yeah. Word!

I'm thinking hardwood floors.

Nah, that's a manicured lawn
going on down there.

No, no, come on.
So out of touch.

Do me a favor.
Look at her arms.

No hair. Do you see hair?
No.

She's Armenian.
Those fuckers are hairy.

So what that tells me is

no hair on the arms means
laser hair removal.

You know, man, Vagina!

- Good deduction.
- Yeah.

So...
See anything you like?

Yeah, as a matter of fact,
I do.

- Really.
- Thank you so much.

It appears Matrix
was a monster deal.

A $6 billion monster deal
that Alex killed

with a weapon called
micromanagement.

So then Matrix hooked up
with ninja's biggest competitor.

Daddy, wait a second.

Are you wearing a new bracelet?

Yes.

Yes, you are.
Yes. Yes, I are.

It's tasteful.
Not too "look at me!"

All right, I'll play.
Why?

It's just because I'm minding

my own damn business, Doug. You?
Yeah. Same.

Don't poke the bear
when he's hungry.

He was a nightmare
on Jenny Craig.

God!

Really?

Really?

Was it water weight
or regular weight?

Listen,

we need to start chunking out
the journeyline here.

Okay, Alex is obviously
a bottleneck.

And if he keeps running
NinjaKatz,

he's gonna ruin
international expansion.

So he gots to go.

But here's the interesting part.
We gots to stay.

My God, so you want us
to talk him into

leaving his own company...

And then get him
to ask the board

to give us the afterwork.

Mm, sometimes you are
the perfect man.

Thank you.

Alex wants to hang tonight,
dawg.

- Now, is that d-o-g or...
- No.

- It's gonna be d-a-w-g.

Hey...

I know I said that we were
gonna go check out

some food trucks tonight,

but I mean, I got to...
It's cool, dad.

I'll just kick it
with the crew.

I like you, Marty.

What I'm about to show you
is under the radar, okay?

Welcome to hackers heaven.

Yeah.
Home sweet home.

These are my hacking peeps.

The keepers of
the information conversation.

Ya know?
Yeah.

- Hacktivism, baby!
- Fuck yeah.

Here we go.
Daddy's home.

What's up?
What up, Jeff?

He's just...
he's playing.

Probably just not comfortable

'cause you know,
you're an outsider.

Yeah, that's what that was.

Just play it cool.
Play it cool.

Marty, so what we personally
believe in

is the freeing of information
from the corporate overlords,

'cause that's not right,
you know.

And me and DJ right here,
we wrote a manifesto and shit.

Then this asshole decided
to code some software

that locks up information
for the corporate overlords.

Come on.

Why are you clownin' me, dawg?

Always clownin' on me.

She's perfect, Doug.
A seven.

You see, you never go
for a ten,

but I'm gonna tell you
everything you need to know

right now... you ready?

Here it comes.
Be Clooney.

Clooney?

Yeah. Look at this.

Clooney, man.
Laugh at yourself.

Stand by your ideals.

Be one suave motherfucker,
and I guarantee

you will get women shimmying out
of their skinny jeans so fast

it'll be fucking insane.

So be suave, ideals...
That's a good one.

You don't even have to
write it down

because this is all
you need to know.

Whenever you have any question

of what you should be doing,
just ask yourself this...

what would Clooney do?

Right. Right.
Okay, okay.

And what would Clooney do?
He would tap that fuckin' ass!

- Of course. Yeah, yeah.
- He would fuckin' tap that ass!

What would Clooney do?
He's goin' tappin' ass.

- Jesus Christ!
- I got it.

Hey.
Hi.

So...
So...

Darfur sucked, huh?

Yeah.

Push, push, push.
Keep going. Keep going.

Okay, head down, eyes up,

a slight cock to the head.

And... hey.

- Hi.
- Hi...

Lucy.

Hey.

Could you go back to your seat?

There's people trying to order.

What the fuck was that?

What the fuck
are you talking about?

That was Clooney.

Which Clooney is that?

'Cause I've never seen that
in my entire life.

The facts of life Clooney.
The relatable everyman.

TV's Clooney is not
the real Clooney,

unless you're talking E.R.
Then barely.

Maybe one season of Clooney.

Why am I only
just hearing about that?

Because who remembers
George Clooney from facts...

Guys! Guys! Guys! Guys!

So you're not a big
Alex fan, I take it.

He can suck my fat brown dick.

Not a fan.

Yeah, we made big plans,

then he sells out
for blood money.

Now he's trying
to make up for it

with some backdoor shit
in his code,

and he's talking to
corporate Jacks like you.

So not a fan at all.

There's a backdoor
in the software.

Slow down.
Shut up.

You're right. I mean, this is
some quality street meat.

So my dad says you guys are
good at solving cases.

Did... did he say I was
good at it, specifically?

Like, "Doug is the best"?

No?
Just a question.

What if there is this kid,

and some big fat kid
with a thyroid problem

who picked on him at lunch,

and the kid's grandpa said
just to ignore it,

but the kid just wanted to

fuck the little
thyroid bitch up?

You know,
I actually had a case like this

a few years back.

There was this kid who,
I mean, he was handsome.

Not in the classic sense,
but handsome.

And smart.
Was he smart.

Genius level, really.

Destined for Harvard.

- I get it.
- Right.

And...
There was this other kid...

Who... tortured him.

He really just...
Tortured him.

And the kid's mom was, like,
you know,

"stop all the crying, Doug."
You know?

But then this kid realized
that the other kids...

Were just jealous.

That's all.

Jealous of his awesome...
awesomeness.

And you know, he went on
to be super awesome.

And today that kid is
Justin Bieber.

True story.

Dude, you already said
it was you.

I know.

I kind of just thought
the Bieber thing

would add the necessary pop
at the end.

Why are you getting dressed?

Because we're done.

What?
No, we're not.

Dance for me, Roxie.

Excuse me?

It's Roxie, right?

Robin.

And I don't like
being told what to do.

I think you do.

You do?

I think you'll do
whatever I ask.

Just because we fucked?

Actually, you fucked me.

You controlled
that whole situation.

I mean, you wish
I'd fucked you.

I think you wish
someone would take you

and fuck your brains out.

'Cause whoever's doing it now
isn't doing it right.

That's what I think.

Come on.

You'll never see me again.

Like this?

Yeah, like that.

So what's your real name?

Jeannie.

And I smoked better weed
than this

with my seventh grade teacher.

Fuck me!

And he got down on one knee
and... proposed.

And it was...

It was...

it was lacking in originality?

Well, his family owns
11 Picassos,

so he could literally buy
originality.

Maybe he should buy
some fidelity first.

I don't cheat on him.

You do see the irony
of that statement

in this moment, right?

Well, you...
This, tonight...

And your penis
and your mediocre weed,

they don't have anything
to do with my real life.

No.
Of course not.

What?

What?

Fuck you.
What?

I'm just...

Maybe tonight, and...

My penis and my shitty weed,

and maybe even wes...

Maybe it is about you and...

All those daddy issues
that are like

a monkey on your fuckin' back.

Monica's not available.

Whoa.

I can't believe... I can't believe
I got your voicemail.

You're unavailable?
Yeah, you are

un-fuckin'-available
darlin'!

Monica's not avail...

Remember you said you were
gonna "be there for him"?

That's awesome.

How you were gonna be there
to get him up and running.

And understanding that shit
that life is...

what was that shit
that you said?

Monica's not available.

You know what... you know what
he understands now?

He understands that
life is unsteady,

and it's full of regret
and fucking recrimination.

That's a good word for you.

You...

You have let...
you've let our son down

'cause you are not there.

There is no there there...

Where there should be
a mother, or a fuckin'...

if you are satisfied
with your message, press one.

To listen to your message...

no, I'm not happy with my
fuckin' message.

So, what's
my best position?

Well, we've looked over
all your documents,

and first, let me say
we are completely on your side.

Yeah.
There is just one issue.

The fraud issue.

What fraud issue?

Two words... back door.

You tried to save your rep

by creating a back door on NKT.

And that's fraud.

And that'll get you pokied
in the pokey.

Okay...

So I mean,
that's not a problem, right?

I mean, you just...
just get rid of it.

Clean it up, right?

I'm... I'm sorry,
is there a joke I missed?

You are a bona fide,
motherfuckin' sellout!

Just like us.

Ask your boy DJ.

First of all, Marty,
I'm nothing like you.

And second of all,
you don't know shit about me.

Really? Well, let's
play the game called

name that fucking sellout!

I don't think that's
an appropriate...

Jeannie, it's a fun game.

Who's obsessed with money,
power... their black card,

and their desire to score
quality pussy?

Ding, ding, ding, ding, ding!
Alex!

That's right, you.

You are the batteries
in the great big dildo

that's fucking this country
in the ass.

Now, we can help you.

We bury bodies every day.

Is that who you want to be?

- What do I do?
- What?

What do I do?

Tell the board
you're stepping down.

Pull a bill gates.
You won't lose your ownership.

You'll just let them handle
the corporate shit.

And just lay low
and get back to working

that Katsnelson magic

writing code for NKT 2.0.

This time with no back door.

We'll offer free upgrades
to all of your clients.

We will clean up
this entire thing

and let you get back to being
who you really are.

All right, well, what about
the international expansion?

The what?

Yeah, that does ring a bell.

Are you fucking kidding me?

They're gonna... the board's
gonna fuck this up!

Of course they're gonna
fuck it up.

- No, you're gonna get fucked.
- Yeah.

- It's gonna be worst than that.
- Wait.

And this is just an idea.

Brainstorm.
Throw it out. Yeah.

- Bring it. Bring it.
- You've got a solution.

What if you guys stayed on
as my consultants?

You know, be my eyes and ears.

Just name the price.

- I mean...
- Yeah, I don't know...

I mean...
Not that we don't want to.

- I'm looking at the numbers...
- Those things.

A lot of blue
on this page, and...

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- Marty, you got to be kidding.
- No, let me...

we got Utah, and then we got...

You know what?
I think we can do it.

- Marty, are you nuts?
- I think we can do it.

I've never seen him
do that before.

- Yes.
- You got a team, Alex.

You hear that?

Sucking sounds?

He has latched himself
on to Galweather's massive tits,

and he thinks it's his idea.

This is what we call
a good day.

Suck, motherfucker, suck!

You can trust us, Alex.

So you guys on Facebook?

- No. MySpace.
- What's MySpace?

Did you delete
your friendster account?

No, I kept it open for my band.

- He's a good kid.
- Yeah, he's pretty all right.

A word of advice.

Figure out a way
to talk to him now

before he starts talking
about you

on some therapist's couch.

Do I smell daddy issues?

Now, that would be cliche.

Yes.

- I have a...
- What's up?

Just a rock in my show.
I'll see you tomorrow.

All right.

Talk with him about it.

I will. Okay.

- Okay, see ya.
- All right. Bye.

So granddad's gonna have to stay
another night down there.

Hey, let's talk about
what's going on at school.

I mean, I know you don't want me
to call principal Gita.

I'm okay.
I'm okay.

Okay.

No, we got to talk
about it, Roscoe.

Those kids are just jealous
of my awesome.

That's what Doug thinks.

You talked to Doug.

Yeah.

Listen, buddy...

I know we don't get
a lot of time together,

and this week was supposed
to be different.

Sometimes I...

I get into...

- Dad?
- I don't know.

Dad...
Best week ever.

Okay.

Hey, you.

I thought I'd wait
and surprise you.

So... surprise.

I'm a lucky guy.

I think we should have
the engagement party.

Just not work people,

because it's gonna be hard
enough wrangling your mother.

All right.
Well, let's go home, baby.

Good. I'm tired.

All right.
Me too.