House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 3 - Microphallus - full transcript

My name is Marty Kaan, and I'm a management
consultant.

We need to get them on the tit.

That's what we do. Tug, tug, bang.

Every week, me and my team go somewhere

and talk people into thinking

they really, really need us. Marty Kaan?

Yeah. Greg Norbert.

Hey, I've got an idea. Double date tonight.

She made me come more in a toilet stall

in six minutes than you have

in the past three years.



Take your hands off me.

Now what part are you auditioning?

Sandy. Are you gonna fuck him up

about it? Call him a nancy boy?

He's looking for me to push back.

He's looking for a little positive attention.

And all that "I'm a piece of shit,"

that's about your mom's suicide, Marty.

Who the fuck told you? -I guessed.

Still don't know what it is we do?

Then I guess we're doing it well.

Mom? What are you...

Oh, Mom.

Y'all know what it is.



I'm on fire.

Somebody put me out, yo.

All right. There you go.

What are you doing out of your retired shrink
costume?

Having a meeting with Evelyn Danton

From my book club for coffee.

Meeting, huh?

Man, that woman can do more in bed

than any post-menopausal woman has any right to
be able to do.

There goes the appetite.

Hey, Dad.

Yup? -What do you do if you like

a girl and you like a boy?

I don't know, Roscoe.

I don't know.

I'm open to whatever.

You know, today is the anniversary

of your mother's death.

Fuck, Dad. What?

I know it's the fuckin' anniversary.

I know it every fuckin' year, and if I forget,

You say it.

You say it every year, Dad.

Can we just skip the part next year

Where you tell me it's the anniversary?

So you're good with it, huh?

Yeah, I'm fine.

You don't have to be fine, Marty.

What--what I'm not, Dad,

is in the mood for a session right now.

Please. I'm just trying to get out the fuckin' door,
man.

It's not a session, man,

If you tell me you're having a hard time,

like I am, and we say to each other,

"Look, I'm having a hard fucking day.

And I hope you get through it okay."

Okay? Okay.

'Cause that's what...

That's what families do, Marty.

Okay, Dad. Yeah.

It's all right to do that.

Hey, Dad.

Want me to teach you how to Dougie?

Yeah, man, teach me how to Dougie.

Hey. Did you guys all forget what time it is?

We got to be down in the car.

Marty, maybe you should not be here.

I don't know, maybe you could hide or something.

This is how it ends.

Daddy, it is a very bad day.

Yeah. -No.

Oh.

Motherfucker.

It's the Galweather team.

Who rocked our socks off in Nueve Jork.

Unbelievable.

Amazing. This is gonna be great.

Oh. Hey, guys.-

I think--I think you've interfaced with Greg Norbert

from-- Did he just say interfaced?

Yeah. Well, maybe we should just put

this out there because I'm sure the rumors

are already flying.

I got this one, Skip.

We just loved what your team did for us

in New York. I mean, loved it.

Really?

So much.

And after you left,

We felt sad.

No, not really.

No, but we had all this bailout money,

and we realized, no,

we're paying out the ass for top-tier consulting firms

like yours,

so why not acquire one

for internal strategic planning?

Boom. Get it.

Boom me, Marty.

Boom.

And then all these millions we're pissing away

in consulting fees

all in-house.

We buy it, own it, control it,

use it, bop!

It's ours.

You will be ours.

I mean that-- I mean that

in a figurative sense.

Let me put it this way-

Um...

I'm all about family.

I mean, I personally don't have a family anymore,

so you, you all, will be

my new family.

We're gonna work together

and build a profitable/happy family.

Familial

Yeah.

Okay, Greg. Mm-hmm?

Thanks.

'Whether we go forward with this or not

I want you to help in whatever way you can.

Metro is an enormous-

I mean, enormous company.

Which means it's bigger than us.

Okay. Carry on.

That's all right.

All right, party time.

Come on. Beautiful.

Beautiful.

Mm.

Hey, Mam'-

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Sure, Greg. Let's talk.

So, look, Buddy, look.

I'm gonna--I'm gonna smash your head in,

then I'm gonna personally fuck your bashed-in eye
socket

Metaphorically.

Well, as long as it's metaphorically.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

Hey, Greg?

Hows your beautiful wife?

I heard she tastes like Pinkberry.

Our pod in particular

represents the loss of his entire life.

You know, I got to say, he was kind of friendly to me.

Are you fucking kidding me, Harvard?

Were you there? -As friendly as the tranny?

Whoa! -What'?

Come here. Don't keep walking.

What, the tranny? -No tranny.

Okay, well, Doug really does tell it better,

but I'll give it a whirl. -God damn it.

We're drinking at a club

when Doug turns to talk to a very cute,

very muscular young little lady.

Big deal. So it's a chat.

That's when I saw it, right? Adam's apple.

The size of a fucking handball.

Yeah, I saw it too and I thought

it was gross. -They left the club together.

What the fuck?

You're a liar. -I am not lying.

I saw you leave with her.

You didn't see shit. I left on my--

Let me tell you why I left on my own.

Because when she kissed me on the cheek good-
bye,

I could feel her whiskers, so...

You kissed her. -What?

That is what happened. -You're doing it again.
Wrong.

You're wrong. You're wrong, wrong.

Listen, where the fuck are we going?

We're going to Indiana.

Oh, home of the Raggedy Ann Doll.

Shut... The fuck...

Up.

BC

Integrated Bottling Corporation.

I love their diet chocolate soda.

Aren't those good?

Yeah, interesting issue here.

IBC's been developing

a complete business restructuring

for the past several years,

something they're calling Apache,

a ground-up reboot of their entire flow.

Everything from the computer that tells them

how much syrup to put in Doug's chocolate soda

to when to pay the workers and how much.

They're getting ready to go live.

Now there's a couple warring factions we need

to keep our eye out on, okay?

The CEO who believes that his Apache Enterprise

Resource Planning initiative-- otherwise known as
E.R.P.

I know what the fuck it stands for.

He believes it is, "A", the next wave

in business process reengineering

while the CFO believes it is, "B",

a ridiculous and masturbatory money suck.

Hint: it's probably not "A".

Easy. We throw every model we can think of at it,

and we see which one performs.

Ooh, that would be a really good idea

if it were up and running. Dumb shit.

It's very cute the way you're all sort of learning

at your own pace, but none of this shit matters,
okay?

The only thing that we need to figure out

is what makes them think they can't live without us

for the next three years while we infect the host

and bleed them dry.

Shut up. I'm not drunk.

Hey, Doug, if you didn't hook up with that tranny,

Hey, Doug, if you didn't hook up with that tranny,

then why did you guys leave the club at the same
exact moment?

Why did you... Hmm?

Excuse me,

Can I please get some more warm nuts?

Oh, you always get the tour.

I love the tour.

It's always the best workplace on Earth.

It's--it's goddamn Disneyland.

You know, if it's all so fucking great,

Why are we here?

All the way down that way.

Then there's the moment when you meet the
players.

In this case, the usual megalomaniacal CEO.

Hi, Jonathan. Marty Kaan from Galweather.

Thank you so much for giving us this opportunity.

We are really looking forward to giving you

some pretty enlightening takeaways on your
Apache E.R.P.

You say something like that.

Then he says... Hey, Marty.

Let's do this.

Ah.

And then you've got your rain man-like

Chief Financial Officer.

In this case, Spalding Winter.

He's the guy who's figured out this whole E.R.P.
thing sucks

and he's trying to make his case to Jonathan over
here.

Even though the money is kind of here.

And you've got

disgruntled little management here.

Here we go.

Marty Kaan.

It is a pleasure. -Spalding Winter.

Now the trick.

How do we get these two what they
want...eventually

after taking a shitload of their money?

Oh, and my wife Ginelle.

Forgot my phone this morning.

Hey. Like I have nothing else to do today.

So now...

One second. Jesus.

Fuck...

It's all about leverage.

I leverage the way people perceive me.

Not a whole lot going on here.

Not a whole lot except...

Ginelle likes that black dick.

What are you gonna do?

Nice to meet you.

Marty Kaan.

Oh, hi, Marty.

Hey, oh, we would love to have you and-

Jeannie. Jeannie join us for dinner.

Maybe tomorrow night? Sure.

We'd love to.

So Greg Norbert's got our nuts in a noose.

Anybody feeling like these guys are gonna be our
salvation?

No. And this E.R.F'. better be good

because they are barely hanging on.

You know what, something's been playing

on my mind a little bit.

I'm curious, why do you think that she invited you

and Jeannie to dinner and not me and Clyde?

Are you serious?

I mean, it was a slap in the face.

We were standing right there.

How can you miss this? This is insane to me.

It was like she was saying, "Hey, hey, you
underlings

don't exist or anything,

so why would you like a delicious home-cooked
meal

in our great mid-western mansion?"

it is incredibly rude.

I mean, I haven't had a home-cooked meal

in God knows how long.

Maybe she sensed all she'd get from you guys

were stories about getting head from trannies

and Starwood points.

I did not get head from her, okay?

Whoa!

I got nothing from her. Well...

I've told you a thousand times.

You know what, I'm not gonna--

Ha-ho, I see what you're doing.

I'm not gonna take the bait. Not gonna do it.

Not gonna sink to your level, okay?

And her name is Kiki, by the way.

Jesus Christ.

"Her name is Kiki, by the way."

Goddamn it. Listen, dirty Mommy Winter

wants to fuck me.

She invited Jeannie along to be the beard.

I love the humility.

Thank you. How many times I got to tell

you guys, you got to break this shit down

from the first nanosecond?

Tell me about the CEO Strauss-Robb, go.

Conspiratorial--the wink and the "let's do this."

How about the CFO, Doug?

Well, he liked you.

Doug, the CFO?

Did not like you, let me finish,

because he is against the Apache E.R.P.

which we have been brought in to bolster.

And talk to me about dirty Mommy Winter.

She wanted to fuck you because you got that big
black cock.

Now we just have to collect all those details
together

and use them to our advantage.

Yeah, but you're not gonna fuck her, Marty.

You're not gonna fuck her, Marty.

L---

Hey.

Hide it, hide it, hide it.

Thank you. You're doing the right thing here.

Fuck you.

I think consultants are scum.

But this thing is codezilla.

I was involved with all the simulations,

and if Apache goes live,

IBC goes dark.

We're dark for one week,

Coke or PepsiCo's gonna come in here

and buy us up for pennies on the dollar.

They'll split us up, and it'll be over.

So you do something with that.

We told the decorator, "just design your goddamn
id...

Huh. -You can really see that.

Come sit over next to me.

Everybody looks so huge from down here.

It's so comfortable here.

Hey, say, Ginny, have you had a chance

to give Marty the grand tour of the house?

No. Yes, Marty.

Come with me on the grande tour

of the whole house. -Okay.

And you two can get to know each other better

while we're touring.

Oh, I would love a tour.

You start downstairs with Spalding,

And I will start upstairs with Marty.

Two tours.

It's okay. It's her thing.

You actually want me to follow your wife?

It's what she wants.

What do you want?

I want Apache stopped.

So you think I'm gonna trade banging your wife

for bagging the E.R.P. green light?

No? -Marty!

Look, just go. She's an animal.

Are you all right?

I'm sorry. Size 7 Louboutins, right?

Yup. Dead-on.

You have gorgeous feet. Thank you.

I don't suppose you'd let me rub them.

Um, wouldn't Ginelle object to that?

Nothing weird. Just a foot massage.

I would let a homeless schizophrenic rub my feet.

I'll get my oils.

Oh, my. Oh, my goodness.

This is my naughty room.

I can-- I can see that.

You and I have wanted this

since the second we laid eyes on each other.

So why don't you give me that big black dick of
yours?

Come on.

Do it.

Is this a saddle?

Are you sure this is okay?

Shh.

Let go, Jeannie.

Let go.

Oh, god.

Come on, Marty.

It's fine with Spalding.

This is the accommodation that has been made.

What do you mean, "accommodation"?

Because of Spalding's handicap.

Your husband has a handicap?

His--his microphallus.

I'm sorry, it sounded like you said microphallus.

His microphallus.

His--his--his little man-clit.

His teen-is.

No, don't say teen-is. It's like a teeny, tiny,

little mushroom.

Oh, the guy's got a microphallus.

Oh, that must be so bad for you.

Thank god I have you.

Oh, you nasty.

Oh. Oh. Shit.

Oh, I'm fun.

Oh, you're just strong.

This is gonna hurt. Oh, my.

Whoo!

Whoa, that's attached. Go easy on me.

What is that?

Yeah, that's not gonna work for me.

Really?

Actually,

Um...

Play on.

Oh, yeah.

I'm sorry, officer.

Just go deep.

Ah.

So... Indiana.

Yeah, Indiana.

That was some weird shit.

And my toes are all squishy.

What do you say we just keep this one between us
all right?

Yes, that'd be best. Yeah.

Hey, Spalding.

Hey, Spalding.

Good morning.

Listen, I don't want to put my foot

in my mouth or anything like that-

Oh, good, good. Yeah, but there's

a couple of small details I wanted to go over with
you.

I mean, they're tiny really. Miniscule.

Just about like that.

I mean, wow.

Oh, okay.

She told you.

What if she did?

So, what, I'm supposed to buy your silence

about my condition

by caving on the E.R.P.

and then you won't let it slip on a business website

or speak about it? Shh-ohh-chh.

Right.

Talk to one of my colleagues.

I see.

You know, Marty, people in my position

wield quite a bit of power,

certainly more than you do as a consultant.

Hmm. And I find that anybody

in a position of power is compensating

for something, and I'm sure you've got

some deep, primal wound

that haunts you and drives you.

Clearly from the sounds my wife was making last
night,

it is not your cock size. Well, good for you.

But if you think for a second

that I am going to sell out my expertise

for my pride,

you are mistaken.

I am not backing that E.R.P.

to the board.

Oh, and Marty,

Fuck you.

Neither sides are gonna move on this.

I got nothing.

But we're going in giving full support

for the E.R.F'., right?

With some caveats, delays,

the usual bullshit, that's what we do.

I don't know, man.

What do you mean you don't know?

We gotta have something right there.

Motherfucker. I can feel my gastritis jacking up.

Jonathan.

You got a second?

Don't forget who brought you in on this
engagement.

Mm?

I will not.

You smug shithead, Marty.

I brought you in on this engagement.

Good money. Top fucking dollar.

All you had to do was shut up and let me launch my
E.R.P.

Buddy, it was going to ruin your company.

I'm sorry.

I put my heart and soul into that E.R.F'.

Heart and soul, Jonathan?

Really? Like you have those?

You.

Galweather is off this engagement

as of right the fuck now.

So you gonna go live with Apache?

Of course I am, you idiot.

The board has agreed to back me.

Jonathan, did you ever consider

just this once that all the advice

and the consultants and the simulations,

that they might just be right?

No.

Well, that just happened.

Hey, maybe we'll meet up in some hostile takeover
chat room.

All I know is I'm going to Cabo for a week

before I start job hunting.

Hey, Marty, what the fuck was that?

Marty, look at me. What the fuck was that?

What just happened? -Mira, babies. Mira.

Hello. Hey, James.

It's Marty Kaan.

Yeah, it has been a long time.

Are you on the front nine or the back nine right
now?

Yeah, of course.

Hey, you guys still beating Coke in those blind taste
tests?

You are. Guess what?

Nobody cares.

Yeah, thank you, I am still a prick.

Some things never change.

But you're gonna love me in about ten seconds.

Listen, I just walked out of a meeting at IBC,

and they are about to go live with a deeply-flawed
E.R.P.

And it's...

Yeah, yeah. That's right.

Unstable would be a very nice way to put it.

Yes, against Galweather's advice.

So, listen,

When you scoop this bitch up for about 50 cents,

we would love to come in there

and pimp the place out for you.

Yeah, we have some sick tech solutions

and some pretty enlightening takeaways I think

you're gonna want to hear about.

We will streamline the whole thing, top to bottom,

tell you who to keep,

who to jettison.

Really?

From the start-up right on through.

Yes, that is going to make my partners hard.

Shit, I already got half a boner thinking about it.

Absolutely, Buddy.

I will talk to you soon.

Buh-bye.

Let me see, $3 million piece of business

all before lunch.

That's not too bad, right'?

Unbe-fucking-lievable.

Isn't it?

You had this play the entire time?

You're welcome.

Hold on. No, no, guys, wait up.

Hold on. Someone walk me through what just
happened.

Hey, Doug. -Mm.

You know hooking up with a tranny still counts

towards your hook-up point total, right?

I get points? I get full points?

I can't believe I'm gonna do this,

but, yes, I will give you full points.

What do you got?

All right, listen, before I tell you anything,

you need to know that this is very personal.

Of course it is. Of course it is.

I'm not kidding, Clyde. You can't tell anybody.

I won't tell anybody.

You're like my brother. You know that.

So strictly between you and me?

Yeah. And Kiki.

Come on.

Yeah. And Kiki.

I mean... It's not a big deal.

I was embarrassed. I don't know.

I'll be right back, okay? -Okay.

Excuse me, ladies and gentlemen.

What are you doing?

I have a very important announcement to make.

No, no, no, no, no.

My good friend and colleague Douglas
Guggenheim...

Excuse me, my belt is stuck.

Harvard MBA...

Hey, Dad.

Hey, Buddy.

Hey, guys. Hey.

Hi.

These two the...

God help me.

Hello.

Sure, come on up.

Skip Galweather.

Dad, you told him to come up?

Yeah.

Everything okay?

I'll let you know.

Hey. Hey.

What's up, Skip?

You got a minute?

So, Marty, Greg Norbert has a hard-on

for you that's epic.

Yeah.

If Metro reaches a consensus

with the partners,

he's gonna want to shove you out without a
parachute,

and it's gonna be a bumpy landing,

what with your non-compete clause.

Yeah, well, you know, just give me

some cover on that, right, Skip?

Why the fuck would I do that?

I don't know.

Because I've killed it for Galweather

since I took the job?

It's a relationship business.

We're pollinators.

All right, we go from flower to flower.

We are very sweet.

We gorge on the royal jelly,

and then we quietly buzz off.

We do not use our stingers.

We are all about relationships.

Other people do what you do without leaving a
swathe

of destruction behind them.

Yeah, your numbers are amazing.

But then I--I am the one left behind

spending half my life making nice

with all the people whose lives you've carved up

and gutted.

I like my garden peaceful and quiet

with big, beautiful, blooming buds.

Okay, Skip, listen.

Maybe my style points leave something to be
desired,

Yeah, granted.

I'll try to do better.

I'm sorry.

You realize how long I've known you

and you've never once invited me over here?

Jesus Christ.

Are you fucking serious?

Skip, I have personally put about $100 million

in your pocket,

let alone what I've done for your company.

This shit isn't personal. All right?

It's not about us ever being friends here.

It is to me.

It's personal.

To me.

And that's kind of what matters now.

Isn't it?

Hey, Clyde, what's up?

Yeah, it's Marty.

Hey, what are you doing right now?

Yeah?

Well, fuck that.

We're going out, man.

I got, like, ten, homie.

Numbers? Yessir.

I only got six... Oh.

Teen. Oh!

I think if I could have pumped two more drinks in
her,

I could have closed.

No, listen to me, she was looking at me

with those vagina eyes.

"I need it."You know what I needed?

Is the valet over here? -Stun gun. Hold up.

Wait a minute. -ls the valet over here?

Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

What the hell's going on, man? -Sorry, sir.

Here you go. Making me wait here.

Sorry, sir.

I want it right out front.

Right out front. -Right out front. Yes, sir.

That's okay.

No.

I'm not getting- -Get in this motherfucker, man.

What do you think you're doing?

Okay.

Okay, okay, okay, slow down.

Slow down. Slow down, Marty.

Marty, slow the fuck down. Marty, slow the fuck
down.

What the fuck is wrong with you, Marty?

Slow the fuck down.

Marty, slow down.