House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 2 - Amsterdam - full transcript

My name is Marty Kaan, and I'm a management
consultant.

You're the mad genius we're paying all this money
for?

Every week my team and I go somewhere and talk
people

into thinking they really, really need us.

Are we billing Metrocap for this?

Duh.

Hey, Dad? -Ah, shit. Hey!

What's mom doing here?

You just him flounce around like it's a done deal.

"Oh, well, our son is a tranny for life."

Still don't know exactly what it is we do?



Oops. Time's up.

Got to run. Call me.

Closing...

Closing is the thing I do that sets me apart from
you.

It's what makes me bulletproof.

I can close anybody.

I take my numbers, my models, my PowerPoint,

and I tickle your taint just so.

And you know what?

You open like a goddamn lotus flower, and I'm in.

You hardly even feel it. Am I right'?

I mean, can you see the vista or can't you, Dick?

Uh, yeah, actually, I-I don't know.

Because if--if you can't see that Galweather can lift
you up



from your lowly minus-20 N.P.S.--

Dick, if you don't see that with absolute fucking
clarity,

then your job is shit.

Your life is shit.

Your company will fail.

Your wife, Dick-- she will leave you,

and you will lose everything.

Jesus, Marty.

If you look at it like an investment, okay,

the return on your dollar is literally obscene.

You have to be willing to violate-

violate personal space,

violate manners, violate the law,

hell, violate every molecule so all that's left is the
"yes.".

If we make this deal, if we actually come aboard

do you realize what you'll be getting?

You're getting hope. You're getting support.

Credibility, right? Salvation.

Jesus Christ, Dick, you're getting your company
back

Do you want these things for pennies on the dollar?

Can we make this deal right now?

Dick, at the end of two years, your company

will be as shiny and pink

as the gums of a newborn-

reborn, profitable, stable.

You say yes, and it's all yours, Dick.

Say yes.

Yes. -Yes.

Yes.

Yes.

Okay, just fucking finish. -No.

Okay, okay. You know what?

Time's up. We're done.

Get off. -You want me to stop,

say the safe word. -Stop. How about that?

Say the fucking safe word. -I don't know what the
fucking

stupid goddamn safe word is.

The fucking safe word is "Amsterdam."

You made the goddamn word up. -I didn't-

Why would I fucking make "Amsterdam" up?

Fuck you.

Those...aren't... the...words.

You want to play?

Yes! Come on.

Oh, yeah. Fucking love it.

Fucking love it. You love this?

Get the fuck off me!

Yeah, oh, what's the fucking safe word now?

You fucking tell me.

Oh...my

fucking...God! Oh, shit!

Amsterdam!

So you on the beach?

"On the beach." that's consultant

for "between engagements."

You don't want to stay on the beach for too long,

or else you become a "new alum"--recently fired.

No, I'm not on the beach.

No? -No, I am developing clients.

Ooh, I actually have an engagement starting

in the morning. -Yeah.

Hmm. -And it's huge.

Great.

Uh-oh.

You just had sex. What? How can you tell?

Let me see that dick. -Get the fuck away.

You definitely just had sex.

I just had a client lunch,

Closed a $4 million piece of business--you're
welcome.

Okay, well, unless the client was your penis,

I'm gonna challenge that.

Yeah, you're right. No, he does.

He smells like pussy. Excuse me.

Okay, if you weren't fucking a client,

then who were you fucking?

Yeah, and -hang on- more importantly, do you get
points

towards your total travel hook-up points total?

I mean, does it count if you don't disclose?

Because I think not. I think not.

Calm down. Breathe, baby, breathe.

I'm just saying I just want to know the rules

to the hook-up-- who hooked up with who?

Do you know what I keep smelling?

Chocolate chip cookies. Do you smell that?

Yes, I do smell a bit of chocolate chip cookies.

So do l.

Chocolate chip cookies and aftershave.

Yes, like aftershave-y cookies.

It's vanilla, okay? -Are you serious?

Please explain that.

Would you calm down, all right?

Sol dab a little bit of vanilla

behind my ears every morning--big deal.

Is that a real thing? -Yes.

Do you really do that? Why would you do that?

For the ladies. -I got to tell everyone.

Is that fine? And here I go.

Okay, women associate- -Wait a minute.

Women associate the smell of vanilla with romance-

Fact. -I agree, Doug.

I'm slightly attracted to you now.

Wait, really? -Absolutely not. -God.

Principal Gita. -You always know it's me.

Yeah, that's called caller ID.

Of course, Mr. Kaan. -Go ahead, Gita.

Well, do you have a moment? -Yeah, go ahead.

Well, maybe we should just sit down when you can
come in--

Please, Gita, let's go. What is it?

Ms. Calderon sent Roscoe to the office because his
outfit

was distracting the children.

What the fuck is that supposed to mean?

A group of the class parent body wanted to put a
stop

to Roscoe's unrestrained and joyous disregard

for the gender-specific... cross-dressing...

Y-y-you really want to do this?

You think this is a good idea?

Do you have any idea what you are opening
yourself up to?

Principal Gita? Can I go back to class?

Of course, dear. Go on. -Thanks.

Oh, you got my kid in your office right now?

No, I do not. He just left the office.

Mr. Kaan, I just wanted to lob it out there,

begin the dialogue- -Oh, I'm gonna lob it.

Don't you worry about nothing.

I'm gonna lob it unimaginable places.

It's gonna be like a live hand grenade.

This is gonna be a lot of fun, Gita.

Oh, Mr. Kaan.

I wonder if, in the future,

we could speak in less militaristic terms.

Mr. Kaan?

Marty? -Fucking kidding me?

Skip would love to see you and your team

when you have a minute. -Okay.

What, right now? -Yeah.

Skip To My Lou.

Skip To My Lou.

So you, uh, finally gonna kiss me?

No.

What's up, Skip? -I'm sorry. Was that a joke?

What she just said?

No.

No, the kiss thing.

No, I think you're actually gonna fucking kiss me.

Of course it's a joke. -Ohh!

It's a locker room thing, like

with the guys, "Hey, you gonna kiss me?"

Yeah, yeah, like the movie.

Uh, "Kiss me." "What?"

"Kiss me, I like to be kissed when I'm getting
fucked."

You mean like that?

Yeah.

How can we help you, sir?

We have been in talks with a very powerful sports
franchise

for the past few days.

The Rainmaker has chosen you and your team to
drop in,

very quietly, and do some critical care.

Team.

The Rainmaker-

Marco Pelios, he who shall not be named.

The Rainmaker is the Dalai Lama of management
consulting,

Which is not to say that he's a good person,

just a profoundly effective one.

Marty-

Marty, Marty, Marty.

We've chosen your team for the drop-in.

This is deep cover, black ops.

I'm guessing it's Phoenix. How did you know that?

Because his eyes are open, Skip.

Marty Kaan is awake.

Marty Kaan sees things in 3-D,

360 degrees, all the fucking time.

Yes, sir. There's been a lot of chatter

about Franco and Bridget Colmonares.

Mm-hmm, the divorce-- there's a fight over the
team.

And they've borrowed against the team to the tune

of $100 million, I think. They're close friends of
mine.

So I'd like to see what you can do for 'em.

I mean, don't undercharge them, for God sakes.

Fuck, no. Undercharge? What does that mean?

Don't worry. Don't worry about that.

We're gonna help you out. I have no doubt.

Remember, this is a HALO jump.

"HALO"-- high altitude, low open.

Management consultants love that Special Forces
jargon.

Roger that, sir.

Is somebody making cookies?

Guys! Guys, guys, guys, guys, GUYS!

Oh, my God, I just saw Cat Deeley

getting out of a limo. -Who's Cat Deeley?

What? You're joking. Cat Deeley!

The wildly successful spokesmodel

from So You Think You Can Dance?

I love her. I love her. -Hey.

We get it--he loves her. Long time.

Mm-hmm. I know.

I need some things.

Um, yeah. I mean...

Well, I'm in Phoenix this week, but I--

You're very sweet.

Why don't you just call me when you get to the--

Duh, yes.

You are super funny.

Yeah, okay. Yeah.

All right, bye.

Don't start. Start what?

I didn't say anything. I didn't say anything.

You didn't say anything. I didn't say a word.

I think Jeannie's incredibly mature phone manner

kind of says it all. Eat me.

Did something just happen here?

Pretty sure that someone who Jeannie boinked

is flying to Phoenix. You are so--

Right! You are so absolutely correct

is what she's trying to say! I haven't even talked to
him

since b-school. -Aww, not since b-school.

We're just having dinner. Whatever.

'Cause I would fly to Phoenix just to have dinner
with you.

Definitely.

You're a child.

Where do they stand?

Well, you know, the NBA's looking to move in

ever since mommy and daddy's divorce got ugly.

We just have to figure out a long-term scenario,

as well as a--

Is that Cat Deeley? -That is Cat Deeley.

I'm sorry. Excuse me, Cat?

Yeah.

Hello. -Hi.

Hi. -Hi.

Hi. -Hi.

I just, uh... God, I just--

I just wanted to say... -Uh-huh?

I just wanted to say that I'm such a huge

So You Think Can Dance? Fan. -Mm-hmm.

I really am. Guilty. -Ah.

I just think you're great,

and I-- I mean, 'cause I used to dance.

No. Stop. -A long time ago-

long before I went to Harvard. There. My bag.

That's great.

You know, I have a huge respect for dancers.

Really? -Yeah.

Yeah, me too.

I mean, I did, uh, you know,

I did hip-hop and jazz and... -Uh-huh.

Don't say ballet. -But I also kind of...

Do not say ballet. -Focused a lot on ballet.

Yeah, well, you kind of have to.

Right, the fundamentals. -Yeah.

But I never really did tap.

I always thought that was kind of a feat.

I can krump, if you like krumping.

Really? -Oh, yeah, I kind of--

Oh!

Oh, sh..

Uh... Ah, God.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Mm-hmm.

It's actually really good

to see someone else spill something for once,

because, you know, I'm such a klutz.

You smell delicious, like a...

vanilla latte.

I spilled some here--

just all in this area, if you want to...

Attention, Virgin customers, flight 819 is now
boarding.

I, um--I have to go. That's my plane.

Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Okay. Uh...

Say something to her. -Help with her bags.

She's got a ton of 'em. -Doug.

Go say something. Go now. Go. Go.

This is your chance, go do something.

Doug, go, go, go, go. Do something.

Doug, go pick up a bag. Go help her with her bags.

Are you kidding me? Nice to meet you.

Oh. I'm Cat.

Uh...l... Physical contact, here we go.

Flesh to flesh.

Um...

Uh...so...

Doug, say your name. Say your name.

Say your name. -Doug Guggenheim...uh...

I mean... -Don't look at me.

It can't be real. That wasn't real.

God, my balls are scorched.

You are so much worse than I thought.

Oh, no.

Oh, I think I came.

It says right here the league may just seize

and sell the Huskies.

Shit, man, that is one big, fat asset to blow.

Don't.

You blew it with the dime piece of all time.

And she was rich.

And she dug you.

God, she patted my balls.

God, I just love her so much.

It's gonna be okay. Show me where she patted you.

Show me with my hand where she patted you.

I'm not gonna show you. -I'll just grab 'em.

It's sacred.

Let's see what we got up here. It's probably gonna
be nasty.

I hate it when mommy and daddy fight.

I just want it to be like when we were all a family.

Why can't daddy come live with us?

Oh, 'cause daddy made a baby with the
housekeeper.

Oh, daddy.

We're just gonna install ourselves

as the necessary mediators in this clusterfuck.

They're gonna be in a siege mentality,

so we just have to swoop in and be the liberators.

I talked to a pal of mine who says that the league

is circling right now. We got about a day

to see if there's anything here to salvage.

Then we better rip and roll.

You're late. Late?

Uh, yes, sir, actually, we're ten minutes early,

but you don't have to worry about any of that
anymore,

because we're here now.

We're here to restore your team,

your entire organization, to its former glory

and make it better than it's ever been.

The past is dead.

We're creating the future,

starting right here, right now.

I'm Marty Kaan-- these are my colleagues

from Galweather Steam, and it is time for you

to hand the bullshit to us and get back to the
business

of winning championships. He's too good.

And we're an hour late. And you must be Bridget.

Marco told me to extend a very special hello to you.

And he speaks so highly of you, Marty.

She doesn't know Marco the way I know Marco.

Marco's my best friend. I thought that you alienated

or fucked all your friends and employees.

This is what I'm talking about.

She cannot continue to slander me willy-nilly.

I forget. Is it slander if it's 100% true?

I mean, if I accuse him of serial whore-banging

and fathering a child with our housekeeper of 20
years,

is that slander?

Well, it--l don't know if it's the technical...

Room for interpretation. There's probably text on it.

I mean, it's a good question. We can find out.

What's another word for cunt?

Oh. There's so many, honestly.

I'm not sure. Anywhere you put your filthy junk?

I used to stick it in that sewer of a fucking mouth

you've got, bitch. -Oh, really?

Well, how about if I take it and stick it in your ass?

Gold-digging bitch!

All right, all right. Listen, listen.

I would like to take a process check--

Piss-.

And then let's reset, start boiling the ocean.

We're gonna get this done, okay?

Oh, God, I am very uncomfortable.

Oh, God, I am very uncomfortable.

Honestly, Marty, I'm really more of a numbers guy.

He's right. We're not here for marriage counseling.

Is there any way we get out of this without getting
fired?

Are you guys fucking kidding me?

You bunch of babies, we just stumbled over

a pile of gold bullion.

They're so fucking distracted,

we could practically write their checks for them.

We just got to keep this organization out of seizure.

Now, does anybody have an IQ point that we can
spare

on this thing?

Yes. Okay, I could make up, like,

a sexy excel model, show how the team won't be
bankrupted

by the divorce?

Uh, the team will be bankrupted by the divorce.

Shh. Get on it.

Clyde, start ripping his deck to shit.

Done.

"Deck"--basically a PowerPoint presentation for the
client.

That's what we do-- we make PowerPoint decks,

and we stuff them with numbers

to sell our way of fixing the company

just enough to sell them some more.

Doug, do me a favor. Double-check these numbers

for me real quick. Yeah.

Does that make sense?

Hey, when's this big date?

Tonight, and it's not a date.

Oh, it's a date.

So awesome to see you.

It's really awesome to see you too.

You look...awesome. You do.

I hear this food is actually really good,

and my hotel room is... It's pretty nice.

For Phoenix.

I hear that you are just shredding it at Galweather.

Hmm?

Well, it's very nice to hear that you heard that.

Oh, yeah. All my sources are like,

"Dude, she is all over that shit."

What do you mean your "sources"?

Ah, just people I talk to at Catrell.

Catrell--the headhunting firm?

Yeah. That Catrell.

You know people over there?

Oh, shit. What?

I-I work there.

I work at Catrell. I'm a headhunter.

That's why I called you. Yeah.

I thought you were looking to make a move.

Yeah. No, I know. I know--

Yes, I know you're a headhunter, but I thought--

for some reason, I thought you worked at Boseman.

No. Fuck Boseman.

I hate those pricks.

So, um... What's the job?

So this is a primo opportunity.

Okay, you drop right in at project manager level.

If you stick that landing...

Fast track to partner.

Yeah, I'm on a pretty fast track to partner at
Galweather.

Working under Marty Kaan? Are you kidding me,
Jeannie?

That guy is a fucking sociopath. Marty the con
man?

The only thing he's ever promoted is his own
legend.

I'm prepared to make a prelim tonight.

Well, then now we're talking. -Uh-huh.

Shouldn't we be drinking? -Yes. Paid for by Catrell.

Thank you.

You know, the numbers aren't that bad.

I mean, you know, if it weren't for the divorce,

they could probably just gut it out.

Seriously? Yeah, but hang on.

With the divorce, it's fucking Armageddon.

Look what she's hitting him with on the team
buyout

Where's the $100 million that vanishes off the
spreadsheet?

Yeah, uh, good question. Uh, not really clear.

I mean, it kind of gets transferred around,

goes into operating costs. -No, where does it zero
out?

Give me a second.

Y-y-you're back after the date?

That's-- that's not a good sign.

Can we please skip the part where you mercilessly
skewer me?

I don't think there's a chance.

I don't think we can. I'm so sorry, but we can't.

He is a fucking headhunter.

That's crazy, 'cause I'm constantly

looking for head also-- all the time.

No. Now's not the time.

From Catrell?

It's actually a decent offer too.

The only good thing- -Who's the headhunter?

Derek Fielder.

Let me get this through my head, just real quick.

So you thought it was a date, right?

But he just wanted you for your mind?

That is so sad.

From you? Really? What does that mean?

What does that- -What does that mean?

What does that mean?

Were you not there with your penis this morning?

You came all over the inside of your fucking pants.

Goddamn it, Clyde! Sh--mmm. Ooh.

One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
ten.

All right, I'm fine. I'm fine. You know what?

If you're so fucking smart, Clyde...

Yeah.

Then how would you bag Cat Deeley?

You're asking howl would bag Cat Deeley?

That's right. You. -Easily, that's how.

All right, well, if it's so easy,

Let's make it interesting, then. -Oh, my God.

This is gonna be the easiest money.

I'm on Clyde.

Okay, you want to do this?

Critical assumptions? Data dump?

Put'em up. -No. No, no, no. Uh-uh.

You get nothing. You get none of that.

You get what I got, which is zero, okay?

You're just Clyde Oberhold, you're the lowly analyst

for the number-two consulting firm in the country.

You've just got to close. Go. All I got to do is close.

I don't have to get her grandma to fall in love

with me or anything like that? -No.

Are you fucking kidding me? You just have to fuck
her.

Jesus, he's stalling. Stop stalling.

Here I go. I rent a sick ride.

Yawn.

Like a one-of-a-kind sick ride.

So cliche. -No, come on.

I find her favorite hang, and I just live there.

Live there? You don't have the rest of your life.

You didn't give me a time limit, Doug.

Oh, fuck, Clyde! -You didn't.

All right. She sees the ride, right?

And it's like a vintage Aston-Martin.

Do you see this thing?

I cultivate an air of interesting...

interesting international money.

Oh, all money's interesting, baby boy.

Not to Cat fucking Deeley. Touche.

But then this is-- this is the big part, um...

the big part...that...

What's going on?

I cry loudly... -What?

After a phone call.

See, my, um... My sister just died,

and I was raised by a sister, so I'm more evolved.

Oh, sweetie.

Oh, shit, man, I didn't know that.

Doing the fucking thing, man. Doug!

Shit, I'm sorry. That was very good.

She comforts me. -Yes, she does.

Yeah, for maybe, like, 30 seconds, am I right?

Well, game over. -Whereupon I tell her my sister

would be so proud and happy that I've secured a
fund

for $200 million

to make interesting, character-driven movies.

Holy shit. Wait a second.

Hold up. You're not an actress, are you?

Well, I mean, not primarily,

But a little bit, yeah. -My God, that accent.

It's amazing. -It's from the midlands.

It's perfect. -Thank you.

There's this role. it's sensitive, selfless--

former drug addict-- it's like Ghandi meets

Little Mermaid meets The Notebook.

Vagina, vagina, vagina, vagina.

Sure.

You know what? -What?

We should get dinner and talk about it.

I don't know, I- -Fuck!

I'm going to Istanbul tomorrow.

I help all those homeless kittens find whiskers.

Push it back. They got to be saved.

They got to be saved. I'm so sorry, I can't.

Don't let it be over.

But it's not over. -It's not?

No. -How about this?

Why don't you just come to my suite tonight at
l'Ermitage?

I-I-I don't know. It's all moving so fast.

It's a safe space. I promise you.

We'll just look at each other. We'll laugh.

We'll talk about things. -I love to laugh.

This role is so you.

I mean, I can feel it in my heart.

And I know that Amelia... -Wha--who's Amelia?

Sister.

Sister, I'm sorry. I'll remember.

Oh, my God, I can't believe it.

What? She's here right now.

She's saying yes. Yes.

She's saying yes.

Yes. -Yeah!

Yes! You said yes originally,

and that's why I take money.

And he felt a little hard, by the way.

I'm hard. -So am I.

Doug, I will stab you in the face.

It's 5:00 in the fucking morning.

Listen to me, can I come in?

No! You can't come in. -Okay. Listen.

The 100 million that we couldn't find?

Yeah? -I found it.

It was in an offshore account. He tried to bury it.

What the fuck? -I almost missed it.

Okay. Yeah, uh, W-wake up Clyde and Jeannie.

Yeah, of course. Hey, Doug.

Yeah? -Good job, man.

Okay.

Why the hell are we meeting out here?

I love this arena.

Love, love, love it. Don't you guys love this arena?

Unbelievable. -Beautiful.

How much of your worth is here?

I mean, just how leveraged are you?

Well, with the divorce and everything, um,

This is pretty much it. -Really?

Yeah. I'm all-in.

Well, I just got off the phone with the
commissioner's office,

and they're about to step in and seize all of it.

Team, Husky-Dawgs, t-shirts...

I've been over this with my lawyers,

they can't seize all my assets--

it'd be great if you could take a really long look,

'cause it's happening today. -We read the order.

You'll actually be barred from the premises,

so take one last look around.

And after we disclose the 100 million

that you have sitting offshore, you actually will be
broke--

and we got to disclose.

Wait a minute. What are you talking about?

Now, of course, if that money went back into the
team...

she would get it all in the divorce.

I'd rather fucking burn the money than give it

to that bitch. -The commissioner,

when he asked me if I believed in God,

which I thought was a strange question

coming from a basketball commissioner,

but then he went on to say, because it would take a
miracle

to stop this seizure from going down.

So let's give him a miracle.

You and Bridget are getting back together.

Are you fucking crazy? -Hear me out. Hear me out.

It's a fake-onciliation. -Fake-onciliation.

We're going to construct a public reconciliation

between the two of you, but, privately, you will

completely remain autonomous, personally,
financially.

I have already spoken to Bridget.

She's very savvy, but she's willing,

As long as the parameters are airtight.

We make the announcement in two hours.

Your legal department will draw up the temporary
contracts.

Now, I suggest you two figure out something really
nice

to say to each other when the satellite trucks show
up.

I'm pleased to announce that Bridget and I

are remaining together... -Aw.

...as co-owners of the Phoenix Huskies.

Um, we would like to thank the fans...

Yeah! Oh, there it is.

Drink! Drink! Drink!

Tiny bottles! Tiny bottles!

Oh, and--and we can now focus our attention

on the upcoming season...

So this job offer... Oh, yeah, right.

What's up with that? You gonna take it?

Uh, it's project manager at Collins-Swain. Should I?

I don't know. It's a nice title,

but it's a very second-tier firm.

Uh, what's the money like?

Double what I'm making.

Take it.

I was seriously considering it.

I honestly was, and then something very strange
happened.

Um, they withdrew the offer. Hmm.

Marty-

Huh?

Did you kill it? Did--

Did you kill it, Marty?

Jeannie, if you were me, how would you answer
that question-

Honestly? Yeah.

Why would I kill the offer?

Because I value you and I want you to stay, right?

So then why would I drive you away by turning
around

and admitting that I killed your more lucrative offer?

That doesn't make a lot of sense, does it?

That's fucked up, Marty. Isn't it?

Ohh!The kid is nice, son!

Just running around killing things?

And you can talk to them while you do it.

Like that! Good shot.

That's terrible.

You should hear what he's saying.

Take the headset off.

Couldn't pay me to play that game.

Is somebody paying you to distract us?

I'm out. Lights out in ten, buddy.

Good night, grandpa. -Night, Pops.

Hey, Dad, what's a fudge-packer?

A fud-- why are you asking me that?

Well, Dylan Sanborn said at lunch that I was little--

Dylan Sanborn? Did that kid--

Ha! You're dead!

I was just messing with you, Dad.

You little criminal. Thank you.

Did somebody really call you that?

Roscoe?