House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 12 - The Mayan Apocalypse - full transcript

You can put the drinks down. -These are not for
you...

Put the fucking drinks down!

Whoa. Hey, hey, Jeannie. -Thank you.

Probably not a great idea to be drinking tonight.

It's fucking over. -What? It's not over.

Oh, it's over. -No.

Hey, what we need to do--

is we need to get hammered,

and we fuck the shit out of some interns. -Okay.

Why are you so profane?

Can I get an imminent demise? -Imminent
demise?



Oh, imminent demise?

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. -Can I get an imminent
demise?

Imminent demise!

Imminent demise, imminent demise...

Let it out. ...imminent demise...

Yeah. Yeah. ...imminent demise.

Well, it's true.

They're taking us from a top-tier

global consulting firm to an in-house consulting
group.

Which is bullshit-tonian

for cutting 15/16ths of our workforce.

That ain't good.

And no matter how you slice it...

...it's going to look a little something like this.



Beautiful, man. It's beautiful, man!

It's beautiful!

Welcome to the new economy, America.

Where only the richest, meanest, and smartest
will remain.

Including that motherfucker

who pulled a serious Judas on my ass-- the
Rainmaker.

Oh, yeah, out of all these mean, smart fucknuts
who survive,

I'm not one of them.

I don't think you really want a recommendation
from me,

no matter how glowing it is.

I got so many enemies, it'd be like a death
sentence anyway.

Right, but you would give me a glowing
reference, right'?

Yeah.

Might I get a hint as to... as to what it might look
like?

You got to stop. -Seriously.

What? -Oh, come on. No, one gets inquiries,

one wants to know that one's references are
rock solid, right'?

From whom did one get inquiries?

Oh, my God, no.

No, no, no, no.

Congratulations. -For what'?

Clyde Oberholt has just been named

in the 25 under 30 of management consultants. -
Boom!

Yeah. I know, I'm as shocked as you are.

The 25 most connected, highest earning young
consultants

in the business. -Young consultants in the
business.

You see'? When you believe in yourself.

Maybe I was too obvious a choice. Is that
possible?

Congratulations, Clyde.

Seriously.

Thank you, Jeannie.

One day for you, you know that. -Good job,
junior.

Thank you... I appreciate it.

Straight out of Harvard, right into Galweather.

Maybe that was my problem. You know, the
wunderkind thing.

I didn't have enough of an underdog quality.

It's got to be something in that.

Not Jewish, you know, not from a second-tier
school.

Whoa, anti-Semite, why don't you take a chill

for one second, okay?

Are you kidding me? Fucking pre-schoolers...

Who cares if Clyde just pledged

Sigma Chi?

We're on a plane, it's on fire,

billowing smoke coming out of the engines.

There's a gaping hole in the cabin,

people being sucked out to certain death.

So?

Of course. -S-stupid.

It's just I'm a people person.

No, no, buddy, that's not your thing.

I'm not a people person, I get that, but what
about my numbers?

Would you fuck this if you saw it'?

Whoa. -Yeah, I know.

What, um... -Shark week.

Hi, sycophants.

Hi. -Just putting a bow on my deliverables.

But you, you are the man

I have been looking for. -Me'?

Mm-hmm. -Oh, why'? Thank you... Huh'?

Clyde Oberholt.

Oh, no. Doug Guggenheim.

Oh, no, not you.

You.

That would be me. -Aha. Yeah.

25 under 30, huh'?

Hey, what can I say? -That is an honor. It's very
impressive.

How did we miss you over at Kinsley?

You've actually met me, like, 50 times. -Don't kill
your moment

by making a lot of sounds.

Now, listen, if your pod fails,

you should give me a call.

Sure.

Is Marty in his office?

Uh-uh. Leave it open.

Oh, come on, let 'em talk.

It's not the talking I'm worried about, Monica, it's
the fucking.

No, it's not.

All you care about right now is saving your own
ass.

Okay, you got me.

Mm-hmm.

What do you got'?

What's in it for me?

Maybe you could roll over on that custody battle.

Get the fuck out of my office.

Joking. Jesus.

I mean, I was checking a little bit.

Leads. Do you have anything that I would want?

I may have something you'd be interested in.

But what do you got?

I think you show me yours, and then I show you
mine.

BP is looking at a top down.

'Why is it that I haven't heard about this yet?

Because I'm about to close on the fucker

in two seconds, all right'?

Deal.

Yes.

Okay? -What?

Oh, right, yes.

Galweather Steam has a little bit of a problem.

It's a genuine

pandemic of sexual harassment and
misconduct.

That's it'? -That's it.

I traded BP top down for some grab-ass

at Galweather Steam'?

Monica, every shop has sexual misconduct.

Do you think I don't know about ours'? -Oh.

You know what, I'm going to just get some boxes

and start collecting my shit. Excuse me.

This is a real culture of quid pro quo
advancement

for sexual favors.

And your little boyfriend the Rainmaker is the
head fucker.

He will bang anything with a snapper.

Yes. I'm well aware of Marco's predilections.

Oh, that's okay. You just take your time.

I don't need the machine or anything like that.

Marty, we are talking full-on sex addiction here.

High double digits.

Yeah? -These rumors, they have

a direct correlation between business and
sexual favors.

There's hush money, payoffs.

This could be one sexy class action.

Ooh.

Are you getting horny?

Fuck, yeah. This harassment talk just got me
hot.

Hey, man.

Dad? -Yeah.

You fell asleep, bud.

It's okay. -I fell asleep because I was waiting for
you

to help me on my Mayans report.

Oh, yeah, the Mayans. That's right. I remember.

I didn't let Grandpa help me

because you said you would.

Yeah. I'm sorry.

It's just been real intense at work lately, you
know?

I know, but I have intense times, too.

I know.

I'm going to help you work on it tomorrow, okay?

That's a promise.

Come on, let's go to bed.

The Mayans believed that the world would end
in 2012.

What do you think?

The Mayans were pretty smart. -Yeah?

You better rest up for the Apocalypse then, huh'?

Every week we waltz into companies

just like this one and tell them how to fix their
shit.

Well, this week it's us.

We're the case.

And we are nothing special, ladies.

We are vulnerable to the exigencies of the
marketplace

just like any other motherfuckers.

Now in the case of Galweather Steam

it has come to my attention

that there is a sexual harassment element.

Sexual harassment? Do tell, Obi Wan.

Certain senior partners have been using their
power

and considerable influence

to bang the hotter, younger elements of the
company

in exchange for favorable advancement.

Now that's a big no-no.

Do you think K. Warren is going to want

to pay the scrilla to untangle some messy
lawsuit?

No, sir. -Hell, no.

He's gonna back the fuck up.

So here's what we do: we poison the well.

We bring a class action lawsuit.

We convince Metro Capital to pull out of the
deal.

Then we make this lawsuit go away,

we sweeten the well back up

and we get back to the business of making big
money.

That's the play.

I love that play. How many women'?

Or men. Hold on. Or men. Men get harassed as
well.

You wish. -Yeah, well, that's the rub.

Nobody wants to be first to the dance floor.

I mean, who wants to be Patient Zero in this
case, right'?

So what do we do'? -Well...

first we have to find them, and...

Once we find them, we have to convince them

that stepping forward leads to a shiny, happier
life.

And they're going to get some fuck-you money

out of the deal, too. All right. Jeannie?

Let's do this.

Let's do it. -Okay.

Hey, Rachel...

You know what we haven't spoken about in, like,
forever?

Sexual assault.

Hey, man, I got it from here.

You can go, it's just numbers.

What? What are you...? We'll figure it out.

Start again. Um...

when a man loves a woman... when...

I feel like we haven't talked in so long,

this is so embarrassing. You look good, by the
way.

You been working out? I'll see you, though.

Rumors are flying,

and, uh, I mean, good-looking guy like you?

You're not immune.

So if anybody's hurt you, or abused you...

You're with a friend. Whoops! Okay.

...and I'll be here for you.

Brother from another mother!

Come on! -Hi, Greg.

Hey. -This is, uh, Malina.

Check her out.

I went to the Jeannie store, and I got me a good
one.

Jeannie store'? -Wow. That's right.

Malina teaches at a place called

Yoga Works, and...Come on.

Yoga works, right'? -Yes, it does.

Hi, Malina. I'm Jeannie. -Hi.

Greg. You look super casual.

Super casual.

Well, very astute, Jeannie.

I look casual, I feel casual, and I'm out.

I am through with the banking

rat race. Good riddance.

And guess what?

I'm going to start a little consulting firm

of my very own. -Wow.

Wow is right, because "those who can't do,
consult."

Right, Marty?

Right, Greg. That's right.

Well, I'm sorry about the whole merger thing.

K. Warren's going to rip your company apart

in about 30 seconds. He is a wicked warlock.

He'd out your liver out and eat it for breakfast.

But... moving on, huh'?

Yoga, kite-boarding,

very young women... right, Jeannie? -Malina.

That's Jeannie. -Malina. Jeannie.

It's too bad you missed your shot.

You could've been by my side tonight.

Hey, you know what? You still could. It's not too
late.

What about... you two girls? What do you say?
We could...

No. The three of us...

Greg, that is a terrible idea. -But you gotta ask,
though.

No. I guess you gotta ask.

Hello, hello, hello?

Hello.

Galweather Steam, AKA

Metro Capital's Galweather Group!

The Galweather Group.

You ever hear of ovophagy?

Sharks, in utero,

eat their own brothers and sisters.

The strong survive.

Now, I know that there's been a lot of

speculation about what the new normal will be at
Galweather,

once we have joined forces with the most
powerful

banking institution in the country.

Well...

it's gonna be fan...

fucking...

tastic!

Yeah!

Oh, and will there be some reorgs?

Ohh...

Some counsel-outs?

Ohh...

Yeah, there will be.

But those of you who have stayed the course,

you will be rewarded.

Because we stand by our own.

In fact, right now,

right now, our new CEO,

K. Warren McDale,

is on board his jet

to come here and personally congratulate all of
YOU,

on this...

...this very special night.

None of these women wants to be the first.

We just need one.

I'm telling you, one woman comes forward, the
floodgates-

phew-- open right up.

Okay. I can't be the only one wondering this.

By "dinner attire," do they mean black tie'?

Because I can never tell in LA.

At Harvard, "dinner attire," bam, black tie, you
know.

Who fucking cares, Doug? We're all getting
fired.

Okay. Sure, but...

you at least want to get the dress code right.

What's Wes wearing?

He's working.

Okay.

So, does anyone have any job offers on the
table'?

Nope. -No?

Well, Jeannie's engaged to Richie Rich,

so she doesn't even need a job anymore, right'?

Fuck you, Clyde.

So... any? No? Oh. That's interesting.

That's interesting. Nobody'? Anybody?

Do you want to tell us something, Doug'?

No, I... God, no. I think that would be gauche

But you're twisting my arm, now I feel like I have
to.

I'm not. -Hey, I got an idea.

Why don't you guys get back to fucking work?

Well, actually, you might find this

interesting, Marty. -Not gonna find it interesting,
Doug.

Well, let's find out. Uh, you guys ready for this?

Okay, I'm going to freestyle here for a little bit,

so... just go with me. Uh...

I've actually gotten a pretty sweet offer

from a river-rafting company

on the middle fork of the Salmon River.

Oh, not the middle fork!

Fork, yeah.

So for me, the timing is kind of... perfect.

What about you, Mr. Popular?

I mean, how do I follow that? I'll try. Um...

I have a very interesting bite from Kinsley.

From Kinsley? Really? Yeah.

And I'm architecting a few financial instruments

that would make the entire notion of work so
2012.

Fuck, damn it. Fuck you, Clyde! -Oh, ho ho ho!

You're a fucking thief! -Is this Round Two?

Good idea. All right. -Round Two! Yeah, bring it!

I'm the architect of financial instruments. Me, not
you!

Are you going to start wearing fucking sweater
vests, now?

You wouldn't see me caught dead in a fucking
sweater vest.

Why? -You stole everything else from me!

Hey. Hey. -No, because I'm not...

I'm looking at this case. We got dick.

We got less than dick.

You want to do this shit right now?

You're all gonna be fine.

Everybody here. Scarecrow...

Shithead Kinsley... You too, Blondie.

I'm the one that's gonna be fucked.

Why don't you shut the fuck up

and see if you can find Norma Rae'?

Oh, shit.

Throwing it back tonight, huh'?

Yep.

Very drinky.

Yes. Very, very drinky.

Don't die, okay?

Marty---

Do you know why I'm good at what I do,
Jeannie?

I'm good...

because I read people's behavior.

That's the only thing that makes me different

than all these other jabonies.

I read behavior just a little bit better than they
do.

So you know what I mean when I tell you I've
been reading yours

for the past three days.

You think I don't know that you sold out your
team,

and your boss, and yourself?

You think I can't see that gaping, sucking hole

in the middle of you that you call a soul?

I got the same fucking one, Jeannie, okay?

You're trying to fill it up by

sleeping with this fucking prick?

Look, I'm not going to blow you up, okay?

I'm not going to tell you how to play it,

I'm not gonna burn down your life,

I'm not gonna try to fuck up your wedding.

But...

you did not do your team any favors.

You going somewhere?

When you tell this story later,

make me sound good, okay?

I would like to make a toast...

to some of the women at Galweather...

who, when they stand with me

will indicate that they are part of a class action
lawsuit

against Metro Capital's Galweather Group.

Or whatever the fuck it's called.

Most of whom have slept with the Rainmaker;

Marco Pelios...

our fearless leader...

and, and quiet driver of the hostile takeover.

Vroom-vroom.

I know I did...

sleep with him.

Especially when he promised

my fast rise to partner.

Didn't you all feel special, too?

Ladies'?

Oh, come on...

So, dude, mad props for all of this boning and
betraying

while still managing to do quite a bit of business.

You are Slutticus!

There's, like, 20 complainants.

Yeah, it's a Fuckapalooza, Kenny.

Oh, seriously, it's a boner bonanza for the
Rainmaker.

All right, yes, yes, Greg, I hear you.

Two years of bad PR, at least.

It's a goddamn deal breaker.

Tell him to turn this son of a bitch around!

He turned the plane around.

The merger's dead! Namaste!

It's stunning, really...

...how something as simple as man's desire for
pussy can undo

entire civilizations...

or even hostile takeovers.

Good-bye, you scary motherfucker.

Ch, Marty!

Gotta hand it to you, man.

You fucked me good. -No!

Oh, yes! Marco, I did not fuck you.

This is just getting even.

Oh! Your daughter, her I fucked good.

I think it was pretty good.

She was screaming a lot.

Courtney? Rose tattoo on her ass cheek?

Motherfucker... -There you go.

You son of a bitch mother...! -Oh, shit!

Are you...? -We need to...

What'?

Um...

Are you...? -Fuck.

What'?

I... -For me...

...have been feeling very insecure.

Uh-huh.

Um, join six billion other people.

I, uh...

I've been insecure and... dishonest.

Oh, Christ, are we gonna have one of these
kinda talks where every...'?

And I... I have been behaving badly.

Well, that-that doesn't sound like a, uh, a good
sign.

And I'm not ready to get married.

Or be engaged, or live with you. -Whoa-whoa-
whoa! Oh.

Seriously?

But I really like being with you.

"I like being with you"?

"I like being..."'?

That's really sweet and all,

you know, your whole struggle that you're going
through.

Truthfully, for me, I'm not that surprised by it.

I kind of always saw you as my B plan.

Do we really think

that my parents were ever gonna sign off on

a beauty queen runner-up from Spokane?

My family owns a fucking baseball team.

That's what they do for fun.

Your family.

Right.

So fuck you...

and your little existential problems.

Don't sell yourself short.

Oh, I... I was your A plan.

And I messed up.

Hey.

It's a crazy-ass night, man.

You going somewhere?

Where's Roscoe?

He went to stay with his mother.

He didn't mention anything to me about a
sleepover.

No, Marty,

he went to stay with Monica...

for the foreseeable future.

What'd he...? Did he say something to you?

He said... you made him feel like the Mayans
were right.

Well, I don't give a shit, okay?

She can't just take him, Dad.

She can't. We haven't even had the custody
hearing yet.

No, no, Marty, she didn't take him.

He went.

Well, he can't.

He can't.

I don't give a... He can't fucking do that.

I'm-I'm gonna get a court order. -Marty.

What'?

You gotta let him play this one out.

You got to.

I'm gonna go, uh...

...spend some time at my condo,

give you some space, hmm?

Dad...

I don't want space.

Yeah, well...

I'm gonna give you some anyway.

I'm sorry, son.

So you blew up your life for the job, huh'?

You blow up your life every day for the job.

That's true, I guess.

Does that mean one day I'll be like you?

One day.

Girl, you are already like me.

Well, I'm gonna take that as a compliment,

knowing what a high opinion you have of
yourself.

How else could you take it'?

Hey-hey-hey!

Hey-hey-hey! -Are we doing shots?

Who wants to do some shots?

Shots, shots, shots.

To the blower-uppers.

To the motherfucking blower-uppers.

Come on. Pour me one.