House of Lies (2012–2016): Season 1, Episode 1 - The Gods of Dangerous Financial Instruments - full transcript

Marty and The Pod travel to New York to consult for MetroCapital, a mega-bank that is looking for a plan to unscrupulously justify taking their year-end bonuses as the financial world ...

Ah, fuck.

[Upbeat music]

Wake up.





Try this.

[Grunts] Oh, fuck.

Hey, dad.

Oh, shit. Hey.

Grandpa's making French toast.

What's mom doing here?

Oh, your mother, she...

She had some work to do.

Why is she asleep?

It was hard work.

Should I tell grandpa
to make her French toast?

Oh, absolutely not.


[Helicopter whirring]

[Door slams]

[Upbeat music]


your ex...Wife.

Monica, can you please
get out of here?

Where is here?

It's my place.

How many pills did you
have last night anyway?

[Grunting] Which flavor?

Baby, this isn't
gonna happen again.

What did happen last night?

What did you think happened
last night?

Oh, I smell French toast.

Yeah, but you can't have any.

You have to get out.

Come on.

After what you did to me
last night...

Why not?

Because you're a sociopath
and an addict,

and I can't even look
at you right now.

Right back at you, sweetie.

- Yeah.
- [Laughs]

Good-bye, boys!

Bye, mom!


Love you.

Hey, dad, sit down and eat.

Lost my appetite.
[Door closes]

Bet you're hungry, though.

Oh, yeah, I'm starved.

Auditions are today.

- For what again?
- Grease.


And what part are you


The part immortalized
by Olivia Newton-John.


That's great, bud.

Think you got a shot?

Brittany Kauffman
knows all the songs,

but she looks like a pug.

Well, great, go for it.

I bet you're gonna kick
that little pug's ass.

- Dad...
- Damn right.

I gotta poo.

- So I just--
- Yeah.

Just like it was
any part in any play.

Yeah, 'cause dressing up
like a slut

and trying to get John Travolta
to fuck you,

that's just like trying out for
the little league, right, dad?

Oh, you wanna fuck him up
about it,

just lean on in,
call him a Nancy boy.

He's looking for me
to push back.

He's looking for a little
positive attention.

All right, super shrink.


Yes, exactly.

So why don't you go play dominos
or something

and stop trying to tell me
how to raise my kid.

Maybe I wouldn't
have to be here

if he had one fit parent
between the two of you.

[Chokes and laughs] Really?

I mean 'cause you were
an awesome parent.

All right, look,
I guess your mother and I

- could have done a better job.
- Dad.

- I gotta go to work.
- Ha.

I actually have a real job.

Since when is management
consulting a real job?

Since it pays
seven figures a year.

Hey, dad,

are you gonna see a Broadway
show in New York?

I don't think so, buddy.
I got a lot of work to do.

Well, when you get back,
can we go shoe shopping?

Yes, shoe shopping
this weekend.

Thanks, dad.

- Love you.
- Love you too.

If we don't stick the landing
on this one,

our pod could be eliminated.

Hey, no pressure.

So what are they looking for?

They're looking for
a market position.

Like they don't already
have one.

They're masters
of the fucking universe.

You know, it's like my econ
Professor at Harvard

- used to say to me...
- Oh, my God.

"Never examine the motives
of the guys

writing your checks."

Unless you say something
that supports the position

they're secretly hoping
we advance.

Yeah, but what's the objective?

They want us to tell them
that they're prefect.

Look, fuck what they want,

Consulting's like dissing
a really pretty girl

so that she'll want you more.

We need them to think
they're almost perfect,

so we can book that afterwork.


Afterwork, really, is the goal
of all consulting.

Get them on the tit,

thinking that their business
is gonna fail without you.

They hire you week in
and week out.

That's millions and millions
in billable hours.

That's what we want, baby.

[Speaking indistinctly]


Doug, chew.

God, sorry.

Don't take another bite.

I can't help it.
It's really good.

Here's the thing.

These guys are just looking for
a way to justify their bonuses.

And why shouldn't they?

Because they robbed
the American public

of billions of dollars
by selling them bad mortgages?

- Oh, boo-hoo.

So who are the players?

The CEO of Metrocapital
is K. Warren McDale.

But his little yapping spaniel
is Greg Norbert.

It's gonna be about scoring
with Norbert.

But he knows that.
We can't suck up to this guy.

We got a alpha-dog his ass.

Marty, we cannot get counseled
out on this job.

Counseled out.

That's consultant for fired.

It's not good.

Look, she's basically
giving it to you.

She wasn't.
That's not true.

Come on, I'm gonna figure
it out one of these days,

your dirty little secret.

- You are?
- Yeah.

- My secret?
- That's right.

Whatever it is.

- I mean, I know about the baby
thing, but--

- What baby thing?
- The baby thing.

You want to have a baby.

- I mean, after I make partner.
- Yeah. But when we got drunk

in Pittsburgh that time,
you said...

- What?
- What did you say?

You wanted to...
Fuck, what was it?

- Oh, my God.
- It was terrifying.

Oh, harvest!

You wanted to harvest
your eggs.

You know what?
You have no soul.

Because you didn't wanna
depend on a man.

I never said that.
But it's true.

That's some control freak
shit, Jeannie.

You got to look at that.

[The Beastie Boys'
Pop Your Balloon plays]

♪ Pop your balloon,
pop pop your balloon ♪

♪ pop your balloon,
pop pop your balloon ♪

♪ pop your balloon,
pop pop your balloon ♪

♪ pop your balloon,
pop pop your balloon ♪

♪ we come together up on the mic
and rock it ♪

♪ we got styles ain't none
of y'all can top it ♪

♪ we in the cut and,
yes, we in the pocket ♪

♪ we're getting down
and that's right, that's right ♪

♪ that's right,
that's right, that's right ♪

Oh, my God.
I have a deep feeling of dread.

Don't start that shit, Doug.

I gotta say,
the man is on to something.

These guys are animals.

They created
the subprime meltdown,

and now they're
cashing in on it.

They are taking their spoils
in the form of

outrageous bonuses
like any good robber baron.

Marty, they're gods of
dangerous financial instruments.

You think they're just gonna
let us walk out of here alive?

You're forgetting
they think they need us.

Thank you, Jeannie.

Now, why don't you
sweet young maidens

go inside
and change your panties

and see if we can find a cube
farm for the data dump.

Data dump--
That's the actual information.

The numbers, the dirt.

Everything else is horse shit.

Except perception, which is
horse shit you can leverage.

All right,
let's go get this money.

I'm gonna take a stroll,

see if I can get a feeling
for the corporate culture.

Hi, good afternoon.

- I'll just
sneak in here real quick.

I'll take care of it from here.
And this is my mobile.

You can call me whenever you
want and we'll see what happens.

- She won't call.
- We'll see what happens.

- She won't. Thank you.
- Sorry.

Hey, are you from Galweather?

- Yes, I am.
- Marty Kaan?

- Yeah.
- Greg Norbert.

- Greg Norbert.
- Yeah. I need you right away.

McDale wants you
in a strategy session.

- Did you say Greg Norbert?
- [Chuckles] Yeah, I did.

- [Laughs]
- Yeah.

That's all right.

- [Laughs]
- What?

- Huh?
- What? No...

- Nothing.
- What?

You hear things...

And then you put a face
to a name.

It's-- it's interesting.

All right, Greg.
Where are we?

You wanted a five-minute
blue-sky with Galweather.

I thought we hired a team
from Galweather?

No, you did.
You did.

They're in the other room
waiting for the data dump.

I can go bring them in
if you'd like.

You're Kaan?

You're the mad genius we're
paying all this money for?

Well, why don't you just tell us
what you're thinking?



[Clears throat]

Metrocapital, as is,
is a work of art.

It's a Giotto, a Rembrandt.

So how do you make improvements
on a masterpiece?

So the germane question

is where do you feel you're
headed as a company organically?

Because, look,
the pod remains convinced

there's a burning platform,

but we just don't
have a bandwidth

to go into a black factory

and blow up the paradigms
with a white paper.

[Laughs] We don't have it.

You think I haven't
hired and fired

a thousand management

I know all of your
bullshit tricks.

You get me a dog that hunts...

Or I'll put a bullet
in its head.


All right, Greg, what's next?

Well, let's look at
the numbers.

We're fucked.

I mean, we're gonna get
counseled out.

I can feel it.

Oh, my God, Doug.
Shut up.

You gotta shut the fuck up.

Why don't we just pitch
massive layoffs, right?

It usually
freaks everybody out,

gets the attention off of us.

They don't need
massive layoffs.

It doesn't matter.

Yeah, Clyde, put together
a radical right-size proposal.

We'll have it in our pocket
in case we need it.

[Phone tune plays]

Hello, principal Gita,
is everything okay?

Yes, Mr. Kaan, lovely.

It's a beautiful sunny day...

Yes, but I'm in the middle
of something. Can you--

Well, we had the auditions
for grease today.

Yeah, I heard.

And Roscoe was outstanding.

Hi, good to see you.

And Mrs. Borsiczky
decided to use him as Sandy.

And that's great, isn't it?

But another Sandy,
Brittany Kauffman--

- Yeah, the pug.
- Pardon me?


Brittany was very disappointed.

Brittany's mother
made the point

that the part was given
to a boy

and that there are plenty of
boys' parts in the show.

Listen, he didn't audition
for a boy's part.

He auditioned
for the part of Sandy.

He wants to sing summer nights
and wear poodle skirt, okay?

And he got the part of the Sandy
'cause he was the best Sandy.

And now Brittany Kauffman's mom
can't stand it

that her little baby
isn't getting

every goddamn thing she wants,

so she's off on some kind
of a gender witch hunt.

Well, perhaps
you could come down.

Gita, listen.

My boy got the part of Sandy,
he's gonna play Sandy.

Mr. Kaan?


It's one of the pink ladies,

So, tell me more.
Tell me more.

Did she put up a fight?

[Laughs] Look, let's get
the fuck out of this fish bowl

and see if we can find
some $1,000-sushi joint

that we can bill
these assholes for.

All right, just tell me this.
I'm curious.

Why is it so important to you

that I have some crazy secret

that you're always
trying to figure out?

Oh, well.
It's just 'cause I've,

you know, analyzed it using my
very powerful regression model,

and there's an 87% likelihood

that we're gonna
sleep together, so...

- Ha!
- Yeah, it's true.

So we should just
get to know each other...

- Grossly inaccurate.
- Get comfortable with the idea.

- Wow.
- Avoid all that awkwardness

later, like, "oh,
can I use your toothbrush?"

- No.
- You want pepper on that?

Is your poop-chute an option?

- Oh, my God.
- What?

It's so interesting,
because when I look at you...

- Uh-huh.
- I honestly see sometimes

like a decent-looking,


You know, employed,
if over-educated guy...

Thank you.

And then...
You open your mouth,

and the damage
just spills right out.

And, Marty, I was
a business psych major,

and I don't even wanna
tell you what I see.

That sounds bad.

No $1,000 sushi, but they do
have Vienna sausage and dip.

And pussy.

Jesus Christ, Doug,
are you kidding me?

- What?
- You have absolutely no grace.

- I'm looking.
- These are young women.

Are we billing Metrocap
for this?


♪ Open up wide ♪

♪ lemme show you
what's it made for ♪

♪ like a finger,
like a donkey ♪

♪ lemme see you play,
play with your monkey ♪

♪ damn,
cause your ass so chunky ♪

♪ bring it here, sweaty, 'cause
I love it when it's funky ♪

Let's spend their money.

♪ Come, girl, I'm tryin'
to get your pussy wet ♪

♪ work that,
let me see you drip sweat ♪

♪ gon' play with it,
gon' play with it ♪

♪ gon' play with it,
gon' play with it ♪

♪ gon' play with it ♪

♪ work that clit ♪

♪ come, girl ♪

♪ we gon' get busy tonight ♪

♪ ♪

[Both laughing]

- Whoo-hoo!
- You got it?

- Yeah, I'm good.
- Okay, okay.

Ooh. I know that this
relationship started off

as more of a transaction,

but what if I'm really falling
in love with you?

Oh, wow, none of my customers

have ever
fallen in love with me.


Or projected
any crazy shit onto me.

- I'm gonna be your first?
- Uh-huh.

Oh, shit.

Come on.

I'm starving.

Hey, give me a double.

- [Laughing]
- Oh, man.

It's cold out there, man.

- I got it.
- You got it.

Hey, Marty.





Somebody stayed out late.

Up a little early.

Are you gonna introduce me
to your, uh...

- Your, uh...
- Wife.

- Wife?
- Your wife.

- His wife.
- My wife.

Oh, yeah.
No, you didn't, uh...

You didn't mention that you
brought your wife.

- Oh, I thought that I'd--
- Baby...

I thought
that I had mentioned that.

No, I don't remember
that you mentioned it, no.

- It's, uh...
- April.

- April.
- April.

- Yeah.
- It's nice.

I'm Greg Norbert.
Nice to meet you.

Hey, Marty, I like how we both
went for the trophy wives.

- Air boom!
- Boom!

- Boom!
- Boom!

So I'm just getting
a cappuccino,

doing a half marathon
before work.

- What about you guys?
- Oh, um...

Before everything
gets too hectic,

we like to have
a little us-time.

A little us-time, Greg.

Oh, sweet.
You guys newlyweds?

Hey, fuck it.

Hey, I got an idea.
Double date tonight.

Steaks and cocktails
to go over our takeaways

for the big guy tomorrow.
What do you say?

- Say yes.
- We've got that, uh...

Resistance. Don't resist me.
You'll break my heart.

- This is the way it's done.
- We'll be there, Greg.

Man, I like her, Marty.

She's a keeper--I like her
more than you like her.

- And see you guys, tonight.
- All right, Greg.

Take it easy, buddy.
Wait a minute, listen.

This isn't a fucking game,

These guys
are gonna eat you alive.

We'll see about that.

[Distant siren blaring]

These guys are fucking evil.

I think
we're completely screwed.

No, we're not.
You gotta trust daddy.

When he comes in here,
he's gonna kill it.

Speak of the devil.

Jesus Christ.

He's in the same
fucking clothes.

- Kiddies.
- Hey, daddy.

What could you possibly
be doing here this early?

Not banging strippers?

Good answer.
But it just so happens

that I had a very important
pre-dawn meeting

full of strategery
with one Mr. Greg Norbert.


And we are--
Is that coffee?

- Yeah, I--
- Having dinner tonight

to put our last bits
of spit and Polish

on our presentation
to Mr. McDale.

Thank you.

Hold on. You're
having dinner with Norbert?

- Absolutely.
- That's great.

Mm-hmm. He's very anxious
to meet my wife.

Your what?

Here's the thing.
You don't have a wife.

Ha! Please tell me you're not
bringing a stripper

to a business dinner.
Stripper wife.

- Why am I high-fiving that?
- Yeah.

Oh, is that me?

I would rather work at Arby's.

That can be arranged,
Jeannie bean.

All right, let's get busy.

We need to pull every nasty
thing anyone in the world

has ever said about
Metrocapital fast.

- How would that possibly--
- Just trust me, please.

Trust you.

Fuck me.

Hmm, hi sweetie.

- Fuckin' double-booked.

Double-booked is not good,

especially when you're the ones
they double-booked on.

Especially when the company
they double-booked

is the number one firm in
the country to your number two.

Especially when they employ
your crazy ex-wife

who you just angry-banged.

Probably the best fucking closer
in the world.

You know, getting double-booked
on is one big fat fuck you.

Yeah, I'm sorry.
That's never fun.

It doesn't really happen to us,

but from what I understand,
it's a real bummer.

Oh, it just
happened to you, baby.

Just because
they double-booked

doesn't mean
they shit-canned us.


So, Olivia Newton-John, huh?

- Wow, super-mom.
You're in the loop.

Well, you know,
he still loves me,

even if I forget to love him.

You just let him flounce around
like it's a done deal.

Oh, well, our son
is a tranny for life.

He's experimenting
with different expressions

- of gender identification.
- Oh, my God.

I can actually see your dad's
hand shoved up your ass,

working your mouth
like a little sock puppet.

He keeps the kid sane,
you fucking psycho.

Good luck, cunties.

Which one of you is she fucking?
Or is it a group thing?


Fair enough.


Can I ask you some questions
about these guys?

How long have you lived
out here?

- You look good.
- You too.

Do I look like a stripper?

[Laughs] No.


Come on.

Thank you, Greg.

You got all you want?
Look that that.

- Oh.
- Boom.

Kaboom, kabab, kadunk.

Oh, there we go.
Look it, that's the timing.

- That's the secret to...
- Lovely.

I can tell you do
a lot of pilates.


A lot.

Almost nonstop.

I can tell.

So Marty,
what do you got for us?

Anything dazzling?

All the guys
in the consulting biz

say you're the guy
for outside the box.

Now, why do people say
"outside the box"

to describe outside the box

when the term "outside the box"
is so inside the box?


All right,
I'm gonna go to the ladies.

I'll go with you.

All right then.

Oh, Marty, she's insanely hot.

Well, Rachel is also...Foine.

Yeah, she's a dead lay.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah.

Dead on arrival.



What about Greg?

I woke up
a week into the marriage

and realized
I really like girls

in a way
that isn't part-time.

[Pearls clattering] [Gasps]

Nobody's is getting fired.

Look, I am pulling for you.
I'm 100%.


But McDale thinks
Kinsley-Johnson's gonna deliver.

Why them and not us?
Is it a ranking thing?

They're ranked one,
we're ranked two?

You know, it's because
they're the firm

that does the ranking, right?
You know that, right, Greg?

I look at the proposals
side by side-- That's all.

He's leaning towards

I'm not gonna lie to you.
I don't wanna bullshit you.

I don't want you to get

But here's the thing Kinsley
doesn't know--

He's already thinking about

a three-year transitional

That's a shitload afterwork.

Does McDale put any stock
in your opinion?

- Oh, yeah, fucking-a.
- Okay, good.

Then you're not influenced
by which way he's leaning.

He's the CEO of the company.

Jesus Christ, Greg,
does any original thought

happen inside that sterile
fucking environment,

or is it just a bunch
of you guys ass-licking?

- There's no ass-licking.
- Are you your own man?

I'm my own man!


Your hair is all...


I thought you guys fell in.


Girl talk.

I can't believe they haven't
stormed the building

and strung you all up
by the nuts.

- Oh, give me a break.
- I agree!

Oh, please.

Hmm? Hmm?
Right? Right? Yes.

A bunch of fucking babies.

I mean, they love us
when the market's firing,

and every dumbshit community
college dropout

has a mortgage and an Escalade.

Oh, God, nice, Greg.
You fucking elitist.

It's fucking--
It's true, man.

They can't handle it
when the shit bottoms out,

and they have to actually
use a brain cell

to make a fuckin' dollar!

I mean, cowboy the fuck up!

- Yeah.
- Hey.

You are such a pig.

I'm a pig.
Oh, you have--

Well, you know, I don't see you
complaining about the cars,

the houses, and the netjet
and the boat...

- No, no, no...
- Not the boat.

She made me come more in
a toilet stall in six minutes

than you have
in the past three years!

What the fuck are you saying?

I was squirting, Greg!

- Oh, my God.
- What?

[Whispering] What is squirting?

You what?

Well, this is...

It was really nice to meet you.

I'll see you tomorrow
at the office.

- What the fuck are you--
- I have to--

- Oh, take it easy, guys.
- Take your hands off me.

Let go, let go of me.

My fucking eye!

- Stop it.
- Fuck you.

Let go of my leg!

I'm my own man.

So, Jeannie, you, uh,

said you didn't wanna tell me
what you saw the other night.

I'm a big boy.
Tell me what you see.

- Not now, asshole.
- Why not?

Because I wouldn't want you
to head butt me or anything.

Or you only do that
to the client?

Oh, come on, tell me.

Best shot.

All right.

Someone who is so afraid
that they can barely function.

Let alone have an authentic
moment with another human being.

And so you insulate yourself
with your numbers

and your models
and your formulae.

You got me.

- You know what the real fear is?
- What?

That some earnest barnard grad
is gonna try to use

their overpriced bullshit
therapy on me.

- It's Columbia.
- What?

It's Columbia.

- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, remember that foolproof
computer model

that told you
that we were gonna have sex?

Yes, I do.
Doug helped me with that.


Okay, here's the deal.

In order for a computer model
to be worth a crap,

it has to begin with
credible information.

And, for starters...I am never
gonna sleep with you.

And you know all your fear
and self-loathing

and "I'm a piece of shit at
the center of the universe"?

That's about
your mom's suicide, Marty.

- Who the fuck told you--
- I guessed.

Clyde told me.

[Sighs] Well...

We're definitely
gonna sleep together now.

Pity bang.



Good luck.

Oh, they were good.

But you got dressed up
so pretty,

let's give this a shot.


We're running over,
so let's keep this moving, huh?

Oh, absolutely.

This shouldn't
take a lot of time,

because I'm not gonna do
the whole hand job thing

that the Kinsley group
just did,

you know, stroke the shaft,
cradle the balls,

maybe a finger up the ass,
Greg, squirt?

Now, I'm sure that they told you
that Metrocapital is synonymous

with ethical trading and that
legally, you can't be touched.

They told you to just do
some image spots,

go ahead and take
your bonuses, right?

Let me know how that goes.

Those on wall street
cannot resume taking risks

without regard
for consequences.

Too many were motivated only by

the appetite for quick kills
and bloated bonuses.

I think it's as serious
a situation

as this country has faced
since the great depression.

And I lost my job and...

We lost our house as well.

I had a beautiful
four-bedroom home.

You're paying off, like,
fat bonuses to everybody else.

I am so angry.

Now we have to use
their college funds

to pay the debt on a house that
we don't even live in anymore.

McDale and his Metrocapital

you should be ashamed
of yourself.

I don't hate anybody,
but he's close.

can go fuck themselves.

Two great big fuck yous.

[Mouthing] Fuck you.

Fuck off.

Those bastards
at Metrocapital--

Fuck you all.

Thanks a lot.

America fuckin' hates you.

I don't know what the hell
is the matter with you.

Look at the screen.

Get them out of here.

Oh, come on, K. Warren.

Just look at the actual
"amnesty program."

I'm not interested
in any amnesty program.

Well, you're definitely
interested in something.

I mean, otherwise,
why would you be looking at

a three-year transitional...

- Transit--

- D-- No?
- Uh--

Oh, it doesn't matter.
I'll take it from here, Greg.

[Clears throat] Now,
we've spent the last few days

crawling up the heiny-end
of Metro-Crapital

and back out its mouth.

We know that you are
on the verge--

And it is a very real verge--

Of watching Joe six-pack
and hockey mom

take their meager earnings

We are looking at a potential
40% falloff in customer loyalty.

Now, that is roughly
$940 billion

on an annual amort.

Which will, of course, mean
a crippling domino effect

to your wholesale business,
so, you know...

Exponential ouchies.

Now, you may not care
about these customers--

[whispers] I know I don't.

But the fact remains
if they jump ship,

you will have nothing to finance
your little sorties

into the land of risky
and potentially lucrative

financial instruments.

So what are you gonna do?

You're gonna puss out, flee
to your houses in St. Barts,

hire a private security force?

Not just yet.
After the announcement,

we will roll out
the amnesty applications.

We estimate an initial
surge to market

of about 17 million applicants.

And after the initial

we're left with about
9 million remaining.

Then the applications
will go through processing

with another 8,800,000

Nearly half of which will be due
to good old inertia

and lack of follow-through.

Then a final fraud comb
will go through

along with the series
of technical DQS--

6% mortality DQS.

It's your basic
bump and grab, guys.

You have a mark--
The customer.

A jostler bumps into them,
creates a distraction.

That's the amnesty program.

And the grab--that's you all
taking your bonuses

while they're all admiring
your amnesty program.

By the time
all the paperwork's in,

you'll pay out about 50,000
full writedowns.

- Total cost?
- About as much as

- your Kinsley image spots.
- When can you implement?

We can schedule a press
conference for Monday morning.

[Whispers] Your bonuses?

Belly up,
and take 'em Monday afternoon.

Galweather and stern will walk
you through the entire affair.

And while you're at it,
K. Warren,

enjoy your time in the sun

as America's newest hero.

Can you feel me?

[Star Spangled Banner plays]


This is it.

This is the moment.

The moment...Like when
you're deep-sea fishing

and you feel it on the line--
Tug, tug,

bang...Big one, baby.

The moment
when you have the guys

who have the world
by the balls-- by the balls.

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ here we go ♪

Wait a minute.

I never pegged you
for a hugger, K. Warren.

Call me Kenny.

[Applause] I knew it.

I knew it.
You had it in you.

Home run.

Is this woman
even gonna show up?

Because this is really

I mean, I can just put you
in touch with my lawyer.

Do you understand me?
[Door opens]

Oh, my God.
I'm so sorry I'm late.

The traffic was terrible.
Sweetie, have a seat.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- You must be Marty.
- I am.

- Hi.
- Hi.

[Both chuckle]

- Here you go, grandpa.
- Oh, thank you.

[Clears throat]

I talked to principal Gita
and Brittany's mom.

And we decided that
the best thing would be

if Brittany...Played Sandy
and you played Rizzo.


She can't play Sandy.

And Rizzo's a slut.
She should play Rizzo.

Have you seen her?
She looks like Shaq.

That's because
she's a fat lard.

Yeah, well.

But I got the part of Sandy.

It's not fair.

Life is full of
unfair moments, bud.

I'm sorry.

You're gonna be
a great Rizzo, though.

I'll be her understudy.

Then I'll fuck her up somehow.

Watch your mouth.

That's the spirit.

♪ 'Cause he sounds
like a drag ♪

- ♪ shoo-bop, bop,
shoo-bop, bop ♪

♪ shoo-bop, bop,
shoo-bop, bop ♪

♪ shoo-bop bop,
shoo-bop bop ♪

♪ shoo-bop bop, yeah ♪
- That's my boy.

♪ He got friendly,
holding my hand ♪

- ♪ while she got friendly ♪
- Ow!

♪ Down in the sand ♪

♪ he was sweet,
just turned 18 ♪

[Moaning, grunting]
Oh, my God...

Oh! Mother...

Aah! Aah!


♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪

♪ tell me more, tell me more ♪

♪ ♪

♪ tell me more, tell me more ♪

[Cheering and applause]



[Man shouting]

[Razor whirring]

[Phone tune plays]


Wow, could you not answer
the phone with yeah?

- It's very impolite.
- Oh, yeah.

You know being polite's
all that matters to me.

4:30 A.M. pickup
tomorrow morning.

- Omaha, right?
- Mm-hmm.

It's beautiful
this time of year.

Oh, yeah.
Paris for the obese.

All right.

Hey, Jeannie, uh...

Listen, do you think...

Am I, uh...


I'll see you tomorrow.

[Phone beeps]

♪ You're gonna know my name ♪

♪ by the end of the night ♪