House of Cards (2013–2018): Season 2, Episode 4 - Chapter 17 - full transcript

Step right up. Step right up.
You won't believe your eyes.

Step right up and see
the amazing half man, half clam.

What a rip-off.
It's just Kim Cattrall sitting Indian style.

Boy, they've got some very unusual prizes
at the carnival this year.

A winner! Congratulations, son.
You've won a genuine, live homosexual.

Where are we going? Wait! Don't tell me!

- Oh, boy! Mom, can I keep him?
- Well, it's a big responsibility, Chris.

That means you'll have to
clean up after him and feed him.

- What do you eat?
- Attention.

- I like your hair.
- Still hungry.

- You have a beautiful speaking voice.
- I'm full.



Let's see, I guess 185 pounds.

Wrong. I'm 95% helium.

- Brian, look what I won.
- Wow, what'd you win that for?

For having the best pig in the competition.

- Wait, you bred a pig?
- Sure did.

Most genetically perfect one
in the contest.

Oink.

Oh, my God!

- Yes. He's something, isn't he?
- Are those fists?

Damn right. Show him, pig.

- How the hell did you do this?
- I'll let you in on a little secret, Brian.

I didn't do it. I got it from a farm.

What the hell kind of farm
breeds pigs like this?

Would you like to see it for yourself,
Brian?



- Yeah, I would.
- Good.

Because it's gonna blow your mind like
the stereopticon did to Americans in 1910.

Hey, I'm in New York City! No, I'm not.
Yes, I am. No, I'm not. Yes, I am!

What's going on here?

(CLANKING)

- This is it, Brian.
- What's that?

It's how I got the pig.

You ever heard of
the Multiverse Theory, Brian?

Of course I have,
but I'm wondering if you have.

Oh, my God! So transparent.

Well, the theory states that there are
an infinite number of universes

coexisting with ours
on parallel dimensional planes.

- Dimensional planes, right.
- Oh, don't do that.

Don't repeat the last two words

like you already kind of knew
what I was talking about.

You have no idea what I'm talking about.

Now, in each of these alternate universes,
the reality is different than our own.

Sometimes only slightly,
sometimes quite radically.

The point is
every possible eventuality exists.

And that's where you got the pig,
in a parallel universe.

Prepare yourself, Brian, and I'll show you.

(BEEPING)

(WHIRRING)

BRIAN: Where are we?
STEWIE: This is Quahog, Brian.

Same year, same time.

But in this universe,
Christianity never existed.

Which means the Dark Ages
of scientific repression never occurred

and thus, humanity is
1,000 years more advanced.

- Ergo, muscular, genetically perfect pigs.
- Hey, look. There's Quagmire.

Thanks, honey. Say hi to your husband.

(CHIMING)

Well, I got AIDS again.
Better take my NyQuil Cold, Flu and AIDS.

All gone.

- What time do you suppose it is, Brian?
- I don't know. About 3:30.

Watch the sidewalk.

My God! Is that Meg?

36-D, Brian.

And you know what's amazing?

In this universe,
she's still one of the ugly ones.

If you saw Lois, your penis
would shoot right off your body.

Come on. I'll show you around.

- Hey, is there a bathroom around here?
- You need to go pee or poop?

- Poop.
- One poop removal.

(POPPING)

- Wow, did I just go poop?
- You sure did. All digital.

- Where does it go?
- It gets beamed to another dimension.

Let me ask you this.

What about all the Renaissance art
that Christianity inspired?

That was my first question, too. Come on.
Have a look at the Sistine Chapel.

Wow.

Yep. With no Christianity
to inspire Michelangelo,

they gave the job to John Hinckley.

- All right. You ready to go home now?
- Are you kidding? This is amazing.

Can we see more universes?

Hmm. Well, I haven't tried yet,
but I don't see why not.

- Whoa! What's this place?
- Yeah. This universe looks weird.

Yeah, it's cheap and somehow lazy.

ROCK-PETER: Yabba dabba...

- Rock-Peter?
- Yes, Rock-Lois?

That was wonderful rock-sex
we had last rock-night.

Yes. I enjoyed rocking you
up the rock last night.

I know. I must've had four rock-gasms.
I'm glad you wore that rock-ring.

But we still always use a rock-phylactic.

I'm ribbeted for your pleasure.

Hey, Brian, want to get the rock
out of here?

Rock, yeah.

Oh, this looks like Spooner St.,
only something's not quite right.

According to the Multiverse Guide,

this is a universe where the United States
never dropped the atomic bomb

on Hiroshima.
So the Japanese just never quit.

(ALL SPEAKING JAPANESE)

(FARTING)

(GIGGLING)

Well, I think I've seen enough.
Let's get back to our universe.

All right. Off we go.

(SIGHING) Home sweet home.

HAPPY LOIS: Peter.
SAD LOIS: Peter.

HAPPY PETER: What?
SAD PETER: What?

HAPPY LOIS: Can you take out the trash?
SAD LOIS: 'Cause it stinks in the kitchen.

- Sure thing, Lois. Delighted to.
- I get tired when I stand.

(GASPING)

What the hell is this?
This isn't our universe.

Apparently, this is a universe
where everyone has two heads.

One happy, one sad.

- Honey, have you seen Stewie?
- I can't find him anywhere.

- I sure have!
- He's over there playing in the corner.

- I want you to know I love you!
- I'm trying to get excited about it.

This is too freaky.
Why didn't that thing take us home?

I don't know!
I told you, it hasn't been fully tested yet.

Well, we can't stay here, that's for sure.

HAPPYREPORTER: And now back
to Channel Five News at Six!

SAD REPORTER:
Quahog's lowest-rated newscast.

- The president's dog just had puppies!
- There was a plane crash.

Stewie, please tell me
you know how to get us home.

Of course I know how to get us home!

What the hell? Stewie, what's going on?

From the look of it,
I'm guessing this is Quahog

but during some sort of ice age.

Well, press the button! Get us out of here!

- Uh-oh. I can't reach the device.
- What? You're kidding!

Yep, get comfortable.
I think we're gonna be here for a while.

Oh, look.
There's your poop from the other universe.

Stewie, you got to get us out of here.

If we stay in here much longer,
we're either gonna freeze or starve.

I know. But I can't reach the device.
You try. You're closer to it.

Besides, you're stronger than I am.

- Hey, what was that?
- Well, you said I was stronger than you.

And that must have made me happy,
so my tail started wagging.

Looks like it carved through the ice a bit.

Yeah, it did! Keep going.

Okay, let's see. You want to go for a walk?

- It's working. Do more!
- You want a treat? You want a treat, boy?

That's good! That's good!
But you really have one, right?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.
- And we're going for that walk?

Oh, yeah, definitely.
And I'll give you a bath!

- No, no, no!
- Sorry, sorry.

I'll let you go for a ride in the car!

- Oh, you better not be lying!
- You want to sleep in the bed with us?

Yes! I never get to!
It must be a special occasion.

- You got it! You're through!
- Yes. All right, what do I do?

- Just press the red button.
- Okay, which one's red?

Press the big button!

- This can't be it. This doesn't look familiar.
- You're right, Brian.

Apparently, this is a universe

where everyone has to take a poop
right just now.

(ALL GROANING)

- Okay, Bill, you got those numbers?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, just leave them on my desk.
- Okay, that works out fine for me.

- Where's your desk?
- Doug knows where my desk is.

Craig, are you good with this?

Yeah, that should work out
pretty good for me, too.

- What the hell? What's happened to us?
- I don't know.

But suddenly,
I feel all sweet and warm and fuzzy.

It seems we're in a universe
where everything is drawn by Disney.

Look, there's our house!

(LAUGHING)

Look how gaily we run!

Oh, Stewie and Brian,
you're just in time for pie.

Did somebody say pie?

(SINGING) It's a wonderful day for pie

You can ask all the birds in the sky

And they'll tell you real sweet
With a musical tweet

It's a wonderful day for pie

- For pie
- For pie

For pie

For pie

For pie

This is wonderful, Brian.
Oh, let's live in this universe.

Gosh, it's pretty intoxicating, isn't it?

I want to hear more music about pie.

(SINGING) It's a wonderful day for pie

And it smells a lot better than I

- Everyone in the house
- And this Adam West mouse

- The bees making honey
- This Tom Tucker bunny

We all sing with glee
'Cause we all agree

It's a wonderful, wonderful day for pie

You want a nice, shiny red apple
to put in that pie?

ALL: No!

Brian, we could spend
the rest of our lives here!

- It's perfect!
- Sounds good to me.

Doesn't seem to be
a thing wrong with this place.

Hello, everybody!

ALL: Jew!

(SCREAMING)

(PUNCHING)

Oh, yeah, I forgot.
This is a Disney universe.

Oh, but look how shiny
my buttons are here!

- Just push the...
- Yeah, okay, okay. I'll push the thing.

- Whoa! This is trippy.
- I should say so.

We're in the Robot Chicken universe.

Would you guys move?
You're blocking the TV!

Look! G.I. Joe, Transformers,
ThunderCats, He-Man!

(CHEERING) Those shows existed!

How does it feel to be on a major network
for 30 seconds?

- Fuck you!
- Bye.

My God! This place looks terrible.

It looks like Quahog
was vaporized or something.

It says that in this universe,
Frank Sinatra was never born.

And therefore, he was unable to use
his influence to get Kennedy elected.

So Nixon won the 1960 election

and totally botched
the Cuban missile crisis,

causing World War III.

Wow, so I guess Lee Harvey Oswald
never shot Kennedy?

No. He shot Mayor McCheese.

(SPECTATORS CHEERING)

(GUNSHOT)

(SPECTATORS SCREAMING)

- That joke's not in bad taste, right?
- Oh, who cares? He's a cheeseburger.

- (GROANING) Where are we?
- I don't know.

The device can't make heads or tails of it.

It's just some sort of weird,
low-resolution, blocky universe.

- Lois, where is my supper?
- Still in the oven!

- Will I have it soon?
- Quite soon!

- Thank you!
- You're welcome!

(ALL EX CLAIMING)

- I'm frightened.
- Let's go.

- Love it.
- Hate it.

- Love it.
- Hate it.

- Brian, this feels weird.
- Hit the button!

Oh, God, what is this?
I feel like I'm on acid or something.

According to the Multiverse Guide,
this is a universe

where everything is depicted as
a Washington Post political cartoon.

Good Lord, I'm naked!

And why am I holding a dinner platter
that says "McCain-Feingold"?

(LAUGHING)

That's pretty good. That's funny.

- You don't get it.
- No, no. I totally get it.

Oh, God! Let's go, quick.
Here comes an overweight cat

with dollar signs for eyes,
and a hat that says "Social Security"

pouring a bucket that says
"Alternative Minimum Tax"

over a sad Statue of Liberty
holding a "Democracy" umbrella.

(LAUGHING)

- Yes! That ought to wake people up!
- Shut the fuck up.

- Oh, my God! Now we're nowhere!
- Not quite, Brian. This is a universe.

But its only inhabitant is one really
far-away guy who yells compliments.

- I like your shirt!
- Thank you! This was nice.

We did it! We're back!

No. This is the universe
of misleading portraiture.

(GROANING)

Oh, wait! It's not so bad.
There's the compliment guy.

Hello!

Oh, they got both of us!

We're finished.
We're never gonna get home.

We're never gonna see our Peter and Lois
or anyone else we know ever again.

- You got your pal Stewie.
- Great.

Oh, you could learn something
from compliment guy.

And, you know,
it's not as bad as you think.

I may have finally figured this out.

I just need to make
a few more calculations.

(SNIFFING)

Whoa!

Sorry about that.
Bad girl, Holly. No jumpies!

Oh, it's... It's quite all right.

- Wow, okay, this is ridiculous.
- And you go here.

You, you naughty little wire,
you're supposed to be over here.

How did you get over there?

Oh, yeah.

Come on, Holly. Let's go.
This guy's a freak.

And that should do it. Now let's go home.
Hey! What the hell are you doing?

I just don't think we should be too hasty.

I mean, we have a unique opportunity
to study alternate universes in depth.

- Brian, give me the damn device! Give it!
- No!

- Give it!
- Knock it off! No! Stop! Stop it!

- Come on, give it! Come on!
- Come on!

What the hell, man? What the hell?
Look what you did!

You better put that thing on a leash, sir,
or I'm gonna have to fine you.

Take your stinking paws off me,
you damn dirty dog!

What the hell were you thinking, Brian?
We're never gonna get home now!

Why the hell would you break
the damn device?

Look, it was an accident, all right?

And besides, look at this place.
It's a world run by dogs.

I mean, I kind of want to explore
this universe.

Oh, you like role reversal? Okay.

Wait. What are you doing?

(EX CLAIMING IN DISGUST) Come on!

- Pick up my poop! Pick up my poop!
- I'm not picking up your poop!

- Hey, you! Pick up that poop.
- You heard him, Brian. Pick up my poop.

- Go on. Pick it up. Do it. Pick up my poop!
- I need a plastic bag.

Here's a thin napkin.

Okay, I'm a new neighbor and
you're my pet human, Hotchkiss. Got it?

I'm not so crazy about Hotchkiss anymore.

What do you mean?
You came up with Hotchkiss.

I know, but how about Axel,
or Maximillian, or Dex, you know?

It's got to have an "X" in it
because that means I have cool parents

who take me on expensive ski trips
on spring break,

and I get to drink wine with dinner
even though I'm only 14 and...

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, my God! I know that sound!

It means there's a potential intruder
at the front door or one of my pals!

Either way,
I'm really excited and ready for anything!

- Hello!
- Hello. My name is Blake Carrington.

Oh!

- And this is my human, Gabe.
- Oh, no. What?

We just moved in down the street

and thought we'd stop in
and say hi to our new neighbors.

Well, great to meet you.
Come on in. I'm Peter.

This is my family.
My wife, Lois. My son, Chris.

Chris, stop licking yourself
and come up and say hi!

My daughter, Meg. Our puppy, Stewie.

- And this is our human, Brian.
- Nice to meet you.

- Say hi to human Brian, Blake, says Gabe.
- Hi.

Mommy, I want to play
with the new human!

Only if it's okay with Blake.

Yeah, sure. It's fine.
Gabe is great with puppies.

I swear to God, I hope the next universe
we go to is all Koreans.

- I know who you are, Stewie.
- I beg your pardon?

I've perfected multiverse travel as well.

In fact, I've figured out how to navigate
with absolute precision.

Really? I haven't. We've been jumping
randomly from one universe to the next.

- Did you have the "shuffle" button on?
- Oh, my God!

- There you go.
- That's why that little symbol

with the two crossed arrows
is up there in the corner.

- There's your problem.
- Oh, my God! I feel silly.

But I can't do anything about it.
My device has been destroyed.

Well, I've got one of my own.
I can use it to send you back.

Hold on, I'll get it.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Oh, my God! Who is it? I got it!

- Morning, Peter.
- Hey, Joe.

Bonnie and I are having company tonight.

Wondering if I could borrow
some wet food.

Yeah, sure thing. That's Joe.
He's our local human catcher.

So, don't misbehave or the human catcher
will come after you, Gabe.

My name's not Gabe!

(SCREAMING)

- You're in big trouble, you little crap!
- You shouldn't have done that, little fellow.

You just earned yourself
a trip to the pound!

Who the hell do you think you are?
Brian! Brian, do something.

Look, I'm sorry about this.
Let me just pay the fine or whatever

and I'll make sure
this doesn't happen again.

- You can pick him up tomorrow.
- Oh, okay.

Just bring a trash bag.

What did he mean by that?

Any human that bites a dog
gets euthanized. You know that.

No. He doesn't. He's from another universe
where dogs are subservient to humans.

- Oh, you mean like that time we...
- Yeah.

- When we bounced around between...
- Yeah.

- And you couldn't figure out how to...
- Yes!

They're gonna kill him!
We got to get him out of there!

It's a tough world here. You hear about it
every night on the dog news.

Coming up. That bush in the park
is my bush! It's my bush!

(SNORING)

Look, there he is!

Oh, thank God, I'm saved!

Come on. Let's get out of here.

All right. The two of you stand over there
and I'll send you back where you belong.

Gosh, Brian! I sure hope this next leap
will be the leap home.

Wait! Take me with you.

What do you mean?
You can't go back to our universe.

Come on, a place where humans
are in charge? I can't pass that up.

Hey! Get away from there!

(GRUNTING)

- Well, this looks like home.
- Is there any way we can be sure?

Hmm.

Mom, have you seen my Trapper Keeper?

(FARTING)

(PETER LAUGHING)

BOTH: Yeah, we're home!

(LAUGHING)

Well, now what do we do about this guy?
We got two Brians in our universe now.

Don't worry. I don't plan to stay in Quahog.

I'm gonna go out into the world
and see what I can make of myself.

I can be somebody here.

And it should be easy for you
because, I mean, what luck, you're white!

You have no idea how big that is here.

Goodbye, Stewie. Goodbye, Brian.
Maybe our paths will cross again someday.

(SIGHING) Look at him go.

Free in a world of his own kind where
he can finally reach the full potential...

(TIRES SQUEALING)

Oh, my God! He got hit by a car!

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