House (2004–2012): Season 8, Episode 16 - Gut Check - full transcript

Come on!

(lNDISTINCT SHOUTING)

(SPECTATORS EXCLAIMING)

Yeah!

(BUZZER BLARING)

(SPECTATORS CHEERING)

(CHANTING)
Hatchet! Hatchet!

Hatchet! Hatchet!

ANNOUNCER:
Come on, Toros!
Let's make some noise!

Nice to meet the pride
of Trois-Rivi?res.

I still got your
Wings rookie card.



So what's that worth?
Well,
it's a collector's item.

They don't make them
like you anymore.

So you want to go?

Square up. Good luck.

(SPECTATORS SHOUTING)

(GRUNTING)

(SPECTATORS CHEERING)

He didn't get
a hand on you?

You're gonna be
a force in the show.

SPECTATORS: (CHANTING)
Hatchet! Hatchet! Hatchet!

Hatchet! Hatchet! Hatchet!

(JEERING)

MAN: Come on, Toros!
(COUGHING)

Get a trainer
over here!



HOUSE:
Capacity crowd is on its feet,
five seconds on the clock.

Ah!

How is it possible
for one man to be blessed
with so much skill?

(EXHALING HEAVILY)

I had one just like
this, except it was
Bruins and the Habs.

Where'd you get it?

Birthday present
for someone in
pediatric oncology.

Twenty-two-year-old
enforcer with hemoptysis.

He's a hockey player?

No, he's a superhero.

He's coughing up blood
because he probably
broke a rib

and punctured a lung
while breaking
someone else's rib

and puncturing their lung
in the name of sport.

Nice conclusion,
to which the ER already
jumped 18 hours ago.

Short man equals
bullied child.

I was average
height as a kid.
And never bullied.

JESSICA: Until now.

X-ray ruled out
traumatic sequelae,
overt TB and lung cancer.

Sarcoidosis.
Nodules could be too small
to show up on an X-ray.

But fighting's
the best part of hockey.

Without it, you've
got the Ice Capades.

Fighting has nothing
to do with hockey.

It's like the cheerleaders
at a basketball game.

CHASE: Cheerleading's
the best part of basketball.

Without it,
you've got basketball.

JESSICA:
He's a duck hunter.

He could have
contracted psittacosis
from exposure to fowl.

He had
three teeth knocked out
two weeks ago.

Infection could have
led to oral bleeding.

Not without
continuing dental pain.

Then he took
an elbow to the gut,

which caused
an esophageal tear.

Chase, CT the patient,
check for sarcoid.

Adams, sputum cultures
and serologies
for psittacosis.

Taub, I'd tell you
why I think your theory

is not just wrong
but ill-conceived,

but it's more fun to prove it
by having you check
the stool for blood.

Now while we wait
for the stool fairy,
I'm a man down.

So if you want to
drop your pants
and hit the ice.

BOBBY: The faster
you guys can do
this, the better.

The NHL's been
sniffing around,

and being in the hospital's
not really helping
my marketability, so...

You have
to be pretty good
to get called up.

Yeah, leading the league
in penalty minutes.

And visits to the ER,
not counting the ones
you've caused.

Not a hockey fan,
I gather?

I am, that's the point.
Fighting cheapens
a great sport.

Oh, come on.
That's like saying
passing cheapens football.

It's part of the game.

I don't cause injuries.

They're self-inflicted?

No, I prevent them.

I take the hits,
so the smaller guys
don't have to.

I thought you'd
appreciate that.

(SWITCH CLICKS)

Neighbor's baby again?

I could hear it
through earplugs,

two pillows,
and three sleeping pills.

Hmm.

What is wrong
with you?

I just said, "Hmm."

You're trying to figure out
some deeper significance

to my having a couple
of crappy nights.

Which one of us is
analyzing the word
"hmm" here?

Fine. I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

However, it's not the crying
that's keeping you awake.

The sound of a needy child
is stirring your
paternal juices.

The sound
of a needy child
at 112 decibels

has stirred
my inner murderer.
Don't mess with me.

Explain the stains
on your shirt.
You're lactating.

The fact that
you're the only fruit

on your family tree
is getting to you.

It's not a big deal.
So I'll probably
never be a dad.

It sucks. I'll lose
a little sleep, but...

You're not
supposed to feel bad
when you dodge a bullet.

It's like you've
got survivor's guilt.

There are actually things
in this world

that give life
even more meaning

than soap operas
and monster trucks.

And we happen
to be missing out on
at least one of them.

(SIGHS)

You remember
the falconer?

Beth?

You dated
two falconers?

Yes, Beth.

The night the two
of you split up,

you came around
to my place,

wallowing in
self-pity and tequila.

You passed out.

She called that night.
Asked me to give you
a message.

She said
she was pregnant.

Which, God and Planned
Parenthood willing,

means you are the father
of an 11-year-old.

I told you
the next morning.
Hypothetically.

I asked you how you'd feel
if Beth had gotten pregnant,

and you said, and I quote,
"lt would be the worst
mistake of my life."

And scene.

Two performances Sunday,
dark Mondays?

Just as well.

(DOOR CLOSES)

CHI: I want to
kill my mother.

My Popo's on her own

and my mother
always needs me
to take care of her.

Well, you could
kill Popo instead.

I have to take her shopping,
to her friends,
to Atlantic City.

I love her,
but every night..
every weekend...

And only if there
was some solution,

some place where
you could live.

That's not there.

My mom would freak.
It would be the ultimate
sign of disrespect.

Okay. Then stay.

And maybe you'd consider
not bitching about it?

Not everyone's
lucky enough to have
your independence.

Don't worry.
When you lose your family,
you'll have it, too.

(COMPUTER BLEEPS)

He doesn't
have sarcoid.

Look at that.
That's his spleen.

I know, but he's
gotten it supersized.

Deep vein thrombosis,
caused by any one of his
many injuries or surgeries.

Leukemia's
a better fit.

We have a guy who
is punishing his body
on a daily basis.

Don't you think
that's a more likely
cause than cancer?

No, because she doesn't
have an agenda.

Well, that was
incredibly
unprofessional.

Although,
it's really
Taub's fault.

If you're not
prepared to slam her
into the board,

she's got no reason
not to go after you.

Might I suggest
pulling her jersey
over her head first?

We should get
an ultrasound for DVT
and WBC for leukemia.

You think
I could have cancer?

More likely
it's just a DVT.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

This is my agent.
I gotta take this.

Yeah.

Give me some
good news, Kenny.

I thought you said
"any day".

Okay. All right.

I gotta go.

(SIGHS)

I called Beth.

I have
an 11 -year-old son.

Liver failure could
alter hormone levels,

cause abnormal
breast development.

Alcoholism.
We should search his
home and locker room.

Note that
the person who wants
to search the home

didn't sleep in
one last night.

You have the imprint
of a seatbelt buckle
on your cheek.

I got in a fight
with my mother.

She hit you
with a seatbelt?

It could be
hemochromatosis.

JESSICA: Explains
the liver and the spleen,

but hemoptysis
is a stretch.

What about leptospirosis?

TAUB: That's a good fit.

If you ignore the fact
that he's a pro athlete

who looks like
the lncredible Hulk,

which means he's
got to be on steroids,
which is a better fit.

All we really know
for sure is that

it was his evil job
that caused the problems.

Yes, I don't like him.
Doesn't mean
my judgment's affected.

Maybe. Let's take a look
at the instant replay.

This is the hit
that precipitated
Booby Orr's fight.

Dirty or clean?

The hit was clean.
JESSICA: Really?

The guy released the puck
at least a second
before the hit.

We have a difference
of opinion. That's all.

Absolutely.

Maybe she's
as biased as you.

Or maybe
the entire league is.

After review,
the league disciplinary
commissioner ruled the hit

illegal and dangerous,
and suspended the player
for three games.

Adams and Taub,
run antibody titers
for lepto.

Chase and Park,
check out the home,
the locker room for booze,

steroids and
Taub's objectivity.

At least you're free.

You gonna
get your own place?

If I can find a place
I can afford, so no.

If you want,
you can crash at my place.
Got a spare bedroom.

That might be
kind of weird.

I live in an apartment,
not a dungeon.

It's just
two single people,
opposite sex.

Your bedroom door has
a lock on the inside.

Hey, if you
prefer your car,
be my guest.

Scrip for ganciclovir.

If his neighbor has mono,
it could mean he has mono.

If he has mono,
explains his spleen
and hemoptysis.

And it's caused
by the Epstein-Barr virus,
which explains his liver.

And my moonroof leaks.

Thank you.

Why don't we just assume
that you're not the dad?

Well, either
you're the dad

or she cheated on
you with your dad.

Oh!

Sand art.
I used to love this.

He's bitter,
not mentally
handicapped.

Who knows what Beth
told him about you?

At worst, you're a rapist.
At best, you're a rapist.

Maybe she said
I was a dead war hero.

Raised by a lunatic mother
and abandoned by his father.

Oh, I know,
squirrel handcuffs.

You think he's
got any of those?

If you really
wanted me to do nothing
with this information,

then why did you
give it to me?

Because you were
pining for a kid

and you deserved to know
that you already had one.

But your paternal cravings
are more theoretical than
applied.

You want vicarious
immortality

more than you want
a lifelong burden.

You're assuming
he's gonna be
a nightmare.

What if he's
a good kid?

He's a kid.
Best you can hope for
is he's a nightmare.

House, I'm not naive.
I realize that this thing
could go very badly,

but the point is
my son wants to meet me,
and I want to meet him.

Popo, I presume.

Hey. I let myself in.

This is...
We've met.

I thought the whole
point of this was to
get away from Popo.

My dad's getting
a cyst removed

and my mother had to
take him to the clinic.

Don't worry,
she'll be gone
in an hour.

I'm not worried
because it's
not my issue.

She seems
awfully quiet.

You haven't
seen her drunk.

(BOBBY SOBBING)

TAUB: Bobby?

(CONTINUES SOBBING)

I found him crying
in the fetal position.

CHI: It's not
a new symptom.

He's crying because
his liver failure

threw his hormones
out of whack.

Aside from the crying,
he's actually
recovering nicely.

TAUB: Aside from the guy
in the book depository,

the Kennedys had
a lovely trip to Dallas.

Repetitive blows
to the head

can cause chronic
traumatic encephalopathy,

the symptoms of which
are aggressive behavior
and depression.

So your theory is
that his aggressive
behavior

caused his
aggressive behavior?

He's not depressed,
he's just bummed,

because he knows
he's a talentless moron

who's only
one lost fight away
from being a barista.

I understand that
can get to a guy
after a while.

If he quits
being an enforcer,
it could save his life.

You don't want
to save his life.

You want to
kill his career.

I moved into
Chase's apartment.

He knows.
He was staring at
our matching cups.

I told you
we should have split up.

We're not having sex.
With each other.

Yet.
Yes.

Yes?

I just mean no one
knows the future right now,
so we don't really know...

The only conclusive test
for CTE is post-mortem.

TAUB: But an MRI
of his brain could reveal
white matter disintegrity,

which is
the effect of CTE.

Why? Are you trying
to sleep with her?

'Cause a simpler technique
is just to ask.

I was doing
something nice.
No.

That doesn't fit.

He's only had
three concussions
since he was 10.

It's not enough
to cause CTE.

Three reported
concussions.

These guys are
taught in high school
how to dupe the tests.

Guilt?
This is really insulting.

It's not guilt.
Park is a friend.

So it's guilt.

Chase convinced you
to leave Mommy and now
he feels responsible.

No MRI.

Do a psych eval, if he
doesn't start weeping
again, send him home.

Dr. Wilson?

Duncan?

James.

Nice to meet you.

It's nice to meet you.

Um...

How are you doing?

Good.

Good.

I got you this.

Oh.

Thank you.

Go ahead.
Okay.

It's got three
games built-in,

but you can download
more from the website.

I know.

You already have one.

I can always
use a backup.

Hi. Can I start you
with something to drink?

Just water, please.

You got a GameDeck?
Way to go, Dad.

According to
your psych eval,

the only thing
happier than you
is Disneyland.

I'm sorry you had
to see me like that
last night.

I'm just upset about
being in the hospital,
I'm on some weird meds.

But they must be working,
because I'm feeling
a lot better now.

Depression could be
the symptom of a
serious illness, CTE.

Yeah. My aunt
sends me every article
she can find on it.

Then you know
it could kill you.

In the long run,
like a lot of things.

You might be right.

And an MRI
could confirm that.

I have enough
evidence of head trauma
in my file already, so...

My mom said you had trouble
maintaining relationships
with normal people.

She also said
you were a nice guy.

I always figured
she was lying

'cause she didn't
want me to hate
my deadbeat dad.

I didn't know.

I know, now.

You're a bright kid.

Thanks to you.
Thanks to my mom,

I'm also a big,
soft-hearted wuss.

(LAUGHS)

I think you may
have gotten that
from both of us.

I got to go,
but it was really
nice meeting you.

It was nice
meeting you, Duncan.

(SIGHS)

You want to
hang out again?

(LAUGHS)

Absolutely.
Tonight?

Tonight?

Well, I... There's...

That would be great.

Okay. I'll text you.

(DOOR OPENS)

Thank you. How'd you
talk him into it?

He agreed once
I promised him
anonymity.

Mr. and Mrs. Doe
liked the name John,
apparently.

Unfortunately,
we just wasted his time
and proved House right.

Nothing?
(CLICKS TONGUE)

(COMPUTER BEEPS)

What about that?
That's an artifact.

That's a density.

I know you think
I'm convincing myself,

but this brain has
been hammered for years,

meaning evidence
may be subtle,
but it's there.

HOUSE ON COMPUTER:
Meaning you see
what you want to see.

Unless, of course,
Chase is an idiot and
l do have brain damage.

(PAGERS BEEPING)

Patient's stroking out.

Chase.
Can you get me out of...

Oh...

Hello?

HOUSE: The good news
is it's isolated
ophthalmoplegia,

which means he
didn't have a stroke.

Bad news is
Taub was right.
You're still sick.

I said "right",
not "competent".

Bursts your CTE bubble.
You're gonna need
a whole new theory

to keep Uncle Jesse
and his Olsen Twins
on the bench.

Can we discuss
my incompetence
somewhere else?

Dr. House.
Could I talk to you
for a minute?

Could be neurosyphilis.

He's only 22.

And he's been
on the road
since he was 14.

So he was trash even
before he was trash?

Are you curious
about what he wanted?

I assume he wanted me
off the case,

and you told him
I was hit in the head
as a child,

and your mother
made you promise
to take care of me.

He was doing
what he always does.

Sticking up for
the little guy.

He told me to
apologize to you,

or he would
excrete down my throat.

I'm paraphrasing.

So if he should ask,
I was a gentleman,

or I will excrete
down your throat.

Microscopic
polyangiitis fits.

TAUB: We should start
plasmapheresis immediately.

We need to
run an ANCA panel
to confirm first.

Putting him
on plasmapheresis could
make him bleed out.

MPA can progress quickly.

We may not have time
before it reaches
his lungs.

I think you're right,
thus confirming
my objectivity.

Start the treatment.

Miserable yet?

He's polite, well-adjusted,
and a straight-A student.

Which means
he doesn't need you.

So why don't you get out
while the butterfly effect

is still
in the cocoon stage.

I'm making him dinner.

You don't make
an 11-year-old dinner.

You give him a jar
of peanut butter.

It'll be fine.

I could give this kid
a quinoa salad

and he would eat it
just to be nice.

'Cause he's
a gutless placater,
just like his dad.

He's nice.

This is a terrible idea.

Because we like
each other?

Yes.
Because of the statement,
"We like each other."

You've known him
25 minutes.

All you know about him
is that he'd lie
about a quinoa salad,

whatever the hell
that is.

You're jealous
of an 11-year-old

because you are
an 11-year-old.

So tell me
about yourself.

I mean you're smart,
you're nice,
but what else?

I don't know.
I'm a kid.

Right.

What are you
looking for?

Nothing.

You want peanut butter?

Do you have
prosciutto?

You like prosciutto?
I'm weird.

No! No, I like it.. too.

I've got some
in the fridge.
How about goat cheese?

(LAUGHS)

I love goat cheese.

I think that was
the best pizza
I ever had.

It was the hint
of Dijon.

Do you have any
aunts or uncles
or grandparents?

My mom got into
some stupid fight
with my grandfather.

They all kind of
cut us off.

Hmm.

Are you talking
to your parents?

Yes, and they're
going to be very surprised
and excited to meet you.

That's awesome.

AUTOMATED VOICE ON GPS:
You have arrived
at your destination.

(SIGHS)

Well...
Thanks for the pizza.

Sure. Sure.
I mean, it was great
to spend time with you.

I love you, Dad.

(CHUCKLES)

It can't be easy
doing what you do.

I mean,
do you love it?

Is it fun?

I had my own
plastic surgery practice,
making lots of money.

But I wasn't happy.
It wasn't what I went
to med school for.

(SIGHS)

Every winter, my dad
would flood the backyard
and make a rink.

I was Lemieux,
my little brother
was Gretzky.

I was good. I won
the NDHA scoring title
three years in a row.

I kept getting bigger
and stronger and better.

Until I didn't.

My Juniors coach told me
that if I wanted to stay
on the team,

that I'd have
to use my size.

Every game, I got
less and less ice time,

until it was all fighting
and no hockey.

There's something
going on with my arms.

I can't feel them! Doctor,
I can't feel my arms.

Patient's arms
are now paralyzed.

ANCA panel was negative.
It's not MPA.

Lyme disease
could cause paralysis,

if he was hunting,
he'd be exposed to ticks.

No target rash
or cardiac involvement.

Roomies with benefits
keeping you up?

Cribbage.
I played with
Park's Popo.

Is that
two separate events?

Her grandmother.
ALS could explain
the symptoms.

Sensory involvement
rules out ALS.

Okay, now this
is interesting.

We'll get back
to the patient
in a second.

Your issue is
the same as Wilson's.

Except you're haunted
by the pitter-patter
of tiny skanks.

You don't feel guilty
about getting Park
thrown out of her home.

You feel guilty about
all the women that
you've screwed over.

My mother
needs 1,000 bucks
for snow tires.

Park's a friend,
Popo's fun.

Paralysis has gone
from his face to his arms,

meaning it's descending,
which is the hallmark
of botulism.

So it was
something he ate.
How innocuous.

You've overcome your
bias by reversing it.

The only problem is
that being in love
with the patient

is just as judgmental
as being in hate.

We didn't find
any contaminated...

No contaminated food,
I'm not an idiot.

But what if it's
not from ingesting,
but from injecting?

He was treated for
intractable muscle spasms
by the team's trainers.

Sometimes they use Botox.

We need to
start the antitoxin.

The antitoxin could
cause anaphylaxis.

We need to test first
to confirm.

HOUSE: As if
to prove my point.

Last time
you said there wasn't
enough time to test

prior to a more
dangerous treatment.

It's a different situation,
a different symptom..
a different diagnosis.

Different emotion.
Give him the antitoxin.

Anything?

No adverse effects.

Chase let me move in
with him to get away
from my grandmother,

then he practically
let my grandmother move in
with the both of us.

He's being way
more than nice.

(SIGHS)

Then which
answer is it?

Chase feels guilty
for pushing you
to move out?

He didn't push me.

Guilt about skanks?
He loves skanks.

It's not
the other option.

There are people
that like me,

people who even
want to sleep with me.

Some of them are
even good looking.

That good looking?

Did you see that?

You're feeling
something?

Yeah.

I could give you
crap for making me
wait 11 years,

but instead
I'm gonna thank you

for not making me
wait another 11.

Every little girl
wants a pony

until they have
to clean up after it.

You think I'm gonna
quit on this?
On an 11 -year-old?

The only relationship
you haven't quit on
has been with me.

Hmm. A needy,
truculent narcissist.

I think it's been
the perfect training
for parenthood.

That's not even close.

This is the rest
of your life.

If you screw this up,
you don't get to run away.

You get to ruin
both your lives.

This is a bigger
responsibility

than any you've
ever taken on,
and screwed up.

I know.

That's why I'm so
excited about it.

(DOOR OPENS)

You're really
happier doing this than
looking at boobs all day?

Luckily,
I get patients like you
every now and again

who let me
re-experience the joy.

(COUGHS)

You know the best
part of my day

is when I'm sitting
in that penalty box

after I beat
someone up.

It's the only time
I know I'm safe.

Think Lemieux
ever felt that way?

I'm not going back.

To hockey?

To enforcing.
Whatever that costs.

Good for you.

(PUCK CLATTERS)
Oh!

First goal for
the Pocket Rocket.

(BOBBY GASPING)

Bobby?

(MONITOR BEEPING RAPIDLY)

We need a team
in here!

He's completely paralyzed
and he tested negative
for botulism.

I am now accepting
long shots.

Polio?

Some kids were
never vaccinated.

Unless they
played sports all their lives
and had two physicals a year.

How about MLD?

TAUB: That's a bad fit.

I say that not because
there's no treatment
for MLD,

but because
it's a bad fit.

His cognitive abilities
are unaffected.

Prion disease could
explain the waxing
and waning symptoms.

The test for prions
is a brain biopsy.

And given his history,
there's got to be
brain swelling.

We can't risk drilling
into his skull.

Pretty sure we can.

We also could keep talking
until we can find an answer
we all can agree on.

What, all of us?
Those of us who love him,
those who hate him?

Those who don't give
a crap about him or you?

Or I could just
discuss it on my own
with Foreman.

He's not your friend.

I get it, he's a patient.

I'm not...
He never
had your back.

He didn't insist that
I apologize to you.

He asked me
to take you
off the case.

Biopsy his brain.

Hey, Dad.

Hey.

Sorry I'm late.
Got in a fight with my mom.
She is such a tool.

I'm sure
she means well.

She wants to open
a reserve in Costa Rica
for rescued birds of prey.

But how serious is she?

From my recollection,
she used to talk
about doing a lot.

Yeah, but she bought
plane tickets for Monday.

Well, Costa Rica
is beautiful.

And the schools are
supposed to be great.

Oh! I'm not going.
It's her stupid dream,
not mine.

Then what will you do?

Uh...

I thought maybe
I could stay with you?

Your place is only three
miles away from my school.

I can bus it every day.

And I do my own laundry.
I keep my room tidy.

Duncan, this...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
This is very sudden.

I know. I'm sorry.

Please don't send me
to the jungle.

If it's okay
with your mother,
it's okay with me.

Take me off the case.

I've obviously completely
lost my objectivity.

I'm not helping.
I'm not even neutral.

Agreed.

So why shouldn't
I take you off all my cases?

Because you were right.
I hate bullies.

You work for me.

You're not a bully.

Pretty sure I am,
dickwad.

I've known a lot of bullies,
people who didn't like me
because I'm short,

people who didn't like me
because I'm Jewish.

Yeah, I get it,
there's a long list of
reasons not to like you.

You relentlessly mock,
but it's not for
self-aggrandizement,

it's because ideas are
bigger than feelings.

At least that's what
I choose to believe.

I also thought you
had the side effect
of desensitizing me.

You little hebe.

Here are some
ideas for you.

You screwed up.
You kept on screwing up.
Everything you said is true.

Except it doesn't mean
you walk away.

You just learn
to trust nothing.

Everything you think you feel,
everything you think you know,

you question every call,
play through every whistle.

I just had
a light bulb.

Maybe.

You can trust
light bulbs.

Stop.
It's not prions.

Epstein-Barr gave him
mono, it also gave him
Miller Fisher syndrome.

The plasmapheresis
played through the whistle.

We gave it to him for MPA,
but when he got worse,
we took him off.

When he got better,
we thought it was
the antitoxin,

but it was actually
the plasmapheresis
still working.

We had the right treatment,
just the wrong diagnosis.

It was my metaphor
that solved the case.

Put him back on
plasmapheresis.
He'll be fine.

Nice save.

Didn't quite make up
for being a sieve
the rest of the game.

(DOOR OPENS)

(SWITCH CLICKS)

Ex-girlfriend's
baby again?

His mother is moving
to Costa Rica,

he asked if he could
move in with me...

(LAUGHS)

...and I said yes.

Well, it's only
six or seven years.

Unless he can't
get into college,

in which case
it's more a matter of
your life expectancy.

I said yes, knowing
I'm not remotely
ready for that,

knowing he's not ready
to be separated
from his mother.

This isn't the act of
a mature, rational adult.

(SIGHS)

I can't do this, House.

You were right.

I have an idea
that can make this
entire problem go away.

Yes, I really want
to hear your clever
late-term abortion joke.

You were right
about everything.
This is life.

It's real.
It doesn't just go away.

(SIGHS)

None of that is true.

Hey.

Duncan.

Actually,
it's Wendel, one "L".

If you're gonna
get pissy, remember,
it was House's idea.

You're an actor?

Five commercials,
and a recurring on
Days of our Lives.

You were regretting
not having kids,
so I gave you one.

Thereby rendering
you regret-free.
It's a priceless gift.

Get out.
Well, it's not priceless.

He charges
SAG minimum...

Get out!

Chillax, Dad.

Can you do
an Australian
accent?

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS)

I just got the call.

Three-year deal,
2.1 million.

What about
the flooded backyard and
pretending to be Lemieux?

That's why I took it.

After all I did
to get here,

half a dream is
better than nothing.

Maybe my new coach will see
what my Juniors coach didn't.

That'd be nice.

I'm not sleeping
with you.

That's a shame.

This is about Popo.

She's not sleeping
with me either, right?

You were jealous
of me, my family.

Maybe you've got too much
and I've got too little.

I might sleep
with you after all.

(SOUL MUSIC PLAYING)

The woman that I called,
that was really Beth?

Found her
on Facebook.

How much
did she charge?

Nothing.
She's still
pissed at you.

Can you pass
the bacon?

I thought you
liked prosciutto.

Nobody likes
prosciutto.