House (2004–2012): Season 7, Episode 14 - Recession Proof - full transcript

Hey, sweetie.

Yeah, I'm sorry.

No, the meeting's
running a little late.

Well, you know Matheson...

the guy loves
to hear himself talk.

Yeah. Yeah.
I'll meet you at the restaurant.

Hey, we're going over
the contracts now.

I gotta get back in there.

I love you too.

You're getting paid
to clean,

not window shop, Vesky.



You calling me a thief ?

Take it easy.
Just yanking your chain.

Damn, it's freezin' in here.

Better the cold
than the smell.

Used to think
my job sucked.

- How much you make an hour anyway ?
- Not enough.

The difference is
that this job

is just a temporary
setback.

You, on the other hand,
will always be a schmuck.

Yeah. Schmuck with a guaranteed
pension and benefits.

I'll take it.

I'm sorry I'm late.

No talking about
real estate tonight.

I really want you
to just enjoy yourself.



Well, seeing you
in that dress,

I'd say
mission accomplished.

Gets a little better.

Wait till you see
what's on underneath.

Fresh tako with lemon.
Enjoy.

I... ordered
the appetizer special.

Oh, I thought tako
was a kind of tuna.

Ooh. We're so not
eating this.

Well, we should
at least try it.

Please,
it's moving, Bert.

Uhh...

Oh, it's so gross !

Actually, it's...
not that bad.

Really ?

I'm not eating it.

To us...

on our third anniversary.

The day I met you was...

was...

Bert ?

Bert. What is it ?
What...

honey, what's wrong ?

Someone,
please call 911 !

Honey.

Honey...

House.

I assume you're avoiding me
because of the charity gala.

This Friday ?

It's completely
slipped my mind.

So you'll be there ?
No, I meant

it slipped my mind
to tell you I'm not going.

What do you think
it'll look like

if you don't show up
when I get an award ?

Like I don't give a crap
about awards, charities,

what it looks like.

If you ever want...

I RSVPed two days ago.

What, you think
I'm a complete ass ?

If you were already going,
why did you...

Foreplay.

What ?

Are you wearing my tie ?

Oh, I saw it in your closet,

and it happened
to match my shirt.

Why were you
in my closet ?

Looking for a tie.
What's the big deal ?

Obviously, he wants you out
of the closet for some reason.

I suspect marriage,
but I'm liberal that way.

Now, tell me how someone
can have an allergic reaction

when all their tests were
negative for known allergens.

Environmental.

File says he's
a real estate developer.

Could have been exposed
to something

visiting
a construction site.

He's lying.

He's not an executive.
I saw his hands.

They're covered with calluses
and little cuts.

He works with them.

A lot.

Stand up.

Uh... Oh...

Our little girl...
is finally growing up.

I mean, you dream
of this day,

but when it finally
happens...

So what did
Mr. Meat Hooks say

when you called him
a liar ?

Uh...

I didn't.

Hmm. Baby steps.

Go down there and do it.

Um...

But what if I'm wrong ?

I'll just end up
offending him.

Consider that part
a bonus.

All right, I'll send along

one of your big brothers
to help.

You want scary, smarmy,
or shorty ?

We need to ask you
a few questions.

Alone.
If you don't mind.

Uh, they tend to be
personal in nature.

I'm his wife.

I can probably answer them
better than he can.

They're about
his job.

Well, what does
that matter ?

He sits in an office
all day...

Honey, take a break.
It's okay.

No !

Seriously, if there's
something

really wrong with him,
I- I wanna know about it.

It's not.

Our questions are about
what he eats for lunch at work

and what comes out at the end...

bowel movements, mostly.

Color, texture.
Smell.

Oka...

Pretty sure you can't
help with that.

Maybe I could use
a break.

Thank you for your honesty.

You're welcome.

I can't let my wife
find out about this.

You have to promise me.

That depends on if
it's considered...

We promise.

I lost everything
because of the recession,

my entire real estate company.

And she has no idea.

So what do you do
for a living now ?

I used to be a janitor
when I was in college,

and now I'm almost 40

and doing it for
the people I built homes for.

Why ?

What do you think ?

'Cause I need the money.

No, I mean why
lie to your wife about it ?

Oh, n-none of
our business, really.

What kind of cleaning ?

Industrial jobs.

Crime scene cleanup.

Septic tank repair.
Mold removal.

It's physically killing me.

It's the holy grail
of potential diseases...

caustic cleaning chemicals,
raw sewage,

mold spores,
fungal infections.

And not to mention
cleaning up blood

and other bodily fluids
from a homicide yesterday.

We should check out
the crime scene.

He might have picked up
a bacterial infection

from the victim's blood.

Place has been cleaned
and sanitized by our patient.

We sent for the autopsy report...
probably take a week to get it.

When he's not working,

where does he go all day
to hide out ?

His old real estate
office ?

Treat for bacterial infection.
Meantime...

Bert take Ernie and check
his office for environmentals.

I'll talk to Cuddy about getting
the autopsy results faster.

You're Bert.

He's Ernie.

And they're both
roommates.

That was a good one.

Well...

at least the Alzheimer's
patient in room 202

won't remember she only
got half a ham sandwich.

I'm doing her a favor.

You're really going
to the charity gala ?

Why ?

I wanna do something
nice for my girlfriend.

You never do anything
unless it stands to benefit you.

I realize that three
failed marriages

can leave a man
twisted and bitter inside,

but in a good relationship,

people sometimes do things
for each other.

A hundred says
you don't show up.

You're giving me an incentive
to actually show up ?

A personal,
selfish incentive ?

I'm just making easy money.

200.

How high did Cuddy
authorize you to go ?

She... she didn't...

300.

She really
wants you there.

Why do people believe

I'm incapable
of doing anything nice ?

Experience.

It's a tie.

I'm not wearing
your underwear.

I said I was sorry.
You want the tie back ?

Can we get to work ?

I can't tell if you're
being passive-aggressive

or this is just your regular
fun-loving personality.

Both. And you can
keep the tie.

Went out of style
five years ago.

Vicodin.

And he doesn't have
a prescription.

We didn't test for an allergic
reaction to narcotics.

Or it's the obvious.

Take a look at this.

We think you're suffering
from boric acid exposure.

Which is causing the rash.

We need to decontaminate
your skin

and hope you didn't
inhale it into your lungs.

I- I feel like I'm...

Never seen a fever spike
this fast before.

Acid exposure burns literally.
It shouldn't be causing this.

What's happening
to him ?

Bert ? Honey,
are you all right ?

We have to get
his fever down right now.

If it gets any higher,

it could cause permanent
brain damage.

We used cooling blankets

to get his temperature
down.

He stabilized at 102.

Problem's not boric acid.

We found no traces of it
on his skin.

Infection from
the murder victim's blood ?

Autopsy report
was negative

for communicable disease.

Cause of death was
an overly stabby girlfriend.

We found Vicodin
in his office.

Give it to me.

Might look like Vicodin
but be something else.

It's real.

Unfortunately...

his Vicodin doesn't cause
rash, fever, and joint pain.

Does make Taub considerably
less annoying, though.

Maybe we're thinking
too far outside the box here.

Just because he could have
picked up any one of a hundred

exotic diseases from his job
doesn't mean he didn't.

Taub's life partner
has a point.

Started treatment with
antibiotics, and he got worse.

Simple answer begins with "M"
ends with "Mia".

Meningococcemia ?

That works too.

Confirm
with a lumbar puncture.

And on the off chance
we're wrong,

find out what else
he's been lying about

besides his job
and his drug use.

You sure do hide a lot
from your wife.

Your job, your drug use.
What else ?

What does it
matter ?

Can't help you unless you're
completely honest with us.

I was doing manual labor.

If I came home
barely able to move,

Diane would know
something's up.

That's why I take the Vicodin...
to hide the pain.

I'm not an addict.

Is that all you're hiding ?

I didn't just lose
my job.

Well, that's how
it started,

but I figured it'd just
last a couple months.

I maxed out
our credit cards,

took a double mortgage
on the house,

and I sold all of
our investments.

Who'd have thought
the recession

would last this long,
huh ?

So it's Obama's fault
you're lying to your wife ?

Look... I screwed up.

It's too late now.

I want you to roll over
on your left side

for the procedure.

Haven't you ever
done something

in a relationship
you wish you could take back ?

Maybe.

How'd you handle it ?

I told the truth.

Eventually.

How'd that work out ?

Not well.

I need some intel

on this charity event
on Friday night.

If I go, do I have to
actually give money to charity ?

I'm going.

Just don't want it to suck.

There has to be a way
to make this fun.

Show up and behave.
Problem solved.

Your problem solved.

Don't you think
she deserves more

than a plaque
and a round of applause

for 15 years
of running this dump ?

It's a watch,
not a plaque.

It's a cliche.

I want to make things
more exciting,

something she'll remember
for more than ten minutes.

Okay. By fun and exciting,

you mean screwing this up
for Cuddy

so she won't even dream of
asking you to go to one again.

You really can't stand
seeing me happy, can you ?

Gram stains are negative
in the first CSF samples.

One down, three to go.

I'm starving.
You wanna get a bite after...

- Already have plans.
- Date ?

What difference
does it make ?

We're roommates,
not a married couple.

We don't have to eat
every night together.

So you're saying...
it's a date ?

Yeah, it's a date.

I don't have plans.

Ooh. Shocking.

Are you mad
because I picked you ?

You're stuck actually
doing your job ?

A little hazing never
hurt a med student.

I doubt it ever...
helped either.

I'm sorry that I think

our patient shouldn't
be lying to his wife.

I'm a woman.

I guess I just have
a different perspective.

You're sharing
this unique insight

that women don't like lying ?

Uh, no, I'm sharing
my unique insight

that you don't
respect women.

You sleep with a different
one every few days.

Or maybe...
you find meaning

in meaningless
relationships.

At least I have relationships.

I'm seeing a high lymphocyte
count in the CSF sample.

And that couldn't wait

until they finished
mocking each other ?

That means it's not
meningococcemia.

He's getting worse !
He can barely move his legs.

I can't feel them.
I can't feel my feet.

What is it ?

What is happening to him ?

Luckily,
he didn't lose his feet.

We were able to restore
his circulation

before any serious
damage set in.

It's not meningococcemia.
CSF was negative for bacteria.

But high on lymphocytes.

It's some kind of
viral infection.

Serum sickness
fits everything.

There'd have to be a cause,
some drug he's been exposed to.

In rare cases,
a tick or a spider bite

could set it off...
Show of hands.

Who's going to this
charity thing Friday night ?

Already got a date.

Cuddy is getting an award.

I think we should
all be there, show our support.

I assume you're planning
on screwing it up,

so you want to maximize
witnesses.

Why does everyone go to that ?

Experience ?

Shut up !

How 'bout go... or work
the clinic all weekend ?

I hear it's genital herpes
awareness month.

Serum sickness fits.

Take him off the antibiotics.
Start him on corticosteroids.

If we're right,
he'll be better by morning.

Canceled date, huh ?

You're bugging
my cell phone ?

No. I just noticed
you're not wearing it.

What ?

Your first-date shirt.

- You tracking my wardrobe ?
- I'm just observant.

- That's why I'm good at my job.
- It's also the reason

you're starting to annoy
the crap out of me.

Forgive me for trying
to connect a little

with my roommate.

I just found out
that Rachel is now

officially more
than just emotional

with her online friend.

You're getting divorced.
What did you expect ?

I know.
You're right.

Just... thinking about it

kinda makes me
wanna throw up.

You still wanna get
something to eat ?

I could cook.

Ooh. That had to hurt.

Not as bad as you.
You just missed a free upgrade.

Ha. Just did it again.

You ran past the power up.

Double damn !

Are you just
letting me win ?

Of course I'm not
letting you...

Okay, maybe a little.

- You're having fun, right ?
- Not anymore.

I used to think
the whole brooding thing

was just part of
your work persona,

but now I live with you.

You need to
lighten up, Bert.

And you think I need you
to show me what ?

How to have fun, relax ?

It was working
till you flipped out.

If I was gonna take advice
on how to live my life,

it would not be from you.

You're broke,
you ruined your marriage,

and yet you act like
you're the victim here,

like somehow we're all
supposed to feel sorry for you.

You screwed up your life,

not some emotional friend
your wife met on the...

Ah !

- What's wrong ?
- My stomach. You...

you poisoned me !

I ate the same thing
you did.

How come I'm not...

Ooh !

Ooh...

Oh, dear God.

Open the door, Bert, please.

Baby, talk to me.

He locked himself inside.
He went crazy.

He hit me.

Bert.

Open the door, Bert.

Bert ?

I can't get out !
Why ?

I can't get out !

Oh, lord, oh, no !

Why can't I... get out ?

Skin rash is gone.

But whatever it is,

it obviously
moved into his brain.

Or not.
He had a psychotic break.

I'd say that usually indicates
neurological involvement.

Usually.
Not always.

The hallucinations
stopped

once the steroids we gave him
cleared his system.

I think that...
Mm.

I think we caused this.

What happened to you ?

Taub tried to kill me
last night.

The steroids probably

did clear up the rash,

but the rest of
his symptoms are the same.

And now bilateral
conjunctivitis.

Uh, excuse me.
I'll be back.

I...

I, uh, better go
check on him.

Swollen joints,
high white count, fever.

Conjunctivitis.

Anyone ?

Taub and Foreman:
Seriously ?

What, you two can't think
and poop at the same time ?

There's a life at stake here !

Uh... could be

familial mediterranean
fever ?

Not likely.

That almost always presents
with abdominal pain or...

diarrhea.

Given his job,
the skin and eye involvement,

it's more likely
a systemic fungal infection.

Well, we would have
seen it in his blood work.

Unless the saline used

to recover and store
the tissue samples

has been shown
in recent studies...

get new blood and CSF samples

using formaldehyde
instead of saline.

And start him and his wife
on triple antifungal therapy.

His wife ?

Well, if he's really trying
to keep her happy,

I assume
they've shared bodily fluids.

I hate you.

You could have picked it up
from your job.

The... real one,
not the fake one.

If you had been
more honest about...

how is that relevant ?

If his wife knew
about his job,

they both might have been
more alert

to the early symptoms.

We could have
caught it earlier.

That's ridiculous.

My God, sweetheart,
I'm so sorry.

Whatever you're doing,
it's obviously not working.

We think he has
a systemic fungal infection.

We're starting him on a
parenteral antifungal regimen.

It can be transferred
through bodily fluids,

so we have to start you
on the treatment as well.

A fungus ?
Where would he...

It could be from anywhere.
The spores can become airborne.

But why would he be
the only one ?

No one in our neighborhood,

no one in his
office building ?

Sometimes it just
happens... that way.

It's hard to explain.

No. It's not.

I need to talk to my wife
in private for a moment.

Your numbers indicate
the medication

isn't helping
with your cholesterol.

Hey !

Huh ?
What are you doing ?

What's it look like
I'm doing ?

Auditioning a band
for Friday night.

So you're trying
to ruin Cuddy's moment

in the spotlight.

Ruin ? These guys recorded
with Juan Gabriel.

They're gonna cost me
2 grand.

This is not a prank.

These guys are the beginning

of Cuddy's evening
to remember.

Which, in turn,
will make my evening...

I think, if you do this,

your evening will end
with you in your apartment

alone... with a sock.

Muchachos, adelante.

Tres, cuatro...

This is all for the best.

Yeah.

Either that or...
the opposite.

If it means anything, um...

I think he's honestly
just trying to protect you

and keep you happy.

Oh, God, of course he would
tell a bunch of strangers

before he would tell me.

I mean, why not ?

I'm just a stupid
housewife, right ?

You know, I have something
you can share with him.

It's over.

He's a liar, and I never
want to hear from him again.

You may wanna go check on him.
His fever's back.

But I am done
worrying about him.

- She's right. He's at 101.
- Diane ?

We're gonna have to get
your fever down.

What... what's wrong ?
What are you saying ?

I can't hear you.

I can't...
I can't hear anything !

Why can't I hear anything ?

His hearing's almost
almost completely gone.

The new blood and CSF tests

were negative
for spores and fungus.

Tumor necrosis factor syndrome ?

Fits the conjunctivitis and
painful swelling in his joints.

Except it's never been
documented

to cause hearing loss.

Ever.

Oh, no,
she di'int !

This isn't the classroom.
In the real world,

real doctors know
that patients can have

more than one thing
wrong with them.

Zing.
He was taking Vicodin.

Extreme abusers
can experience hearing loss.

Except his drug levels

never got into
the ototoxic zone.

You have a better idea ?

I do.

Only in the sense

that you're wasting my time
with a bad idea

and she's wasting my time
with no idea.

Maybe we should hear
from silent and silenter.

It's probably
neurological.

Brain tumor ?

Or a viral infection
that's reached his brain.

I say we go with Ernie
on this one.

Get an MRI.
Find it.

I'm gonna move out
next week.

I'd rather stay friends
than be roommates.

Just make sure
I get my keys back.

It's not my fault.

I cooked it thoroughly !

Looking forward
to Friday night ?

Yes and no.

Yes, because it is
a great honor,

and no because...

Well,
you know the because.

You think House
is going to embarrass you.

Well, not intentionally.

- Maybe intentionally.
- I know what you mean.

I picture him doing
something stupid like...

hiring a mariachi band
or something.

Well, actually,
I could get behind that.

I tried to hire one
last year,

but the board
wouldn't let me

because they thought
it was too expensive.

I'm freezing.

Is... is Diane coming back ?

Bedside 101...
when a patient is near death,

try to be nice.

She's not coming back.
I'm not gonna lie to him.

Stop.

- What ? You heard what she said.
- He's seizing.

We gotta get him
out of there.

Both his kidneys are fried.

He's in a coma.

He has maybe
a few days left.

We can try and get him
on the transplant list,

but in his condition
and without a diagnosis,

I don't see him
getting selected.

He wouldn't survive
the surgery.

Hence
my previous comment.

What do you want us
to do, House ?

If it's a tumor,
we start chemo.

Bombard his head
with radiation.

Which will probably
kill him in this state.

And without an MRI,

we don't even know
if he has one.

He's definitely dead
if we do nothing.

If I'm wrong,

all we do
is shave a few hours off.

We'll need his wife's
consent.

Masters will get it.

Probably
not a good idea.

Uh, he's right.
No, he's not.

Consider this me officially
booting you out of the nest.

Just wanted to watch.

Do you even like me ?

Why ?

I put making friends
and having relationships on hold

so I could concentrate
on studying.

I always thought

there'll be plenty of time
for that in the future.

But...

now when I do want them...

I can't even get a date
to this charity event.

If I can't establish
relationships

in my personal life,

how will I ever
do it with a patient ?

Be honest with her.

But if it comes down
to a choice

between the brutal truth
and hope,

side with hope.

He's in a coma.

We think it's a brain tumor,

and we need your permission
to start treatment.

Due to his current condition,
the risk factor...

You mean...
It could kill him ?

It's possible.

But... there is still hope.

Can he hear me ?

They say that...

that people in comas
can still do that.

Sometimes,
but your husband's hearing...

is fine.

I didn't mean any
of those awful things I said.

I'm so sorry.

I love you, Bert.

I've always loved you.

I also kept a secret
from you.

I was gonna tell you
at the restaurant...

but you got sick.

And I wanted to wait
until you felt better.

I'm pregnant, sweetheart.

You're gonna be a daddy.

Why rash again ?

It went away.

It needs a reason
to come back.

We know it's not
an allergic reaction,

so we must have done something
to set it off again.

What ?

We put him on dialysis ?
Moved him to the ICU ?

- We also did a partial MRI.
- Two hours before the rash came back.

They're not connected.

What was he doing

two hours before
he broke out the first time ?

Cleaning a crime scene.

Crime scene and an MRI.

Still not seeing
the connection.

We've been missing
connections this entire case.

Did he say anything ?

Did he show any signs of
stress in the MRI room ?

He said he was cold,

but it's always
freezing in there.

Cold and rash.

Cold urticaria
causes rash,

but it's almost instantaneous
and not time-delayed.

And it wouldn't explain
his other symptoms.

That's what we did.

We made him cold.

Caps.

Genetic disorder caused by
a mutation in the cold-induced

autoinflammatory
syndrome one gene.

Muckle-wells syndrome ?

There's only been
a couple thousand

documented cases
in the U.S.

Well, now there's
a couple thousand and one.

Fits every symptom there.

We're idiots
for not seeing it before.

Treat with Rilonacept.

He'll live a long
and healthy life

filled with lies to his wife
and future child.

# I call you now #

# to tell you
I'm thinking of you #

# does me no good #

# when the phone
is just blocking my view #

# and I would #

# sail back to you #

# and I would #

# sail back to you #

# and I would come back #

# and admit that
it wasn't your fault #

# but I'm tired
and unwilling #

# to be the only one
who was wrong #

# and I would #

# sail back to you #

# and I would #

# sail back to you #

You okay ?

Why wouldn't I be ?

Solved my case.

But your patient died.

I didn't say in time.

It happens.

I can't save everyone.

I just came to apologize.

You're right.

I am turning bitter
and cynical inside.

You're finally putting
the cat down.

She loves mariachi.

I told you.

Go home and... change.

Party's in a few hours.

You don't have to move out

if you don't want to.

I realize you might
have had a point.

I've been alone
a long time.

And I don't want to
end up like House.

What you said about me
and my marriage was...

- I was being an ass.
- True.

But you were right.

I needed to hear it.

So we're good.

You know,
I have a couple tickets...

Don't push it.

Taub and Foreman done ?
I'm hitching a ride with them.

Me too.

You're not picking up
your date ?

Naw. Going solo.

All those meaningless
relationships

tend to wear a guy out
after a while.

We've got 15 minutes
to get there

if we wanna see the board freak

when House's mariachi band
marches in.

All of them are gone,
Wilson.

They're all dead because
I am screwed up.

You lost one patient.

And it wasn't your fault.

What about that mom
who gave her baby cancer ?

If I'd figured that one
out quicker,

she'd still be a mom
alive.

She refused treatment
when it was offered.

How is that your fault ?

And there was that guy

I spent a day trapped
in isolation with.

He was five feet away
the whole time.

Just watched him die
like an idiot.

Yeah. You' lost patients
before,

and you'll lose patients
again. Why...

Exactly ! Why ?

Because love
and happiness are...

nothing but distractions.

The only thing my relationship
with Cuddy has done for me

is make me a worse doctor.

Right.
The great Dr. House

doesn't deserve
to be happy.

You know it's not true.

My happiness
is being paid for

by other people's lives.

How is she ?

She's worried.

She's upset that you
didn't show up tonight.

I gotta tell her
the truth, Wilson.

First... First,

you're not driving
anywhere.

And second,

you are definitely not
talking to Cuddy like this.

Okay.

I'm gonna walk.

We really,
really need to talk.

You're drunk.
And you screwed up big time.

Go home !

You completely
disappeared on me.

You wouldn't even answer
your cell phone.

You're gonna want to...
sit down for this.

Go ahead.

Sit, sit, sit, sit, sit.

I've made a decision.

Being happy
and being in love with you...

makes me a crappy doctor.

Shut up.

You're too drunk
to end this relationship.

I am drunk.

And I'm also right.

You have made me
a worse doctor.

And people are gonna die
because of that.

And...

You...

Are totally worth it.

If I had to choose
between...

saving everyone

and loving you
and being happy...

I choose you.

I choose being happy
with you.

I will always choose you.

My head's on your vagina.

Go to sleep, House.

Yeah.
I am kinda tired.