House (2004–2012): Season 5, Episode 10 - Let Them Eat Cake - full transcript

Do you want a lean body
for summer? Well,
the time to start is now.

No gimmicks, no crash diets,
and absolutely no drugs.

Think healthy,
and be healthy.

You can start now,

just pick up the phone
and become the best you
you can be.

(MAN GROANS)

Cut! Going again.

Sorry. Did I mess up
the commercial?

No, it's fine.
Are you okay?

I think it's cramps.
Oh! I'm burning on my side.

Sit down, take a few minutes
and catch your breath.



Everybody else,
keep running.

We're not filming.

We don't do this
for the cameras,
we do it for ourselves.

We can't go again
with him sitting there.

Fine. But that felt phony.
At least let me get
a little workout,

maybe if I'm breathing as hard
as they are I won't seem like
such an evil taskmaster.

All right, take five, guys.

(SIGHS)

How you feeling?

I think I'm ready to do this.

You sure? That's it.
That's the way to
fight through.

All right, concentrate
on those knees,
lean into it and lift.

Lifting. Lifting. Lifting.
Come on, push it!

Come on, you're
almost at the top.



Those eight steps
are the difference
between fat and thin.

Seven, six, five,
four, one more.
Nice job!

(LAUGHS)

Feel that burn?

That's your body
carving out its new shape.

New shape.

Don't sit, just take it
slow on the way down.

Oh, boy.

(EXHALES)

Are you okay?

(EXCLAIMS)

You okay?

Any idea why we're getting
half as many requests
for you as usual?

Democrats'
health care plan?

At least we have one case
that looks intriguing.

30-year-old fitness trainer
suddenly can't breathe,

collapses and
breaks her ankle.

That's it? You're not
gonna argue why this
case is beneath you?

No point,
I'm in an elevator.
I can't run away.

You can't run away anyway.

That's just mean.

Why are we
still together?

We are going to
our office.

Pronoun confusion,
starts kicking in once you
pass the childbearing age.

Now that's just mean.
My office was
recently destroyed.

I thought I'd use
the office of the doctor
directly responsible.

I think the patient
holding the gun to my head

was actually the one
directly responsible.

My desk won't fit in his cell.
You can use our outer office.

Where's Foreman
and Thirteen?

Down in the GRC.

Thirteen started her
clinical trials today.

What's Cuddy doing
in your office?

Other than throwing off
the feng shui

with her ass that faces
all eight sides of
the Bagua at once?

These walls
aren't soundproof.

I'm well aware.

Normal CT means
that her lung problem

has the distinction of having
nothing to do with her lungs.

Steroids. No one looks
this fit without cheating.

Anabolic steroids
hack away at the
immune system,

left her open to
a pulmonary infection.

Wow. Muscles and curves.
My penis is so confused.

She's not on steroids.

Her program's all about
getting in shape naturally,

exercising, eating right.

And you know
this because?

She has infomercials
to sell her DVDs.

What? I'm up late a lot.

And you actually believe
what you see on TV?
Go run the labs.

CUDDY: The labs are back
and there's no sign
of steroid use.

Can someone please
read her file?

Can someone please
stop back seat
differential-ating?

KUTNER: What about allergies?

She goes jogging every
morning, inhales car
fumes during rush hour.

Perfect, except that she
was jogging half a mile
from the nearest road.

In the cold.

Cold air hits the lungs,
sets off an attack,
exercise-induced asthma.

Nice try, except EIA doesn't
account for the elevated BP.

If you'd read the file...

Come on,
before the shrieking
harpy melts my brain.

Her BP's fine.
I know.

Exercise-induced
asthma actually fits.

I know. You know.
She can't know.

The only good way
to test for EIA

is to recreate the conditions
in which the attack occurred.

But we can't exactly make her
run out in the cold
on a broken ankle.

Get creative.

It's gonna be okay.

Any shortness of breath?
Tightness in your chest?

Feeling pretty
good, actually.

Not even
breathing hard.

O2 sats and lung capacity
are still well within range.

Cuff's slipping down,
you wanna stop for a moment?

Rather not.
Haven't had any
exercise in two days.

Take it you don't get
a lot of fat in your diet.

I take it from your tone
you think that's a bad thing.

Do you ever indulge?

There's more to life
than indulging your
every whim.

I didn't say "every."
But a whim every now and
then can make life a little...

You okay?
Trouble breathing?

No, I feel fine. Why?

(HEART MONITOR FLATLINING)

No pulse.
This isn't asthma.

There are a lot of
other people in the trial?

I'm taking over the people
that already started it at
Mercy, so I'm pretty full.

Stop.

One more time.
No talking.

I shouldn't be here.
It's nepotism.

I know the guy running the
drug trial, so I get a spot.

You have Huntington's,
so you get a spot. Stop.

One more time.
Just the fingers,
no mouth.

The point of this thing
is to improve neural
cell longevity,

which doesn't matter much
before symptoms,

so you should give
my spot to someone...

Shut up.

Stop.

You can stop
feeling guilty.

Your best tapping
rate was.004 taps
per millisecond.

Means your nerves
have started degenerating.

You want to work in here?
Fine. Me, too.

We'll split the desk 50-50.
That side's yours,
this side's mine.

You're right.

There's plenty of space here,
neither one of us
needs all of it.

That's your strategy?
Taking the high road?
It's not going to work.

Huh? Did you say something?

I couldn't hear you from
all the way over here
on my side of the desk.

TAUB: Patient's
heart stopped.

We shocked her
back to sinus rhythm,
she's stable.

Test didn't set it off,
her EKG was normal.

Well, she's consistent.

Lung problems
have nothing to do
with her lungs,

heart problem
that has nothing to do
with her heart.

Something is
strangling her system.

Carcinoid tumor.

Find it, cut it out.

Can a leaking breast
implant cause joint pain?

No, and she clearly doesn't
have implants. Or joint pain.
What's going on?

Got another patient.

I set up an online
second opinion clinic.

People who don't like
or trust their doctors
e-mail symptoms,

I can knock off four or five
cases over lunch, clear two
grand by e-mailing them back.

Ascending colon's clean.

That's gotta be illegal.

Only in nine states,
and this isn't one of them.

Legal notice spells out
it doesn't replace
doctor's visits,

so there's no opportunity
for malpractice.

How come
you haven't said
anything about this?

It's no big secret.
I guess I'm just
not very chatty.

You told us when you
renewed your subscription
to National Geographic.

Small intestine looks clean,
moving into the pylorus.

So you don't mind
if I tell House?

Actually, House may
sort of mind. Because I sort
of set it up in House's name.

Nothing in the bile duct.

And by "set it up in
his name," you mean?

I mean, it's
Dr. Gregory House's
Second Opinion Clinic

with medical advice
direct from Dr. Gregory House.

You're insane.
With two days to live.

House's never
gonna find out.

He will if I tell him.

Or you cut me in for 30%,
and I keep your secret safe.

That's blackmail.

Yes.

Moving into the... Whoa.

That's her stomach?
It's the size of
a shot glass.

Because our patient's
a big, fat cheater.

Subtle. No way you
geniuses could have
spotted this.

Gastric bypass surgery,
she had her stomach stapled,

then had the records from
her files pulled so it
wouldn't ruin her DVD sales.

Can you do this outside?

I could. But that would defeat
the purpose of doing it here.

Where are the smart guys?

If you mean
Foreman and Thirteen,

apparently the first
appointment of the drug
trial is an all-day thing.

I said yes to this?

Her gastric bypass
procedure could cause...

Forget the bypass,
treat her like a fat girl.

Should we treat her like
a 60-year-old Asian man, too?

She's not fat.

Not on the outside,
but on the inside
she's still tons of fun.

When she was obese,
she probably had
Type 2 diabetes,

could have left her
with permanent nerve damage.

Ten points for doing
what I said, minus ten
points for doing it badly.

If this was diabetes-induced
nerve damage, it would've
kicked in years ago.

Have you seen my balls?

Can you hold on a second?

My balls.
Have you seen my balls?
The giant one and the red one.

Your plan isn't
going to work.

Of course it is.

I try to make you miserable
to make you leave.

You deny that it's
making you miserable,

you try to make me
miserable so I'll stop
making you miserable.

And eventually you will leave,
citing reasons that have
nothing to do with misery.

You're not bothering me.

Step one, complete.

I'm gonna call you from
my cell. And then I will
come back in here.

Hey. Yeah, I just had to
explain to him that
I had his balls,

and he's not getting
them back. Excuse me.

Sleep apnea explains...

Apnea would've disappeared
when she shrank.

Not if it destroyed
the musculature
of her trachea.

Apnea cuts off oxygen
to the brain, the resulting
neurological damage...

She been snoring?

She didn't mention it.

Did she mention feeling tired
after a full night's sleep?

No, but...
HOUSE: This isn't apnea.

And this is a stupid room
to be doing a DDX in.

Cliff notes. Gastric bypass
only makes her skinny
on the outside.

On the inside we have heart
and lung issues not caused
by heart and lung issues.

Private area, House.
It can wait.

You need to consider
side-effects from her
gastric bypass surgery.

KUTNER: Forget the bypass.

Let the dying girl finish.

You said forget
the bypass...
Shh.

Dr. Thirteen
has the floor.

Bypass could create
malabsorption issues,
leads to low potassium.

Very stupid.
Her potassium is fine.

But her intestines aren't.

Gastric bypass could cause
malabsorption by creating
a blind loop of bowel.

It ulcerates during exercise,
bacteria get loose
in the blood stream,

migrate to the
heart and lungs.

Very not stupid.

Bacteria in the bowels means
there's bacteria in the poop.

Get some and test it.

He could have come up
with SIBO anywhere
else in the hospital.

You didn't need to
come down here
and screw with us.

But her wrong idea
led to his right one.
It was a vital screwing.

We think your surgery
might have caused
an infection called SIBO.

A stool test will help us
to confirm. Put some of
what you're full of in here.

If surgery could
somehow make you taller,
wouldn't you do it?

Sure, but I wouldn't
call a meeting of
the Lollipop Guild

and tell them they can grow
if they work real hard at it.

I don't tell anyone
not to get gastric bypass.

I tell them how to
get healthy, how to
improve their lives.

Yeah, by telling them to do
what you were unwilling to.

I was willing
to do anything.

Thyroid hormones,
crash diets,
none of it worked.

My body was
like a prison.

When I got the surgery,
I got healthy and when
I got healthy, I got happy.

I'm not sure you're happy.

But if you are,
being healthy didn't do it,
being pretty did.

Poop in the bedpan.

House's office? Really?

Did he send you here
to beg for it back?

There are dozens
of other doctors...

Other doctors actually use
their offices for crazy stuff
like seeing patients,

not throwing a ball
against the wall
and calling it work.

It's his process.
That ball saves lives.

Did he give you
talking points?

Yeah, but I added
one of my own.

Don't take his office
and pretend like all you're
doing is taking his office.

You chose his room
because you want to be there.

But sitting near him
and hoping isn't
going to get it done.

Leave here now
or I'll take your office.

No, you won't.

The boob lady e-mailed
me again, complaining
of chronic fatigue now.

She's convinced
the implants are
responsible.

They're not.
I told her.

She says something is
and if I don't find out what

she's gonna complain
to the Licensing Board.

It's not funny.
It is.

You just can't appreciate it
because it's going to
destroy your career.

What happened?
Did he call Foreman
clean and articulate again?

It is surprising.

Clinic patient's
just whining.

What's the poop?

It's going to take
about an hour to
spin down the sample.

What are we looking for?

You don't know?

I'm doing my famous
Socrates impression. Think
I really nailed the accent.

High fat content
indicates SIBO.

And what does
fat do in water?

It floats.

And what else
floats in water?

The correct answer is a duck.

If it doesn't float,
Kutner missed the boat.

Looks like I was wrong
to dismiss apnea.

You guys can stay up
all night gloating
in the sleep lab.

KUTNER: What about all that
scar tissue around the
implant, could that be...

That amount of encapsulation
is perfectly normal.

I gotta tell her something.

Tell her to find a decent
plastic surgeon who can
correct the placement...

Yeah, that's what she
wants to hear, she's sick
and she's lopsided.

Tell her it's a virus.
It probably is, and it'll get
her off your back for a few...

Emmy's EEG is flat-lining.

Where would she have gone?

(PANTING)

Hey, I looked for you guys
in the control room,
but you seemed busy.

Get off of there,
last time you exercised
you had a cardiac incident.

I feel fine.
You felt fine last time.

I only slept a couple of hours
but I feel great.

Can I get one of
those machines?

You're running on
a broken ankle.

EMMY: It doesn't hurt.

And your leg is bleeding.

You feel that?

What does that mean?

The numbness in her left foot
is ascending into her leg.

How'd she manage to
sneak out for a run?

She said she needed
to use the bathroom.

You two get the results
of the sleep apnea test,

or did those need to use
the bathroom, too?

Alpha waves on
the EEG ruled it out.

(ALL EXCLAIMING IN DISGUST)

I was mixing some
hydrogen sulphide for
good and valid reasons

and must have spilled
some on my side.

Did it waft over
to your side?

Cunning plan.

You do realize
it's going to stink for
hours, on both sides.

Oh! Would you look
at the time?

I hope your patient isn't
still sick, forcing you
to stay here all night.

Ascending numbness means
her nerves are breaking down.

(PAGER BEEPING)
Or her brain.

Or both.

We've gotta go.
Let me finish,
I'll meet you down there.

You were 15 minutes late
yesterday. I don't want you
to develop bad habits.

Appreciate the life lesson,

but 15 minutes, give or take,
isn't going to make
a difference.

Get started on your
other patients, I'll be down
there when we're done here.

Way to know where
your bread is buttered,
sister. Up high.

If the problem
is in her brain,
it could be MS.

Or early onset
Parkinson's.

But if it's her nerves,
it could be transverse
myelitis.

Or a million other things.

We're gonna stay in the dark
until we can figure out

if her electrical problem
is in her power station or
in the high tension wires.

Power station's the brain,
wires are the nerves.
Run an NCV test.

TAUB: The test will
measure the amount
of time it will take

this electrical impulse
to travel along your nerves.

Will it hurt?
No. Give me your arm.

You can ask nicely.

I learned in med school,
you don't actually
cure with kindness.

(SIGHS)

You're right,
I'm a hypocrite.

But I don't have a choice.

Not really interested
in your rationalizations.

If I'm open about the
gastric bypass, no one
would listen to me anymore.

You mean no one
would buy your DVDs.

It's not about the DVD sales.
I'm helping people.

My clients are making
themselves healthy.
They're living better lives.

Can you honestly tell me
you've never done
anything hypocritical?

I'm sure you
had good reasons.

Give me your arm, please.

Keep your arm raised.

Does this mean
something is wrong
with my nerves?

No. It's your muscles.

We don't need
to run this test.
It's not what we thought.

She has muscle
weakness, could indicate
myasthenia gravis.

Yeah.

Also could be
some kind of toxin.

Excuse me.
Are you going up to
the personnel floors?

I'm going to see Dr. House.

Do you have an
appointment with him?

We've been emailing.

Joint pain and fatigue
thanks to these.

I'm sure it's nothing.

Oh, now this.

He's actually downstairs.

Gone. Gone for the day.

But we work for him,
we can set you up in the ER.

The antibiotics will
make her feel better,
she's out of here by morning.

If it is a staph infection.
It's gotta be.

She has sleeves
of tattoos and piercings
from God knows where.

She has muscle weakness,
could indicate
myasthenia gravis.

I had the weirdest dream,
you guys did the test in
a reasonable amount of time

and came back here
before I had time
to fall asleep.

You guys still smell that?

Maybe you should just
let her have your office?

Or...

(IMITATING SEAN CONNERY)
She sends one of yours
to the hospital,

send one of hers
to the morgue.

It's not myasthenia gravis,

her breathing's improving
and the weakness is
in her extremities.

Could be a botulinum reaction.

I don't think sabotaging
your boss' office is
a wise counterattack.

All that is needed
for evil to succeed is for
good men to do nothing.

She probably used
a lot of Botox to
tighten up her skin.

True. Could also be
any kind of heavy
metal toxicity.

PSP or arsenic
from eating too
much seafood,

cadmium from
bad bottled water,

lead or nickel
from canned fruits
or natural grains.

I don't think replacing
that was part of the
renovation plans.

It is now.

Lucky for us, we can treat
all those toxins with
the same thing, chelation.

You never showed up.

Get out of my house.

I wanted to find proof that
you were slipping back into
your self-destructive pattern,

confirm you weren't
worth my time.

Instead I found this.

You've followed
all of my instructions
to the letter,

probably better than
any patient I have.

So why are you the only one
who can't show up
for appointments?

I came down
right after I was
finished with House.

You were in your office
with another patient.

And there was another patient
in the waiting room.

Janice.

I'm well aware of what's going
to happen to my body over
the next eight to 10 years.

I do not need a visual
reminder every time
I walk into that place.

That's understandable.

It's human.

And you need
to get over it.

Now, you show up
on time tomorrow or
you don't show up at all.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

JOHN: Your mom is leaving.
You're gonna regret this
the rest of your life.

TAUB: The chelation didn't
work, her muscles are
still deteriorating.

Rules out toxins. So what
else that can go wrong when
the Hindenburg deflates?

Why aren't we doing
this in your office?

Obviously because it would be
stupid to do this in an office
with no furniture.

Cuddy overreacted
to my overreaction.

Coronaro-cardiac fistula.
Even a small hole
could cause...

They start in the lungs,
not the heart.

And why are you leaning
on a 45 degree angle
away from Foreman?

I'm sitting straight.

Trouble in the
Land of False Hope?

Everything is fine.
Austrian syndrome.

Nice deflection,
but our patient doesn't drink,
she's a health nut.

And even if I was
a cynical guy and
thought she was a liar,

I would have done a tox
screen which would've come
back negative for alcohol.

You should come to these
gatherings more often,

keep you from
looking like an idiot.

(PAGER BEEPING)

You making book
or did something else
happen to our patient?

Personal.
I'll put it on vibrate.

(PAGER BEEPING)

Guillain-Barré.

Usually starts as a muscle
pain patients compare to
the pain of over-exercising.

So who's paging you?
Your wife?

Does it worry you
that she paged
Kutner first?

Guillain-Barré fits,
patient didn't notice
the initial symptoms

because it's no different
than how she feels every day.

Her muscle weakness
is the precursor to
full paralysis.

Gastric bypass
probably set it off.

At what price beauty?
Go start her on
plasmapheresis.

(SINGING) She put
the lime in the coconut
She drank it all up

She put the lime
in the coconut
She drank it all up

Deedee? Can you
stop singing?

CAMERON: Musical automatism,
she could be having
a partial seizure right now.

You need to get House.

Deedee!

Yelling at her
is not gonna be
an effective treatment.

She's faking.
It's a cry for attention.

Her brain could be misfiring.

Right, a rare neurological
disorder is far more likely
than a cry for attention.

I mean, nothing about
this woman screams
"look at me."

On the other hand,
look at her.

(CONTINUES SINGING)

She needs a full neurological
work-up. Get House.

(SIGHS)

Ultimate irony.
I killed myself trying
to make myself healthy.

You're not dying, okay?
This disease is manageable.

Better start getting
used to that wheelchair.

Self-pity doesn't suit you.

Just take me down to the...

No. You're strong
enough to walk.

Come on, get your ass
out of bed and walk.

Could be an aneurysm,
we've got to control
her blood pressure,

start her on a calcium
channel blocker.

Or you could tell House.

I can't tell House.

You'll be in trouble.

On the other hand,
she's sick.

She's singing.

And bleeding out of her ears
and losing her hair.

And an aneurysm
doesn't explain
her joint pain.

Wilson's disease does.

No Kayser-Fleischer rings.

Anorexia.

Now you're just desperate.

Biliary tumor causing
paraneoplastic syndrome.

That might actually fit.
I'll scan to confirm.

You'd do that for me?
You don't have the time.

Which means I can ask
for 25% of your income
and you'll give it to me.

You going over the fence?

It took three visits,
but I finally convinced
the contractor

that I'm Cuddy's boss
and all the office renovation
plans need to go through me.

You did do the
math on this, right?

Screwing with her office
means her renovations
will take longer,

means she'll be
in your office longer.

See there?
I'm having a bidet put
in instead of a toilet.

Not in addition to,
instead of.

You want to know
what happened to
the old toilet?

She'll be with you
where you claim
to not want her.

I smashed it with
a sledgehammer.

I think in some
ancient cultures

that was actually considered
a proposal of marriage.

Is this fun for you?
Analyzing everyone
else's fun away?

Ask her out, it'll cost
the hospital a lot less.

I brought some visitors.
Cheer you up.

It's okay,
come on in, guys.

We're all staying
on your plan.
Nobody's cheating.

That's great.
You're on my arm.

We found out about your
gastric bypass. How could
you lie to us like that?

The doctors told you?
You're really hurting my arm.

You're not the best you
you can be.

You're a fraud.
You're a self-hating
fat person.

(CRYING) You're
really hurting me.

Feel the burn.

ALL: Burn. Burn.

EMMY: Help. Help!

ALL: Burn. Burn! Burn!

Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn! Burn!
Help!

(EMMY SCREAMING)

Get off of me!
Get off of me!
Get off of me!

TAUB: Mood congruent
hallucinations.

KUTNER: Means it's
not Guillain-Barré.

Which means whatever it is,
it's now in her brain.

Where are you going?

Sorry. Treatment.

Does Foreman schedule
your appointments by
numbers on the clock,

or just by when I'm in
the middle of something?

Sorry if I'm dying
at a bad time for you.
Could be CNS lymphoma.

So losing the 200 pounds
was just a coincidence?

What about a prion disease?

If her brain is
slowly turning into
a Swiss cheese,

there's not
a lot we can do.

There are some
possible treatments.

Get a brain biopsy to confirm.

You are not cutting
into this woman's brain
before you test.

That is the test.

Not for CNS lymphoma,

which is a perfectly
legitimate diagnosis, one you
can test for non-invasively.

You're, obviously,
not opposed to
being invasive.

Rule out CNS lymphoma first,
then rule out astrocytoma,

then rule out
other brain tumors...

(BLOWS)

I hereby declare
them ruled out.

Run the tests.

You can do a brain biopsy,
but only as a last resort.

Start running down
Cuddy's list of
"Diseases it's not."

You're not stopping me
for medical reasons.

You're stopping me
because you have
the hots for me.

You're still here
because you have
the hots for me.

Evidenced by the fact
that I'm the one who
moved into your office.

It's the biggest office.
And I'm not the one that...

Why are you dressed like that?
Why do you try so hard
to get my attention?

Are you screwing with me?

Are you screwing with me?

Depends on your answer.

Everybody knows
this is going somewhere.

I think we're supposed
to kiss now.

We already did that.

Seemed like the
logical next step.

Really?

I'm an idiot for
being surprised.

Can you leave these?

(SIGHS)

I'll keep coming.
But can you change
my appointment time?

Can't. Schedule's full.

You're stuck with her,
might as well get to know her.

Your head MRI was clean,
means you don't have
CNS lymphoma.

What's next on the list?

Other types
of brain tumors.

Can we stop
at the cafeteria?

I can have something
brought up for you.

What do you want?
Chocolate cake.

You can't give up.
We're going to
figure this out.

What am I supposed
to be hoping for?
That you find a brain tumor?

What else could it be?

You were so hard
on me about lying.

How about you take some
of your own advice
and tell me the truth?

What's next on the list?

Prion disease.

And if that's what I got?
How bad?

There are a few treatments.
But there's no guarantee.

I'm sorry.

And you won't let me
have a piece of cake?

(DOOR OPENING)

Where's Cuddy?

It's not CNS lymphoma.

I know.

She's getting worse,
you want me to find Cuddy

and get her approval
for the brain biopsy?

When you were
philandering with impunity,
how did that feel?

Superficially, I loved it,
but deep down I think
I was miserable.

Why? What's going on?

You weren't miserable.

You gave something away
to make a relationship work,

you rationalized
that you're getting
something back.

Okay. I'm gonna go get
Cuddy's approval
for the brain biopsy.

Leave them there.
I'm gonna do
the biopsy myself.

Cuddy wanted us to eliminate
seven different things.

Cuddy doesn't always
get what she wants.

Bad idea to get
into a power play with
somebody who has the power.

You're fired.
Just reinforcing
your point.

Whatever personal drama
you're playing out,
you'd be a lot smarter to...

I thought you said
she was sick.

Sick people don't
spontaneously get better.

Yes, they do, it's called
an immune system.

Sick people
who are sick enough
to make it to me

don't spontaneously
get better.

Not as pithy, but yeah,
technically more accurate.

What's the last
thing you gave her?

I took her for a MRI
looking for...

MRIs detect,
they don't treat.

What did you give her
after the MRI?

I didn't give her anything,
she got depressed at
the lack of direction.

We went to the cafeteria
for some chocolate cake,

took her to her room,
hung a banana bag,
let her rest.

You gave her cake?

She asked for it,
I figured...

You figured you'd
let me play 20 questions
instead of just telling me.

Feeling crappy again?
I've brought your cure.

I'd give you
an IV of the stuff,

but the frosting
tends to get stuck
in the little tube.

Is this a joke?

It's not a joke, not a lie,
not an attempt to
defraud in any way.

Just an actual licensed
physician with an
actual diagnosis.

Hereditary coproporphyria.

Your face is genetically
blessed, your body chemistry
is slightly less so,

doesn't make enough of
a certain enzyme that
I can't pronounce,

but it's apparently
important for your liver
and everything else.

Treatment is
a high-carb diet,
rich in sugar.

When you were a porker,
you were self-medicating.

So this is treatable?

We just have to reverse
your gastric bypass

and get you back
on a high-carb,
glucose enriched diet.

The best you you can be
is a lot more you.

Open the hangar,
here comes the plane.

There's nothing else
you can try?

No. There's a drug that
manages the symptoms
but it's not a cure.

Let's try that.

You don't want to
have the surgery?

Understand.

There's not many people who
have the guts to admit they'd
rather be pretty than healthy.

Income's better and
you get more action.

We'll start you on your
drug treatment right away.

(SIGHS)

I bought it. I bought that
it was really about

trying to make
people's lives
a little better.

You're surprised
she's superficial?

You're a plastic surgeon.
This is the human condition.

No, she's a freak.

Every time you
put someone under
to bob their nose,

you were
risking their life.

What?

No singing. She's better.

No one was supposed to
let my patient leave her bed.

She had
a respiratory arrest,

we coded her
nearly 20 minutes,
but she didn't make it.

House is an unemotional
child incapable of
intimacy or romance.

Trust me.
It's done.

It's perfect.

I like the desk.
A lot of character.

That's not the
one I ordered.

This is my desk
from med school.

You have it in storage
or something?

My mom did.

That was sweet
of her to do that.

She didn't.
My mom has no idea
I'm redoing my office.

I lied to you
the other night.

That woman in the
waiting room, she didn't
freak me out about my future.

She freaked me
out about my past.

Your mother.

Must have been horrible
watching her die.

I wanted her to die.

She just yelled so much.

And for no reason.
Just screamed at me
in front of my friends.

My father tried to explain
to me that her brain
was literally shrinking,

that she didn't mean it,
that it was the disease.

But I didn't care.

I hated her.

I never said goodbye,

and she died
with me hating her.

(SIGHS)

TAUB: Did Chase test
for the biliary tumor?

He said it was negative.

She was stable
when he left her.

We should have
found more time,
we should have...

House is gonna kill us.

Slowly

and painfully.

You're not only
idiots, you're frauds.
Fraudulent idiots.

Fraudulent idiotic killers,
as it turns out.

House, this was really my...
Your fault, yeah!

For pretending to be me
when you're not
even competent.

And your fault for not
ratting him out while
the patient was still alive.

What she had was
easily treatable,
she could have been fine.

Damn treatment's
so simple.

It might still be possible.

KUTNER: House?

House? House,
she's clearly dead.

(GASPS)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

She was dead.

She wasn't dead.
She wasn't even sick,
you moron.

(CHUCKLING)

Seriously, how good was she?
No formal training.
At least not in acting.

Did you see their faces?

I think we may have
an anal hygiene
violation there.

So the CT?

That was from a patient
three years ago.
That was hard to find.

But the hair, makeup,

getting Chase and Cameron
to play along, much easier.

We deserved it.
I'll take down
the website before...

Take it down? You kidding?
It's way too lucrative
to shut it down.

For Chase, for me.

I earn 50% for letting
you use my name.

Chop, chop, go to work,
first dollars go to expenses.

I booked our little thespian
here for two full days.

That's three G's I owe her.

And you still got
three hours left.

Do I?

(CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTERING)