House (2004–2012): Season 3, Episode 15 - Half-Wit - full transcript

I can't do this button.

You almost got it.

Almost got it.

The sound

of the people talking...

Mmm?

(HUMMING)

- It's A-flat.
- Is it?

Well, look how smart
you are, huh?

Here we go.

Here we go.



(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

Thank you.
I am proud to introduce

my son to you,
Patrick Obyedkov.

Twenty-five years ago,
Patrick was in the fourth grade,

a good student,
played Little League

and then there
was the accident.

And here we are,

raising money for people
with similar neurological disabilities.

I hope you enjoy the concert.

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING)

(WHISPERS) You all set?

(WHISPERS) All set.

He's never missed a note.

Something's wrong.



Patrick, what is it?

My hand, it hurts.

Let me see it.

Oh, Papa.

(PATRICK GROANING)

What's the emergency?

Thirty-five-year-old savant.

Dystonia in his left hand.

He paged us at 5:00 in
the morning for that?

I'm going back to bed.
Dystonia's not life threatening.

Clonazepam will
take care of it.

He's already on clonazepam
for seizures he has

from a bus accident
when he was 10.

Then we treat
with benztropine.

What's up?

Thirty-five-year-old savant.
Dystonia.

(SCOFFS)

I'm going back to bed.

Where you going?

Bathroom. It can wait.

There is no case, House.

Even if dystonia was some
big medical mystery, it's not this time.

You're not intrigued as to how a
perfectly healthy 10-year-old boy

with no prior
musical training gets into an accident

on his way to school
and can suddenly play the piano?

Do we have to solve
a 25-year-old case before breakfast?

You two shower together?

- No.
- No.

Double negative.
That's a yes.

Savantism is just
one of those things. It's inexplicable.

Just because it's inexplicted
doesn't mean it's inexplicable.

I want new labs,
CBC with platelets, chem panel,

thyroid and
adrenal function tests.

For what?

I don't know.

FOREMAN: Raise your left hand.

That's your right hand.

What are you looking for?

Just want to make sure
whatever happened doesn't happen again.

- Push up.
- Push up.

He repeats what people say.
It's a compensation mechanism.

He knows he's supposed
to say something

so he repeats
what he's just heard.

Well, that's good.
Shows he's engaged.

Spine's okay.

All right, stick out your tongue
like this. Copy me.

You have a big tongue.

Hey, I know it's
funny but copy me.

(GRUNTS)

There was
construction on Radcliffe.

So I had to get
out of the car

and walk in high
heels for over a mile.

Radcliffe?
What was the cross street?

Does it matter?

I don't know.
I'm not the one who brought it up.

Tie this off. Nice and tight.

Does this have anything
to do with my foot?

You have a blister.

You don't waste
a doctor's time with a blister.

You waste a doctor's time
with more important things,

like the sewer
that's being vented out of your mouth.

My breath?

If you could stop doing that,
we'd all be grateful.

I can't stop breathing.

Nope.
But you can stop puking.

- I don't.
- Your lips say, "No."

Your gnarly fingers say...

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

He's good to go.

It's a shame.
You look cute that thin.

(DOOR SHUTS)

Motor cortex looks good.
Everything checks out.

What tests did you run?

Full battery of
neurological...

I need this blood checked for
cholesterol and glucose levels.

Patient had a foot problem.

Different patient.

There was no
one else in there.

You're using
the wrong equipment.

OBYEDKOV: Dr. Foreman,
I thought we were being discharged.

I'm Dr. House,

and on the off chance
that Dr. Foreman didn't mention it,

I have something
of a gift, too.

Come on.

- Your turn.
- My turn.

Does this have anything to do
with his hand?

It might.

Okay, Patrick.
Close your eyes.

What's this?

- D, G-flat, A-flat, B.
- Yeah. All right, all right.

He's good. Can we let him go?

He's great. He's staying.

(PATRICK PLAYING OFF-KEY)

Call radiology.

We need
a functional MRI on his brain.

FMRl's not gonna show trauma.

We're not looking for trauma.

I want to see the music.

See the music.

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, that's dull.

You think the FMRl's
gonna show a big arrow

pointing to a flashing sign
saying "savantism"?

It would be hugely helpful.

Somehow he got rewired
as a music specialist.

I want to know
how that happens.

He has access to parts of
the brain that you don't.

His brain's doing nothing.

He looks like
any jerk listening.

He's not a savant at listening,
he's a savant at playing.

Well, listening and playing are
two different neurological processes.

Turn off the music.

Patrick,I want you to pretend
that your leg's a piano.

My leg's not a piano.

I know.
That's why I said "pretend."

Kid's a moron.

Keep your head still.
Use your fingers.

(MACHINE BEEPING)

Wow.

Cool, huh?

His heart rate rose.

Emotional response?

Then why's there no activity
in the limbic system?

Unless there's
a problem with his heart.

Do an echo to confirm.

And scrub up.
He's gonna need surgery.

It wasn't dystonia.

He's got a heart
condition that caused

the arteries in
his arm to constrict.

Do you have any idea
why House would want to go to Boston?

The chowder?

Plane tickets this Friday.

I opened his mail.

I heard there's an opening at
Harvard for Division Chief,

Infectious Disease.

Ambition is not one of his
more prominent traits.

Although...

What?

He was testing
blood in the clinic.

I don't think it
was a patient's blood.

Why? It was green?

No, he was checking
for routine stuff.

Makes sense if he's looking for
basic medical clearance for employment.

I'm going home.

No, you're not.

He could show up any minute.

Not with a savant
to obsess about.

I'll take in here.
Bedroom's down the hall.

You've been here?

Where else would
the bedroom be?

Come with?

You're scared of
him catching us breaking into his home

but you're not scared of him catching us
doing it in his bed?

If I'm gonna get
fired anyway...

Almost at the heart.
Ablating and done.

Heart rate's 160.
It's accelerating.

He's at 210!

He's in
supraventricular tachycardia.

Paddles!

Charging-

Clear!

We're wasting our time.

His high-school yearbook.

Unless you think
he's going to Boston

to attend
a high-school reunion,

put it back and let's get out of here
before he comes home.

He's not smiling.

CHASE:
I wonder if he has teeth.

What's the area
code for Boston?

617, why?

WOMAN ON PHONE:
Massachusetts General.May I help you?

Did you think you could steal
Dr. House without a fight?

MEDAK ON PHONE:
Steal him for what?

Quit jerking me around.
I know he's coming out there.

We're not
looking to hire him.

He's called you six times
in the last month.

We're not
looking to hire him.

You think if you keep repeating it,
I'll start believing you?

Dr. Cuddy, there's
nothing else I can say.

I'm sorry.

If he's not coming there
for a job interview,

he's either coming
to your hospital

for a social visit or
because he's a patient.

Is it a social visit,
Dr. Medak?

I can't stand House.

Neither can Dr. Coopersmith.

What's up?

Do you know a
Dr. Coopersmith in Boston?

Yeah. He's an oncologist.

What's up?

- What's his subspecialty?
- Brain cancer.

What's going on?

CUDDY: He doesn't look sick.

He should have symptoms.

Blurred vision, headaches,
confusion, clumsiness.

Depends how far
along the cancer is.

What kind, how aggressive.

He didn't tell you?

House is House.

He's no different
than anyone else with cancer.

Once you tell,
then every conversation is about that.

FOREMAN: Cardiac arrest
means we were wrong.

There was a heart problem.

But no vasoconstriction.

The heart problem
couldn't have caused the hand problem.

Unless the bleed
happened suddenly.

Less blood to the brain
explains the dystonia.

Less blood to the heart
explains the heart attack.

Scope him above and below.

If that doesn't work,
gut him.

Can't you sedate him?

There's a risk his
throat could collapse.

You look mad, Papa.

No.

No, I'm not mad.
I promise you.

It's just that the doctor
has to do something to you and it's...

And it's gonna hurt.

Hurt me? Why hurt me?

Make you better.

What's wrong with me?

Well, they don't know.

Patrick, don't you worry.

Everything is gonna be great.

All right.
Here we go, Patrick.

You wanna hurt me.

Hey, open. Like this.

You just look at me
and everything is gonna be okay.

Look at me now.

Patrick.

There you are.
It's okay. It's okay, really.

Dr. Wilson. Wilson!

I just spoke to Cuddy.

She can't confirm
whether House

is applying for
a job in Boston.

Yeah. I'm late for a...

If I have to look for work,
I have a right to know.

(PLAYING PIANO)

Pref“! -

I wrote this when I was
in junior high school.

Could never figure
out what came next.

Then dimwit
came up with this.

(PLAYING PIANO)

It's good.

It's perfect.

I could set up a tower on the roof
during a lightning storm.

Help you switch
brains with your patient.

Then you would be
the brilliant pianist

and he would be the doctor
hiding brain cancer from his friend.

It's nothing.

You need to talk about it.

You need to talk about it.

At least let me look
at your medical file.

You're making a big
deal out of nothing.

- Who else knows?
- No one, and cancer isn't nothing.

Sorry. Didn't mean to
offend your specialty.

Why didn't you come to me?

Stein's good.

Stein's in Africa for
the next six months.

He's given me
at least six months.

I go to Boston.
I get the treatment.

Everything will be fine.

No need to talk about it.

CHASE: You were right.

Surgeon found
a bleed behind the kidney

in the retroperitoneal cavity,
but no reason for it.

No cancer,
no ruptured arteries.

So bleeding explains
the symptoms

but we've got no explanation
for the bleeding.

And while they
were closing him up,

Patrick had
a grand mal seizure,

which makes no sense,

since he's on
an anticonvulsant medication.

You told him.

No, I didn't.

I only told Cameron.

HOUSE: Hey!

Okay, you guys have cleverly deduced
that I have cancer.

You have no right to know.

You have no business knowing.

We'd like to run
some blood tests.

As soon as you
work up our patient, who is not me.

We just want to make sure
you weren't misdiagnosed.

I wasn't. Let's move on.

We're just asking
for a couple of vials.

' No!
" why not?

Okay, we are going to proceed
as if I am perfectly healthy.

How can we do that
if we know you're not?

You don't know anything!

Except, hopefully,

how a patient on
anticonvulsant medication has a seizure.

Anti-seizure meds
don't prevent seizures.

They just make
them manageable.

According to
the surgeon's report,

this one wasn't even
close to manageable.

Means the question isn't,
"Why is he having seizures?"

It's, "Why are his
seizures getting worse?"

What's changed?

His brain. It's gotten worse.

So we make it even worser.

We take him off
anticonvulsant medication.

CAMERON:
He'll seize even more.

Multiple seizures can
seriously damage a brain.

Dude can't button a shirt.

How much more damage
are we really talking about?

Stronger seizures will light up
different parts of the brain,

which will indicate
which parts are damaged.

Once he gets worse,
do a PET scan.

(DOOR SHUTS)

PET scan done?

No.

Did you come for my feelings?

'Cause I left them
in my other pants.

This is a letter
of recommendation.

I'm applying
for a job at Penn.

Thank you for
writing your own.

I'm sure my thoughts
are beautifully phrased.

Thank you for signing it,
saves me having to fake your signature.

Stay away from Weiss.

He cries with his patients,
holds their hands as they die.

He won't like you.

Your newfound nonchalance
in the face of cancer.

I thought you'd
find it appealing.

20 seconds. Pretty good.

For what?

The time it took you to go
from hard-ass to human being.

You really want to leave?

If you're not here,
there's not much point in staying.

I'm not dead yet.

What are you doing?

I know this must be
a turn-on for you.

A little whorish
to kiss and stab.

You kissed back.

I didn't want you to die
without knowing the feeling.

Actually, no woman should die
without knowing the feeling.

All we need is a few
drops of your blood.

Foreman and Chase's lips
are not gonna get so close,

now that I know your plan.

There's a nurse downstairs
about to risk his job

to steal the blood
you drew from yourself yesterday.

I'm patient number 020406,

in the record room,
under the name Luke N. Laura.

There's a whole vial of blood
in there along with CT scans,

MRls, CSF.
Everything you need.

If you need a sperm sample,
come back without the needle.

Six centimeter mass
in his dorsal midbrain,

extending into
the temporal lobe.

That's inoperable.

What kind of
time does he have?

He's got a year.

(MACHINE BEEPING)

Nurse! Nurse!

Here's the consent from Boston
for the cancer drug trial.

Any description
of the process or previous trials?

- Yep.
- Any chance it'll work?

No. It's not even
designed to work.

Why would he...

It's designed to treat depression
in terminal cancer patients.

He doesn't seem depressed.

(DOOR BANGING)

Okay,
let's assume that I am dying,

which I specifically
told you not to assume.

Can we at least assume
that I'm not dying tomorrow?

Whereas this kid...

PET revealed several more hot spots
but they're non-specific.

How can you focus on him?

It's the only way I can cope.

PET also showed a left brain
that's working hard.

Harder than the right?

Wouldn't be worth
mentioning otherwise.

Bleeding in the brain,
blood would irritate the lining,

might cause
the seizures to get worse.

Yes, he needs an angiogram to look at
the vasculature inside his brain.

We'll get right on it
as soon as we're finished here.

Don't get up. I got it.
You're busy. Continue.

You know what my team
is doing right now?

No.

They're trying to figure out
what's wrong with me.

What's wrong with you?

Thanks for asking.

They've found out
that I'm dying.

That's sad.

Everyone's dying.

That's sad.

If a meteor lands
on my head tomorrow, it's all academic.

I told them to leave me alone.
But did they?

Did they?

That one was rhetorical.

Oh.

No, they did not.

Who the hell were you
before you hit your head?

Hell is a bad word.

So is "ass" and "bitch."

I could probably
rattle off 50 much more

complicated and
disgusting ones,

but then your dad
would get pissed at me.

You like your life?

What life?

Your life.

Playing the piano, going on tour,
scoring girls left and right.

I don't like girls.

Boys. Whatever gets you off.

I like the piano.

What's wrong?

Dr. Peter Hayes. This is Eric Foreman,
at Princeton-Plainsboro.

You're doing a signal transduction
inhibitor clinical trial.

What kind of
results have you been...

Transduction inhibitors
are a decade away.

Bye, Pete.

They've got another
trial going at Duke.

15 percent extend their lives
beyond five years.

- If you're positive for protein PHF...
- Stop trying to save me.

I'm fine.

MRA confirmed small
collections of blood

throughout the white matter
of Patrick's right hemisphere.

Mind if we chat about that
for a few moments?

Either trauma, an aneurysm,
cancer or autoimmune disease.

We need a biopsy to
figure out which it is.

His EEG was non-specific.

Where you going to biopsy?

Everywhere.

Sure, just put on a blindfold
and play "Pin the Tail on the Brain."

He's bleeding into his brain.
He's dying.

You can't just randomly
stab the temporal lobe

and hope you hit
the right spot.

I'm only gonna take
little tiny pieces.

Till what?

Till I find the problem.

Or you kill him.

No, I'll keep going,
even if I kill him.

Then he's screwed.
Thanks for the chat.

What if we do the EEG
from inside his brain?

I'm actually
a little insulted.

You were supposed to
spend the last hour worrying about me.

It's risky and invasive.

But that's why God invented
the long consent form.

Can you get to why
this is a brilliant idea?

External EEG
could get confused

if there are multiple
structural abnormalities.

If we perform
the EEG inside the skull,

it could show us
where to biopsy.

Brilliant. Go. Do.

I'd also like to
talk to you about...

This is going to be personal,
isn't it?

Yeah.

FOREMAN: We'll use a small drill
to get inside his skull.

OBYEDKOV:
There's bleeding inside?

Yes. Once we have 12 holes,

we'll surgically
implant the electrodes

under the meninges,
against the brain.

OBYEDKOV: And it's either cancer
or autoimmune disease?

FOREMAN: Sorry, but yeah.

OBYEDKOV: Which one is better?

Neither.

Hey.

Where do we cut?

We don't.

I need to say something.

Something personal?

Yeah.

And I can't leave

because you've got
something interesting in that file.

Sorry.

You're an arrogant ass who makes it
impossible for anyone to like him

by punishing people
who don't deserve...

Can you get to the "but" part
of this speech?

But I like you.

No, you don't.

You're just reacting to
the perception of my death

and the need to put things in order.
Fear of guilt...

Just shut up.

See? I annoy you.

Now, you gonna give me the results
or are you gonna...

(SIGHS)

lntracranial EEG showed
no electrical abnormalities.

- Which means it's autoimmune.
- No.

It also showed his entire right
hemisphere is brain-dead.

So while you guys were worrying about
me, half this kid's brain died.

The only solace you should take from
this is the fact that it didn't.

Garden variety EEG sucks
compared to the in-brain variety,

but it's not going
to miss brain death.

- He's gotten worse.
- Not that much worse.

Respiration is depressed.

Seizures are increasing,
one every five minutes.

Not that much worse.

He can still talk
and he's left-handed,

which means speech
is in the right side.

You don't know how Patrick's brain
reorganized itself 25 years ago.

What if the right side
is just a little dead?

Maybe he still has
random neurons firing.

You're just looking for a puzzle to
distract you from your own situation.

You're right, he's dead.
Let's go home.

What did you find out?

Is he gonna be okay?

- I'm sorry.
- Yes!

What's this?

A piano.

What's this?

He's obviously lost use...

Shut up.

Music is a global process.

You can't play
the piano with half a brain.

What's it mean?

Means the right side of
his brain has always sucked.

Means it's not relevant
to what's going on now.

- Wow. Then it's autoimmune.
- Yeah.

Question is what
do we do about it?

Most likely ones we can fix.

Polyarteritis nodosa,
Takayasu or Sarcoid.

I'll start treatment.

Not what I was talking about.

But, yeah, you do that.

Your turn?

Do you have to do that?

You mean cheapen everyone's attempt
at a human moment

by identifying the real calculations
that go into it?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, I do.

I'm sorry you're dying,
I'm gonna hug you.

Anything to say?

If you're considering
grabbing my ass,

don't start anything
you can't finish.

Well, as long as we're just standing
here, you mind if we work?

How's the kid's
treatment going?

Are you crying?

No.

Respiration rate's up.

Seizures are calming down.
It's all good.

Not for what
I'm gonna do next.

There is no next.
He's gonna be fine.

Only if he wants to remain
a four-year-old who wets his bed.

There's nothing else for him.

There's better.
Thanks for the hug.

(DOORBELL BUZZING)

(DOORBELL CONTINUES BUZZING)

It's the middle of the night.

You knew I'd be asleep.

Phone would have woken you up
just as much.

And I can't see
what you're wearing on the phone.

My patient with the 55 IQ
has Takayasu syndrome.

Very uncommon.

Happens mostly
in Asian women.

Takayasu is manageable with steroids,
which you already know.

So I assume you're here
for something else.

My patient also has
a significant seizure problem.

Also manageable with
anticonvulsant medication.

Yes, and if he kept taking his
anticonvulsant medication,

he could go back on tour
and play the piano.

But a hemispherectomy

would completely stop
the right-brain seizure activity

and he would no
longer need to take

his anticonvulsant medication.

You want to remove
half his brain?

The right half.

It would be irresponsible
to remove the left.

You don't remove half a brain
and gain function!

Not my brain.
But his? Who knows? What?

Let's say that I'm the left side
of Patrick's brain.

I'm quick-witted, I'm charming,
I'm great looking.

You're the right
side of his brain.

You're useless, old, damaged.

We go to a bar for a drink.

Now, I have the mad skills
to be scoring all the hot babes,

but instead I'm spending my time wiping
drool off your chin

and making sure
you don't eat the tablecloth.

What's the father want to do?

I don't know.

So go wake him up.

House, I'm so sorry.

Forgot I was dying, huh?

I'm here if you need me.

I need you.

One small feel for man,
one giant ass for mankind.

Thanks.

Good luck in Boston.

Call
the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Dr. Foreman was just here.

The seizures have
almost completely gone away.

Says we might be
able to go home in the next day or two.

Thank you so much.

I think we should remove
the right side of your son's brain.

I thought you fixed him.

Does he look fixed?

The right side of his brain is
keeping him walking straight.

Other than that, it's been dead weight
ever since the accident.

If we remove it, the seizures
would stop completely.

The seizures are
hardly noticeable.

They don't bother Patrick.

But without the seizures,

the left side would have a chance
to actually function.

It could learn
to do new things.

Only bummer, he'd never play
the piano again.

Oh, no.
The piano is everything.

I'm not saying
he's never gonna work for NASA,

but flipping burgers
isn't out of the question.

Well, I don't mind taking care of him
so he can play the piano.

No, you're actually lucky.

You don't have to
watch your kid grow up.

You don't have to let go.

You trying to
make this about me?

I love my son,
just the way he is!

He's a monkey
grinder at the circus.

He's worked hard to get where he...

So does the monkey.

The piano is
a neurological accident.

He has a gift.

I'm offering him a life.

It's up to you.

I've isolated
the cancer proteins in House's CSF.

About time.
We can't let him go to Boston

if he qualifies
for the Duke trial.

You want to do it?

Damn. He's negative
for protein PHF.

He doesn't qualify.

What's that?
That shouldn't be there.

Patrick?

Hello, Papa.

Patrick,
I have a question for you.

Yes?

Are you “EDDY?

Are you “EDDY?

(BANGING ON DOOR)

FOREMAN: House! Open up!

Open up! It's important!

I've got a flight
in three hours.

You don't have cancer.

There was an abnormal presence
of lgG and lgM, indicating...

I don't have neurosyphilis.
My MRI showed nothing...

It's a gumma in your brain.
It's very rare not to be in the liver,

and I'm really glad
we never slept together but...

We would have used a condom.

And I don't have syphilis.
My VDRL was negative...

We did an FTA
antibody test.

The VDRL was
a false negative.

You're not going to die.

All you need is
IV antibiotics.

Did you send these
results to Mass General?

Of course.

You idiots.

FOREMAN: We just told you
you're not gonna die!

You should be
making out with Cameron.

You knew it wasn't cancer?

I was sure it was cancer.

Then why aren't
you celebrating?

Because it
wasn't my damn file.

You faked cancer?

The real patient is in
the Witherspoon wing.

Feel free to tell his wife
that he's not gonna die,

but he is cheating on her.

Why would you want us
to think that you...

I didn't!

I wanted the guys in Boston
to think that I had cancer.

I wanted the guys who were
gonna implant a cool drug

right into the pleasure center
of my brain to think that I had cancer!

You faked cancer to get high?

I'm going to bed.

You're right.
I don't like you.

Sure. Now that I'm not dying.

Heard Patrick's
hemispherectomy went well.

He survived the surgery.

He's unconscious but...

How depressed are you?

I'm not depressed.

You faked cancer.

It was
an outpatient procedure. I was curious.

Are you curious about heroin?

Not since last year's
Christmas party.

I know this goes
against your nature,

but can we not
make too much of this?

You made people think
that you were going to die!

I didn't make them.

I tried to hide it,

but you idiots needed to
get into my business.

I'm sure I'll regret asking,
but why are you laughing?

It's ironic.

Well, I'm sure I'll
regret asking, but why...

Depression in
cancer patients...

It's not as
common as you think.

It's not the dying
that gets to people.

It's the dying alone. The patients
with family, with friends,

they tend to do okay.

You don't have cancer.

You do have
people who give a damn.

So what do you do?

You fake the cancer,
then push the people who care away.

Because they're boring.

Go home to your hotel room
and laugh at that irony.

Start small, House.
Take a chance.

Maybe something that doesn't involve
sticking stuff in your brain.

Pizza with a friend.

A movie. Something.

Follow my finger.
Do you know your name?

His speech center
was on the right side.

It'll be a while
before he's talking.

He hasn't really done anything
except to stare off into the distance.

It'll take some time to...

You buttoned your shirt.

He looks happy.

(SEE THE WORLD PLAYING)