House (2004–2012): Season 2, Episode 9 - Deception - full transcript
A woman collapses at an off-track betting parlor in front of House, and he must battle his new boss to find her diagnosis.
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
Blue Calamari is
still in the lead,
but Ample Parking
is making strides,
and is now in fourth, third,
and holding second place,
while Blue Calamari
is at a steady speed.
And down the stretch
they come!
Ample Parking comes
from behind. And it's
Ample Parking by a nose.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
This is the last call for
the third race. You may
still wager if you hurry.
Here's your information
on the race...
Out of the way.
Cripple coming through.
Sixth race at Golden Downs.
I'II take the two
and the four.
Hey, that's my birthday.
February 4, 1963.
Do you think
that's a good bet?
What's your birthday?
Take your time.
Don't worry. There's only
30 seconds to post.
Is there any way I can bet
on the six and the three also?
You know, for the year?
AII four horses.
Can I do that?
He wants a $2 exacta box,
two, four, six, three.
Give him $24.
Your turn.
The ninth at Gulfstream Park.
$500 on the three horse,
Seminole Uprising to win.
Might as well burn your money.
I'II burn my winnings.
Bigger flame.
Same race, Termigator to win.
Sorry, race just closed.
Damn it.
She was 14-to-1, too.
Then fatass over there
just saved you money.
No way Seminole Uprising's...
I don't bet on the horses.
I bet on the jocks.
My rider's bulimic,
purges after his weigh-ins.
Leave a two-pound pile at the
starting gate, shaves valuable
time off that final eighth.
Nice to have
inside information.
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
...by a length.
The Burning Bush
and on the level is Candy,
right up on the inside
is Bowfinger...
(GLASS SHATTERING)
And Termigator
pulling up against the rail.
Is anybody here a doctor?
T rying to cop a feel?
I took a CPR class at the Y.
That would be useful if
she was having a heart attack
instead of a seizure.
Seizure? Hold her tongue down?
If you wanna get
a finger bitten off.
Call an ambulance.
Methodist's three blocks down.
I could drive her.
Just make the call.
What the hell is that?
How should I know?
Tell the paramedics
to take her to
Princeton-PIainsboro.
Her doctor's name is House.
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
And it's Termigator,
winning by two lengths.
Since when does House
hang out at OTB?
The man's an addict.
Right, addicted to pills,
not gambling.
It's the same thing.
Drug abuse,
drinking, gambling.
They all fire up
the same pleasure centers
in the brain.
An addict is an addict
is an...
Gambling doesn't take away
his pain.
It does when I win.
Hot OTB babe has grand mal
and inexplicable bruising.
What up with that?
You were just standing there,
and she started to seize?
Spend as much time
around the real people
as I do,
someone gets sick.
Her platelets are 89,
she's anemic.
And she has
a blood alcohol Ievel of 0.13.
Hot OTB babe?
Obviously a working girl.
Probably an STD infection.
No fever. No infection.
AIcohol abuse explains it all.
Causes seizures and affects
her blood's ability to clot,
which causes bruising.
Start her on heparin,
she'II be fine by morning.
Except for the fact
that the bruises
are not petechial,
which means it's not DIC.
So the bruises were caused
by trauma.
She probably got beat up
by her boyfriend. Or her pimp.
What's that called
when you judge someone
before ever meeting them?
She's a regular at OTB.
Somehow, I don't see her
holding down a 9-to-5
and going to PTA meetings.
I was there.
I have a 9-to-3 job.
It could be SLE,
familial telangiectasias,
or even Cushing's.
Good. Start with those.
Which one?
Cushing's. It explains
the seizure and the bruising.
Not the anemia.
So she doesn't eat
a Iot of meat.
DIC brought on
by alcohol abuse
is far more Iikely.
Do a full workup, H and P.
And Iab her up, LP, MRI.
(EXCLAIMING)
Did you just ever so subtly
order me to get
her medical history?
Cuddy put me in charge
Iast week, so, yeah.
It was a pretend in charge,
a formality to get past
the suits in Iegal.
Right, those Iicensing-board
folk Iove to play
dress up and pretend.
Hey, no worries.
I'II Iet you keep
your parking space.
You can have it.
You'II also need
my handicap placard.
Bend over.
You make
a pretty convincing argument.
Chase killed that woman.
Now Foreman's in charge?
CUDDY: Yeah, we have
a pecking order here.
If Cameron kills somebody,
Chase takes over.
There's a flow chart
in the Iobby.
For the next three weeks,
you answer directly
to Dr. Foreman.
And I expect you here
for grand rounds at 9:00.
By the way,
I Iike sugar in my coffee.
If there's a screw up,
it's your screw up.
You won't have Dr. House
to fall back on.
"Do you wear a seat belt?"
Is that really relevant
to a seizure?
Skip it.
How about,
"Were you vaccinated
for polio?"
I think you gave me
the form intended for FDR.
You really Iike
Teeny Tiny Mo in the fifth?
I went 4-for-6 yesterday.
You want winners?
Cure me first.
"Are you generally satisfied
with your Iife?"
It does not ask that.
You know, I was gonna ask
what a respectable doctor
was doing at an OTB parlor.
Somehow that question
doesn't seem relevant anymore.
What's your excuse?
It turns me on.
Yeah? What else
turns you on? Drugs?
Casual sex? Rough sex?
Casual rough sex?
I'm a doctor. I need to know.
No sex.
Just moved here.
Haven't even found a job yet.
Don't know anybody.
Came here without a job.
That means you didn't
move here, you moved away
from somewhere else.
Does that hurt?
No.
Are you on any
prescription meds?
Hormones? Prednisone?
I already answered that one.
I think it was
question number 20-something.
Well, yeah. And I could
reach down and get it.
But that would kind of spoil
the whole cool move.
I'm not on any medications.
Are you a vegetarian?
No. Why?
Because you might have
something called
Cushing's syndrome,
which basically means...
My pituitary
is overproducing ACTH,
which is causing my adrenal
glands to push too much
cortisol into my bloodstream.
What a coincidence.
I'm a doctor, too.
Yeah, I had it Iast year.
They did brain surgery,
removed an adenoma
from my pituitary.
(HOUSE WHISTLING)
(EXCLAIMING)
What did you just say?
"You were right, House.
Her pituitary tumor regrew.
It is Cushing's.
"Uncanny how you do that."
Actually,
it was Cameron's idea.
No, Cameron had three ideas.
I chose one to encourage,
to nurture...
Yeah, you're all about
the nurturing.
Do you need a hug?
I don't see any regrowth.
You get her medical records
faxed over?
Work smart, not hard.
That's my philosophy, boss.
I'II take that as a no.
FOREMAN: Anica, I need you
to stay completely still.
Sorry.
Still don't see anything.
Okay, so it's a microadenoma.
Too small to see.
So small,
it's not even there.
Right. It's just a coincidence
that I predicted
a rare condition
that she happened to have
a year ago.
Results from her LP
back yet?
Didn't do an LP.
I knew what she had.
Go do the LP.
Okay, I need you
to roll over on your side,
kiss your kneecaps.
Party time.
I thought it only took
one doctor to do this.
I'm observing.
She's here to make sure
I don't paralyze you.
You've done this before,
right?
Successfully?
He's kidding.
He's an excellent doctor.
I'm going to numb
the area with some Iidocaine,
and then we're off
to the races.
See what I did there?
I used horse-racing jargon
to make the patient
feel more comfortable.
Okay, here we go.
(GASPS)
Felt Iike bone.
Does that hurt?
A Iittle bit.
What are you doing?
(GROANING)
Try rounding your back
a bit more.
You're perfect
just the way you are.
Oops, that was all me.
Might want to move down
one vertebra.
This is actually much harder
than I remember.
(GROANING)
My chest feels
a Iittle tight.
Try taking a deep breath.
Dr. House,
maybe I should take it
from here.
Eighth time's the charm.
You trying
to piss off Foreman?
Just Iet...
CAMERON: BP's 240 over 140.
Turn that thing off,
will you?
Take the needle out.
Take the needle out!
Okay.
It's a hypertensive crisis.
Start her on an
IV Iopressor drip.
Titrate to systolic
Iess than 140.
She'II be fine.
Cameron. Meet me in my office.
At the risk
of sounding redundant
and right, again,
she has Cushing's. Cushing's.
Right, the fact that
you mangled her LP
has nothing to do with it.
Actually, it has
everything to do with it.
Cushing's plus stress
equals hypertensive crisis.
Smart move,
sending the rookie.
Her initial symptoms
could have been caused
by alcohol-induced DIC.
She had a hypertensive crisis
because it's been at Ieast
six hours since she had
her Iast drink.
She's detoxing.
The exact same moment
that I'm futilely trying
to give her an LP?
Right. An invisible tumor
on her pituitary
is much more Iikely.
CHASE: What if the tumor
is somewhere else?
There could be
an ACTH-secreting tumor
on her Iung or pancreas.
It's awfully rare.
Not as rare
as an invisible tumor.
Why didn't they put you
in charge instead of Foreman?
Oh, yeah, you're the guy
that killed that woman.
Get a pan-man scan
before she dies a cortisol OD.
(WHIMPERS)
Fine. Do it.
But when you
don't find anything,
put her on a Librium taper
for the withdrawal
and get her a bed
in a rehab clinic.
CHASE: Lungs Iook clean.
Her Iymph nodes
are not enlarged.
Cuddy tapped Foreman
to run the department.
I didn't even get asked.
Neither did I.
You were suspended.
I was kidding.
It's the irony of women
in charge. They don't Iike
other women in charge.
What? You think
it's something else?
You sabotaged yourself.
You went on a date with House.
You slept with me.
Putting you in charge
of this department
is Iike a
sexual harassment suit
waiting to happen.
Yeah, they're really worried
that I'm gonna create
a hostile work environment.
Maybe that's the problem.
Being in charge
means having
to say no to House.
Would you hire you for that?
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
Anderson coming out strong.
What is he thinking?
He watched
what Tom Mants just did.
You ordered MRIs
for the entire maternity ward?
I was in a crazy mood.
Good thing I got
a new boss to back me up.
AIthough, I think
one of those
is actually necessary.
Better comb through
before you cancel them all.
What do you expect me to do,
House? Quit? Cry?
Actually, I expect you
to act Iike what you are.
My employee. My subordinate.
My bitch.
Well,
since you asked nicely...
My God.
I can't believe I got
more than a year behind
on my discharge summaries.
Got to get caught up.
Oh, no, wait.
I'm not authorized to sign
these anymore. Only you are.
Keep it coming.
I'm not gonna break.
(DOOR OPENS)
Scan showed a mass
on her pancreas.
Looks malignant.
Probably inoperable.
I'd give her two months.
On the bright side,
it still means I was right.
Where's Dr. House?
Dr. Foreman's
overseeing your case.
He thought it'd be best
if I spoke with you. We found
a mass in your pancreas.
It Iooks Iike cancer.
So something in my pancreas
caused me to have a seizure?
Probably.
But the bigger point is...
A one-year survival rate
for pancreatic cancer
is Iess than 20%.
So what's the treatment?
We need to
biopsy the mass to see
what we're dealing with,
and then we can
recommend options
from there.
Sounds good.
I need your consent
to do the biopsy.
Thanks.
Wish me Iuck.
Good Iuck.
CAMERON: It was weird.
She barely reacted at all.
I've had people hug me
and people take a swing at me.
This was more Iike
she didn't even hear me.
Magnify three times.
WILSON: House assisting.
That is funny.
Too bad Foreman's gonna die.
Good afternoon,
I'm Dr. House. I'm gonna
be Iooking at your...
Perfect.
Excuse me.
Need Dr. Foreman
in exam room one
for a consult.
So, when did this start?
Couple weeks ago.
I didn't want to get pregnant.
Jake's not into rubbers,
so I got on the jelly.
You think I'm allergic
or something?
You have an infection.
I'm gonna need a sample.
I brought the jar.
No, I meant
a sample of your...
Okay. We have
a neurological problem here.
There's something wrong
with my brain?
Oh, yeah.
Cover yourself up.
Got what I need.
What's up?
Smell this.
Smells Iike vaginosis,
but it's not really my call.
Great. I'II be sure to put
a gold star by your name
on the board.
Anica's biopsy
for pancreatic cancer
was negative.
Okay, I'm gonna give you
some antibiotics
and you probably
shouldn't have sex
for a while.
How Iong?
On an evolutionary basis,
I'd recommend forever.
The mass in the pancreas
is benign. It's probably
just scar tissue.
Good news. She's not
sick at all. Other than
being an alcoholic.
The Iabs you sent yesterday
put her ACTH at 64
picograms per milliliter.
She's got Cushing's.
Something set it off.
It's gotta be in her brain.
Set her up for a
venous sampling.
There is another possibility.
Chase, hold on.
How'd you get him trained
so fast? EIectronic collar?
Got treats in your pocket?
She didn't even read
the consent form
for the pancreatic biopsy.
Who reads those things?
Maybe she didn't read it
because she knew that there
was nothing wrong with her.
There is another explanation
for the Cushing's.
Maybe she injected herself
with the ACTH. Her behavior
suggests Munchausen's.
She's had
four hospitalizations
in the Iast four months.
Well, being hospitalized
a Iot certainly points to
nothing being wrong with you.
She's had zero symptoms
since she got here.
The scarring on her pancreas
could be caused from
injecting herself
with the benzene
and setting off the seizures.
HOUSE: She's had
brain surgery.
You can fake a stomachache.
You can't fake a brain tumor.
You can fake an invisible one.
We should check her apartment.
Look for medications,
syringes...
Venous sampling's easier.
And more dangerous.
Not if you get caught
breaking in.
So don't get caught, House.
Why do you think Cuddy
picked Foreman over me?
Have I done something wrong?
Or if there's something
I needed to improve on...
Will it make you shut up
if I told you she wanted
someone black?
How would you describe
my Ieadership skills?
Nonexistent.
Otherwise excellent.
There's more to being a Ieader
than being a jerk.
The world will never know.
(MOTOR REVVING)
No. No way. It just snowed.
Yesterday.
The streets are clear.
My car is right there.
There's construction on EIm.
Bike will be faster.
CAMERON: There's even books
in the bathroom.
Well, either she's very smart
or she has a severe
fiber deficiency.
She's got an appointment
with her ophthalmologist
on Tuesday
and an appointment
with her gynecologist
on Thursday.
Multiple appointments
with multiple doctors.
Symptom of Munchausen's.
Or, just thinking
outside the box here,
she has a vagina
and trouble reading.
There's three pairs
of reading glasses, each
with different prescriptions.
Which would be explained
by a tumor pressing
on the optic nerve.
Because you're Iooking
for her to have a tumor.
And you're Iooking for...
A person
with Munchausen's syndrome
drinks battery acid.
But they don't go
to an ophthalmologist
to get their pupils dilated.
An ophthalmologist
is a doctor.
Attention is attention.
How many hospitals
have you contacted? Has one
doctor said she's crazy?
It's not Munchausen's.
It's not your call.
If you think
she's got Munchausen's,
then obviously you got
something to show the man.
A syringe in her apartment.
A bottle of ACTH.
Munchausen's patients are good
at covering their tracks.
Right. So, the fact
that we found nothing
proves there's something.
Look at the pathology reports
from the surgery
she had in Chicago.
They removed 30%
of her pituitary.
They found no tumor.
It's possible
the surgeons just missed it.
In that kind of surgery,
you're just cutting
and hoping...
Of course, we're both right.
Excellent solution,
everybody's happy.
Come on, step up, Foreman.
If you think I'm right,
order me to stick
a needle in her brain.
If you think Cameron's right,
send the patient home.
Either she'II be fine,
or she'II die.
Do the venous sampling.
Get her consent.
(SIGHS)
Nice move, boss.
Way to cover your ass.
I just agreed with you.
Not because
you think I'm right,
you're just taking
the safe route. You're a wuss.
Don't worry,
your secret's safe with me.
Hey, Wilson,
guess what Foreman just did!
(SIGHS)
Hi.
This is a consent form
to stick a wire
into your brain.
It's important for hospitals
to get these signed
for procedures
that are
completely unnecessary.
Then why are you doing it?
Because you're mentally ill.
You injected yourself
with ACTH to induce Cushing's
to get attention from doctors.
And so far, it's worked.
I'd Iike to see
another doctor.
I'm not giving you
what you want?
I don't want a bitch.
Just sign the forms, okay?
And I'II get out of here.
Hopefully for you,
whatever you injected
yourself with won't wear off
before you get the fun
of a caring and concerned
doctor cutting into your head.
You chose me
to make House miserable,
didn't you?
Apparently,
he's making you miserable.
That's impressive.
Find someone else.
No.
For the first time
in six years,
I'm getting copied
on all experimental tests
and procedures.
CIinic hours have been
Iogged and completed.
You've given me four months
of House's dictations
so I can finally bill
insurance companies.
I only did that stuff to prove
he couldn't make me miserable.
Well, way to go.
Now everybody's getting
what they need, even House.
He gets to play mad scientist,
and this department
runs smoothly.
So I'm stuck with this
for the next three weeks.
Maybe Ionger.
Would you be interested
if this wasn't just pretend?
What did Mommy say?
I don't get any candy
in my stocking?
Patient being prepped
for the venous sampling?
Yeah, a mentally ill patient
is right on track
for a pointless procedure.
Yeah, we get your objection.
(PHONE RINGING)
Foreman. Are you sure?
That doesn't make any sense.
Check it again.
We gotta delay
the venous sampling.
Why? Her urine turning orange?
How would you know that?
Because
that's what rifampin does.
She's not on antibiotics.
But if a Munchausen's patient
thinks she's about
to get busted,
she sees pills Iabeled
"Dangerous,
might cause seizures,"
she might grab a couple.
And if that Iabel
were accidentally
on a bottle of antibiotics,
and if that bottle
were accidentally
Ieft in her room...
You set her up?
Might have.
It's Munchausen's.
AII this, she did to herself.
I don't know
what the hell
you're talking about.
I had a seizure. I'm sick.
I need your help.
Not from this department.
The half-Iife
of rifampin is three hours.
After that,
you'II get your psych referral
and your discharge papers.
You know,
just because you stick
your fingers down your throat
doesn't mean
the rest of us are screwed up.
I guess
when cooperation fails,
you move on to hostility.
I didn't do this to myself.
100% commitment.
Sign of a good Iiar.
AIso the sign of a sociopath.
What are you doing?
Correcting your Iast note.
We can't discharge her
if she's sick.
Anybody ever tell you,
you write Iike a girl?
What?
You got some other explanation
for orange urine?
It's Munchausen's.
Correct, but not complete.
You just don't want to admit
that she skunked you.
At the end of
The Boy Who Cried Wolf,
the wolf really does come.
Then he eats the sheep,
and the boy, and his parents.
The wolf doesn't eat
the parents.
He does when I tell it.
You're not telling
the story now. I am.
Look, I checked her records.
AII her hospitalizations
were for different things.
Brain tumor, fainting spells,
skin rashes, seizures.
She's had every
blood test known to man
and the results
are all over the map.
There's only one constant,
Iow HCT.
The anemia's real.
There's a million things
she could have taken
to have done that.
True, it could just be her MO.
She self-induces
two illnesses. One always
changes, one never does.
Or maybe she has Munchausen's
and aplastic anemia,
which would mean,
without proper treatment,
she'II continue
to get sicker, weaker,
eventually she'II start
bleeding internally and die.
She's not getting sicker.
She will.
If her bone marrow was dying,
the entire blood panel
would be affected.
Her white count's normal.
HOUSE: So far.
We need to do
a bone marrow biopsy.
No. No more tests.
Look, you kick her to the curb
with a Munchausen's diagnosis
you're guaranteeing
that no doctor will
ever Iisten to her again.
We do more tests,
we'II only be feeding
her psychosis.
The more attention
we give her,
the more she'II want.
What if she doesn't know
we're testing her?
House, you were wrong.
Live with it.
There's probably some
blood Ieft over
from previous tests.
BIood tests alone
can't confirm aplastic anemia.
Yes, I know.
That's why I want to do
a bone marrow biopsy.
But blood tests could show
a systemic disease.
A virus or a toxin
could be the cause.
Fine.
You want to test
the extra blood?
Knock yourself out.
But the patient is off-Iimits.
And if the results
are positive, I get my biopsy?
It's the safe way to go.
I need all of these tests
and a PCR done on this sample.
You're gonna need more blood.
Patient's empty.
Then I can't do it.
You can try.
I can try to Iook Iike
Salma Hayek, that's not
gonna make it happen.
You may not have Salma's ass,
but she doesn't have
your eyes.
Yeah, right.
How soon you need it?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Dr. Wilson, can I talk to you
about something in confidence?
Of course.
It's about House.
Oh, then no.
Fine. I won't say anything.
Do you think there's any way
House would take me seriously
as his boss?
Where is this coming from?
Did Cuddy say something?
We talked. She intimated.
And you want my advice
on how to usurp him?
It's very ancient Rome,
you'II need a toga,
of course, a sword.
It's not a coup. I just
want to figure out some way
we can work together.
I mean, I keep the team
running from an administrative
point of view,
House doesn't have
to deal with the red tape.
It's a win-win.
I'm sure
he'II see it that way.
Do you have any advice
on how to approach him?
How to deal the guy?
No.
But you won't tell him
we talked?
No.
There is no way
this is going to happen.
(SINGING VARIATION ON
AIN'T SHE SWEET)
Epstein-Barr titers
are through the roof,
the most common viral cause
of aplastic anemia.
So what I'm saying is...
(CONTINUES SINGING VARIATION
ON AIN'T SHE SWEET)
Fetal hemoglobin's
also elevated.
Just a wee bit.
Could indicate...
You see that in sickle cell.
Not all sickle cell
patients are black.
None of her other blood panels
showed any sign
of sickle cell, which means
either something's changed
drastically since yesterday,
or this isn't her blood.
Of course it is.
Metaphorically.
Look, I couldn't do the tests.
I tried, but there wasn't
enough blood Ieft over.
If you'd just Iet me
do the biopsy.
CHASE: No way.
I just got back
from a suspension.
And if it wasn't for me,
you would've been fired.
Why don't you just
get the sample yourself?
Since when have you cared
what your boss said?
I don't care
what anybody says,
I care what they do.
Right now BIackpoleon
BIackaparte has got
the nurses on red alert.
I can't get into
the patient's room.
So, come on,
I'II draw the enemy fire,
you outflank them
get in there,
get the bone marrow sample.
Can't.
Who you more afraid of?
I'm not afraid of Foreman,
I agree with him.
AII the tests back him up.
AII the tests
have not been done.
You do realize that
BIackaparte's reign
is only temporary.
I also realize that no matter
what I do, you're still gonna
treat me Iike crap.
"Crap" is a relative term.
I never even made it
to the room.
Nurses called the attending
as soon as a trocar
was ordered.
You used her real name?
I just processed
your patient's
discharge papers.
She's on her way out
right now.
(EXCLAIMING)
Wait up.
It's all right,
she's gonna stay.
Wonderful.
Oh, bite me.
I don't need to hear
the riot act again.
How'd you Iike
another medical test?
What?
Sit.
Why?
So you don't crack your skull
when you pass out.
Just do it.
You know what colchicine is?
No.
Well, don't feel bad.
It's for gout.
It's got nothing to do
with anything you've ever
pretended to have.
I'm not pretending to...
Shut up.
Colchicine decimates
your white blood cells.
Leaves almost no trace.
It's great for faking
your way into hospitals.
I didn't fake my way...
Shut up.
You've been
doing this for years.
Don't worry,
it's probably not your fault.
When you were a kid,
you had a close relative
who had a chronic disease,
probably your sister.
And you saw all the attention
she got while you were
Ieft alone, ignored.
And it really,
seriously screwed you up.
I do not have a relative...
Shut up!
I'm trying to give you
what you want.
And save your Iife.
You have aplastic anemia.
What, are you trying
to scare me now?
It means you're not
just sick in the head.
Problem is,
the rest of you appears well.
So I gotta make you seem
as sick as you're
supposed to be
by injecting you with a drug
that simulates the symptoms
that you actually have.
AII you need to know is,
you've hit the
Munchausen's jackpot.
I'm gonna give you
a cocktail of insulin
for seizure and colchicine
to kill your white count.
This will absolutely confirm
my diagnosis
of aplastic anemia.
There is one small catch.
If you've actually done
something to yourself
to cause the anemia,
then I'm wrong.
And if I do what I plan to do,
then the treatment
will kill you
instead of saving you.
So I need to know.
Have you been taking anything
besides the insulin, the ACTH,
and the pills
Cameron Ieft in your room?
No.
Good. Give me your arm.
It was my mom.
She had MS.
She was in and out
of hospitals all the time.
People were always trying
to do things for her.
Bring her food,
or brush her hair,
or make her happy.
People cared.
She died when I was 16.
Then there was no one.
Boo-hoo.
Where are you going?
I obviously can't be around
when it happens.
Well, what are you gonna do,
you're just gonna...
Relax, you know the drill.
People walk by here
all the time, you'II be fine.
(THUDDING)
So, barely out the door
and she has another seizure.
She must have
somehow grabbed insulin
on the way out.
FOREMAN: Once she's stable,
we need to get her out of here
before she does more damage
to herself.
We can't.
Her white count's down.
Sorry, I missed that.
Hearing's been off since
the Ricky Martin concert,
some cholo
kicked me in the head.
White count, hematocrit,
and platelets are all off.
Her bone marrow's
shutting down. She actually
has aplastic anemia.
Say what?
AII her other Iabs
show nothing that would...
Labs, shmabs.
A good diagnostician
reads between the Iabs.
You were right.
Hey, we're not here
to play the blame game.
These things happen.
Sometimes doctors
send people out
on the street to die
after other doctors
have warned them
that they're sending people
out on the street to die.
There's no way you could know.
I'II go give her the news.
ANICA: Who are you?
I'm Dr. Foreman.
I'm in charge of your case.
You have aplastic anemia,
which means
your bone marrow
has shut down.
Your body can't make
new blood anymore.
Are you sure?
I went back and checked
your old records.
It makes sense.
The aplastic anemia's
apparently been
developing for months.
I'm sorry, we should
have caught it earlier.
So
it's not just the Iatest
white count that's
Ieading you to feel this...
I know this is scary.
But a bone marrow transplant
could cure you.
A marrow transplant
could kill me.
The other option
is weekly blood transfusions,
injections of GCSF.
It's a Iifelong regimen.
Yeah, I don't want that.
You sure?
I don't want to be cruel here,
but you've jumped through
a Iot of hoops to get
this sort of attention.
I just want to be healthy.
It's not so much fun
when you're actually sick.
No.
We'II check the registry.
See if there's a donor match.
Thank you.
We have to kill all the old
bone marrow before we give you
the new stuff.
You'II have no immune system.
We'II keep you
in a sterile room
for two weeks
to make sure
everything's dead, then we'II
give you the donor marrow.
It'II take
another couple weeks
until it takes hold.
You won't feel a thing.
If you get uncomfortable
for any reason
and need to talk, don't yell.
Walls are
four inches thick, Iead.
Use the microphone.
Are you ready?
Okay.
Where's Dr. House?
(SNIFFING)
(SNIFFING)
Turn it off!
(DEVICE BEEPING)
Now what?
How Iong has she been
in there?
Three minutes.
What's going on?
She doesn't have
aplastic anemia.
She has an infection.
No.
Her white count
would be through the roof.
Hers is on the floor.
Well, body does crazy things.
"Body does crazy things."
That explains everything!
She had no fever.
'Cause her self-inflicted
Cushing's suppressed
her immune system.
Stopped her
from having a fever,
hid the infection.
Clostridium perfringens
could cause the bruises,
the schistocytes, the anemia.
Explains everything
except the white count.
Augmentin is a Iot safer than
destroying her immune system.
Why don't we try that?
You're taking the safe course?
What's going on?
There's Iots of explanations
for a Iow white count.
Name one that fits her case.
Colchicine.
I figure that she'd
gotten her hands on it
and self-medicated.
That's brilliant of her.
Take the exact medication
that would confirm
your diagnosis.
People do crazy things.
You injected her
against her will
just so you could be right?
She consented.
She's mentally ill!
But she smells oh-so-sweet.
She would've gotten sicker
when I said
she was gonna get sicker
except Cameron
dosed her with antibiotics.
Just hold this.
Is everything okay?
Pull my finger.
(GASPS)
(SNIFFING)
Grapey.
You have a bacterium.
It's on all of us.
But the bruises you gave
yourself with the Cushing's
made a Iovely home.
Bacteria moved in,
parked their cars on the Iawn.
There goes the neighborhood.
By neighborhood, I mean,
your internal organs.
So, should we put her
on the Augmentin, boss?
Or do you think
she injected herself
with grapes?
(SNIFFING)
I Iove the smell of pus
in the morning.
Smells Iike...victory.
If you were serious
about the offer,
I'm serious about accepting.
I'd Iike to run the
department. And you said it
yourself, things run smooth.
Except for the part
where House went
behind your back
and KO'd the patient
with insulin and colchicine.
There was no reason
to suspect an infection.
Even House didn't think
it was an infection.
You would have done
the same thing I did.
And I'd be just as wrong.
What House did was insane.
But he saved her Iife.
He got Iucky.
He got her to admit
she's got a problem.
She's agreed to
outpatient treatment.
He gets Iucky a Iot.
Did you ever really intend
to give me this job,
or were you just trying
to stop me
from stepping down?
Well, you've got
two more weeks in charge.
Hopefully the next case
will go better.
She should've died.
House is not a hero.
A person who has the guts
to break a bad rule,
they're a hero.
House doesn't break rules,
he ignores them.
He's not Rosa Parks,
he's an anarchist.
AII he stands for is the right
for everyone to grab
whatever they want
whenever they want.
You tell doctors that's okay,
your mortality rate
is gonna go through the roof.
Kind of digging
this whole
Foreman-in-charge thing.
Give me those.
Frees me up to watch my soaps,
catch a movie
in the afternoon,
have Iunch with you.
Yeah, that's
a big change for you.
Now Cuddy's
on Foreman's ass, not mine.
You couldn't Iive with Foreman
as your boss.
Why not?
People can change, you know.
Your white count is way down.
We're going to need
to admit you,
just to run a few more tests.
Whatever you think is best.
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
Last race at Belmont.
Put it all on the five
to win.
Blue Calamari is
still in the lead,
but Ample Parking
is making strides,
and is now in fourth, third,
and holding second place,
while Blue Calamari
is at a steady speed.
And down the stretch
they come!
Ample Parking comes
from behind. And it's
Ample Parking by a nose.
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
This is the last call for
the third race. You may
still wager if you hurry.
Here's your information
on the race...
Out of the way.
Cripple coming through.
Sixth race at Golden Downs.
I'II take the two
and the four.
Hey, that's my birthday.
February 4, 1963.
Do you think
that's a good bet?
What's your birthday?
Take your time.
Don't worry. There's only
30 seconds to post.
Is there any way I can bet
on the six and the three also?
You know, for the year?
AII four horses.
Can I do that?
He wants a $2 exacta box,
two, four, six, three.
Give him $24.
Your turn.
The ninth at Gulfstream Park.
$500 on the three horse,
Seminole Uprising to win.
Might as well burn your money.
I'II burn my winnings.
Bigger flame.
Same race, Termigator to win.
Sorry, race just closed.
Damn it.
She was 14-to-1, too.
Then fatass over there
just saved you money.
No way Seminole Uprising's...
I don't bet on the horses.
I bet on the jocks.
My rider's bulimic,
purges after his weigh-ins.
Leave a two-pound pile at the
starting gate, shaves valuable
time off that final eighth.
Nice to have
inside information.
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
...by a length.
The Burning Bush
and on the level is Candy,
right up on the inside
is Bowfinger...
(GLASS SHATTERING)
And Termigator
pulling up against the rail.
Is anybody here a doctor?
T rying to cop a feel?
I took a CPR class at the Y.
That would be useful if
she was having a heart attack
instead of a seizure.
Seizure? Hold her tongue down?
If you wanna get
a finger bitten off.
Call an ambulance.
Methodist's three blocks down.
I could drive her.
Just make the call.
What the hell is that?
How should I know?
Tell the paramedics
to take her to
Princeton-PIainsboro.
Her doctor's name is House.
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
And it's Termigator,
winning by two lengths.
Since when does House
hang out at OTB?
The man's an addict.
Right, addicted to pills,
not gambling.
It's the same thing.
Drug abuse,
drinking, gambling.
They all fire up
the same pleasure centers
in the brain.
An addict is an addict
is an...
Gambling doesn't take away
his pain.
It does when I win.
Hot OTB babe has grand mal
and inexplicable bruising.
What up with that?
You were just standing there,
and she started to seize?
Spend as much time
around the real people
as I do,
someone gets sick.
Her platelets are 89,
she's anemic.
And she has
a blood alcohol Ievel of 0.13.
Hot OTB babe?
Obviously a working girl.
Probably an STD infection.
No fever. No infection.
AIcohol abuse explains it all.
Causes seizures and affects
her blood's ability to clot,
which causes bruising.
Start her on heparin,
she'II be fine by morning.
Except for the fact
that the bruises
are not petechial,
which means it's not DIC.
So the bruises were caused
by trauma.
She probably got beat up
by her boyfriend. Or her pimp.
What's that called
when you judge someone
before ever meeting them?
She's a regular at OTB.
Somehow, I don't see her
holding down a 9-to-5
and going to PTA meetings.
I was there.
I have a 9-to-3 job.
It could be SLE,
familial telangiectasias,
or even Cushing's.
Good. Start with those.
Which one?
Cushing's. It explains
the seizure and the bruising.
Not the anemia.
So she doesn't eat
a Iot of meat.
DIC brought on
by alcohol abuse
is far more Iikely.
Do a full workup, H and P.
And Iab her up, LP, MRI.
(EXCLAIMING)
Did you just ever so subtly
order me to get
her medical history?
Cuddy put me in charge
Iast week, so, yeah.
It was a pretend in charge,
a formality to get past
the suits in Iegal.
Right, those Iicensing-board
folk Iove to play
dress up and pretend.
Hey, no worries.
I'II Iet you keep
your parking space.
You can have it.
You'II also need
my handicap placard.
Bend over.
You make
a pretty convincing argument.
Chase killed that woman.
Now Foreman's in charge?
CUDDY: Yeah, we have
a pecking order here.
If Cameron kills somebody,
Chase takes over.
There's a flow chart
in the Iobby.
For the next three weeks,
you answer directly
to Dr. Foreman.
And I expect you here
for grand rounds at 9:00.
By the way,
I Iike sugar in my coffee.
If there's a screw up,
it's your screw up.
You won't have Dr. House
to fall back on.
"Do you wear a seat belt?"
Is that really relevant
to a seizure?
Skip it.
How about,
"Were you vaccinated
for polio?"
I think you gave me
the form intended for FDR.
You really Iike
Teeny Tiny Mo in the fifth?
I went 4-for-6 yesterday.
You want winners?
Cure me first.
"Are you generally satisfied
with your Iife?"
It does not ask that.
You know, I was gonna ask
what a respectable doctor
was doing at an OTB parlor.
Somehow that question
doesn't seem relevant anymore.
What's your excuse?
It turns me on.
Yeah? What else
turns you on? Drugs?
Casual sex? Rough sex?
Casual rough sex?
I'm a doctor. I need to know.
No sex.
Just moved here.
Haven't even found a job yet.
Don't know anybody.
Came here without a job.
That means you didn't
move here, you moved away
from somewhere else.
Does that hurt?
No.
Are you on any
prescription meds?
Hormones? Prednisone?
I already answered that one.
I think it was
question number 20-something.
Well, yeah. And I could
reach down and get it.
But that would kind of spoil
the whole cool move.
I'm not on any medications.
Are you a vegetarian?
No. Why?
Because you might have
something called
Cushing's syndrome,
which basically means...
My pituitary
is overproducing ACTH,
which is causing my adrenal
glands to push too much
cortisol into my bloodstream.
What a coincidence.
I'm a doctor, too.
Yeah, I had it Iast year.
They did brain surgery,
removed an adenoma
from my pituitary.
(HOUSE WHISTLING)
(EXCLAIMING)
What did you just say?
"You were right, House.
Her pituitary tumor regrew.
It is Cushing's.
"Uncanny how you do that."
Actually,
it was Cameron's idea.
No, Cameron had three ideas.
I chose one to encourage,
to nurture...
Yeah, you're all about
the nurturing.
Do you need a hug?
I don't see any regrowth.
You get her medical records
faxed over?
Work smart, not hard.
That's my philosophy, boss.
I'II take that as a no.
FOREMAN: Anica, I need you
to stay completely still.
Sorry.
Still don't see anything.
Okay, so it's a microadenoma.
Too small to see.
So small,
it's not even there.
Right. It's just a coincidence
that I predicted
a rare condition
that she happened to have
a year ago.
Results from her LP
back yet?
Didn't do an LP.
I knew what she had.
Go do the LP.
Okay, I need you
to roll over on your side,
kiss your kneecaps.
Party time.
I thought it only took
one doctor to do this.
I'm observing.
She's here to make sure
I don't paralyze you.
You've done this before,
right?
Successfully?
He's kidding.
He's an excellent doctor.
I'm going to numb
the area with some Iidocaine,
and then we're off
to the races.
See what I did there?
I used horse-racing jargon
to make the patient
feel more comfortable.
Okay, here we go.
(GASPS)
Felt Iike bone.
Does that hurt?
A Iittle bit.
What are you doing?
(GROANING)
Try rounding your back
a bit more.
You're perfect
just the way you are.
Oops, that was all me.
Might want to move down
one vertebra.
This is actually much harder
than I remember.
(GROANING)
My chest feels
a Iittle tight.
Try taking a deep breath.
Dr. House,
maybe I should take it
from here.
Eighth time's the charm.
You trying
to piss off Foreman?
Just Iet...
CAMERON: BP's 240 over 140.
Turn that thing off,
will you?
Take the needle out.
Take the needle out!
Okay.
It's a hypertensive crisis.
Start her on an
IV Iopressor drip.
Titrate to systolic
Iess than 140.
She'II be fine.
Cameron. Meet me in my office.
At the risk
of sounding redundant
and right, again,
she has Cushing's. Cushing's.
Right, the fact that
you mangled her LP
has nothing to do with it.
Actually, it has
everything to do with it.
Cushing's plus stress
equals hypertensive crisis.
Smart move,
sending the rookie.
Her initial symptoms
could have been caused
by alcohol-induced DIC.
She had a hypertensive crisis
because it's been at Ieast
six hours since she had
her Iast drink.
She's detoxing.
The exact same moment
that I'm futilely trying
to give her an LP?
Right. An invisible tumor
on her pituitary
is much more Iikely.
CHASE: What if the tumor
is somewhere else?
There could be
an ACTH-secreting tumor
on her Iung or pancreas.
It's awfully rare.
Not as rare
as an invisible tumor.
Why didn't they put you
in charge instead of Foreman?
Oh, yeah, you're the guy
that killed that woman.
Get a pan-man scan
before she dies a cortisol OD.
(WHIMPERS)
Fine. Do it.
But when you
don't find anything,
put her on a Librium taper
for the withdrawal
and get her a bed
in a rehab clinic.
CHASE: Lungs Iook clean.
Her Iymph nodes
are not enlarged.
Cuddy tapped Foreman
to run the department.
I didn't even get asked.
Neither did I.
You were suspended.
I was kidding.
It's the irony of women
in charge. They don't Iike
other women in charge.
What? You think
it's something else?
You sabotaged yourself.
You went on a date with House.
You slept with me.
Putting you in charge
of this department
is Iike a
sexual harassment suit
waiting to happen.
Yeah, they're really worried
that I'm gonna create
a hostile work environment.
Maybe that's the problem.
Being in charge
means having
to say no to House.
Would you hire you for that?
ANNOUNCER: (ON TV)
Anderson coming out strong.
What is he thinking?
He watched
what Tom Mants just did.
You ordered MRIs
for the entire maternity ward?
I was in a crazy mood.
Good thing I got
a new boss to back me up.
AIthough, I think
one of those
is actually necessary.
Better comb through
before you cancel them all.
What do you expect me to do,
House? Quit? Cry?
Actually, I expect you
to act Iike what you are.
My employee. My subordinate.
My bitch.
Well,
since you asked nicely...
My God.
I can't believe I got
more than a year behind
on my discharge summaries.
Got to get caught up.
Oh, no, wait.
I'm not authorized to sign
these anymore. Only you are.
Keep it coming.
I'm not gonna break.
(DOOR OPENS)
Scan showed a mass
on her pancreas.
Looks malignant.
Probably inoperable.
I'd give her two months.
On the bright side,
it still means I was right.
Where's Dr. House?
Dr. Foreman's
overseeing your case.
He thought it'd be best
if I spoke with you. We found
a mass in your pancreas.
It Iooks Iike cancer.
So something in my pancreas
caused me to have a seizure?
Probably.
But the bigger point is...
A one-year survival rate
for pancreatic cancer
is Iess than 20%.
So what's the treatment?
We need to
biopsy the mass to see
what we're dealing with,
and then we can
recommend options
from there.
Sounds good.
I need your consent
to do the biopsy.
Thanks.
Wish me Iuck.
Good Iuck.
CAMERON: It was weird.
She barely reacted at all.
I've had people hug me
and people take a swing at me.
This was more Iike
she didn't even hear me.
Magnify three times.
WILSON: House assisting.
That is funny.
Too bad Foreman's gonna die.
Good afternoon,
I'm Dr. House. I'm gonna
be Iooking at your...
Perfect.
Excuse me.
Need Dr. Foreman
in exam room one
for a consult.
So, when did this start?
Couple weeks ago.
I didn't want to get pregnant.
Jake's not into rubbers,
so I got on the jelly.
You think I'm allergic
or something?
You have an infection.
I'm gonna need a sample.
I brought the jar.
No, I meant
a sample of your...
Okay. We have
a neurological problem here.
There's something wrong
with my brain?
Oh, yeah.
Cover yourself up.
Got what I need.
What's up?
Smell this.
Smells Iike vaginosis,
but it's not really my call.
Great. I'II be sure to put
a gold star by your name
on the board.
Anica's biopsy
for pancreatic cancer
was negative.
Okay, I'm gonna give you
some antibiotics
and you probably
shouldn't have sex
for a while.
How Iong?
On an evolutionary basis,
I'd recommend forever.
The mass in the pancreas
is benign. It's probably
just scar tissue.
Good news. She's not
sick at all. Other than
being an alcoholic.
The Iabs you sent yesterday
put her ACTH at 64
picograms per milliliter.
She's got Cushing's.
Something set it off.
It's gotta be in her brain.
Set her up for a
venous sampling.
There is another possibility.
Chase, hold on.
How'd you get him trained
so fast? EIectronic collar?
Got treats in your pocket?
She didn't even read
the consent form
for the pancreatic biopsy.
Who reads those things?
Maybe she didn't read it
because she knew that there
was nothing wrong with her.
There is another explanation
for the Cushing's.
Maybe she injected herself
with the ACTH. Her behavior
suggests Munchausen's.
She's had
four hospitalizations
in the Iast four months.
Well, being hospitalized
a Iot certainly points to
nothing being wrong with you.
She's had zero symptoms
since she got here.
The scarring on her pancreas
could be caused from
injecting herself
with the benzene
and setting off the seizures.
HOUSE: She's had
brain surgery.
You can fake a stomachache.
You can't fake a brain tumor.
You can fake an invisible one.
We should check her apartment.
Look for medications,
syringes...
Venous sampling's easier.
And more dangerous.
Not if you get caught
breaking in.
So don't get caught, House.
Why do you think Cuddy
picked Foreman over me?
Have I done something wrong?
Or if there's something
I needed to improve on...
Will it make you shut up
if I told you she wanted
someone black?
How would you describe
my Ieadership skills?
Nonexistent.
Otherwise excellent.
There's more to being a Ieader
than being a jerk.
The world will never know.
(MOTOR REVVING)
No. No way. It just snowed.
Yesterday.
The streets are clear.
My car is right there.
There's construction on EIm.
Bike will be faster.
CAMERON: There's even books
in the bathroom.
Well, either she's very smart
or she has a severe
fiber deficiency.
She's got an appointment
with her ophthalmologist
on Tuesday
and an appointment
with her gynecologist
on Thursday.
Multiple appointments
with multiple doctors.
Symptom of Munchausen's.
Or, just thinking
outside the box here,
she has a vagina
and trouble reading.
There's three pairs
of reading glasses, each
with different prescriptions.
Which would be explained
by a tumor pressing
on the optic nerve.
Because you're Iooking
for her to have a tumor.
And you're Iooking for...
A person
with Munchausen's syndrome
drinks battery acid.
But they don't go
to an ophthalmologist
to get their pupils dilated.
An ophthalmologist
is a doctor.
Attention is attention.
How many hospitals
have you contacted? Has one
doctor said she's crazy?
It's not Munchausen's.
It's not your call.
If you think
she's got Munchausen's,
then obviously you got
something to show the man.
A syringe in her apartment.
A bottle of ACTH.
Munchausen's patients are good
at covering their tracks.
Right. So, the fact
that we found nothing
proves there's something.
Look at the pathology reports
from the surgery
she had in Chicago.
They removed 30%
of her pituitary.
They found no tumor.
It's possible
the surgeons just missed it.
In that kind of surgery,
you're just cutting
and hoping...
Of course, we're both right.
Excellent solution,
everybody's happy.
Come on, step up, Foreman.
If you think I'm right,
order me to stick
a needle in her brain.
If you think Cameron's right,
send the patient home.
Either she'II be fine,
or she'II die.
Do the venous sampling.
Get her consent.
(SIGHS)
Nice move, boss.
Way to cover your ass.
I just agreed with you.
Not because
you think I'm right,
you're just taking
the safe route. You're a wuss.
Don't worry,
your secret's safe with me.
Hey, Wilson,
guess what Foreman just did!
(SIGHS)
Hi.
This is a consent form
to stick a wire
into your brain.
It's important for hospitals
to get these signed
for procedures
that are
completely unnecessary.
Then why are you doing it?
Because you're mentally ill.
You injected yourself
with ACTH to induce Cushing's
to get attention from doctors.
And so far, it's worked.
I'd Iike to see
another doctor.
I'm not giving you
what you want?
I don't want a bitch.
Just sign the forms, okay?
And I'II get out of here.
Hopefully for you,
whatever you injected
yourself with won't wear off
before you get the fun
of a caring and concerned
doctor cutting into your head.
You chose me
to make House miserable,
didn't you?
Apparently,
he's making you miserable.
That's impressive.
Find someone else.
No.
For the first time
in six years,
I'm getting copied
on all experimental tests
and procedures.
CIinic hours have been
Iogged and completed.
You've given me four months
of House's dictations
so I can finally bill
insurance companies.
I only did that stuff to prove
he couldn't make me miserable.
Well, way to go.
Now everybody's getting
what they need, even House.
He gets to play mad scientist,
and this department
runs smoothly.
So I'm stuck with this
for the next three weeks.
Maybe Ionger.
Would you be interested
if this wasn't just pretend?
What did Mommy say?
I don't get any candy
in my stocking?
Patient being prepped
for the venous sampling?
Yeah, a mentally ill patient
is right on track
for a pointless procedure.
Yeah, we get your objection.
(PHONE RINGING)
Foreman. Are you sure?
That doesn't make any sense.
Check it again.
We gotta delay
the venous sampling.
Why? Her urine turning orange?
How would you know that?
Because
that's what rifampin does.
She's not on antibiotics.
But if a Munchausen's patient
thinks she's about
to get busted,
she sees pills Iabeled
"Dangerous,
might cause seizures,"
she might grab a couple.
And if that Iabel
were accidentally
on a bottle of antibiotics,
and if that bottle
were accidentally
Ieft in her room...
You set her up?
Might have.
It's Munchausen's.
AII this, she did to herself.
I don't know
what the hell
you're talking about.
I had a seizure. I'm sick.
I need your help.
Not from this department.
The half-Iife
of rifampin is three hours.
After that,
you'II get your psych referral
and your discharge papers.
You know,
just because you stick
your fingers down your throat
doesn't mean
the rest of us are screwed up.
I guess
when cooperation fails,
you move on to hostility.
I didn't do this to myself.
100% commitment.
Sign of a good Iiar.
AIso the sign of a sociopath.
What are you doing?
Correcting your Iast note.
We can't discharge her
if she's sick.
Anybody ever tell you,
you write Iike a girl?
What?
You got some other explanation
for orange urine?
It's Munchausen's.
Correct, but not complete.
You just don't want to admit
that she skunked you.
At the end of
The Boy Who Cried Wolf,
the wolf really does come.
Then he eats the sheep,
and the boy, and his parents.
The wolf doesn't eat
the parents.
He does when I tell it.
You're not telling
the story now. I am.
Look, I checked her records.
AII her hospitalizations
were for different things.
Brain tumor, fainting spells,
skin rashes, seizures.
She's had every
blood test known to man
and the results
are all over the map.
There's only one constant,
Iow HCT.
The anemia's real.
There's a million things
she could have taken
to have done that.
True, it could just be her MO.
She self-induces
two illnesses. One always
changes, one never does.
Or maybe she has Munchausen's
and aplastic anemia,
which would mean,
without proper treatment,
she'II continue
to get sicker, weaker,
eventually she'II start
bleeding internally and die.
She's not getting sicker.
She will.
If her bone marrow was dying,
the entire blood panel
would be affected.
Her white count's normal.
HOUSE: So far.
We need to do
a bone marrow biopsy.
No. No more tests.
Look, you kick her to the curb
with a Munchausen's diagnosis
you're guaranteeing
that no doctor will
ever Iisten to her again.
We do more tests,
we'II only be feeding
her psychosis.
The more attention
we give her,
the more she'II want.
What if she doesn't know
we're testing her?
House, you were wrong.
Live with it.
There's probably some
blood Ieft over
from previous tests.
BIood tests alone
can't confirm aplastic anemia.
Yes, I know.
That's why I want to do
a bone marrow biopsy.
But blood tests could show
a systemic disease.
A virus or a toxin
could be the cause.
Fine.
You want to test
the extra blood?
Knock yourself out.
But the patient is off-Iimits.
And if the results
are positive, I get my biopsy?
It's the safe way to go.
I need all of these tests
and a PCR done on this sample.
You're gonna need more blood.
Patient's empty.
Then I can't do it.
You can try.
I can try to Iook Iike
Salma Hayek, that's not
gonna make it happen.
You may not have Salma's ass,
but she doesn't have
your eyes.
Yeah, right.
How soon you need it?
(KNOCKING ON DOOR)
Dr. Wilson, can I talk to you
about something in confidence?
Of course.
It's about House.
Oh, then no.
Fine. I won't say anything.
Do you think there's any way
House would take me seriously
as his boss?
Where is this coming from?
Did Cuddy say something?
We talked. She intimated.
And you want my advice
on how to usurp him?
It's very ancient Rome,
you'II need a toga,
of course, a sword.
It's not a coup. I just
want to figure out some way
we can work together.
I mean, I keep the team
running from an administrative
point of view,
House doesn't have
to deal with the red tape.
It's a win-win.
I'm sure
he'II see it that way.
Do you have any advice
on how to approach him?
How to deal the guy?
No.
But you won't tell him
we talked?
No.
There is no way
this is going to happen.
(SINGING VARIATION ON
AIN'T SHE SWEET)
Epstein-Barr titers
are through the roof,
the most common viral cause
of aplastic anemia.
So what I'm saying is...
(CONTINUES SINGING VARIATION
ON AIN'T SHE SWEET)
Fetal hemoglobin's
also elevated.
Just a wee bit.
Could indicate...
You see that in sickle cell.
Not all sickle cell
patients are black.
None of her other blood panels
showed any sign
of sickle cell, which means
either something's changed
drastically since yesterday,
or this isn't her blood.
Of course it is.
Metaphorically.
Look, I couldn't do the tests.
I tried, but there wasn't
enough blood Ieft over.
If you'd just Iet me
do the biopsy.
CHASE: No way.
I just got back
from a suspension.
And if it wasn't for me,
you would've been fired.
Why don't you just
get the sample yourself?
Since when have you cared
what your boss said?
I don't care
what anybody says,
I care what they do.
Right now BIackpoleon
BIackaparte has got
the nurses on red alert.
I can't get into
the patient's room.
So, come on,
I'II draw the enemy fire,
you outflank them
get in there,
get the bone marrow sample.
Can't.
Who you more afraid of?
I'm not afraid of Foreman,
I agree with him.
AII the tests back him up.
AII the tests
have not been done.
You do realize that
BIackaparte's reign
is only temporary.
I also realize that no matter
what I do, you're still gonna
treat me Iike crap.
"Crap" is a relative term.
I never even made it
to the room.
Nurses called the attending
as soon as a trocar
was ordered.
You used her real name?
I just processed
your patient's
discharge papers.
She's on her way out
right now.
(EXCLAIMING)
Wait up.
It's all right,
she's gonna stay.
Wonderful.
Oh, bite me.
I don't need to hear
the riot act again.
How'd you Iike
another medical test?
What?
Sit.
Why?
So you don't crack your skull
when you pass out.
Just do it.
You know what colchicine is?
No.
Well, don't feel bad.
It's for gout.
It's got nothing to do
with anything you've ever
pretended to have.
I'm not pretending to...
Shut up.
Colchicine decimates
your white blood cells.
Leaves almost no trace.
It's great for faking
your way into hospitals.
I didn't fake my way...
Shut up.
You've been
doing this for years.
Don't worry,
it's probably not your fault.
When you were a kid,
you had a close relative
who had a chronic disease,
probably your sister.
And you saw all the attention
she got while you were
Ieft alone, ignored.
And it really,
seriously screwed you up.
I do not have a relative...
Shut up!
I'm trying to give you
what you want.
And save your Iife.
You have aplastic anemia.
What, are you trying
to scare me now?
It means you're not
just sick in the head.
Problem is,
the rest of you appears well.
So I gotta make you seem
as sick as you're
supposed to be
by injecting you with a drug
that simulates the symptoms
that you actually have.
AII you need to know is,
you've hit the
Munchausen's jackpot.
I'm gonna give you
a cocktail of insulin
for seizure and colchicine
to kill your white count.
This will absolutely confirm
my diagnosis
of aplastic anemia.
There is one small catch.
If you've actually done
something to yourself
to cause the anemia,
then I'm wrong.
And if I do what I plan to do,
then the treatment
will kill you
instead of saving you.
So I need to know.
Have you been taking anything
besides the insulin, the ACTH,
and the pills
Cameron Ieft in your room?
No.
Good. Give me your arm.
It was my mom.
She had MS.
She was in and out
of hospitals all the time.
People were always trying
to do things for her.
Bring her food,
or brush her hair,
or make her happy.
People cared.
She died when I was 16.
Then there was no one.
Boo-hoo.
Where are you going?
I obviously can't be around
when it happens.
Well, what are you gonna do,
you're just gonna...
Relax, you know the drill.
People walk by here
all the time, you'II be fine.
(THUDDING)
So, barely out the door
and she has another seizure.
She must have
somehow grabbed insulin
on the way out.
FOREMAN: Once she's stable,
we need to get her out of here
before she does more damage
to herself.
We can't.
Her white count's down.
Sorry, I missed that.
Hearing's been off since
the Ricky Martin concert,
some cholo
kicked me in the head.
White count, hematocrit,
and platelets are all off.
Her bone marrow's
shutting down. She actually
has aplastic anemia.
Say what?
AII her other Iabs
show nothing that would...
Labs, shmabs.
A good diagnostician
reads between the Iabs.
You were right.
Hey, we're not here
to play the blame game.
These things happen.
Sometimes doctors
send people out
on the street to die
after other doctors
have warned them
that they're sending people
out on the street to die.
There's no way you could know.
I'II go give her the news.
ANICA: Who are you?
I'm Dr. Foreman.
I'm in charge of your case.
You have aplastic anemia,
which means
your bone marrow
has shut down.
Your body can't make
new blood anymore.
Are you sure?
I went back and checked
your old records.
It makes sense.
The aplastic anemia's
apparently been
developing for months.
I'm sorry, we should
have caught it earlier.
So
it's not just the Iatest
white count that's
Ieading you to feel this...
I know this is scary.
But a bone marrow transplant
could cure you.
A marrow transplant
could kill me.
The other option
is weekly blood transfusions,
injections of GCSF.
It's a Iifelong regimen.
Yeah, I don't want that.
You sure?
I don't want to be cruel here,
but you've jumped through
a Iot of hoops to get
this sort of attention.
I just want to be healthy.
It's not so much fun
when you're actually sick.
No.
We'II check the registry.
See if there's a donor match.
Thank you.
We have to kill all the old
bone marrow before we give you
the new stuff.
You'II have no immune system.
We'II keep you
in a sterile room
for two weeks
to make sure
everything's dead, then we'II
give you the donor marrow.
It'II take
another couple weeks
until it takes hold.
You won't feel a thing.
If you get uncomfortable
for any reason
and need to talk, don't yell.
Walls are
four inches thick, Iead.
Use the microphone.
Are you ready?
Okay.
Where's Dr. House?
(SNIFFING)
(SNIFFING)
Turn it off!
(DEVICE BEEPING)
Now what?
How Iong has she been
in there?
Three minutes.
What's going on?
She doesn't have
aplastic anemia.
She has an infection.
No.
Her white count
would be through the roof.
Hers is on the floor.
Well, body does crazy things.
"Body does crazy things."
That explains everything!
She had no fever.
'Cause her self-inflicted
Cushing's suppressed
her immune system.
Stopped her
from having a fever,
hid the infection.
Clostridium perfringens
could cause the bruises,
the schistocytes, the anemia.
Explains everything
except the white count.
Augmentin is a Iot safer than
destroying her immune system.
Why don't we try that?
You're taking the safe course?
What's going on?
There's Iots of explanations
for a Iow white count.
Name one that fits her case.
Colchicine.
I figure that she'd
gotten her hands on it
and self-medicated.
That's brilliant of her.
Take the exact medication
that would confirm
your diagnosis.
People do crazy things.
You injected her
against her will
just so you could be right?
She consented.
She's mentally ill!
But she smells oh-so-sweet.
She would've gotten sicker
when I said
she was gonna get sicker
except Cameron
dosed her with antibiotics.
Just hold this.
Is everything okay?
Pull my finger.
(GASPS)
(SNIFFING)
Grapey.
You have a bacterium.
It's on all of us.
But the bruises you gave
yourself with the Cushing's
made a Iovely home.
Bacteria moved in,
parked their cars on the Iawn.
There goes the neighborhood.
By neighborhood, I mean,
your internal organs.
So, should we put her
on the Augmentin, boss?
Or do you think
she injected herself
with grapes?
(SNIFFING)
I Iove the smell of pus
in the morning.
Smells Iike...victory.
If you were serious
about the offer,
I'm serious about accepting.
I'd Iike to run the
department. And you said it
yourself, things run smooth.
Except for the part
where House went
behind your back
and KO'd the patient
with insulin and colchicine.
There was no reason
to suspect an infection.
Even House didn't think
it was an infection.
You would have done
the same thing I did.
And I'd be just as wrong.
What House did was insane.
But he saved her Iife.
He got Iucky.
He got her to admit
she's got a problem.
She's agreed to
outpatient treatment.
He gets Iucky a Iot.
Did you ever really intend
to give me this job,
or were you just trying
to stop me
from stepping down?
Well, you've got
two more weeks in charge.
Hopefully the next case
will go better.
She should've died.
House is not a hero.
A person who has the guts
to break a bad rule,
they're a hero.
House doesn't break rules,
he ignores them.
He's not Rosa Parks,
he's an anarchist.
AII he stands for is the right
for everyone to grab
whatever they want
whenever they want.
You tell doctors that's okay,
your mortality rate
is gonna go through the roof.
Kind of digging
this whole
Foreman-in-charge thing.
Give me those.
Frees me up to watch my soaps,
catch a movie
in the afternoon,
have Iunch with you.
Yeah, that's
a big change for you.
Now Cuddy's
on Foreman's ass, not mine.
You couldn't Iive with Foreman
as your boss.
Why not?
People can change, you know.
Your white count is way down.
We're going to need
to admit you,
just to run a few more tests.
Whatever you think is best.
(MAN CHATTERING ON TV)
Last race at Belmont.
Put it all on the five
to win.