Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 4 - Naked and Afraid - full transcript

a live studio audience.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

What? What happened?

I think our cute new neighbor,
Jack, just saw me naked.

Oh, no. How?

Well, I had just gotten out of the shower

and I was air drying, and what
comes on the radio?

Dancing Queen.

You know I can't resist dancing
to Dancing Queen,

no one can!



Well, are you sure he saw you?

Oh, I don't know.

I'm not quite sure he can
actually see into our house.

Well, I know I can see into his.

Hey, wait, what are you
looking at Jack for?

No, no, no, I called dibs.

I've been praying for a cute guy
to move in across the street,

and a cute guy did move in
across the street,

so God gave him to me.

Oh, don't worry, I'm not poaching.

I just noticed his hot,
shirtless contractor.

Oh! So you're looking at men again.

This is a good sign.

Well, I'm not ready to get
back to anything serious,



but maybe a little fling to get me started.

Yeah, yeah, I get it.
Like the first waffle.

- Waffle?
- Yeah, when you make waffles,

the first one's never a keeper
so you throw it out, and...

every one after that just seems better.

Oh.

I think I might have been that
waffle to a few men.

Oh, hey, Victoria, how'd the
first day on your new show go?

It was terrifying.

I still don't know what this show is about

or how to play my character.

I mean, yeah, it's a Zed Simms
script so, of course,

it must be brilliant.
I mean, you guys read it.

Oh, yeah, yeah. It's genius.

So cerebral.

- Mmm, complex.
- So many layers.

Oh, my God, you don't understand it either.

And tomorrow is my big scene, you know,

the one where I talk to the ghost.

- I thought you were the ghost.
- Wait, there's a ghost?

Oh, you see!

I just won an Oscar!

But if I am not good at this,

then everyone will say that it was a fluke.

God, it was so much easier doing
lifetime original movies.

Everything I needed to know
about my character

was in the title.

Soccer Mom Prostitute.

Forty and Flirty.

Tammy Lee Boudreau: The PMS Strangler.

"It's that time of the month... To die!"

What has six legs, four breasts,

and is hosting a cocktail party tonight?

Oh, oh, wait, wait, let me do
this, I love riddles.

She's talking about us.

And why are we throwing you a party?

Because I want to be
president of city council.

I need to get my agenda through.

What is your agenda?

Zoo funding and road repair.

Doesn't the president also get
to ride with LeBron

in the Christmas parade?

Does she?

Elka just needs to sway
councilman Stoke's vote.

He's undecided, so I'm guessing
he's the reason

we're having a party tonight?

We're doing it the old-fashioned way...

strong liquor and loose women.

You're not the strong liquor.

Actually, a party is not a bad idea.

I can invite Zed,

and in a casual, alcohol-fueled
environment,

find out what the hell the show is about.

And we can invite Jack,

and in a casual, alcohol-fueled
environment,

you can find out if he saw me naked.

I'll go and invite him now.

While I'm there I might run into
the cute contractor.

Hey, can you see through my blouse?

Mm, nope.

Oh, shoot, I'll just have to make it work.

♪ ba-ba, ba-ba ♪

♪ hey! ♪

Wow, that was hot.

So, my band's playing tonight.

I play tenor and alto sax.

I like to say I'm bi-saxual.

I get it.

So are you gonna come?

Dylan, what we had was fun,

but while we were talking I realized

it was only supposed to last
right up until now.

So this was just sex?

Exactly.

But what about the skylight
you wanted me to put in?

Oh, Dylan, sweet Dylan.

There was never actually
going to be a skylight.

Don't you just love that
feeling right before a party

where anything is possible?

Soon Jack will be here
and Joy will find out

if he's seen me naked.

And he might reply,
"why, yes, and she's beautiful.

And I will not rest until I make her mine."

Have you started drinking already?

Just a little bit.

But you know I get nervous
before a party, because...

anything's possible!

Can we concentrate on what's important?

Like you in a parade with LeBron?

I don't want to be stuck on some nerd float

called "Salute to Reading."

Wow, another one.

Why are you getting so many texts?

I joined Sinder, the hookup app.

Why are you on Sinder?

Because I realized I like
throwing out waffles.

I am done holding out for
romance and happily ever after.

That just leads to heartbreak.

On Sinder, I can order my men
the way I order my shoes.

Six at a time?

Hey, Jack, hold up!

Oh, hello, Dylan.

Is it too bold to bring
Zinfandel to a party?

Just to say, "friendly new neighbor."

Or "unchained party animal."

Dude, you should've just
brought a bottle of wine.

Hey, would you give this to Joy for me?

It's the address of the club I'm
playing tonight.

I'd give it to her myself but

things are a little awkward between us.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

Yeah, we had a good thing
going there for a while,

if you know what I mean.

I know exactly what you mean.

I actually saw the two of you
through Joy's window.

Really?

Sorry to say, yes.

First time I've seen naked women
copulating through a window.

And I have to say, I was not a fan.

Guess you had to be there.

Wow, Victoria Chase!

I've never met a celebrity before.

Feels good!

How does it feel to meet me?

And you are?

Oh, sorry, I'm Jack.

New neighbor.

Oh, by the way, congratulations
on the new HBO show.

Oh, thank you.

What's it about?

I... I can't say.

I honestly can't say.

Oh, look how cute he is.

"She searched the world for romance,

only to find he was right across
the street."

Would you stop narrating your
life like you're in a rom-com?

"And with the help of her
quirky, British roommate,"

Melanie.

Kate Beckinsale.

Gogon.

"She found the information she
needed to put love

on its true course."

Now, we are destined for each other

so go find out if he saw me naked.

Hey, Elka, has councilman
Stokes come by yet?

I guess he's running late.

So what does he look like?

Bland, beige... Kind of blends
in with the furniture.

Hello, Elka.

Councilman Stokes.

My God, you light up a room.

Oh, Zed, I'm glad you could make it.

Wow.

A Cleveland party.

Take it in, Zed. Take it in.

So, Victoria,

you mentioned that you wanted to
talk to me about something.

Oh, well first of all I just want to say

how much I love your show and my character.

Good. I'm excited to see what
you're going to do with her

tomorrow. Such an important scene.

Yeah, uh, about that...

One second.

Hello?

Yes, yes, I'm sure.

Ok. Goodbye.

I just fired Ben Kingsley.

What? But why?

He was my love interest.

Right?

We'll get another one.
He asks too many questions.

There's nothing more tiresome
than explaining plot

and character to a brainless actor.

So what were you saying?

Nothing.

Uh, it's just my friend, Melanie.

You know, I've been explaining
the show to her repeatedly

and knowledgably, but she
just doesn't get it.

So you invited me to this
party to explain my show

to your dumb friend?

What if I told you that she
thinks you're really hot?

I'm listening.

I do love our street.

But I have noticed, from some rooms,

we have an unobstructed
view into your house.

I suppose it follows that you also...

I think I know where
you're going with this.

Yes, I saw through the window.

I didn't mean to, but I did.

Oh, ok. Not a problem.

Can I ask exactly how much you saw?

Everything.

I see.

Well, it's no big deal, it's just flesh.

Is there any chance you liked what you saw?

What?

No, I didn't like it.

It was weird.

Weird?

Well, what does that mean?

Do you have anything unusual
going on under your clothes?

No. I look good under my clothes.

Maybe he saw your mole mass.

It's not a mole mass! It's three moles.

My mom said they were angel kisses.

Those angels had some big ass lips.

Melanie. I need you to talk to
Zed about the show.

Now, I can't do it, he'll fire me.

He just fired Ben Kingsley
for asking too many questions.

I can't talk to Zed until I find
out what Jack meant by "weird."

Look, I got another Sinder match.

Of all the guys with face
tattoos, he seems the nicest.

- Jack?
- Hey.

So, um, Joy tells me that you
may have seen something weird

through our window this morning.

Yes, unfortunately I did.

Was it really that bad?

Truly unsettling.

No good place to look, you know?

No good place?

In a word, "ugh!"

- "Ick?"
- Mm.

Have you seen Councilman Stokes?

Hello, Elka.

Oh, councilman Stokes.

Life of the party.

Hello, I'm Victoria Chase.

I know I saw you in Cleveland Rhapsody.

It was the night my fiancee and I broke up.

I'm sorry but seeing you is
bringing back very bad memories.

Try seeing her every day.

Get lost, Victoria.

Maybe I should go too.

With all the single women at this party?

Here comes one now.

Can you believe he saw my naked body

and all he could say was "ick?"

It must have been my mole mass.

Who else you got?

So, Zed, I like your top.

Um, tunic. Man-shirt.
I like your man-shirt.

So, I understand you have some
questions about my show.

Yes. I do. But, before we get to that, um,

if you were directing a scene
where a man sees a naked woman

through a window, and that woman
just happened to look like me,

would that man's reaction ever be "ick?"

No way. That wouldn't happen.

You're too beautiful.

Oh, Zed, thank you.

But, if it did happen.

Well, then the lighting was wrong.

Improper lighting can
absolutely demolish beauty.

Really?

Well, can you come into my bedroom

and look at me at every angle?

We can test out different positions.

I might even dance a little.

Yeah, yeah, okay, I'm game.

I'll go get us some drinks.

I guess what I'm looking for
is a girl who's smart,

and sweet, maybe a little shy.

I see where you're going but...

I don't date coworkers.

What I'm looking for doesn't exist anymore.

And old fashioned girl
with old fashioned values.

I know just the girl.

You said I was a demure English rose?

And virgin.

Now go sell it.

I am tired of you pimping me out.

It's not pimping.

I'm asking you not to sleep with him.

For Cleveland.

Well, I guess you did save the
dog parks and

bring a lot of jobs to the city.

And you've done a lot for the zoo.

I named that old baboon after you.

You said it was a baby Snow leopard.

Oh, that's right.

And when I saw 40 Year Old Virgin I thought,

"finally, someone's telling my story."

Elka was right, you really are
a demure English rose.

Oh, Councilman. You make me blush.

Maybe it makes me old fashioned

but I guess I'm just a girl
looking for love.

Someone to live happily ever after with.

White picket fence. Kids and
dogs playing in the yard.

That sounds really nice.

It does, doesn't it?

The problem in the real world
is people just want to

hookup on Tinder.

Or worse, Sinder.

Thank God you're nothing like that.

Sex without love, ha, it's just sad!

Oh, dear God.

Why is there a man in your
driveway playing saxophone?

Let's go inside.

Who was that?

I have no idea.

Let me show you the back garden.

Joy!

I know this morning you said you
were just using me for sex

but I have feelings.

I'm not a piece of meat.

I thought he was a waffle.

You slept with this man this morning?

I'll say. With the curtains wide open.

What?

Like I was telling you,
I saw Joy and my contractor

through the window. Ick!

Oh, so she's the ick? Not me?

Oh, Joy, did you hear that?
I'm not the ick, you are!

Yes, I heard.

I'm awash in wonderful news here.

Melanie, you could never be
the ick. You're beautiful.

In fact, I was working up the
courage to ask you out

for a coffee.

Oh, I'd love that.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, uh...

What's going on? You just
invited me up to your bedroom.

Well, yes, but just so you could light me.

But you talked about how you looked naked!

And that you wanted to
test out different positions!

Those things mean something to a man!

I guess you are as dumb as Victoria said.

Hey, hold on, Zed.

Now I can call Melanie dumb, but you can't.

Yeah, I'd rather nobody called me dumb.

Melanie's not dumb, she's wonderful.

You know what's dumb? You and your shows.

They win awards but they don't
make a lick of sense.

That's him talking, not me. But go on.

What are you talking about?
My shows make perfect sense.

Tell them, Victoria.

Uh, there are big scenes,
and little ones...

oh, screw it!

I have no idea what your script is about

or how the hell I'm
supposed to be playing it.

But, you said you loved it.

Because I didn't want to seem stupid.

But I am stupid, and your script
made me that way.

Now, just tell me yes or no,

am I a ghost detective
trying to go back in time

to solve my own murder?

Not even close.

- Too bad, I'd watch that.
- Yeah, me too.

Ultimately, this is a story
in which the action

tries to find meaning in inaction!

Wait, earlier you mentioned that
you're a ghost

trying to solve your own murder?

I like that, why don't we just do that?

Okay.

Oh, I am so relieved.

I thought you were going to fire
me for asking questions

the way you did with Ben Kingsley.

No, that was just the tipping point.

The real issue was that every
morning on set,

he would take the last everything bagel.

Well, I don't eat bagels.

And I certainly don't eat anything

that has the word "everything" in it.

Excellent.

And Victoria?

Don't ever feel stupid again.

What you should be is outwardly
vain, but inwardly warm.

Fearful but wise.

Driven but generous.

Who could be all those things?

She sounds like a complete mess.

I was describing you.

I meant you should just be yourself.

This character is you.

Oh, my God,

I am so complex I...
I barely understand myself.

Yeah, just be like that.

Look, I know Elka invited me
here to get my vote

and asked you to pretend to be
someone you're obviously not.

You're right, but, the truth is

when I was saying I believed in
happily ever after

I realized, I meant it.

I mean, deep down, that's who I am.

I've been doing this stupid stuff because

I recently had my heart broken

and I'm scared of it happening again.

I understand.

You get to an age where you just
sort of give up and say

"what's the point?"

Well, you could be like Elka.

She's 92 and never uses her age

as an excuse not to do something.

Run for office, look for love,

manipulate her friends.

She knows how to work it.

And you do need that in order
to get things done for a city.

So, does she get your vote?

I guess she does.

Finally.

I mean, is there anything we
should be celebrating?

- Wow, what a mix-up.
- Yeah.

This would be a story
we're telling the kids.

Kids?

Not ours.

Just young people who...

like charming stories
about couples meeting.

Well I should get going.

You know, in New Zealand we have
a tradition.

When you say goodnight to
someone and you liked that person,

- you give them a kiss.
- We have a similar tradition in America.

Oh you do? Good.

Well prepare yourself for a respectful
yet **** kiss on the cheek.

Okay, go for it.

- See you tomorrow.
- Okay.

- Goodnight Melanie.
- Goodnight Jack.

It's a bit weird.