Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 6, Episode 2 - Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded

In front
of a live studio audience.

And our newest cocktail,
the Victoria Chase,

A martini
with flecks of Oscar Gold,

Named after one
of our most famous customers.

Aw.

What do you mean "one of"?

You're all celebrities.

Melanie has her radio show,

Elka's on city council,

And Joy's our best customer.



Honestly, without your bar tab,

This place would have been
a Joanne’s fabrics.

So glad I could help.

Hey, you should name a drink
after Joy.

That's not a bad idea.

What would that be?

Something flat...

That goes down easy.

So Stormi's named a drink
after you, Victoria.

How cool is that?

Well, for Cleveland, very cool.

And that is why I can't wait
to start my new show in L.A.

so you got the part?

Well, I mean, I still
have to meet with the creator,



But, you know,
that's just a formality.

I mean, I'm an Oscar winner.

I can't believe
you get to work with Zed Simms.

I know.

I mean, he's created some
of the most critically acclaimed

And confusing HBO series
of our time.

I can't wait to tell him
how to fix my character.

What's wrong
with your character?

Well, I don't know.
I haven't read the script yet.

Melanie, you should come
to L.A. With us.

The production's putting
Victoria up

In a fabulous Malibu
beach house.

There's plenty of extra room.

Even councilwoman Ostrovsky's
coming.

On the city's dime, I might add.

I'm going to bring film jobs
to Cleveland.

Or relax trying.

You know, I'm looking forward
to going to L.A.

Oh, me too. I miss it.

You know, you guys
always say that

Because you forget
how bad it is there

And all the reasons we
moved here in the first place.

It's 75 degrees there.

I didn't say I wasn't coming.

Oh, wonderful!

I present

The Joy scrogs,

A whole bottle of wine
in one glass.

Oh, my god.
That is borderline insulting.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I said borderline.

♪ Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba ♪

♪ Ba-Ba, Ba-Ba ♪

♪ Hey! ♪

Victoria, this beach house
is amazing.

I know.

It's so good to feel the sun
on my sunblock.

How do you spell Spielberg?

You actually had a meeting
with Steven Spielberg?

Well, we had drinks.

At least that's what
my expense report says.

Then he came onto me.

That's what my diary says.

Okay, I hate to admit it,

But I may be falling in love
with L.A. Again.

Remember those Louboutins that I
was trying to find in Cleveland,

But they said they didn't exist?

Well, they do exist.

And now they're on my feet.

And they are killing me.

Wait till you hear about
this new L.A. Exercise fad.

I went to a class this morning

Where you hang upside down
like bats.

That makes sense.

Have you ever seen a fat bat?

And Elka got a workout
this morning too.

She ran down the beach
after Jeff Bridges.

Actually, it was a homeless man.

But he seemed very interested
in filming in Cleveland.

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I should go and get ready
for my meeting with Zed,

My genius TV show creator.

I'll drive you.

I just need ten minutes
to sell him on Cleveland.

Absolutely not.

Oh, look
at those beautiful dolphins.

Wait, why is one of them
coming out of the sea?

That's no dolphin.

That's Zed.

The camera rises
out of the ocean

And flies the viewers right
into the sun-drenched action.

Perfect opening shot.

Bam, I've done it again.

Victoria Chase, Zed Simms.

Zed, I thought
we were meeting in your office.

I wanted to catch you
by surprise.

That's how I want
all my artists,

Out of their comfort zones.

You're gonna
have to forget everything

You think you know about acting.

That won't take long.

Zed, these are my friends.

Stay, stay here.

This is about us.

And boom, we're done.

Remember, when you
make yourself comfortable,

You make yourself dead.

Enjoy the house.

Oh, he's so dynamic
and multitalented.

Oh, look at him,

Swimming with one arm
and texting with the other.

That must be him.

Oh, no, it's my agent.

Oh, Zed said
he enjoyed meeting me.

Well, of course he did.

But the answer is no.

No? I-i didn't get the part.

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.

Well, I must have
done something wrong.

I shouldn't have tried
to introduce you guys.

I've got to figure out
some way to see him again,

So I can change his mind.

Maybe I just made
a bad first impression.

It happened when I met you.

Yes, but then
you got to know me.

Don't go down that road,
Victoria.

Joy, are you sure
Zed is dining here tonight?

I don't' see him anywhere.

Relax.

I knew he'd go to
the hottest restaurant in town.

I hacked
into the reservation system.

He's dining here alone at 8:00.

I am still amazed
that you can do that.

You are an incredible detective.

I am, aren't I?

She still hasn't solved
the case of the missing boobs.

Welcome to chemistry, ms. Chase.

Nitrogen caviar beads on a bed
of deconstructed hummus

Wrapped
in a lemongrass waffle cone.

Thank you.

Oh, I can't eat all of this.

I'm too nervous about Zed.

I'm just gonna have to find him

And convince him
that I am right for this part.

Have you read the script yet?

Melanie, this is Hollywood,
not reading town.

I'm sorry, I almost forgot
the creme fraiche vapor.

Oh, no, thank you.

Come on, Victoria.
You have to eat something.

Mmm.

Look. It's Gregory Pellegrino.

He's the most famous private eye
in L.A.

You know, this might be a sign.

Maybe I'm wasting my talents
in Cleveland.

I should go talk to him.

Well, wait, no,
if you go work for him,

That means you'd have
to move back to L.A.

Oh, do it,Joy. Follow my dream.

It's Mario Lopez,
and he's coming over.

Mario, darling.

Victoria Chase.

So good to see you.

You look gorgeous, as always.

And, by the way,
congratulations on your Oscar.

So deserved.

I know.

Do you think that
I can get you on my show extra

While you're in town?

I have a better idea.

Why don't you do your show
in Cleveland?

Cleveland?

Walk with me, dimples.

Where is Zed,
and why doesn't he want me?

I'm an Oscar winner.

No doors in Hollywood
are closed to me.

Wait.

Did I just hear the sound

Of a hand touching velvet rope?

Oh, my god.

There's a VIP room.

And Zed must be in it.

Okay.

Victoria, before you
do anything foolish...

Okay.

Excuse me.
There's been a mistake.

I was accidentally seated
with my friends.

Sorry. VIPs only.

Do you know who I am?

Yes, you're Victoria Chase,
winner of just one Oscar.

Look, Zed Sims is up there,
and he's expecting me.

But he said he didn't want
to be disturbed.

Oh, but did he say
he didn't want to be disturbed

By Victoria Chase?

Yes, specifically.

Good evening, Mr. Pellegrino.

Joy Scroggs.

I'm a detective in Cleveland,

But I think
you could use my skills here.

Okay, what do you got?

You see that guy
at the end of the bar?

The one whose hair color
suggests he went gray years ago?

He's about to make a move on
the blonde two bar stools down,

The tell being the mint strip
he just popped in his mouth.

Which isn't a mint strip
at all but is, in fact, Viagra.

You just described every man
in here.

What else do you do?

I can hack into any computer,
get past any security system.

That's very impressive,

But the bread and butter
of any detective agency

Is catching cheaters.

Oh, well, my specialty
is being a honey trap.

These legs have lured
a lot of men

Out of a lot of alimony.

Aren't you a little, uh...

How can I put this?

Well-traveled?

I am from England, so yes.

I didn't get the part,

And now I can't get
into the VIP room.

How do you stand being ordinary,
Melanie?

Well, I don't think of myself
as ordinary.

Well, of course you don't.

I'm talking about how
the world perceives you.

Can you believe that guy
thinks I'm too old

To seduce married men in L.A.?

I know!

I'm speechless too.

I should go prove him wrong.

Yeah, that's it.

That is the thing about L.A.,
isn't it?

Great weather,
shopping, treatments.

But at the end of the day,

Only the guys
in Cleveland find us hot.

From the gentleman over there.

Scram!

So that's my pitch
for Cleveland.

Thanks for your time.
Good pitch.

Oh, you're welcome.

Oh, uh, Elka,

You left an envelope of cash
here on the bar.

I think that's yours.

You didn't see that.

All right,
I'll see you guys up there.

I saw you across the room,
and I saw that smile.

And I thought, "wouldn't it be
nice if that smile were for me?"

Well, that's very sweet.

But unless things
have changed in L.A.,

Guys your age don't buy drinks
for women like me.

Mm, you doing that thing
that beautiful women do

Where they claim they don't know
they're beautiful?

Yeah, I guess I am.

Oh, can I get you another drink?

I would love one, yeah.

Now I'm gonna do that thing
that beautiful women do

When they
put on their reading glasses

To look at the drink list.

I understand this is L.A.,

And I may not be the young,
dumb honey trap you're used to.

But I do know
how to grab a man's attention.

Observe.

- Lady, I'm really...
- I said observe.

Oh, I'm so thirsty.

So thirsty.

What does a girl have to do
to get a drink around here?

I don't know. Ask the bartender.

Oh, you.

I'm so thirs...

Not interested.

I am so glad
you came here tonight.

Me too.

I'd really like to kiss you.

Well, that's very flattering,

But you are so much younger
than I am,

Though you have restored
my faith in L.A.

Come on, just one kiss?
Real quick?

Real quick?

I'll give you $20.

What?

All right, look,
I'm on a scavenger hunt

For a bachelor party,
and I have till 9:00

To get a selfie
of me kissing a hog.

A hog?

Hot older girl.

- Oh.
- That's you.

Oh, so you've just been
scamming me this whole time.

Well, thank you for reminding me
why I left L.A.

All right, I'll get back
to the scavenger hunt.

Mm.

Hey, you don't happen to have
a garter belt in your purse?

How about a Louboutin foot
in your ass?

Ms. Chase?

Uh, I was just looking
for my contact lens.

It fell up.

Oh, fine, just take me back
to my table.

How'd it go with Pellegrino?

Mm, terrible.

I was trying to show off
my honey trap skills,

But everyone rejected me.

Then he leaves,
and out of the blue,

This hot young guy
comes over and kisses me.

He was so proud of it,
he wanted to take a selfie.

Did he?

Your entree, sir.

that's not salmon mist.

I know. It's my perfume.

Victoria, what the hell
are you doing here?

I had to talk to you.

Now, I am right for this part,

And I can prove it to you.

How?

Well, I hadn't thought that far.

I spent all my energy shoving
that waitress into the closet.

I just know I can do it.

No, you're still wrong for it.

Oh, but why?

When I saw you in that bright,
unforgiving beach sun,

I realized
that you had no chemistry

With your young,
vibrant costar, Malibu.

What are you saying?

Don't make me tell my agent
to tell your agent

What I'm saying.

Do you mean that I am not
hot enough for Malibu?

Your words, my feelings.

She may not be hot enough
for L.A.,

But she's hot enough
for Cleveland.

Elka, how did you get here?

I'm 92. I do what I want.

Cleveland?
The show's set in Malibu.

Oh, fine.
Stay in your comfort zone.

That's the safe thing to do.

What are you saying,
egg chair woman?

Zed Simms has no comfort zone.

Prove it.

Shoot your show in a real city.

Cleveland.

Wait, I'm seeing it. Yes, ah.

The camera
rises out of the great lake...

Erie?

Sure.

In Malibu, you're not glamorous.

Life has slapped you around,

And you have
a lot of bad angles.

But in a place that's gritty
and dark and damp,

Oh, my god.

In Cleveland, you're beautiful.

So I got the part?

Yes, yes. I have to go.

I have to totally rewrite
the role.

Oh, wonderful.

I already have notes.

Which I'm already ignoring.

We did it, Victoria.

We did, didn't we?

Oh, crap.

I'm going back to Cleveland.

Can we get out of here?

What, are you kidding?

I am the star
of a new HBO series

In the VIP room of
the hottest restaurant in L.A.

Oh, and look.

Oh, they have a little window
in the floor

Where you can look down
on the nobodies.

And there's Joy and Melanie.

Oh, nothing could get me
out of this place.

Earthquake!

We need
to evacuate the premises.

Hot women and child stars first.

Oh, I hate L.A.

Let's go home.

A round of Elka Ostrovskys
for you ladies.

Hey, I thought
those were Victoria Chases.

They were, but we renamed them
in honor of the councilwoman.

Thanks for bringing jobs
to Cleveland.

I had to.

I spent so much money.

They're from those guys
over there.

Well, now that is more like it.

Strong drinks
from good-looking men.

it's good to be home.

Oh, it is.

It's so comforting to know
that, if hired to,

I could ruin any marriage
in here.

L.A. Makes me shallow.

When I was there,

I was jealous
of everyone else's success.

But here,
everyone's jealous of me.

You know what L.A. is?

L.A. is the sexy bad boyfriend.

You keep going back to him,
thinking he's gonna change,

But he's never going to.

Cleveland,
he's our loving husband.

You know, I've already been
with Cleveland

Longer than any husband
I've ever had.

He may not be glamorous, but he's
always there at the end of the day.

And like a good husband,
Cleveland always thinks

We're just a little bit
better than we are.

Buzz off ladies, I was here first.