Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 18 - The Animated Episode - full transcript
Our ladies go 2-D in a fun-filled animated episode that involves questionable beauty treatments, zombies, and a look at Cleveland had LeBron never left.
I can't believe it's been
four years to the day
since we crash-landed in Cleveland.
We should celebrate.
Oh, wait. We can't do this without Elka.
You know what's really strange?
In four years, we've never
been inside Elka's house.
Yeah, she always has some excuse.
"Oh, don't come in. The place is a mess."
"Don't come in. I have a man in here."
"Don't come in. I don't like you."
You know what? This is silly.
We should just go over there.
Yeah.
Don't come in.
I don't like you.
Elka, come on.
We want to celebrate with you.
Today is the anniversary
of when we moved to Cleveland.
I know.
You arrived, LeBron left.
Worst trade ever.
Will you just let us in?
All right.
But don't freak out.
- What the...
- Wow.
Oh, my God.
All right.
Come on in.
How is this possible?
The short explanation is the house is built
over a portal to another universe.
But how does...
I could go into the exact whys and hows,
but you'd need to read this book
on string theory first.
- It's fine.
- We're good.
We don't really know
how botox works either.
Oh, mein Gott. We have visitors.
Oh, yeah, and the dog talks.
Why is George Clooney
wearing socks and sandals?
He's German.
Technically, ich bin Pomeranian.
I don't know about anyone else,
but I could go for a driving montage.
Melanie, where are your manners?
Opening credits first.
Look over there.
It's the beautiful Cuyahoga river.
And there's the Cleveland Indians' stadium.
And that must be Severance Hall,
where the world-renowned
Cleveland orchestra plays.
Oh, no.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is closed.
I think I have something
that can open that.
So do I.
And that, ladies, is how you get inside
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Hey, get me out of here.
Wow!
Steven Tyler?
Mr. Tyler, I'm a huge fan.
Aah! Look at those hands.
Lady looks like a dude.
What were you doing in the trunk
of Janis Joplin's Porsche?
I got in an argument with Stevie Nicks
about who wears scarves better.
Before I knew it, she cast a spell on me
and locked me in a trunk.
And damn it, now I either have to grant you
three wishes or be your Butler for life.
Wishes. We want wishes.
Okay, okay.
I know everybody's first wish
is world peace, so...
Eternal youth and beauty.
You all want in?
- Yes.
- I'll opt out.
The secret to my happiness is doing
the opposite of these three loons.
No problem.
You and I will pass the time
together, right, cutie?
- Dream on.
- Wow!
So that's what rejection
from a woman feels like.
Eternal youth and beauty
for three coming right up.
Oh, my God.
We're in Paris.
But why are we here?
This isn't what we wished for.
Maybe we're finally going to Paris
like we intended four years ago,
when we crash-landed in Cleveland.
Hey, we thought Cleveland was the ticket
to eternal youth and beauty,
but we seem to be hot in Paris too.
The models came out
in two straight lines.
The smallest one was 5'9".
Aw.
We need eternal youth and beauty.
What are these tickets?
Ladies,
follow me to the institute
of eternal youth and beauty.
You're not an example of the work
that they do, are you?
Beauty is in the soul.
That better not be
the lesson we're learning.
Walk this way.
What didn't you understand
about "walk this way"?
Bonne chance.
Nailed it.
Elka?
Wilhelmina Wonka.
I'm your ticket to youth and beauty.
♪ Who can take your wrinkles ♪
♪ whisk them all away? ♪
♪ Make your skin as smooth ♪
♪ as if you've bathed in retin-a? ♪
♪ The beauty man can ♪
♪ you're really not a man ♪
But "woman" wouldn't scan.
Welcome to my world,
a world of pure rejuvenation.
Fauna and flora designed by Sephora.
Hair extensions growing in the trees.
And should you find occasion
for microdermabrasion...
♪ There's sodium chloride crystals ♪
♪ on the breeze ♪
♪ is this real? ♪
♪ A skin peel just by dunking ♪
♪ my head in this fountain ♪
♪ not just that, lose your fat ♪
♪ at the top of lipo mountain ♪
♪ the birdies in the skies ♪
♪ have lasers in their eyes to zap ♪
♪ unwanted facial hairs away ♪
♪ yes, nothing can go wrong ♪
♪ here in beauty land ♪
♪ so in beauty land ♪
♪ we'll stay ♪
A word of caution, though.
Don't let your vanity
get the better of you.
For example, this river of pure botox...
river of botox, you say?
Stop!
Do you want the same fate
as the real housewives of Beverly Hills?
What's going to happen to them?
Oh, we recycle.
Nothing goes to waste here.
We use their implants for toss-a-cross.
Hey, who are they?
Those are the Mamie Sues,
the little people who work for me.
Work with you.
Ongoing labor dispute.
Shall we continue the tour?
An inflatorator?
What does that do?
It pumps and plumps your boobs and ass
enough to put on any glass.
But it's still very much
in the experimental stage.
Now, come on.
Ooh.
Someone's a bit handsy.
They're right here.
Oh. Oh, I say.
Joy, this is unsanctioned behavior.
Look, I've always wanted this.
I just don't know how big I should go.
Oh! This is wonderful.
Oh, my back hurts already.
More!
More!
Whoa!
Help!
♪ boob jobs, butt jobs ♪
♪ silly silicone ♪
♪ you're better off being flat and alone ♪
Melanie, tie Joy to your wrist,
and we'll carry on.
Ow.
Sorry.
This room contains
the most cutting-edge
revitalization technology
in the world.
Oh.
Pills... What do these do?
Much stronger by far than any ablution.
For aging, this is the perfect solution.
I call it "the ever-younger stopgobber."
I have a major announcement to make.
I want an ever-younger stopgobber.
They're not ready yet.
Ooh, a modelizer?
What does this turn you into?
A teenage model, a human coat hanger,
the kind that makes fellows say,
"I'd love to bang her."
- I'm there.
- There are drawbacks.
I'm... There.
The process destroys brain cells.
Oh, they say the same thing about wine.
I'm stuck in here.
You need to push.
Which way is that again?
Oh, my God. You're so young.
And thin. You can eat anything.
Yeah, but I can't remember what.
Do I eat meat or am I a "vetenernarinan"?
Oh, brother.
♪ models are a vapid, boring breed ♪
♪ you're better off just going to seed ♪
Oh, my God.
Joy's a balloon, and Melanie's an idiot.
Where are my chill pills?
Oh, I feel better and younger.
I feel 40.
I don't want to be 40.
Stop. Don't.
Look at her now.
Look, all my hand toes can point.
Oh, my God. Look at me.
I'm bald and fat.
♪ three failed stabs ♪
♪ at turning back your clocks ♪
♪ proves you dumb as a trio of rocks ♪
Steven Tyler, take us back.
This wish didn't work!
Wow!
What happened?
You look as old as when you left.
Let's just say we had some problems,
and leave it at that.
You know, we don't have
to improve ourselves
to be attractive to men.
We should wish they're attracted to us
just the way we are.
Did you get that, Steven Tyler?
We want men to be crazy about us.
Hordes of men hungry for us.
Drooling over us.
So you all agree that's the second wish?
You want men to be hungry for you.
Coming right up.
Wow!
What are we doing here?
And where are all the men,
hungry and drooling for us?
I'm returning your corkscrew.
And by the way, there's
a zombie apocalypse going on.
Well, they are hungry for us.
If there's one thing I hate,
it's zombies and what Joy's wearing.
Really? Now?
I think we should reason with them.
They may be undead,
but they're still people.
Do any of you zombies want to talk
about healthier eating
options than human flesh?
Ooh. Ooh, my.
Those zombies made some excellent points.
Also, I'm a zombie now.
Who would have thought you could
kill zombies with Tae Bo?
I did.
Do you know what the sad part is?
No, Victoria, please tell us
what the sad part about
being attacked by zombies is.
Yeah, I'd like to know too.
- Mamie Sue!
- Sorry.
The sad part is
we have all these men that wanted us
really badly, and they're all gone.
That's true.
If only there was some way to take
these body parts
and create the perfect man.
There are enough body parts here
to make four perfect men.
But how would we do that?
You could always go to Elka's secret lab.
Did I never mention the secret lab
I have under the house?
How long have you had this underground lab?
Oh, forever.
My license with the city says
it's a build-a-bear workshop.
In fact, before we re-animate our men,
you have to choose one of these outfits.
$300 for a denim cap?
That's where they get you.
Is everyone ready?
Mine will be the most beautiful creature
you've ever seen.
I didn't go for looks.
I went for personality.
My perfect man is nice, smart,
and, above all, honest.
Robert Redford.
David Beckham.
George Clooney.
- Ja?
- Not you.
Okay, but admit it's confusing.
Abraham Lincoln.
What? You know what they say
about men with big hats?
That's shoes.
Really?
Oh.
You ladies ready?
Hello.
Well, hello.
Hello, gorgeous.
I propose we form a perfect union... naked.
Our men are falling
in love with each other.
We found the perfect gay men?
We could have done that in L.A.
Whoops, we programmed
the men to fall in love
with the first person they see.
De-animate them! De-animate them!
My God.
You are the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.
You got that right, Sundance.
This is fantastic.
It certainly is.
What could possibly go wrong?
Nothing has gone wrong.
Well, kind of a mixed bag.
Ooh.
Nothing could ruin our happiness.
Nothing has ruined our happiness.
I need coffee.
Robert Redford snores louder than I did
during The Great Waldo Pepper.
Sure, you can bend it like Beckham,
but would it kill you to bend over
and pick up a wet towel once in a while?
You think you have it bad.
George Clooney's so hot to save the planet
he put fluorescent bulbs
over my bathroom mirror.
Well, now that we're
getting everything out,
honest Abe could cut back
on the honesty a little.
Do you like this dress on me?
Eh, it's not exactly
giving me a Lincoln log.
So we didn't create perfect men after all.
It turns out even sexy, athletic,
talented, political
icons are still just men.
Maybe we're not being fair.
We couldn't make ourselves
into perfect women either.
So maybe we should cut them some slack.
It's coming from the garage.
♪ and I'm happy just to be alive ♪
Oh, dear God.
They've started
a middle-aged man garage band.
Oh, yeah. They gotta go.
Now.
But how do we get rid of them?
I could eat.
You ladies are probably starting
to figure out that these
wishes have catches to them,
so I'm sure you'll be careful
when you make your next wishes.
I wish LeBron never left Cleveland.
All right.
Wow!
Welcome to Cleveland,
city of champions.
That means they won the title.
Mamie Sue, you look fantastic.
And so does Cleveland.
A little confidence changes everything.
They say that in women's
magazines all the time,
but for once it's really true.
We should go to our bar
and toast our amazing new city.
Excuse me, we're regulars here, so...
I don't think so, ladies.
You're not quite right
for this establishment.
Oh, my God.
He just said we're not hot...
In Cleveland.
Cleveland is overflowing
with powerful, attractive people now.
Even the Browns and Indians
have won championships.
But the best part of being a Cleveland fan
is the complaining about the teams.
Your wish ruined Cleveland.
We gotta go talk to LeBron.
Who dares approach
the great and powerful LeBron?
Hey, what's up, dog?
King James, you need to fix Cleveland.
What are you talking about?
I fixed it. We're cool.
We win championships.
We even have our own Batman.
Don't tell them it's you.
Way ahead of you.
Anyway, Cleveland has
pretentious food trucks
and spin classes and hipsters and vegans.
You know what that sounds like.
Success?
No, Los Angeles.
We came here from Los Angeles
and discovered a special place,
totally different from what we left behind.
And now it's all gone.
I miss the Fanny Packs, the chili fries,
the jean shorts, and Marshall
Tucker Band tank tops.
I loved complaining that you couldn't find
anything in a size 0 here.
I loved being objectified, whistled at,
and yes, once, in a dunkin' donuts, goosed.
And after all, isn't feeling
good about yourself
really just feeling better than others?
Oh, do something, LeBron.
Forgive me. Your words have moved me.
People say a lot of things about me,
but I never want them to say Batman...
I mean, LeBron...
robbed a lady of her hotness.
I don't know why I just said "Batman,"
because I'm obviously not him.
Batman.
But what will you do?
I'll move on.
I've recently had an offer
from the Okinawa Lady Pantsers.
- Hey, aren't you...
- no, I don't think so.
I know this city.
Cleveland won't mind if I leave.
Maybe they won't even notice.
This is perfect.
I already feel like the city is ours again,
and things will be back to normal.
Good-bye, Cleveland.
It's okay.
Nobody knows we're responsible.
There they are! Get 'em!
Steven Tyler, take us back.
We want everything back the way it was.
We've learned our lesson.
Instead of chasing after
what we don't have,
we should appreciate what we've got.
Isn't that right, Steven Tyler?
No.
That's not the lesson.
Well, then what is the lesson?
Listen close and write this down.
I was with you until "diggy-diggy-dah."
As hot as you all are,
you'd be the least
hot women I ever slept with,
except you, Elka.
That's the lesson?
That's what I got out of it.
See you.
Wow!
How do we get back?
Well, according to String theory...
Just do it.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe that just happened.
Now that it has,
how can anything ever be the same?
We can't un-know what we know.
My advice is to forget it ever happened
or it'll make you crazy.
That's my advice to you too.
Hey, Elka.
Der schnitzel's getting cold.
I mean, "woof."
Must've left the door open.
Welcome to my world,
a world of pure rejuvenation,
and should you find occasion
for microdermabrasion...
♪ There's sodium chloride
crystals on the breeze ♪
♪ is this real? ♪
♪ A skin peel ♪
♪ just by dunking
my head in this fountain ♪
♪ not just that, lose your fat ♪
♪ at the top of lipo Mountain ♪
♪ the birdies in the skies ♪
♪ have lasers in their eyes ♪
♪to zap unwanted facial hairs away ♪
♪ so in beauty land we'll stay ♪
four years to the day
since we crash-landed in Cleveland.
We should celebrate.
Oh, wait. We can't do this without Elka.
You know what's really strange?
In four years, we've never
been inside Elka's house.
Yeah, she always has some excuse.
"Oh, don't come in. The place is a mess."
"Don't come in. I have a man in here."
"Don't come in. I don't like you."
You know what? This is silly.
We should just go over there.
Yeah.
Don't come in.
I don't like you.
Elka, come on.
We want to celebrate with you.
Today is the anniversary
of when we moved to Cleveland.
I know.
You arrived, LeBron left.
Worst trade ever.
Will you just let us in?
All right.
But don't freak out.
- What the...
- Wow.
Oh, my God.
All right.
Come on in.
How is this possible?
The short explanation is the house is built
over a portal to another universe.
But how does...
I could go into the exact whys and hows,
but you'd need to read this book
on string theory first.
- It's fine.
- We're good.
We don't really know
how botox works either.
Oh, mein Gott. We have visitors.
Oh, yeah, and the dog talks.
Why is George Clooney
wearing socks and sandals?
He's German.
Technically, ich bin Pomeranian.
I don't know about anyone else,
but I could go for a driving montage.
Melanie, where are your manners?
Opening credits first.
Look over there.
It's the beautiful Cuyahoga river.
And there's the Cleveland Indians' stadium.
And that must be Severance Hall,
where the world-renowned
Cleveland orchestra plays.
Oh, no.
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame is closed.
I think I have something
that can open that.
So do I.
And that, ladies, is how you get inside
The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.
Hey, get me out of here.
Wow!
Steven Tyler?
Mr. Tyler, I'm a huge fan.
Aah! Look at those hands.
Lady looks like a dude.
What were you doing in the trunk
of Janis Joplin's Porsche?
I got in an argument with Stevie Nicks
about who wears scarves better.
Before I knew it, she cast a spell on me
and locked me in a trunk.
And damn it, now I either have to grant you
three wishes or be your Butler for life.
Wishes. We want wishes.
Okay, okay.
I know everybody's first wish
is world peace, so...
Eternal youth and beauty.
You all want in?
- Yes.
- I'll opt out.
The secret to my happiness is doing
the opposite of these three loons.
No problem.
You and I will pass the time
together, right, cutie?
- Dream on.
- Wow!
So that's what rejection
from a woman feels like.
Eternal youth and beauty
for three coming right up.
Oh, my God.
We're in Paris.
But why are we here?
This isn't what we wished for.
Maybe we're finally going to Paris
like we intended four years ago,
when we crash-landed in Cleveland.
Hey, we thought Cleveland was the ticket
to eternal youth and beauty,
but we seem to be hot in Paris too.
The models came out
in two straight lines.
The smallest one was 5'9".
Aw.
We need eternal youth and beauty.
What are these tickets?
Ladies,
follow me to the institute
of eternal youth and beauty.
You're not an example of the work
that they do, are you?
Beauty is in the soul.
That better not be
the lesson we're learning.
Walk this way.
What didn't you understand
about "walk this way"?
Bonne chance.
Nailed it.
Elka?
Wilhelmina Wonka.
I'm your ticket to youth and beauty.
♪ Who can take your wrinkles ♪
♪ whisk them all away? ♪
♪ Make your skin as smooth ♪
♪ as if you've bathed in retin-a? ♪
♪ The beauty man can ♪
♪ you're really not a man ♪
But "woman" wouldn't scan.
Welcome to my world,
a world of pure rejuvenation.
Fauna and flora designed by Sephora.
Hair extensions growing in the trees.
And should you find occasion
for microdermabrasion...
♪ There's sodium chloride crystals ♪
♪ on the breeze ♪
♪ is this real? ♪
♪ A skin peel just by dunking ♪
♪ my head in this fountain ♪
♪ not just that, lose your fat ♪
♪ at the top of lipo mountain ♪
♪ the birdies in the skies ♪
♪ have lasers in their eyes to zap ♪
♪ unwanted facial hairs away ♪
♪ yes, nothing can go wrong ♪
♪ here in beauty land ♪
♪ so in beauty land ♪
♪ we'll stay ♪
A word of caution, though.
Don't let your vanity
get the better of you.
For example, this river of pure botox...
river of botox, you say?
Stop!
Do you want the same fate
as the real housewives of Beverly Hills?
What's going to happen to them?
Oh, we recycle.
Nothing goes to waste here.
We use their implants for toss-a-cross.
Hey, who are they?
Those are the Mamie Sues,
the little people who work for me.
Work with you.
Ongoing labor dispute.
Shall we continue the tour?
An inflatorator?
What does that do?
It pumps and plumps your boobs and ass
enough to put on any glass.
But it's still very much
in the experimental stage.
Now, come on.
Ooh.
Someone's a bit handsy.
They're right here.
Oh. Oh, I say.
Joy, this is unsanctioned behavior.
Look, I've always wanted this.
I just don't know how big I should go.
Oh! This is wonderful.
Oh, my back hurts already.
More!
More!
Whoa!
Help!
♪ boob jobs, butt jobs ♪
♪ silly silicone ♪
♪ you're better off being flat and alone ♪
Melanie, tie Joy to your wrist,
and we'll carry on.
Ow.
Sorry.
This room contains
the most cutting-edge
revitalization technology
in the world.
Oh.
Pills... What do these do?
Much stronger by far than any ablution.
For aging, this is the perfect solution.
I call it "the ever-younger stopgobber."
I have a major announcement to make.
I want an ever-younger stopgobber.
They're not ready yet.
Ooh, a modelizer?
What does this turn you into?
A teenage model, a human coat hanger,
the kind that makes fellows say,
"I'd love to bang her."
- I'm there.
- There are drawbacks.
I'm... There.
The process destroys brain cells.
Oh, they say the same thing about wine.
I'm stuck in here.
You need to push.
Which way is that again?
Oh, my God. You're so young.
And thin. You can eat anything.
Yeah, but I can't remember what.
Do I eat meat or am I a "vetenernarinan"?
Oh, brother.
♪ models are a vapid, boring breed ♪
♪ you're better off just going to seed ♪
Oh, my God.
Joy's a balloon, and Melanie's an idiot.
Where are my chill pills?
Oh, I feel better and younger.
I feel 40.
I don't want to be 40.
Stop. Don't.
Look at her now.
Look, all my hand toes can point.
Oh, my God. Look at me.
I'm bald and fat.
♪ three failed stabs ♪
♪ at turning back your clocks ♪
♪ proves you dumb as a trio of rocks ♪
Steven Tyler, take us back.
This wish didn't work!
Wow!
What happened?
You look as old as when you left.
Let's just say we had some problems,
and leave it at that.
You know, we don't have
to improve ourselves
to be attractive to men.
We should wish they're attracted to us
just the way we are.
Did you get that, Steven Tyler?
We want men to be crazy about us.
Hordes of men hungry for us.
Drooling over us.
So you all agree that's the second wish?
You want men to be hungry for you.
Coming right up.
Wow!
What are we doing here?
And where are all the men,
hungry and drooling for us?
I'm returning your corkscrew.
And by the way, there's
a zombie apocalypse going on.
Well, they are hungry for us.
If there's one thing I hate,
it's zombies and what Joy's wearing.
Really? Now?
I think we should reason with them.
They may be undead,
but they're still people.
Do any of you zombies want to talk
about healthier eating
options than human flesh?
Ooh. Ooh, my.
Those zombies made some excellent points.
Also, I'm a zombie now.
Who would have thought you could
kill zombies with Tae Bo?
I did.
Do you know what the sad part is?
No, Victoria, please tell us
what the sad part about
being attacked by zombies is.
Yeah, I'd like to know too.
- Mamie Sue!
- Sorry.
The sad part is
we have all these men that wanted us
really badly, and they're all gone.
That's true.
If only there was some way to take
these body parts
and create the perfect man.
There are enough body parts here
to make four perfect men.
But how would we do that?
You could always go to Elka's secret lab.
Did I never mention the secret lab
I have under the house?
How long have you had this underground lab?
Oh, forever.
My license with the city says
it's a build-a-bear workshop.
In fact, before we re-animate our men,
you have to choose one of these outfits.
$300 for a denim cap?
That's where they get you.
Is everyone ready?
Mine will be the most beautiful creature
you've ever seen.
I didn't go for looks.
I went for personality.
My perfect man is nice, smart,
and, above all, honest.
Robert Redford.
David Beckham.
George Clooney.
- Ja?
- Not you.
Okay, but admit it's confusing.
Abraham Lincoln.
What? You know what they say
about men with big hats?
That's shoes.
Really?
Oh.
You ladies ready?
Hello.
Well, hello.
Hello, gorgeous.
I propose we form a perfect union... naked.
Our men are falling
in love with each other.
We found the perfect gay men?
We could have done that in L.A.
Whoops, we programmed
the men to fall in love
with the first person they see.
De-animate them! De-animate them!
My God.
You are the most beautiful
woman I've ever seen.
You got that right, Sundance.
This is fantastic.
It certainly is.
What could possibly go wrong?
Nothing has gone wrong.
Well, kind of a mixed bag.
Ooh.
Nothing could ruin our happiness.
Nothing has ruined our happiness.
I need coffee.
Robert Redford snores louder than I did
during The Great Waldo Pepper.
Sure, you can bend it like Beckham,
but would it kill you to bend over
and pick up a wet towel once in a while?
You think you have it bad.
George Clooney's so hot to save the planet
he put fluorescent bulbs
over my bathroom mirror.
Well, now that we're
getting everything out,
honest Abe could cut back
on the honesty a little.
Do you like this dress on me?
Eh, it's not exactly
giving me a Lincoln log.
So we didn't create perfect men after all.
It turns out even sexy, athletic,
talented, political
icons are still just men.
Maybe we're not being fair.
We couldn't make ourselves
into perfect women either.
So maybe we should cut them some slack.
It's coming from the garage.
♪ and I'm happy just to be alive ♪
Oh, dear God.
They've started
a middle-aged man garage band.
Oh, yeah. They gotta go.
Now.
But how do we get rid of them?
I could eat.
You ladies are probably starting
to figure out that these
wishes have catches to them,
so I'm sure you'll be careful
when you make your next wishes.
I wish LeBron never left Cleveland.
All right.
Wow!
Welcome to Cleveland,
city of champions.
That means they won the title.
Mamie Sue, you look fantastic.
And so does Cleveland.
A little confidence changes everything.
They say that in women's
magazines all the time,
but for once it's really true.
We should go to our bar
and toast our amazing new city.
Excuse me, we're regulars here, so...
I don't think so, ladies.
You're not quite right
for this establishment.
Oh, my God.
He just said we're not hot...
In Cleveland.
Cleveland is overflowing
with powerful, attractive people now.
Even the Browns and Indians
have won championships.
But the best part of being a Cleveland fan
is the complaining about the teams.
Your wish ruined Cleveland.
We gotta go talk to LeBron.
Who dares approach
the great and powerful LeBron?
Hey, what's up, dog?
King James, you need to fix Cleveland.
What are you talking about?
I fixed it. We're cool.
We win championships.
We even have our own Batman.
Don't tell them it's you.
Way ahead of you.
Anyway, Cleveland has
pretentious food trucks
and spin classes and hipsters and vegans.
You know what that sounds like.
Success?
No, Los Angeles.
We came here from Los Angeles
and discovered a special place,
totally different from what we left behind.
And now it's all gone.
I miss the Fanny Packs, the chili fries,
the jean shorts, and Marshall
Tucker Band tank tops.
I loved complaining that you couldn't find
anything in a size 0 here.
I loved being objectified, whistled at,
and yes, once, in a dunkin' donuts, goosed.
And after all, isn't feeling
good about yourself
really just feeling better than others?
Oh, do something, LeBron.
Forgive me. Your words have moved me.
People say a lot of things about me,
but I never want them to say Batman...
I mean, LeBron...
robbed a lady of her hotness.
I don't know why I just said "Batman,"
because I'm obviously not him.
Batman.
But what will you do?
I'll move on.
I've recently had an offer
from the Okinawa Lady Pantsers.
- Hey, aren't you...
- no, I don't think so.
I know this city.
Cleveland won't mind if I leave.
Maybe they won't even notice.
This is perfect.
I already feel like the city is ours again,
and things will be back to normal.
Good-bye, Cleveland.
It's okay.
Nobody knows we're responsible.
There they are! Get 'em!
Steven Tyler, take us back.
We want everything back the way it was.
We've learned our lesson.
Instead of chasing after
what we don't have,
we should appreciate what we've got.
Isn't that right, Steven Tyler?
No.
That's not the lesson.
Well, then what is the lesson?
Listen close and write this down.
I was with you until "diggy-diggy-dah."
As hot as you all are,
you'd be the least
hot women I ever slept with,
except you, Elka.
That's the lesson?
That's what I got out of it.
See you.
Wow!
How do we get back?
Well, according to String theory...
Just do it.
Oh, my God.
I can't believe that just happened.
Now that it has,
how can anything ever be the same?
We can't un-know what we know.
My advice is to forget it ever happened
or it'll make you crazy.
That's my advice to you too.
Hey, Elka.
Der schnitzel's getting cold.
I mean, "woof."
Must've left the door open.
Welcome to my world,
a world of pure rejuvenation,
and should you find occasion
for microdermabrasion...
♪ There's sodium chloride
crystals on the breeze ♪
♪ is this real? ♪
♪ A skin peel ♪
♪ just by dunking
my head in this fountain ♪
♪ not just that, lose your fat ♪
♪ at the top of lipo Mountain ♪
♪ the birdies in the skies ♪
♪ have lasers in their eyes ♪
♪to zap unwanted facial hairs away ♪
♪ so in beauty land we'll stay ♪