Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 5, Episode 16 - Auction Heroes - full transcript

Hot in Cleveland is recorded
in front of a live studio audience.

Okay Elka we have a lot of fundraisers
this week for your city council campaign.

So there's the big _ auction
here on Saturday night.

And then tomorrow you
are speaking at Irish American club.

I have the perfect joke to open with.

What is it?

Why wasn't Jesus born in Ireland?

Why?

He couldn't find three wise men

or a virgin.

No, you are not telling that joke,



what's Irish and stays outside?

Paddy O'furniture.

Oh, that stupid cricket.

How come it only chirps
when I tell a joke?

Something's got to fill the dead air.

I just got a text from J.J.

I am finally gonna meet
my young, hot screenwriter.

He's coming over tomorrow.

Is he really a junior at Cleveland state?

Yes, my agent says
that doing a student film

is a brilliant move.

Now Buzzfeed is calling me hip and edgy.

If your hips were any edgier,
they'd cut through your pants.

Oh, thank you.



I need help.

I'm meeting Mitch in an hour,
and I can't decide what to wear,

and I have to look perfect,

because I'm finally gonna tell him

how I feel about him.

Of course I know you're all going to say

I should just relax and be myself.

Oh, my God, Melanie's cricket's right.

Being myself with men never works.

Maybe I should try
being the opposite of me.

Normally on a date,

I'd drink alcohol for courage

and show as much leg as possible,

so tonight, I'm going to not drink at all

and wear long pants.

So, Joy, you said
you had something important

you wanted to tell me?

Yes, you see...

could I just have a sip of your Martini?

Oh, I thought you said
you weren't drinking tonight.

Oh, just a tiny sip.

Did you want to tell me
you have a drinking problem?

No.

Mitch, I'm just gonna say it.

I am completely and totally...

Hold that thought. Baz, hey.

Sorry, Joy. This is my old friend baz.

- Baz, this is Joy.
- Hello.

You're early, man.
Just give me one second.

Joy was telling me something.

You were saying you're
completely and totally... what?

Needing to go to the bathroom.

Excuse me.

Hey, I hope it's okay
I said you were my old friend.

I just don't want anyone to know

that I hired a dating consultant.

I'm terrible with women,

although I've been watching
a lot of romantic comedies,

and I've noticed
that making a grand gesture

seems to do the trick.

Okay, first of all, you're a man.

You shouldn't be watching
romantic comedies.

Let's start simple.

Notice one thing about her
and compliment it.

You find one special feature
no man has ever mentioned.

I can do that.

Next, ask her a question about herself

and then seem fascinated by the answer.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Okay, you see that pretty blonde

over there at the bar,
the one separated from the herd?

Be a cowboy. Go lasso her.

Okay, let's stop.

Melanie, it's me. It's a disaster.

Don't worry, honey. We're all behind you.

- Thanks.
- No, literally. Turn around.

Thank God you're here.

Well, we thought
things might not work out,

so we have a brilliant plan.

Dear, you look like a woman
of refinement and distinction.

- Thank you, Elka.
- It doesn't suit you.

Here. Snip, snip.

Would you tell Mitch
that I needed to leave?

Sure, sure.

But can I just tell you one thing?

You have the most beautiful...

Legs. Yes, thanks. Whatever.

Actually, I was gonna say elbows.

Your elbows are exquisite.

Really?

I do use a granular scrub.

A granular scrub. Hmm.

- So, Joy, you married?
- No.

But there is someone I'm interested in.

Who, Mitch?

Pretty obvious, I suppose,

though not to him.

You know, Joy, maybe I can help.

How about you and I go out to dinner?

I'll fill you in on everything
Mitch likes in a woman.

You would do that for me?

I would do anything for those elbows.

They are rather soft.

It's the granular scrub.

How's tomorrow night?

- It's a date.
- I'll see you then.

How'd it go?

Well, your tricks worked,
but I couldn't stand her.

She's way into astrology,

and she talks in this awful baby talk.

She wanted to know what sign I was

because apparently her new "wittle" kitten

doesn't like "awies."

Okay, moving on. Pick another one.

You know, I don't think I want to.

The strangest thing happened.

When I looked over
and saw you and Joy laughing,

I think I felt jealous.

What, are you saying you want Joy?

I think I am.

Here's what you do.

You let me take her out to dinner.

I'll find out everything
she wants in a man.

- Hi, Mitch.
- Hi, Elka.

Gonna introduce me
to your handsome friend?

Elka, this is Baz.

- Baz, Elka.
- Hi.

Has anyone ever told you
you have gorgeous earlobes?

Actually, no, I...

hey.

You're good.

Now watch me walk away.

Hi.

You've obviously got the wrong house.

No one here would ever order a pizza.

I mean, sometimes we
get one just to sniff it,

but then we immediately
squirt it with windex

and throw it out.

Why am I telling you this?

You probably don't even speak English.

I speak English.

Oh, well, good for you. Buh-bye.

Look, I'm expecting someone
for a very important meeting.

He's a young, hip screenwriter
who wrote a brilliant script.

- Brilliant?
- Yes, that means molto bene.

Although I'll never tell him.

I need to bend him to my will,

mold him like a piece of marble.

You carve marble. You mold clay.

I know what I'm saying.

After all, which one of us speaks English?

I'm not sure.

Maybe we should start again.

I'm J.J.,

and I hear I've written a brilliant script.

You're J.J.? But you're not young and hip.

You're... how can I put this nicely?

You're old and Cleveland-y.

I was afraid you were going to be

a crazy Hollywood actress.

So we were both wrong.

Sure.

I'm guessing this pizza's all for me.

Oh, I'll sniff a slice.

Ah.

Just one.

Hey, thanks for making the coffee.

No problem.

Something tells me you like having people

do things for you.

I do. You get me.

I'm actually glad that you're
not some young college hotshot.

Oh, nothing gets me more depressed

than when young people are good at things.

Well, I'm glad you're perfect for the role.

You're a gifted actress
and a concert pianist.

Yeah.

Uh, now might be a good time to mention

that Hollywood actors are expected

to embellish their resumes.

So you don't play the piano?

Mm, not excellently,

but I am really good
at doing brilliant piano hands.

No, no, I need someone who can play.

You see, this character
expresses her emotions

through music.

Oh, oh, you want emotions? Huh.

Anger.

Sad.

Mischievous.

Yeah, I don't think
this is gonna work out.

No, no, no. Listen.

I love this script,

and I love the character you created.

I will do anything to play this part.

Fine, get a piano here today.
I'll start teaching you tonight.

Oh, thank you. You won't regret it.

Yeah.

Happy.

And I love the way he smells
and his generosity.

I can't stand a cheap man.

Oh, and he's not obsessed with sports.

But I'm really hoping
to find out what he likes.

Well, Mitch is really into astrology.

- Astrology.
- Mm.

Also... this is gonna sound kind of weird.

He loves baby talk. He finds it sexy.

He really loves it?

He "wea-wy woves" it.

You're amazing. I had no idea.

Bless you.

Thanks.

Victoria, a player piano?

Unless J.J.'s an idiot,
he's never gonna fall for that.

Well, you fell for it.

I'm very trusting.

So what's J.J. Like?

Well, he's actually kind of brilliant

in a gruff, diamond-in-the-rough way.

I'm oddly taken with him.

That's why I bought the player piano.

He makes me want to appear
to be a better person.

- Hi, J.J.
- Victoria, I'm in shock.

I heard you playing walking up the street.

- It sounded beautiful.
- Aw, thanks.

You know, playing the piano's
kind of like riding a bike.

Once you learn, you never forget.

Everybody hold still.
The cricket's on the piano.

Also, I don't know how to ride a bike.

So what did Joy tell you?

Well, she likes a man to smell like a man,

so don't shower for a few days.

Get ripe.

- You sure?
- That's what she said.

And she wants a guy that loves sports.

And be frugal.
She admires a penny pincher.

But this is all so different
than the way she's seen me act.

So?

You tell her you have a work self

and a true self.

Now, go get stinky.

Yes, for Joy.

You're getting there, kid.
Let's do it again.

No, no, no, no, no. No more practicing.

I know. Let's go to dinner.

You're hungry?

Well, I could sniff some Chinese.

We could swing by your place,
so you could change.

I'm sure it was just an oversight,

but you're wearing a brown belt
and black shoes.

My most comfortable belt
with my most comfortable shoes.

All right, well, that's a slippery slope.

I mean, once you start
dressing for comfort,

before you know it,
you'll be eating for pleasure.

I always eat for pleasure.

Well, I haven't done that since the '80s.

I can honestly say

I have never met a woman like you.

Thank you.

You know, when you go to Hollywood,

you're gonna meet a lot of people like me.

I'd never leave Cleveland.

My memories with my late wife are here.

This movie is my last love letter to her.

That must be why
it touched me so when I read it.

You must miss her terribly.

I know I miss my husband.

The worst time for me is waking up.

It's that brief moment
just before you're conscious

when you forget.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

I reach over for Emmet and...

and the moment is gone.

Nice to talk about this
with someone who knows.

Yeah, it is.

So there hasn't been anyone since...

No, no, no. I don't date.

But what if,

oh, like, you met this amazing,
beautiful woman

who was willing to overlook your flaws?

You know, once you fixed a few things.

No, I'd be flattered,

but I got it right the first time.

Well, she was a very lucky
woman to have had you.

Ah.

Oh, dear Lord.

This is great, right?
Going out to dinner after work.

Gives us a chance to go
from our work selves

to our true selves.

Yes, to our true selves.

Hope you don't mind eating at 4:30.

Early bird special.

Also, I brought us our own appetizers.

That's where they get you.

Mushroom cap?

Thanks, but I wonder if those
might not have taken a turn.

Oh, that's not the
mushrooms you're smelling.

That's all me, baby.

I believe a man should smell like a man.

I haven't taken a shower in days.

Also saves on the water bill.

So "fwugal."

Sounds "wike" somebody is a "sagittawius."

Oh, you're into astrology.

Yes, I'm a "tauwus."

Don't show me "wed."

Hey, about those Browns?

Oh, you like the Browns, do you?

Are you kidding me?
I live and breathe 'em.

I'm even thinking
about getting season tickets

in the dawg pound.

We could paint our faces
and go every Sunday.

He smells bad,

and I'm making a complete fool of myself.

One of those things I can't believe.

I better get back.

Wait a minute and call my cell.

Pretend it's an emergency,
so I have to leave.

Oh, honey, he's gonna see
right through that trick.

Joy, there's been an emergency.

I have to leave.

Oh, thanks for coming, J.J.

Hey, your belt matches your shoes.

It happens every now and then.

I'm excited to bid on
Joy's eyebrow shaping.

Oh, well, good.

I was joking.

As was I.

Elka, why did you invite only men?

No one's bidding on anything.

Well, I've got a few old things

that I think they might like.

Okay, well, I'll get their attention.

It's time to say thank you
to three special women.

Come on up, girls.

Thank you.

We're always ready to do our part

- for Elka's campaign.
- Good.

Let's starting the bidding with Melanie.

Bidding?

Who would give me 200
for this uninhibited beauty?

- Elka, I am not a piece of...
- $1,000.

1,000, really? Wow.

And like you said in the email,

no taboos, right?

What oh, no, there are taboos.

Get off the block. You're sold.

I have a date.

Mother's gonna have
to get herself out of the tub

Saturday night.

Next up on Antiques
Roadshow, Victoria Chase.

I bid 5,000.

Oh, J.J., that's so sweet.

Anyone here want to bid against me?

Put your arm down.

Sold to the man who doesn't know

what he's getting into.

Oh, J.J., you didn't have
to spend all that.

You could've just asked me out.

It's not a date.

I paid for five hours of your time.

Then what are we gonna do?

You're going to practice.

Oh.

But maybe we could have dinner first.

- I'd like that.
- Me too.

- So it is a date?
- I guess it is.

Well...

Now, I've saved the last for last.

Do I hear a quarter?

Joy.

Mitch may not appreciate you, but I do.

$2,000.

Going...

Going...

3,000.

Mitch?

Joy, that wasn't us last night.

He played us.

He told me to be someone that I'm not,

and I'm guessing he told you
to be someone you're not too.

She's way out of your league, dude. 4,000.

You wanted her all along.

5,000.

Because I'm better for her than you.

- 6,000.
- Look, Joy.

I smell really good,

and I waste money like crazy.

You do?

And I don't talk baby talk,
and I hate astrology.

- I've been a blind fool.
- Yes, you have.

You're everything that I want and more.

I am?

$10,000, and the date starts right now.

- Where are we going?
- Not far.

You weigh a little more than I thought.

I hate the guy, but I
kind of wish Baz was here

to tell me what to say to you.

Maybe you don't need to say anything.

Okay. But I do need to kiss you.

Your lips are really soft.

You should feel my elbows.

- What?
- Never mind.

Oh, there you are. I hope you don't mind.

I found something in your shower
that I'd like to keep.

Really?

Oh!

- You caught the cricket.
- Yes.

It's a very rare teleogryllus mitratus.

I'm an entomologist.

I have a live female in
my lab ready to mate.

The female has no sex organ,

so the male must use
his sharp, barbed penis

to saw through her carapace.

We'll watch it together.