Hot in Cleveland (2010–2015): Season 1, Episode 1 - Pilot - full transcript

Don't you hate any kid
who flies first class?

Oy, enough with the clacky.

You know, I'm trying
to get email reception.

My agent said he might have
an audition for me when I get back.

It's so hard to find great roles
for women in their late 30s.

Oh, what's it like at your age?

Airplane mirrors aren't accurate,
are they?

Of course not.

Excuse me,

- Are you...
- Yes, yes.

I am Victoria Chase.



One tries to be inconspicuous.

Yes.

That hat screams, "ignore me."

You know, some fans are
reluctant to approach me

Ever since the edge of tomorrow
was cancelled.

Playing honor Saint raven
for the past 27 years

Has been a privilege
and it is always so gratifying

To meet those that
I have moved and touched.

Oh, actually, what I was going
to ask was,

"are you comfortable?"

No, but I will be when you
bring me a drink.

- Champagne, three.
- Right away.

Oh, you know, I think my Nana
watched that show.

Oh, I wish that was sweet.



Okay, Victoria,
put away your phone.

Joy, put away
your spreadsheets,

I want to have a toast.

Thank you.

Here's to number 122.

Cash in your miles and fly
to Paris with your best friends.

- Woo-hoo!
- [Speaking French]

This is gonna be fun.
Yes.

[plane shudders] Ooh.

Oh, I'm gonna get a napkin.

Be right back.

[gasps]

Anders is on the plane.

Your husband, Anders?

How many Anders do you know?

Oh my God!

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Just calm down.

You didn't know he was
going to Paris?

We haven't spoken
to each other in months.

Our lawyers told us not to.

Your lawyers are right.
Ignore him.

Miss, kindly close the 1st class drapes.

We paid good money
not to have to look at coach.

Now you can forget all about him.

It's just
a hideous coincidence.

Yeah, but what if it's not
a coincidence?

What if he's missing me too?

And Los Angeles was filled
with so many sad memories,

He's flying to Paris
to fill a void in his life?

What if this is our "meet on top of the
empire state building" moment?

Have you been watching
sleepless in Seattle again?

No.

Yes.

But I got it down
to once a month.

You know, I was up
for a part in that movie.

Of course you were.

I'm gonna go talk to him.

Remember, romantic comedies
are like cellulite cures.

Every one of them is a lie.

- Oh.
- Oh, my goodness.

- Wow. Melanie.
- Anders.

Wow. I didn't see you get
on the plane.

- [stammers]
- What a surprise.

You're the one full of surprises.
Traveling to Europe,

reading fiction,

And drinking club soda?

I know. Where's your workaholic drunk
of a husband, huh?

- Well, I'm divorcing him,
but you--

- Hi, I'm Kim.

Hi...Kim.

Melanie, all the men are bastards,
all relationships end badly.

Hasn't my life taught you anything?

I haven't even
gone on a date yet

And he's taking
his fiancee to Paris.

And she's so young.

She's half my age.

Well, darling,
that really isn't that young.

My fake age.

Oh, my God.
She's a child.

I say we kill him and make
his underage whore watch.

Listen, I know
how painful this is,

But maybe--maybe
this is your chance

To finally move on.

Oh, Mel, you deserve
so much better.

She's right.

You're the kindest, most loving
person in the world.

I hope the plane crashes
and kills them both.

[plane shakes]

Make it stop!

She didn't cause this!

- Whoa!
- Make it stop!

[electronic chime]
This is Captain Reid speaking.

All passengers
and flight attendants

Please take your seats and
fasten your seat belts.

[screaming]

I knew something
like this would happen.

All the great ones
go down in planes.

We've been cleared
for an emergency landing.

Please remain calm.

[screaming]

My God!

All I cared about
was being successful,

And now I'm gonna die
and I never got married

Or had children!

And I never won a daytime Emmy!

Not even the season I so courageously
battled Lyme disease!

And I've never done
anything impulsive

Except get on this plane
and look where that got me!

I'm too young to die.

Although it is nice
to still be young for something.

I need everyone
to brace for impact.

I love you guys.

I love you too.

And I swear that
if I survive this,

I am going to stop being
so vain.

And scared of everything.

And I'm never gonna
complain about anything

Ever, ever again.

[screaming]

We have safely landed
in Cleveland.

All: Cleveland?

[pop music]

Well, great.

My husband's engaged and we're
in a dive bar in Cleveland.

Look, I googled "Cleveland"
and "get hammered,"

And this is what came up.

Along with some very disturbing
pictures of drew Carey.

Why are the men looking
at us like that?

No, I get recognized a lot,
but this is different.

Wait...I remember that look.
It's...Desire.

Oh.

They're looking at us.

In L.A., they look past us.

- Ladies.
- How you doing?

- Hello.
- Hey.

- Yeah.
- How you doing?

I feel young and hot...

Like they're undressing me
with their eyes

And not finding spanx.

I haven't felt like a piece of meat
in so long.

Wow.

To think that we spend
all that time and effort

And money trying
to look ten years younger

And ten pounds lighter,
and all we had to do

Was crash-land in Cleveland.

Where all the men look
like real men

And the women look
like real women.

And everyone's eating
and no one's ashamed.

I'm gonna order chili fries.

[gasps]

Are your chili fries good?

Can Lebron James jump?

Can who do what now?

They're good.

We'll have three orders and...

Three not-light beers.

[gasps]

Coming right up, and the guys
at that table over there

Would like for you
to join them.

Look how adorably
heterosexual they are.

In L.A., it's always
a question.

I blame manscaping.

Once a guy waxes his chest he's
at least looking at the other team.

Okay, girls.

Let's go have some fun.

- Oh, why the hell not?
- Wait, wait, wait.

Are you sure?

We appear to have landed
in a dimension

Where men hit on women
their own age.

We owe it to science
to investigate.

Oh, are you guys leaving?

No, we're just pulling your
chairs out for you.

- ♪ they have gentlemen here ♪
- Nice.

[overlapping chatter]

- Have an onion ring.
- Wow.

I might do that.

Hi, my name is Hank.

Hi, Hank.
Melanie.

- I'm bill.
- James.

- And this is joy
and I'm--

- We know who you are.

Victoria Chase.

I got addicted
to edge of tomorrow

One summer I got laid up.

It was the year you
were honor Saint raven

And her evil sister
silver Saint raven.

And her even eviler sister
magnolia Saint raven.

[laughter]

You know, many daytime actors
have done dual roles,

But I was the first one
to tackle a triple.

And the Emmy goes to...

Susan Lucci.

Finally!

- She was good.
- She's good, yeah.

So, Melanie,
are you an actress too?

Oh, no, no.

Oh, well, you could be.

You know, you remind me
of that really pretty actress

Who was in that--that movie.

I can't remember her name.

It doesn't matter.

So what brings you guys here?

Well, actually,
we're on our way to Paris.

Yes, Melanie
wrote this book called

200 things every woman should
do before she dies,

And she figured she really
should do at least one of them.

Yes, and number 122 is fly
to Paris with your best friends.

Wow.
A writer and an actress.

So what do you do?

I'm a butt model.

What's that like?

God bless you.

I was kidding.

You're looking at the eyebrow
queen of Beverly hills.

I do a lot of celebrities.

Mostly women.

Oprah, Cher, Ryan Seacrest.

[laughter]

Shot in the dark.

Are you ladies all unattached?

At the moment.

Melanie's going
through a divorce

And Victoria's been married,
like, 20 times.

Which in L.A. Is, like,
five,

And for an actress
is barely one.

Here we go, ladies.

Oh, wow.

[excited chatter]

Only cheese fries?

You girls are
light eaters, huh?

To Cleveland!

[laughter]

Oh, my God, did the plane crash?

No, you're just hung over. Here.

God, what were we thinking?

Alcohol and salt
and trans fats?

I know.

French fry grease is literally
sweating from my pores.

[laughter]

I wonder if Mel's up yet.

I'll call her.

Melanie Moretti's room, please.

Really?

She never checked in.

Should we be worried?

No, it's Melanie.

She never does anything crazy.

I'm moving to Cleveland.

You're such a little slut.

I know, right?

Oh, my God.

You guys, Hank is so amazing
and sweet.

He told me that I was luscious.

He said I was delicious.

I tell you,
it's the French fry grease.

He's a plumber.

[both groan]

Right? Right?

I mean, how many times
have we fantasized

About a man who could
actually fix things?

He showed me all around
Cleveland and I'm telling you,

It's nothing like we think.

They have symphonies
and museums and light opera.

Okay, so nobody really likes
those things,

But they have 'em!

Listen, we hear
what you're saying,

But you've lost
your freaking mind.

It's he hangover, near death experience,

multiple orgasms, running into ex-husbands

with surprise fiancees doing the talking.

No, it's not. I'm telling you, you guys,
I'm moving to Cleveland.

Melanie, friends don't
let friends move to Cleveland.

Just take a look
at this listing.

"for sale or lease,
Victorian with guest cottage,

7,000 square feet--"

Well, that price has got
to be missing a zero.

Oh, my God.

I know, right?
It's amazing, huh?

No, it's a picture of Oprah.

Look at those brows.

That's not my arch.

She's being plucked
by someone else.

It was probably retouched.

I mean, I get all
of my photos--

I mean, I hear that people
do do that.

I've built my business on being
the salon that does Oprah's brows.

This is the work
of that Russian chick on rodeo.

Bloody foreigners.

Well, would looking at
cheap real estate cheer you up?

Probably not, but I just can't
lie here licking my wounds.

Although...

I love it.

I'll take it.

What are you doing?

We're getting on a plane
for Paris tomorrow.

I was going to Paris
to find romance,

But I've found it here,
and I get to keep all my miles.

Melanie, this is crazy.

- Look, it's a
month-to-month lease,

And a month here costs
the same as a night in Paris.

Here you go.
And here you go.

Now there's just one thing
about this place

That I should mention.

Why are you renting
to prostitutes?

This is Elka Ostrovsky.

She's a caretaker
who comes with the house,

If you wish to retain her.

She stays out
in the guest cottage.

I'll leave you to get
all that worked out.

Hi.
I'm Melanie.

I'm gonna be leasing the place.

I've been the caretaker
of this house for 50 years,

but you can kick me out.

- I--[exhales] I wouldn't--
- Oh, no worries.

If you can escape from the Nazis,
you can handle anything.

You escaped from the Nazis?

Escaping from the Nazis
was the least of my worries.

Well, you don't
hear that very often.

So what are you, like, 100?

I don't like you.

Aren't you that girl
from that show?

Yes, yes, I am.
Are you a fan?

No.

When it was cancelled,
I said, "good riddance."

But I do like that one
with Susan Lucci.

Now there's an actress.

Does anyone else smell pot?

What are you, a cop?

No.

Then what's it to you?

I can't wait to tell Hank.

He said he'd call.

Both: They all say
they'll call.

Ok, that's creepy.

[phone ringing]

Ah, it's him.
It's him.

That's shameful.

I haven't even looked
at another man since 1949.

When the husband dies, you die.

But you're not dead.

Inside you die.

Oh, you still maintain
the Shell.

[laughter]

I have a date.

My first date in 25 years.

He wants me to meet him
at the windy highland marina.

Do you know where that is?

It's where whores go.

You're too old
to act like this.

She's not old.

40 is the new 30.

And 50 is the new 40.

What's 80?

It's still 80.

And I still don't like you.

Oh... Oh, it's time.

Well, apparently
I have a caretaker,

Whatever that means.

I also have a date.

Hank is making dinner
for me on his boat.

Plumbers in Cleveland
can afford boats?

This is crazy.

You're uprooting your whole life
for some guy you met at a bar?

I mean, what do you
even know about this guy?

I know that
I've never felt so alive.

And you know what?

Maybe at our age,

We're just supposed
to pounce on these things.

My kids are in college.

Anders has clearly moved on.

So why am I gonna
rush back to L.A.

And a very empty house?

Don't wait up.

What are you doing?

What Melanie should have done.

Googling Hank.

Ah, good idea. Let's find out
about this guy.

Put in "hank,
plumber, Cleveland,

Windy highland marina."

This is why the Internet
was invented:

For men to find pictures of naked celebrities
and women to cyber-stalk the men they trust.

Oh, look. Okay, here's an image
of him

From a month ago with...

Both: His wife.

Well, who didn't
see that coming?

I really wanna hear about your book.

Oh, well...

It really just came out of me
trying to stay sane

while I was home with my kids, I'd just jot
something down that I wanted to do some day.

And after 18 years...

I had 200 of them.

So I'd just make a book out of it.

- Huh.
- So what would be on your list?

Honestly?

I have always wanted to...

Learn to tango.

Yeah.

Rose in my teeth.
The whole bit.

Oh, my God.
Me too!

- Really?
- Yes.

Let's do it together.

- That would be--
I'd really--

Really like that.

Um, Melanie, there's, uh--

There's something I really
think you should know,

And I have been picturing
myself telling you

And coming up with these
really awful scenarios.

Both: He's married!

Not that bad,
but kind of like that.

Oh, my God.

That's what
you were trying--

Oh, my God.
- No.

Melanie, please.
Oh, no, no.

Please don't.
Stop, stop, stop!

You can just leave.

But this is my boat.

Just go!

Please just don't.

Honey, what can we do?

Let's kill him.

That's your solution
to everything.

Well, could we just
try it once?

I just wanted to feel
young and stupid.

Now I just feel stupid.

Stupid and old.

You're not old.

40 is the new 25.

I thought 40 was the new 30.

Well, if we're just gonna make
crap up, I'd rather be 25.

[knock on door]

- Excuse me.
- I said go away!

There's something
I need to say.

I think you've said
and done quite enough.

I didn't go to that bar
with this in mind,

But then three incredibly
beautiful, sophisticated women

Came in and sat down
at my table.

Go on.

Melanie, you were
so breathtakingly beautiful

That I couldn't stop myself.

I am a plumber who's stuck
in a bad marriage

And who hurt someone
he never should have hurt.

I am so sorry.

Well, for sophisticated ladies,

Maybe we shouldn't have burst
in on you like that.

But when one of us is in trouble,
then nothing else in the world matters.

[cell phone rings]

Oh, my God.
It's my agent.

Okay, everybody, just shut up.

He thinks I'm in Paris.

Oui, hello?

Yes?
Hi.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Well, let's talk tomorrow.

Right.

Well, I, uh, have an audition

For the next
transformers movie.

Oh, what part?

To play Megan fox's
grandmother.

But that's just ridiculous.

We should have your agent killed.

And make Megan Fox watch.

If anybody thinks you look
like a grandma, they're crazy.

Oh, thank you.

He's a keeper.

[laughter]

He lied to me.

Cheated on his wife.

And still...

He's one of the nicest guys I've met in years.

Imagine what the men are like here
who don't screw around on their wives.

Oh, God, I don't wanna audition
for grandmothers' parts.

I loved being the queen of daytime.

I loved being the eyebrow queen.

Well, if I lost Oprah, at least I don't
have to pretend to like Maya Angelo anymore.

I've put everything in my business.
If that doesn't work out, I've got nothing.

Or...

You have the chance to change something.

Number 72.

Re-invent yourself.

Oh, God, I really want to do that.

I know it may sound crazy, but...

I think I wanna do that here.

You're not gonna become one of those
women who like themselves, are you?

Cause everybody hates those women.

Let me ask you something.

What's the deal with old ladies
and track suites?

It's simple.

In your twenties you dress for men.

In your fourties you dress for success.

In your eighties you dress
for the bathroom.

***

So, too bad about that married guy.

Um, yeah...

When I was your age, we didn't get
into that kind of trouble.

My husband was the only man I ever dated.

Well, didn't you ever wanna try another
one out, I mean, you know, just to compare?

Well, that's a sinful thought.

So, you're OK, Mel?

Yeah, yeah, I'm good.

And you guys have
a very early flight tomorrow.

So please, just go to Paris
and have a wonderful time.

I don't know.

Somehow I can't seem to get excited
about Paris anymore.

You know, Melanie...

Your joy...

Instead of spending two weeks in Paris we
could spend 2 weeks in Cleveland. I mean...

The Paris of Ohio.

No, that's Toledo.

So, what should we do now?

I say...

We go to that bar
where men think we're hot.

I'll drive.