Horace and Pete (2016): Season 1, Episode 6 - Episode #1.6 - full transcript
Pete meets a woman through internet dating and brings her home to meet the family.
♪♪
♪ And I won't be
your man anymore ♪
♪ Gonna take it ♪
♪ Gonna fake it ♪
♪ Girl I'm not
gonna be your man anymore ♪
(clattering)
♪ I won't be
your man anymore ♪
♪ You're gonna take it ♪
♪ I'm not gonna fake it ♪♪
(player clicks)
(classical music playing)
(exhales)
(brush clatters)
Oh.
(groans)
(exhaling, groaning)
(grunts)
(sighing)
So.
- This is nice.
- Huh?
- This is a nice place.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What?
- Well...
Okay.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I mean, it's just that,
this is--
- What's wrong?
You're upset.
- Thank you.
You're upset, I think.
- No, I'm not.
Why?
- Look, I--
You know, I didn't--
If you want to go,
you can just go.
- Go where?
- Yeah, okay.
- Hey, I mean--
I’m not sure what's going on
with you.
This is always weird, but...
We're total strangers,
but I mean,
if you would just tell me...
I mean, are you disappointed
in my looks or...?
- I’m not.
- Because you should know,
I mean, if that's the case,
that doesn't--
That doesn't hurt my feelings.
- I'm not, you're the one.
- I'm the one what?
- Look, I--
I was pretty damn honest on my
profile, you know?
I put my real age
and a current picture
and a preference for women in my
age group, so I expect to meet
someone who's
expecting me, okay?
Because it's not exactly fun to
show up and-- and see a cute
young girl looking at me like,
booby prize.
Do you think that's fun for me?
- Whoa, wait a minute.
I’m not--
- Maybe you should just be
a little bit more careful about
looking at the person
that you choose.
You know, I mean,
what did you expect?
- I expected you.
You look exactly
like your picture.
You look your age, you should...
look your age.
- Were you gonna tell me
you look 45?
- Okay, look...
I'm the one, okay?
I put myself as older.
- Why do you do that?
- Because, I don't know.
Can we just look at the food?
Because, I’m actually hungry.
Or do you really just
want to leave now?
- Yeah, let's look at the food.
- What are you getting?
- Why do you put
yourself as older?
I mean--
I mean, who does that?
Nobody does that.
- Okay.
- I’m sorry, I--
I mean, I don't get it.
- Well, we can talk
about this, but...
I don't really know you.
And you're not really letting
the conversation get started,
so how do we get--
- You sort of put us behind
the eight-ball by lying about
your age from jump.
I mean, how old are you, really?
I mean, maybe we
should just go.
- I'm 26.
- Okay, well...
That's young.
I mean, I’m old enough to be
your ancestor.
- Not really.
- Come on, when I was
in high school,
your parents were in
junior high school.
- My dad is older than you.
It's not as bad
as you're making it.
- Well, so why-- why then--
- I like older guys.
- Okay, but see...
I didn't, you know...
Put that I want
younger woman, all right?
I mean, I know some guys
do that, but I didn't.
You know, I mean,
I'm not like that.
- I know.
I don't like guys that are.
See, I like older guys,
but I don't like older guys that
like younger women.
Those kinds of guys are a drag.
I like...
I don't know.
- Okay, well...
What do you want to do?
- Well, we could just go now.
Since it's all weird.
Or we could have
dinner and talk.
waiter: Hi. Can I get you guys
a drink to start?
- Um...
- I'm okay with water.
- I'll have a white wine.
Do you have anything
that's okay?
waiter: I have a pinot grigio.
- Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
- So...
What do you want to talk about?
- Um...
What do you do?
- I work at a bar.
- Oh, cool.
- Why?
Why-- Why is that cool?
- Because--
I don't know.
'Cause you won't really talk,
because you're mad
and being weird,
and so I just said "cool"
because you're doing nothing
to make me comfortable.
- Sorry.
I’m sorry.
It's just "what do you do"
doesn't exactly raise my stock
any further, all right?
I mean, I work in a bar,
it's my family's bar.
And...
I-- I keep the place clean
and in ship shape,
and I live in
a small room in the back.
It's not exactly impressive.
- Well... so?
I’m a temp and a barista
and I have a stupid blog
about books I stopped writing
two years ago.
No one's impressive anymore.
You're really just
gonna have water?
- Well, I don't drink.
- Mm.
That's actually
pretty refreshing.
Almost everyone I know drinks.
It's boring, you know?
Well, most people
my age, anyway.
I’m so sick of boys my age.
- Yeah, you said that.
So, I mean,
you like older guys, huh?
Does that, like, float your boat
or whatever?
- If you ever tried dating boys
my age, you'd understand.
You don't even realize,
you're a person.
You held the door open for me,
you slid out my chair.
You dressed up.
Boys just show up all smelly
and look at the floor.
You seem like you were
well-raised, like someone taught
you manners and chivalry.
- I mean, not really.
I used to watch
a lot of old movies.
Um...
Guys like Cary Grant.
I don't know, you don't need
somebody to tell you to treat
a lady with respect,
it's something that you're
just compelled to do.
You know, I mean, because women
are special.
And I don't mean like that,
like, uh, you're lesser than men
or anything, or different.
In fact, I feel that women
and men are equals.
- I don't.
- You don’t?
- No.
I mean, depending on how you're
measuring, in some ways,
we're better than men,
or above men,
but other ways,
you guys are way ahead.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, of course.
- That would get a guy killed
for saying that these days.
- Who cares?
I mean, what fun would it be if
we were totally alike and equal?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Like, men are stronger than
women, you know, physically.
I mean, and that's a turn-on,
that's part of what we like
about you.
- Well, I’m not that strong.
- Yeah, but you could
knock me out.
I mean, you could hold me down.
If we were in a fight, you could
fuck me up really bad.
- Okay.
- I’m sorry, I’m being--
I'm being weird.
- Yeah, kind of.
- Uh, it's just--
You know, it's the truth.
It's stupid to pretend
that it isn't.
Men can run faster
and hit harder.
I don't care how butch
or tough a woman is.
When she's gotta move,
she calls some guys to pick up
her furniture.
And sure, she'll have
her hair in a ponytail
and she'll put on a tank top.
But at the end of the day,
there's gonna be some guys
coming to lift that shit.
Come on.
- Yeah, true.
But... uh...
women are morally superior,
I think.
- Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
- Yeah, I think so. I mean,
if I was gonna
trust someone,
it would be a woman first.
They're gentler
and more thoughtful.
- You know, Pete.
You have a lot more good
qualities than you think.
- Why do you say that?
- I think you
sell yourself short.
- I don't.
I know I have good qualities.
- You do?
- Sure.
- Like what?
I’m interested in what
you see in yourself.
That's interesting.
- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
You just said you do.
Come on, tell me what
you know to be some
of your good qualities.
- Um...
I’m fit.
I mean, I’m not a fat guy.
And, um... (clearing throat)
I think the left side of my face
is handsome.
- You do?
- Yeah, I do.
I mean, when I look at myself
from that angle,
I know it looks good.
(laughs)
- Wow.
Good.
That's attractive.
Well, that you're aware
of your own good looks.
What else is good about you?
- Um...
I have a good memory.
- You do?
- Yeah, kind of
a perfect memory.
- Like, you remember
a lot of detail or you remember
very far back?
- Both.
- Well, what's--
What's an early memory?
Like, what's your
earliest memory?
- Uh...
Like, Easter.
- Easter?
- Yeah, when I was three.
- Was it nice?
- I don't remember
the whole day,
but I remember a lot of Easters,
because it's a big
thing at the bar.
You know, at our-- at our place.
Yeah, every year, we do a big
shindig on Easter.
- That sounds nice.
- Yeah.
So this Easter, when I was
three, there was this
very old guy and I guess he came
into the place a lot,
and he came that Easter,
and you know, I was there with
all the other kids
and we were eating some kind of
chocolate, and this old guy,
he, uh--
he bends over and he gets this
really weird look on his face,
and he's holding a paper plate
with ham on it or something,
and then all of a sudden,
he drops the plate,
and he starts throwing up,
like, black blood
all over the floor.
Um... and, uh...
- Oh, my God.
- And he--
And he died.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
And...
You know, the second he fell,
we could all smell
that he shit himself,
and even though I was three,
I knew he was dead.
And ever since then, I haven't
been able to eat chocolate.
- Jesus.
That's horrible.
- Well, I said I had
a good memory,
not that I have good memories.
Well, what are some of your good
qualities that you're aware of?
- Um...
Oh, God.
- Come on, what do you got?
- Mm.
I’m good at...
Nothing.
Pretty much.
Oh, no, this is lame.
I made you do it and you
knocked it out of the park
and now I’m just-- I’m bombing.
- No, it's like
you said, we're--
We're not equals, so maybe
that's something that I can do
that you can't.
- Yeah.
I guess so.
- So let me do it for you.
- What?
- Here, look at me.
Okay, so...
You have pretty eyes.
And you have...
Your hair is shiny
and bouncy and...
- Well, it must be my shampoo.
- I'm not done.
Look at me.
You have a cute smile.
And...
You're smart.
You're brave.
You're kind.
You listen.
You put yourself out there.
And...
You're decent.
You're humble.
Honest.
You're different.
- Different?
- Yeah, you're--
You're totally, utterly
different from any girl
I've ever met.
Woman, I mean.
- Girl is fine.
♪♪
- ♪ Mm... ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪♪
♪ Horace & Pete ♪♪
- Did you close up downstairs?
- Yeah, I closed up.
Should I open the wine?
- Yeah, if you want.
I mean, I don't think that's
the kind of wine where it gets
better when you let it breathe
or anything like that.
- You don't think
I got good wine?
I thought it was good.
25 bucks for the bottle.
- I'm-- I’m sure it's fine,
I’m just saying,
I don't think it's that kind.
- Well, what are you
basing that on?
Did you look at it?
- Not really.
(dishes clanking)
- Then why do you say that?
- I don't know, Pete.
(silverware clanking)
- I feel like you're trying to
make me feel bad
about the wine I got.
- That's in your head.
- Okay, fuck you, Horace.
- What?
What did I do?
- Make a comment and then
you don't stand behind it.
And then--
And then you try and make me
feel like I’m being crazy.
- Well, you are being crazy.
- Yeah, like I said,
fuck you.
- What time is it?
- It's around 7:00 almost.
- What is he upset about?
(glasses clanking)
- I’m not.
He makes a comment about the
wine and then he pretends like
nothing happened.
- It's fine.
You got good wine, Pete.
- I didn't say he didn't.
- You know, Horace, just--
Stop your pressing his fucking
buttons with your
passive-aggressive shit.
- Okay, fine.
- The guy in the wine store said
that this was a good wine
for the price,
and that if you open it up
an hour before you eat,
it gives it time to breathe
and for the aromatic--
- Well, he's the wine guy, don't
ask me, I'm not the wine guy.
- Well, why do you
take it upon yourself--
- 'Cause you fucking
asked me, Pete.
- Horace, where'd you
get these spices?
- I don't know, those are the--
those are the spices.
- They've just sort
of been here?
- Yeah.
Grandma got some
and Mom probably got some.
Marsha, I guess, bought some.
Jesus Christ, Sylvia.
- I'm not living with
a dead person's spices.
It's morbid.
When I die, you can get rid of
these, too.
(pot clanking)
- I’m opening the wine.
- Yeah, that's
a really good idea, Pete.
- Fuck you.
- Uh-huh.
(Horace scoffs)
(Pete grunts)
- Hey, Sylvia, thanks for
cooking up a big dinner.
- I'm not cooking up
a big dinner.
I would have loved to cook a big
dinner, Pete, but you only told
me about this a few hours ago.
You know, I'm making pasta
and I got some meatballs already
cooked from the deli.
- Well, thanks for that.
- Look at Chris Christie.
Look at that face.
(Pete coughs)
God damn it.
He's done.
- I’m thinking, like, Trump
has something over him.
- Right?
- Something, right?
- Yeah.
- It's gotta be.
How does Trump--
I mean, no matter what he does,
no matter what he says,
he just keeps getting stronger.
- No, it's--
I think that the Republicans,
that's why they
have to stop him.
Like, they gotta forget
this election,
stop Trump and then
that'll save them,
because it's like, even if you
don't like them, you'd have to
admire them for that.
- That's not the point, guys.
It's guys.
It's all guys.
It's all about the boys,
you know?
You think maybe
it's time for a woman.
- You really think that
if Hillary was president,
this would all be better?
Like, she would do a better--
- I'm just saying, we've had--
We've had 44 men
in a row in that job
and the world is going to shit.
So how about you
try a woman?
You know, just to try it.
- Just, any woman?
- Yes, any woman.
(knocking on door)
All right, here we go.
- Hey, guys?
Can we just be, uh...
Okay?
Horace.
(clattering)
Sorry.
Hi, Jenny.
- Hi, Pete.
Hi.
- Oh, this is my brother
and sister, this is Horace.
- Nice to meet you.
- Sylvia.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Nice to, um...
- Come on in.
- I brought wine.
- Oh.
- Nothing fancy.
- All right, 'cause I got--
- Pete bought wine, honey,
and he's very anxious about it,
so let's serve his wine.
- That's okay.
You don't have to open this now.
You can have it another time.
- Dinner will be ready
as soon as this water boils.
- Okay, um, no hurry.
- Um...
- Want to have a seat?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
(pots clattering,
dishes clanking)
- Oh, thank you.
- So where are you from?
- I grew up in Michigan.
- Mm, what part?
- Do you know Michigan?
- No.
- Oh. It's--
It's a really small town
called Engadine.
- Sylvia, do you need to wash
the pots or so-- You wanna?
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi there.
- Nice to, uh...
Pete: Mm.
- ...meet you.
- So, Michigan--
Engadine, Michigan?
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, Engadine is--
It's in the U.P.
- Uh-huh.
- What they call the upper
peninsula, in Michigan.
- Is it cold up there?
- In the winter, yeah.
Horace: Right.
- Yeah, Jenny was telling me
that when her dad died,
it was the winter,
and they couldn't
bury him until the thaw.
You know, the ground
was too hard.
- Wow, that's...
Horace: Mhm.
- That's...
- Just saying, that's
how cold it is.
- Yeah.
(clearing throat)
So, how'd you guys...
How'd you end up
here from Michigan?
How did you end up in--
- I-- I went to
Brooklyn College.
- Brooklyn College?
I thought just New York kids
went there.
- I really wanted to live
in New York, since I was little.
Sylvia: Uh-huh.
- It was my dream.
Brooklyn College was the only
school I could get into
that I could afford.
It's funny, I pictured
living in Manhattan,
but I've only been to Manhattan
maybe three times
since I got here.
- And how long ago was that?
That you got here?
That you were in college?
- I’m-- I'm 26.
- Got it.
- So, uh...
- How'd you guys meet?
- We met online,
I told you that.
- Yes, you did.
- Yeah.
I know it's kinda lame, but...
It's just not easy to meet
people these days.
- I've also heard that online
relationships don't last,
but Pete seems pretty darn
serious about you.
- Sylvia.
Come on, I--
I didn't say we were serious.
- It's okay.
We are serious.
I’m crazy about Pete.
- That's nice.
- That's terrific.
- Yeah.
- I’m gonna pour some wine.
(wine bottle clanking)
- Is everything okay?
I’m-- I’m sensing that
there's something--
- No, no, it's all right.
- No, you're--
Pete's new girl, you know.
Since you guys are so serious,
we're getting to know you.
- Well, I appreciate that.
Maybe you could consider
that I'm pretty nervous and,
so you're not really seeing me
as I am right now, because...
Well, this is weird.
- What's weird about it?
That you're half his age?
- Sylvie.
- Come on.
Sylvia, stop.
That's-- You're being mean.
- I am?
- Yeah, pretty fucking mean.
- Uh, the pasta.
- Oh, yeah.
- Can we--
Should we sit?
(pot clanking)
- Listen, don't--
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
- Worry about what?
We're fine.
- Nothing, nothing, it's okay.
Should I sit down?
- Yeah.
(Horace exhaling)
Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Ah, coming through.
(Jenny giggles)
- This looks good.
(silverware clanking)
(clearing throat)
(bowl sliding)
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You want some cheese?
- Please.
- Thank you.
Sylvia: Mm-hm.
(plate clanks)
- Oh, excuse me.
Um...
Jenny's a Baptist, so she's
accustomed to saying grace.
- Really?
- It's okay, we really--
We don't have to.
- Yeah, we don't--
We don't say grace here.
- Well, it wouldn't
kill us to say grace.
I mean...
I mean, you know, if someone who
is present who says grace,
especially if they're a guest,
I think we could
do her the honor.
- That's--
That's fine with me.
- I feel funny.
- No, go ahead, by all means,
say grace at our table.
- Go ahead.
Go ahead, Jenny.
- Pete, don't--
- Don't make her do it.
- Why don't you say it?
You should say it, Pete.
- All right. (clearing throat)
Um, thank you God for this meal.
Thank you for our food.
And... thank you
for bringing us Jenny, um...
to share this meal with us.
And thank you, um...
For our blessings.
Thanks for our brother
and sister.
- You fuck.
You're gonna lie to God now?
- Sylvia.
- Well?
- What?
- He's not our brother.
Horace and I are brother
and sister, Pete's our cousin.
- Oh.
- It's not that simple.
Sylvia: Well...
- We-- We grew up as siblings,
in our childhood and then
we found out late--
- Okay, do you mind
if I tell my life?
At my own choice?
- You brought her here, Pete.
What?
Did you want us to lie, too?
- It's not a lie. I--
What the fuck
do you care what I tell her?
- I’m just saying, you bring
somebody home,
you know, and you want us all to
be family with her or whatever
your fantasy is, you think you'd
tell her the truth.
And yes, Jenny,
I have cancer, by the way.
- Oh, I’m sorry.
- I mean, Pete, I saw
the look on her face.
You could have done the poor
girl a favor, you know, when you
invited her, you could have
said, oh, by the way,
my sister-- my cousin,
has cancer, so she
didn't have to look horrified
when she walked in the door.
- I wasn't horrified.
- Okay, Jenny?
This is my cousin,
Sylvia and my cousin, Horace.
And Sylvia has cancer.
And we used to be brother
and sister, until the man
who I thought was my uncle
dropped the news
that he was my father,
and then he shot himself.
Okay?
Is that enough?
Is that honest enough for you,
Sylvia?
Because apparently,
I have to ask you what
I can tell or not tell
the girl I’m in love with?
- Pete.
- Well, actually, I--
I do think there is more
you could tell her.
Horace: No, don't. Don't.
- What? I just think if they're
in love,
she has
a right to know.
- Maybe don't tell me.
Horace: Don't say it.
Sylvia, don't say it.
- All right, never mind.
Horace: Just...
- Never mind!
Sorry, Jenny.
- It's okay.
Kind of.
- No, really, I'm--
I'm very sorry.
I truly do apologize.
You must be in hell.
You seem like
a very nice person
and this has absolutely nothing
to do with you.
- It's really-- It's okay,
whenever you go
to meet a guy's family,
it's always...
- It's just that when you get to
be older, you're gonna see guys
his age with a girl your age,
it's gonna make
you want to puke.
Of course, it doesn't now,
but it will.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Is there any way at all we
could talk about something else?
Pete: Yes. Please.
- Well, let's see.
Before you got here,
the boys and I were discussing
Hillary Clinton.
I was just saying that
after all the war and graft,
I thought maybe it was time to
let a woman have a try.
What do you think?
- I, um...
I like it better when
a man is president.
- Pete is a heavily
medicated outpatient...
of a mental hospital.
- What?
- Horace.
- He takes something
called Probitol.
If he doesn't take it, he has--
He thinks there's snakes
and monsters everywhere.
He starts screaming.
- Wait.
Pete...
- Why'd you just say that?
- Well...
- Pete, is that true?
- Yes.
Jesus.
Uh...
Yeah, he had a psychotic
breakdown when he was 16.
He was committed to a mental
hospital when he was 25
and lived there on and off
and 'til they invented
Probitol, thank God,
depending on who you ask,
and now he is, you know,
a stable enough man,
he lives in
a little room downstairs,
pushes the broom around,
unless the drug
has him in a stupor.
That's Pete.
Jenny, this is Pete.
Meet Pete.
You ready to take that on?
All of 26?
You ready to handle that and all
that that comes with?
'Til you see him
into his old age
in all of, like, 20 years
from now?
- Fuck.
- What? Come on.
What, it's fine.
We are a family.
Everybody eat your pasta.
- I... I better go.
For the record,
I don't know you guys.
But that was mean,
the way you
just told me that.
And I don't care if he's your
brother or your cousin.
I wouldn't treat a dog the way
you just treated Pete.
I'm sorry.
No, that's--
That's rude to say, but, you
don't seem exactly concerned
with how you talk to me, so...
I’m gonna go.
Pete...
Okay.
Good night.
- Good night.
(footsteps fading)
(door opening)
(door slamming)
- You know, Sylvie,
if you really loved me,
this all would have
been okay...
if you really
ever showed me any love.
(footsteps fading)
(door opening)
(door slamming)
- She seemed really nice.
- This country's going
to shit in a handbag.
(Sylvia sighs)
♪♪
This is good.
- ♪ Hell no ♪
♪ I can't complain
about my problems ♪
♪ I’m okay the way things are ♪
♪ I pull my stool up
to the bar ♪
♪ At Horace & Pete's ♪
♪ Sometimes I wonder ♪
♪ Why do we tear
ourselves to pieces? ♪
♪ I just need some
time to think ♪
♪ Or maybe I just need a drink ♪
♪ At Horace & Pete's ♪
♪ Horace & Pete ♪♪
ancer, by the way.
- Oh, I’m sorry.
- I mean, Pete, I saw
the look on her face.
You could have done the poor
girl a favor, you know, when you
invited her, you could have
said, oh, by the way,
my sister-- my cousin,
has cancer, so she
didn't have to look horrified
when she walked in the door.
- I wasn't horrified.
- Okay, Jenny?
This is my cousin,
Sylvia and my cousin, Horace.
And Sylvia has cancer.
And we used to be brother
and sister, until the man
who I thought was my uncle
dropped the news
that he was my father,
and then he shot himself.
Okay?
Is that enough?
Is that honest enough for you,
Sylvia?
Because apparently,
I have to ask you what
I can tell or not tell
the girl I’m in love with?
- Pete.
- Well, actually, I--
I do think there is more
you could tell her.
Horace: No, don't. Don't.
- What? I just think if they're
in love,
she has
a right to know.
- Maybe don't tell me.
Horace: Don't say it.
Sylvia, don't say it.
- All right, never mind.
Horace: Just...
- Never mind!
Sorry, Jenny.
- It's okay.
Kind of.
- No, really, I'm--
I'm very sorry.
I truly do apologize.
You must be in hell.
You seem like
a very nice person
and this has absolutely nothing
to do with you.
- It's really-- It's okay,
whenever you go
to meet a guy's family,
it's always...
- It's just that when you get to
be older, you're gonna see guys
his age with a girl your age,
it's gonna make
you want to puke.
Of course, it doesn't now,
but it will.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Is there any way at all we
could talk about something else?
Pete: Yes.
♪ And I won't be
your man anymore ♪
♪ Gonna take it ♪
♪ Gonna fake it ♪
♪ Girl I'm not
gonna be your man anymore ♪
(clattering)
♪ I won't be
your man anymore ♪
♪ You're gonna take it ♪
♪ I'm not gonna fake it ♪♪
(player clicks)
(classical music playing)
(exhales)
(brush clatters)
Oh.
(groans)
(exhaling, groaning)
(grunts)
(sighing)
So.
- This is nice.
- Huh?
- This is a nice place.
- Yeah, yeah.
- What?
- Well...
Okay.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I mean, it's just that,
this is--
- What's wrong?
You're upset.
- Thank you.
You're upset, I think.
- No, I'm not.
Why?
- Look, I--
You know, I didn't--
If you want to go,
you can just go.
- Go where?
- Yeah, okay.
- Hey, I mean--
I’m not sure what's going on
with you.
This is always weird, but...
We're total strangers,
but I mean,
if you would just tell me...
I mean, are you disappointed
in my looks or...?
- I’m not.
- Because you should know,
I mean, if that's the case,
that doesn't--
That doesn't hurt my feelings.
- I'm not, you're the one.
- I'm the one what?
- Look, I--
I was pretty damn honest on my
profile, you know?
I put my real age
and a current picture
and a preference for women in my
age group, so I expect to meet
someone who's
expecting me, okay?
Because it's not exactly fun to
show up and-- and see a cute
young girl looking at me like,
booby prize.
Do you think that's fun for me?
- Whoa, wait a minute.
I’m not--
- Maybe you should just be
a little bit more careful about
looking at the person
that you choose.
You know, I mean,
what did you expect?
- I expected you.
You look exactly
like your picture.
You look your age, you should...
look your age.
- Were you gonna tell me
you look 45?
- Okay, look...
I'm the one, okay?
I put myself as older.
- Why do you do that?
- Because, I don't know.
Can we just look at the food?
Because, I’m actually hungry.
Or do you really just
want to leave now?
- Yeah, let's look at the food.
- What are you getting?
- Why do you put
yourself as older?
I mean--
I mean, who does that?
Nobody does that.
- Okay.
- I’m sorry, I--
I mean, I don't get it.
- Well, we can talk
about this, but...
I don't really know you.
And you're not really letting
the conversation get started,
so how do we get--
- You sort of put us behind
the eight-ball by lying about
your age from jump.
I mean, how old are you, really?
I mean, maybe we
should just go.
- I'm 26.
- Okay, well...
That's young.
I mean, I’m old enough to be
your ancestor.
- Not really.
- Come on, when I was
in high school,
your parents were in
junior high school.
- My dad is older than you.
It's not as bad
as you're making it.
- Well, so why-- why then--
- I like older guys.
- Okay, but see...
I didn't, you know...
Put that I want
younger woman, all right?
I mean, I know some guys
do that, but I didn't.
You know, I mean,
I'm not like that.
- I know.
I don't like guys that are.
See, I like older guys,
but I don't like older guys that
like younger women.
Those kinds of guys are a drag.
I like...
I don't know.
- Okay, well...
What do you want to do?
- Well, we could just go now.
Since it's all weird.
Or we could have
dinner and talk.
waiter: Hi. Can I get you guys
a drink to start?
- Um...
- I'm okay with water.
- I'll have a white wine.
Do you have anything
that's okay?
waiter: I have a pinot grigio.
- Yeah, sure.
Thanks.
- So...
What do you want to talk about?
- Um...
What do you do?
- I work at a bar.
- Oh, cool.
- Why?
Why-- Why is that cool?
- Because--
I don't know.
'Cause you won't really talk,
because you're mad
and being weird,
and so I just said "cool"
because you're doing nothing
to make me comfortable.
- Sorry.
I’m sorry.
It's just "what do you do"
doesn't exactly raise my stock
any further, all right?
I mean, I work in a bar,
it's my family's bar.
And...
I-- I keep the place clean
and in ship shape,
and I live in
a small room in the back.
It's not exactly impressive.
- Well... so?
I’m a temp and a barista
and I have a stupid blog
about books I stopped writing
two years ago.
No one's impressive anymore.
You're really just
gonna have water?
- Well, I don't drink.
- Mm.
That's actually
pretty refreshing.
Almost everyone I know drinks.
It's boring, you know?
Well, most people
my age, anyway.
I’m so sick of boys my age.
- Yeah, you said that.
So, I mean,
you like older guys, huh?
Does that, like, float your boat
or whatever?
- If you ever tried dating boys
my age, you'd understand.
You don't even realize,
you're a person.
You held the door open for me,
you slid out my chair.
You dressed up.
Boys just show up all smelly
and look at the floor.
You seem like you were
well-raised, like someone taught
you manners and chivalry.
- I mean, not really.
I used to watch
a lot of old movies.
Um...
Guys like Cary Grant.
I don't know, you don't need
somebody to tell you to treat
a lady with respect,
it's something that you're
just compelled to do.
You know, I mean, because women
are special.
And I don't mean like that,
like, uh, you're lesser than men
or anything, or different.
In fact, I feel that women
and men are equals.
- I don't.
- You don’t?
- No.
I mean, depending on how you're
measuring, in some ways,
we're better than men,
or above men,
but other ways,
you guys are way ahead.
- Yeah?
- Yeah, of course.
- That would get a guy killed
for saying that these days.
- Who cares?
I mean, what fun would it be if
we were totally alike and equal?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Like, men are stronger than
women, you know, physically.
I mean, and that's a turn-on,
that's part of what we like
about you.
- Well, I’m not that strong.
- Yeah, but you could
knock me out.
I mean, you could hold me down.
If we were in a fight, you could
fuck me up really bad.
- Okay.
- I’m sorry, I’m being--
I'm being weird.
- Yeah, kind of.
- Uh, it's just--
You know, it's the truth.
It's stupid to pretend
that it isn't.
Men can run faster
and hit harder.
I don't care how butch
or tough a woman is.
When she's gotta move,
she calls some guys to pick up
her furniture.
And sure, she'll have
her hair in a ponytail
and she'll put on a tank top.
But at the end of the day,
there's gonna be some guys
coming to lift that shit.
Come on.
- Yeah, true.
But... uh...
women are morally superior,
I think.
- Oh, my God.
Are you serious?
- Yeah, I think so. I mean,
if I was gonna
trust someone,
it would be a woman first.
They're gentler
and more thoughtful.
- You know, Pete.
You have a lot more good
qualities than you think.
- Why do you say that?
- I think you
sell yourself short.
- I don't.
I know I have good qualities.
- You do?
- Sure.
- Like what?
I’m interested in what
you see in yourself.
That's interesting.
- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.
You just said you do.
Come on, tell me what
you know to be some
of your good qualities.
- Um...
I’m fit.
I mean, I’m not a fat guy.
And, um... (clearing throat)
I think the left side of my face
is handsome.
- You do?
- Yeah, I do.
I mean, when I look at myself
from that angle,
I know it looks good.
(laughs)
- Wow.
Good.
That's attractive.
Well, that you're aware
of your own good looks.
What else is good about you?
- Um...
I have a good memory.
- You do?
- Yeah, kind of
a perfect memory.
- Like, you remember
a lot of detail or you remember
very far back?
- Both.
- Well, what's--
What's an early memory?
Like, what's your
earliest memory?
- Uh...
Like, Easter.
- Easter?
- Yeah, when I was three.
- Was it nice?
- I don't remember
the whole day,
but I remember a lot of Easters,
because it's a big
thing at the bar.
You know, at our-- at our place.
Yeah, every year, we do a big
shindig on Easter.
- That sounds nice.
- Yeah.
So this Easter, when I was
three, there was this
very old guy and I guess he came
into the place a lot,
and he came that Easter,
and you know, I was there with
all the other kids
and we were eating some kind of
chocolate, and this old guy,
he, uh--
he bends over and he gets this
really weird look on his face,
and he's holding a paper plate
with ham on it or something,
and then all of a sudden,
he drops the plate,
and he starts throwing up,
like, black blood
all over the floor.
Um... and, uh...
- Oh, my God.
- And he--
And he died.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
And...
You know, the second he fell,
we could all smell
that he shit himself,
and even though I was three,
I knew he was dead.
And ever since then, I haven't
been able to eat chocolate.
- Jesus.
That's horrible.
- Well, I said I had
a good memory,
not that I have good memories.
Well, what are some of your good
qualities that you're aware of?
- Um...
Oh, God.
- Come on, what do you got?
- Mm.
I’m good at...
Nothing.
Pretty much.
Oh, no, this is lame.
I made you do it and you
knocked it out of the park
and now I’m just-- I’m bombing.
- No, it's like
you said, we're--
We're not equals, so maybe
that's something that I can do
that you can't.
- Yeah.
I guess so.
- So let me do it for you.
- What?
- Here, look at me.
Okay, so...
You have pretty eyes.
And you have...
Your hair is shiny
and bouncy and...
- Well, it must be my shampoo.
- I'm not done.
Look at me.
You have a cute smile.
And...
You're smart.
You're brave.
You're kind.
You listen.
You put yourself out there.
And...
You're decent.
You're humble.
Honest.
You're different.
- Different?
- Yeah, you're--
You're totally, utterly
different from any girl
I've ever met.
Woman, I mean.
- Girl is fine.
♪♪
- ♪ Mm... ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪♪
♪ Horace & Pete ♪♪
- Did you close up downstairs?
- Yeah, I closed up.
Should I open the wine?
- Yeah, if you want.
I mean, I don't think that's
the kind of wine where it gets
better when you let it breathe
or anything like that.
- You don't think
I got good wine?
I thought it was good.
25 bucks for the bottle.
- I'm-- I’m sure it's fine,
I’m just saying,
I don't think it's that kind.
- Well, what are you
basing that on?
Did you look at it?
- Not really.
(dishes clanking)
- Then why do you say that?
- I don't know, Pete.
(silverware clanking)
- I feel like you're trying to
make me feel bad
about the wine I got.
- That's in your head.
- Okay, fuck you, Horace.
- What?
What did I do?
- Make a comment and then
you don't stand behind it.
And then--
And then you try and make me
feel like I’m being crazy.
- Well, you are being crazy.
- Yeah, like I said,
fuck you.
- What time is it?
- It's around 7:00 almost.
- What is he upset about?
(glasses clanking)
- I’m not.
He makes a comment about the
wine and then he pretends like
nothing happened.
- It's fine.
You got good wine, Pete.
- I didn't say he didn't.
- You know, Horace, just--
Stop your pressing his fucking
buttons with your
passive-aggressive shit.
- Okay, fine.
- The guy in the wine store said
that this was a good wine
for the price,
and that if you open it up
an hour before you eat,
it gives it time to breathe
and for the aromatic--
- Well, he's the wine guy, don't
ask me, I'm not the wine guy.
- Well, why do you
take it upon yourself--
- 'Cause you fucking
asked me, Pete.
- Horace, where'd you
get these spices?
- I don't know, those are the--
those are the spices.
- They've just sort
of been here?
- Yeah.
Grandma got some
and Mom probably got some.
Marsha, I guess, bought some.
Jesus Christ, Sylvia.
- I'm not living with
a dead person's spices.
It's morbid.
When I die, you can get rid of
these, too.
(pot clanking)
- I’m opening the wine.
- Yeah, that's
a really good idea, Pete.
- Fuck you.
- Uh-huh.
(Horace scoffs)
(Pete grunts)
- Hey, Sylvia, thanks for
cooking up a big dinner.
- I'm not cooking up
a big dinner.
I would have loved to cook a big
dinner, Pete, but you only told
me about this a few hours ago.
You know, I'm making pasta
and I got some meatballs already
cooked from the deli.
- Well, thanks for that.
- Look at Chris Christie.
Look at that face.
(Pete coughs)
God damn it.
He's done.
- I’m thinking, like, Trump
has something over him.
- Right?
- Something, right?
- Yeah.
- It's gotta be.
How does Trump--
I mean, no matter what he does,
no matter what he says,
he just keeps getting stronger.
- No, it's--
I think that the Republicans,
that's why they
have to stop him.
Like, they gotta forget
this election,
stop Trump and then
that'll save them,
because it's like, even if you
don't like them, you'd have to
admire them for that.
- That's not the point, guys.
It's guys.
It's all guys.
It's all about the boys,
you know?
You think maybe
it's time for a woman.
- You really think that
if Hillary was president,
this would all be better?
Like, she would do a better--
- I'm just saying, we've had--
We've had 44 men
in a row in that job
and the world is going to shit.
So how about you
try a woman?
You know, just to try it.
- Just, any woman?
- Yes, any woman.
(knocking on door)
All right, here we go.
- Hey, guys?
Can we just be, uh...
Okay?
Horace.
(clattering)
Sorry.
Hi, Jenny.
- Hi, Pete.
Hi.
- Oh, this is my brother
and sister, this is Horace.
- Nice to meet you.
- Sylvia.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Nice to, um...
- Come on in.
- I brought wine.
- Oh.
- Nothing fancy.
- All right, 'cause I got--
- Pete bought wine, honey,
and he's very anxious about it,
so let's serve his wine.
- That's okay.
You don't have to open this now.
You can have it another time.
- Dinner will be ready
as soon as this water boils.
- Okay, um, no hurry.
- Um...
- Want to have a seat?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
(pots clattering,
dishes clanking)
- Oh, thank you.
- So where are you from?
- I grew up in Michigan.
- Mm, what part?
- Do you know Michigan?
- No.
- Oh. It's--
It's a really small town
called Engadine.
- Sylvia, do you need to wash
the pots or so-- You wanna?
- Yeah.
- Hi.
- Hi there.
- Nice to, uh...
Pete: Mm.
- ...meet you.
- So, Michigan--
Engadine, Michigan?
- Yeah.
- Uh-huh.
- Yeah, Engadine is--
It's in the U.P.
- Uh-huh.
- What they call the upper
peninsula, in Michigan.
- Is it cold up there?
- In the winter, yeah.
Horace: Right.
- Yeah, Jenny was telling me
that when her dad died,
it was the winter,
and they couldn't
bury him until the thaw.
You know, the ground
was too hard.
- Wow, that's...
Horace: Mhm.
- That's...
- Just saying, that's
how cold it is.
- Yeah.
(clearing throat)
So, how'd you guys...
How'd you end up
here from Michigan?
How did you end up in--
- I-- I went to
Brooklyn College.
- Brooklyn College?
I thought just New York kids
went there.
- I really wanted to live
in New York, since I was little.
Sylvia: Uh-huh.
- It was my dream.
Brooklyn College was the only
school I could get into
that I could afford.
It's funny, I pictured
living in Manhattan,
but I've only been to Manhattan
maybe three times
since I got here.
- And how long ago was that?
That you got here?
That you were in college?
- I’m-- I'm 26.
- Got it.
- So, uh...
- How'd you guys meet?
- We met online,
I told you that.
- Yes, you did.
- Yeah.
I know it's kinda lame, but...
It's just not easy to meet
people these days.
- I've also heard that online
relationships don't last,
but Pete seems pretty darn
serious about you.
- Sylvia.
Come on, I--
I didn't say we were serious.
- It's okay.
We are serious.
I’m crazy about Pete.
- That's nice.
- That's terrific.
- Yeah.
- I’m gonna pour some wine.
(wine bottle clanking)
- Is everything okay?
I’m-- I’m sensing that
there's something--
- No, no, it's all right.
- No, you're--
Pete's new girl, you know.
Since you guys are so serious,
we're getting to know you.
- Well, I appreciate that.
Maybe you could consider
that I'm pretty nervous and,
so you're not really seeing me
as I am right now, because...
Well, this is weird.
- What's weird about it?
That you're half his age?
- Sylvie.
- Come on.
Sylvia, stop.
That's-- You're being mean.
- I am?
- Yeah, pretty fucking mean.
- Uh, the pasta.
- Oh, yeah.
- Can we--
Should we sit?
(pot clanking)
- Listen, don't--
Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it.
- Worry about what?
We're fine.
- Nothing, nothing, it's okay.
Should I sit down?
- Yeah.
(Horace exhaling)
Here you go.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Ah, coming through.
(Jenny giggles)
- This looks good.
(silverware clanking)
(clearing throat)
(bowl sliding)
Thank you.
- Yeah.
- Thank you.
- You want some cheese?
- Please.
- Thank you.
Sylvia: Mm-hm.
(plate clanks)
- Oh, excuse me.
Um...
Jenny's a Baptist, so she's
accustomed to saying grace.
- Really?
- It's okay, we really--
We don't have to.
- Yeah, we don't--
We don't say grace here.
- Well, it wouldn't
kill us to say grace.
I mean...
I mean, you know, if someone who
is present who says grace,
especially if they're a guest,
I think we could
do her the honor.
- That's--
That's fine with me.
- I feel funny.
- No, go ahead, by all means,
say grace at our table.
- Go ahead.
Go ahead, Jenny.
- Pete, don't--
- Don't make her do it.
- Why don't you say it?
You should say it, Pete.
- All right. (clearing throat)
Um, thank you God for this meal.
Thank you for our food.
And... thank you
for bringing us Jenny, um...
to share this meal with us.
And thank you, um...
For our blessings.
Thanks for our brother
and sister.
- You fuck.
You're gonna lie to God now?
- Sylvia.
- Well?
- What?
- He's not our brother.
Horace and I are brother
and sister, Pete's our cousin.
- Oh.
- It's not that simple.
Sylvia: Well...
- We-- We grew up as siblings,
in our childhood and then
we found out late--
- Okay, do you mind
if I tell my life?
At my own choice?
- You brought her here, Pete.
What?
Did you want us to lie, too?
- It's not a lie. I--
What the fuck
do you care what I tell her?
- I’m just saying, you bring
somebody home,
you know, and you want us all to
be family with her or whatever
your fantasy is, you think you'd
tell her the truth.
And yes, Jenny,
I have cancer, by the way.
- Oh, I’m sorry.
- I mean, Pete, I saw
the look on her face.
You could have done the poor
girl a favor, you know, when you
invited her, you could have
said, oh, by the way,
my sister-- my cousin,
has cancer, so she
didn't have to look horrified
when she walked in the door.
- I wasn't horrified.
- Okay, Jenny?
This is my cousin,
Sylvia and my cousin, Horace.
And Sylvia has cancer.
And we used to be brother
and sister, until the man
who I thought was my uncle
dropped the news
that he was my father,
and then he shot himself.
Okay?
Is that enough?
Is that honest enough for you,
Sylvia?
Because apparently,
I have to ask you what
I can tell or not tell
the girl I’m in love with?
- Pete.
- Well, actually, I--
I do think there is more
you could tell her.
Horace: No, don't. Don't.
- What? I just think if they're
in love,
she has
a right to know.
- Maybe don't tell me.
Horace: Don't say it.
Sylvia, don't say it.
- All right, never mind.
Horace: Just...
- Never mind!
Sorry, Jenny.
- It's okay.
Kind of.
- No, really, I'm--
I'm very sorry.
I truly do apologize.
You must be in hell.
You seem like
a very nice person
and this has absolutely nothing
to do with you.
- It's really-- It's okay,
whenever you go
to meet a guy's family,
it's always...
- It's just that when you get to
be older, you're gonna see guys
his age with a girl your age,
it's gonna make
you want to puke.
Of course, it doesn't now,
but it will.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Is there any way at all we
could talk about something else?
Pete: Yes. Please.
- Well, let's see.
Before you got here,
the boys and I were discussing
Hillary Clinton.
I was just saying that
after all the war and graft,
I thought maybe it was time to
let a woman have a try.
What do you think?
- I, um...
I like it better when
a man is president.
- Pete is a heavily
medicated outpatient...
of a mental hospital.
- What?
- Horace.
- He takes something
called Probitol.
If he doesn't take it, he has--
He thinks there's snakes
and monsters everywhere.
He starts screaming.
- Wait.
Pete...
- Why'd you just say that?
- Well...
- Pete, is that true?
- Yes.
Jesus.
Uh...
Yeah, he had a psychotic
breakdown when he was 16.
He was committed to a mental
hospital when he was 25
and lived there on and off
and 'til they invented
Probitol, thank God,
depending on who you ask,
and now he is, you know,
a stable enough man,
he lives in
a little room downstairs,
pushes the broom around,
unless the drug
has him in a stupor.
That's Pete.
Jenny, this is Pete.
Meet Pete.
You ready to take that on?
All of 26?
You ready to handle that and all
that that comes with?
'Til you see him
into his old age
in all of, like, 20 years
from now?
- Fuck.
- What? Come on.
What, it's fine.
We are a family.
Everybody eat your pasta.
- I... I better go.
For the record,
I don't know you guys.
But that was mean,
the way you
just told me that.
And I don't care if he's your
brother or your cousin.
I wouldn't treat a dog the way
you just treated Pete.
I'm sorry.
No, that's--
That's rude to say, but, you
don't seem exactly concerned
with how you talk to me, so...
I’m gonna go.
Pete...
Okay.
Good night.
- Good night.
(footsteps fading)
(door opening)
(door slamming)
- You know, Sylvie,
if you really loved me,
this all would have
been okay...
if you really
ever showed me any love.
(footsteps fading)
(door opening)
(door slamming)
- She seemed really nice.
- This country's going
to shit in a handbag.
(Sylvia sighs)
♪♪
This is good.
- ♪ Hell no ♪
♪ I can't complain
about my problems ♪
♪ I’m okay the way things are ♪
♪ I pull my stool up
to the bar ♪
♪ At Horace & Pete's ♪
♪ Sometimes I wonder ♪
♪ Why do we tear
ourselves to pieces? ♪
♪ I just need some
time to think ♪
♪ Or maybe I just need a drink ♪
♪ At Horace & Pete's ♪
♪ Horace & Pete ♪♪
ancer, by the way.
- Oh, I’m sorry.
- I mean, Pete, I saw
the look on her face.
You could have done the poor
girl a favor, you know, when you
invited her, you could have
said, oh, by the way,
my sister-- my cousin,
has cancer, so she
didn't have to look horrified
when she walked in the door.
- I wasn't horrified.
- Okay, Jenny?
This is my cousin,
Sylvia and my cousin, Horace.
And Sylvia has cancer.
And we used to be brother
and sister, until the man
who I thought was my uncle
dropped the news
that he was my father,
and then he shot himself.
Okay?
Is that enough?
Is that honest enough for you,
Sylvia?
Because apparently,
I have to ask you what
I can tell or not tell
the girl I’m in love with?
- Pete.
- Well, actually, I--
I do think there is more
you could tell her.
Horace: No, don't. Don't.
- What? I just think if they're
in love,
she has
a right to know.
- Maybe don't tell me.
Horace: Don't say it.
Sylvia, don't say it.
- All right, never mind.
Horace: Just...
- Never mind!
Sorry, Jenny.
- It's okay.
Kind of.
- No, really, I'm--
I'm very sorry.
I truly do apologize.
You must be in hell.
You seem like
a very nice person
and this has absolutely nothing
to do with you.
- It's really-- It's okay,
whenever you go
to meet a guy's family,
it's always...
- It's just that when you get to
be older, you're gonna see guys
his age with a girl your age,
it's gonna make
you want to puke.
Of course, it doesn't now,
but it will.
- Okay.
- Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
- Is there any way at all we
could talk about something else?
Pete: Yes.