Hooten & the Lady (2016–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Bhutan - full transcript

Alex gets a lead on an ancient scroll that is rumoured to have been written by the Buddha himself. She enlists Hooten to go with her to the Himalayan kingdom of Bhutan to find it but ends up racing against time to save his life.

Are you wondering how healthy the food you are eating is? Check it - foodval.com

You were supposed to repay me...

- A week ago.
- _

And where do I find you?

In a bar with empty pockets

and no respect for my generosity.


("More than a feeling"

Hold that thought.

- Two questions; Are you busy?

- And how soon can you get to Bhutan?

Explain Bhutan.

Make it quick.

ALEX: Something amazing

has come to life.
Something of immense value.

Wh-what? Wait, I'm gonna
put you on speaker phone.


- No, I...
- All right, I've got Alfonso here.


I've also got Alfonso's
nearest and dearest.


- This is Alexandra. She is...
- Please, take me off speaker phone.

is a Lady, with
a key to untold riches.

Sorry, what?!

Paint them a picture!

I will do no such thing!

Yes... yes, you will.

I bloody well won't!

Do as you're damn well told?

I'm not having a
conversation with Mr Rude.

Pretty please?
With a cherry on top.

It's an ancient scroll. A scroll

that Buddha himself may have written.

Buddha, Hooten,
The Buddha.

The Buddha?

- I... wait one second. Hold on.
- What? No, no, I c...

- MAN: Hey!
- Hi.

- You're ready?
- Uh...

What is it this time?

Golden Fleece?

Icarus's wings?

- Wanon's ivory commode.
- Yes, the third one.

- Where?
- Bhutan.

The old girl got around.

This is huge, Ed.

I know.
When do you leave?

HOOTEN: Uh, hello!

Uh, yeah, I know,
I should just... wait!

I just... I wanted to see
you before I left.

HOOTEN: Women!

ALEX: I was saying,

You were about to tell me how
much this scroll might be worth.

It's always about money
with you, isn't it?

Humour me.

Prerefably in Bolivian Bolvianos.

Bolivian what?

Well, obviously if it's what I think
it is, then it's... priceless.


Hear that, Alfie?

I can go and get this scroll,

I find a buyer, and
I can pay you back.


- Triple?
- What do you think, boys?

Should I trust him?

[EZRA FURMAN: "Restless Year"]

♪ I set up camp
in the center of town ♪

♪ Ready for freedom
when it all comes down ♪

♪ Snapping my fingers,
walking around ♪

♪ I'm a dusty jewel
in the thrown-out crown ♪

♪ Got a bus pass to make my way ♪

♪ From hideout to hideout
in the heat of the day ♪

♪ I got a talisman tote
with the whole array ♪

♪ And when you catch
my coat-tails I'll be miles away ♪




Welcome to the land of
the thunder dragon!

I take it they like their currys hot.

Hi, sorry. Sorry, this isn't a d...

Relax, that's Hidalgo.
He's with me.

He can't speak.
He's mute.

Look. He's wanted to see Bhutan.

Heard I was coming, so...

- This isn't a sight-seeing trip.
- You won't even know he's here.

HOOTEN: So, where we headed?

ALEX: Up into the moutains
to see a parchment.

So make
yourself comfortable.

I-I still don't get it.

Since when did the Buddha
ever write anything down?

ALEX: Do you think, you could...

finish what you're doing before
we continue having this conversation?

Woman from the museum of Bhutan,

she's convinced
the scroll exists, right?

- Yes, she is.
- So why call you?

Well, she has evidence that it was...

in a temple somewhere
in the mountains, but they can't

locate it.

So they thought that
I might be able to help.

HOOTEN: When we find
this scroll, we get to...

keep it, right?

ALEX: Deciding what we do with it is
the least of our trouble.

You've got to try
and find the thing first.


Uh, I was brought up to wash
my hands after going to the lavatory.

I was brought up not to pee in my hands.




[MANU CHAO: "Me gustas tu"]
♪ Me gusta el viento, me gustas tú ♪

♪ Me gusta soñar, me gustas tú ♪

♪ Me gusta la mar, me gustas tú ♪

♪ Qué voy a hacer
Je ne sais pas ♪

♪ Qué voy a hacer
Je ne sais plus ♪

♪ Qué voy a hacer ♪


Why are they all smiling?

Bhutan is the eighth happiest
country in the world.

They measure Gross National Happiness,
rather than Gross Domestic Product.

Someone swallowed a guide book.

Lady Alexandra!


Penny McQuinn!

Oh, delighted to meet you.


Now, how was your trip?

Never mind.
You're here now.

Who's this fine gent
you brought with you?

Uh, firstly, please, call me
Alex. Uh, this is Hooten.

Hooten's... friend.

Pleasure's all mine.

So when do we get
to see this scroll?

Ah, if only it was that simple.

Truth of it is that's...
sort of why you're here.

Walk and talk.

Remember the deal.

We get the scroll, find a buyer,
we sell it, you go back and pay Alfonso.

No more firing squad,
everyone's happy. Okay?

No mas shuti Huti.

PENNY: Legend has it,

that the Grand Guru came here
to build a temple in the mountains.

Until Bhutan embraced
modern technology,

it was impossible
to prove its existence.

And now you have?

Huh, well. Uh...

I have good news,
and bad news. Bad first?

Well, lets's go with the good.

Which is...

I was recently showed a parchment,

supposedly detailing
the location of the temple.

- That's incredible!
- Which brings us to the bad.

We've used 3D, satellite,

of the areas indicated,

infrared imaging...
everything we've got.

Couldn't find a single
blessed thing.

Can I see it?

Thought you never asked!
Now, how are you around old people?


Good. Because she's very frail,

and probably
doesn't have long to live.



Kapila, would you feel well
enough to chat to my friends?

These are the people
I told you about,

from the British Museum.


When Kapila was in her late teens,
she was engaged to be married

to a boy called A.J.

And it was A.J. that
found the parchment.

In a clay pot,

in a cave,

up in the mountains.

And the parchment reveals
the location of the temple?

It said it did.

But A.J. couldn't
translate it at first.

Then he noticed something
that he had missed,

he got terribly excited,

said he knew where
the temple was,

and raced off the day
before the wedding!

No doubt,

he wanted to bring untold riches

back for his true love.

Got a ball park figure
on those riches?

Did you... uh, the parchment,
you said A.J. saw something.

Do you know what that was?

If I did, I'd be half-way
up the mountain myself!

The tragedy is that...

A.J. never came back.

He waits...

in Nirvana.

Kapila believes that the scroll will

give her entry to Nirvana.

So that she and A.J. can finally
be together again.

Do you think she'd be willing
to show me the parchment now?

Oh, of course!

But it's only polite to spend some
time with her first, not rush in.

Like that's the only thing
we're interested in.

Even though it is.

How you doing?

You... help me?!

I'll do my damndest.

You. You lost someone.

Yeah, well, haven't we all?

But you still feel the pain.

In there,


it burns.

When you have no love,

you know that nothing dies.

It just go to another place.

You want to see the parchment?

That my love found?

I'd like that very much.

Drink the tea.

And I will show you.


If you take it...

you must come back.


I'm so sorry, he's American.

That's racist.

It is not blown
out of the candle.

It is the extinction
of the flame.

Because days come.

(WHISPERS) I have given him...

Oh, is she all right?

Kapila has made sure that
Mr Hooten will be coming back.

Sorry, I don't understand.

She's poisoned his tea.

You can't let her sleep.

Wake her up! Find out
what she's given me.

Don't you think
I've tried that already?

Penny says she's taken
some sort of remedy.

Then slap her.

Hooten, she's a
hundred years old!

Yeah, I don't care! Bucket
of water or electrodes,

you can't just let her
get away with this.

Mr Hooten was just inquiring as to
when Kapila is likely to wake up.


The day after?

She poisoned you,
Mr Hooten, because

it's an ancient Bhutanese practice.

It started as a way of
protecting the village from strangers,

but it's evolved into a means of
manipulating others to do your bidding.

Bring her what she wants,
and she'll give you the antidote.

ELLA: And you've no idea
what poison it is?

Yes, of course, yeah,
Clive's arranging evac.

ALEX: Brillant. Okay, we'll
call you when he has an answer.

Oh, sorry, I've gotta go.
I'm gonna call straight back.

A storm's coming in.
Everything is grounded.

You mean we can't get to them?

Not for the next 48 hours.

Look, I'll get all
departments across this.

Anthropology and the Asia specialists,

they may know something we don't.

I'll reach out to the foreign office.

You get onto medical options.

Eighth happiest country in the world?!

Not anymore!


- Okay. Well...

do you know
how soon until it hits?



Okay. Well...
Can you just...

call me as soon as
anything changes.


There's a storm
on its way.

They can't fly anyone to us.
Thay can only send a truck.

How long before this
poison kicks in?

I'd say you have at least a day.

Hey, don't pluck numbers out of the sky,
you have a dying man here.

ALEX: Okay, let's think rationally.

Ella said that A.J.
left and went into the mountains

on the eve of their wedding.

- That means he believes

that he would have been able to make
it there and back again within a day.

Maybe even less.

I am truly sorry.

If only we knew what kind
of poison it was.

How do you people feel
about water boarding?

I have some equipment.

No, no. I was top three
in my chemistry class.

I thought we could run
some tests on the cup.

To try and find out
what poison she used.

Yes, okay, good start, uh.

What about you and me?

I don't think we have a choice.

I'm not water boarding
an old woman.

I meant if this temple

is a day away,
we could probably get there

and back before help arrives.

It's our best odds.

No, you need to rest.

Sit here and die you mean.

I don't think so.

Saddle up, Mary Poppins,

we're going to the mountains.

No, you've mixed two films,
no, that's not...

What does this say?



That doesn't actually help.

Yeah, well, um.

Just as a candle needs fire to burn,

so man needs a spiritual life to live.

When the thumb rises on Heart
Mountain against the sun

the hand unclenches,

to reveal what lies in the palm.

That doesn't help either.

Well, it's... it's poly quote
from the Buddha.

It mentions Heart Mountain, and...

well, the rest is a mystery.

Which is why I called Alex.

HOOTEN: Well, then let's go
to this Heart Mountain.

If A.J. found something,
so will we.

Let's go.

How do you feel?

Fresh mountain air,
spectacular views,

slightly furry mouth.
What's not to love?




I.. I've spoken to the London
Board of Hygiene and Tropical medicine.

And they want you to relay

any and all of Mr Hooten's symptoms,

as they happen.

They can formulate an antidote
once they identify the toxin.

- Well, that's good news, isn't it?
- Yeah.

So, keep us updated.

Were they positive?

Uh.. the problem is,
is that

they need to know now!

Because as soon
as the symptoms kick in, then...

Mr Hooten is likely to die.

Before anyone can
actually identify the poison,

and/or deliver the cure.

ALEX: Ed keeps organizing things,
I keep canceling them.

His company thinks he's made me up,
that I don't actually exist.

HOOTEN: Can I ask you something?

Are you going to talk,
all the way up this mountain?

As I die a slow and painful death.

ALEX: Think positively.

The slower it is the more time
we've got to find the cure.

Is there another way?

HOOTEN: Not if we want to get there
before I come back as a goat.

Alright, we go one at a time.

Okay, who's first?

- Absolutely, you can go first.
- What?

She's got some cojones.

Doesn't seem too bad, actually.


- HOOTEN: You okay?

Yep, fine.

Try not to break
any more of the bridge,

other people need to use it.

Remember, if I die,
you go back empty handed.

And you know how
Alfonso likes a firing squad.

- HOOTEN: What the hell?
- ALEX: What are you doing?

Come on man, pick a bridge,
any bridge.


HOOTEN: Keep it together.

No, no, no. It's too frail,
you can't go both at once.

ALEX: Hooten, mind the...

- HOOTEN: Whoa!
- ALEX: Yeah.

HOOTEN: I hope you fall, big guy.

HOOTEN: Double vision,
I had double vision.

Well, that's good.

In what world is that good?

It's another sympton. Ella needs
all the intel she can get, Hooten.

You know, bravo you.

HOOTEN: Now it feels like my larynx
is trying to strangle itself.

Just keep taking long,
deep, breaths.

Even my legs are feeling dizzy.


This is a mistake,
we should go back down.

The hell we will.

Penny said that A.J. saw something
in the parchment.


You alright?

Just find out whatever it is.

You are the expert, right?

I wrote a paper on the period,
which means I know more than you do.

But then, that's true
about most things.

Way to talk to the dead guy.

Not dead yet.

Lovin' the optimism.

Right. You're shivering.

Hot or cold?


Cold's winning.

So Penny's still testing
the cup that he drank from,

but we think we've narrowed it
down to Ranunculaceae Plant Family,

possibly aconitum, but you know,
we're getting there.

Oh, and um...

our forensic anthropologist
informs us

that most poisons
derived from those used

by Monks on their arrow heads.

And they used local plants,
and remedies.

Clive wants a word.

Hey. Hi.

How's Mr Hooten holding up?

ALEX: I'm really worried.
A high fever and shivering, but...

still with us.

Tell him to hang in there.
I promise you we are going to save him.

Thanks, Clive.


Oh... Come on, Alex.

Where the thumb rises.

Maybe he was a hitchhiker.

Not helping.

Where the thumb rises
on Heart Mountain

and meets the sun.

Well, maybe that's it.


The first parts from Buddha.

Just as a candle
cannot burn without fire,

man cannot live
without spiritual life.

Why is that in there? It must be
deliberate. Give me your lighter.

- Give it to me, please. Thanks.
- Hey, whoa, whoa,

what are you doing?

Great. Hold this.

What is it?

This must be what A.J. saw.

It's a trick that monks use sometimes
to pass messages

that couldn't be seen
by their enemies.

Theses are place names,
this is a hidden map!

Tell me that thumb thing again.

Where the thumb rises on
Heart Mountain and meets the sun.

Well, if this is a map, and that's...

Heart Mountain, where's the sun?

ALEX: Neetma, Neetma is sun.


So if the start point
is Heart Mountain,

follow the path towards the sun.

Not with your thumbs.

The hand unclenches to

reveal what's in the palm.

ALEX: There! That's it!

That's the temple's location.

Less than a mile away.
We gotta...

No, no, no, no.
It's dark and you need to rest.

We'll leave first thing
in the morning.

HOOTEN: Alex, I'm seeing spots.

ALEX: Let's find somewhere safe to stop.

HOOTEN: No, let's keep going.


This is it, this is the place.

Do you see the temple?

Well, it should be here,
it has to be.

- Hooten, you're too near the edge.
- Whatev...

- Hooten!
- Aah!


- Hang on I'm coming.
- Alex.

I'm blind.

How can a blind man see anything?

You'd think Kapila would have
thought about that logic.

The world's happiest country,

it's the world's Stupidest.

You drink the poison,

go blind,

then find the scroll.

I'm nearly there.


ALEX: Swing your left arm behind me.


Good, good, good.


ALEX: My God, you've found it!

It's the temple.
This is incredible.

This probably hasn't been seen
by human eyes for centuries.

HOOTEN: That's right, rub it in Alex.

ALEX: Oh, sorry, fairy steps Hooten.
We're going to make it.

ALEX: You're going to make it.

ALEX: That's the last step.

You stay there with Hildago,

I go into the temple and see
if I can find the scroll.


Hooten, we have a problem.

I bet you've been dying to say that.

The door has no handle,
there's no way in.

All right, check the surroundings,

tell me what else is here. Hurry.

Nothing much,
some Buddhist statues,

a couple of...


All right, look for...
look for a monkey.

You mean a Grey langur?

Well... what is a Grey langur?

It's an Old World species

of pale-armed Himalayan primate.

A Monkey?

A langur.

Just... just line me up
with the monkey.


This is what
you drive people to do.



That was centuries old.

ALEX: How the hell
did you know to do that?

HOOTEN: You don't even know the old
headbutt-the-temple-monkey trick.

You call yourself an expert.

HOOTEN: If this place is so secret,

there's bound to be booby traps.

What can you see?

ALEX: There's a court hall,
and overgrown water garden.


ALEX: You all right?

ALEX: Okay, sit down.

This way.

Okay, turn around.


ALEX: Sit.


ALEX: It looks like A.J.
found the scroll.

ALEX: Why didn't he leave?


HOOTEN: What's this?

ALEX: Very clever.

that doesn't sound good.

Hey! Where you going
with that chest?


The doors are closed.

HOOTEN: I told you. Booby traps.


This is an I.O.U.

That's what he was doing here.

To make sure that you paid him.

Did you promise him the scroll?

Well, it wasn't a pinky promise.

I knew you were up to something.

God, why do I ever,
ever listen to you?

How are we supposed
to get out now?

We can't.

We have to hit the monkey symbol
from the other side.

Oh! Oh, the one you broke.

There must be another way out.

If there is, I'm not seeing it.

Then again, I'm not seeing anything.

ALEX: We're trapped.
Just like A.J.

ELLA: Penny's figured it out.

It's Aconitum.

It's Aconitum Napellus.



So... Attacks
the gastric system, then the heart,

so she needs atropine.

- ELLA: Hello.
- Alex, yeah.

It's Clive.

The poison is Aconitum Napellus.

Uh... Wait. I can't hear you.
Say that again.



- (SIGHS) He's gone.

- Door must be the killing signal.


Don't you dare die. You're not
leaving me in here on my own.

Ben. Ben.


Ben? Who's Ben?

I couldn't get there. I'm so sorry.


My God, you're on fire.
I've got to cool you down.

This is for your own good.


Hooten, don't you dare die.


Think. Think,
Alex, think, think, think.





I'm a poison.

You stup... Monks.
That's what Clive was saying.

Atropine. Atropine. Atropine.
Atropine. Atropine. Atropine.


This is called Belladonna.

But it's got atropine in it,

which is another poison.

Which, on the surface of it might

not seem like it's a very good idea.

The Shakti used to give
it to the monks.

Helped them to use it to treat
the symptoms of monkshood.

They sort of fight each other.



Wake up!

Come on, you selfish bastard!


What happened?

How long was I out?

For... for quite a long time,

and you were technically dead.

This is Nirvana.

I came back as me.


I just gave you something, an...

An old monks trick, but
I think you're going to be fine.

These monks and their tricks.

I... I can explain that.

I look forward to it.

Is that lipbalm?

Uh, no...
I can explain that as well.


The scroll.

As far as I can tell,

not that it will do us much good,
we can't get out.

And before you ask, yes,
I did find a Lan... a monkey.

I hit it, and nothing happened.


One there.

One there.

That's it?

That's it.

What's that thing say anyway?


"Love and eternity are as nothing
if we are alone.

"Together, we shall live through death.

"But each of us in our own lives,

"can reach Nirvana

by only first showing love."



I knew it.

It's not over till the fat guy sings.

Are you still delirious?

Just stand over there.

[FIRST LADY: "Supernatural"]

Would you mind very much,
telling me what it is we're doing.

Buddha-bing, baby.

That means you have
to share the love.

It takes two hearts.

You should remember that
before you marry Farquard.

- (LAUGHING): Edward.
- A.J. was alone.

He couldn't escape
because the scroll say

we all need to share
our lives with someone.

That's the Buddha's message.

- You can only find eternity...
- If you're together.

It takes two.

The langurs. They need to be
thumped at the same time.


On three. Ready?

One... Two...


HOOTEN: So, would now be
a good time to ask

what you did to me
while I was passed out?

ALEX: I didn't do anything.

HOOTEN: I don't blame you, you know.
You saw an opportunity and you took it.

- HOOTEN: So you...
- So I what?

- HOOTEN: Helped yourself.
- Ah, don't be ridiculous.

Well, you kissed me.

I gave you mouth to mouth!

Which exactly describes kissing.

ALEX: You know, you could be a little
more grateful. I saved your life!

Look, I know
I didn't unbutton my pants.

It sure as hell wasn't A.J.

I've tried to keep you cool.

Let me tell you something.
That wouldn't keep any man cool.

I'm not having this conversation.

If I find out I'm pregnant...

ALEX: Oh, Hidalgo.

Karma, baby.

May I ask you something?

HOOTEN: Can I stop you?

ALEX: Who's Ben?

Where did you hear that name?

Your fever,
you... called out his name.

He was my son.

What do you mean, "was"?

I lost him.

My Go... I'm so sorry.

You... how...
What happened to his mother?

I lost her, too.

PENNY: You made it!

ALEX: We found the temple.
It's wonderful.

- How is Kapila?
- Come, Kapila's awake!

Easy! I've just been cured.

Thanks to my little
button buddy here.

I used Belladonna.

Quite brilliant!

And the... scroll?

Please! Tell me that you found it!

Oh, wonderful.


Kapila hasn't got long.

Wait! Are we missing someone?

Your large friend.

- Um...
- Well...

You know how it is with friends.
Sometimes they come, and...

sometimes they go.


What do you want to do?

'Bout what?

Are you still angry with her?

She was doing
what she thought was right.

I suspect you're a man that could use
all the good karma that he can get.

You came back.

You made sure of that, remember?

This was in A.J.'s hand.

He died holding on to it.

What does he say?

That you'll be together.

They'll be waiting for you.



ALEX: Ella says you're amazing.

Oh, that's ***

Can't thank you enough.

Oh, nor you. Mm.

Once Kapila's burried,

I'll place the scroll
in our museum.

It'll cause quite a stir.

As it will when you loan it to us.

Well, sounds like
we got a deal!

PENNY: Actually, I envy you
your journey back.


Our Mr Hooten is a bit of a dish.

Is he?

I can't say I see it myself... but
if you like to have his number?

- Well, uh...
- Alright. Let's haul ass

your ladyshipness.
I'm gonna drive

so I don't have to listen
to that racket you love.

Otherwise known as Beethoven.

- Penny, a pleasure to meet you.
- Likewise.

- And if you're ever in Bhutan again.
- I'll make sure I don't drink the tea.

May I?


That's not so hard.

Rather than wait
for people to fall asleep,

so you can just help yourself.

ALEX: Help myself?

Oh, so annoying...

HOOTEN: You didn't say that when
you had your tongue down my throat.

ALEX: I did not have my to...
I was giving you

mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

- HOOTEN: Ripping my clothes?
- Loosening your clothes.

there was the other thing.

ALEX: Don't, Hooten.

ALEX: You've got one guess.

Ah... well, you stole my ***.

- ALEX: Hello.

Are you still grumpy?

I wasn't grumpy.

You were livid!

ED: You haven't seen my livid.

How did you get home?
Did you find what you were looking for?

Which is why we are...




Come on.

ALEX: Do you know
you've got me for eternity?

ED: Oh, hell, now I am livid.

ALFONSO: It's always a pleasure
for me and the boys

to welcome you back at the hacienda.

ALFONSO: But there is one question
I've been meaning to ask you.

Are you sure you don't know

what happened to Hidalgo?

I have no idea, but like he said
in the message,

I paid in full.

So if I were you,

I'd be a little more careful
who I had on the payroll.

Present company excluded, of course.

Fifty thousand.

See your fifty,

and I'll raise you...

another fifty.

You know I'm good for it.


It's Ella, she's in trouble.


I'm in Ethiopia. You bring the spoon,
and then they'll let me go.

She's being held ransom for a spoon?

Who are these people?

ALEX: Some unyielding psychopaths.

ALEX: He told me to come alone.

But you didn't actually... come alone?

My mother always says that if the day
starts badly then it can only get better.

She doesn't look very happy.

Kill them.

[EZRA FURMAN: "Restless Year"]
(Doo-Wop Refrain)

♪ I set up camp
in the center of town ♪

♪ Ready for freedom
when it all comes down ♪

♪ Snapping my fingers,
walking around ♪

♪ I'm a dusty jewel
in the thrown-out crown ♪

♪ Got a bus pass to make my way ♪

♪ From hideout to hideout
in the heat of the day ♪

♪ I got a talisman tote
with the whole array ♪

♪ And when you catch
my coat-tails I'll be miles away ♪