Hoops (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Matty Gets a Girlfriend - full transcript
[gulps]
[mysterious music]
[snoring]
[rock chord plays]
Let's do some texting, you jelly dick.
[rock music plays]
[slurping]
Ben, I can't believe you asked me out!
I mean, I haven't talked to you
since high school.
-You seem so different.
-I do?
It's kind of cool, actually.
You're, like, more mature.
[chuckling] Oh! More mature!
OK, Alison. I see what's going on here.
I didn't ask you out.
No, I...
I know it's you
'cause I... I got the text right here.
"Alison, you up?
You, me, steaks tomorrow. Bring Magnums."
[laughs] "Bring Magnums."
That wasn't me, Alison. I didn't write it.
Pill Ben did.
Who's Pill Ben?
Look, when I take sleeping pills,
I black out and become super confident.
Thus, the Magnums which, believe me,
my dick would be swimming in.
But now that the ice is broken,
a little bit about real Ben.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
You see, I have no sex drive these days.
I crash at my friend's place.
And do you remember
that guy Ron from high school?
Yeah!
He never tried to bone me. Is he gay?
Is Ron gay? Quite the opposite.
He's currently fucking my wife.
[laughs] But I'm cool with it.
He's a great guy with a great dick.
Alison! Where are you going?
I'm out of here, Ben!
Those texts made me think you'd changed,
but you're the same loser
you were back in high school.
Why don't you tell Pill Ben
to give me a call sometime?
You see, old people?
This is why I don't wanna get divorced.
But good for you two, knowing you were
the best each other could get.
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
♪ Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]
-♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
[girl] Mwah!
[girl giggles]
What in the fuck was that?
That's Wendy, Matty's girlfriend.
Since when does Matty have a girlfriend?
Since when does Matty
interrupt my practice
to be with his fucking girlfriend?
Goddamn it, guys!
What's our number one rule?
Don't chub it up in the shower.
Don't stare at Scott's mom.
If it's brown, flush it down, man.
No, fuckheads!
I'm talking about
the number one rule in all of sports.
-Have fun!
-Run ten laps, Marcus.
Guys, the rule is:
no girlfriends!
Because women weaken legs.
Name the fucking film.
-[all] Little Man Tate!
-Little Man Fucking Tate.
Normally, yes, but this time it's Rocky.
Great film about a Philadelphia boxer
with an incredible New York accent
who may or may not be mentally challenged.
The point is, no girlfriends.
[talking at once]
Come on, Coach! I don't wanna die alone!
Honestly, I don't have to tell you
not to have girlfriends.
I could just say, "Keep being yourselves."
Your terrible, unlovable selves.
Oh, Coach.
I think you have it wrong.
Rocky won because he had
the love of a woman named Yo-Adrian.
Ron, Rocky famously lost.
Look, Adrian is also mentally challenged.
I... I think.
It's a movie
about two slow adults falling in love,
and also, it's about boxing.
[laughing] Oh, right! In the first one.
Look, I never saw that one.
I don't like sad endings.
So what are you talking about?
Jesus Christ!
Another sad ending.
All right, run ten laps!
-But I'm the assistant coach.
-Run!
Actually, all of you run.
[all panting]
And don't get girlfriends!
[horse snorts]
-[Shannon grunts]
-[horse snorts]
-Argh!
-[cell phone chimes]
-[horses whinny]
-[dials number]
-[line ringing]
-Go for Opal.
I got your text. What's the emergency?
It's over between me and Mike.
Girl, he said there's no chemistry.
Oh, will you just fuck already?
That's what I said.
Oh, sorry. Not you.
I got this thoroughbred mare
all excited and ready to go,
and the stud won't even touch her.
Too soon!
Opal, don't you dare
feel sorry for yourself.
Why don't you come over?
We'll do what we always do
when this happens.
Watch The Notebook and fast-forward
through all the sad Alzheimer's shit.
Oh, girl, I was hoping you would say that.
I really gotta figure out my love life.
[grunts] Stick it in there!
It's not gonna fuck itself.
I know you're talking about the horse,
but that is not a bad idea.
Bye, girl.
-[cell phone ringing]
-What?
Shannon, how do you get a high school girl
to break up with you?
Just grab her hindquarters and mount her!
Whoa! That would definitely work,
but I don't think that's a good idea.
I need this girl Wendy
to break up with Matty
so he can focus on basketball.
I don't have time for this!
You want advice? Stay out of it.
You useless stud!
Stud?
You still got it, Hopkins.
[doorbell chimes]
Coach Hopkins?
What are you doing here?
Why are you at my house?
Ma'am, I'm here to talk to your daughter
about her love life.
Can I have a minute alone with her?
Absolutely not!
You know what?
That's fair and appropriate.
You're killing this mom thing,
which is why you should know
that your daughter,
well, she's dating a monster.
-Matty?
-Yup.
Matty the monster.
That's what we call him.
You should strongly consider
putting an end to that relationship.
But he came over for spaghetti.
He seems like such a nice kid.
Look, he may seem nice,
but he's a dog-shit person.
He has no respect for Wendy or women.
He described Bill Cosby
as "boyfriend goals."
I once watched him
punch an old woman's teeth out.
OK, I've heard enough.
I'll handle this situation.
Consider their relationship over.
Ah, you're a good mom. You know that?
A good mom.
[sniffs] Don't tell me those are tacos?
But it's not even Tuesday!
Wendy's mom, you're a fuckin' maniac.
Nailed it.
[funk music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[cheering and whooping]
Matty's on fire.
I think he's got over 20 points already.
No shit, Ron. That's because
I took care of Wendy last night.
You murdered Wendy?
No, I didn't murder Wendy, you dope.
What I'm saying is, I poisoned the well.
Now her whole family's gonna die?
Not to mention anyone
who drinks out of that well.
I mean, that's even worse, Coach.
I didn't kill anyone.
I just ended his relationship
because women weaken legs.
-Now, if I were to kill a family--
-I'm not interested.
The first thing I would do is
go to nursing school and get a degree.
Then I become their family nurse
and slowly poison them
by micro-dosing their food
while simultaneously providing
insufficient medical care. [chuckles]
So by the time they finally died,
it will be innocuous, untraceable,
and very lucrative for me personally.
Shannon and I,
we listen to a lot of murder podcasts.
I feel like you're judging me.
-I am.
-Oh, so I was right to feel that way.
-A hundred percent.
-[buzzer]
Matty, you're crushing it!
What can I say? I guess I'm in the zone.
[laughs] I love the fucking zone!
Hey, you little rats.
Stay out of his way.
He's in the... Say it again, Matty.
Uh, zone?
Fuck, yes! He's in the fucking zone!
-[door slams]
-I fucking did it!
Don't ask me how, but I did it.
This is some of my best coaching ever.
Matty's in the motherfuckin' zone
'cause of me,
and we're gonna keep feedin' him the ball
in that motherfuckin' zone,
and then we're gonna fuckin' win
'cause of me.
Where the hell is he?
He was talking to Wendy in the hall.
They were crying and kissing.
Oh, crying and kithing?
Goddamn it, DJ!
I don't like hearing bad news with a lisp.
There's a reason doctors and cops
don't have lisps, buddy.
[lisping] Thorry, thir. Based
on the evidence, it was a murder-suicide.
Well, sir, if the evidence says
it was a murder-suicide--
Enough, DJ!
Fat or lisp? Choose one!
[girl sobbing]
I can't believe
you punched an old lady's teeth out!
[sobbing]
Matty, what's up?
Something happen in the zone?
Feels like there's been a zoning change.
Yeah, there's been a zoning change.
I'm in the friend zone.
-She goddamn broke up with me.
-Again?
What? No!
What do you mean? Just now.
What do you mean "just now"?
Like, before the game when she dumped you
and then put you in the zone, right?
No. Like, right now, Coach.
What the hell? What does it even matter?
No. She broke up with you
before the first half, right?
[Matty groans]
[sobs]
Uh, good... good idea, Matty.
This is great.
You're resting up for a huge second half.
[wailing]
[crying]
[continues wailing]
Cheer up, Matty.
Life only gets worse from here.
[audience groans]
[audience] Ooh!
You know what's crazy?
Matty played better with a girlfriend,
and he's worse without one.
You got a real firm grasp
of this story, buddy.
Oh, shit. He's laying down again
in the middle of the fucking court.
Matty, come on. Get up!
Come on, Matty.
Get up!
Matty!
[both chant] Matty! Matty!
It's not like she ever really loved you
in the first place.
Get up! But only if you want to!
[Matty groaning]
[Matty crying]
Oh, shit!
Now his heart is most likely enlarged
and broken.
[Ben] I have a big announcement.
I've given this a lot of thought,
and it turns out women strengthen legs.
Which brings me to a new team rule:
everybody needs a girlfriend.
It's mandatory.
-Really?
-About time.
-Yes! Oh, my God. I'm free at last!
-A girlfriend?
I'm still learning to love myself.
Yeah, it's great news for everybody.
So let's get girlfriends, fast.
As in, like, before tomorrow's game.
Right, Matty?
[wailing]
[Ben] You've already done the moaning.
Get to it!
Fuck love.
I'm never having a girlfriend again.
OK, shit. Coach is gonna
handle it for you, Matty. No problem.
Coach, don't worry.
We're gonna get those girl--
Don't care, DJ.
Ron, help me grab the giraffe
and drag him outta here. I got a plan.
-[locker doors banging]
-[Matty] Ow! Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Wow, ow!
Ow! This pain actually feels good.
Oh, shit. We're really losing him.
This new girlfriend thing
is super awesome.
The only reason
I haven't lost my virginity
-was that dumb fucking rule.
-And your tail.
Hey, we gotta love how we're born
like Lady Gaga says
in that horrible song you sing.
We're gonna get so laid!
Guys, this isn't about getting laid.
It's about getting girlfriends.
That means dates, walks in the park...
Where are we supposed
to find girlfriends... in one day?
[girl] Wow! I can't believe
you guys have your own bus!
Dick me up, boys.
Sorry, but you wouldn't believe the girl
who just agreed to get on this Bang Bus.
-[all] That's it!
-That's how we do it!
No, no, no. No way! It's not a bus.
That's my aunt's flower van
for her business.
Flowers in a Bang Bus?
Can you imagine anything more romantic?
I really thought for a second
Mike was the one,
until he climbed out the bathroom window
and left me with the check.
Why do they even have
bathroom windows at Subway?
Opal, he's a loser.
The last thing you wanna have
is a loser in your life.
Trust me. I know.
You know what a loser gets you?
-[doorbell rings]
-[Ben] Shannon, emergency!
S-O-S!
You know what a loser gets ya?
-[doorbell ringing]
-[Ben] Ding fucking dong!
Emergency! Open your door!
It's your husband and your boyfriend.
It gets you this...
Oh, thank God!
Matty has been stabbed.
-[Shannon gasps] My God!
-What happened?
I'll get the horse gauze.
Where'd he get stabbed?
-In the heart...
-[both gasp]
...by Cupid's arrow.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Ben!
You scared the shit out of me, Ben!
Do you know how much paperwork
I have to do when a kid dies?
Also, it's very sad.
Oh, fuck!
I need to help this kid
get his girlfriend back.
Shannon, I gotta show him the tape.
-Hell no.
-Oh, funny.
That's exactly what you said
in October 2002 when I asked you out.
And what happened after that, Shannon?
Fifteen years of my life I can't get back.
And it all started
with the greatest romantic piece of cinema
in the history of man fucking kind.
Gone Girl?
-Bird Box?
-No!
-Shannon...
-I'm not doing this.
OK, then just tell me this:
did... the tape... work?
I'm... with... Ron.
Answer... the... question, Shan.
Why... are... we... talking...
like... this?
If I play the tape,
will you leave right after?
Yes. You play it, we'll leave.
That's a deal. I promise.
Matty, relax.
It's great fucking filmmaking.
After you view this tape, kiddo,
you'll have to peel Wendy off of ya
and throw her in the fucking dryer.
Hm, Ben, you nasty!
Marcus, "Boyfriend Bus"
is the dumbest name ever.
How about "Vag Van" or "Sex Shuttle"?
"Titty Tram" or, like,
"Fuck Trolley" or like, uh...
There's no art in any of those names.
Any guy can have sex,
but we're the fellas
that are gonna be there in the morning.
Shut up! There's some girls from school.
Pull up alongside them.
Hey, there.
You chicks ever hear of the Bang Bus?
Well, this is the Boyfriend Bus,
but don't worry,
we can totally still bang if you want.
Really cool, Isaac.
To Catch a Predator much?
[laughs]
OK, that line really should have worked.
They could smell the desperation
on you guys.
We need different girls.
Well, my sister was in juvie
in Winchester.
Those girls were cool as hell,
and they loved fucking.
Half of them were pregnant.
I'd love to date a pregnant one.
I've always seen myself as a stepdad.
[Shannon] One viewing, then you leave.
Just roll the fucking thing.
[Matty moaning]
OK. Don't you worry, buddy.
This tape is like a master class
for getting bush.
What is bush?
Bush. You don't know what a bush is?
[laughs] Jesus Christ!
Millennials!
That's a generational thing.
Opal, will you explain to this kid
what a bush is?
[scoffs]
Are you out of your damn mind, Ben?
I am not explaining to a child
that we used to grow our pubic hair so big
that our jeans couldn't contain it.
I'm a principal.
♪ Gu-gu-gu-gu
Gu-gu-gu-gu-gooo ♪
♪ You said goodbye ♪
♪ I don’t know why ♪
♪ Oh, my Shan ♪
♪ I wanna die ♪
♪ You said we’re through ♪
♪ It can’t be true ♪
♪ Oh, my Shan ♪
♪ I’m so, so blue ♪
[birds caw]
Wow! It's as great as I remember.
Ben, it wasn't even really you
who sang the song.
You were on fucking sleeping pills
when you made it.
Oh, Ben!
Don't take this the wrong way,
but why can't you be on pills at work?
Sometimes I am, Opal.
Sometimes I am.
[rock music playing in van]
Oh, man!
Those girls look like
they make bad decisions. Let's ask them.
-[brakes screech]
-[music stops]
Hey, lady-dudes. Check out our van.
It's like a sex cave on wheels.
Wanna get in
and play "sexy first cousins" with us?
What are you guys doing?
Cruising for boys to be boyfriends?
[laughing]
Why? Have you seen any?
Can we drink in there?
Well, technically, no,
because we don't have our limo license.
Fun fact: limos are the only cars
that you're allowed to drink in,
except for the chauffeur--
Yes! Of course booze is welcome
on the Boyfriend Bus.
♪ You keep saying no ♪
♪ But I can’t go ♪
♪ Oh, my Shan ♪
♪ I love you so ♪
♪ You say we’re done ♪
♪ We’ve had our run ♪
♪ Shan, if you leave ♪
♪ I’ll eat this gun ♪
[laughing]
Officer, I told you
I'm not hiding anything up there.
[Shannon] I don't believe you.
Now spread 'em.
-[all gasp]
-[moaning on TV]
Get out! Get out! Everybody out!
I can't believe
I let you talk me into this!
Talk you into it? I had no choice.
I was a prisoner.
We had a deal.
I showed you the tape, now get out!
Shouldn't you be sending me
out the back door?
-[Ben] Hey, yo!
-[door opens]
-[Shannon grunts]
-[door slams]
She tried that with me as well,
but I demanded to see a search warrant.
-So nobody knows you took this van?
-Nope.
-Totally free.
-Not a soul.
My mom tracks my phone.
Wow! You guys are badasses.
And we all know what badasses want.
Yes. Girlfriends.
Adorable!
But let me ask this:
do you guys want girlfriends,
or do you wanna take your clothes off
and get this party started?
[all grunting]
Yeah! Fuckin' A.
The former, please.
All right. First of all, Matty,
I'm sorry you saw
the second half of that tape.
If you're feeling weird
about the sexiness of my butt, don't.
That's not why I feel weird, Coach.
Sure, keep telling yourself that.
I don't care.
You just need to stay focused now
'cause now you know
what you need to do to get Wendy back.
You need to be romantic as fuck,
like I was in the first half of that tape.
Coach, I can't do that.
I don't have any moves to win her back.
I can't sing or anything.
Look, Matty, I'm no ladies' man either.
That wasn't me singing. It was Pill Ben.
He's got the confidence
of a man with Lenny Kravitz's dick.
Lenny Kravitz? Sounds like an accountant,
but I'll take your word for it.
Do you think Pill Ben could help me?
Um, I don't know, Matty.
He has a mind of his own,
but, you know, it's worth a shot.
How about this?
Give me your phone for the night.
OK.
But, hey, if you get a call from my dad,
please let me know.
Sure. Of course. Does he call a lot?
No, it'd be the first time.
OK, Pill Ben,
I really need you to text your ass off.
Win Wendy back for Matty
so I can have my superstar ready
for the game tomorrow.
And this should go without saying,
but no dick pics.
[gulps]
[light music playing]
[snoring]
Oh, fuck! Pill Ben let me down.
The only fucking time I needed him,
and he didn't do shit.
[gasps] Thank God you're up!
Your phone has been ringing all morning.
Why didn't you wake me up?
Because it sounded
like you were having a wet dream.
No judgment, but it's time to get up.
Matty's in jail.
Matty's in jail?
[Ben] Noooooo!
[Ben coughing]
[Ben] Ohhhhh!
Officer, what happened with Matty?
The kid flipped out over some girl,
lost it,
went to her house at 2:00 a.m. last night
and destroyed the place.
2:00 a.m.?
[grunts]
We got work to do, lady arms,
but we ain't texting.
Eat some of these flowers, you bitch.
They'll give you strength.
You're gonna need it tonight.
Flowers are fucking vegetables.
Vegetables are energy.
No keys.
No keys. Can't get in.
Use God's keys, you half-man.
[rock music playing]
♪ What's-her-face and Matty
Sittin' in a tree ♪
♪ P-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪
Ah, fuck, Matty. I'm sorry.
But the truth is, this isn't my fault.
Pill Ben fucked us.
Well, it could be worse.
At least I have my pants.
Jesus Christ!
You guys gotta work out more.
Coach, we have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that
we sort of borrowed a van from my aunt
and then the van was stolen from us.
But the good news is,
it was stolen by our girlfriends!
Don't care.
Matty, what's going on with Wendy,
the only girlfriend
I actually do care about?
I don't know, Coach,
but I don't think you pissing on her floor
really helped anything.
I told you it wasn't me. It was Pill Ben.
Oh, yeah. Well, I bet if we tested
the piss, it'd match yours exactly.
-[sinister music playing]
-You guys got no idea what you're in for.
Prison's gonna chew you up
and spit you out, starting right now.
And I'm gonna take the first bite.
[door opens]
Charges dropped. You're all free to go.
[all] Yes! Yeah! Whoo!
-[Timebomb] Fuckin' jailbreak!
-[Isaac] Yeah, baby!
Whoa! That woman is not attractive.
She looks like if DJ was a man.
Again, I am so sorry, Aunt Jenny.
You boys are very lucky they found the van
and that Marcus was still in it.
I can't believe you, of all people,
got some action.
It's not as good as it looks.
All I got was physical affection,
no real connection.
I did lose my flower.
Oh, no, it's in my pocket.
Wendy, I wanna come totally clean
and say that some of this was my fault,
so I'll take care
of all the damages under $150.
Above that, you're on your own.
Look, it wasn't easy
convincing my mom to drop the charges,
but Matty told me you inspired his video.
♪ You said we’re through ♪
♪ You said that’s it ♪
♪ Coach told you ♪
♪ That I’m dog shit ♪
♪ It’s the end of the road ♪
♪ We’re heading south ♪
♪ But I never punched ♪
♪ That old bag’s mouth ♪
Fucking ladies' man!
I knew you had it in you, Matty.
And no pills.
Now, lady who looks like DJ,
can we get a ride to the game
in the Boyfriend Bus?
Sure, but I don't look like DJ.
DJ looks like me, motherfucker!
Yeah, we got the same fat ass,
but ladies actually want me.
Whoa! Now, that's a feisty meatball.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Not so fast.
No girlfriends on the team bus,
and I mean it!
Look at Matty. He's about to have
a fucking heart attack. [laughs]
I'm kidding. Do whatever you want.
Eat spaghetti dinner.
Kiss in the gym. Eat each other's butts.
I don't care,
as long as Matty stays in the zone.
[engine starts, tires screech]
[boys] Yeah! Whoo!
What a happy ending.
I don't know about anyone else,
but I didn't learn a goddamn thing.
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
♪ I hope it's soon ♪
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪
[mysterious music]
[snoring]
[rock chord plays]
Let's do some texting, you jelly dick.
[rock music plays]
[slurping]
Ben, I can't believe you asked me out!
I mean, I haven't talked to you
since high school.
-You seem so different.
-I do?
It's kind of cool, actually.
You're, like, more mature.
[chuckling] Oh! More mature!
OK, Alison. I see what's going on here.
I didn't ask you out.
No, I...
I know it's you
'cause I... I got the text right here.
"Alison, you up?
You, me, steaks tomorrow. Bring Magnums."
[laughs] "Bring Magnums."
That wasn't me, Alison. I didn't write it.
Pill Ben did.
Who's Pill Ben?
Look, when I take sleeping pills,
I black out and become super confident.
Thus, the Magnums which, believe me,
my dick would be swimming in.
But now that the ice is broken,
a little bit about real Ben.
You know, it's getting kind of late.
You see, I have no sex drive these days.
I crash at my friend's place.
And do you remember
that guy Ron from high school?
Yeah!
He never tried to bone me. Is he gay?
Is Ron gay? Quite the opposite.
He's currently fucking my wife.
[laughs] But I'm cool with it.
He's a great guy with a great dick.
Alison! Where are you going?
I'm out of here, Ben!
Those texts made me think you'd changed,
but you're the same loser
you were back in high school.
Why don't you tell Pill Ben
to give me a call sometime?
You see, old people?
This is why I don't wanna get divorced.
But good for you two, knowing you were
the best each other could get.
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ 'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
♪ Hoops! ♪
-[whistle blows]
-♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
[girl] Mwah!
[girl giggles]
What in the fuck was that?
That's Wendy, Matty's girlfriend.
Since when does Matty have a girlfriend?
Since when does Matty
interrupt my practice
to be with his fucking girlfriend?
Goddamn it, guys!
What's our number one rule?
Don't chub it up in the shower.
Don't stare at Scott's mom.
If it's brown, flush it down, man.
No, fuckheads!
I'm talking about
the number one rule in all of sports.
-Have fun!
-Run ten laps, Marcus.
Guys, the rule is:
no girlfriends!
Because women weaken legs.
Name the fucking film.
-[all] Little Man Tate!
-Little Man Fucking Tate.
Normally, yes, but this time it's Rocky.
Great film about a Philadelphia boxer
with an incredible New York accent
who may or may not be mentally challenged.
The point is, no girlfriends.
[talking at once]
Come on, Coach! I don't wanna die alone!
Honestly, I don't have to tell you
not to have girlfriends.
I could just say, "Keep being yourselves."
Your terrible, unlovable selves.
Oh, Coach.
I think you have it wrong.
Rocky won because he had
the love of a woman named Yo-Adrian.
Ron, Rocky famously lost.
Look, Adrian is also mentally challenged.
I... I think.
It's a movie
about two slow adults falling in love,
and also, it's about boxing.
[laughing] Oh, right! In the first one.
Look, I never saw that one.
I don't like sad endings.
So what are you talking about?
Jesus Christ!
Another sad ending.
All right, run ten laps!
-But I'm the assistant coach.
-Run!
Actually, all of you run.
[all panting]
And don't get girlfriends!
[horse snorts]
-[Shannon grunts]
-[horse snorts]
-Argh!
-[cell phone chimes]
-[horses whinny]
-[dials number]
-[line ringing]
-Go for Opal.
I got your text. What's the emergency?
It's over between me and Mike.
Girl, he said there's no chemistry.
Oh, will you just fuck already?
That's what I said.
Oh, sorry. Not you.
I got this thoroughbred mare
all excited and ready to go,
and the stud won't even touch her.
Too soon!
Opal, don't you dare
feel sorry for yourself.
Why don't you come over?
We'll do what we always do
when this happens.
Watch The Notebook and fast-forward
through all the sad Alzheimer's shit.
Oh, girl, I was hoping you would say that.
I really gotta figure out my love life.
[grunts] Stick it in there!
It's not gonna fuck itself.
I know you're talking about the horse,
but that is not a bad idea.
Bye, girl.
-[cell phone ringing]
-What?
Shannon, how do you get a high school girl
to break up with you?
Just grab her hindquarters and mount her!
Whoa! That would definitely work,
but I don't think that's a good idea.
I need this girl Wendy
to break up with Matty
so he can focus on basketball.
I don't have time for this!
You want advice? Stay out of it.
You useless stud!
Stud?
You still got it, Hopkins.
[doorbell chimes]
Coach Hopkins?
What are you doing here?
Why are you at my house?
Ma'am, I'm here to talk to your daughter
about her love life.
Can I have a minute alone with her?
Absolutely not!
You know what?
That's fair and appropriate.
You're killing this mom thing,
which is why you should know
that your daughter,
well, she's dating a monster.
-Matty?
-Yup.
Matty the monster.
That's what we call him.
You should strongly consider
putting an end to that relationship.
But he came over for spaghetti.
He seems like such a nice kid.
Look, he may seem nice,
but he's a dog-shit person.
He has no respect for Wendy or women.
He described Bill Cosby
as "boyfriend goals."
I once watched him
punch an old woman's teeth out.
OK, I've heard enough.
I'll handle this situation.
Consider their relationship over.
Ah, you're a good mom. You know that?
A good mom.
[sniffs] Don't tell me those are tacos?
But it's not even Tuesday!
Wendy's mom, you're a fuckin' maniac.
Nailed it.
[funk music playing]
[crowd cheering]
[cheering and whooping]
Matty's on fire.
I think he's got over 20 points already.
No shit, Ron. That's because
I took care of Wendy last night.
You murdered Wendy?
No, I didn't murder Wendy, you dope.
What I'm saying is, I poisoned the well.
Now her whole family's gonna die?
Not to mention anyone
who drinks out of that well.
I mean, that's even worse, Coach.
I didn't kill anyone.
I just ended his relationship
because women weaken legs.
-Now, if I were to kill a family--
-I'm not interested.
The first thing I would do is
go to nursing school and get a degree.
Then I become their family nurse
and slowly poison them
by micro-dosing their food
while simultaneously providing
insufficient medical care. [chuckles]
So by the time they finally died,
it will be innocuous, untraceable,
and very lucrative for me personally.
Shannon and I,
we listen to a lot of murder podcasts.
I feel like you're judging me.
-I am.
-Oh, so I was right to feel that way.
-A hundred percent.
-[buzzer]
Matty, you're crushing it!
What can I say? I guess I'm in the zone.
[laughs] I love the fucking zone!
Hey, you little rats.
Stay out of his way.
He's in the... Say it again, Matty.
Uh, zone?
Fuck, yes! He's in the fucking zone!
-[door slams]
-I fucking did it!
Don't ask me how, but I did it.
This is some of my best coaching ever.
Matty's in the motherfuckin' zone
'cause of me,
and we're gonna keep feedin' him the ball
in that motherfuckin' zone,
and then we're gonna fuckin' win
'cause of me.
Where the hell is he?
He was talking to Wendy in the hall.
They were crying and kissing.
Oh, crying and kithing?
Goddamn it, DJ!
I don't like hearing bad news with a lisp.
There's a reason doctors and cops
don't have lisps, buddy.
[lisping] Thorry, thir. Based
on the evidence, it was a murder-suicide.
Well, sir, if the evidence says
it was a murder-suicide--
Enough, DJ!
Fat or lisp? Choose one!
[girl sobbing]
I can't believe
you punched an old lady's teeth out!
[sobbing]
Matty, what's up?
Something happen in the zone?
Feels like there's been a zoning change.
Yeah, there's been a zoning change.
I'm in the friend zone.
-She goddamn broke up with me.
-Again?
What? No!
What do you mean? Just now.
What do you mean "just now"?
Like, before the game when she dumped you
and then put you in the zone, right?
No. Like, right now, Coach.
What the hell? What does it even matter?
No. She broke up with you
before the first half, right?
[Matty groans]
[sobs]
Uh, good... good idea, Matty.
This is great.
You're resting up for a huge second half.
[wailing]
[crying]
[continues wailing]
Cheer up, Matty.
Life only gets worse from here.
[audience groans]
[audience] Ooh!
You know what's crazy?
Matty played better with a girlfriend,
and he's worse without one.
You got a real firm grasp
of this story, buddy.
Oh, shit. He's laying down again
in the middle of the fucking court.
Matty, come on. Get up!
Come on, Matty.
Get up!
Matty!
[both chant] Matty! Matty!
It's not like she ever really loved you
in the first place.
Get up! But only if you want to!
[Matty groaning]
[Matty crying]
Oh, shit!
Now his heart is most likely enlarged
and broken.
[Ben] I have a big announcement.
I've given this a lot of thought,
and it turns out women strengthen legs.
Which brings me to a new team rule:
everybody needs a girlfriend.
It's mandatory.
-Really?
-About time.
-Yes! Oh, my God. I'm free at last!
-A girlfriend?
I'm still learning to love myself.
Yeah, it's great news for everybody.
So let's get girlfriends, fast.
As in, like, before tomorrow's game.
Right, Matty?
[wailing]
[Ben] You've already done the moaning.
Get to it!
Fuck love.
I'm never having a girlfriend again.
OK, shit. Coach is gonna
handle it for you, Matty. No problem.
Coach, don't worry.
We're gonna get those girl--
Don't care, DJ.
Ron, help me grab the giraffe
and drag him outta here. I got a plan.
-[locker doors banging]
-[Matty] Ow! Ow!
Ow!
Ow!
Wow, ow!
Ow! This pain actually feels good.
Oh, shit. We're really losing him.
This new girlfriend thing
is super awesome.
The only reason
I haven't lost my virginity
-was that dumb fucking rule.
-And your tail.
Hey, we gotta love how we're born
like Lady Gaga says
in that horrible song you sing.
We're gonna get so laid!
Guys, this isn't about getting laid.
It's about getting girlfriends.
That means dates, walks in the park...
Where are we supposed
to find girlfriends... in one day?
[girl] Wow! I can't believe
you guys have your own bus!
Dick me up, boys.
Sorry, but you wouldn't believe the girl
who just agreed to get on this Bang Bus.
-[all] That's it!
-That's how we do it!
No, no, no. No way! It's not a bus.
That's my aunt's flower van
for her business.
Flowers in a Bang Bus?
Can you imagine anything more romantic?
I really thought for a second
Mike was the one,
until he climbed out the bathroom window
and left me with the check.
Why do they even have
bathroom windows at Subway?
Opal, he's a loser.
The last thing you wanna have
is a loser in your life.
Trust me. I know.
You know what a loser gets you?
-[doorbell rings]
-[Ben] Shannon, emergency!
S-O-S!
You know what a loser gets ya?
-[doorbell ringing]
-[Ben] Ding fucking dong!
Emergency! Open your door!
It's your husband and your boyfriend.
It gets you this...
Oh, thank God!
Matty has been stabbed.
-[Shannon gasps] My God!
-What happened?
I'll get the horse gauze.
Where'd he get stabbed?
-In the heart...
-[both gasp]
...by Cupid's arrow.
Oh, for fuck's sake, Ben!
You scared the shit out of me, Ben!
Do you know how much paperwork
I have to do when a kid dies?
Also, it's very sad.
Oh, fuck!
I need to help this kid
get his girlfriend back.
Shannon, I gotta show him the tape.
-Hell no.
-Oh, funny.
That's exactly what you said
in October 2002 when I asked you out.
And what happened after that, Shannon?
Fifteen years of my life I can't get back.
And it all started
with the greatest romantic piece of cinema
in the history of man fucking kind.
Gone Girl?
-Bird Box?
-No!
-Shannon...
-I'm not doing this.
OK, then just tell me this:
did... the tape... work?
I'm... with... Ron.
Answer... the... question, Shan.
Why... are... we... talking...
like... this?
If I play the tape,
will you leave right after?
Yes. You play it, we'll leave.
That's a deal. I promise.
Matty, relax.
It's great fucking filmmaking.
After you view this tape, kiddo,
you'll have to peel Wendy off of ya
and throw her in the fucking dryer.
Hm, Ben, you nasty!
Marcus, "Boyfriend Bus"
is the dumbest name ever.
How about "Vag Van" or "Sex Shuttle"?
"Titty Tram" or, like,
"Fuck Trolley" or like, uh...
There's no art in any of those names.
Any guy can have sex,
but we're the fellas
that are gonna be there in the morning.
Shut up! There's some girls from school.
Pull up alongside them.
Hey, there.
You chicks ever hear of the Bang Bus?
Well, this is the Boyfriend Bus,
but don't worry,
we can totally still bang if you want.
Really cool, Isaac.
To Catch a Predator much?
[laughs]
OK, that line really should have worked.
They could smell the desperation
on you guys.
We need different girls.
Well, my sister was in juvie
in Winchester.
Those girls were cool as hell,
and they loved fucking.
Half of them were pregnant.
I'd love to date a pregnant one.
I've always seen myself as a stepdad.
[Shannon] One viewing, then you leave.
Just roll the fucking thing.
[Matty moaning]
OK. Don't you worry, buddy.
This tape is like a master class
for getting bush.
What is bush?
Bush. You don't know what a bush is?
[laughs] Jesus Christ!
Millennials!
That's a generational thing.
Opal, will you explain to this kid
what a bush is?
[scoffs]
Are you out of your damn mind, Ben?
I am not explaining to a child
that we used to grow our pubic hair so big
that our jeans couldn't contain it.
I'm a principal.
♪ Gu-gu-gu-gu
Gu-gu-gu-gu-gooo ♪
♪ You said goodbye ♪
♪ I don’t know why ♪
♪ Oh, my Shan ♪
♪ I wanna die ♪
♪ You said we’re through ♪
♪ It can’t be true ♪
♪ Oh, my Shan ♪
♪ I’m so, so blue ♪
[birds caw]
Wow! It's as great as I remember.
Ben, it wasn't even really you
who sang the song.
You were on fucking sleeping pills
when you made it.
Oh, Ben!
Don't take this the wrong way,
but why can't you be on pills at work?
Sometimes I am, Opal.
Sometimes I am.
[rock music playing in van]
Oh, man!
Those girls look like
they make bad decisions. Let's ask them.
-[brakes screech]
-[music stops]
Hey, lady-dudes. Check out our van.
It's like a sex cave on wheels.
Wanna get in
and play "sexy first cousins" with us?
What are you guys doing?
Cruising for boys to be boyfriends?
[laughing]
Why? Have you seen any?
Can we drink in there?
Well, technically, no,
because we don't have our limo license.
Fun fact: limos are the only cars
that you're allowed to drink in,
except for the chauffeur--
Yes! Of course booze is welcome
on the Boyfriend Bus.
♪ You keep saying no ♪
♪ But I can’t go ♪
♪ Oh, my Shan ♪
♪ I love you so ♪
♪ You say we’re done ♪
♪ We’ve had our run ♪
♪ Shan, if you leave ♪
♪ I’ll eat this gun ♪
[laughing]
Officer, I told you
I'm not hiding anything up there.
[Shannon] I don't believe you.
Now spread 'em.
-[all gasp]
-[moaning on TV]
Get out! Get out! Everybody out!
I can't believe
I let you talk me into this!
Talk you into it? I had no choice.
I was a prisoner.
We had a deal.
I showed you the tape, now get out!
Shouldn't you be sending me
out the back door?
-[Ben] Hey, yo!
-[door opens]
-[Shannon grunts]
-[door slams]
She tried that with me as well,
but I demanded to see a search warrant.
-So nobody knows you took this van?
-Nope.
-Totally free.
-Not a soul.
My mom tracks my phone.
Wow! You guys are badasses.
And we all know what badasses want.
Yes. Girlfriends.
Adorable!
But let me ask this:
do you guys want girlfriends,
or do you wanna take your clothes off
and get this party started?
[all grunting]
Yeah! Fuckin' A.
The former, please.
All right. First of all, Matty,
I'm sorry you saw
the second half of that tape.
If you're feeling weird
about the sexiness of my butt, don't.
That's not why I feel weird, Coach.
Sure, keep telling yourself that.
I don't care.
You just need to stay focused now
'cause now you know
what you need to do to get Wendy back.
You need to be romantic as fuck,
like I was in the first half of that tape.
Coach, I can't do that.
I don't have any moves to win her back.
I can't sing or anything.
Look, Matty, I'm no ladies' man either.
That wasn't me singing. It was Pill Ben.
He's got the confidence
of a man with Lenny Kravitz's dick.
Lenny Kravitz? Sounds like an accountant,
but I'll take your word for it.
Do you think Pill Ben could help me?
Um, I don't know, Matty.
He has a mind of his own,
but, you know, it's worth a shot.
How about this?
Give me your phone for the night.
OK.
But, hey, if you get a call from my dad,
please let me know.
Sure. Of course. Does he call a lot?
No, it'd be the first time.
OK, Pill Ben,
I really need you to text your ass off.
Win Wendy back for Matty
so I can have my superstar ready
for the game tomorrow.
And this should go without saying,
but no dick pics.
[gulps]
[light music playing]
[snoring]
Oh, fuck! Pill Ben let me down.
The only fucking time I needed him,
and he didn't do shit.
[gasps] Thank God you're up!
Your phone has been ringing all morning.
Why didn't you wake me up?
Because it sounded
like you were having a wet dream.
No judgment, but it's time to get up.
Matty's in jail.
Matty's in jail?
[Ben] Noooooo!
[Ben coughing]
[Ben] Ohhhhh!
Officer, what happened with Matty?
The kid flipped out over some girl,
lost it,
went to her house at 2:00 a.m. last night
and destroyed the place.
2:00 a.m.?
[grunts]
We got work to do, lady arms,
but we ain't texting.
Eat some of these flowers, you bitch.
They'll give you strength.
You're gonna need it tonight.
Flowers are fucking vegetables.
Vegetables are energy.
No keys.
No keys. Can't get in.
Use God's keys, you half-man.
[rock music playing]
♪ What's-her-face and Matty
Sittin' in a tree ♪
♪ P-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪
Ah, fuck, Matty. I'm sorry.
But the truth is, this isn't my fault.
Pill Ben fucked us.
Well, it could be worse.
At least I have my pants.
Jesus Christ!
You guys gotta work out more.
Coach, we have good news and bad news.
The bad news is that
we sort of borrowed a van from my aunt
and then the van was stolen from us.
But the good news is,
it was stolen by our girlfriends!
Don't care.
Matty, what's going on with Wendy,
the only girlfriend
I actually do care about?
I don't know, Coach,
but I don't think you pissing on her floor
really helped anything.
I told you it wasn't me. It was Pill Ben.
Oh, yeah. Well, I bet if we tested
the piss, it'd match yours exactly.
-[sinister music playing]
-You guys got no idea what you're in for.
Prison's gonna chew you up
and spit you out, starting right now.
And I'm gonna take the first bite.
[door opens]
Charges dropped. You're all free to go.
[all] Yes! Yeah! Whoo!
-[Timebomb] Fuckin' jailbreak!
-[Isaac] Yeah, baby!
Whoa! That woman is not attractive.
She looks like if DJ was a man.
Again, I am so sorry, Aunt Jenny.
You boys are very lucky they found the van
and that Marcus was still in it.
I can't believe you, of all people,
got some action.
It's not as good as it looks.
All I got was physical affection,
no real connection.
I did lose my flower.
Oh, no, it's in my pocket.
Wendy, I wanna come totally clean
and say that some of this was my fault,
so I'll take care
of all the damages under $150.
Above that, you're on your own.
Look, it wasn't easy
convincing my mom to drop the charges,
but Matty told me you inspired his video.
♪ You said we’re through ♪
♪ You said that’s it ♪
♪ Coach told you ♪
♪ That I’m dog shit ♪
♪ It’s the end of the road ♪
♪ We’re heading south ♪
♪ But I never punched ♪
♪ That old bag’s mouth ♪
Fucking ladies' man!
I knew you had it in you, Matty.
And no pills.
Now, lady who looks like DJ,
can we get a ride to the game
in the Boyfriend Bus?
Sure, but I don't look like DJ.
DJ looks like me, motherfucker!
Yeah, we got the same fat ass,
but ladies actually want me.
Whoa! Now, that's a feisty meatball.
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Not so fast.
No girlfriends on the team bus,
and I mean it!
Look at Matty. He's about to have
a fucking heart attack. [laughs]
I'm kidding. Do whatever you want.
Eat spaghetti dinner.
Kiss in the gym. Eat each other's butts.
I don't care,
as long as Matty stays in the zone.
[engine starts, tires screech]
[boys] Yeah! Whoo!
What a happy ending.
I don't know about anyone else,
but I didn't learn a goddamn thing.
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
♪ I hope it's soon ♪
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪