Hoops (2020–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - The Scout - full transcript
Good morning, Lenwood!
Amazing news, everybody!
-I fucked my wife!
-[all gasp]
[Ben laughing]
[disco music playing]
Morning, everybody. I fucked my wife!
Hey, kids. I fucked my wife!
Betty, roses look great!
I fucked my wife.
I fucked my wife, trash man!
-Who's the guy who fucked his wife?
-♪ Coach is, Coach is... ♪
Hey, Frank. How are ya?
Every day's a little better
than the last one,
but I can't lie and say
I don't miss my dear, sweet Margaret.
Well, she was a good woman,
and it seemed like you guys
truly loved each other.
-Anyway, I fucked my wife!
-♪ Who's the guy who fucked his wife... ♪
Uh, Guy Hoop-hucti-zwyfe?
That's me, and it's actually pronounced
"guy who fucked his wife."
Which, by the way, is something I did.
♪ He fucked his wife... ♪
[distorted] I fucked my wife.
-♪ He fucked his wife... ♪
-[Ben] Ah, shit! My leg!
At least I fucked my wife.
I hope I told enough people.
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah
'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
♪ Hoops! ♪
[whistle blows]
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
-[kid grunts]
-That's a charge!
You no-dick bastard!
[all gasp]
That was a bullshit call!
I mean, are you blind?
Get your head out of your own asshole!
Hey, man, is everything all right?
Love is fickle.
And sometimes
love will break your fuckin' heart.
Whoa! Did something happen, buddy?
[crying] Shannon left me!
She's gone!
Just like the NSYNC song
and the Hall & Oates song.
There are a lot of songs on this subject.
Shannon left you?
That's so unexpected and terrible for you!
Man, I am shocked!
I had no idea
you guys were having problems.
Ron, why don't you get outta here
and go clean yourself up?
Thanks, Ben. You're the only one
that really cares about me.
Hey, man. I love ya.
-Time-out!
-[whistle blows]
Good time-out, Coach.
They got Rogers on me.
He doesn't even come up to my waist.
Enough with the basketball shit!
We've been talking about it all season.
Something important happened.
Shannon broke up with Ron.
I'm fuckin' golden.
This is better
than the day I took that selfie
with Vin Diesel at Kings Island.
Yeah, Coach,
you keep showing us that picture,
and we've told you already,
that's not Vin Diesel.
That little bald guy
was Vin fuckin' Diesel.
Oh, come on, Coach.
That dude was like three feet tall.
Ah, they make you look tall in Hollywood.
I hear that Ryan Reynolds
is barely a foot.
Anyway, as long as you called time-out,
is there something you can say
that might inspire us?
Yeah, sure.
I fucked my wife!
Yeah, the garbage man told me.
All right. Good effort, guys.
We'll get 'em next time.
Coach Hopkins.
Do you have a minute?
[cell phone vibrating]
[laughs] She wants to have dinner!
Uh...
That's great.
Now, the reason that I want--
You don't understand!
My wife wants to have dinner with me!
And I fucked her!
Wow, what a day!
Can you believe it?
Obviously, you could
move into Kirk's house and stay with him,
but I think it's probably better
that I just move back into our place.
-Ben, I--
-Uh-uh! I know what you're thinking.
I know what you're thinking.
And I want you to know
that I'm a much better listener now.
I love listening!
And I hear you. We should get a dog.
I said that six years ago.
I have a dog now. You met him.
[laughing] Shannon, Shannon!
We have a dog.
Listen, Ben, I have something I wanna say.
Well, darling, that means
I have something that I wanna hear.
Again, listening,
but I think you should say it
while we're doing this.
Ben, I can't do this!
Oh, sure you can.
It's just like that scene in 27 Dresses.
McConaughey, Heigl, dream team.
That's an underrated movie.
They should make a sequel.
There's so many new dresses to focus on
since the movie came out.
It could really be a series.
-Ben...
-Come on. Just...
Leave... Don't touch me!
Relax your arms. Just...
-I am relaxed, OK?
-No, like this. [grunts]
I don't wanna get back together!
No, no, no! Your elbow has to bend,
or you'll never reach.
[shouting] Ben! It's over, OK?
Sleeping with you was a huge mistake,
and I'm a fucking idiot!
[coughing]
Excuse me.
I'm just choking. [splutters]
[coughing] Oh!
That's so funny.
You thought I wanted to get back together.
Why? Because of the 27 Dresses arm thing?
Yeah, that. Oh, and the cake.
And the kids with the banner behind me.
[Ben laughing] Uh, that's...
That's just a coincidence.
Ow!
Sorry, Coach. The rope broke.
Hey, Shannon. I'm Cupid.
[doorbell rings]
Hey!
Oh, honey, you must be a mess!
Two breakups in one week?
It's like when I dated twins.
But they were conjoined,
so it really was just one conversation.
I don't know.
On the one hand, I feel really good.
And on the other hand,
I feel really guilty
about how good I feel.
Well, you've been there for me
the last 17 breakups,
and now's my chance to help you.
I have a lot of time
to read self-help books on the toilet.
I take long poos, girl.
Let's start with step one.
Get over him.
Holy shit!
Now, let's put anything you have
of Ron and Ben's in the fire.
I already started with Ron's iPad.
That was my iPad!
Girl, don't tell me
you don't have AppleCare?
[sighs]
Everybody, maybe pick up your feet.
Or don't. Whatever. Life is meaningless.
Coach, are you all right?
Yeah, Coach. You kinda look like Ron.
[wailing]
Shannon!
I'm done for, boys.
Shannon left me,
and she was my last chance at happiness.
[man] Uh, Coach Hopkins.
Let's try this again.
I'm Coach Lamonte,
and I'm from Henderson Prep.
Ah, you couldn't have come
at a better time.
I gotta get out of here. I'm going through
a really painful breakup right now.
Plus, she's keeping our fucking dog.
But a new job at a fancy New England
high school that's a pipeline to D-One...
What's your first offer?
Which I have to reject, art of the deal,
but twist my arm, and I'll take it.
I'll take anything!
I'm not here for you.
No, I'm here for the seven-footer.
[both wailing]
Sure, all these players go on
to play Division I basketball,
and sure, they have amazing facilities,
but you know what?
They don't have me, and you need me.
You love me, Matty.
Yeah, Matty.
We're not even a team without you.
You can't leave us.
We're a family now.
Everybody, chill out.
I don't wanna go to Henderson Prep.
I'm happy here at Lenwood.
All my friends are here.
-[all sigh]
-Oh, that's a relief!
[chuckles] Atta boy, Matty!
Stick with these geeks.
It's a good thing that prep school coach
talked to you, not my mom.
[chuckles] She's always dreamed
of me going away to a private school,
but she can't afford it.
If she found out, she'd make me go.
That is good. Otherwise,
we'd have to take care of your mom.
-Murder? That ain't cool, dog.
-Too far, Coach.
Coach, stop. You're not killing my mom.
You're right.
There's too many squealers on this team.
So, in the interest of keeping her alive,
which we all want so badly,
I say we head Lamonte off at the pass.
He's gonna go there next,
but we're one step ahead of him.
[knock at door]
Matty, is your mama home?
Oh, yeah. She sure is. Come on in.
Mom, there's someone here to see you.
Ms. Atkins, how are you?
I'm Coach Lamonte.
I'm here to talk to you
about a big opportunity for Matty.
Mr. Lamonte. Charmed, I'm sure.
And please, call me Matty's real mom.
Mom, stop.
[beeping]
Henderson Prep is the wrong place
for my son.
That's it. Just like that, Connie.
Tell him to fuck off.
Brushing off an opportunity like this
would be a big mistake, ma'am.
I'd hate to see you go down that road.
I regret going down on a lot of things,
but a road ain't one of 'em.
Oh, Connie, you idiot.
Whose idea was it to hire a prostitute
to play Matty's mom?
Oh, yeah. It was mine.
Are you a parent, Coach Lamonte?
Because I definitely,
100 percent am... to Matty,
and I just don't think
I can part with him!
Henderson Prep is a top-tier school.
And he would be guaranteed
college acceptance.
Lenwood High School is great too.
I went there.
Look, with all due respect,
only half the kids that go to Lenwood
get a diploma.
Their graduates are more likely
to end up on the streets
than going to college.
In fairness, there's a lot of money
to be made on the streets.
Guys, remind me to find a female friend
who's not a hooker.
Look, ma'am, don't you wanna give your son
a real shot at life?
I am offering him
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Once in a lifetime, huh?
What is she doing?
Why's she going off script?
[sniffles] You're right.
Henderson Prep sounds like
a great opportunity for my son.
That's it. He's going!
You must really see something in him
'cause I've never offered a guy
a free ride in my life.
What the fuck is she doing?
Making a sound decision
for her child's future?
Wait! Wait! Lamonte, wait!
What are you doing here?
That wasn't Matty's mom.
That was a prostitute named Connie
who I hired.
Look, Matty's my best player.
I can't let you take him away.
Not now. I'll lose my job,
and I just lost my wife and my dog.
Plus, Matty doesn't wanna go.
Well, maybe you can convince him.
Why would I help you steal my star player?
Because if you do,
there might be
an assistant coach position in it for you.
Wait. You're saying I could go with him?
Wow! Coach Hopkins at Henderson Prep.
I can already see it.
Shannon will be so fucking jealous.
Now, are you gonna
make this interesting for me?
I did. You said yes.
Right. Well, it would still be nice
if I knew what you saw in me.
That you have access to a seven-footer.
Yeah, but about me, though, specifically.
Uh...
You seem to know how to shout a lot
and not lose your voice.
With the best of 'em.
He's leaving. Our plan worked!
-Yeah!
-We did it!
-Yes!
-All right!
Guys, after having
a quick back and forth with Lamonte,
he said some really good things
about Henderson Prep,
and I think Matty
should consider going there.
My son,
a prep school boy!
Are you fucking kidding, Coach?
We just did all that stuff
to get rid of him.
Of course I'm kidding.
I just wanted to come back in
and have a laugh with you guys.
Anyway, why don't we all talk about
where our moms work and call it a day?
Matty, you wanna start us off?
[bell rings]
Crystal Atkins. You're Matty's mom, right?
Crazy running into you here.
I'm Coach Hopkins.
I was just here shopping for, um...
creepy dolls.
Coach!
I know who you are.
And please put that down.
I never got a chance to thank you
for putting Matty on the team.
It's done wonders for his self-esteem.
You're welcome.
But if anything, I should be thanking you.
-Me?
-You gave birth to a seven-footer.
He must have been a huge baby.
Probably really messed you up down there.
Gotta be a train wreck.
Yuck! I don't even wanna think about
that enormous vagina of yours.
Well, I wouldn't describe it
quite like that.
I mean, sure, it... you know...
It's not messed up.
It bounced back,
just like, you know, they do.
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you got a real talent
on your hands,
and he's already being scouted.
[gasps] Matty's being scouted?
Yeah. Henderson Prep wants to recruit him.
They wanna give him a full ride:
room and board. The whole nine.
That's amazing!
I'd love him to go!
I've been a single mom
his whole life and, you know,
I've always worked two jobs
just to keep him--
Boring!
Excuse me?
Oh, it's just a thing I do when I'm bored,
like a catchphrase for boring stuff.
All right. Well, great call
about the school. Very wise.
In fact, you should get all the credit.
If Matty asks,
we never had this conversation.
I think that's best for everyone--
Boring!
Look, he even does it to me.
[rock music playing inside]
Now you're ready for step three.
Get back out there.
[Shannon] Hey, I know that guy.
He's that skeezy injury attorney.
Oh my God! This kid plays on Ben's team!
Why don't we put this away
and get a scorpion bowl?
It's like a pitcher, but with straws.
Sure. After you pick someone,
maybe you can get a scorpion bowl.
Remember, this step is called
"get back out there."
I'm just about sick of this.
I want that damn scorpion bowl!
This is supposed to be about me,
but you're making it about you.
I'm trying to help you for once.
Well, you're not.
The whole point is
that I finally get to do what I wanna do,
but you're just making me do
what you wanna do.
You might as well be Ron or Ben.
[gasps] How dare you!
Fine. I guess, as always, I'm the mess.
I'll just dump myself
before you can dump me.
Thinking she knows better than me.
I hope you choke on a little umbrella,
you skinny bitch.
Huh! Wow!
-Look at that!
-[knock at door]
[Matty] Hey, Coach. Can I talk to you?
Yeah, one minute. One minute!
[grunting]
Sure. Come on in, buddy.
Uh, is this a bad time?
Uh, what makes you think that?
You're half naked.
Now look, Matty,
I'm always there for my players.
Half naked, full naked, just socks.
Doesn't matter! What's up?
Well, my mom came home
from work last night,
and out of nowhere,
she came down pretty hard on me
and said I have to go to Henderson Prep.
I guess coach Lamonte found her after all.
Goddamn it, that fucking Lamonte!
That's terrible, Matty.
Yeah, it just sucks.
I mean, I feel
like I was just getting started here.
For the first time in my life,
I was actually starting to make friends,
and I'm not gonna know anyone there.
It's gonna be like I'm starting over.
This kills me.
This kills me
because we were so close, but...
Whoa! Major light bulb here, Matty.
What if I went with you? You and me.
I can't believe I just came up with that.
What?
Yeah, like,
I'll join you at Henderson Prep.
I'll pull some strings, see if they have
some dumb assistant coach job.
Then you won't have to go alone.
[laughs]
You'd do that for me?
Hey, I'm your coach.
We're family, Matty.
Uh, yeah,
I'm not hugging you without a shirt.
Do you want me to take my bottoms off?
Definitely not.
Peace offering.
It's from that Chinese place
where the kid works the register.
Listen, I feel bad
about how things went the other night.
You were just trying to help.
No, no, no, no.
I thought about it, and you were right.
I made this whole thing about me.
This was your breakup,
and we should have done what you wanted.
I got you something too.
Oh!
You got me a scorpion bowl?
I can't stay mad at you.
[Ben over PA] How the fuck
do you turn this thing on?
What in the hell?
-[PA interference]
-[Ben] Pay attention, everybody.
Please report immediately to the gymnasium
for an emergency assembly.
Doesn't matter what you're doing.
Haul ass.
I repeat, hurry the fuck up
and get to the gym, or you'll be expelled.
[murmuring]
-[mic squeals]
-Um... Hey, yeah, I...
This is embarrassing. I, uh...
I didn't want this to be a whole thing.
You told us we'd be expelled!
All right. Let's just get into it.
Stop ruining the moment.
There comes a time in every man's life
when his God beckons him to move on.
When is that time?
Well, for me, it's right fuckin' now.
That's right.
Coach Hopkins is not gonna be home
to clean up your messes anymore.
Some people may say I'm just doing this
because I had sex with my wife
and she didn't wanna
get back together with me.
And to them, I say,
"What? Are you serious right now?
You're seriously fucking thinking that?
Yeah, it's fucking insane."
So today, I consider myself
the luckiest man on planet fucking Earth
because it's finally time
for me to get the fuck out of this dump.
-["The Star-Spangled Banner" plays]
-And I'm retiring my jacket.
[grunting and panting]
I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back.
So farewell, Lenwood,
and fuck you.
Fuck all of you!
Oh, fuck!
I left my fucking keys
in my fucking jacket.
That's why it was so heavy.
This is humiliating.
Everybody look away.
Pretend this part didn't happen.
[grunts]
It's even harder getting it down.
That doesn't make any sense.
What? Where?
Oh, fuck! They're not in here!
Ah, here they are.
I've had 'em all along!
[chuckles]
All right. I'm retiring my jacket.
Go back to that moment.
["The Star-Spangled Banner" continues]
[grunting and panting]
Once again, Lenwood, go fuck yourselves!
[microphone interference]
[kid coughing]
[rock music playing]
[engine revs, tires squeal]
♪ I've been walkin' the fine line ♪
♪ Between the form and the function... ♪
[Ben] Fuck you, Dawa!
Go suck your own dick!
Fuck you, Matty's girlfriend.
And fuck you, weird religious kid.
And fuck you, dead delivery guy.
Fuck you, Chin twins.
And fuck you, Gunnar.
Fuck you, you bloated fuck.
Oh, no. Hey, Dad!
Biggest fuck-you of all!
Fuck you, Dad!
Hey! What changed?
We were good just a few days ago.
I changed.
I'm a big deal now, ya prick!
I'm no longer Barry Hopkins' son.
You're now Ben Hopkins' dad!
Well, I... I still love you, son.
Don't do that, 'cause fuck you, Dad!
Wow.
Ben's really gone.
I was certain it would be an aneurysm,
or Barry would just snap.
Hell, I thought I'd kill him.
[grunts]
I just realized I've been making a fist
for the last 12 years.
I'm so...
happy!
Oh, I agree. He will be missed.
So you're not upset about
what he said in his speech?
What? That you and Coach
had sex behind my back?
[laughing hysterically]
No way.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're clearly dealing
with some misplaced anger right now.
Why don't you take some time, and--
-Give me that whistle!
-Hold on!
-That's not how you--
-Oh, it's my team now!
[whistle blows]
Wait! Where are all the kids?
[rock music continues]
[tires screech]
Guys! My guys! There you are!
I've been looking all over for you.
No, you weren't. You were gonna leave
without saying goodbye.
You and Matty can't leave.
We're a family.
This isn't goodbye, guys. It's, uh...
You know, it's just, like,
"so long for now" kind of thing.
That's just another way
to say that you're leaving.
All right. Yeah, I'm leaving, Isaac,
but that doesn't mean
I'm forgetting about you.
In fact, I got you guys some presents
to remember me by.
You didn't think I got you presents,
did ya?
I did.
They're in the...
They're right here, in the trunk.
Let me... Yeah, here they are.
See? Told you he wasn't just ghosting us.
Timebomb, I got you
this old Auto Trader magazine because...
well, 'cause you're the real deal.
Marcus, this spare tire reminds me of you
because it's reliable
and not good enough to start.
And, Isaac,
this tire jack is for you because...
you know, you're always...
jacking.
Scott, here's a wrench for--
-It doesn't matter.
-[Ben] Thank you.
DJ,
little tub of shit. [chuckles]
Fat tongue, fat belly, big titty DJ.
I love you most of all.
You're like the lion in The Wizard of Oz.
Here's a pocketknife for you
'cause you're, uh, you know...
You're always...
Uh, you know, you're sharp.
Hm... I don't know. Uh...
It's got a toothpick,
'cause, you know, you like to, uh...
Listen, guys,
this is as hard for me as it is for you.
Without you guys, I'd have no one.
You all believed in me from the start.
And I know this sounds crazy, but...
I think you guys might be my best friends.
Anyways...
Thanks, losers,
and see you when I see you.
Guys, I think Coach might be a dick.
-Wow!
-Oh, shit!
I never saw it before just now.
All right, Matty.
I even made a mix CD for the road.
Let's do this.
It's time to hit the road, Jack!
Ah, shit. That was supposed to play
"Hit the Road Jack."
Well, that one was a loss,
but don't worry
'cause you and I are moving out.
That's OK because they can't touch this!
God fucking damn it!
This piece of crap is broken!
How the hell am I supposed
to drive off into the fucking sunset
with no soundtrack?
What the fuck are we gonna talk about
for eight hours?
Fuck!
[exhales] I'm not lettin' this bug me.
From here on out, Matty,
everything's gonna be smooth sailing.
[thud, hissing]
Oh, fuck!
You fucking piece of shit car!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fucking Marcus.
Why the fuck did he take that?
Taking fucking tires!
Who says yes to tires?
Selfish prick.
-[CD player starts]
-♪ Can't touch this... ♪
Oh, now it fuckin' plays!
I'm trying to create
a fucking cinematic moment here.
Not Hammer Time!
[Ben laughing] Look at that!
Look at those fucking birds.
They're in a "V."
I wish Little Man Tate had a V in it.
Have I ever told you about that movie?
Underrated film!
True classic!
Let me tell you about it.
It's about a little man...
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
♪ I hope it's soon ♪
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪
Amazing news, everybody!
-I fucked my wife!
-[all gasp]
[Ben laughing]
[disco music playing]
Morning, everybody. I fucked my wife!
Hey, kids. I fucked my wife!
Betty, roses look great!
I fucked my wife.
I fucked my wife, trash man!
-Who's the guy who fucked his wife?
-♪ Coach is, Coach is... ♪
Hey, Frank. How are ya?
Every day's a little better
than the last one,
but I can't lie and say
I don't miss my dear, sweet Margaret.
Well, she was a good woman,
and it seemed like you guys
truly loved each other.
-Anyway, I fucked my wife!
-♪ Who's the guy who fucked his wife... ♪
Uh, Guy Hoop-hucti-zwyfe?
That's me, and it's actually pronounced
"guy who fucked his wife."
Which, by the way, is something I did.
♪ He fucked his wife... ♪
[distorted] I fucked my wife.
-♪ He fucked his wife... ♪
-[Ben] Ah, shit! My leg!
At least I fucked my wife.
I hope I told enough people.
[theme music playing]
[whistle blows]
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Driving me crazy
'Bout to lose my shit ♪
♪ Hey, yeah ♪
♪ Sick of my job
Sick of those damn kids ♪
♪ Hey, yeah
'Bout to lose my shit, yeah ♪
[tires screech]
♪ Hoops! ♪
[whistle blows]
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
♪ Hoops! ♪
-[kid grunts]
-That's a charge!
You no-dick bastard!
[all gasp]
That was a bullshit call!
I mean, are you blind?
Get your head out of your own asshole!
Hey, man, is everything all right?
Love is fickle.
And sometimes
love will break your fuckin' heart.
Whoa! Did something happen, buddy?
[crying] Shannon left me!
She's gone!
Just like the NSYNC song
and the Hall & Oates song.
There are a lot of songs on this subject.
Shannon left you?
That's so unexpected and terrible for you!
Man, I am shocked!
I had no idea
you guys were having problems.
Ron, why don't you get outta here
and go clean yourself up?
Thanks, Ben. You're the only one
that really cares about me.
Hey, man. I love ya.
-Time-out!
-[whistle blows]
Good time-out, Coach.
They got Rogers on me.
He doesn't even come up to my waist.
Enough with the basketball shit!
We've been talking about it all season.
Something important happened.
Shannon broke up with Ron.
I'm fuckin' golden.
This is better
than the day I took that selfie
with Vin Diesel at Kings Island.
Yeah, Coach,
you keep showing us that picture,
and we've told you already,
that's not Vin Diesel.
That little bald guy
was Vin fuckin' Diesel.
Oh, come on, Coach.
That dude was like three feet tall.
Ah, they make you look tall in Hollywood.
I hear that Ryan Reynolds
is barely a foot.
Anyway, as long as you called time-out,
is there something you can say
that might inspire us?
Yeah, sure.
I fucked my wife!
Yeah, the garbage man told me.
All right. Good effort, guys.
We'll get 'em next time.
Coach Hopkins.
Do you have a minute?
[cell phone vibrating]
[laughs] She wants to have dinner!
Uh...
That's great.
Now, the reason that I want--
You don't understand!
My wife wants to have dinner with me!
And I fucked her!
Wow, what a day!
Can you believe it?
Obviously, you could
move into Kirk's house and stay with him,
but I think it's probably better
that I just move back into our place.
-Ben, I--
-Uh-uh! I know what you're thinking.
I know what you're thinking.
And I want you to know
that I'm a much better listener now.
I love listening!
And I hear you. We should get a dog.
I said that six years ago.
I have a dog now. You met him.
[laughing] Shannon, Shannon!
We have a dog.
Listen, Ben, I have something I wanna say.
Well, darling, that means
I have something that I wanna hear.
Again, listening,
but I think you should say it
while we're doing this.
Ben, I can't do this!
Oh, sure you can.
It's just like that scene in 27 Dresses.
McConaughey, Heigl, dream team.
That's an underrated movie.
They should make a sequel.
There's so many new dresses to focus on
since the movie came out.
It could really be a series.
-Ben...
-Come on. Just...
Leave... Don't touch me!
Relax your arms. Just...
-I am relaxed, OK?
-No, like this. [grunts]
I don't wanna get back together!
No, no, no! Your elbow has to bend,
or you'll never reach.
[shouting] Ben! It's over, OK?
Sleeping with you was a huge mistake,
and I'm a fucking idiot!
[coughing]
Excuse me.
I'm just choking. [splutters]
[coughing] Oh!
That's so funny.
You thought I wanted to get back together.
Why? Because of the 27 Dresses arm thing?
Yeah, that. Oh, and the cake.
And the kids with the banner behind me.
[Ben laughing] Uh, that's...
That's just a coincidence.
Ow!
Sorry, Coach. The rope broke.
Hey, Shannon. I'm Cupid.
[doorbell rings]
Hey!
Oh, honey, you must be a mess!
Two breakups in one week?
It's like when I dated twins.
But they were conjoined,
so it really was just one conversation.
I don't know.
On the one hand, I feel really good.
And on the other hand,
I feel really guilty
about how good I feel.
Well, you've been there for me
the last 17 breakups,
and now's my chance to help you.
I have a lot of time
to read self-help books on the toilet.
I take long poos, girl.
Let's start with step one.
Get over him.
Holy shit!
Now, let's put anything you have
of Ron and Ben's in the fire.
I already started with Ron's iPad.
That was my iPad!
Girl, don't tell me
you don't have AppleCare?
[sighs]
Everybody, maybe pick up your feet.
Or don't. Whatever. Life is meaningless.
Coach, are you all right?
Yeah, Coach. You kinda look like Ron.
[wailing]
Shannon!
I'm done for, boys.
Shannon left me,
and she was my last chance at happiness.
[man] Uh, Coach Hopkins.
Let's try this again.
I'm Coach Lamonte,
and I'm from Henderson Prep.
Ah, you couldn't have come
at a better time.
I gotta get out of here. I'm going through
a really painful breakup right now.
Plus, she's keeping our fucking dog.
But a new job at a fancy New England
high school that's a pipeline to D-One...
What's your first offer?
Which I have to reject, art of the deal,
but twist my arm, and I'll take it.
I'll take anything!
I'm not here for you.
No, I'm here for the seven-footer.
[both wailing]
Sure, all these players go on
to play Division I basketball,
and sure, they have amazing facilities,
but you know what?
They don't have me, and you need me.
You love me, Matty.
Yeah, Matty.
We're not even a team without you.
You can't leave us.
We're a family now.
Everybody, chill out.
I don't wanna go to Henderson Prep.
I'm happy here at Lenwood.
All my friends are here.
-[all sigh]
-Oh, that's a relief!
[chuckles] Atta boy, Matty!
Stick with these geeks.
It's a good thing that prep school coach
talked to you, not my mom.
[chuckles] She's always dreamed
of me going away to a private school,
but she can't afford it.
If she found out, she'd make me go.
That is good. Otherwise,
we'd have to take care of your mom.
-Murder? That ain't cool, dog.
-Too far, Coach.
Coach, stop. You're not killing my mom.
You're right.
There's too many squealers on this team.
So, in the interest of keeping her alive,
which we all want so badly,
I say we head Lamonte off at the pass.
He's gonna go there next,
but we're one step ahead of him.
[knock at door]
Matty, is your mama home?
Oh, yeah. She sure is. Come on in.
Mom, there's someone here to see you.
Ms. Atkins, how are you?
I'm Coach Lamonte.
I'm here to talk to you
about a big opportunity for Matty.
Mr. Lamonte. Charmed, I'm sure.
And please, call me Matty's real mom.
Mom, stop.
[beeping]
Henderson Prep is the wrong place
for my son.
That's it. Just like that, Connie.
Tell him to fuck off.
Brushing off an opportunity like this
would be a big mistake, ma'am.
I'd hate to see you go down that road.
I regret going down on a lot of things,
but a road ain't one of 'em.
Oh, Connie, you idiot.
Whose idea was it to hire a prostitute
to play Matty's mom?
Oh, yeah. It was mine.
Are you a parent, Coach Lamonte?
Because I definitely,
100 percent am... to Matty,
and I just don't think
I can part with him!
Henderson Prep is a top-tier school.
And he would be guaranteed
college acceptance.
Lenwood High School is great too.
I went there.
Look, with all due respect,
only half the kids that go to Lenwood
get a diploma.
Their graduates are more likely
to end up on the streets
than going to college.
In fairness, there's a lot of money
to be made on the streets.
Guys, remind me to find a female friend
who's not a hooker.
Look, ma'am, don't you wanna give your son
a real shot at life?
I am offering him
a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity.
Once in a lifetime, huh?
What is she doing?
Why's she going off script?
[sniffles] You're right.
Henderson Prep sounds like
a great opportunity for my son.
That's it. He's going!
You must really see something in him
'cause I've never offered a guy
a free ride in my life.
What the fuck is she doing?
Making a sound decision
for her child's future?
Wait! Wait! Lamonte, wait!
What are you doing here?
That wasn't Matty's mom.
That was a prostitute named Connie
who I hired.
Look, Matty's my best player.
I can't let you take him away.
Not now. I'll lose my job,
and I just lost my wife and my dog.
Plus, Matty doesn't wanna go.
Well, maybe you can convince him.
Why would I help you steal my star player?
Because if you do,
there might be
an assistant coach position in it for you.
Wait. You're saying I could go with him?
Wow! Coach Hopkins at Henderson Prep.
I can already see it.
Shannon will be so fucking jealous.
Now, are you gonna
make this interesting for me?
I did. You said yes.
Right. Well, it would still be nice
if I knew what you saw in me.
That you have access to a seven-footer.
Yeah, but about me, though, specifically.
Uh...
You seem to know how to shout a lot
and not lose your voice.
With the best of 'em.
He's leaving. Our plan worked!
-Yeah!
-We did it!
-Yes!
-All right!
Guys, after having
a quick back and forth with Lamonte,
he said some really good things
about Henderson Prep,
and I think Matty
should consider going there.
My son,
a prep school boy!
Are you fucking kidding, Coach?
We just did all that stuff
to get rid of him.
Of course I'm kidding.
I just wanted to come back in
and have a laugh with you guys.
Anyway, why don't we all talk about
where our moms work and call it a day?
Matty, you wanna start us off?
[bell rings]
Crystal Atkins. You're Matty's mom, right?
Crazy running into you here.
I'm Coach Hopkins.
I was just here shopping for, um...
creepy dolls.
Coach!
I know who you are.
And please put that down.
I never got a chance to thank you
for putting Matty on the team.
It's done wonders for his self-esteem.
You're welcome.
But if anything, I should be thanking you.
-Me?
-You gave birth to a seven-footer.
He must have been a huge baby.
Probably really messed you up down there.
Gotta be a train wreck.
Yuck! I don't even wanna think about
that enormous vagina of yours.
Well, I wouldn't describe it
quite like that.
I mean, sure, it... you know...
It's not messed up.
It bounced back,
just like, you know, they do.
Yeah, yeah. Anyway, you got a real talent
on your hands,
and he's already being scouted.
[gasps] Matty's being scouted?
Yeah. Henderson Prep wants to recruit him.
They wanna give him a full ride:
room and board. The whole nine.
That's amazing!
I'd love him to go!
I've been a single mom
his whole life and, you know,
I've always worked two jobs
just to keep him--
Boring!
Excuse me?
Oh, it's just a thing I do when I'm bored,
like a catchphrase for boring stuff.
All right. Well, great call
about the school. Very wise.
In fact, you should get all the credit.
If Matty asks,
we never had this conversation.
I think that's best for everyone--
Boring!
Look, he even does it to me.
[rock music playing inside]
Now you're ready for step three.
Get back out there.
[Shannon] Hey, I know that guy.
He's that skeezy injury attorney.
Oh my God! This kid plays on Ben's team!
Why don't we put this away
and get a scorpion bowl?
It's like a pitcher, but with straws.
Sure. After you pick someone,
maybe you can get a scorpion bowl.
Remember, this step is called
"get back out there."
I'm just about sick of this.
I want that damn scorpion bowl!
This is supposed to be about me,
but you're making it about you.
I'm trying to help you for once.
Well, you're not.
The whole point is
that I finally get to do what I wanna do,
but you're just making me do
what you wanna do.
You might as well be Ron or Ben.
[gasps] How dare you!
Fine. I guess, as always, I'm the mess.
I'll just dump myself
before you can dump me.
Thinking she knows better than me.
I hope you choke on a little umbrella,
you skinny bitch.
Huh! Wow!
-Look at that!
-[knock at door]
[Matty] Hey, Coach. Can I talk to you?
Yeah, one minute. One minute!
[grunting]
Sure. Come on in, buddy.
Uh, is this a bad time?
Uh, what makes you think that?
You're half naked.
Now look, Matty,
I'm always there for my players.
Half naked, full naked, just socks.
Doesn't matter! What's up?
Well, my mom came home
from work last night,
and out of nowhere,
she came down pretty hard on me
and said I have to go to Henderson Prep.
I guess coach Lamonte found her after all.
Goddamn it, that fucking Lamonte!
That's terrible, Matty.
Yeah, it just sucks.
I mean, I feel
like I was just getting started here.
For the first time in my life,
I was actually starting to make friends,
and I'm not gonna know anyone there.
It's gonna be like I'm starting over.
This kills me.
This kills me
because we were so close, but...
Whoa! Major light bulb here, Matty.
What if I went with you? You and me.
I can't believe I just came up with that.
What?
Yeah, like,
I'll join you at Henderson Prep.
I'll pull some strings, see if they have
some dumb assistant coach job.
Then you won't have to go alone.
[laughs]
You'd do that for me?
Hey, I'm your coach.
We're family, Matty.
Uh, yeah,
I'm not hugging you without a shirt.
Do you want me to take my bottoms off?
Definitely not.
Peace offering.
It's from that Chinese place
where the kid works the register.
Listen, I feel bad
about how things went the other night.
You were just trying to help.
No, no, no, no.
I thought about it, and you were right.
I made this whole thing about me.
This was your breakup,
and we should have done what you wanted.
I got you something too.
Oh!
You got me a scorpion bowl?
I can't stay mad at you.
[Ben over PA] How the fuck
do you turn this thing on?
What in the hell?
-[PA interference]
-[Ben] Pay attention, everybody.
Please report immediately to the gymnasium
for an emergency assembly.
Doesn't matter what you're doing.
Haul ass.
I repeat, hurry the fuck up
and get to the gym, or you'll be expelled.
[murmuring]
-[mic squeals]
-Um... Hey, yeah, I...
This is embarrassing. I, uh...
I didn't want this to be a whole thing.
You told us we'd be expelled!
All right. Let's just get into it.
Stop ruining the moment.
There comes a time in every man's life
when his God beckons him to move on.
When is that time?
Well, for me, it's right fuckin' now.
That's right.
Coach Hopkins is not gonna be home
to clean up your messes anymore.
Some people may say I'm just doing this
because I had sex with my wife
and she didn't wanna
get back together with me.
And to them, I say,
"What? Are you serious right now?
You're seriously fucking thinking that?
Yeah, it's fucking insane."
So today, I consider myself
the luckiest man on planet fucking Earth
because it's finally time
for me to get the fuck out of this dump.
-["The Star-Spangled Banner" plays]
-And I'm retiring my jacket.
[grunting and panting]
I'm leaving, and I'm never coming back.
So farewell, Lenwood,
and fuck you.
Fuck all of you!
Oh, fuck!
I left my fucking keys
in my fucking jacket.
That's why it was so heavy.
This is humiliating.
Everybody look away.
Pretend this part didn't happen.
[grunts]
It's even harder getting it down.
That doesn't make any sense.
What? Where?
Oh, fuck! They're not in here!
Ah, here they are.
I've had 'em all along!
[chuckles]
All right. I'm retiring my jacket.
Go back to that moment.
["The Star-Spangled Banner" continues]
[grunting and panting]
Once again, Lenwood, go fuck yourselves!
[microphone interference]
[kid coughing]
[rock music playing]
[engine revs, tires squeal]
♪ I've been walkin' the fine line ♪
♪ Between the form and the function... ♪
[Ben] Fuck you, Dawa!
Go suck your own dick!
Fuck you, Matty's girlfriend.
And fuck you, weird religious kid.
And fuck you, dead delivery guy.
Fuck you, Chin twins.
And fuck you, Gunnar.
Fuck you, you bloated fuck.
Oh, no. Hey, Dad!
Biggest fuck-you of all!
Fuck you, Dad!
Hey! What changed?
We were good just a few days ago.
I changed.
I'm a big deal now, ya prick!
I'm no longer Barry Hopkins' son.
You're now Ben Hopkins' dad!
Well, I... I still love you, son.
Don't do that, 'cause fuck you, Dad!
Wow.
Ben's really gone.
I was certain it would be an aneurysm,
or Barry would just snap.
Hell, I thought I'd kill him.
[grunts]
I just realized I've been making a fist
for the last 12 years.
I'm so...
happy!
Oh, I agree. He will be missed.
So you're not upset about
what he said in his speech?
What? That you and Coach
had sex behind my back?
[laughing hysterically]
No way.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're clearly dealing
with some misplaced anger right now.
Why don't you take some time, and--
-Give me that whistle!
-Hold on!
-That's not how you--
-Oh, it's my team now!
[whistle blows]
Wait! Where are all the kids?
[rock music continues]
[tires screech]
Guys! My guys! There you are!
I've been looking all over for you.
No, you weren't. You were gonna leave
without saying goodbye.
You and Matty can't leave.
We're a family.
This isn't goodbye, guys. It's, uh...
You know, it's just, like,
"so long for now" kind of thing.
That's just another way
to say that you're leaving.
All right. Yeah, I'm leaving, Isaac,
but that doesn't mean
I'm forgetting about you.
In fact, I got you guys some presents
to remember me by.
You didn't think I got you presents,
did ya?
I did.
They're in the...
They're right here, in the trunk.
Let me... Yeah, here they are.
See? Told you he wasn't just ghosting us.
Timebomb, I got you
this old Auto Trader magazine because...
well, 'cause you're the real deal.
Marcus, this spare tire reminds me of you
because it's reliable
and not good enough to start.
And, Isaac,
this tire jack is for you because...
you know, you're always...
jacking.
Scott, here's a wrench for--
-It doesn't matter.
-[Ben] Thank you.
DJ,
little tub of shit. [chuckles]
Fat tongue, fat belly, big titty DJ.
I love you most of all.
You're like the lion in The Wizard of Oz.
Here's a pocketknife for you
'cause you're, uh, you know...
You're always...
Uh, you know, you're sharp.
Hm... I don't know. Uh...
It's got a toothpick,
'cause, you know, you like to, uh...
Listen, guys,
this is as hard for me as it is for you.
Without you guys, I'd have no one.
You all believed in me from the start.
And I know this sounds crazy, but...
I think you guys might be my best friends.
Anyways...
Thanks, losers,
and see you when I see you.
Guys, I think Coach might be a dick.
-Wow!
-Oh, shit!
I never saw it before just now.
All right, Matty.
I even made a mix CD for the road.
Let's do this.
It's time to hit the road, Jack!
Ah, shit. That was supposed to play
"Hit the Road Jack."
Well, that one was a loss,
but don't worry
'cause you and I are moving out.
That's OK because they can't touch this!
God fucking damn it!
This piece of crap is broken!
How the hell am I supposed
to drive off into the fucking sunset
with no soundtrack?
What the fuck are we gonna talk about
for eight hours?
Fuck!
[exhales] I'm not lettin' this bug me.
From here on out, Matty,
everything's gonna be smooth sailing.
[thud, hissing]
Oh, fuck!
You fucking piece of shit car!
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Fucking Marcus.
Why the fuck did he take that?
Taking fucking tires!
Who says yes to tires?
Selfish prick.
-[CD player starts]
-♪ Can't touch this... ♪
Oh, now it fuckin' plays!
I'm trying to create
a fucking cinematic moment here.
Not Hammer Time!
[Ben laughing] Look at that!
Look at those fucking birds.
They're in a "V."
I wish Little Man Tate had a V in it.
Have I ever told you about that movie?
Underrated film!
True classic!
Let me tell you about it.
It's about a little man...
♪ My home is in Kentucky ♪
♪ And that is where I'll die ♪
♪ I hope it's soon ♪
♪ 'Cause I presume ♪
♪ It's all a waste of time ♪