Hollywood Love Story (2018): Season 1, Episode 4 - Maddie - full transcript
Maddie is an artist diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. As @snakelively, she makes comedic memes while attempting to establish herself as an artist.
♪♪
Paris: I love going on Instagram
and seeing people
express themselves
through art and memes.
I've been noticing
some of the kids using it
to talk about their problems,
and other kids who have
the same issues
are reacting
in the Comments section.
It kind of works like
group therapy, I guess.
I'm a very sensitive person,
so anytime someone's upset
and I know about it,
it'll affect me
throughout the day.
After all, we're all human.
♪♪
My name is Maddie Knight.
I was born in New Jersey.
I had a lot of, like,
instability.
I just - I think I partially
was just, like,
born really,
like, kind of neurotic.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Photographer: Cute.
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
I used to get really, really
scared or really upset,
to the point where it'd be,
like, out of control,
and I didn't really know
how to handle it.
They would just, like,
ignore me.
I think I would just panic
and I felt like I was gonna die
if no one, like, was around me,
and I was so scared to be alone.
No one would respond to me,
so I'd just start - I would
start, like, hurting myself
so that they would maybe,
like, come help me.
♪♪
[ Cellphone ringing ]
[ Ringing continues ]
My therapist texted me and was
like, "Are you gonna call me?"
I'm pretty sure she's trying to,
like, therapy break up with me.
It's kind of a bummer to get
rejected by, like, a therapist.
It's like, "Ah, ...," like...
[ Laughs ]
Like, out of the -
like, right off the bat,
like, probably,
like, three or four,
but, like, I've seen
a lot of different therapists.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
♪♪
Dr. Narasimhan: I understand
you moved to L. A. recently?
Yeah, um, it was really hard
to find a therapist.
Kind of hard to find people
who work with, like,
borderline and with,
like, trauma stuff.
It just ends up being
kind of tricky.
I had the same thing in Chicago,
where it's, like,
even after meeting with
people, they were like,
"Oh, I just don't think
this is a good fit."
What brought you
to L. A.?
Um, school.
I transferred to Otis.
And Otis is a school
of design or...?
Yeah, art and design.
I applied there 'cause
I wanted to live in L. A.
♪♪
I'm rarely on time.
I'm not the greatest driver.
[ Horns honking, blaring,
engine revving ]
Oop.
♪♪
I don't really know a lot
of people at this school yet,
'cause I just transferred
last semester,
and I, like, only took
three classes last semester
because I had to withdraw
from a lot
'cause I just wasn't doing good,
and, like, like, I was just,
like, too, like, discombobulated
and, like, depressed to,
like, do all the work.
You know, I usually find
that people who have, like,
an aptitude in one kind of art
do a lot of different
kinds of art, as well.
So do you do
other things, as well?
Um...
♪♪
I started, like, an Instagram
where I made memes
about being crazy.
"How to make it seem like
your life is cool and exciting
when secretly you are really
just hanging on by a thread
and are barely able to
take care of yourself."
"Replace intimacy with food.
Why crying
and eating ice cream sandwiches
in a Walgreens parking lot
at 4:00 a. m.
is better than hearing someone
say that they love you."
I honestly don't know why
Cosmo hasn't hired me yet.
[ Bizet's "Habanera" plays ]
Memes for me are just, like,
a way of making fun
of my problems.
...it.
[ Whirring ]
I feel like it's easier for
other people to connect to me
when I'm being funny,
versus when I'm being serious.
[ Music continues ]
Walking to pick up my lithium
at the Walgreens on Vine Street.
I take medication.
I take mood stabilizers.
I love seeing my name
in the shining light.
Hey, what's up, YouTubers?
I'm about to unbox this lithium.
As you can see, it comes
in a nice orange container,
a nice, crisp, white cap
that says "Walgreens."
As you can see, it says
"lithium carbonate,
300-milligram capsules."
I'm gonna pour out
three of the pills.
I'm gonna go ahead and pop
all three in my mouth.
[ Music continues ]
[ Muffled ] I put them under my tongue
'cause I don't want to taste it.
[ Music continues ]
And now I feel great.
Yeah. I guess
I'm mostly nervous about it.
Ka5sh: Hello.
Maddie:
Hi. What's up?
Nothing.
Are you on your way?
'Cause I've been here
for, like -
oh, like, 30, 40 minutes.
I've been waiting.
Yeah, we're on the way.
Ka5sh and I are
pretty close friends.
I think he's, like,
my best friend.
Ka5sh:
We met through Instagram.
She likes the same kind
of, like,
fringe Internet humor as me.
♪ Man, I'm depressed ♪
♪ Man, I'm depressed, baby ♪
♪ Man, I'm depressed ♪
♪ I'm depressed, babe ♪
♪ Well, I'm depressed ♪
And she's, like, super weird
in a way that I've never met.
I just look out for her
and stuff.
Is this the place?
Ka5sh: We're, like,
Instagram artists.
What is Instagram?
Um... [ Laughs ]
It says
"Me watching my life become
more and more unmanageable
and out of control,
from the comfort of the hole
that I dug myself into."
So you made this?
[ Laughing ] Yes.
The joke is,
her life is in shambles.
[ Both laugh ]
[ Laughter ]
Scary?
So, um...
♪♪
It's weird to explain
that this is a joke to people.
Yeah. More like, "You should
probably get help."
Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
Maddie's art
is really different,
especially for, like,
people her age.
They'd probably be doing,
like, pop-culture shit.
But hers is, like,
really abstract and different,
and, like, at first,
I didn't get it
'cause I was, like,
"You make memes.
You're also making,
like, weird art
that I assume that,
like, old white people
would like and buy."
But it's, like, it's tight.
I get it.
I feel the emotion
behind what she does.
Oh, sick.
A phone.
How do you dial Instagram?
Hello? Can I please
speak to Instagram?
Operator, I'm just trying
to send a meme to Instagram
on this phone, here.
Get Instagram on the phone
right now!
Or there's gonna
be a big problem!
Do you know how important I am?
I'm a meme star!
[ Laughs ]
ODr. Narasimhan: mhan: So, what's it been
like, moving from Chicago to Los Angeles?
I guess, like, in a way,
I kind of thought, like,
going to this, like, school,
I was, like,
maybe it's gonna be, like,
a little bit better
and I think I've noticed
that a lot of it,
for me, still does feel the same
and that wouldn't ever change,
no matter, like, where I live.
Hmm.
Like, whether I live in L. A.
or Antarctica or whatever.
Hmm.
♪♪
Dr. Narasimhan: A lot of people move
to Los Angeles pursuing a dream,
and such creative passion
can come with its challenges.
It can be incredibly
rewarding and fulfilling
when things are going well,
and it can also be stressful
when there's a lot of rejection,
or it's not being acknowledged.
So that can come
with a lot of stress.
Shit!
- What's wrong?
- I'm stupid.
I didn't, like, think
about the orientation,
so I'm gonna flip some of them.
God... damn it.
When I turned 18,
I was diagnosed
with borderline
personality disorder.
Like, my brain doesn't
feel like one brain.
It's, like, shattered
in a bunch of pieces.
There's this evil part
that, like, hurts me
and does this bad stuff,
and then there's something
that takes care of me
so that I don't die.
But I also feel
outside of myself
and I feel like
I kind of just experience this
where I'm just kind of
watching it happen.
After this,
we should just, like,
smoke weed and eat food
and be chill.
I feel like a gerbil.
Stuck in a cage?
[ Sirens blaring ]
Maddie: Like, if you go on the
Internet and you, like, Google,
like, "borderline
personality disorder,"
all the, like, articles
that come up are like,
"I dated a girl with
borderline personality disorder,
and it was the worst!"
♪♪
I recently bought, like,...
500 spiders on Amazon.
I'm like, "... yeah,
I've got to put spiders
...everywhere."
I just bought, like,
a... power drill.
I just started just...
drilling holes in everything,
and I was like,
"...! This is, like, art."
And I was, like,
fostering this dog,
and I put, like,
paint on his feet,
and I was like, "Moofie, you've
got to... paint, too."
Like, "I want you to paint."
And he was just like, "Don't."
Like, I don't know
why I did that.
Man:
I've never been here.
I feel like there's
other people in my head.
I feel like I try really hard
to relate to people
and I don't do it
in the right ways.
And it's never gonna go away.
I still feel, like,
scared and upset,
but, like, at least it's, like,
when I acknowledge
those things kind of in a way
that's, like, playful
or feel like I'm in control,
it, like, kind of cuts away
some of the, like, terror.
Dr. Narasimhan: Borderline personality
disorder is a mental illness
where people have trouble
regulating their moods.
Constant mood swings.
Dr. Narasimhan: They have trouble
regulating their behavior.
I, like, see myself doing stuff
or, like, saying things,
and I'm like, "Why the...
are you doing that?"
Dr. Narasimhan: Oftentimes, they have
issues with their own self-image.
Maddie: I'll look in the mirror,
and I'll see, like,
an evil monster or an old lady.
Dr. Narasimhan: And this is the pattern.
This is a repetitive pattern.
♪♪
Maddie: I've always, like,
since I was really little,
had the, like, urge
to hurt myself.
I've tried to...
kill myself so many times.
I've tried it - like,
I've done all this crazy shit.
This one was when, like,
I almost cut to my tendon.
Which would have sucked
'cause, like, I'm a righty.
I got, like, banned
from going in the kitchen
because I just,
like, drank bleach.
Like, I just grabbed a bottle
and started drinking bleach.
I, like, stopped eating
and drinking completely,
and I, like, refused to
until I, like, forgot my name.
Then they took me
to the hospital.
Have you ever looked
at yourself like
a good friend or a best friend?
Like, what would you
say to yourself?
I would not want to be
friends with myself. Really?
Yeah, I'm, like,
the worst. Like...
How are - Explain that to me...
...I'm like so...
...'cause I'm talking to you
now, right now,
and, like, you seem
incredibly likable.
So tell me what makes you -
I mean, that's what happens.
I, like, trick everybody.
People get tricked.
And that's why I'll make friends
and they'll be gone
within a few months, because -
Well, what happens?
What happens that they go away?
[ Voice breaking ]
I don't know.
Mm-hmm.
[ Sniffling ]
O0 C1 Paris: I've definitely
struggled with anxiety before,
but I won't pretend to know
what Maddie is going through.
We all have our battles,
and some are worse than others.
All I can do is help tell
her story for others to hear.
Sometimes this life
can take a toll on you
and it becomes too much.
The bravest thing to do
when you're struggling
is to ask for help.
As lonely as this city can be,
it's important to remember
that people are going through
the same thing as you.
No matter how hard it gets,
always remember
that you're not alone.
It's a sunny day in Los Angeles.
The sun is up, shining,
and it's a perfect day
to resent all your friends.
Someone just told me
on Instagram
that I looked like this one
meth-head girl from "Intervention."
And I was like,
"Please stop." [ Laughs ] Oh, no.
...rude.
Just because we're both
blond and disheveled.
[ Laughter ]
How are you feeling
about the show tonight?
I'm feeling a little
nervous, slash...
Yeah, that's the move.
That's the remedy
to your nerves.
I'm better now.
♪♪
[ Distorted voices
and laughter ]
[ Laughing ]
This is so... weird.
I think I smoked
too much weed for this.
[ Laughter ]
I've had, like, times where
I've heard, like, crying sounds,
like, kids crying,
and then, like,
sometimes I'll hear my name,
which is stressful.
Wait, did someone say my name?
Ka5sh: No.
God.
Sorry. I'm just gonna
go outside.
[ Maddie crying ]
I think, like,
people always are like,
"Oh, you're gonna find
the right people, like,
who you get along with
and who care about you."
That dress looks so good.
I love the pearls.
Maddie: And, like, that might be
true, but I know that, like,
when things start to become bad
that I was the problem.
So it doesn't matter,
like, who I find,
if it's the right people
or what.
I'll still, like,... that up.
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
@coolslutsclub: The show only
started just a little bit ago.
So far, I think
it's really good.
Like, we have a bunch
of people from Instagram
that we all kind of knew
from various, like, group chats,
and so it's really cool
to see them out here.
Thank you. Thank you.
I appreciate it.
Ka5sh: I know she's, like,
really nervous
just 'cause it's her first,
like, art show.
I think she's really
excited still.
Thank you so much.
Cool.
Everyone's hugging me today.
It's good.
[ Laughs ]
Ka5sh: She wanted to separate
her memes from her actual art.
She views them differently -
not that she doesn't
take one less seriously
than the other one,
but she wanted
to showcase her art.
When I see this, I'm thinking
of, you know, Jesus,
and he's, uh...
What did he do
when he got on the cross?
I actually don't remember.
Man: I like this one.
It has a lot of movement to it.
It's very strange.
I like that.
@coolslutsclub: This has been very
stressful, but also really exciting.
I think that, honestly,
after this,
it'll be a lot of,
like, decompression.
[ Laughs ]
'Cause this has been
a little bit high-stress.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
♪♪
Dr. Narasimhan:
It sounds to me
that the biggest challenges
right now, for you,
is the moods
when they get really low,
like when you feel
kind of lonely and empty...
Mm-hmm.
...and, um,
hopeless, at times.
And then it's a struggle
feeling connected to people
and securing those connections.
What?
Sounds like those are the two
biggest things you deal with.
[ Sniffles ]
♪♪
Do you feel like people
can change at any time in life?
Like, they can work
on certain things
and change things
about themselves
or how they interact
with the world
or look at the world?
In general, yeah.
People can change.
Have you heard when people say,
"I'm not the same person
I was 10 years ago
or 15 years ago.
I'm a different version"?
Yeah.
Would it seem credible to you
if I or someone else
were to say,
"I actually have
a lot of hope for you"?
Could you believe it?
It's not like I haven't tried.
Like - Like,
I tried really hard.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[ Voice breaking ]
I don't want to be like this.
Like, my life is miserable.
[ Sniffles ]
Like, if I was gonna change,
like, why aren't I?
I've... tried to change
a lot of times.
[ Crying ]
[ Sniffles ]
But, like...
It's not like - It's not like
I want to be like this.
Mm.
[ Sniffles ]
O0 C1 Paris: Maddie's posts,
sometimes they're funny,
and then, other times,
I can tell
that she's going through
something
and she seems like
she's in a lot of pain.
But I think she also has
a brilliant mind,
and I see something
really special in her.
♪♪
Dr. Narasimhan: Are you ever able
to look at yourself with compassion?
Like, are you ever able to say,
"Hey, I'm struggling
with my mood"?
You know, "I'm trying
to create a career."
♪♪
I have nothing more to say
about this, I feel like.
Yeah.
I just came here,
and I was upset.
I don't know.
I just felt upset.
Like, I always feel sad
after, like, things happen
that are like -
like, big, I guess -
like, things that are, like,
supposed to be big events.
It's, like, afterwards,
it's like, "Ohhhh."
Like, I felt like
there was, like...
...someone, like...
telling me, like, bad things.
But it was, like, so disturbing
'cause that was, like,
all that I could, like,
hear in my head.
Just that, like,
everyone, like, hates me
and that, like,
no one actually, like, cares
and that, like, everyone's
lying to me all the time
and that, like...
everyone would be, like,
happier if I died.
Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
Can I - Can you just -
can you take a break
for a second?
♪♪
[ Drawer opens, closes ]
♪♪
Dr. Narasimhan: Sometimes,
when we are in a low mood
or we look at life
in a certain way,
our perceptions aren't
always accurate.
Like, you can see yourself
as somebody
who hasn't achieved much
or hasn't succeeded,
but the reality could be -
and in your case,
you have achieved things
that a lot of other people
have not achieved.
Are you able to see that?
♪♪
♪ Dark bird flies
above the land of dreams ♪
♪ Silent flight
above the shadowed streams ♪
♪ Land of crystal waters
poured ♪
♪ Flows onto... ♪
Paris: I love going on Instagram
and seeing people
express themselves
through art and memes.
I've been noticing
some of the kids using it
to talk about their problems,
and other kids who have
the same issues
are reacting
in the Comments section.
It kind of works like
group therapy, I guess.
I'm a very sensitive person,
so anytime someone's upset
and I know about it,
it'll affect me
throughout the day.
After all, we're all human.
♪♪
My name is Maddie Knight.
I was born in New Jersey.
I had a lot of, like,
instability.
I just - I think I partially
was just, like,
born really,
like, kind of neurotic.
[ Camera shutter clicks ]
Photographer: Cute.
[ Camera shutter clicking ]
I used to get really, really
scared or really upset,
to the point where it'd be,
like, out of control,
and I didn't really know
how to handle it.
They would just, like,
ignore me.
I think I would just panic
and I felt like I was gonna die
if no one, like, was around me,
and I was so scared to be alone.
No one would respond to me,
so I'd just start - I would
start, like, hurting myself
so that they would maybe,
like, come help me.
♪♪
[ Cellphone ringing ]
[ Ringing continues ]
My therapist texted me and was
like, "Are you gonna call me?"
I'm pretty sure she's trying to,
like, therapy break up with me.
It's kind of a bummer to get
rejected by, like, a therapist.
It's like, "Ah, ...," like...
[ Laughs ]
Like, out of the -
like, right off the bat,
like, probably,
like, three or four,
but, like, I've seen
a lot of different therapists.
[ Elevator bell dings ]
♪♪
Dr. Narasimhan: I understand
you moved to L. A. recently?
Yeah, um, it was really hard
to find a therapist.
Kind of hard to find people
who work with, like,
borderline and with,
like, trauma stuff.
It just ends up being
kind of tricky.
I had the same thing in Chicago,
where it's, like,
even after meeting with
people, they were like,
"Oh, I just don't think
this is a good fit."
What brought you
to L. A.?
Um, school.
I transferred to Otis.
And Otis is a school
of design or...?
Yeah, art and design.
I applied there 'cause
I wanted to live in L. A.
♪♪
I'm rarely on time.
I'm not the greatest driver.
[ Horns honking, blaring,
engine revving ]
Oop.
♪♪
I don't really know a lot
of people at this school yet,
'cause I just transferred
last semester,
and I, like, only took
three classes last semester
because I had to withdraw
from a lot
'cause I just wasn't doing good,
and, like, like, I was just,
like, too, like, discombobulated
and, like, depressed to,
like, do all the work.
You know, I usually find
that people who have, like,
an aptitude in one kind of art
do a lot of different
kinds of art, as well.
So do you do
other things, as well?
Um...
♪♪
I started, like, an Instagram
where I made memes
about being crazy.
"How to make it seem like
your life is cool and exciting
when secretly you are really
just hanging on by a thread
and are barely able to
take care of yourself."
"Replace intimacy with food.
Why crying
and eating ice cream sandwiches
in a Walgreens parking lot
at 4:00 a. m.
is better than hearing someone
say that they love you."
I honestly don't know why
Cosmo hasn't hired me yet.
[ Bizet's "Habanera" plays ]
Memes for me are just, like,
a way of making fun
of my problems.
...it.
[ Whirring ]
I feel like it's easier for
other people to connect to me
when I'm being funny,
versus when I'm being serious.
[ Music continues ]
Walking to pick up my lithium
at the Walgreens on Vine Street.
I take medication.
I take mood stabilizers.
I love seeing my name
in the shining light.
Hey, what's up, YouTubers?
I'm about to unbox this lithium.
As you can see, it comes
in a nice orange container,
a nice, crisp, white cap
that says "Walgreens."
As you can see, it says
"lithium carbonate,
300-milligram capsules."
I'm gonna pour out
three of the pills.
I'm gonna go ahead and pop
all three in my mouth.
[ Music continues ]
[ Muffled ] I put them under my tongue
'cause I don't want to taste it.
[ Music continues ]
And now I feel great.
Yeah. I guess
I'm mostly nervous about it.
Ka5sh: Hello.
Maddie:
Hi. What's up?
Nothing.
Are you on your way?
'Cause I've been here
for, like -
oh, like, 30, 40 minutes.
I've been waiting.
Yeah, we're on the way.
Ka5sh and I are
pretty close friends.
I think he's, like,
my best friend.
Ka5sh:
We met through Instagram.
She likes the same kind
of, like,
fringe Internet humor as me.
♪ Man, I'm depressed ♪
♪ Man, I'm depressed, baby ♪
♪ Man, I'm depressed ♪
♪ I'm depressed, babe ♪
♪ Well, I'm depressed ♪
And she's, like, super weird
in a way that I've never met.
I just look out for her
and stuff.
Is this the place?
Ka5sh: We're, like,
Instagram artists.
What is Instagram?
Um... [ Laughs ]
It says
"Me watching my life become
more and more unmanageable
and out of control,
from the comfort of the hole
that I dug myself into."
So you made this?
[ Laughing ] Yes.
The joke is,
her life is in shambles.
[ Both laugh ]
[ Laughter ]
Scary?
So, um...
♪♪
It's weird to explain
that this is a joke to people.
Yeah. More like, "You should
probably get help."
Yeah.
[ Laughs ]
Maddie's art
is really different,
especially for, like,
people her age.
They'd probably be doing,
like, pop-culture shit.
But hers is, like,
really abstract and different,
and, like, at first,
I didn't get it
'cause I was, like,
"You make memes.
You're also making,
like, weird art
that I assume that,
like, old white people
would like and buy."
But it's, like, it's tight.
I get it.
I feel the emotion
behind what she does.
Oh, sick.
A phone.
How do you dial Instagram?
Hello? Can I please
speak to Instagram?
Operator, I'm just trying
to send a meme to Instagram
on this phone, here.
Get Instagram on the phone
right now!
Or there's gonna
be a big problem!
Do you know how important I am?
I'm a meme star!
[ Laughs ]
ODr. Narasimhan: mhan: So, what's it been
like, moving from Chicago to Los Angeles?
I guess, like, in a way,
I kind of thought, like,
going to this, like, school,
I was, like,
maybe it's gonna be, like,
a little bit better
and I think I've noticed
that a lot of it,
for me, still does feel the same
and that wouldn't ever change,
no matter, like, where I live.
Hmm.
Like, whether I live in L. A.
or Antarctica or whatever.
Hmm.
♪♪
Dr. Narasimhan: A lot of people move
to Los Angeles pursuing a dream,
and such creative passion
can come with its challenges.
It can be incredibly
rewarding and fulfilling
when things are going well,
and it can also be stressful
when there's a lot of rejection,
or it's not being acknowledged.
So that can come
with a lot of stress.
Shit!
- What's wrong?
- I'm stupid.
I didn't, like, think
about the orientation,
so I'm gonna flip some of them.
God... damn it.
When I turned 18,
I was diagnosed
with borderline
personality disorder.
Like, my brain doesn't
feel like one brain.
It's, like, shattered
in a bunch of pieces.
There's this evil part
that, like, hurts me
and does this bad stuff,
and then there's something
that takes care of me
so that I don't die.
But I also feel
outside of myself
and I feel like
I kind of just experience this
where I'm just kind of
watching it happen.
After this,
we should just, like,
smoke weed and eat food
and be chill.
I feel like a gerbil.
Stuck in a cage?
[ Sirens blaring ]
Maddie: Like, if you go on the
Internet and you, like, Google,
like, "borderline
personality disorder,"
all the, like, articles
that come up are like,
"I dated a girl with
borderline personality disorder,
and it was the worst!"
♪♪
I recently bought, like,...
500 spiders on Amazon.
I'm like, "... yeah,
I've got to put spiders
...everywhere."
I just bought, like,
a... power drill.
I just started just...
drilling holes in everything,
and I was like,
"...! This is, like, art."
And I was, like,
fostering this dog,
and I put, like,
paint on his feet,
and I was like, "Moofie, you've
got to... paint, too."
Like, "I want you to paint."
And he was just like, "Don't."
Like, I don't know
why I did that.
Man:
I've never been here.
I feel like there's
other people in my head.
I feel like I try really hard
to relate to people
and I don't do it
in the right ways.
And it's never gonna go away.
I still feel, like,
scared and upset,
but, like, at least it's, like,
when I acknowledge
those things kind of in a way
that's, like, playful
or feel like I'm in control,
it, like, kind of cuts away
some of the, like, terror.
Dr. Narasimhan: Borderline personality
disorder is a mental illness
where people have trouble
regulating their moods.
Constant mood swings.
Dr. Narasimhan: They have trouble
regulating their behavior.
I, like, see myself doing stuff
or, like, saying things,
and I'm like, "Why the...
are you doing that?"
Dr. Narasimhan: Oftentimes, they have
issues with their own self-image.
Maddie: I'll look in the mirror,
and I'll see, like,
an evil monster or an old lady.
Dr. Narasimhan: And this is the pattern.
This is a repetitive pattern.
♪♪
Maddie: I've always, like,
since I was really little,
had the, like, urge
to hurt myself.
I've tried to...
kill myself so many times.
I've tried it - like,
I've done all this crazy shit.
This one was when, like,
I almost cut to my tendon.
Which would have sucked
'cause, like, I'm a righty.
I got, like, banned
from going in the kitchen
because I just,
like, drank bleach.
Like, I just grabbed a bottle
and started drinking bleach.
I, like, stopped eating
and drinking completely,
and I, like, refused to
until I, like, forgot my name.
Then they took me
to the hospital.
Have you ever looked
at yourself like
a good friend or a best friend?
Like, what would you
say to yourself?
I would not want to be
friends with myself. Really?
Yeah, I'm, like,
the worst. Like...
How are - Explain that to me...
...I'm like so...
...'cause I'm talking to you
now, right now,
and, like, you seem
incredibly likable.
So tell me what makes you -
I mean, that's what happens.
I, like, trick everybody.
People get tricked.
And that's why I'll make friends
and they'll be gone
within a few months, because -
Well, what happens?
What happens that they go away?
[ Voice breaking ]
I don't know.
Mm-hmm.
[ Sniffling ]
O0 C1 Paris: I've definitely
struggled with anxiety before,
but I won't pretend to know
what Maddie is going through.
We all have our battles,
and some are worse than others.
All I can do is help tell
her story for others to hear.
Sometimes this life
can take a toll on you
and it becomes too much.
The bravest thing to do
when you're struggling
is to ask for help.
As lonely as this city can be,
it's important to remember
that people are going through
the same thing as you.
No matter how hard it gets,
always remember
that you're not alone.
It's a sunny day in Los Angeles.
The sun is up, shining,
and it's a perfect day
to resent all your friends.
Someone just told me
on Instagram
that I looked like this one
meth-head girl from "Intervention."
And I was like,
"Please stop." [ Laughs ] Oh, no.
...rude.
Just because we're both
blond and disheveled.
[ Laughter ]
How are you feeling
about the show tonight?
I'm feeling a little
nervous, slash...
Yeah, that's the move.
That's the remedy
to your nerves.
I'm better now.
♪♪
[ Distorted voices
and laughter ]
[ Laughing ]
This is so... weird.
I think I smoked
too much weed for this.
[ Laughter ]
I've had, like, times where
I've heard, like, crying sounds,
like, kids crying,
and then, like,
sometimes I'll hear my name,
which is stressful.
Wait, did someone say my name?
Ka5sh: No.
God.
Sorry. I'm just gonna
go outside.
[ Maddie crying ]
I think, like,
people always are like,
"Oh, you're gonna find
the right people, like,
who you get along with
and who care about you."
That dress looks so good.
I love the pearls.
Maddie: And, like, that might be
true, but I know that, like,
when things start to become bad
that I was the problem.
So it doesn't matter,
like, who I find,
if it's the right people
or what.
I'll still, like,... that up.
♪♪
[ Indistinct conversations ]
@coolslutsclub: The show only
started just a little bit ago.
So far, I think
it's really good.
Like, we have a bunch
of people from Instagram
that we all kind of knew
from various, like, group chats,
and so it's really cool
to see them out here.
Thank you. Thank you.
I appreciate it.
Ka5sh: I know she's, like,
really nervous
just 'cause it's her first,
like, art show.
I think she's really
excited still.
Thank you so much.
Cool.
Everyone's hugging me today.
It's good.
[ Laughs ]
Ka5sh: She wanted to separate
her memes from her actual art.
She views them differently -
not that she doesn't
take one less seriously
than the other one,
but she wanted
to showcase her art.
When I see this, I'm thinking
of, you know, Jesus,
and he's, uh...
What did he do
when he got on the cross?
I actually don't remember.
Man: I like this one.
It has a lot of movement to it.
It's very strange.
I like that.
@coolslutsclub: This has been very
stressful, but also really exciting.
I think that, honestly,
after this,
it'll be a lot of,
like, decompression.
[ Laughs ]
'Cause this has been
a little bit high-stress.
[ Indistinct conversations ]
♪♪
Dr. Narasimhan:
It sounds to me
that the biggest challenges
right now, for you,
is the moods
when they get really low,
like when you feel
kind of lonely and empty...
Mm-hmm.
...and, um,
hopeless, at times.
And then it's a struggle
feeling connected to people
and securing those connections.
What?
Sounds like those are the two
biggest things you deal with.
[ Sniffles ]
♪♪
Do you feel like people
can change at any time in life?
Like, they can work
on certain things
and change things
about themselves
or how they interact
with the world
or look at the world?
In general, yeah.
People can change.
Have you heard when people say,
"I'm not the same person
I was 10 years ago
or 15 years ago.
I'm a different version"?
Yeah.
Would it seem credible to you
if I or someone else
were to say,
"I actually have
a lot of hope for you"?
Could you believe it?
It's not like I haven't tried.
Like - Like,
I tried really hard.
Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
[ Voice breaking ]
I don't want to be like this.
Like, my life is miserable.
[ Sniffles ]
Like, if I was gonna change,
like, why aren't I?
I've... tried to change
a lot of times.
[ Crying ]
[ Sniffles ]
But, like...
It's not like - It's not like
I want to be like this.
Mm.
[ Sniffles ]
O0 C1 Paris: Maddie's posts,
sometimes they're funny,
and then, other times,
I can tell
that she's going through
something
and she seems like
she's in a lot of pain.
But I think she also has
a brilliant mind,
and I see something
really special in her.
♪♪
Dr. Narasimhan: Are you ever able
to look at yourself with compassion?
Like, are you ever able to say,
"Hey, I'm struggling
with my mood"?
You know, "I'm trying
to create a career."
♪♪
I have nothing more to say
about this, I feel like.
Yeah.
I just came here,
and I was upset.
I don't know.
I just felt upset.
Like, I always feel sad
after, like, things happen
that are like -
like, big, I guess -
like, things that are, like,
supposed to be big events.
It's, like, afterwards,
it's like, "Ohhhh."
Like, I felt like
there was, like...
...someone, like...
telling me, like, bad things.
But it was, like, so disturbing
'cause that was, like,
all that I could, like,
hear in my head.
Just that, like,
everyone, like, hates me
and that, like,
no one actually, like, cares
and that, like, everyone's
lying to me all the time
and that, like...
everyone would be, like,
happier if I died.
Yeah.
[ Sighs ]
Can I - Can you just -
can you take a break
for a second?
♪♪
[ Drawer opens, closes ]
♪♪
Dr. Narasimhan: Sometimes,
when we are in a low mood
or we look at life
in a certain way,
our perceptions aren't
always accurate.
Like, you can see yourself
as somebody
who hasn't achieved much
or hasn't succeeded,
but the reality could be -
and in your case,
you have achieved things
that a lot of other people
have not achieved.
Are you able to see that?
♪♪
♪ Dark bird flies
above the land of dreams ♪
♪ Silent flight
above the shadowed streams ♪
♪ Land of crystal waters
poured ♪
♪ Flows onto... ♪