Hold the Sunset (2018–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Aunty Joan - full transcript

Jack, Phil's gone missing!
I know, Sandra called me.

Oh, no... Auntie Joan!

Oh, hello, Roger.

You look like you've come to stay!

I have never come across anyone as
strange or as unaccountable as you!

Georgie! Hello, Da.

Oh, Jesus!

What you need is something
that's going to make the most

of your natural talents.

Well, this is my house...

..and it's being burgled by zombies.



So, you still haven't sold yet?

No, no. No.
- How come?

Well, it's cursed.

Simple as that. - It's a nice house,
good location, wonderful garden.

OK price.

You've made inquiries?

Yes.
- You might be interested?

Hmm... I could be, yes, I could be.

Good. Well, it's a big house,
you know? I mean, er...

And if you mind my saying so, erm...

..you're no spring chicken.
Well, precisely.

Most of my friends are downsizing,
which makes it impossible to resist

going in the opposite direction.

Mm, well, if it's
perversity you're after...



..I could always double the price?
Splendid! Very decent of you.

Yeah, and there's lots of stairs
for when you get old and doddery.

That's the sort of thing.
And when you're in a wheelchair,

it'll be a nightmare. - Now
you're really whetting my appetite.

Oh, me too. So, do you want, erm...

..to inspect the premises?

Ah, yes, I'd love to, but perhaps
later in the week, is that OK?

Yeah, yeah, sure. Give me a call.

I wouldn't, er... wouldn't like you
to think you were getting a bargain.

Phil? Hm?

It's nice to have you back.

Any sign of Joan?

I heard her go in the
bathroom about half an hour ago.

Yes, she's awfully fond of the
bathroom.

She blames it on the war.

She says she spent it looking
for a "comfortable lavatory".

What rubbish!

She was three when the war ended.

And they were living with Gran in
a very comfortable house in Fife.

Oh, that's what she said.

I think it's what's known as
a false memory, or as we say,

a load of old cobblers.

I think I should tell you,
she's changing her will...

..and leaving everything to me.

I've lost track of the number of
people she's changed her will for.

Morning, Queenie. Morning, Phil.

M-m-mwah!

Do you want me to stay in the
kitchen and get on your nerves?

Or shall I make a start
in the sitting room?

The latter, please. Righty-ho!

Just so we have a frank and
open understanding about it.

Always helpful.

I discovered that when I was in
marriage counselling in Tasmania.

Ah, that was a turning point
in world history, wasn't it?

Mm, well, I'm glad
you're better. Better?

Oh, you're referring to my little
bout of temporary, prolonged,

inexplicable memory loss, right?

Yes, I'd forgotten all about that.

Thank you. Thank you for
reminding me. Yes, I am better.

Better than I think I was, erm...

..what was your name again?
See, that's what I like about Phil...

He's always got a sense of humour!

Even in adversity.

Like now.

At least she clears off these days.

Got something right.

Yes, I pay her extra to do that.

So, where's Joan?

In the bathroom. - Well, that gives
us a couple of hours on our own.

Now, the good news....

Dugdale... is interested.

In the house?!Yes!

Really? Did he say that?!Really!

Hee-hee!

Ah, now, what's the bad news?

The bad news is the surveyor's
report. We've got dry rot

in the roof timbers.

Oh, Phil!

Dry rot.

That was quick.
- What was?

Never mind.

Oh, dear... Dry rot
- that's not a good sign, is it?

No, you could say that.
- No mention of death-watch beetle?

Very hard to spot.

Well, that's probably why
there's no mention of it.

You're never going to sell that
house, are you? It's jinxed.

No, you're right.

And I think that you and
your coven put a curse on it.

Tea? Toast?

Are there any kippers?

Kippers? You don't like kippers.

I love kippers!

When we went to Whitby, we all
had kippers every day. Except you.

Well, one's tastes change as
one gets older, don't they?

Yes. Yes, they do.

When I was young, I used to love
raw whale blubber and apricot jam,

and now I can't even THINK of
it without wanting to throw up.

Phil! Hm?

If you're going out for kippers,
we need some lavatory paper,

preferably not the kind
impregnated with lanolin.

It brings me out in a rash.
Right, I'm off.

Bye!

Edith, are you sure about Phil?
What do you mean?

Well, I mean, selling up
and going away and all that.

Is it wise? Is he a reliable man?

Phil is the most
reliable man I've ever met.

The ones who convince you of that
are usually the most untrustworthy.

Not Phil. - What if you change
your mind when you get there,

wherever it is you're going,
and you've burnt all your boats?

What if you decide you can't
stand the sight of each other?

Joan, you're envious!

No way! He's not my type at all.

I just want you to think
carefully before it's too late.

You know I've always looked
after you, Edith. - News to me!

I'm going to see my solicitor next
week.

I intend to change my will
and leave you everything...

Joan, please, not again! ..before I die.

I don't want you to leave me
anything!

I don't need it, I don't
want it, and nobody's dying!

Have it your way, you always
do, but remember, you can

always change your mind.

If I'm spared.

So this is the only way on to it?
What about cars? Oh, you're kidding!

It's just a bunch of artists and
hippies

and I'm in somebody's garden.

Wow! This is great!

Much better than your last place.

Oh, bags better.

He's going to be back
at the end of the month,

so I'll be moving along again.

I could be really happy if I
lived in a place like this.

What's up, Roger?

Do you think Georgie's ever coming
back?

I mean, she just disappeared.
That's Georgie for you.

Oh, you're not sweet
on her, are you? No.

She's a great kid, but you know,
you'd be better off taking up

skydiving without a parachute, trust me!

Phil's got dry rot.

Is it itchy?

No, no, in his roof.

The surveyor's report, yeah.
He's never going to sell it now.

I could give him a bit of
advice on that, you know,

for a consideration, save him a few bob.

I don't think he's going to
listen to you, Bob. - You tell him.

Tell him what? He hasn't got dry rot.
The surveyor wants a bribe.

You're telling me there's
no such thing as dry rot?

Well, it's very rare these days.
Unlike bribery and corruption.

So you think that Phil should
give the surveyor a bribe?

If he wants to get over
this particular hurdle

and sell his house, aye!

But what if this is one
of these rare occasions

when there actually is dry rot
and Phil offers him a bribe?

What's the problem? He's going
to get into trouble, isn't he?

I don't believe it. Don't believe what?

That it's all a trick and
the surveyor wants a bribe.

How much do you want to bet? A fiver.

See, you don't look very
confident. Let's make it 20.

How can we tell, anyway,
one way or the other?

Just go and have a look.
- What? In Phil's roof? You're kidding!

I don't even know what
dry rot looks like. Do you?

Aye, the timber gets all crumbly
and anyway, you won't find any.

And then, you just go and tell
Phil that it's a bribery situation

and he rewards you handsomely
for saving him a packet.

You always make it sound so easy.

It is, Roger,
if you've got the confidence!

Joan, how are you?

Trying to make the best I can
of it. You look well to me.

Then you need your eyes tested.

Is Edith here?
She just popped round to the shops.

She'll be back in a minute.
Well, I am a bit early.

You're looking so much
better since you left Roger.

Oh, well, he left me actually.
But yes, um, now we're divorced,

yes, things are better.
I always felt so sorry for you.

Oh? Being married to that little twerp.
- Yes, well...

How can you have failed
to notice within two

minutes of meeting him that
he was a total train wreck?

Are you saying that I have
no one to blame but myself?

I am constantly amazed by what
women are prepared to put up with

by way of husbands.
Roger was scarcely house-trained!

Yes, well, he wasn't perfect,
but it wasn't all bad.

I mean, he had some
good points and, well,

we were young and inexperienced.
Yes, and he took advantage of you.

We were happy for a
few years, really happy.

Well, I suppose you had to lie to
yourself. - Sometimes, it was fun.

Until it wasn't.

I'm going to have to go.

Well I'm seeing my solicitor next
week. - Oh?

Mm, I'm going to leave
you something in my will.

Oh, Joan, um, that's really
kind of you, but I don't...

No, it's only right,
under the circumstances.

Finally! Oh!
- Better late than never!

Sorry. Got stuck in a queue.

I've just got here.

Kippers!

Oh, good.

Right, Wendy, good to see you,

finally looking happy!

Cuppa?

Oh, Wendy!

I've just been remembering some
good times with Roger. - Oh, really?

Yeah, took me by surprise, too!

How are you, Edith? - Oh, I'm very
well. And what about you?

Sandra tells me you're writing a
children's book. - Trying to, yes!

And you're visiting the zoo a lot?
Yes, for research. - What's it about?

Um, well, I'm not entirely sure yet,
but I think it's going to be

about a family of animals that
are struggling to make their way

through life and trying to
make sense of everything,

but realising that they haven't
got a clue and never will!

Sounds a bit like us!

Does it? Oh, no! No, no, no, not at all.

Gosh, no!

Wendy has no business
bothering you about me.

Is that why she came round?

No. She still pops in now and again.

And we were just talking about
this and that and it came up.

What did? The fact that
she's a bit worried about you.

And now she's got you worried about
me! - Well, that's what mums are for.

She is a pest! I've been bending
over backwards to help her.

And she's very grateful.
But now, she wants to help you.

She says you've got a permanent
cough and

that you look miserable and exhausted.

And late one night, she found you
in the salon, crying. - Snoring!

I was asleep! And I was snoring.

I don't think Wendy knows
how bloody hard I work!

Nor, it seems, the difference
between crying and snoring!

Sandra, stop.

It's not just Wendy.
Give me some credit.

Something's making you unhappy.

I'm thinking about getting a dog.

A dog?

For company.

Isn't that a bit... second best?

Yes, it is.

But I haven't got room for a horse.

Another slice? No, thank you.

Well, I'm going to. It's rather good.

And that's another thing.
- What is?

Nothing.

Mum,

I'm keeping up my weight

so that there's no need for you to
worry about me getting too thin.

I'm not worried.
Things will sort themselves out.

I just want you to be happy, that's all.
- I know.

Oh, hello, Jack! Hi, Edith, Sandra.

Wow! Bertie has grown
since I last saw him.

He has and he's still at it.
I can hardly get him in the car now.

I'm on the lookout for a small bus!

He's a gorgeous woofer,
aren't you? Beautiful woofer!

Sandra's thinking of getting a dog.

Oh, really?

Well, it's just a thought.

What sort of breed?

I haven't quite decided.

All I know is that I'm not
awfully keen on the type that

wave their tails in the air,
you know, and display their bums.

Don't they all do that?!

Yes, well, you're
eliminating quite a few there.

Well, I must be off.
Phil's expecting me. Ooh! Come on.

Come on now.

Sit down. - I'll leave you two to
discuss woofers! Bye! Bye, Edith.

Mum?

I'll call you.

God, I must... I must get going, too.

Yes, you must be busy.

In the swim.

Unlike me. Man of leisure.

Don't you miss it, medicine?

Making a real difference?

Saving lives?

I suppose when I first
retired, I did a bit, but...

yes, and sometimes I miss it now,

but, you know, it didn't
take me long to realise

that my contribution
to the nation's welfare

was very limited. - Aw!
You're being modest. - Not at all, no.

I think that most people get ill

because they're either
lonely or unhappy. - Oh.

Well, how do you fix that, then?

That's a good question.

Make sure they've got a bit of cash.
Hope that the sun comes out.

I mean, there are no easy answers,
are there? Pet therapy.

Ah, well, now you're talking.
Yes, pet therapy.

Well, um, we're usually
here about this time,

if you happen to be passing.
If you fancy a bit of pet therapy,

I'm sure that Bertie will
be delighted to see you.

Great.

Well, um, see you.

In the meantime, I'll make a
list of those breeds that, um,

don't go around with
their tails in the air.

Thank you very much!

Bertie!

Bertie, what are you doing?

You go back to Jack.

I think he's taken a
shine to you. Come on.

Come on now, there's a good boy. Bye.

No.

Your sister tells me she's
going to change her will

and leave everything to me.
And what did you say? Well, nothing.

Do you think I should
have resisted a bit?

You know, shilly-shallied for a
while for the sake of decorum?

No.

I assume she's already promised it
to Roger and Sandra? And Queenie?

Queenie?! She's not even
a member of the family!

You'll have to challenge
that in the courts.

I'm seeing my solicitor tomorrow. Good.

Who the hell's that?

It's Ann Renfrew.
- Who?

She's a debt collector.

Debt collector?

Are we in debt?
Not that... It's that bloody Roger!

Round my way, we hide when
the debt collector comes

and pretend we're out.
Not for Roger, we don't.

I'm sorry to disturb you,
but is Mrs Joan Allen living here? Joan?

Oh, dear!

Are you sure he's not here?
Yeah, yeah. He's at Mum's.

Now, Bob, you just stay down there.
You're still meant to be taking

things easy. Just, um, leave it to me.
- OK, Captain!

Oh, what you doing?

Ah! No Bertie? Not a huge fan of
the house tour. - Ah, okey-doke.

Come on in.

See? Nothing.

Absolutely nothing.

Wait a minute.
What's that dark patch over there?

Oh, a bit of wet rot from way back.

Nothing to worry about.
They fixed that years ago.

Another enormous room.

Vital for the ballooning heating bill.

You'll have to take a new job.

I would. It could be the making of me.

Thank you.

There we are.

Now, that's Deirdre.
She comes with the house. - Ah!

In fact, the buyer will have to
sign a contract agreeing to keep

her here for the rest of her life

and in the style to which
she has become accustomed.

Oh. - In fact,
the asking price is for the cat.

The house comes free with it.
Sounds very reasonable. - Mm. Now...

..your dog.
- Ah!

I'm sure he'll be in awe of her,
but if she condescends occasionally

to be nice to him,
even gives him modicum of respect,

I'm sure they'll get
on very well indeed.

Now, she likes prawns
with surprisingly large

quantities of mayonnaise.

Right, I'll give you a
tour of the upstairs now.

Ah, what's that?

Watch where you're putting your feet!

Like a crab, not like a prima ballerina!

Here's one more not very
cosy and rather pokey bedroom.

Sshh!

What?

It's Phil.
- Argh!

How many is that? I've lost count.
- Downstairs.

This is what estate agents insist
on calling the master bedroom.

Good God!

Oh, Roger!

You numpty!

And there's a very good view of
the road over there, obviously,

number 32.Lovely.

And this... is a very
interesting feature.

Yes, yes, and a perfect opportunity
for me to introduce you to my

future stepson.

Morning, Roger!

There's no-one up here called Roger.

Really? No-one!

I'm a workman.

Methuselah!

Who's up there with you?

Methuselah?

Someone who says he's
definitely not a Roger.

Promise me you won't tell Mum?

Yes, yes.
- Thank you.

You know what this means, don't you? Mm?

I'm going to have to raise the price.

Oh, that seems more than reasonable.
Do the legs come with the house?

Your mum seems a bit worried about you.
- Mum worries for England!

What did she say about me? Nothing,
truly, just an impression. - Right.

She's an exceptionally good
woman, your mum. - Mm, I know.

Do you see each other often?
Once or twice a week.

Speak on the phone most days.

And how do you feel about her going?

Well, whatever makes her happy.

You'll miss her.

I will.

It's beginning to get
you down, isn't it,

the thought of her not being here?

Yeah.

Yes, it is.

Bertie? There.

Pet therapy.

Oh, Bertie!

Such a fuss about nothing.

Is £4,327 nothing?

In the general scheme of things.

In the general scheme of
things, it wasn't your money.

Well, I've paid it now.
- No, no. I've paid it now.

Joan, you got us really worried.

How can you go for a whole year
without opening any of your post?

Well, most of it's junk.

And I like to keep my house tidy.
What? By chucking it all away?!

It just got mixed up.
It's a horrible job. - What is?

Debt collecting.

I tried it once. - In Tasmania?
- Yeah, how did you guess?

I lasted ten days.
I couldn't get the threat level right.

That's what they call it
- the threat level.

I was trained, it was all
very clever, psychological, but

then I'd go round and threaten
some poor unfortunate and they'd

just laugh at me.

After a bit, I started laughing, too.

They gave me the sack.

Lots of sunshine in Tasmania.

Absolutely no!
No one's going to Tasmania!

Roger! What's happened?

A road accident.
I got knocked over on a zebra crossing.

You've been to the hospital?
Yes. Yes, it's nothing serious.

Did anyone call the police?
I don't think so.

So, nothing serious,
but being knocked over

on a zebra crossing sounds serious.
It was a milk float. - A milk float?

Oh!

Got its number? No.

Oh. Why not?

It was too fast.

It was going too fast.
- Yeah, it was a runaway milk float.

Ah! A hit and run milk float!

Oh, I see. Any witnesses?

Could I have a cup of tea, please,
Mum? Yes. Queenie? Oh, sit down.

So, no witnesses and where was this?
I was somewhere in town.

Somewhere in town where all
the witnesses had been poisoned

by Russian holidaymakers?

Phil! Phil, he's in shock! Look at him!

Yes, they said I had
to go straight to bed.

Phil! You could see the state he was in.
You were a bit rough with him.

Edith, erm, something happened
today that I didn't tell you about.

Um, Roger fell through
my bedroom ceiling.

Why would he do that?
Oh, I've no idea. Perhaps he got lost.

Maybe he was hiding from
the men in white coats.

Or perhaps it was his expression
of his existentialist freedom in

the context of the absurdity
of mankind's place in a

meaningless universe.

Or he's completely lost it!
Or, perhaps, he just lost it.

"Now the lemmings' coats have finally"

"turned white, a new upper layer
has been added to the lemming maze."

"In fact, a male has to put up
with a lot of feminine hostility,"

"but since it also takes males to
make babies, the male's job..."