Hit-Monkey (2021–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Bright Lights, Big City - full transcript

Where are the rest?

There was no one else, sir.
He was the only one who survived.

There were two dozen
elite soldiers on that mountain!

This wounded lump of shit
is all that's left?

Mon-key!

What the hell does that mean?

I don't know.
He's been saying it since we found him.

- We think that's who attacked him.
A monkey.

Monkeys don't shoot guns!

Monkeys don't even use tools!

Actually, sir, I saw a documentary...



Shut up! Monkey is
a codename, you idiot!

Find this Monkey.

And when you do,

I want him erased
from the face of the goddamn Earth!

Yes, sir!

I know, it's weird, right?

So I'm heading towards this light,
and I'm psyched for my life

to flash before my eyes because,

well, there's a lot of baller shit
in there that I'd love to see, you know.

Especially the adult content. And some
of the bloopers, if I'm being honest.

But I didn't see any of that. Nothing. No.

All I saw was you.

Which is ironic because,
well, I just met you

and I'm pretty sure you hate my guts.



But hey, man, we are linked. You know?

Linked, but in two different realms.

You know what? I'm like Swayze
and you're Demi Moore.

Hello. Ghost?

Okay, not a big rom-com guy, all right.

Oh, oh, I know,
I'm Slimer, and you're Venkman.

Nothing, huh? Seriously? Wow.

Uh, I'm Beetlejuice
and you're Winona Ryder?

Uh, I'm the rotting chick in the bathtub
and you're Jack Nicholson!

I mean, beats me, man, you know,

some ghosts haunt a place.
Some haunt people.

Maybe I'm just forced
to haunt a dumb animal.

I'm just trying to wrap my head around
what the heck's going on with me.

Like, is this Purgatory?

Sitting on top of a train with a monkey
that yells at you the whole time?

That's what I'm trying
to tell you: I can't.

See? This is what I'm talking about.

It's like a ghost-leash.

Regarding you and me, though,
I know I could be very helpful to you.

You know, I know where all
the bodies are buried,

and you, well, um,
I mean, you can learn, right?

Okay, so what's your plan?

You just gonna kill everyone you meet?

Okay!

Yeah, no, suit yourself.

Oh, dude, you are gonna love Tokyo.

Ho ho ho. Hey,
I told you you'd love it here!

Come on, follow me.

If you're into scummy dark places,
I got the perfect spot for you.

No! No, no. Wait, Hiroshi!

Hiroshi...

Clock in
over there if you want to get paid.

That's the vending machine.
Never works.

And here is the famous Lieutenant Ito.

The pride of the department.

- Hmm.
- Lieutenant,

I'd like to introduce you
to your new partner,

- Haruka.
- Hi. Hello.

She comes very highly recommended.

I trust you'll make her feel
right at home.

I'm off duty.

Unless you want to watch me eat.

Oh.

Good luck.

I am very honored
to be working with you, Ito-san.

You talk funny,

- where are you from?
- Oh, Hokkaido.

Actually from an island called Rishiri.

- Never heard of it.
- Not a lot of people know about it.

You can see Russia
from our police station.

I was the number one
police officer in my island.

How many officers in total?

- Two. Including me.
- Hmm.

Orimasta. I'll take a double brandy
and a fish cake.

- Just water.
- Okay, confession time.

What did they tell you about me?

That you're a 20-year
veteran of the force

and that I should listen
and learn from you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
and then there was a "but."

What came after the "but"?

You could have made captain,

but you took a bribe
and it damaged your career.

That you don't follow protocol

and... that you may have
a slight drinking problem.

Yep, that's pretty accurate.

And you're obsessed with trying
to find your partner's killer.

There's no try.

I am going to find the person responsible.

And when I do, I promise you,

I'm not going to arrest them.

What? You want me to arrest them?

No, I'm going to kill them.

Oh.

Got it.

Okay, so this lady was
my only real point of contact.

I say we just play it
old school, you know.

Walk in there, hold a gun to her face,
demand the info.

And remember, the whole goal
is maximum intimidation,

so act like you're a little nuts.

Which, you know, shouldn't be
a problem for you.

Of course it's safe.
No, she's an old-ass lady.

Hey, dude.

They're already sashimi. Let's go.

Ah. Maybe it's her night off.

Or maybe she's dead.

This lady had, like, full-blown
Tuberculosis the last time I saw her.

Just coughing every...
Oh, my God.

Will you look at this?

She's running, like,
15 different Keno games at once.

This chick's like
the Bobby Fischer of Keno.

And evidently supplies
half the guns in Japan.

Oh, shit.

Goddammit!

Hey, there he is!

Okay, clearly I misjudged this chick.

Okay, look, I understand you're having
a very hard time right now.

Can you, uh, maybe work
on some hand signals, you know.

Like sign language? 'Cause the screeching
here is super annoying.

Okay, dude, there's a piece of metal,
like a hook or something for another belt.

If you reach under it,
you might be able to bend it.

Will you look at that!
Opposable thumbs for the win!

Woo! There you go! Jane Goodall would
have shit her khakis if she saw that!

Whoo-hoo!

Oh, you're dead now, rat!

Run!

Here, monkey, monkey, monkey.

You want to play a little hide and seek?

- Keep going, buddy! Keep going!
You got it. Don't look back!

Holy shit! This lady is mean!

There's nowhere to run, little monkey.

- I'm gonna set a pick on her ass!
Keep going, I got ya!

Oh, that's right, I'm a ghost.

I don't need two arms to kill you!

Oh, my God,
she's just gonna play through it.

This woman's nuts!

You're gonna die!

Hey, hey!

- Wow!
- You dickhead!

No!

Help me!

- Help me!
- All right, lady, who do you work for?

Who do you work for?
Oh, shit. She can't hear me.

Hey! Ask her who she works for!

Pull the plug!

Do you really not know
any sign language?

You cock-sucker!

Ewwww-whew-hew-hew.

Okay. Okay. Good effort.

All right, so which half
do you want to interrogate?

Hey! Hey!

Aren't you forgetting something?

It's money. You know, cash.
Moolah. Ducats.

How do I explain this?

Okay, look, you know how sometimes
another monkey has something you want,

like, I don't know, a banana
or a bunch of cocaine?

Well, this is how you get them
to give you that.

Ugh, will you stop
beating yourself up.

I mean, you heard that lady's cough.
She was going to die anyway.

She probably had, like,
an hour to live. Tops.

No, no, it's not blood money.

I mean, yes.
No, it's literally splattered with blood,

yeah, but you earned it, you know.

And now we can use it to find
some place out of the way.

Some place like, um...

Yeah. Du-du-du-du-du. Hmm.

This one has free wi-fi.

Huh?

Well, okay. Oh, here we go.

Oh, yup. Yup.

This is a goddamn nightmare.

Hey, can I get a little help here?

Lame. Why don't you see
what else is on.

Oh. Great.

Hey, this means "thanks a lot."

First sign-language lesson for you.

Hey, I'd be careful
using that hot tub if I were you,

or the next person you'll have
to hunt down is a dermatologist.

Everyone is just devastated
by Ken's untimely passing,

most of all me.

I was looking forward
to beating him at the polls.

This just feels like such a letdown.

I'm sure.

So I'm here to graciously say that
I'm going to stop running ads,

cancel my rallies.

You know, out of respect
for Ken's memory.

Since it's pretty obvious... I've won.

Better luck next time.

What a scumbag!

He wasn't here to give his condolences,
he was here to gloat!

- Like the pig he is.
- Akiko, not now.

- And look at us!
What a bunch of wimps.

Why did we give up?

We were only a few points behind
and gaining before...

Before what? Ken got shot?

Before our candidate got killed?

I've got news for you:

You can't have a campaign
without a candidate.

- We do have a candidate.
You!

What are you talking about?

You know Ken's whole strategy.

You've been helping him get elected
his entire career.

I'm a total unknown.

It's less than six weeks
before the election,

and I'm not Ken.

I can't speak like him.

Yes, you can. I could help you.

There would be so much good will.

The people are crying out
for someone to pick up the baton.

It's waiting for you, uncle.

It's what Ken would have wanted.

Buddy, you up? Buddy?

Hey!

Oh, what a nightmare.
Apparently, I don't sleep.

You know. Like, at all.

Just thinking about shit, you know.
Waiting for you to get up.

By the way, I don't know
if you've been told this before,

but you talk in your sleep.

Uh, screech. It's loud as shit, too.

Scary. Hey, look, I don't mind being alone
with my thoughts, but only, like,

for that couple of minutes on a plane
where you have to put your phone away.

A whole night of that stuff. No, thanks.

Dude, where you going?

Back in my day,
a crime scene just meant a shooting.

Huh. Strange.

She chased whoever killed her
high up into that machine.

- Must've been an excellent climber.
And small.

Maybe a circus person?

Go and get the serial numbers
off those guns.

I bet you'll find they have something
to do with the Takahara assassination.

Man, I don't think I've been sober
this long for, like, 20 years.

This is a terrible idea, by the way.

Only a complete idiot goes back
to the scene of the...

Oh, my God, who is this?

Why is a General stopping by
to check out... Holy shit! 128th!

Those are the dickheads
that met me at the airport.

This must be the asshole
who ordered them to kill me.

Right. Right-right-right. Sorry.

And your whole monkey tribe. Or village.

Or pod. Or whatever, you know...

Woo! Yes, sir!
Brycie's still got it, baby!

See, this is why you always return
to the scene of a crime.

Come on, come on, come on,
let's go, you're losing him!

Hey, pal,

I'm working just as hard
as you are, okay.

Woo!

Off, monkey!

- Oh. Wait, hold up.
Uh-uh. Time out.

No, no, no, no, no.

No way. Nope. I've never been
to the funeral of someone I've killed,

and I'm not about to start now.

It's like getting brunch
with a one-night stand.

Your time together is over. I don't need
to eat French Toast with you.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Wait a minute! Stop! Halt!

Jesus, if you're so hell-bent on going in,

at least use the back door
like a professional.

I gotta say, being dead sucks.

But some shit?
Lot easier than when I was alive.

Like this stuff.

Whoa-ho-ho! You look like
you're rocking a butt-hawk, dude.

Not a good look.
We gotta get you a disguise.

I can literally see your sphincter
clenching with effort right now.

Okay, buddy, eyes on the prize.

This here is a real hornet's nest,

so the quicker we can get in
and get out, the better.

What... Oh! Or that...

- Pay up, bitches!
- Dammit!

Because a coward took
my husband from us.

A coward with a gun.

Small minded and weak.

Who felt that the only way
he could matter in this world

was to take someone
who did matter from all of us.

Yeesh, that's a little harsh.

The world won't remember
this small inconsequential man,

but they will remember my husband.

Monkey!

Monkey, you're my friend!

No, you're mine!

I was promised money.

I was promised I'd be a hero!

But now I lost two squads of men.

I've got no money.
And people are dying everywhere!

Please. I know
this is highly inappropriate

for me to be speaking with you.

I understand none of us are supposed
to know who was involved.

But I'm facing real pressure to explain

what happened up there.

It's a very fluid situation.

But it's being contained.

The hell does that mean?

Just tell me, am I next?

Are you cleaning house?

Am I getting thrown
under the goddamn bus?

I'm sorry. You must have me
confused with someone else.

- Wait a minute, why am I hiding?
I'm invisible.

What? What the hell?
What? No.

No, no, no. No! No!

Shit!

Argh! Dammit!

Hey!

No, monkey. No!

There you are. Where... Holy shit.

Wow, I never thought a six-inch inseam
would turn me on.

Seriously, you look like a badass.

I mean, you could use
a good tailor though.

And you're missing the tie.

Dude, you have to wear the tie.

The suit's too formal.
It just looks sloppy without it.

Oh, oh, oh, I get it.

You don't know how to tie a tie, do you?

Don't worry, I'll teach you.

Cool!

Ken would have hated this.

Because for Ken,
it wasn't about him.

It was about the cause.

It was about the fight for justice

and equality.

About rooting out the corruption

that is a cancer of our country.

This was the great unfinished business
of his life.

And it's up to us to finish it.

- Come on, we have to move together.
Follow the weird Bonsai shoes.

No, dumb-ass, if I could see his face,
I wouldn't need you.

...you and I.

Let us pick up the baton

that lies in the mud,

bloodied and forgotten.

Let us carry it on.

To finish the race he started,

and to win.

Bravo.

That wasn't a eulogy,

that was a goddamn campaign speech.

Out of my way!

Someone tore the faces
off the Yakuza men!

Everybody out!

What part of sneaking in undetected
do you not understand?

- You little punks.
Always stirring shit!

- This is war!
- Pff. Shut up and die.

See? See? This is what happens

when you don't stick to the plan!

You gotta listen more, man!

Now where you going? Dude!

We can't stay here.

Goddammit!

Oh, shit.

Wait.

What the hell?

Hey, bud. Sorry to barge in
on your little moment here,

but, uh, the General!

Monkey?

No! Monkey, no!

No! No! Oh, you are the worst, bud!
You know that?

You are literally killing everyone
we're supposed to get info from!

Well, just grab his wallet then.

Grab the wallet please, for the love...
Thank you.

Now how the hell are we supposed
to get out of this shit show?

You know there's going to be
a lot more violence.

Are you ready for it?

- Does that mean you're running?
- No...

we're running.

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah!

Aw, dude, look at you!
"Cape Fear" ing it.

That's so awesome!

Downside is, you're gonna have to pull
a lot of gravel outta your butt-crack.

Guard this house 24 hours a day!

- You understand?
- Yes, sir!

Oh!

Wow, who is this?

It's funny,

I had a crush on my second grade teacher
Mrs. Schwartz.

Then one day I realized
I was in the second grade,

and I literally didn't have
a chance in hell.

Hey, a little sign-language there.

Looks like we're starting
to make progress, huh?

Hmm. Huh.

Hmm.

- Ito-san.
- Hmm.

I don't mean to be disrespectful,

but when I came to the city,
I vowed not to change who I am.

I cannot stand by and watch
my partner steal drugs or money or...

Sit.