Hill Street Blues (1981–1987): Season 3, Episode 9 - A Hair of the Dog - full transcript

Item 12...

As regards the
sweet bird of youth...

Which graces our communion
this a.m. in the persons...

of six of the Metropolitan Police
Academy's finest Fall graduates.

Whoopee. If memory
serves, Pete Dorsey.

Pete, will you
wave or something?

- Hey, Pete can wave.
- Hey, hey.

Robin Tataglia.

Martin Froman.

John Cooper.

Tom Hernandez. Tom's fine.



Uh, Nathaniel Crawford.
"Nate"? "Nat"? What?

- Nate, I guess.
- You got it.

People, let's have a
warm round of greetings...

for these cherubic new
denizens of our swamp.

All rookies will temporarily be
assigned Dekker foot patrol...

until Division figures out how to
integrate this year's bumper crop...

- into regular R.M.P. units.
- I'm already integrated.

That's right. I'm your daddy.

There'll be telephonic
check-in each 45 minutes,

but I trust that more
experienced street personnel...

will be liberally forthcoming...

with aid and succor.

Item 13...

Governor and Mrs.
Lucas Sandler...



will be dedicating the new Von
Steuben unemployment office...

at 10:00 a.m. this morning.

Prior to said christening,
the governor's party plans...

a whistle-stop at
this precinct house.

I urge you all to refrain...

from the sort of
unfortunate behavior...

which marred His Honor's
on his last visit here in '73,

when one veteran
officer felt impelled...

By reasons unknown...
To present the governor...

with the miracle of
the moon at midday.

I might append a
similar cautionary note...

vis-à-vis the going-away
party this evening...

of Patrolman Anthony Tisa.

Captain Furillo and I
are urgently concerned...

that behavior remain
decorous as this coed affair.

Moreover, word from the
Club Como management...

is that panty hose in
the plumbing system...

will no longer be tolerated.

Who are you
lookin' at? Item last...

Two more sightings
yesterday of the Phantom...

Snatching a half
dozen cantaloupes...

from a Korean green
grocer on Hudson,

harassing a meter maid working
the projects north of 133rd.

For our newcomers,
the Phantom of the Hill...

appears to be a guy living in
the sewer system, 6'5 " or 6",

heavily bearded and scarred,
perhaps drastically deformed,

dressed in rags or worse,

incapable of speech in the
Mother Tongue or otherwise...

He bears a manifest...

and virulent hatred for police.

And the standing
reward for his collar...

is three months
without weekends.

All right, that's it. Let's roll, and
let's be very careful out there.

Oh, no.

Hey, Renko. Renko. What?

You ever actually
seen this guy? Who?

You know, this weirdo down in the
sewer system. You mean the Phantom.

I can't exactly say, Dorsey,

although we did spot
this huge, slimy dude...

rummaging in Dumpsters
over near Elmwood last...

Yeah, he ducked into a manhole before
we could see him. That could be him.

Belker. "Mean Sheets."

Is that the one with all
the hairbrush spanking?

Move. Move!

Bobby. I don't know
what to wear tonight.

Miniskirt. Miniskirt's
compulsory. Uh...

Name. Curtis.

Curtis what?

Curtis Interuptus.

Dispatch. We have a 9-11.

Armed robbery in progress.

See surplus store, corner
People's Drive, 124th Street.

Do you believe it? Guy eats
a bran muffins for breakfast.

I'm coming out of the john.

He's ordering six bran muffins
and a double stewed prunes.

Hey, even arm busters
got occasional problems...

with regularity, my
man, you know?

Excuse me, Detective.
Could I ask... Get out of here.

Just keep walkin' and
get out of here. Right.

Believe it? First
hour on the beat,

kid's doing his best to
blow a murder one collar.

Mmm. Hey... Here comes Edwards.

Bubba, your behind is mine.

Freeze! You're under arrest.

Hit the wall, chump!

Read him his rights, baby.

You have the right
to remain silent.

Come on, man. You have
the right to an attorney.

And I'll tell you what, Jack...

We'll read you the rest in the
car. Hey, nice work, you guys.

Thanks a lot.
Welcome to the Hill.

Come on, let's
move it out of here.

Hey, are you okay?
You cut your lip.

How'd you like to
suck the toxins out?

What are you doing with
my car? Get out of here.

What'd you call me, man?
I'll call you anything I want.

- Come on, you guys, break it up.
- Break it up!

Hey, you got a problem, lady?

You got a big mouth, Jack.

You feel that?
Yeah, yeah, I feel it.

Gimme the keys right
now. License, registration.

- Get out the car.
- Gimme a license.

Assume the position.
Quiet down. Quiet down.

Hey, you too, lady.
Just quiet down.

Hey, pal, you wanna go in?

Just knock it off. All
right, that's pretty good.

Now, first thing... When you get
kids like this you gotta look for a piece.

Second of all, when you separate
'em, you gotta really mean it.

Third of all, don't be
afraid to call for backups...

Even if it's just a
fender bender, like this.

Okay, I'm gonna talk to
these kids now. You watch me.

Uh, I think you got your
carbon reversed there, buddy.

Governor, our captain...

of the most crime-ridden
precinct in the state, Frank Furillo.

Frank, the governor. Frank.

How do you do. Mrs. Sandler.

My pleasure. And... Lamont.

Your fight is my fight, Captain.

We stand shoulder-to-shoulder
on the battleground of urban blight.

And a battleground
it is, Governor.

Lieutenant Hunter, EAT.

Why, just last week
my men and I...

traded cartridges with a
cadre of Hispanic 2-11 artists...

in a two-hour
project standoff...

that was right out of Teddy's
little number on San Juan Hill.

We... We're three
minutes behind, sir.

Well, excuse me, Captain.
Appreciate the input, Officer.

- Lieutenant.
- This way, Governor.

Mrs. Sandler.

Don't you just love pinstripes?

You have bad
manners, man! Behave!

John, John, John...
Not now, not now.

The governor of the state, John.

Oh, sorry, Sarge. I'll go
pull the paperwork, babe.

Yeah.

In there. In there.

Portland.

I did write it down, Ma.

On a piece of paper.

I remember where it is, Ma.
I was just there yesterday.

I'll be there as soon
as I can after work.

As soon as I can.
As soon as I can!

Good-bye.

What are you doin' here?

How's your dad? He's lousy.

He's in a home.

Oh. What's up?
How's the new job?

Michael, I have never seen
such a cesspool of criminal activity.

I warned you. Didn't I warn you?

You stay out of
trouble up there.

Well, that's what I
wanted to discuss with you.

What?

I overhear things, and I could
certainly use the extra money.

What are you talkin' about?

Mick, I wanna be your snitch.

Come on, get out of
here. I got paperwork to do.

I'm serious. I want
us to work together.

And I find law enforcement
terribly exciting.

"Terribly exciting," huh?

You see that gorilla in there?

He just got arrested...

for breaking both a guy's legs
and then garroting him to death.

My.

He does have a certain...
ruthless quality. Mm-hmm.

The guy he did all
that to was a snitch.

That exciting enough for you?

I'm not afraid, Mick.

And I know about a holdup.

I heard a guy talking about
it from the bar this morning.

Where? When?
Sometime this afternoon.

A pawn shop on
Jefferson at 143rd.

Just the one guy? I think so.

I'm not gonna pay you
for this. You understand?

If it pans out, later
maybe we can talk.

Oh, Mick!

Oh, my, Michael.
"Gentlemen Prefer Leather"?

That's evidence, hair ball.

Excuse me, Captain.

We picked up a suspect in the Casteneda
homicide. Good. Good work, Neal.

Everything in order on
the bust? It seems so.

Autopsy report's
not in the file,

but we'll run by the coroner's
office and pick up a copy.

Do yourself a favor...
See Nydorf personally.

Upper duodendum
contains whitish fluid,

greenish-yellow bile flows
freely from orifice of common bile.

Pancreas pale.

Liver normal...
with a certain...

gray cirrhotic charm.

Found this joker
in a subway john...

with a quart of industrial-strength
drain cleaner down his pipes.

Hey, it's the holiday season.

Let the record indicate
that Detective LaRue...

is looking a little
green around the gills.

What can I do for you guys?

We never got an autopsy report on
that Casteneda homicide last month.

- What's a Casteneda?
- Ramon, T.

October 17. Strangulation.
D.O.A., Mercy.

Go pull it for 'em,
will you, Radley?

Just be a minute, guys.
Make yourself at home.

Stomach distended...

Contains about...

150 c.c.'s of a milky fluid...

somewhat of the consistency
of my wife's béarnaise sauce.

Yeah. Get me a pastrami on rye,

side of horse
radish, dill pickle,

apple pie, hold the
mold, and a root beer.

Two chili dogs, no onion, an
order of fries and an orangeade.

Hmm. Listen, Kosich, uh...

Forget that pastrami. Get me
three chili dogs, everything on 'em.

You guys want a
sandwich or something?

No thanks, Wally.

I had a big breakfast,
man. Thanks.

Oh, do you believe this?

This tape isn't
even rollin'. Gradsky!

I spent the better part of an hour
talkin' into a dead battery here.

I'm sure we got the
digestive tract, sir.

Kosich, will you get some
batteries for this damn thing?

I'll have to take it
out of petty cash.

Just buy the damn thing.

What do you mean,
you can't find 'em?

Check the pending
file. Check with Sylvia!

Uh...

It'll be all right,
guys. I'll...

I'll pull it for you myself.
Get it to you in a day or two.

Take notes, will you, Gradsky?

Uh, gall bladder...
Somewhat ropey fluid...

Hey, look, Wally.

We got a hot suspect we're pulling
into interrogation in less than two hours.

Not to mention having
to have an A.D.A. and

the guy's attorney. I
said I'd get it to you.

All right? We need it now.

You need...

You need.

Well, let me tell
you what I need.

Five extra
pathologists, for starters,

a half dozen scrubbers,

ten hours extra a
day in the work day...

and a budget that isn't some
kind of in-house municipal joke.

That's what I need.

I got corpses stacked
up here till next Easter.

I haven't had a lousy vacation
since Nixon was in office.

And the last thing I need is a couple
of damn pushy mid-level grunts...

comin' in here tellin'
me how to do my job.

Now, then.

Gall bladder...

is filled with a somewhat ropey,

but otherwise clear,
dark green fluid.

So, what makes you so sure
I'm gonna get hit today, huh?

I'm not sure.

You don't even know if this
snitch of yours is on the level.

No, I don't.

Hey, that lunch of yours is
gonna drive my business away.

Look, Murray.

Why don't I just take a hike,

and when this creep
shows up, you deal with him?

Hey, I ain't afraid
of no stickup.

Yeah. I been held up...

more than any guy
on this entire block.

Cheese it, Murray.

How ya doin'? What do you say?
What can we do for you today?

Hey, man, how about
this little thing right here?

Shoot him, Belker!
Blow him away!

Murray, come here.

All right. As soon
as the game's over?

Right. Bye.

What's up? Oh, nothing.

I just got a date for
Tisa's party tonight...

with a guy who plays basketball
against the Harlem Globetrotters.

He's a loser.

What do you mean? You
never even met the guy.

He's a loser. I hate
it when you do this.

You always do this. The guy
is only in town for three days.

Paula went to all the
trouble to get me a date,

and you gotta start in on him right
away. I'm just stating fact, Luce.

Anybody who plays
against the Trotters... losers.

Hi.

Where did you find it?
At the foot of the bed...

Under two sheets
and an electric blanket.

Funny how things disappear
when you're having a good time.

I see you pulled
the Edwards case.

It appears from this arrest report
I've got my work cut out for me.

We have everything we need.
We can go to trial next week.

There's nothing worse
than a gloating Italian.

1042 Elmwood Avenue.

Apartment 22.

Hmm.

Apartment number again?

Twenty-two.

Present occupation?

Starting quarterback
for the Atlanta Falcons.

Let's just skip the preliminaries
and get down to basics.

- What kind of deal
can you cut for me?
- Mr. Edwards...

Don't "Mr. Edwards" me, P.D.

Now, you can't cut me a deal,

I'll find me a real
lawyer who can.

There's no point in
discussing a deal at this time...

if we can even circumstantially
establish your innocence in the matter.

- Well, good luck, lady.
- Shall I interpret that
as an admission of guilt?

What difference does it make?

It makes a big difference in
how I approach your defense.

Of course, if you're not entirely
comfortable discussing it at this time...

I'm plenty comfortable.

Did you do it? No.

No, I didn't.

As a matter of fact, I was
in El Salvador that week...

doing some charity
work for the Red Cross.

Mr. Edwards, I'm not
in the mood today...

for sarcastic,
adolescent bullying...

from someone who ought to
be thankful I'm trying to help him.

I'll have you reassigned.

Hey, lady. Wait.

While you're at it, Ray,
get me A.D.A. Bernstein.

Got a real potential horror
story on our hands, Frank.

I told you, eight men for
crowd control is insufficient.

That's just as much your
responsibility, Anderson.

I never recommended a visit to
this precinct in the first place, sir.

Went down 20 minutes ago at the
governor's Dekker Avenue whistle-stop.

Took him right out of the
limousine. For God's sake, man.

Do you mind? Took who?

They took the governor? Not
the governor, Ray... Lamont.

- Lamont?
- Somebody took the governor's
wife's dog?

Read my lips, Frank. She became
absolutely hysterical when she found out.

Had to be sedated right in
front of the Channel 10 minicam.

We're gonna have to mobilize
on this one, and I mean fast.

I don't need to tell you the crisis
of confidence we'll be facing...

when it gets out that the largest
metro squad in the entire state...

can't even insure the basic human
rights of a nine-pound lhasa apso.

Anderson here from the governor's office
is gonna keep a lid on the media flow.

LaRue? Washington? Get
in here. You too, Goldstein.

Goldblume. First off,
we'll need a door-to-door...

in the vicinity of the snatch.

Howard. Phil.

And a couple of your desk
boys to handle the phone calls.

- What phone calls?
- The governor has approved
a $1,000 reward...

for Lamont's safe return.

- It's going out over the local
airwaves within the hour.
- Who's Lamont?

You're gonna use precinct
phones for some lost dog reward?

Give me a little credit, Frank.

We'll just run a couple of
extensions off of your private line.

Now. We'll need 12 uniforms
for a perimeter search, Phil.

Eight EATers,
Howard. Not a man less.

You just hold on a minute.

I have three homicide
investigations in the works, five rapes,

several dozen assaults, and
miscellaneous other felonies...

and a continuing incoming
tally of all of the above,

and you expect me...

to devote fully one-third
of my active day shift...

to some overbred lapdog?

We're not talking dog, Frank.

We're talking image, and
image-wise... like it or not...

This overbred lapdog's got a
higher gubernatorial profile...

than the state bird, whatever the
hell it is. Uh, swallow, I believe, Chief.

- Peregrine falcon.
- Falcon peregrine?

Hello? Just a minute, please.

Well, image-wise, how do you
suppose the electorate of this state...

is gonna take such
gross expenditure?

Got a handle on it, Frank.

- Frank, line six.
- Not now, Ray.

In addition, men,

I'm authorizing
overtime funds...

for all necessary personnel
for as long as this takes.

Up to 20 grand, let's say.

Frank, I think you might
want to take this call.

Furillo. And I swear, Anderson,

if these figures leak out
to those local media flacks,

it's gonna be your
butt on the waffle iron...

right alongside mine.
Yeah, Vince, what?

Sidebar stories only,
Chief. Human interest.

No stats on appropriations.
Right. I understand.

Yeah. Sure.

All right, men, let's get to it.

Judas Priest. The man can't
be serious. You heard him.

I'll be back in an hour, Phil.

Uh, Captain? About the
Casteneda homicide...

It seems they can't locate the
autopsy report down at the C.O.'s.

It's a regular three-ring
circus down there, Captain.

Nydorf practically blew a
gasket when we pressed him for it.

I'm on my way downtown anyway.

I'll pick it up on the way back.

Uh, Francis, aside from
the obvious canine situation,

is everything all right?
Yeah. Just great, Phil.

Fay got herself thrown
into jail down at traffic court.

Judge is holding
her in contempt. Oh.

Captain Furillo. Thank you.

Frank, before you say anything,

I have never been treated
so rudely in my whole life.

- The arrogance... The open hostility.
- What did you do?

Me? Nothing.

I just came down to court to plead
my innocence, like an American citizen.

And got yourself thrown into
jail on account of a traffic ticket?

You must have done
something out of the ordinary.

Said something? Sure... If you
count exercising your free speech...

in this supposedly free country
something out of the ordinary.

- What did you call him, Fay?
- Frank, he kept
interrupting me.

He wouldn't look at my pictures.

So you... Well, I
might have implied...

that he had an unnaturally
close relationship with his mother.

Well, can you blame
me? I was upset.

Court is gonna close
in a couple of hours.

If you don't apologize
right now, you're gonna

be stuck in there until
tomorrow morning.

- Well, bail me out.
- No.

Contempt of court
is not bailable.

You're in until you apologize.

Well, thank you
very much, mister.

Then I'm gonna stay right here.

I'm not without internal
resources, Frank.

I'll write an article...

About the abuses
of judicial power.

I-I'll go on a hunger strike.

I'm not gonna argue the possible
salutary effects of a hunger strike.

- Are you saying I'm overweight?
- I'm simply say...

Fay, I don't have time for this.

If you want to
play Joan of Arc...

on account of a traffic
ticket, be my guest,

but I'm gonna take
Frank Jr. Home with me,

and you can stay
in here until you rot.

How about I come
over to your cell...

and keep you company, sweet pea?

Frank!

Frank!

What do you think of
the captain? He's okay.

Seems like a real
straight arrow, though.

At least he knew our names.

That was really nice, Sergeant Esterhaus
asking us what we like to be called.

Esterhaus... He looks like he
must have been a real tough one.

Looks like he's still tough.

Do you really think we
should go to that party tonight?

Sure. I mean, do you think...

they were just
trying to be polite?

Aw, come on. We're gonna
be working with these guys.

They invited us. I
mean... Police! Hey, police!

Over here, quick! He's
beating up my brother, man.

Hey! He's beating up my brother.

Come back here.
My brother's bad.

♪♪

All right, break it
up! Police. Come on!

You wanna butt in?
You wanna take my...

Come on! Come on!

- Crawford, come on, man.
- Come on, move back.

Move back!

Come on, break it up!

Crawford! Come on,
man! Do something.

Come on, get off
him. Get off him.

Crawford!

The bartender.

You're a great guy, Officer...

The way you help your buddy out.

Mrs. Furillo?

Do you have something that
you wish to say to this court?

No.

Approach the
bench, Mrs. Furillo.

I've been a traffic court judge for
slightly more than seven months now,

and this is the first time
the need has arisen...

to incarcerate a citizen.

Well, maybe it's
the first time...

that a citizen has
ever stood up to you.

Mrs. Furillo, if you continue
to behave before this court...

You know, I'll bet you're
like this at home, aren't you?

You wanna know
what's wrong with you?

You don't know how to back
down or admit you're wrong.

It's a way to lose
a marriage, mister.

Mrs. Furillo, aside
from the fact...

that you have mistaken
my present marital condition,

may I remind you that you have
already spent some time in the clink,

and I'd be more than... See?

Well, let me tell you
something, mister.

I have a case here.

I have facts, I have pictures
and I know what I know.

Now, if I have to go to jail,

I'll go to jail, but I am not
gonna grovel around here...

just because you're some...

What's so funny?

You are. You're
a real pistol, lady.

I'm sorry.

Mrs. Furillo...

We're both very tired,

and it's late and, uh...

Well, anybody that's willing
to spend a week in jail...

A week? must either be
a glutton for punishment...

or very sure of the
rightness of her position, so...

What have you got?

Well...

I was on my way home
from the supermarket,

completely minding
my own business,

when some jack-booted highway
patrol jerk on his fascist motorcycle...

hauled me over for allegedly...

not making a left-hand turn in
a mandatory left-hand turn lane.

This is Officer Bruzinsky,
the arresting officer.

Well, wait a minute. I got a
better one than that. Here.

What's the name on that
certificate again, Frank?

Casteneda. Ramon Casteneda.

Casteneda. Casteneda.

Casteneda.

Casteneda.

We never sent you an
autopsy report. Sylvia!

Sylvia.

Can you believe this
place, Frank? Sylvia!

Woman's been here almost as
long as I have. She's worthless.

You know, in 1972, we had an
operating budget of 1.2 million.

Ten years later
we're operating on 1.3.

Can't get decent people anymore.

We're dying down here.

Oh, I don't know.
Sylvia's all right.

She...

Here.

What's that? What
do you think it is?

It's Noogie Fisher's
ear. Remember?

We sent Teddy Jakes
away for 50 years.

All we had was Noogie's
ear in the glove compartment.

You were the homicide
detective. Remember that?

Here. You wanna
keep it, go ahead.

Walt. Sylvia!

Wally, look. This
is my situation.

We're due in court day after
tomorrow for the preliminary,

and the D.A.'s office is really
pressing me for this autopsy.

Uh...

Well, Frank, it's gotta be
around here somewhere.

I'll, uh... I'll dig it out.

And I'll have it on your
desk at 5:00 today, okay?

And, uh,

Frank...

I really feel terrible
about this morning.

I mean, I jumped
all over your guys...

for just trying to do their job.

You tell 'em for me,
would you? Yeah, I will.

5:00, right, Wally? On your
desk. Promise. Okay, kid?

I'll appreciate it. Okay.

- Ray. Ray.
- Yes, Frank?

Seems the reward offer has
sparked community interest.

They emptied out the kennels.

Hey, so... So what
do you think, huh?

Could this be that "A" dog
you've been looking for?

You have glued hair to his skin.

Oh, yeah, yeah. You think
it's too much, huh? Yes.

No, it's, uh... The dog's got
a skin condition, you know?

The doctor told me what
to get, but I can't afford it.

Ray, clear them all out of
here, would you? Yo, come on.

She could really learn to
love it. Come on, get out.

It's a dog-eat-dog
world, pizza man.

Yeah. How much?

Where?

You have the dog with you?

Okay, listen. Who
am I talking to here?

No, the governor is
not available right now.

Well, can you prove
you have the dog?

Can you make him bark for me?

I think they may have
him, Frank. In my office.

They say they want
$10,000 in old bills...

left in a phone booth at 114th
and Shattuck in one hour,

or they shoot the dog.

No cops. Let's pay it.

You've gotta be kidding. The
hell I am. Just keep the press away.

You're crazy if you think
this story won't leak out...

In addition to which,
I'll scrub your feet...

in the window of Kirby's
Department Store...

if any part of that cockamamie
phone call pans out.

Henry, I want the gangs in
here by 4:00 for a meeting.

Thank you for
your input, Captain.

I can't afford to have
Lamont getting shot.

Hi. Can I have area
code 311-555-9600.

What's this? What's this?

What are you doing to me?

I leave the shop
for two minutes,

and I come back and I find you're
dealing me out of house and home.

Look at this.

Cameras. Radios. Mixers.

Somebody don't hold me up soon,
I'm gonna have to file for bankruptcy.

Murray, I got the whole
schmear for 186 bucks...

from a Cuban bookie headed
upstate on a two-to-four.

186 bucks?

That's right.

All of this? 186 bucks?

You know, son,

if you ever decide to give
up this detective business,

the pawn industry
can offer you...

a very rewarding future. I'm
gonna keep that in mind, Murray.

Oh, how you doing?
What can we do for you?

Thinking about pawning my
electric guitar... if the price is right.

Well, that depends.

I mean, what are we
talking? A Fender? A Gretsch?

Stratocaster?
Six-string, 12-string...

Twelve-gauge, Smith &
Wesson, two barrels, one trigger.

And believe me, it's in tune.
Hands on the counter, shortstop.

All the money, now.

Now, or I'll take your
face off with this thing.

You want cream with
your coffee, dog breath?

- What was that again?
- "Lasso apso"?

Or was it "Lassie Apsy"?

Say that for me
four times, Furillo.

- "Lamu aspo."
- No, man. It's "lapu zapu."

Lhasa apso is the breed.

All we want is your cooperation.

Uh, what is the
dog's name? Jerry?

Sid? Dog's name is Lamont.

- Say what?
- Hey, Furillo.

How am I gonna tell
my people "Lamont"?

Does the mutt have a nickname?

I got a brother
named Lamont. Yeah!

Yeah. Yeah, I know
about your brother.

Yeah. We all know about Lamont.

What? Hey. Hey. Oh, what. What.

Guys, this is a very important
animal we're talking about.

This animal is a token of
friendship from the people of Tibet.

I put to you two
scenarios, gentlemen.

In the first, a civic-minded
citizen... or citizens...

Step forward, no questions
asked, and receive $1,000 reward.

In the second, a $10,000 ransom
is presented to that same citizen,

who then gets three
years upstate as a bonus.

I get the impression you're
implying gang involvement...

in this canine affair.

I'm simply implying, Jesus,
that whoever stole that animal...

will be inordinately punished,

considering the vast resources
we've devoted to this problem.

I do grudgingly
admire your initiative,

not to mention your
sense of humor.

That abortive little
phone booth caper, okay,

but I think it's time to
talk turkey, don't you?

Or, as the case
seems to be, canine.

If anybody knows anything,
I want to hear about it...

- by 9:00 tomorrow.
- Please, guys, try to keep perspective.

In one sense, Lamont
is Mrs. Sandler's,

but in a larger sense,

he belongs to all of us. Yeah?

What part of this dog
belongs to Mr. Martinez?

I'll see you outside.

Outside. Outside.

Anything you want.

Captain?

I wanna give Eddie
Gregg 50 bucks.

I think it's cheap
dollars, Captain.

He's the one that gave me the
pawnshop bust this afternoon.

Hold on just a second.

Thank you, Captain.

Frank, the D.A.'s
office on line four.

Did we get the autopsy
report from Nydorf?

Yes. It just came in.
Oh. Great. Thank you.

Yeah, Irwin.
Uh-huh. I just got it.

I'm just looking at it, Irwin.

Well, I can have somebody
bring it down to you. Yeah. Sure.

No. Yeah... Irwin, listen. I've
got a crisis on my hands here.

I'll... I'll call you
back, all right?

I'll call you back, Irwin.

Yeah.

Here's your 50
bucks. Now get lost.

When will I see you
again? How should I know?

Mick, I've got something
really big for you.

We could have a late supper
after I get off work and talk about it.

Look, hair bag, you're
gonna be a snitch,

you never want to be
seen in public with me...

And you especially never
want to be seen up here.

Then how do I get
in touch with you?

Call me at this number.

Wait a minute.

You could call me at
my home phone too.

I'll keep this in strictest
confidence, Mick.

When can we meet?

I don't know. Maybe tomorrow.

Tell me where. I don't know.
Someplace. I don't know right now.

It's gotta be someplace,
uh, dark, out of the way...

Oh! Like a parking
garage, you dirt ball.

Sounds good to me, Mick. I'll
call you first thing in the a.m.

You won't regret it.

Frank, Nydorf left for the day.

You want me to try his house?

No, I think I know
where I can find him.

And the mortuary guy says,
"Let me check my inventory.

I may need some
mortuary blankets."

Hey, Frank. Wally.

Be with you in a minute, kid.

So he leaves... Goes upstairs. He
leaves the poor slob alone with the stiff.

He's trying not to look, but
he's scared out of his tree.

And all of a sudden
the stiff goes...

And sits bolt upright.

The kid...

The kid drops his
briefcase... His sample case.

He runs out of there, gets
in his car, drives away...

and he's never been seen since.

It's a true story. Swear to God.

Wally, could I talk
to you for a minute?

Oh, sure, Frank.

Come on. Let's get a table.

Excuse me.

Hey, you want a
beer? Oh, no, thanks.

Oh, that's right. Hey, Ace.

Yeah, you want another
one? Uh, and a soda.

Yeah, I'll send it over.
I don't know, Frank.

I've been cuttin' up
stiffs for 35 years.

I come to bars and tell
stories about dead bodies.

You think that indicates a
certain narrowness of interest?

We have a problem, Wally.

Uh-huh. What about? The autopsy.

Uh-huh. So talk
to me. Talk to me.

This is a mess.

If I tried to sell this at
Edwards' preliminary,

they're gonna laugh
me right out of court.

Who the hell are you
to question my work?

Don't try to pull the
same crap with me...

as you tried to pull with
my detectives this morning.

This report is indefensible,
and you know it.

The physical
description is sketchy,

there's no blood
workup at all...

and the diagrams
are totally inadequate.

How did you do
this? From memory?

You lost the originals, and
then you lost the copies,

and so you figured, "What
the hell. I'll wing it." Right?

Tell me I'm wrong.

All right, Frank.

Okay.

But you saw what
a zoo that place is.

Look, you just send
me your police report.

Give me 24 hours and
I'll give you an autopsy.

Swear to God, you'll be able
to convict your mother on it.

That's not good
enough. Well, what then?

I want you to pull
him up. Oh, Frank.

Pull him up and
do it again. Frank...

Did you ever do an autopsy
on a three-week-old stiff?

Wally.

Wally, you used to like your
work, and you were the best.

What happened? Now,
don't you start with me, Frank.

I knew you when you were
a 24-year-old snot-nose...

whose main area of expertise
was the inside of a shot glass,

so don't go getting your
glands in an uproar with me, kid.

Just do your job, Wally.

I'd like to propose
another toast...

to the short,
black-haired, brown-eyed,

graduating class from
the police academy...

to Sergeant Esterhaus's finest.

- ISalud!
- Cheers.

And I'd like to propose another
toast... Hey, just rest the toast.

You rest. To the
prettiest lady...

that ever graced this
sorry side of the tracks...

Here's to slumming
with the city's finest.

Drink up.

Come on, Teresa. Don't be a
wet, old rag. I've had enough, Andy.

What? I have had enough.

Well, excuse me,
lady. "I've had enough."

I would have had the
Dom Perignon out here,

but my credit line's a
little short right now.

Come on, Rapunzel.
Let down your blonde hair.

Let down your blonde hair.

I got less hair to let down.

"I got less hair to let down."

I love you, Joe. I love you.

Coffey says this guy used to
work for the sewer department.

He knows all 80 miles of the
system like the back of his hand.

Claims he goes after
anything with a badge too.

Well, makes sense, if
you heard the dude's story.

What story is that?
Well, back in 1978,

this married lady and
midtown sergeant...

were found hacked to
death in a flophouse...

over in East Utica.
Buck whole naked.

Warrants went
out for the husband.

Oh, you mean that
guy Travis Pogrow.

Yeah. We heard about him over
in midtown. 6'5", 285 pounds...

Disappeared without
a trace. Sewer worker.

Wait, wait. And they think this
Travis Pogrow is the Phantom?

What do you think?

Give me a break. There's
no Phantom down there.

Oh, of course there
ain't, Hernandez.

I got this right here fallin'
off of my skateboard.

- You mean the Phantom did that?
- This? No, no, no.

This was Marie Osmond.

This freak pulls my leg...

halfway down a storm
drain on Richmond last year.

If he'd have chopped the
rest of it off at the knee...

What was that for?

Thank you. That was very
sweet of you back there.

I got lipstick all over.

Hey. Cut it out. What
the hell is goin' on here?

Uh, this is a slightly
drunken come-on, I guess.

Hmm? Oh...

Look, Teresa,

you're a very lovely lady,

and I like you a lot,

but, you know,
Renko's my friend.

I like you a lot too.

Wait, wait. Now just cut it out.

Look, you're his girl.

Well, what if I wasn't? Hmm?

I just want to thank you
for covering for me, okay?

I didn't cover for you.

Look. Tomorrow's gonna
be different. I know it.

I'm sorry.

I asked Esterhaus
for a new partner.

That's it. I've had it. What?

Don't you think I've waited
long enough for the creep?

Oh, your basketball
player hasn't shown up yet?

That is the last time
I ever call a jock.

Hey, come on. Let's have
a drink. I don't want a drink.

Excuse me. Are you Lucy?

Mm-hmm. I'm Doug. Doug Munson.

Oh. I'm sorry I'm late. The
game went double overtime.

Oh! How'd you do?

We lost. Oh.

Uh, this is my friend Joe
Coffey. Doug Munson.

He says that you've had
quite a long losing streak.

1912 games.

I've got a table over here.

Everybody's looking.

Who's looking?

Hmm? Oh, I don't know.

You know.

Then why don't we
go someplace where...

nobody can look?

Okay.

And finally tonight,
Ray, on the local front,

the latest poop on the case
of the missing lhasa apso.

As of this hour, no suspects
have yet been collared...

in the dognapping of Lamont,

the governor's wife's
prize lhasa apso.

However, authorities
are working rabidly...

to get a leg up
on the situation.

Although there's been
an unusually tight leash...

on information coming
out of Hill Street,

it has been rumored
that the search...

for the 9 1/2 pound
Tibetan lapdog...

is expected to take a
bite out of the city budget...

to the tune of $30,000
in overtime pay...

An expenditure that,
come December,

might very well put City
Hall... in the doghouse.

Anyone with information... What
ever happened to serious journalism?

Died years ago, Furillo, at
the hands of a blow dryer.

Is encouraged to call... Please.
I've been punished enough.

That's 555-5300.

Though authorities concede...

they very well may be
barking up the wrong tree.

Classic case of the
tail wagging the dog.

The search for Lamont is
expected to take a chop...

out of the municipal fiscal
bone in excess of $30,000.

There's no escaping it.

$30,000 for a lapdog?

Please... Mmm.

Don't hound me, counselor.

Mmm. You telling me to
put a muzzle on it, Captain?

Why don't we just...

Just let...

Sleeping dogs lie.

Oh, no.